So, the bus scene hurt me again when I went to see it in the cinema and I had to write based off of it.
The cider burns its way down Jamie's throat but it's not enough. It'll never be enough because he's not enough. He can play pretend all he wants but it'll never change the fact he's just a weak, disgusting faggot. His own dad doesn't want him. His mum lied to him. He even got kicked out of his school prom just because he wanted to go as himself.
Jamie chugs down the last remaining drops. He needs to forget, to just escape. There's a bus stop nearby and Jamie stumbles towards it. He can just, just get on a bus and go. Go wherever he wants. Maybe he'll find somewhere he could be accepted. Maybe he'll just go find someplace ugly just like him.
He just wants be accepted. He just wants to be Jamie New, the boy who sometimes wanted to dress like a girl, who wants to be loved and appreciated for who he is, not who people want him to be. Is that too much to ask?
"My name is Jamie New," Jamie shouts, because he wants to be that person, that person who is so unapologetically themselves that they can scream who they are to the world, not caring that they're in the rough part of town, that they're not alone. He wants them all to just be himself one more time. "And I'm…I'm gonna be a superstar. A drag queen! And y-you'll all remember this face, you're all gonna know my name, you're so dull, so blah and I'm-"
The distant sound of sirens is what ends up scaring them off, leaving Jamie on the grass, breathing through the pulses of pain that match the thumping of his heart. He tells himself that he's not going to cry because this is what he deserves. He's a shit son, a shit friend, he's a freak. This is just proof.
Jamie's not sure how long he ends up lying there but eventually, he hears footsteps. It's dark, and he's partially hidden by the bench, so he's not too worried. He continues to float in the sea of self-loathing but then there's something catching his ankle, a startled shit, and Jamie nearly laughs.
The universe wasn't done with him yet.
"What the fu-Jamie?"
"Hello Dean," Jamie greets, keeping his gaze firmly upwards at the sky. "Nice night, isn't it?"
"What the fuck happened to you?"
"Oh, you know. Existed. Made a couple of people angry. Nothing new. Want a go yourself? Kick a man when he's down?" It would make it feel final, almost. The finale of the fall of Jamie New.
To his surprise, nothing happens.
"I'm not…I'm not going to beat you up. What the hell?"
Jamie finally drops his gaze, narrowing his eyes at Dean despite how it makes the cut by them sting. "Don't play noble now Dean. This is what you wanted, isn't it? For me to know just how disgusting I am?" He grins, and there might be specks of blood on his teeth. "Trust me, I know."
"Jesus Christ." Dean runs a hand through his hair and it's unfair how attractive he remains, even now. "You're drunk, aren't you. Shit, you need, I dunno, an ambulance or something…"
He thinks of harsh bright lights. More hands touching him. His mother's face when they call her in.
"No," he commands sharply and Dean startles, then swivels back towards him, his face full of frustration.
"You're fucking bleeding," he argues. "Probably have a concussion too."
Jamie knows he doesn't look good, but he's also pretty sure they didn't have enough time to leave too permanent a mark.
"I'm fine," he replies smoothly.
"Oh yeah, then why you still lyin' on the grass?"
Jamie thinks about what to reply with and then settles on. "Tell me Dean, do you like your dad?"
"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" Dean snaps and oh, perhaps things make a little more sense now.
"Just a question. Got something to hide?"
"No," he snaps again. "He's…alright. Why you wanna know?"
"Imagine," Jamie says, and his voice sounds distant now. As if he's away with the fairies. Hah. "Imagine you're eight. You're innocent. You haven't experienced the cruelty of the world. The hate. Oh, you know of dislike, you've experienced that, but not hate. You've not experienced words that can utterly destroy you. Anyway. You're eight and you want to experiment. Your mum has these dresses and they look pretty, so pretty that you want to try them on yourself. So, you do. It feel's surprisingly nice, good even, and soon enough you're dancing around, wearing high heels that are too big for you and wondering why other boys don't seem to do this when it's so much fun. When it makes you so happy."
Jamie adjusts himself, propping his neck on intertwined fingers. "Then the door opens. It's your dad. You want to show off, ask him if he can see how beautiful you look, but something stops you. It's his face. He looks blank, almost, and then the anger comes. 'You disgust me' he says and those three words, those three words have followed me my whole life. They've followed me until I thought my dad had changed, that he finally accepted me. Only, it was all a lie and I got to hear them one more time. I am disgusting."
The tears once again threaten to fall but he only lets one escape. He's not about to break down in front of Dean Brown.
"You're…why do you act the way you do, when you know you'll get shit for it?"
Jamie snorts. "Because as much as I hate myself now, I'd only end up hating myself more later trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm tired Dean. Fucking tired. I don't want to hide who I am."
Dean doesn't say anything and surprises Jamie yet again by slumping down beside him, his knees drawn up to his chest and playing with a blade of grass.
"No one in school likes me, do they?"
Jamie rolls his eyes. Lo and behold Dean Brown, making it all about him.
"Wonder why," he says dryly and Dean shoots a quick glare at him before looking back at the grass.
"They like you though."
"They like the Jamie New they see, Mimi mi. Do you think they'd like this? I'm a novelty, sooner or later it'll wear off."
Jamie flinches when Dean's fist slams into the ground. "Jesus Christ Jamie, what's wrong with you? You're not-you don't act like this. You don't care what people say about you."
"Careful Dean," Jamie says sharply. "Someone might think you care. And I think I just told you what's wrong with me."
"Yeah, you've told me you've got a shit dad. I know he don't live with you so just fuck him. And shit, I've seen you and your mum. I know she loves you. And you got your friend, you've fucking got the whole school behind you."
"You make it sound so simple. Remind me, who was it who got me banned from the school prom?"
Dean has the decency to at least face away. "I didn't get you banned, I…got your drag show banned."
"That's where you're wrong Dean. You got me banned. I just wanted to be me at prom, not Mimi me, Jamie. I wanted to be Jamie New, the kid who just wanted to wear a dress, who wanted to look beautiful at his school prom. And I can't. Thanks to you. Thanks to society who think there's something wrong with me. Because I'm different. Because I don't want to be a girl but like girly things. Because I'm gay. Because-because-"
Jamie can't hold them in any longer and he starts sobbing, turning from Dean so he can at least save himself that embarrassment. He cries until snot clogs his nose and his breathes come out as short, stuttered gasps. When he turns back around, Dean is still there.
"Enjoy the show?" He asks thickly. "What, did you record it or something?"
Dean's face looks drawn and almost pale in the moonlight.
"No," he mutters. "Jamie, I'm…I'm sorry."
Jamie could laugh. "Nice joke Dean but I'm not falling for it."
"S'not a joke," Dean says and perhaps it's the fact he's still so quiet that Jamie actually begins to believe him. "Look Jamie, truth is…," he pauses, runs his fingers through his hair, and huffs. "Truth is, you scared me. You scared me with your confidence, with your looks. And…I hated how out you were, how nobody seemed to care. I wanted them to care."
Slowly, Jamie lifts himself up, wincing as the action pulls at his aching ribs. "Why did you want them to care?"
Dean sighs. "Cos then I'd know that you really were a freak and that I was right to…I was right."
"Right to what Dean?" Jamie asks as gently as he can manage.
With how his jaw is trembling so much, Jamie is surprised Dean manages to respond. "Hide."
"Gay? Or Bi?" Jamie asks quietly, resting his chin on one knee. "Or something else?" He quickly adds.
"I don't know about all the fucking identities or whatever out there," Dean snaps, almost as if a conditioned response, and then quietly carries on with, "Bi. So there. Now you know. Go on, laugh."
Jamie might antagonise Dean over a lot of things but he never would about that and so, he offers something in return. "I'm sorry I kissed you."
He could offer a lot of reasons as to why he'd done it but the simple truth was, he'd wanted to freak Dean out. Remind him that even when he had his fist in Jamie's shirt, Jamie was still the one in control.
"Sorry for…for threatening you."
The sound of a phone ringing startles them both and Dean pulls out his phone with a grimace. "I gotta get home. Are you…"
Jamie doesn't really know what he's going to do anymore but he says what he knows Dean wants to hear. "I'll be okay. And don't worry, your secret's safe with me. Promise."
Dean ends up running away without saying goodbye and Jamie stays where he is, missing the next bus, only to be found by Hugo minutes later. Later, once everything's been as fixed as they can be and he's finally about to go into his prom, wearing a pretty dress, he finds Dean. He reaches out a hand and Dean grasps onto it, holding tight.
I'm going with Jamie being the one who kissed Dean because when I went to see it in the cinema and I got the close up view, that's what it looked like (could have just been the actors being so prepared for it). This isn't quite what I meant to write when I first thought of this fic but I do hope you liked it. If you guys have any ideas for stuff you'd like to see, let me know (I can't promise I'll write it but I do think there needs to be more stuff for this fandom!)