Chapter 1: A Captain with a Hat and a Vice with a Tie


An endless expanse of stars and galaxies, worlds of discoveries and people and experiences...and hopefully spaghetti. I like spaghetti.

...I hate space. I have truly grown to hate space. It's so BORING! There's NOTHING in an empty sea of space! Stars are overrated, people! They're white dots!

The only thing that makes space travel nice is when you're in your boomerang ship with your working kitchen, cleaning and making pancakes.

Which brings me Hi! I'm Vice Captain of the...well, our ship doesn't really have a name. Captain hasn't given it one yet. So I just call it our ship. Not like we see any other ones...

But just because I'm Vice Captain doesn't mean I'm not capable! Sure, I, mayyyy look like a little boy, and maybe I have big, baby blue eyes...and a button nose...and incredibly pinchable cheeks according to the Captain, but that doesn't make me incapable! I am an excellent mai-Vice Captain!

Aaaaanyway, if you people don't know how space travel works, you gotta have time in the equation. I mean, space-time, right? Right?...Okay, don't ask me anymore, I don't know. But for our ship, our main fuel source is Time Pieces

Time Pieces are nifty little bitesize time controllers with a lot of punch. Perfect to use as fuel for space travel...somehow. The science is in there somewhere. They're very precious and valuable, space travel ain't easy y'know, so we keep them in a vault...which is now EXTREMELY, SECURELY, FOREVER LOCKED!

And with that, allow me to recount the day that was both the best, and worst chain of events to ever happen to me.

Tie in Time

It was morning...maybe. Can't tell in space. And I was cooking up breakfast. I'm definitely no whiz when it came to cooking, but there was one thing I knew how to make; Captain's favourite pancakes.

I was flipping the last pancake out of the pan, before grabbing my heart cutter and stamping it out, pulling the rest of it away before folding it up and putting it on a separate plate. This was how it almost always went at breakfast; Captain would get the heart-shaped pancakes, and I would make myself a little pancake pizza from the leftovers.

With the last of the pancakes done, and my pancake pizza complete, I washed my hands and walked over to the mirror I kept on the side. Despite how I always felt about it, I had to look presentable for the captain.

I was wearing a favourite of mine. I wore a bright red neatly collared shirt with baggy sleeves pinned back with gold buttons, and black trousers with dark blue rubber boots (don't judge me, there's been more floods on this ship then you think.) along with a dark pink belt around my waist...the, trousers were a bit too long for me.

I'm quite pale...happens when you're not within range of a sun for a while. Got some nice black hair too! I have it in a nice bob cut that curls up at the ends around my cheeks and the back of my head. It would be perfect if it wasn't for two very specific cowslips on top of my head which refused to stay down. The Captain gleefully pointed out that it makes me look like a water fountain...that was fun.

But of course, my outfit would not be complete without my tie. My pride and joy which practically cemented me as Vice Captain. It was perfect sized for me, and had a snow white and candy pink stripes is a manly colour where I come from, okay? The best part though, is that it has a little black smiley face at the top knot...which, y'know, I like...

Anyway, I set the plates on the table and headed out into the main area of the ship. It led to everywhere else, and had the TV and vault. Along with...

"Hiya Roombi." I greeted our 'pet' Roomba. The little grey disk looked happy to see me. "You doing okay? Captain hasn't tried to get anymore piggyback rides from you, has she?"

Roombi seemed to squeak and shuffle away at mention of the Captain. One too many Roomba rides the Captain wanted, it seemed.

"Welp, I'm gonna wake her up now. So keep that in mind." I told him as I made my way to the bedroom. As I passed I looked at the information screen, one of many on the ship. Power was flowing to all areas effectively, and the screen totalled up our number of Time Pieces: 120.

I made my way to the bedroom and crept in. The first thing that happened was that I was horrified at the Captain's pillow fort. It had somehow progressed into a pillow mountain. Where did she get more pillows? HOW did she get more pillows?

I crept over to the Captains bed. Captain got her own room whilst I slept in the laundry room. The ship didn't account for two people. I then proceeded to find her lump in her bed and poke it forcefully.

"Captain...Captain, wake up." I continued poking her. "Wake up, Captain."

"Mmmmmeeeehhhhh…" She moaned, feebly batting my hand away.

I rolled my eyes and walked over to her alarm clock. She'd deliberately broken it again. I rewound it and pushed the face and bells back in, then stood there and waited before the clock gave out a loud-


"Ahhhhhhhhh!" The Captain jumped out of bed, fully clothed, her hat falling over her eyes. "Attack!? Are we under attack!? Who's attacking us!? Cats!? Sharks!? Sharks riding laser cats!?"

"Good morning, Captain." I greeted her with a half-forced smile.

She plucked her hat over her eyes before smiling at me. "Ah! Good morning Cadet!"

This...was my Captain.

The Captain looked no older then ten with a purple shirt, yellow cape, white trousers and brown booties, along with her favourite purple top hat with a yellow ribbon tied into a bow around it. Her baby blue eyes were horribly adorable when she needed them to be, as her brown hair was tied in a ponytail.

"Is it morning?" She asked, before jumping up. "Does that mean it's breakfast? Does that mean-!?"

"Already on the table." I told her.

"Yay!" She bolted down the corridor towards the kitchen, and I sighed as I followed her.

When I first wanted to get into space travel, Captain was the one who eagerly let me join when nobody else would. Of course I was grateful at the time, but I slowly found out about her...nature.

Captain was gleeful and enthusiastic to a fault. A BIIIIIIIIIG fault. She has a habit of running into things full speed, fire at her feet, most of the time crashing head first into it, all with a great big smile on her face. That's what lead to a lot of the aforementioned floods when she tried to help me with washing, as well as some other problems when we stopped off on planets for food. I don't even know how she survived before she recruited me with a bone-crushing hug.

The other thing was that she was mischievous. A bad kind of mischievous. More then one time I found her typing in 'PORN' or 'RULE 34' into the ships computer, both of which were submitted for federal review...somehow. Plus the Roomba riding, pillow fort, and especially the mail room. Whenever I go in there I almost always get poked in the eye by a stray flying letter.

The Captain and I had been space travelling for a while now...long enough for me to become wary of her. Our trips had mainly been 'adventures' as she liked to call them, when really we were supposed to be doing a job. But now, finally, we were heading back home...and I was going to quit the moment we got back.

I don't think you understand how much of a nightmare it was to put up with her sometimes. Beneath that cute exterior was a vicious, sweet food devouring, mess making, people angering devil. It was not a stretch to say that I had nearly died more then once on this trip of ours.

I walked into the kitchen to find the Captain already stuffing her face with her pancakes, of course after drenching them in syrup. I sat down and began eating my pancake slices.

"Cadet!" She suddenly announced, and I waited as she choked on her mouthful of pancakes before swallowing. "...What's on the agenda today?"

"Well, Captain, we've only got one more space-time jump to do before home." I told her. "I made the last jump as you were heading off to bed. We're currently in orbit of a small planet, waiting for the ship to gain enough charge for the last jump."

"That's awesome! It means we're nearly home!" She cheered, jumping off her seat and dancing around me. "This has been some adventure, huh, Cadet? Remember the time we stopped at that one planet to get donuts?"

"And we were almost eaten by dinosaurs? I recall." I nodded as I ate my pancakes.

"The time where we explored that spooky castle?"

"I was kidnapped by ghosts..."

"When we met that clown on that one planet?"

"That snail never stood a chance."

"It's been so perfect!" She giggled, patting me on the back. "But I'm glad we're heading back home now."

'Not as glad as I am.' I thought bitterly.

"So, whaddya wanna do while we're waiting?" She asked as she hopped on top of the table and lay down on her stomach, head in her hands and feet kicking the air lazily. "Wanna watch some cartoons?"

"You mean reruns?" I asked, recalling the Captains favourite channel which she absolutely refused to change.

"Okey-dokey, how about a sparring match?" She asked as she pulled out her favourite blue umbrella with yellow stars on it from inside her hat.

"For the last time not in the ship." I sighed.

"Hmmmm…" She suddenly squeezed my cheeks together. She had a habit of playing with faces. "Whadda you wanna do then, Cadet?"

'I wanna eat my breakfast and go home.' "I think we should just take it easy today, Captain."

"Ohhhh! Waitwaitwait!" She leapt to her feet. "You said we're in orbit of a planet, right? And this is the last place before home, sooooo…" She suddenly smiled sickeningly sweetly. "I'm gonna get some treats for us for a job well done!" With that she ran into the main room.

I sighed. The Captain's method of planet exploration was not good for the heart. For one thing, her method of actually getting down to the planet...was jumping. Jumping and falling. I'm not ashamed to admit I screamed when she first seized me by the wrist and leapt out the window with me in tow. After that, it was running around, grabbing whatever looked either shiny or edible. It was lucky the ship had an instant rescue feature which teleported us back to it when necessary.

"Heeeeeey, Cadet? Can you come here a second?" I heard her call out.

'Oh no, what has she done now?' I swallowed the last bit of my breakfast and slowly made my way to the main room. "What is it, Captain? Is the TV acting up again?"

"No, it's..." She pointed to the window, and I did a double take.

Standing outside the tiny window of our glass screen was a burly looking bald man with a small black moustache wearing a blue striped suit and a white apron. He was knocking on the window and set his (really unintimidating) glare on me.

"2 passengers!" The man declared. "That mean little girl and boy owe Mafia double payment now."

"Wha…?" I just stared in disbelief. "What is this?"

"He says we have to pay him." The Captain said.

"Not that! How did he even get up here?"

"Mafia spot ship! Then Mafia slingshot Mafia up. Mafia's nose is very sore now."

"He says because we're on Mafia turf, we need to pay a toll." Captain elaborated.

"On their tur-? We're in orbit!" I cried.

"Orbit belong to Mafia." The man said.

I just glared at him in disbelief.

"Don't worry, Cadet, I'll get the broom!" Captain said.

"Mafia just come in to collect toll." He grabbed the handle of the window.

"Hey!" I grabbed the other handle and pulled, refusing to let him in. "Go away!"

"I've got this, Cadet!" Captain declared, before she suddenly jumped at the window and hit it hat first, causing it to bonk the man in the face and close it. "Ta-da! Problem solved!"

"Uhhh, right." I looked at the Captain as she turned away, looking rather pleased with herself. I then looked out the window to find the man...still floating there. In fact, it looked like he was about to-

"Captain!" I screamed in horror.

But it was too late, as he smashed straight through the window, causing the vacuum of space to pull him, me and the Captain all out together. And if that wasn't enough, a whole flood of rainbow glowing hourglasses began falling too!

"Aaaaaahhhhh! The Time Pieces!" I screamed in horror as our fuel fell down to the planet below, just before I finally entered the planets gravity, and began plummeting down.

And from just got worse.

Howdy-ho! With the Hat in Time DLC dropping, this seemed like a perfect time to start writing a HiT story. Yaaaaaaay!

This story primarily follows Tie Brat, Hat Kid's Vice Captain. He's got neckwear, a yo-yo, and is the only person alive who doesn't like his far. If you couldn't tell, this is inspired by Konan720's 'Amnesiac's Journey' which I do recommend. The title of this story right now though is in working, so if you have any suggestions, feel free to say so.

But in any case, I hope you enjoyed! I'll see you all in the next chapter!