One day, Marinette woke up one morning feeling very different.
And by 'different', I of course mean she stopped giving a shit.
You did read the plot synopsis before clicking on this story, didn't you?! So why am I telling you this. On with the fic.
"Tikki, must you always hover by my head by my head when I'm trying to do my homework?" She first addressed her red and black kwami, upon rousing from her slumbers. "It's very distracting, and I'm sure I've failed a few tests because of it. Speaking of which, why do you always pop out in such stupid places, like when I'm on the toilet? Someone's bound to see you one day, and I'm not taking the blame. If they pack you off to some kind of experimentation laboratory, it's totally on you. If you want to spend the rest of your short lift prodded, poked and dissected by a bunch of men in hazmat suits, then be my guest. But I ain't pulling your spotted ass from the fire if push comes to shove."
"B-But M-Marinette…" her little shocked friend tried desperately to respond.
"I must also say, some of your advice is terrible." Marinette ignored Tikki's whinings to conclude her point. "Why should I have listened to Chloe during that whole Antibug nonsense, when she'd already lied to my face repeatedly? And I won that gaming contest fair and square to qualify for the big tournament. Who cares how long Max had been practicing for? I had every right to go for gold, and did so. The world isn't always cookies and cupcakes babe, which you really should stop eating so much of by the way. You're beginning to get a little paunchy around the thighs…"
Having had her say, Marinette then went on to literally shove her stunned kwami right into her bag, before she fastened it up and got changed.
Not into her usual boring ensemble which she'd apparently worn for at least every day for two seasons, but a revealing hot pink crop top, skinny jeans which left precisely nothing to the imagination and a pair of high heels with stilettos that could poke your eye out if you weren't careful. Nniiccee.
She also let her hair down fully into a fishtail braid and gave herself smoky eyes, glossy cheeks and intense scarlet lipstick. So there.
"MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SCHOOL LOOKING LIKE THAT! I DIDN'T RAISE MY LITTLE GIRL TO BE NO STREET HOOKER!" Marinette's father was predictably not impressed at her new look upon seeing his precious princess descend the stairs, and almost burnt his baguettes in his unabashed umbrage.
"Marinette, I can't help but feel your chosen attire this morning leaves something to be desired!" The teenage girl's mother was also displeased with her daughter's appearance, although a bit more subtle about it. "Perhaps you could tone things down a bit? Maybe, wear a bulky jacket…"
"Mom, dad, get off my case please. This is the way I roll now dawgs, so you better start accepting it. You dig?" Marinette remained unmoved by her parents concerns, and merely lit a cigarette to blow it in their faces arrogantly. "I'm sick of dressing like a little girl, so please throw out all my ballerina skirts and spotted dungarees while I'm gone. Also, can we stop having bread for every meal? I know we live in a bakery, but I think you're taking the irony too far. Well, smell ya later. Watch out for the deadly traps in my room too, btw. If you don't poke around my stuff while I'm out, you won't find 'em. Love ya."
Before Tom and Sabine could consider calling in a professional child specialist to have her assessed and committed, Marinette was already well away, swaggering to school with her new cool attitude.
En route, she got her jollies on telling the likes of Jagged Stone that he was a tired 60's throwback, or Alec that he was a terrible presenter who belittled everyone he interviewed, or Mayor Bourgeois he was a fat fool who cheated to win the election and let his spoilt daughter run riot around the city to everyone's misery.
Also, couldn't Nadja find someone else to babysit her little brat Manon for once? Why have kids anyway, if you're going to dump them on others constantly? That's just plain selfish.
On and on she went, mocking and ridiculing everyone, until basically the entire city was left in depressed tears, leaving poor Hawkmoth stuck for choice as to who to akumatize next. He could only affect one person at a time (these were the headcanon rules, after all) so in the end he was reduced to going 'Eeny Meeny Miny Mo' to find his next likely target.
In the meantime, our story continues. Next, our now gum-chewing blunette kicks open the school doors to get inside, drawing the ire of at least a few nearby members of the faculty.
"This is most unacceptable behaviour!" Mr Damocles informed the newly rebellious Marinette.
"How dare you enter in such a brazen fashion!" Ms Mendeleiev scowled at the recent arrival.
"This isn't like you at all, Marinette. What's the matter?" Miss Bustier asked worriedly.
"Zip it, you failed crime fighter, purple-haired grumpy guts and goodie-two-shoes spinster!" Marinette was definitely taking no prisoners today, and launched into yet another uncensored verbal volley. "I'm so sick of cleaning up everyone's messes around here, I think I deserve to be my true self that I've been hiding for so long. Now why don't you go back to your respective rooms to do nothing of consequence until the next akuma attacks, when you'll run around like headless chickens and be of no practical use whatsoever? Some responsible 'grown-ups!' When I'm an adult and I'm as pathetic as you three, please put me out of my misery. Now, off I go!"
Marinette wasted no more time with the middle-aged lame-os and whistled a merry tune as she strode defiantly into her classroom, making a bee-line for her desk accompanied by many intrigued stares along the way.
"If the next sentence out of your mouth starts with 'gurl', please don't bother starting it." Marinette remarked to an-about-to-flap-her-jaws Alya, as she put her feet up. "I'm so sick of hearing that word. Also, stop trying to involve yourself in all my private affairs, Miss Nosy. That's just rude. Like, I can approach my crushes whenever I want. I don't need you dropping hints or setting up embarrassing situations for my sake, so stop it, okay? Also, for future reference 'Rena Rogue', Trixx is to be returned to me straight away after a mission. Or I'll hold onto him permanently, and all you'll be once again is the sad owner of a blog no-one cares about. So be warned."
"Ooh! It looks like Little Miss Perfect is finally having a breakdown! Wait until Daddykins hears about this!" Chloe was typically snarky upon seeing her biggest rival's transformation, and began to film these great events for posterity.
"Listen, you fake festering peroxide pus-filled poostain on the backside of that is all good and holy…" Marinette unexpectedly leaned over to grab a sweating Chloe by the scruff of her neck, smashing her Android into many pieces in the process. "I've just about had it about up to here with your stupid comments and showing-off, when frankly you're the most shallow materialistic idiot it's ever been my displeasure to meet. I really don't give a flying fig about your mother abandoning you when you were a squirt, quite frankly looking at the monster you are now I can totally understand why. Is 'Character Development' a dirty word for you, or something? I've already told off your 'Daddykins' this morning for his extremely loose parenting 'skills', so unless you want to end up like Lila the liar when I threw her into that meat grinder last year I suggest you shut your cakehole this instant. What, you didn't wonder why she disappeared so suddenly? Or why the school meals for the next month tasted so strange? God, you really are the dumbest bimbos alive, aren't you? You, and your four-eyed gingernut slave over there. Yes, I am talking to you, Sabrina Raincomprix. Some advice for you, Toots: Change your name, get a new bestie, and don't be such a geekazoid. You'll thank me later."
Meanwhile, without further ado, Marinette left the sobbing school bullies in their wake to go off and snog Adrien Agreste right in front of everyone… with her tongue firmly inserted in his mouth, naturally. After all, they don't call it a French kiss for nothing. Ho ho.
"Mmm, not bad for a boy scout who stinks like rotten cheese all the time!" Marinette remarked seductively to a completely shellshocked Adrien, before her eager hand made a dive for his groin area. "You're pretty big where it counts, too. I like that in a man. What I don't like is your constant need to be so 'gosh darned nice' all the time even when people are horrible to you. Show some damn balls, guy. I know you have some, because I can feel them jiggling away right now. Also, tell your friend Nino over there to stop speaking like he's The Fresh Prince Of Paris, and your loner dad who's really a crazy supervillain to not treat you like some kind of caged animal. Kagami and Luka can get lost too, because we're the chosen couple and always will be. Isn't that right, Plagg?"
Marinette then made a grab for Adrien's holdall with her other hand, snatching a segment of Camembert from the stunned cat demon inside and nibbling it right in front of him. "Do you honestly think I'm blind, Adrien… or should I say, Cat Noir? You can glow your eyes as green as you like and grow out your sideburns, but if you look and sound the same as your human counterpart even when you're dressed in sexy black leather, I'm hardly going to mistake you for anyone else, am I? What, you didn't know I was Ladybug? Wow, guess who needs an eye test. Quick question: what use are you to me, anyway? You're always the first to get affected by an akuma, and your painful puns are plain terrible. I'm the one with the awesome power of purification, your meagre ability is merely the tiresome power of flirtation. Oh and that thing where you rot stuff, but who cares? It's getting old, dude. Besides, if you really wanted a roll in the hay, why didn't you just say? We're of age, it's Western Europe in the 21st Century, so let's get busy. I know the ideal place too… my bedroom, during the busiest part of the day at the bakery! Won't my parents be thrilled! Come on, off we go. I can't wait to see your extendable stick! No, not that one, stupid. The other one. Duh. Don't you know anything about innuendo?!"
And as the randy bug literally dragged Adrien out of school to play truant and molest him under the sheets, she tossed out a few other choice insults to those around her. "Ivan? You big wuss. Mylene? You big baby. Nathanael? Go jump Marc's bones, he obviously wants you. Alix? Too aggressive. Max? Too nerdy. Kim? Why do you have a girl's name? Rose and Juleka? Ignore network guidelines, and confess your love to each other. You know you want to! Oh, and Plagg? While I'm shagging your 'master' senseless, go and tell that old cheapskate Fu I expect to paid handsomely for every successful mission I complete now. Times are tight, and I can no longer offer my valuable services pro bono. Now, shall we go… 'lover boy'?"
But before deflowering the delicate innocence of the model once and for all, Marinette shot a little look off camera. "Oh, and a little message to you, Jeremy Zag and Thomas Astruc. Get on with showing the rest of season two, stop wasting your time with all these stupid things like musicals, chibis, anime, movies, webisodes, live-action television shows and tacky merchandise, and give us what we've been waiting for, dagnabbit it! We know you only care about money, but try having a bit of Gallic pride, can you? Anyway, come on Master Agreste, it's time to have some intense interesting intercourse. Whether you like it, or not. Repeatedly. Into the wee hours of the morning. If there's a deadly akuma in the meantime, please take a message. Off we go. WOO HOO!"
And as the shrill screams of a ravished Adrien slowly faded from the hall, the rest of the confused and confuddled class looked at each other in utter confabulation.
"Who the fuck are Jeremy Zag and Thomas Astruc?!"
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's somewhat wot I wrote. Because I'm insane. Bye! :))