This, the fateful final chapter in this Cable/Deadpool series, has been brought to you by Horny On Main Pictures, in association with Suppressed Aromantic Desires Inc., and a little help from I Don't Usually Curse Studios.
We hope you enjoy the show.
With a gut deep groan, Cable pulled himself from the utterly world-endingly relaxing depths of his practically boiling Japanese 'bath'.
'Bath' because he'd never had a bath like that one before. One you were supposed to bathe before and sink down into slowly as it threatened to boil you alive. Though, if you got yourself all the way down in it, and those things were deep for a 'bath', you were in for a practically religious experience.
That's how Wade had described it anyway, and for once: the hyperbolic description was right on the mark.
Reaching for a hotel provided towel and catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, Cable realized that the techno organic planes of his upper body were already dry.
Hm. He hadn't thought about it, but metal evaporated water almost instantaneously if you got it hot enough.
He'd have to show Wade sometime.
The rest of him was also starting to dry now that it was out of the simmering pool and in the humid air of the spacious bathroom. He barely even needed the towel, except that he'd forgotten his change of clothes out in the sleeping part of their hotel room and he didn't want Wade getting too fired up when they had such an important job to handle first thing in the early morning.
Fucking Yakuza and their early morning schedules.
Making sure the towel was secure around his waist, Cable pushed the door open and stealthed his way to where his clothes were, laid out in a neat pile and simply forgotten when he'd been invited to try the Japanese tub. By the guy laying on the giant bed in the middle of the room, cellphone cupped in both hands and a good excuse as to why he didn't want to use the tub right after Cable's great 'honor' of 'going first': The scalding hot water didn't do well with his skin. Reminded him of when it had all burned.
Cable was glad the haunted look on his husband's face had dissipated when he'd agreed to try what sounded like an absolute torture session to be the judge of himself. Turns out, he'd do it again.
"Oh my God, guess what's behind you right now?" Cable heard asked by the woman he had a tentative romantic attachment with. Her voice coming clear through Wade's cellphone and causing Cable to pause in his mission of not-being-spotted-until-he-had-the-chance-to-get-dressed and look over.
How'd she seen him anyhow?
"Uh, lemme guess: A member of the Yakuza about to slit my throat with a razor sharp sushi blade?"
"What?" Came Ness's confused reply, just before her eyes met with Cable's and the two of them shared a moment of sympathetic eye contact.
"Thanks for warning me, babe, but you don't need to let some low life interrupt our call. After all, would only take a couple seconds for me to get the knife from my assailant and carve a nice sashimi right out of their-"
"No, Wade, sweetie, it's your hot as fuck husband in nothing but a towel giving the two of us the hottest eye fuck I've ever seen." Cable's eyes widened as Ness spoke, surprised by the compliment and her assessment of his attention to their phone call. He hadn't thought he was being intrusive, but he did love it when the married couple got domestic with each other. Made him feel... happy. Especially when they invited him to join in. Ness was thoughtful like that too.
His thoughts were cut off when a mutant he hadn't noticed perform a rolling tuck and leap off the enormous 'honeymooner' bed—it was part of their cover—landed right in front of him. Execution and landing perfect even though he was still on the phone.
"Well, me and mini me are getting the feeling there's a cyborg around here somewhere who's starting to get lonely," Wade said, smiling wide at the giggle that came through his phone speaker at his joking.
"Alright, babe, have a great night and just remember: anything hot as hell happens, I get the exclusive inside scoop."
"Oh, you know I can never wait to tell you all about what Cable and I get up to," Wade assured with a giggle of his own.
"Yeah, that's one reason I enjoy it so much, babe," Ness reminded, the tone of her voice suggesting that the word 'enjoy' was not quite strong enough to do justice to her true levels of pleasure at the prospect of yet another erotic tale of her husband's time off on a couple's hit and or rescue job.
Cable watched as Wade bit his own bottom lip and wished Ness a good night, then stowed his phone and lifted his eyes to engage Cable's in an intimate little stare down.
"So, that towel there 'cause you're feeling shy, or did you just not want to make things too easy for me?" Wade asked with a strong eyeridge wiggle.
"Neither. We have work in the morning and I thought-"
"Thought I'd put work before the emotional needs of my one and only husband? How big a dick do you think I am?" Wade asked as he took a moment to give Cable a good looking over.
"Well..." Cable said. Suggestively. Glancing down to Wade's pijama'd crotchal region.
"I asked how big a dick you think I am, not how big a dick you think I have. Geez, get your mind out of the gutter," the guy who was stepping close and wrapping a tender arm around Cable's waist teased. Making the guy in nothing but a towel chuckle.
That was one of the things that Cable loved about his husband: man knew how to make him laugh. And how to make him feel special. The way he was starting to feel right about then, what with his unclothed body being pulled into a warm embrace and his organic hand taken in a playfully possessive grasp.
"Let's tango, marido," suggested Wade from where he was nuzzling their heads together.
"How 'bout a waltz?" Counter suggested a Cable who'd just had all his muscles turned to pudding by a boiling Japanese bathtub and didn't feel like tempting fate with a Latin cardio dance routine.
"Hm, partial to the old three-four signature, eh?"
"Oh, never took music theory, I see," Wade smirked into Cable's cheek, where he nibbled gently at the stubble starting along his peppering sideburns. Reminding him he was in need of a shave.
"What the hell?"
"Ooh, you don't even know what music theory is? Don't have music in the future? I feel bad for all the starving musicians-"
"We have music, just, I didn't think you knew music-"
"Better than you do? Sweetie, I know we've been married almost a year, but there are still a lot of things you don't know about me," Wade said, sneaking his hand south to cop a feel of Cable's towel covered ass cheek.
"Like the fact that you're incorrigible?" Cable quipped, indulging himself and copping a corresponding, pijama covered feel of his own while the opportunity presented itself.
He loved the way Wade shivered whenever he did that.
"Look who's talking, Mr. Raging Hormones," Wade said as he pushed his body against Cable's with enough force that the guy with the wet hair had to take a good full step back to keep his balance. Chuckling when his barely damp back went flush with the bedroom wall.
Not letting go his handful of hard yet supple ass, Cable indulged in another of his favorite pastimes. Loving the soft, appreciative moan it got him when he took a tender nibble at the sensitive region right over Wade's jugular.
Cable barely held in a moan of his own when he switched methods, sucking hard enough to give the skin a light purple hickie, and got bucked flusher against the wall for his troubles.
Wade practically melted against him after that, his breathing erotically ragged as Cable re-marked the quick to heal skin. The man doing the marking both enjoying and resenting the way his husband's regenerative factor disappeared the evidence of his ministrations as he moved methodically down the thoughtfully, purposefully exposed neck.
Darn dirty deviant knew his weaknesses.
Eventually, Wade managed to catch breath enough to speak. "Hey, um, Cabey baby?"
"Yeah?" Cable grumbled from where his mouth was getting into working at the stretch of muscle between Wade's neck and shoulder; the scent of his lover's skin alone luring him in hard.
"I think your eye's glowing. Doesn't it usually only do that when something bad's about to-" the words cut off as Cable shoved Wade suddenly down and to one side. The lost and confused look it put in his husband's eyes and the subsequent pang of guilt he felt over the action hurting him far more than the pang he felt from his organic shoulder.
The one with the throwing star sticking out of it in an almost comical, macabre sort of way.
Wade was on his feet in an instant, face hard as he addressed the seemingly empty room at large. "That better have been meant for me!"
"It was aimed between your vertebrae. For your spinal cord. Only got me because I didn't move fast enough. Distracted," Cable chastised himself, knowing that if he'd just been paying attention-
"Shh, babe," Wade said, coming close to inspect the damage. A worry line furrowing deep between his brow ridges. "I was just as distracted as you. Otherwise, I would have done this!"
Cable felt the warning system in his eye flare to life the same instant that something black came spinning through the air toward them, only to be snatched by a faster-than-the-eye flick of the arm by the quickest mutant Cable had ever had the pleasure of meeting. And marrying.
Then, the two of them on full alert, Wade's head twitched and it was obvious he'd pinpointed their hidden assailant. So, with a windup that bunched muscles Cable could see through the full sleeved pijama top, Wade let it rip.
"Take that, fucker!" Cable's ears rang with both the declaration of vengeance and the screech of the throwing star tearing past the ceiling and straight into a metal air vent. Which screamed in alarm and promptly began oozing blood. Human blood.
When the vent followed that up with some gurgling and a few desperate scrabbling noises, Wade threw a second star and, on account of his excellence in everything sharpshooting, that did the trick.
Hm. But where'd he gotten a second- Oh, right, Cable thought as he glanced over to where the pointy hunk of metal was no longer sticking out of his shoulder, the guy with the mutant speed had reached a blind hand behind himself and plucked the star from his roomy's flesh. Faster than Cable'd been able to register.
Wade's hands went akimbo and he scoffed at the now somewhat exposed air vent. "Showed that punk who's boss, right, Cable- Oh, geez! You're bleeding!" Then, seemingly on instinct, having caught sight of the nice red trickle starting down the shorter of them's front, Wade whipped the towel off from around Cable's hips and pressed it, in the form of a wadded up ball, against the puncture wound.
To which, Cable breathed in on a hiss, both at the sudden chill assaulting his bottom half and the fresh sting from his newest, soon-to-be scar.
"Fuck, sorry- Sorry 'bout that, babe. It's just... I've never seen you get hurt before. Kinda scared me."
"Welcome to my world." Cable said, watching as Wade braced the back of the shoulder he was applying pressure to. So it didn't have to dig into the wall for support. "I have to watch you 'get hurt' all the time."
"Completely different: I bounce right back. Every time," reasoned the guy wearing the most persistent worry face Cable'd seen since the day they'd gone to the hospital to have Cher delivered.
Thankfully, the birth had gone smoothly and the bouncing baby was healthy and happy in her multi-parented home.
Far as anyone could tell. Sure smiled a lot, if that was a good indicator.
Cable let a smile reach his face, despite the fact that he'd essentially just been stabbed, and raised his non-organic hand to place it carefully over Wade's. On the towel that was pressed against his shoulder just a couple, nearly crushing times harder than it needed to be.
"Yeah? Well I 'bounce right back' too," he reassured, while gently prying Wade's hand away from his 'starting to go numb here' shoulder.
"See? Already stopped bleeding," Cable said with just a hint of pride. And understanding.
Then his eye started glowing again.
"How many?" Asked Wade, in his 'some bastard's going down' voice.
"Four outside the window and five about to knock on the-"
"House keeping!" Came a pleasant voice from the door. Preceded by a firm knock.
"I knew I heard the pitter patter of assholes," Wade quipped as he gave the staunched puncture wound one more worried look.
"I take the punks, you take the swashbucklers?" Cable suggested, pointing to the door then the window respectively.
"Guns, swords," Cable said, pointing again.
"Ooh, I've always wanted to test my katana against another sword wielder!"
"That's what I thought," Cable deadpanned, reaching down for the all but forgotten pile of clothes by his foot.
"No time for pants, silly; these Walking Dead mother fuckers are busting in now," Wade said with glee as the door and the window both shattered with the onslaught of a very forced entry.
Hm, thought Cable as he pulled up his shield and bounced a slew of bullets right back at the numb-sculls busting through the doorframe, walking around in the nude like this reminded him of porn. And thinking of porn reminded him of the novel way in which Cher had been conceived.
"Hey, Wade?" Cable asked as he roundhoused some sorry sucker in the face.
"Yeah, babe?" Wade asked to the sound of an entire, definitely Yakuza arm hitting the floor. Without its owner.
"Think Ness'll like this story?"
"Uh, might wanna leave out this part," Wade cautioned to the sound of someone losing a head to his swords.
Cable hummed at the answer he'd been expecting. "Think it's time for some home movies then?"
"Oh fuck yeah! Now I know what we're doing the moment we get home!"
So Cable and Wade made quick work of the ruffians losing pieces of themselves all over the nice hotel room, then turned to face each other in an unconscious hope that no further injuries had taken place.
Breathing a sigh of relief when the worst that had happened to either appeared to be that they'd almost broken a sweat.
Falling back into relaxation mode, Cable asked the most pertinent question he could find. If not the most obvious. "What about the bodies?"
"Eh, we'll just say the room was like this when we got here," Wade breezed, wiping his katana clean on some no-longer-living member of Japanese organized crime's jacket.
"Really? Covered in decapitated Yakuza and-"
"Yeah, I'm sure they've heard worse," Wade said with a dismissive wave of one hand. Storing his blades with the other weapons.
"That's what I thought," Cable said with a smirk when the guy who at least had pj's on couldn't think up any 'worse' scenarios. "We should report it to the staff as a break in: These two opposing groups barged in and fucking killed each other. All over the Goddamn carpet."
"Well," Wade started with a sigh, "it's better'n anything I got."
"Besides, other guests have probably already made noise complaints as it is. Better our story corroborates theirs," Cable said as he padded across the room and finally slipped into his night clothes. Deliberately flexing his entire upper body as he pulled on the shirt.
"Fucking tease," Cable heard Wade accuse almost beneath his breath.
Felt good to know he could rile the guy up like that.
"So, should we ask for another room? It is our 'honeymoon' after all," Cable reminded with a seductive raise of an eyebrow.
"Really? Even though we have work in the morning?" Wade asked, practically bouncing at the thought. The implications.
"Well, I figure we must've just taken care of half the job already," Cable said with a sardonic glance around the overcrowded room. "We've got the time-"
And his sentence was cut short by his husband scooping him bodily into his arms and throwing the both of them together halfway across the room and onto the oversized bed. Which surprisingly only threatened to crack in half upon impact.
"I'll bet we have another minute and a half till the authorities get here; let's make it count!" Insisted the crazed man Cable had agreed to spend the rest of his life with. Squishing him down into the bed covers in his enthusiasm.
All Cable could do in response was laugh. Big belly jiggling, eye watering, lung hurting laughs. Which only doubled down when the poor first responders walked through the door to find the horrible mess of dismembered bodies and a hairless man ripping the clothes off a cyborg using nothing but his teeth.
Man, life had the weirdest sense of humor.
And Cable was so telling Ness about this.
If the ending doesn't make sense, might I be so bold as to suggest a read through of the story Waiting Around To Die. It is the companion work to this one and will fill in any blanks. Happy hunting! And thanks for sticking it through to the end!