Tolls to Pay: Fight of the Finance Guards

A/N: Hello, anime Borat here. Here's a low budget, low effort cheap comedy about Gate. Basically my first in this archive. it's merely a crap post. Spot the Hetalia reference. I was inspired by Italy's Guardia di Finanza, who are a law enforcement agency responsible for enforcing Italian finance, trade, and economic laws. Think IRS with SWAT and Coast Guard capabilities.


It was a fine day in Italy. Italians going on their daily business, whether it's pressing grapes for wine, making their trademark automobiles, mafia things, protesting about immigrants, EU, and Germany.

Italy, like any country, needs law and order and some countries have more law enforcement agencies than others, do the notorious Italian tendency for being violent and not wanting to contribute to their own society, kinda like the French, only they're more into absenteeism rather than violent strikes. But there is one Italian agency that takes shit seriously: The Guardia di Finanza, or Finance Guards to you stuck-up Englishmen.

The Finance Guards are an ancient 19th century organization formed to protect the Italian economy from cheap foreign goods imported in and enforce the tax laws because most Italians, especially the mega-rich ones, only bothered to remember to pay taxes, thinking it's only the poor. Well, not so for the mega-hardcore tax collectors/custom agents of the Guardia.

"Oh yes," said a rich man as he has a bottom boy lick his feet with peanut butter and jelly. "Lick my feet."

"As you command, my master~," said the gigolo, who looked like Italy from Hetalia, who enjoys being a bottom boy.

KABOOM!

The doors and windows exploded and in went some heavily-armed ninjas of the Guardia!

"FINANCE GUARDS!" shrieked an officer. "GET ON THE FLOOR!"

The rich guy almost panicked and tried to escape, leaving his wailing bottom boy to the Guardia.

But the Guardia won't have that so one officer football kicked his expensive stool, made from hardwood from an endangered African tree species and walrus ivory, varnished in Dom Perignon and Bangladeshi child labourer tears.

BRACK! Into the small of his back!

"Score!" declared a sports commentator. The Guardia came over to the guy and cuffed him.

"Do you know who I am!?" cried the outraged moolah guy, dressed only in Gucci briefs that were too small for his size. "I am Silvio Berlusconi's classmate from college!"

"You have a backlog of 700 million Euros in taxes," the officer declared in his no-bullshit tone. "You are charge with tax evasion, real-estate fraud, bribery and corruption, insider trading, and payment fraud."

"Hah! You cannot prove that! I have friends in the ruling coalition!" he replied haughtily.

"GOOD! You can rat more tax evaders!" The officer ordered, "Take him away, boys, and seize all assets!"

"NO!" he screamed in horror. "You cannot do this to me! I'll have you fired!"

"And however fires me will have their balls physically audited." The rich man screamed his vengeance as he was taken away and shoved into the police van, where they will take him to a holding cell as he awaited trial, which he will share to a large, bulked-up inmate named Bubbato, Bubba's Italian cousin, who engages in their usual pastime of being overtly friendly and tender to cellmates.

Then came Feliciano, the fairy who licked the rich dude's peanut butter and jelly feet.

"Why must you be so cruel~?" cried Feliciano in his usual batty boy femininity. "He only wants love, like how much love I give to Doitsu-kun."

The commanding officer glared at him. "Aren't you that Japanese animation abomination who was passed as one of us, an Italian?"

"No," he said sassily, "I'm Italian through and through. I spread love and love life, like pasta and kitties." He did a sassy pose, complete with that fruity, annoying and stereotypical V for Victory sign now used by Japanophiles when back in WW2, had a more honorable connotation of its use by the British and Commonwealth.

The commander's eyes bulged as he glared. "NO! YOU ARE INSULT TO ITALY, YOU FAG! WE DON'T HAVE A MICROPENIS LIKE YOU ACTING AS A THIRD NIPPLE! IF ANY OF US ARE GAY, AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE SOME MANLINESS LEFT! NOT LIKE YOU, WHO PLEASURES GERMANS! I CAN SMELL THE RAW BRATWURST IN YOUR BREATH!"

Then tears started to river from Feliciano's eyes. "Why are you so mean!" Then danced daintily as he started his mating call. "Doitsu! Doitsu-kun. Please help me-" Then he got strangled by a stretched-out pizza dough wrapped tightly around his spry little neck. His body was later found in the Pontine Marshes, faced down in the mud with a Baguette shoved up his special sunless happy place, which last month, was the favorite destination of Emirati billionaires.

Life continued on in sunny Italy, with the Financa Guards having a full-time job protecting Italy's borders and economy. Once, the mafia tried to intimidate them when they're investigating into their illegal activities with their usual blackjacks and murder. The Guards hit back, by attacking mafia assets, arresting mafia members, and feeding them to Bubbato, now promoted to jailer.

It was during that time a strange portal appeared in the Mediterranean like a sci-fi flick and out came hundreds of triremes being lead by a banner of purple with a gold dragon. And dragons flying overhead.

No, it's not House Targaryen in alternate history of A Song of Ice and Fire, it was the empire of Sadera, taking to new conquests.

And now they come to Italy.

The Saderans made first contact with the Italian Air Force and Navy. and contrary to internet culture, actually fought back and no, their ships were not floating, detachable pizzas or Italian beef steak sandwiches but honest-to-goodness modern warships run by competent crews who braved arrows, pitch, and dragon fire to man their battle stations. However, for every Saderan boat blasted to driftwood and its cargo being fed to the fishes, a hundred more took their place, and magic too. Fortunately, they have the support of their neighbors but numbers and magic still got them through.

The Saderans made landfall on the coast and Captain Schettino, the former captain of the wrecked Costa Concordia, first sighted them as they drew near Bari.

"Mama mia!" he screamed and immediately abandoned ship, just like at the Concordia, leaving his cuttlefish boat crew to fend for themselves, which was basically ramming a trireme, the shock knocking the cigarette of one of the crew out of his mouth and into the open diesel tank.

KABOOM!

Yay! A trireme got toast and the occupants thrown overboard helped themselves to a hot oil bath/treatment! Oh wait, it was only an accident. The rest of the fleet landed their troops and the mayhem begins as the Saderans pillaged the coastal regions and Italian army and police tried to contain them with heavy casualties.

And they engaged in property destruction, they wrecked the toll booth of a port and burned down the local tax office. In the former...

"What is the purpose of your business here?" asked the customs inspector.

"Ah, conquest," said the centurion as they landed on the pier. "We'll be taking your lands in name of our sovereign Emperor Molt and Glorious Sadera."

"Do you have anything to declare?" went on the inspector.

"No, just my men, my sword and my armor. And perhaps a hundred tons of beans, bacon and chickpeas that needed offloading."

"Oh no, I cannot let you in with foreign merchandise unless you submit to inspection and pay for import duties." He picked up some forms. "Sign here, please."

The centurion happily took the forms - until he realized the Webster dictionary-thick questionnaire which would take a week to fill in, a representation of Italy's labyrinthian legal system.

"You know, on second thought, I don't need no stinkin' forms!" Thus he lopped off the customs guy's head.

That was the final straw! No one gets away with not paying import duties and blowing up the tax office, not on their watch!

The Finance Guards, who were struggling to muster all day in the of loosing their ships to the initial incursion went ballistic!

"All must pay the toll..." declared the Guardia chief icily as his men armed themselves with their SPAS-12 shotguns, Finnish sniper rifles, Beretta pistols, submachine guns and assault rifles and all the confiscated arms and ammunition they got during the last few weeks' of busts. They loaded aboard their cars, vans, choppers and Piaggio transport planes and head into battle to punish the invaders for their lack of respect of financial controls.

Meanwhile, the Saderans were gaining the upper hand, the dragons were roasting the soon-to-be conquered people, their Testudo formations were holding up and the city was an oyster for the taking. All was well in spite of the heavy casualties. They secured a beachhead...

The sky exploded as an unusual bird, genus Piaggio, took their dragons in a chain reaction after it crashed into the first one, taking down the closely-packed formation in a trice, squashing any unfortunate, closely-packed formations below into pizza dough. More of these birds started coming out of the sky, crashing into Tetsudo formations and war machines. With some much shit out of the sky the Saderans panicked and would have broke rank if not for their officers but they got creamed by cars and vans into apartment buildings and storefronts. Floating down from the sky in parachutes and coming out of the horseless carriages were their foes...

The Finance Guard!

The Saderans got over their panicked and proceed to engage and the Finance Guards pulled no punches as they let loose a stream of FMJ and buckshot. One guard drew first blood by pumping lead into a stray Saderan with his Dual Berettas.

It was a fight of the ages as legionnaires engaged with armed revenue-collectors in the streets of some Italian coast city. It was M-Rated violence, M for Mature, M for Manly, and certainly not money which the legionnaires refused to pay custom duties, road and port facility tolls and baggage weight duties, and something EA Games wanted to get their hands on. The streets run red as both sides refused to yield, martial glory versus zeal for law and order.

Blades slashed, shields bounced off bullets, slugs hit flesh, such was the ferocity of battle. It was a freakin' free-for-all. No-holds barred as broken spear staffs, furniture, kitchen appliances, and hot boiling pasta water and tomato sauce were among the myriad items used improvised weaponry.

One Finance Guard lost his arm and screamed as he tried to recover his shotgun, then he got trampled by legionnaires distracted by plates of lasagna from the local eatery. A legionnaire had hot cheese sauce searing his face before being stabbed in the gut by a plastic dinner knife, how it did through the scale armor is one of the greatest mysteries of the universe. A guard and legionnaire went into an epic swordfight with baton and gladius respectively, rivalling many movie blade scenes. One Finance Guard made Molotov cocktails out of high-proof grappa and threw them into tight clumps of legionnaires, who screamed as the flames cooked them in their armor. A wizard zapped him with lightning, turning into a pile of ash.

Seeing the threat, the daring officer who lead the raid into that rich prick's place and confiscated his assets, not to mention killing off that insult of a fairy to Italy, grabbed his shotgun and screamed in a manly voice, "AVANTI! FINANZA!"

The battle cry filled the weary Finance Guards with courage, hope, and resolve to defeat the invaders and make them pay for treading upon Italy's sacred soil. They made a daring suicide charge at the wizard, forcing the legionnaires to regroup around the wizard to protect from the screaming horde of finance enforcers while the wizard charged up for his Kamehameha/Rasengan to obliterate once and for all. The Finance Guards refused to flinch, even when a few javelins took a few of their number in gruesome, painful ways, while squeezing off a few shots that found Sadera head, limb, trunk and torso, plus genitals.

The legionnaires were still consolidating to accommodate more men when the Finance Guards suddenly stopped. Then they fired all their guns at the legionnaires still trying to close rank and raise shields. They threw jerry cans of gasoline, cooking oil cans and flashbangs among their opponents.

"AAARRRGGH!" The Italians normally have no barbecue tradition but the legion barbecue was going swell. The front ranks collapse, spreading panic and flame into the rear ranks. While the legionnaires had their unintentional Burning Man competition, the wizard was about to complete his Ultra Mega Final Elimination Spell. Seeing they couldn't mob-rush the transvestite (he wears a dress but othere will dispute and call it a robe) magician in time, the commander kicked an espresso machine like a football striker. The wizard concentrated too much on his spell that he did not see the flying coffee machine until it hit his face and stuck in his mouth.

The blow caused him to lose control and fire his spell on the invasion force's command and control, effectively decapitating the Saderans. It raised the morale of Italian forces, who up until that point, were desperately holding the line. The Italian counteroffensive was devastating as the Italians drove the Saderans to the sea. The casualties were heavy but victory was sweet. 300,000 prisoners went into the bag.

Meanwhile at Ground Zero, the Finanza were doing their mop-up and round-up operations when army arrived to take over. As they took all the prisoners, mopped up the dead bodies, and whatever they do, the victorious Finance Guards took breaks with espresso and panforte before they go through the grim task of canvassing legionnaire armor and equipment to determine their value and thus set sales price at government auctions needed to fund the war. The officer stated stoically into the sunset as his 2IC came over to him.

"Hell of a day," he said, "who knew some generic knockoff of our Roman Empire would come to invade us?"

"This has just begun, my friend," replied the officer in a cool main character voice. "This is just the first step in a war of aggression."

"It will be a long one. I can't wait to burn down Sadera."

"Patience, my friend, patience. It will be a long hard one but when we arrive... we seize and appropriate. No one fucks with the Finance Guard."

Thus begun an epic, gritty journey of the Finance Guards as they lead the strike back into the gate. Don't fuck with Italy no more!

Also, Bubbato is now made head of POW facility administration. He now runs the camps with his usual "tenderness and compassion."


A commercial (something completely different)...

[A/N: I do not endorse violence against women nor trivialize the incident this skit references to. There is a thin line between comedy and travesty and in this day and age, that line is blurring greatly. Hope you read this without any major baggage attached as reading is supposed to relax people. Not everything has to be a meta-commentary, some of us just wants to see someone get a pie in the face.]

Hey there, you loveless lovebirds. Want something to make up for the fact you couldn't get a real girl? Play a dating sim or visual novel! Cute anime girls who will love you unconditionally provided you push the right buttons. Wait, the genre too stale? Well, the Republic of South Africa offers you a unique take on the genre, combining visual novel and rail shooters like Gun Gals.

South Africa developer Royal Shooty Entertainmeant introduces its first rail shooter inspired by Gun Gals and HunniPop, Hunt Down The Waifus!

Take control as Oscar Pistolius as you run and gun cute anime girls in an adrenaline-fueled heroic bloodshed epic. Progress through every game as this intense, fast-paced dating experience via marksmanship and pistol whip, earning points for creative shots and resulting kills, spend them to upgrade yourself between levels with points earned. Play through a nonlinear singleplayer campaign with a story-driven narrative, with branching storyline that influence the final ending. Watch out for the magical melee girls who can deflect bullets with their weapons and other animu effects that make guns crap in anime. Meet dozens of quirky lovely ladies as you shoot your way into their hearts. Play minigames like Russian Roulette, Firing Squad, Rubber Gas Necklace, where you light the match on some furry trap inside gasoline-filled tires. You actually die if played improperly and success on levels depends on lightning-fast reflexes, marksmanship, currency management, keen observation of context clues, and split-second decision-making. Dating games have never been so intense.

"You wanna play games? All right! I'll play your fucking games."

~ Robert De Niro on Hunt Down The Waifus!

"Now I can shoot my ex!"

~Guy dumped on Tinder

"In Soviet Russia school shoots you!"

~Russian Reversal on controversial school level in Hunt Down The Waifus!

"I've had with all these motherfucking waifus in my motherfucking internet!"

~Random black dude who is totally not Samuel L. Jackson on Hunt Down The Waifus!

"Hey, it's better than Tinder!"

~12-year old who decides to be different on Hunt Down The Waifus!

"Oh my, the main character has my first name. I'd rather shoot naked Spaniards with squirt guns of KY Jelly and whipped cream."

~Oscar Wilde on his first Let's Play.

"Fuck! This has my name on it!"

~Oscar Pistorius on being denied royalties.

"Hey, they didn't even let me copyright my name. That knockoff on Black Ops 2 did no justice to my face!"

~Manuel Noriega on their similar situation.

"What the fuck...!"

~Dan Salvato, creator of Doki Doki Literature Club, on trying the demo.

"This is the game we truly need in an era awashed in political correctness. This gets my ten out of ten."

~Keemstar reviewing Hunt Down The Waifus!

"Let's make $60 dollar DLCs out of it!"

~EA Games' marketing strategy for Hunt Down The Waifus!

"I paid one million dollars for a half-baked game and need two million for every DLC!? I want my fucking money back!"

~Ferdinand Marcos, victim, er, satisfied customer, denoting the success(ful rip-off) the marketing campaign.

"Waat arr yuu doing?"

~Joseph Kony, moments before he gunned down a waifu.

"EA GAYMES! I fucking keell YU!"

~Kony again on being tricked into shooting in-game waifus he wants to force into being acual wives.

"They plagiarized us! We're so suing!"

~(Fuck) Konami Games on claiming that Hunt Down The Waifus! copied Metal Gear Survive.

"Metal Gear Survive? What's that?"

~ Hideo "first of his name, the blood of Stanley Kubrik, David Lynch, Christopher Nolan, Andrie Tarkovsky, and John Carpenter, the Kwisatz Haderach" Kojima on the abomination by Panchikomani unworthy of his masterpiece.

Starring Dense, bland MC, tsundere blonde, nutty yandere brunette, big-boobed elder sister, loli incest younger sister, pink-haired princess (not Princess Bubblegum from Adventure Time, she's awesome!), bullet stopping kendo girl, blue-haired kuudere cliche doll, and Your Mother-in-Law. Afghan Patriarchy Simulator.


A/N: Hope you enjoyed my fic. I had a few issues with Hetalia if you had noticed. The second half of this story is a reference of the infamous Half-Life 2 mod, Hunt Down the Freeman.