I decided I needed a small break from writing The Nanny and this small gem was born. Not to mention, we needed to cut Ralph some slack. The poor guy's gut is probably burning from all the exercise the Warners put him through. And to add to the salt, Ophelia scares him. So here it is-
I do not own any Animaniacs characters except the other security guards of WB studio. If I had owned the characters, Tom and everyone else will come back to do the reboot. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter 1: Humiliation and a strange alliance
Since 1994, he had been the unfortunate fella to do the hardest job on the studio lot:
The Warner Control Unit was created by Plotz in order to have a bunch of security guards keep a sharp eye on the Warner siblings. They were specifically tasked with keeping the kids at bay or else lock them in the tower when the time came. However, just because it's a team, doesn't mean that everyone puts in the effort. Or stayed at all. Except one:
Ralph T. Guard.
For the past 24 years, Ralph was the only one who stayed determined to capture those three and place them in the water tower. But to no avail, failure was always at his doorstep. And when he opened that door, he was greeted with humiliation and the cheeky grins of three little children.
And today was no exception.
" GETS BACK HERE YOUSE THREE", Ralph exclaimed as he chased after the Warners.
Currently, they were running over the roofs of the different movie sets, jumping over every single gap they saw.
Ralph, despite all the fat in his gut, was managing to catch up to them. He felt that this might have finally been his day of victory. But despite that thought, he couldn't help but be cautious, especially when he noticed Dot glancing at him with her usual cheeky grin.
He picked up the pace, jumped and landed onto the next roof. He thought about how if he were a real human, he would've lost all this fat decades ago. The Warners always knew how to keep people on their toes.
He was just an arms-length away from grabbing Wakko, whose grin never faltered even as Ralph was a mere few inches away from him. That's what irked him about the kids: how they thought of everything as a silly game. And it wasn't helping Ralph when Mr. Bunny and Miss Alleycat actually praised the behaviour. This wasn't a game to him, it was his job, the only thing that's putting money in the bank and food on the table.
Almost a miracle, Ralph noticed the three began to slow down. Ralph thought they might've been getting tired, they have been doing for two hours straight and even toons like the Warners can get a bit strained if they had been running longer than they should.
It was his moment, the moment reality was finally starting to kick in. He could hear their breathing becoming heavier. This was his chance! He would finally capture the Warners and prove he was a good security guard.
He closed his eyes and raised his net before bringing it down quite roughly than he thought. But then everything stopped... when he felt a slight weight in the net.
He opened his eyes and to his surprise, he saw the Warners, inside the net looking around confused and dazed until their eyes landed on Ralph. When their eyes landed on him, small smiles broke out on their faces.
" Well well, big guy, looks like ya finally got us", Yakko spoke up.
Ralph's face visibly brightened, ignoring the gut-wrenching feeling in his... well gut.
" Looks like you can finally lock us in the water tower. Just like you wanted to", Dot sighed.
" I did! I did it! I did it! I finally got youse crazy kids", Ralph cheered happily.
" Congratulations buddy. Who knew you could do it", Wakko said smiling goofily.
" But we still got one more question, big guy", Yakko said cheekily.
Ralph looked confused, the feeling becoming stronger," Duh... what?".
" Are we in space?", Wakko asked innocently.
" No, why youse asking?", Ralph asked confused.
Dot merely smiled at his confusion," Look down big fella", she said pointing to the floor. And looked down he did.
It was the biggest mistake Ralph ever made.
Ralph's eyes widened as he realised he and the Warners were dangling several feet above the air. He hurriedly tried to grasp onto the net, that remained suspended in the air, but to no avail, Ralph fell down onto the asphalt with a loud thud, leaving a crater underneath him.
The Warners gracefully landed next to the crater, peering in to see how the guard was adjusting. To their amusement, stars floated around his head.
" Oh well, ya had us there for a few seconds, at least!", Yakko said.
" How about a round 2?", Wakko asked excitedly.
" Yakko! Wakko! Dot! Lunch!"
" Looks like round two's gonna have to wait a while longer brother sibling. It seems Ophelia's prepared lunch", Yakko said calmly, ignoring the sigh of relief that came out of Ralph.
" Hopefully she followed the box this time", Dot said grimacing as a memory of the last lunch entered her mind.
" COMING!", the trio exclaimed.
" Bye Ralphie, see ya later!", Yakko said before he and his siblings sped off in the direction of the tower.
Ralph sighed as he got up from the crater, dusting the dust off his pants as he walked to the security break room in disappointment.
As he entered, he saw his co-workers, toons and humans alike, all sitting around, laughing as they talked a out their lives. Ralph grumbled as he took out as he reached for the nearest doughnut.
" Woah there, Ralphie! You wouldn't want to build up more fat now do you?", one of the human guards asked snarkily.
" Yeah. 'Cause those Warner kids are surely 'fast'", the other guard, a cheetah, said teasingly, causing the guards around them to burst out in laughter.
Ralph grumbled as he munched silently on his doughnut before a large muscular arm hung around his shoulders. Ralph glared at the owner of the arm.
Klaus Waverly was one of the top guards in the force, even chaperoning toons like Mr. Bunny himself. He was braggy, claiming that he would've caught the siblings a long time ago had he given the chance. But because of his status, he claims that chasing the Warners would basically be 'babysitting toddlers', that statement irked Ralph more: what would this man know anything about those three. Given, Ralph doesn't know the three well either, but he knows how difficult they are to handle. Which is why Miss Alleycat's presence is comforting and uncomfortable at the same time.
" C'mon, you know we're just teasing. Isn't that what the kids do like... all the time!", Klaus said.
" I guess", Ralph murmured
" I kind of pity that toonette that has to look after them", the cheetah guard said," She has to be with them 24/7 and clean up their messes".
" Hey, that sounds exactly like what Ralph does!", Klaus replied.
Everyone except Ralph roared in laughter. The latter was now red in the face with embarrassment and anger.
" I can catch them!", Ralph exclaimed in Klaus' face, causing everyone to go silent," And be a better security guard than you!".
A series of 'oohs' travelled around the room. Klaus lifted his hand and the room went silent. He chuckled darkly.
" Listen, Ralph buddy, I don't know where this sudden boost of confidence is coming from... but you have to realise that you'll NEVER be the best. I'm the best. Bugs Bunny said so himself. You'll always be the Warners' babysitter and that's all you're ever gonna be", Klaus said darkly," It seems your little break has ended. Go chase those little toddlers around. And while you're at it, try and get that nanny over theirs over here, I'll pay her better for something in return, if your little peabrain can get what I'm saying".
Ralph whimpered as he left the room, the guards' laughter taunting him as he made his way back to his booth. Unbeknownst to him and the other guards, a certain young Warner had seen and heard everything that went on...
... And she was not happy.
Ralph sat in his booth with a sour expression on his face. Not even bothering to greet oncoming stars or even bystanders like he usually did. This was the first sign of his out-of-character-ness no one was pleased by it.
" Hi Ralph!"
Ralph glanced towards his left to find the grinning faces of the Warner siblings looking straight at him.
" Say big buddy, up for another chase? Maybe you'll catch us this time", Yakko said.
" Go away", Ralph muttered before turning to his right to find all three of them on his right side now.
" Aww... what's the matter big fella? Someone bully you?", Wakko asked softly.
" Like maybe... I don't know... a certain pompous jerkface of a security guard that we're definitely gonna ask Da-Bugs to convince Plotz to fire later", Yakko said.
" Wait duh, how do youse kno-"
" It doesn't matter how we know. What matters is: what are we gonna do to him and his merry crew?", Dot said cutting him off.
" Why don't youse three just leave leave him and me alone?", Ralph said as he folded his arms.
" Because, number 1: No one calls us toddlers and gets away with it", Dot said.
" Number 2-", Wakko said before giggling at the unintended words before his sister jabbed his arm," Right- number 2: No one suggests anything about our nanny or to do something with our nanny without our consent. And what he suggested there is without a doubt wrong and I'm gonna mallet him for that. Besides, Ophelia has better things to do then spend time with stupidheads like them".
" Duh like what?", Ralph asked curiously.
" Like cuddling with us and reading us stories- I MEAN- playing pranks and being a live target", Wakko said chuckling nervously at his mess-up.
" And our number 1 reason is", Yakko said before continuing," No one messes with an Animaniac and expect another Animaniac to just sit around and look cute while all that was happening. We're coworkers and family, Ralph. Please understand that all that teasing that we do is because we like you".
Ralph was stunned by their reasons and the seriousness that donned their faces. They were legitimately serious about helping him out. Even after all those years of chasing them and placing them in a crate despite knowing of the fear of the dark, they still liked him and even regarded him as family... he felt touched.
" But what are wes gonna do about Klaus?", Ralph asked
" Leave the knucklehead to us! We already have a plan: Wakko, blueprint", Yakko said, snapping his fingers before his brother placed the plan in his hand. He laid it out across the guard's gut.
" Step 1: Cheer Ralph up with a box of doughnuts. Dot, box me", Yakko said.
A bell rang like the ones that were used in a wrestling match. Dot had boxing gloves over his hands as she jumped around energetically in anticipation to fight her opponent.
" C'mon c'mon, I ain't afraid of some fast-talker. Fight me like a man, Yakko Warner, fight me!", Dot said as she threw in some air punches.
" The other box, Dot", Yakko said smiling at the gag.
" Yakko, you know I can't beat box or rap. That's Wakko's territory", Dot said pointing out Wakko who was currently beat boxing to prove her point," Eminem, eat ya heart out".
" The doughnut box, Dot", Yakko said.
" Right! Here ya go", Dot said as she handed Ralph a box of delicious doughnuts that he took with uncertainty," I promise you no explosives!".
Ralph looked at the doughnuts closely to make sure there was no dynamite, bombs or confetti disguised as sprinkles again but found it was just normal, messy decorated doughnuts.
" Duh, thanks", Ralph said as he took a bite," This tastes pretty goods".
" We'll tell Ophelia that you liked them", Yakko said.
" So what do I have to do?", Ralph asked curiously.
" You, play a very important role in making sure this plan gets put into motion", Yakko said," Good thing you're an actor, 'cause what this needs is a very convincing act".
" Okay", Ralph replied.
" Now here's the plan", Yakko said as he leaned into Ralph's ear to explain to him the details.
Dot turned to look at the readers," Now now, don't be intrusive. You're just going to have to wait until next chapter to see the plan".
End of Chapter 1
If any of you are curious, this takes place somewhere between chapters 10-13.