This was in response to the tumblr prompt: weird meet-cutes 'You broke into my apartment, drunk, thinking it was your friends house'. There were a few other first meeting prompts as well which I might get around to writing and add as separate chapters :)


It was the loud thud that woke Todd up, the crash that made him grab the closest thing to him for a weapon and the high pitched 'whoopsie!' that made him wonder what the fuck was going on.

"Oh Sebastian, Seb-…you're not Sebastian."

Why was it always him?

Todd knew he wasn't the best person around and that karma had compensated him with shitty luck his whole life but surely, he didn't deserve this? He didn't deserve to have a drunk, British giraffe of a guy breaking into his home, wearing the brightest blue jacket Todd had ever seen and looking far too relaxed about the lamp that was brandished in his direction.

"Who the fuck are you? You need to get the fuck out of my flat right now or I'm calling the cops." It was an empty threat, the cops who bothered with this side of town were the ones who shouldn't have joined the force in the first place, but Todd was betting on the guy not knowing that.

"The cops?" The guy blinked. "Oh, you mean the police. You don't have to do that, I'm a good guy! A detective. A holistic detective. Name's Dirk Gently. I'm quite famous, you know. I'm sure I do a better job than your coppers at least!"

Now it was Todd's turn to stare blankly. What were the chances this was all just an insane nightmare?

"Don't suppose you have any food do you? I'm starving and it's never good to drink on an empty stomach. Though I suppose I've already drunken, drinken." The guy's, Dirk's, forehead creased and he leant forward, hand cupped around his mouth. "I've had a lot to drink," he whispered.

"No shit. And I'm not giving you food. Look you've clearly…broken into the wrong place. Go find the person you were looking for…Sebastian or whatever."

Dirk's eyes brightened. "Yes! Sebastian. He's a good friend of mine. We'll, he's a client but he's very ni-the case!" Todd jumped at Dirk's sudden yell and the man began to rock on the balls of his feet. "I solved the case! That's why I was drinking! I'm celebrating! Turns out it was the cashier, Seb's mother had twins but only kept Seb."

Jesus, just how much had this guy had to drink? "Listen…Dirk, you're drunk. You've just broken into my flat. I'm gonna give you to three to get out here."

"Get out of here? Why would I want to do that?! The universe has put me here for a reason. It always does. This is just part of a wider plan, a…oh, I know!" Dirk grasped Todd by the shoulders and it was only shock that stopped him punching the man. "You must be my new side-kick! Not had one of those in a while and you look like you'll fit the bill nicely, even if your lacking a bit of muscle."

"The-you're one to talk!" Todd argued, smacking Dirk's hands away.

"Yes," Dirk said patiently, as if Todd were the stupid one, "But I'm the one who solves the crime. I can't be expected to do all the work. Please, this isn't going to work if you're not willing to do your part."

"There is no this! You are just some crazy guy who broke into my house and smashed my vase!" The vase may have been a housewarming gift from his parents that he secretly hated but that was beside the point.

"Ah you say that but look, see, you've put down the lamp. That shows your soul can sense what's going on, even if your brain hasn't quite caught up yet," Dirk pointed out and…shit, he was right. Dirk then suddenly slumped. "This has been a lot of talking. I'm very drunk you know, makes it hard to keep coherent conversation. Have you got some bacon? Bacon should…should…"

Dirk spun around, walking on legs not unlike a baby deer. He staggered towards the sofa and, before Todd could stop him, fell face first onto it. Todd stood there dumbstruck until he realised Dirk was calling his name. He wasn't sure why he was encouraging this but even so, he crouched beside the other man who opened one eye to stare at Todd.

"You're an important man Todd Brotzman," Dirk said, his voice muffled. "I can feel it. You're special and together, we're going to be utterly amazing."

Before Todd could even begin to question, well, everything that had just left his mouth, Dirk's eyes promptly snapped shut and soft snores sounded. Todd spent a few seconds frozen, watching, before he decided to return to his own bed.

It was future Todd's problem to figure out how Dirk knew his name.