This was inspired by the song Nightmare by Nikita Karmen.
Alec and magnus were kissing—more than that, they were giggling and smiling, playfully tugging the clothes off of one another, taking their time, enjoying the slow rhythm of undressing one another for the first time, of taking it all in. Their touches were intense, but so fucking gentle at the same time. And Magnus thought that there was nothing more beautiful than his Alexander laid out under him like that, truly. He was still half clothed, but his touches were fire, and his hands were all over Magnus and his body, and Magnus thought that he could kiss him like this for days.
Everything about this moment, and about Alec himself, made Magnus want to absolutely lose himself in every caress and kiss—and God, did he ever. Alec made it far too easy to lose control, to let his magic do as it would—and really, he should have known it was going to happen from the moment Alec had started kissing him so passionately when he first came in, but he was nothing if not a fool, he supposed. Even with all his centuries, he was quite the arrogant fool all too often.
He felt his glamour slip the moment before it actually did; the moment Alec's hand started to trail up his back to slip his shirt off of him, he knew it was going to happen, but he couldn't seem to stop himself from kissing Alec like that until the exact moment that he felt his glamour drop. As soon as it did, he was off Alec, quick as lightning, unthinking about it. It was more an instinct than anything else at this point, to protect himself from the reactions people might have to seeing his mark, to seeing the real him.
It didn't matter what he thought Alec's reaction might be, that he knew in his heart that Alec could never hate him for what he was, for who he was. It didn't matter—none of it mattered, because his history told him that when his real self came out, he needed to protect himself, because people were awful, and they hated him for it. Hiding it from them was the only real way to be sure they didn't use him, didn't abuse him, didn't hate him or leave him. It was all just to protect himself after so long of suffering because of who he was, because of what he was.
But God, Alexander was just so… Alexander, and his immediate response was to ask if he had done something wrong—him! Do something wrong! If Magnus wasn't so panicked in that moment, his heart itself would have melted at his reaction, at the worry in his tone, and he would have wondered to himself how he had gotten so incredibly lucky.
And maybe that was why Magnus turned around and showed him his eyes, maybe that was why he trusted Alexander with this huge part of him that he had shown so many others who had looked at him with disgust from that moment forward. Maybe that was why he thought that Alec was different. God, he had just wanted Alec to be different, but…
The second he saw Magnus' real eyes, the second he knew just why Magnus had broken the kiss off, had shattered the moment, his own eyes had widened, and he sat back on the bed, seeming to be shocked into stillness, shocked into place on the bed, unmoving for far too long of a moment.
"Oh," Alec said finally, and Magnus swallowed, willed himself not to cry as he realized that he had made a mistake.
He had been through this enough, after all, had enough experience with shutting people out, with them finding the ugliest parts of himself as hideous as they truly were. He had enough experience dealing with this, had enough memories tucked away with lovers reacting in the exact same way; if Alexander were to react in the same way as well, he would not be ruined by it, would not be shaken. He couldn't be. God, he simply could not allow himself to be moved in any sort of way by it.
He put the glamour back up as soon as he could, and he hoped that Alec would reach for him, that he would assure him that it was fine, that it was part of him and it didn't change anything, that Alec still wanted this, still wanted him. He wanted, more than anything, for Alec to reassure him in a way that he didn't allow himself to want to be reassured most of the time.
But Alec slid off the bed instead then, and left Magnus sitting there, blinking after him, wordless as he watched Alec go about the room gathering up his clothes and getting redressed.
"I just... remembered I have a meeting. At the Institute. So I'll, uhm… I'll call you. Later," Alec said over his shoulder before hurrying out of the room, leaving Magnus cold and empty on the bed, staring at the door for some moments afterwards.
He couldn't process it; he absolutely could not think about it or acknowledge that any of that had just happened. Because the second he did, he knew the cold, creeping feeling in his chest would take over his entire being. It would spread through every limb, every nerve, every blood vessel, and it would claw at him from the inside out, would drag every insecurity and negative thought up from where he had hidden them deep within.
How could opening up to his Alexander have been such a colossal mistake? He had thought he was different, had thought what they had was real, and that Alec would accept every thing about him. He had thought that Alec had loved him, that he had loved Alec, that they were meant to be—soul mates and all that other evidently idiotic bullshit that mundanes liked to drone on about.
Camille was right though, he supposed: true love didn't exist, and if it did it was not meant for immortals.
He wouldn't cry over Alexander, though—he absolutely would shed no tears for some… some shadowhunter who had clouded his judgement and got him to oh so very foolishly lower his guard and let him into his life, into his heart. If he could just… leave like that, in the middle of what they were doing—which had been his idea to begin with—because of one of the most important parts of Magnus, he didn't deserve to be cried over.
And yet, that awful cold feeling in his heart was already starting to claw its way out, was starting to spread through his entire being and make tears streak down his face.
God, how could he have been so utterly foolish? Of course a Nephilim of all people would be no more accepting of his warlock mark than any one else he had met in his life would be. How could he have allowed himself to think that Alec would be different? How could he have expected a shadowhunter to go against his very nature?
And how could he be allowing the obvious outcome to be breaking his heart as badly as it was?
He was so, so foolish, indeed.
Magnus' eyes popped open suddenly, his breathing still heavy, anxiety pumping through his veins with that cold, cold feeling that had taken over his entire being. As the remnants of his dream came back to him with too much clarity, he closed his eyes again, aware now that it was just that: a dream. It was all just a dream, he told himself; his Alexander would never react like that—he had not reacted like that. He had been nothing but sweet, and loving, and gentle, and reassuring that every part of Magnus was beautiful, and they had spent the rest of the evening together in blissful love-making, Alec reassuring Magnus every chance that he could that he thought Magnus and his eyes were so beautiful beautiful beautiful.
Alec would never walk out on him like that. Absolutely never.
Senses coming back about him, Magnus focused on the even breathing beside him, on the warm body that was no longer tucked against him, and in the second after he thought he should pull Alexander closer again before he woke up, Alec was already turning over on the bed to face him.
"Magnus?" Alec murmured, half asleep but still worried in that adorable way of his.
The corners of Magnus' lips tugged themselves upwards; he should have known Alec would have woken up if he went too long without feeling Magnus' body against his. Despite the fact that Magnus had assured Alec many times over that if anything were to attack in the middle of the night he was more than capable of taking care of himself, Alec still woke up if he felt anything was even slightly off. If Magnus had a nightmare or had to take a late night emergency call, or just had to go to the bathroom or couldn't sleep, Alec always woke up when Magnus was no longer tucked against him.
It was sweet, really, and Magnus was thankful for it more often than not, though always worried that it was taking away from Alec's much needed beauty sleep.
"Baby," Alec began, reaching a hand up to stroke Magnus' cheek and oh—he hadn't noticed that he was actually crying, that that hadn't just been part of his dream. "what happened?" he asked, worried and waking up slowly the more the situation seemed to dawn over him.
Magnus could see his instincts coming awake to try to work out whether there was an imminent threat or not, to try to work out whether Magnus was hurt, if they were in danger. He was more awake than he was aware just then, and Magnus was selfishly oh so very grateful for it, in some small way that made him feel guilty at the same time.
"It's nothing," Magnus mumbled, turned to press a kiss to Alec's palm. "Just a dream, I promise."
"A nightmare, you mean," Alec corrected sternly. "Anything that makes you cry is a nightmare."
Magnus nodded, still smiling softly.
"Right, of course. It was just a nightmare, love, nothing to worry about, I promise."
Alec gave him a skeptical look, and Magnus thought if Alec could just go back to being half asleep and accepting of everything that Magnus had to say, that would be oh so very great indeed.
"What was it about?" he asked gently, scooting closer on the bed to Magnus so he could once again feel his body heat.
"I…" Magnus swallowed, closed his eyes against the memory of it again.
It was just a nightmare, he reminded himself as Alec moved his forehead against his own, pressed their bodies close together in whatever sort of hug that he could manage laying down like this. It was just a nightmare, Alec hadn't left him, would never leave him.
But the cold feeling was still in his chest, and his hands were shaking as they reached for Alec's in the darkness of their room, seeking comfort and stability, seeking that reminder that Alec was there and that this was reality, not whatever that god awful dream—nightmare—had been.
"It was… our first time—do you remember that?" Magnus asked softly, finally, cracking open his eyes as he did.
Alec got a dreamy sort of look about him as he recalled the memory, smile taking over his face that he couldn't help but return.
That—that was how Magnus wanted to look whenever he thought about their first time making love, but he feared now that instead every time he thought of it it would be forever tainted by the nightmare he had just had, and he didn't know how he was going to be able to live with himself if that was the case.
"Of course I do," Alec sighed, still grinning goofily. "I was so fucking excited and nervous, and I was so worried that I wouldn't be good enough, that I would be boring or bad or whatever because it was my first time and you were so experienced, but… I wanted you, I wanted to show you how much I cared about you, wanted to feel how much you cared about me, so I figured it would be okay, one way or another. And then when your cat eyes came out…" he shook his head, gave Magnus' hands a squeeze. "you were so gorgeous, I thought I was the luckiest man on earth. Like… I made you lose control like that, I got to see your real eyes. And I thought that I would never be so lucky again, but then you let me see them the entire rest of the night and… I've never been so happy, because you got to be your true self, and you seemed… lighter, once you realized I wasn't going to run away from them, from you, and there is nothing that makes me happier than you being happy, Magnus," he assured him, so stubborn and sure in his words as he did, always saying the exact right thing whenever Magnus needed to hear it.
And of course, he didn't know just how much Magnus needed to hear those words just then, didn't know how badly he needed to be reassured that Alec would never do what he had done in his nightmare—it was ridiculous, to be shaken so badly by a silly nightmare, but… God, wasn't that just the way of things?—but by the Angel, Magnus was lucky enough to have someone as amazing as Alec around to say it anyway.
"Which part went wrong?" Alec asked then, suddenly somber as if remembering just why the memory had been brought up.
Magnus licked his lips in thought for a moment, considering whether or not he really wanted to burst Alec's bubble, taint the memory for him as well. Of course, now that Alec knew that something about it had been twisted in such a horrible way, he was no more likely to let it go than Magnus would have been, were the situation reversed. That was what he got for having such a caring boyfriend, he supposed.
Not that he could be too terribly upset about that most of the time, anyway.
"My eyes," Magnus began then, voice low. "When you saw them, you… left," he said, closing his eyes again.
Alec made a noise that Magnus knew meant he was displeased with this new information, before he surged forward to press his lips to Magnus' comfortingly, reassuringly.
"Hey, you know that I would never—"
"I know," Magnus interrupted, nestling his face in Alec's neck to properly breathe him in. "I know, love, I just…"
"I know," Alec said, loosening one of his hands from Magnus' to wrap around him instead, to press him closer to his body with the comfort that Alec knew that Magnus needed in that moment. "Nightmares never make any sense, but… I'm not going anywhere—not that you needed to be reminded of that. I love you, and I love your eyes—you are so beautiful, Magnus Bane, cat eyes and all, alright? They are a part of you, and I love them; I would absolutely never leave you because of them, because of you showing me your true self. I'm nothing short of honored every single time you show them to me. One would have to be a fool to turn their nose up at such a privilege," he insisted, rubbing circles into Magnus' back soothingly.
And his voice was so… sure, so comforting and full of love that Magnus almost started crying again—though for an entirely different reason this time.
Alexander was such a loving, thoughtful, silly Nephilim, and Magnus loved him more than he had ever thought he would. Opening up to a shadowhunter was one of the best decisions Magnus had ever made in his life.
Magnus pulled back ever so slightly from Alec's embrace, and opened his eyes, glamour down for a moment. Though his nerves were still on end from the second his glamour dropped, and he steeled himself against the horrible reaction part of him was still certain was coming, he knew, if he wanted to get any sort of sleep the rest of the night, he needed to do as much, needed to look into Alec's eyes with his real ones and accept whatever reaction there would be. Even though he couldn't have truly expected anything other than a positive one.
(God help him and his conflicting emotions; he really didn't need this shit at such an hour.)
Alec took in a sharp breath when he looked into Magnus' eyes, and the knee jerk reaction had Magnus flinching to himself before Alec's hands were framing his face gently, his gaze so soft and so full of adoration. It was like their first time all over again, Alec looking into his eyes so carefully, like he had hung the moon and stars themselves, like he could absolutely do no wrong whatsoever.
"So gorgeous, so breath-takingly beautiful," Alec breathed after a moment, still staring into his eyes with an awe-struck smile on his face. "I love your eyes so much, Magnus; you have no idea."
Magnus smiled at him, that too reminiscent of their first time, and leaned into Alec to kiss him, sure that he would be lulled into a much more pleasant sort of dream with Alec being so wonderful to him like this.