Dealing with Thanagarians: Made Theoretically Easy and Updated Regularly!

By: Hal Jordan, Green Lantern

If a Thanagarian challenges you to a fight, always accept. Exceptions include: suffering from illness, poisoning, or grievous injury. Minor injuries will be sucked up.

NEVER try to pronounce a Thanagarian's Thanagarian name unless you yourself, are a Thanagarian. The mispronunciation of names is the Thanagarian equivalent of telling someone to go fuck themselves. And since humans lack the necessary vocal chords to pronounce a majority of the Thanagarian language, well, just don't try it. Ever.

DON'T GIVE THANAGARIANS PRESENTS! Seriously, most of their culture's gift giving centers around courting. Do not make my mistake and spontaneously give a Thanagarian a present 'Just Because'. You may find yourself accidentally engaged. Shayera still hasn't forgiven me for nearly becoming Carter's second wife. Though I still attest we could have made it work.

Thanagarians are the masters of Resting Bitch Face, both in and out of armor. You'll have to rely on body language to gauge moods. Pro Tip: Their wings are excellent indicators of mood swings. The hard part is actually deciphering what the various wing twitches mean… Have not figured that part out yet. It's a work in progress.

Unless you either overpower or outrank a Thanagarian, the only way you can get them to listen to you is through cold, hard, logic. Pathos will not be your friend. Note: There are exceptions, such as when dealing with personal matters.

NEVER play strategy games with a Thanagarian. They will win at all costs. Some of those costs will include physically attacking in order to gain the advantage. Once during a friendly game of chess with J'onn, Shayera upended the entire table and declared victory. Even when they're not destroying tables and cheating, they're still ridiculously formidable opponents. One of the interns at the Hall's museum introduced Carter to Sid Meier's Civilization IV. On his first game he won a brutal military victory and hasn't played since. Apparently he in turn introduced Skylar to the game, and she still regularly plays. She's made quite the name for herself as a ruthless warmonger.

Thanagarians don't take loyalty lightly.

NEVER utter the phrase 'Thanagar sounds kind of like a hellhole' or any version of said phrase.

If you want to be friends with a Thanagarian, stay determined. They're kind of like cacti. A prickly and hard to get past exterior with a gooey middle. The best way to befriend a Thanagarian is to earn their respect. Once you have that, you have a friend for life.

Outside of sparring and outright fighting, NEVER touch a Thanagarian's wings without express permission. If you startle them, you're liable to get a wing straight to the face. And those suckers hurt.

Speaking of wings, if you start finding stray feathers that match your Thanagarian's, it means that they're molting. It happens about every two years during the same time, so MARK YOUR CALENDARS. During these times, it pays to be extra nice to them or stay out of their way until it passes, because they get… way worse than usual. During one of Carter's molts, he developed a tendency to defenestrate at least one person in every fight he was in. And this included a short altercation in the Canadian Wilderness, far from civilization. He carried the baddie for forty five minutes all the way to the nearest small town and threw him through a bakery window.

NEVER use a Thanagarian's weapon without expression permission. Once Wonder Woman took Shayera's mace without asking and… well, it was a whole thing. Just don't do it.

Thanagarian biology is similar to humans, but there are a few glaring differences, most of which they keep secret, so don't bother asking. Basic First-Aid is identical, but anything more intensive you'll have to have another Thanagarian (or a magic user who can just poof even the most severe of boo-boos away) on call. Both Shayera and Carter are thoroughly trained in Thanagarian medical arts and they are in the process of getting Skylar to their level. Side Note: Because of their biology, the human version of CPR does not work. Just stand back and let another Thanagarian or another person trained by a Thanagarian (namely Superman, Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman, and myself) take over. Additionally, Thanagarian CPR is far more brutal, but trust me, it helps far more than it hurts.

Speaking of Thanagarian biology, they have the nifty ability to see in the dark. Why do I mention this, you ask? Because much like cats and birds of prey, they possess tapetum lucidum (commonly known as "eyeshine") and thus their eyes glow when they're actively using night vision. I warn you because it is truly a terrifying thing to behold, especially considering how rare it is to see them without something covering their eyes… it just means you'll experience the horror when you least expect it.

NEVER instigate a prank war with a Thanagarian. If you start it, they will end it. Flash learned this lesson the hard way. To this day, none of us have figured out how the Hawks managed to get his brand new car into the Hall of Justice swimming pool.

FOLLOW THE RULES. I shouldn't even have to say it, but certain people have been ignoring the list. For your safety, and the safety of those around you, I beg of you to please listen before it's too late.