Lord Voldemort was taking a nap in his bedroom in Malfoy Manor (Draco's bedroom had been given to Voldemort) when he was awoken by a loud cry coming from the dining room below. The dining room was Lucius's favorite place to torture people and had become the conference-room for all of the Death Eater's meetings after Bellatrix had cackled so violently that the walls of the old hideout had crumbled into nothingness, killing Crabbe and Goyle in the resulting mass flooding when the sewer pipes had ruptured. The Dark Lord creakily got out of bed, removed his nightcap (he wore it because he was bald) and floated towards the door, his long toenails grating on the floorboards. The screaming grew louder, and now Voldemort was confused and slightly constipated.
"No more! I yield!" Came a man's voice from below. Voldemort realized that torture was going on down below and he did not want to miss out, so he began to descend the stairs with unearthly grace…as if he was on a travelator in an airport. He felt ghostly stirrings from the place where his dong used to be – Voldemort had always found torture to be extremely arousing and now he was experiencing a phantom erection. His horcruxed dong was locked away in his Swiss bank vault however, and so he remained sad and unfulfilled.
As Voldemort conflagrated the mahogany doors to the dining room and made his grand entrance, he stopped dead at the sight before him. There were two muggles tied to the dining table and it was obvious that Lucius and Narcissa had been eating sushi off of one of them. Nagini was slithering up and down the table, eating loose pieces of salmon that had fallen off the sushi and nipping the bodies of the muggles with her sharp and venomous fangs. Their screams bounced off the walls as her venom caused their veins to melt from the inside, and Voldemort's phantom erection twitched and stiffened even more. Nagini was a picture of beauty. A goddess incarnate…with her glistening fangs, her muscular snakey body… Oh he wanted her! Wanted to wrap himself around her, hold her and run his abnormally long tongue up her sensual fangs. But, no...she would not have him. She didn't find humans attractive – even if they were noseless horrors.
At that moment, he saw Peter Pettigrew scurrying along in rat form. He had a balloon tied to his tail and Bellatrix's hideous laughter could be heard coming from nearby; she was playing tricks with Peter again – it was her new hobby. Voldemort had a minor combustion in his brain – why had he never thought of this before!? If a rat-like, one-handed bum could transform into an animal, then so could the powerful Dark Lord! He hurried upstairs, taking Nagini with him and wearing her like a feather boa. He sat on the floor of his bedroom as she circled around him and beheld him like he was slightly retarded. Voldemort concentrated hard and eventually lapsed into a coma for two weeks…
…Then, the pain awoke him. He had heard that the first time was always painful, as the body got used to taking on the form of an animal. He shrieked, shat himself violently and oscillated around the room as he took on his new animagus form. The oscillating shook Draco's room apart and the roof blew off the building revealing the stars above. Nagini tried to avoid Voldemort's poop stream but unfortunately was bathed in putrid colon juice as she tried to squeeze her girth under the bed.
Three hours of violent crapping and vibrating later, Voldemort reared his head from where he had fallen into a pile of dirty laundry. His new snake body was difficult to control, but he practiced and flailed around for a few minutes until he mastered the art of snakery. As he turned to face Nagini, he felt his lust rushing to some unknown depths below and then…both boners popped out.
"I love you, Nagini…" He said in parseltongue, and the female snake winked at him sexily and replied,
"I love you too, Voldy." The voice translated badly in his head, and for a moment Voldemort thought that Nagini sounded unnervingly like Snape and thus his boners waned. However, when she launched herself at him, he forgot all about her peanut-butter-throat voice and they entwined themselves around each other like a penis around a rolling pin.
Voldemort was so horny that he accidentally plunged both penii into her at once and she bit him affectionately in the face. "Urrggghhuhuhuhuhuhuh" he honked as he continued his absurd copulation – shaking the room with the passion of it all. Nagini was panting in a snakey manner and writhing pleasurably, and Voldemort could fell something primal raging inside him. He honked again, this time louder, and began yodelling in pleasure.
Somewhere below, Draco buried his head in a bag of flour to drown out the hideous coitus noises coming from his old room. He seriously wished that the Dark Lord would stop boning people in his bed. He went to go and find Snape to get him to stop the ruckus, given that his father did not have the guts to stop the Dark Lord from copulating and destroying the house. Upon entering the cellar – where Snape was living because he liked to avoid the light like a vampire – Draco was confused to see that the potion master was not there. Downhearted, Draco Malfoy walked into Lucius's magical bonsai garden and began digging his own grave, thinking that at least he could bury himself if living in this perpetual Hell became too much for him.
Back in the room of herpetological lovemaking, Voldemort was on the very cusp of orgasm. He hissed loudly and bit into Nagini's sweet flesh as his serpentine climax ripped through him like a sperm-tornado. It was too much for him, as her slithery vaginal muscles clamped down upon his penii and he began to inadvertently crap himself and shed his skin at the same time. Whilst still inside her.
When eventually her titanium muscles released him, he spontaneously climaxed again and accidentally apparated himself into the tool shed in the garden. Severus Snape was here covertly having a nap and dreaming about frolicking in the swamp with Lily Evans – her beautiful tanned skin gleamed healthily in the sun, and his own greasy locks glistened like a well-oiled wang.
Voldemort, mistakenly believing that was back in his human form, slithered up Snape's sleeping form and flicked his forked tongue against Severus's eyelid. The startled Snape into wakefulness and he uttered a small, "Urgh" at the sight of a large snake upon his chest. At this moment, Voldemort suddenly reverted to his naked, noseless, red-eyed human form – having unintentionally shredded his robes whilst mating with Nagini on top of them.
"HELLO SEVERUS!" Shouted the Dark Lord in a very loud voice – his lips mere millimetres from Snape's own.
"BRRRRRRRRRRRRR", Snape yelled, his voice sounding like he had jello stuck to the back of his throat. He jerked upright and smacked his head on the tool-bench above him, sending a cascade of hammers and spiders plunging into his crotch. "AAAAAARRRRGH", he shrieked and fled from the shed in a flurry of broken dreams and pain-induced diarrhea. He also got a pain-boner and so running was exceptionally difficult.
Voldemort took up the place where Snape had been lying and sighed contentedly. He allowed a few moments for contemplation, enjoying the fresh memories of his snakey union with his lifelong companion – Nagini. He honked in completion as he settled down to nap nakedly amongst the tools. The door creaked open….
"If you were in the mood, you should'a just told me, milord…" Came a thick London accent and a huge wig appeared in the moonlight shrouded doorway. The Dark Lord's eyes grew wide in anguish as he beheld a naked Bellatrix Lestrange – scales drawn all over her in crayon – stood in the doorway. He honked in horror and apparated away from England in a hurry. Snape ran for hours before the pain-boner abated.