FEELS LIKE HOME TO ME

Something in your eyes

Makes me want to lose myself

Makes me want to lose myself

In your arms

There's something in your voice

Makes my heart beat fast

Hope this feeling lasts

The rest of my life

It feels like home to me

"James, why don't you join us for coffee?" Harry doesn't hear the rest of what his dad says as all he can do is try to not stare at James, look everywhere else. Tony is going on about what occurred the previous day and all Harry can wonder is when is he going to speak? Is he going to hear that voice that gave him the ultimatum yesterday? Or the one that said "I love you" and made his inside shiver. Or the one that always makes him feel at home? The one that makes him feel free and safe to be himself because there is no judgement. Just acceptance.

Instead there is silence. No response to Tony's questions and when Harry finally manages to look at James all he sees is his back as he walks to the door. Until Ste speaks up "James any news on this intruder?" and James turns around to answer to question as there is no other option. No way to avoid talking to Ste and looking at Harry.

And now Harry is finally looking straight at James and watching him as he looks everywhere but at Harry. How he avoids looking at Harry at all cost.

Look at me, the voice in his head starts quietly and becomes louder. Look at me and let me know you didn't mean what you said yesterday, that you aren't moving on. That you will wait for me. That you love me. That you still want me. That I can let you become home. But James never looks at him, he looks everywhere BUT at Harry, Harry isn't actually sure he's ever seen James so uncomfortable about who to look at the entire time he's known him.

Harry looks straight at James, willing him to look at him, to smile at him, to give some indication that Harry even exists to him. But he doesn't, after telling Ste that he isn't following through on the break and enter he turns and walks away. James turns the opposite way, so Harry is the first thing he turns his back too. Like he isn't even there.

Like he doesn't even love him anymore.

And suddenly who he is starting to call home feels very very far away.

If you knew how lonely my life has been

And how long I've been so alone

If you knew how I wanted someone to come along

And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where

I come from

"You have until 4 o'clock."

James can't believe he had the guts to say that to Harry, the he sounded like he meant it when he said it. Honestly he was a little impressed with himself because when Harry had shown up at his door and asked if he "could just wait" all he really wanted to do was say yes. Yes, I'll wait. Yes, I love you and I don't want you to lose your family. Yes, we are worth all of this.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't sit back and watch Harry go back to Ste every day. Hear about the wedding preparations and listen to people talk about how happy they would be. Having been with Harry, start to experience a real relationship after being alone for so long. Having been so lonely for so long he couldn't bare to be that way with Harry. For once James wanted to be the first choice, wanted for Harry be his home and be where he belonged.

The door opened just before 4pm Harry walking in before slowly turning to close it and lean upon it, as though it could bear the weight of his problems. And for a moment he allowed himself to believe they would have a future and a home together where he was Harry's first choice. "You've either come to return your key or to say you are happy to keep letting yourself in" and to be honest, he said because he wanted a few more moments of hope. As Harry pulled him in for a kiss James let himself believe.

Hope that died as soon as "Your the one I want to be with but for my family Ste's the one I need to be with." James would never be able to tell anyone what he actually said to Harry at that point he just knows his mouth opened and words came out while Harry turned, put his keys on the counter and slowly walking out of his flat and his life.

James's dreams of home walking out the door with him.

A window breaks down a long dark street

And a siren wails in the night

But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me

And I can almost see through the dark there is light

If you knew how much this moment means to me

And how long I've waited for your touch

If you knew how happy you are making me

I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me

Sometimes Ste can't believe Harry and he have survived everything they have. From Harry coming out to Ste's addictions to cheating to Amy's murder and everything in between. They are here now, preparing to get married to each other.

Laying in bed, watching Harry sleep all Ste can think is Harry really is his home and how they will face the future together. That his "wide eye gorgeous decent lad" has finally come back to him, that they are going to be married and live happily ever after. It has taken Ste years to finally feel like he is a whole person who deserves to be loved and happy. And they are - happy and in love. Harry rolls over and mumbles in his sleep causing Ste to smile and his heart warm. The need to touch Harry is overwhelming so Ste scoots up behind, molding his body to Harry's back, wrapping an arm around Harry's waist and sleep comes easily as to one who are content that they are home.

He was home.

It feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where

I come from

Harry is awake when Ste's arm comes around him, snuggling up to his back, feeling Ste's breathe on his neck slow until he knows that Ste is asleep. Harry stares at the wall and waits for sleep to come, for him to sleep as peacefully as Ste. To sleep knowing he made the right decision for him and his family.

There was time when this was all he wanted, that Ste was all he wanted and would have done anything for them to be here together. Planning a wedding with full family support while they prepared to spend the rest of their lives together. But tonight - tonight all he could think of was the clinking of his keys on James's counter as he dropped them there. Of the silence as he left James house and the suffocating feeling in his chest which did not seem to be going away. That it wasn't James behind him with his arm around his waist and breathing on his neck. And the pressure on the chest increased and Harry closed his eyes wishing he knew how to make it go away without hurting everyone on his loved. But the answer didn't come while he lay looking at the while willing sleep to come.

Home wasn't simple anymore and Harry knew it would never be again.

It feels like home to me

It feels like home to me

Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

James lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Fresh sheets were not the cure hoped for nor were they making him feel more at home. He had made himself changed the sheets from the last time Harry had been over before getting into bed. All but the pillow cases. He couldn't bring himself to completely rid his life of Harry's scent, of ending all reminder of Harry in his life. The keys still lay on the kitchen counter where Harry had laid them down.

James understood why, logically, Harry had made the decision he had and he wasn't sure if it was him with his family he wouldn't have made the same one. Ellie, Alfie and his mom meant the world to him and he would do almost anything to keep them safe and happy. After everything they had been through. But his heart - his heart ached. His arms ache to hold Harry in them while they talked about everything in the dark with nothing but acceptance and love. To feel at home, to finally feel at home.

James wasn't sure he would ever feel that again.

It feels like home to me

It feels like home to me

Sometimes finding home is never as simple as you want it to be.