2I have decided to turn this into a series of one shots following Kurogane and Fai at various points in there journey.
I do not own Tsubasa
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Fai was doing his best to ignore the way Kurogane was staring at him. What had he gotten himself into this time… He was do damn old to be pulling stunts like this.
The blonde would make the promise that he was never going to drink again to avoid getting back into that sort of situation—but he knew he was a bald face liar. Booz was one of the few things keeping him sane on this crazy world hopping marathon.
It wasn't as though the other night had been terrible—the opposite in fact. It had been just what he needed. He hadn't woken up so refreshed since before he left Celese—and Kurogane had been absolutely adorable.
Was he supposed to get attached?
No.
The fact that he had used magic at all yesterday proved that he had—he was to attached to his traveling companions… If Ashura had woken up? Just the thought caused bile to rise in his throat.
He could tell himself until he was blue in the face that he had done it because he was trying and failing to be a double agent—but again. Fai knew 90% of everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. Even to himself.
Normally—he would pretend something like this had never happened—and was fully content on playing that card until the ninja gave up. Only—Kurogane was relentless. Not in a lovey dovey grabby way his other suitors had been—He was just there—and was looking out for Fai for the first time since they had started traveling together.
Really looking out for him.
Fai would never in a hundred million years admit that he found value in his relationship with Kurogane. It didn't matter if teasing the ninja made him mildly happy—or if sleeping in the same bed as the man had actually allowed him to sleep without nightmares for the first time in over a year.
He was a gluten for self-punishment though wasn't he…
Fai sighed loudly and threw himself down onto his bed. He closed his eyes so he would not see the cute way Kurogane's eye brow rose whenever he was dramatic.
"Whats the matter with you?" The blonde felt the other side of his bed dip down from the ninja's weight. A week ago Kurogane would have rather taken a katana to the crotch then sit next to Fai on his bed while he brooded.
The worst part? Fai could crawl into his lap and get all the comfort he wanted—and with the way that Kurogane had been staring at him when he thought he wasn't looking—he could get away with it too.
As soon as he started to depend on Kurogane it was game over. He had known that from the start. No matter how annoyed with himself he currently was—he didn't want the ninja to know. Time to smile and pretend everything was hunky dory and get Kurogane to leave him be.
"Just thinking." Fai sighed again and rolled over dramatically, covering his face with his pillow to further avoid the temptation of looking at the ninja's cute expression. There was nothing his Kuro-sama hated more than vague answers.
"Tch. Moron." Fai thought for sure that he would stand up and march out of the room muttering under his breath. When he didn't, the mage felt his stomach tingle with anticipation.
What. The. Heck.
He knew full well that there was not going to be anything between them. Not because Kurogane wasn't gorgeous. Not because he didn't find Fai to be equally appetizing. Not because they ninja liked to chase him around with a sword and threaten to murder him.
It's because there couldn't be. End of story. There was no chance of it—and if he allowed it to happen it was just going to hurt them both in the end.
They had both started this journey for very different reasons after all.
It didn't matter if he was 99.99% sure that what he was trying to do was absolutely impossible just as all of the hundreds of books he had read stated so. There was still that 0.01% chance that this was not all a giant waste of time and that dark sorcerer really wasn't lying, and he could actually hold his FUCKING TWIN in his arms again.
He was not throwing that away for anyone, or anything.
"The kids went to go talk to the town's people and see if they had heard anything about the feather." Kurogane stood and Fai wasn't aware he had been holding his breath until he opened his mouth to answer.
"You didn't want to go with them Kuro-fluff?" Fai listened to the muffled sound of the ninja's feet as he walked over to the closet and set down the bags containing their cloths on the carpeted floor and kicked the door shut.
"No. Figured they could use some time alone." Those same muffled footsteps made their way to the entrance of the room and Fai felt relief wash over him. He needed to get these irrational urges in check.
He really hated that he couldn't just take these stupid feelings and throw them out a window… You would think that after all the shit he had been though in his life that he would be a numb monster? Hadn't his heart been broken enough? Hadn't he lost enough people?
Why did he have to like this guy so much? It wasn't fair.
He knew that the ninja was temporary in his life. This journey was going to end no matter the outcome and Kurogane was going to go home… Back to his princess… That he loved. Any interest he had in Fai was most likely to amuse himself while they hopped from place to place.
The other night had been fun. But it was just that… So, these butterflies in his chest could go rot in hell because he was absolutely not going to indulge in this stupid fancy. Even if things were different—everyone close to Fai ended up dead anyways.
Kurogane didn't deserve that… There was no avoiding it—but he didn't deserve that.
"I'm going to go make lunch. You want anything?"
"No thank you Kuro-daddy. I think I am going to grab a nap if you don't mind." Fai chanced a peek at the ninja and caught his casual shrug as he left the bedroom, closing the door behind him.
Alone at last Fai sighed loudly again. He was mentally kicking himself for hooking up with Kurogane and deepening their bond… Kurogane shouldn't care if he ate—shouldn't even care enough to close the door on his way out of the room.
It was all wrong.
Fai knew that he needed to stop obsessing. It happened. Ok. Move on. It didn't matter what Kurogane thought.
The mage took a deep breath and remembered a breathing exercise he had been taught in one of his first lessons in magic. The exercise was to control your breathing and bring yourself into a calm enough state to focus on the control of your magic.
As an adult and top-level wizard—he could use his magic without a second thought—but this exercise did a hell of a job of helping him forget about what was bothering him. Think of nothing all but the natural energies that move through your body.
Your breath, the blood flowing through your veins, and finally the magic that hummed just under his skin—crying out to be used.
It worked like a charm—and soon enough he felt his heart rate slowing to a more comfortable pace and his breath no longer burned in his throat. It was nice to have a tool to get his over active mind under control.
This little exercise had saved him from more than one panic attack or fit of insomnia. If he was too worked up it didn't help much—but if he caught himself soon enough, he could shut down his mind before it again became his worst enemy.
As the blonde continued to focus on his breathing, he started to feel his muscles relax as he began to ease off into sleep.
Of course—when he was stressed out, he tended to have extra vivid nightmares… The kind where you didn't realize you were dreaming, and as hard as you try you could not wake yourself up.
The kind that shook you so bad you couldn't even manage a strangled scream…
He hadn't had one of those in a while…. Years in fact…
Usually he dreamt about things that had happened in his life—reliving his failures. Occasionally—when he was particularly stressed out—he dreamed about things that had never happened.
His greatest fears…
Things that if they happened in real life? He wouldn't be able to go on. The worst part? There was always shadows of truth to them. It wasn't unheard of for people with strong magic to catch glimpses of things yet to come.
Fai wasn't particularly gifted—he had never been a lucid dreamer—not like Ashura-ou had been. He never saw events of the future. Just fragments of images, glimpses of loved ones usually. Though the king had tried to teach him the art of dream walking he could never calm himself enough to truly analyze what it was he was seeing.
As a young adult he used to dream about Ashura-ou with hundreds of bodies at his feet while he sat in his thrown. Low and behold Ashura had murdered many of the people of Celese due to a magic induced madness—just as his grandfather had done in Valerie.
Before that? As a child he used to dream of his mother standing over his bed with glazed, dead eyes, and a broken neck. She had hung herself just before he and his twin had been imprisoned.
In that god forsaken pit, he had dreamed of Fai with his head caved in on one side—dragging himself along with broken arms—leaving behind a trail of blood…
So far, he hadn't had any dreams of his traveling companions. Until now.
This dream? He himself had driven a knife though sweet Sakura's chest… he had turned around to see Kurogane unconscious on the ground… missing an arm… bleeding out… Syoran had been nowhere in sight and mokona was looking at him like he was the scum of the earth.
Scarily enough—he could deal with the gore and the knowledge he had caused it—if it had been him. But it wasn't the man he was today—in his dream he was less than human. His skin had felt uncomfortably hot and he had felt closer to the monster he had been accused of being—then a human.
He couldn't feel his magic—he felt as though he was on the border of death itself, but had no hope of crossing that threshold. He had been more comfortable in his skin when he had been a starving prisoner in Valerie surrounded by rotting, frozen corpses. He would rather die then live his life as a monster like that.
He had scrunched his eyes closed and curled into a ball and screamed. And Screamed. And screamed. Until his throat was raw—until he couldn't scream any longer. His nails dug into the skin of his arms—and he couldn't feel—couldn't smell anything but the smell of Kurogane's blood.
He wasn't sure when exactly he crossed back into wakefulness. His limbs felt heavy and he couldn't bring himself to move from the protective ball he had created. Eventually the images of Sakura's lifeless corps faded—eventually he no longer smelt the overwhelming scent of the ninja's blood—but his body wouldn't stop shaking.
It was such a shame if that was really their fate… such a shame…
Fai didn't move from his place until he heard the kids returned home. He didn't want them to have any reason to worry about him. While Kurogane understood that Fai needed a good sulk once in a while—his absence would worry the children if he was 'slept' to long.
Easing himself on to shacking legs—Fai looked in the small mirror that hung on the wall and pulled a bright smile on his face before heading out to greet everyone. If there was one thing he was good at—it was pretending that he is ok.
Handy tricks you picked up playing in the Celesean court.
The blonde strutted out into the living room and flashed the kids with a beaming smile and Fai did what he did best. He filled the silence with mindless chatter—asking questions of what the kids had found out and what the town's people were really like. He kept himself busy by cleaning up the kitchen and cooking an overly elaborate dinner.
He avoided meeting Kurogane's glowers because he was not going to tease him. Fai didn't have time for a lover—no matter how bad his body craved touch.
The sun set, and Fai continued to chatter happily through dinner all the way until the kids both retired to their room to sleep—taking mokona with them. Fai was left alone with Kurogane—and used his last excuse to put distance between them before they went to bed, and they were in the same room the rest of the night.
The hot water in the shower only lasted so long—but if there was one thing Fai wasn't afraid of—it was the cold. So once the steaming hot water turned to a freshly pumped fringed temperature—he did not move from the spray.
If anything, it helped to calm him down even more—wash away the remints of the nightmare. The way his body shivered, and his fingers tingled from slow circulation reminded him he was human—no matter what he had dreamed.
He was alive, and he could feel.
Fai wasn't sure how much time had passed but eventually he turned the water off and grabbed a towel from the rack and quickly ruffles it though his hair to catch most of the loose water before dressing again. The blonde has never been one for prayer—too many unanswered pleas—but he hoped whatever grate being there may be might just take pity on him—so that when he opened this door the hallway would be dark and Kurogane would have already gone to bed.
As per usual—the opposite was true. The ninja was sitting in their bedroom—the tight still on—reading one of his books.
Perfect.
Fai took three deep breaths before pulling on a bright smile and practically skipping into their bedroom and tossing himself on his cot. Kurogane looked up from his book and scowled at him as he made a show of making a little nest for himself in the many blankets he had collected though each and every world.
"Is there even any room for yourself?"
Fai paused in his rearrangement of the many heavy fabrics and grinned in an attempt to annoy the ninja. "If you hate them so much why did you get them all out for me?"
"Tch. Idiot—I don't give a damn how you sleep as long as you shut the hell up. Anyways the pillows were under all of that crap." Kurogane looked back down at his book and Fai giggled. Of course, they were…
Fai always packed the pillows last.
As soon as he was comfortable—Fai curled on his side facing away from the ninja and closed his eyes. He tried to appear asleep—the younger man wouldn't wake him if he knew Fai was resting—but Kurogane had a knack for telling when he was faking.
Minutes ticked by before Kurogane moved from his place on his own cot. For someone so large—Kuro-wan was quite when he moved. Fai didn't know he had gotten up until he felt a hot hand on the back of his neck.
"Your skin feels like ice."
Fai's whole body shivered. Not because he was cold—but because the ninja's hands were so warm." The almost violent shudder didn't go unnoticed and Kurogane snorted.
"You're not normal you know that? What did you do? take an Ice bath?" Fai forced his body to still with a deep breath and turned to look at the ninja. Why was he still touching him? Being nice to him?
The blonde was trying to come up with an answer—the chilled water was comforting. Nothing felt better then crawling under the covers when you were freezing and drifting off to sleep.
"You were cold like this the other night too—you're going to get sick if you keep staying in the shower after the water goes cold moron."
"No, I won't Kuro-worry. I'm used to colder water then that." It was true—though Fai wasn't sure why he had felt the need to share that piece of information. He didn't like talking about home… it broke his heart to know the state of Celese at the moment.
"Your whole world is weird then." Fai shifted to the side and Kurogane sat on the side of his bed repeating their position from earlier. The hot hand was removed from his icy skin and Fai had to consciously stop himself from trying to lean into the receding touch.
"I guess you're right." Fai laughed and Kurogane stared at him with the same look he had been receiving for days.
And this—Fai reminded himself—was why you never ever every slept with your roommate! Especially not your extremely attractive roommate that you may one day be forced to kill.
"What's it like there?" Kurogane was watching him for any hole in his usual mask. It was partially infuriating—Fai never pried in to anyone else's life like this. Knowing Kurogane though he would answer any questions the mage asked without a second thought—he had nothing to hide after all.
"Cold." The mage closed his eyes—he couldn't keep a straight face with the way Kurogane was staring at him. He didn't want to get attached to the raven haired man—and he didn't want him getting attached ether…
He was having a hard time ignoring the part of him that wanted the Kuro-tan to just lay down next to him and continue to chat.
"I already knew that." Fai could practically here Kurogane roll his eyes with annoyance and he smirked. He really shouldn't continue to engage like this—just push him away Fai—you can do it.
"Like really really cold. Snow, ice, the whole nine yards." Fai felt the ninja's weight shift before he felt a sharp pain in the center of his forehead. "Ow Kuro! Don't flick me like that I'll get an ugly bruise!"
Blue eyes met ruby reds and if Fai hadn't been used to receiving such glares from Kurogane—surely, he would have feared for his safety.
"If you don't want to talk about it then just tell me to mind my own business dammit. Quit talking about nonsense!" Kurogane was about to stand—Fai was going to get what he wanted—he had succeeded in pissing the man off.
Kurogane would grumble and leave him alone and they would go to bed as though nothing had happened. They would go back to there usual teasing and death threats—and Kurogane wouldn't touch him anymore.
At least—that's would have happened if the mage's hand hadn't moved without him even thinking about it to grip the ninja's arm.
Fuckkkkk.
"What."
"I don't know what else to say… Other than being a country full of magic users and really cold there was nothing outstanding about Celese." Fai really wished he could slap himself.
Why was he doing this?
"Everyone there could use magic then?" Fai nodded and Kurogane hmm'ed in response. Reluctantly, the blonde pulled his hand back and cradled it against his chest.
Before he had a chance to process what was happening, Kurogane had stood and hit the light switch before crossing the short distance back to the mages bed.
"Move over idiot."
"Whaa? Kuro-snuggle wha—" Fai didn't so much mind being roughly pushed to the edge of his cot—he would be lying if he said he didn't like it when Kurogane was rough with him—but who was keeping track?
"Shut up."
"But—"
"I said shut it ok?" Kurogane—with a bit of hassle—managed to pile most of the blankets on top of Fai and make enough room for himself to fit on mattress. He tucked one arm under his head and snaked the other under all of the blankets to drape of the mages thin frame.
"Why are you—"
"Cuse I want to. shut the fuck up and go to sleep mage." Fai blinked a few times but eventually relaxed.
This was not how the night was supposed to go…