Welcome to Day 1 of the first ever fanfic Advent Calendar! Let the festivities begin! And what better way to start than with the first major Hollywood flop of the Season!

The Following Trailer Is Rated NM For No Mercy!

From the fucking asshole pricks that canceled Daredevil on us out of absolutely nowhere, comes the latest insulting remake from the Disney vomit factory, that grabs your wallet with one hand, while flipping you the bird with the other… I swear to God Disney! If you don't bring Daredevil back I'm going to… oh, sorry everyone, I got a little distracted...

The Nutcracker and the Four Realms!

Encouraged by the obscenely undeserving success of the Beauty and the Beast remake, it was only a matter of time before Hollywood capitalized on the most famous musical in modern history, and in true Hollywood fashion, f**k it up, in a effort so halfassed you'll forget the name of the movie halfway through.

When Renesmee Cullen, I mean Clara, suffers a case of Disney Protagonist Syndrome and loses her mother, she is left a mysterious box. So she visits Morgan Freeman for help, and is sent on an epic journey to a parallel dimension in order to promote girl power, in a dime store feminist ripoff of The Lion the Witch And The Wardrobe.

Enter into the Four Realms, a non-canon group of kingdoms ruled by a collection of weirdos, which are at war for no clearly defined reason.

See the timeless tale about selfless love and overcoming adversity, turned into a crapshoot about a tough girl and her black sidekick, as they seek to forge peace among four kingdoms you don't care about, and fight Helen Mirren, the least threatening Dark Lord ever.

Just kidding, the Sugar Plum Fairy is actually the bad guy. Let's see, how best to describe that particular twist… Up yours, Disney!

So brace yourself for the latest attack on Christmas, with a Nutcracker movie that has about as much in common with E.T.A Hoffman's beloved Nutcracker as Boondock Saints, that will make you want to hunt down whoever greenlit this travesty and crack his nuts.


Mackenzie Fop- Clara

Captain Black Sparrow- Drosselmeyer

Sugar Bitch Fairy- Sugar Plum Fairy

Nutless- Nutcracker

Flower Child- Hawthrone

Ice King- Shiver

Cheap Ginger- Mother Ginger

The Nutcracker And the Realm of Nobody Gives A Shit!

Tell me, do you see the Nutcracker? I sure as hell don't, all I see is the black guy from Ready Player One dressed as a bellhop.

Come back tomorrow for the next installment of the 2018 Advent Calendar!