Alan's Bizaare Adventure: A Boku No Hero Academia Fanfic
1: Boy's Night Out
This was the year that Alan was concieved, but both his parents died right after a meteor striked the earth destroying the whole city. But because he had supernatuarl powers he was sent foward in time to 2001 and then born from nothing. He was then raised by foster parents who found him crying on 9/11. They would never know of his supernatural powers and neither would he until later in highschool.
Alan is driving along the street, with Michael, Albert, and Rian in the back. He was drifting along to Noah's house in order to pick him up so that they could ditch prom and go see Deadpool 2. After arriving on his street Noah is about to enter his car with his date Sam (who he didn't know was aguy XDDDDDD) when Alan does a perfect 180 parrallel parking job right infront of the house.
"Woah!" Noah said. Sam screamed and almost fell over but Noah swooped in and caught him sexily with his rugged calloused fingers. "Thanks babe!" Sam said.
"Aight ladies… and gentlemen" Alan said. "Who's ready to head out and do something fun?" The trio in the back seat were silent. Rian lets out a quiet cough. Noah stands back, protecting his date. "Who the hell are you?"
"that shit doesnt matter. Get in the van!" yelled Alan.
Upon further inspection, noah realixed the vehicle was filled with his dear friends from the U.A. High School. "alright lets go Sam." Sam lets out a sigh. "Thank god, we're saved. Fuck prom, amirite ladies?"
"YEAH" screams the trio in the back.
"So whaddya waitin for, son?" says Alam.
The duo pile in with the rest of the gang. "But we're not done yet." Said Alan. "We've got the rest of the gang to pick up before we go to watch the critically acclaimed Deadpool 2, electric boogaloo."
"Whos left on the list then?" Noah says in his burly korean attitude. Alan scrolls through his phone, "Paul, Annikin, and Ben. That's pretty much it."
"Dude they live in the middle of nowhere", says Rian. "How are we gonna get to them in time for the show?"
"Heh, By driving like a pro, of course." Alan says. He flashes Rian a smile as he flips the compartment near the air conditioning, reading "MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE" in Comic Sans lettering. as he speeds up to 700 miles per hour while singing Deja Vu. The next target was less than four miles away.
*Anime opening plays*
"Where the hell did the kid go" says an unknown voice. "Somehow its like she was never pregnant at all but she's supposed to habe the child wtf" Whoever was trying to find Alan had no idea the extent of his power, and that somehow something managed to protect him by sending him forward to 2001. "This must be an illusion. I will find where the child is, so that I can steal his
quirk." The voice desired something; power to influence people and things just by being near them.
Annikin looks into the mirror, maybe for the last time. He's dressed to impress his senpai, Alan-kun. "My parents would kill me if they found out", he mumbles as he sorts his silk tie around his neck. He opens the door. "They're gonna be a bit late, so I'm gonna wait outside"
"HOLD UP", says his mother. "Something isn't right".
"Is there something wrong, dear" says Annikin's father.
"What do you think, Dan? His excuse is that he can't drive because of his hernia. A HERNIA, DAN?" The air is silent for a while.
"Aaaanyway, I'll be out on the porch." Annikin rushes to the curb, waiting anxiously. His parents are waiting until his date's arrival, but little to they know of their master plan. As expected, the van tumbles into the suburb at mach speed over several trash cans until it smoothly stops in front of Annikin's feet.
Alan rolls down the window. "Get in, you fuck". Annikin blushes violently and he piles into the back, where the rest of the squad awaits. "What took you so long", says Albert to Annikin.
"Kept you waiting, huh?" he replies.
Little to his knowledge, Annikin's mother, engulfed with rage and spite, screamed at the top of her lungs. Her personage slowly withers, revealing an estrangement of tentacles. She grows past the height of their home, destroying the property.
"IT'S FUCKING CTHULHU", screams Sam."FLOOR IT!
"Wow your mom must be really angry" Alan says. He nonchalantly flips the MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE compartment, and presses it, really coolly. The overdrive stalls.
"We're kinda in a pickle here!" screams Rian as he looks out the back of the car and sees the overdrive pipe is being blocked by Cthulu's tentacles.
"I know, give me a fucking second" Alan whips out his emergency meme hammer from under his seat, and smashes it harder than a like button. The overdrive burns Cthulhu to death, leaving a crispy corpse and Annikin's mom unconscious on top of it.
"Now THAT'S what I'm talking about." says Alan, flashing a smile.
"A-a-a-alan-senpai", Annikin says, blushing harder than ever before. "You're so cool"
"All in a day's work, champ" says Alan. "Now, onwards to Paul's."
「ABILITY」: Can shoot glass shards from his hands
2: Everyone is Here
"Holy hell what in god almighty's sacred holy name is happening" said the chief officer Joseph Stalin, sniper shotgun in hand. Sirens blazed everywhere as the twin towers crumbled to dust.
"How many people…" said officer Balsh-senpai as he looked down at a picture of a dollar with his face on it.
"Get moving goddammit, there could be survivors," said Officer Stalin.
"Ok, sir." Balsh says as he transforms into his alt account, Warry B. Benson and flies around to look for survivors. Suddenly there was a bright flash of light. It's a boy, no, a cherub! Falling from the second tower was an infant Alan being born out of thin air. Balsh-chan catches him, and then realizes he couldn't account for his projectile velocity since he's a bad physics teacher and ends up dropping him.
"I got him", said Stalin, as he engulfs the child with his mass, cushioning the impact. He cradles the child. "It's all ok now. I feel you sister. You're save now. I'll call you Alan"
And this, the start of Alan Stalin began.
The van tips over as Alan flies it off of Van Buren to get to Paul's house. They're greeted with a towering pile of a white substance upon arrival. Alan is confused "Is this…"
"Sugar?" says Sam.
"Flour?" Says Noah.
"Cocaine?" Says Rian.
"Loss?" Says Alan.
"Yeah, it's cocaine.", says a voice from the threshold of the abode.
"PAUL!" cries Alan. "Get in, you weeb"
"Alright." Paul says with a smirl as he tucks in his 8 mile long snake tail that he was railing coke off of before Alan arrived. (He's a monster xd)
This encounter was unlike the others. At this point, Alan was expecting some sort of explosion of mass destruction to go off, but unlike everyone in the Van, Paul had a supporting family that cherished him. Whether this was because they could feed on small segments of his cocaine-secreting tail every so often and thus never had to work or not was unknown.
"Ok so we're heading to prom right? I'm tripping balls rn and I wanna see if I can make everyone high by putting my tail next to an air vent."
Noah slaps Paul with his charming composure, which knocks the wind out of him. Paul crumples to the floor and ragdolls across the bed of the van, his tail stretching like a bad SFM. The rest of the crew laugh really cooly. "Oh Paul", they say, "You and your cocaine tail."
At that moment the van rises with a sudden bump. "Did we hit something?", said Alan
"I think so" Sam said.
"Probably a pothole or something" Said Noah
"Did someone say pot?" Paul arose.
"Shut up Paul" Rian said.
"No u" said Paul, retracting his tail into himself.
"No me" said Noah, caressing his toned quadriceps.
Rian looks from the window inside the van."Alan, hit the brakes!" He follows Rians orders. They step out of the van to notice a body in shambles in the street.
"HOLY SHIT ITS BON" cries Alan. They rush towards the decrepit being.
"How many times do i have to tell you its Ben you fucking baka. " said Ben, passing out on the spot. Our boys in blue attempt to lug him to the car, although his expensive dress was obscuring their vision. They placed him in the backseat as they all piled in.
"he looks like sleeping beauty" Alan said looking down on Bens mangled corpse.
"the fuck you calling sleeping beauty, you bbbaka" Ben said waking up from beyond the beyond.
"i-i-i was just saying that y-y-you in your … in your…"
"ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?"
"What? No! I was just saying that-"
"Because that really hurt my feelings" Ben begins to cry uncontrollably.
"Great, now youve made him emotional" Sam Said.
"Thats not my fault" Alan replied.
"Shut your fucking mouth you stupid baka"
Paul slides some snow under Ben's nose, who in turn falls asleep.
"Well, that was an ordeal", says Alan, flashing a smile really cooly.
"Are we watching deadpool or not?" asked Rian, sipping a bottle of sake.
"Yeah, we're almost there" said the driver.
A few miles ahead, an extravagant theater, decked with assortments of red and pink neon, stood as the pillar of local entertainment. The ticketbooth was swarmed with couples and families vying to buy infinity war tickets. "Thank god we're not seeing that movie." said Michael as the van arrived at the disgustingly packed parking lot.
「ABILITY」: Utilizes his eight-mile-long tail that secretes cocaine
3: Big Donut
"I'll drop you kids off here while I try to find a parking spot" said Alan. The group emptied near a small restaurant. "We have some time. Buy some drinks. It's gonna be awhile before our showing. See you around."
"Hold up", said Noah "I know a spot. I'll drive."
Witnessing the sea of vehicles on the horizon, Alan hopped into shotgun. Noah slid into the driver's seat, squeaking as his faux leather jeans collided with the rubber.
"See you guys later then," said Rian. The gang then piled into the restaurant as the duo rode off into the distance.
"How can you guarantee we'll get a spot where you think we'll get one?" Alan asked, really cooly.
Noah looked to Alan and asked him "Who in their right mind would park on the roof?" In Alan's confusion at his remark Noah quickly did a 180 and turned on the Maximum overdrive switch.
"Oh shit you aren't actually-" Alan couldn't finish before Noah slid off his belt and whipped it around a tree with style and grace. The force of the Maximum overdrive as well as Noahs husky obliques tore the tree partially out of the ground at a 60 degree angle. With his deft yaoi digits, Noah then did a Donut around the tree to realign the van.
"On my word lean really far to your right" Noah said begrudgingly.
"Aight." Alan replied finally understanding what was about to go down. Soon after Noah flipped the overdrive switch and yelled "LEAN" at the top of his lungs. Little did Alan know this was not the signal, but Noah just screaming the word lean really cooly. Because of Alans absurd and egregious lack of communication with Noah the van went at an angle prematurely, launching the Van football style into the side of the theater. They hadactually crashed into a showing of Infinity War right at the very end when [REDACTED] dies.
"God fuckin damn it." Alan said as everyone ran screaming out of the theater. "I've only seen it twice, now my third viewing has been spoiled!" The windshield was shattered; it's shards littering the inside of the van. Noah looked over to Alan to notice he drew blood from the impact. "Wait… no… this isn't right" Noah exited the vehicle in a calm and orderly manner. "You… you're using celestial essence, aren't you?"
"What even is that? Are you taking those Korean pills again? Your mother always said…"
"I've been off them for six months you fucking know that!" Alan was taken aback by Noah's sudden shift from Mr. Coolguy to a total dick. "Your blood. It's white. You're the man I've been looking for for YEARS!"
"Dude do you stalk me on the Gaymetal discord or something?"
"Shut up!" Noah pulled out his nintendo switch, which transformed into a katana in a blink of an eye. "All of this pain… all of this suffering… it ends here. Now." His already developed appendicular region grew twelve times their natural size.
"Noah wait!" Alan exclaimed as Noah began to swing the blade down. Suddenly it felt like Time itself stopped, as Alan managed to catch the blade in his hands. All of a sudden he felt more envigorated than ever before, but in a flash of light it ended just as quick as it began.
Back at the restaurant, the group sat uncomfortably in a cramped booth. "Jesus, they're taking forever." said Sam, "i've finished three drinks already."
"They're just trying to find a good spot. Didn't Noah say that he knows a spot? You really need to trust them more you stupid baka" said Ben.
"Sam's got a point, though" said Annikin. Our show's in 10 minutes. They should be back by now"
"Eh, you're taking Sam's side? You're all just a bunch of bakas." Ben slumped in his seat.
A waitress bumbled in on the conversation. It was obvious it was her first day. "So… uh… what'll it be, guys? I MEAN GENTLEMEN! I'm extremely sorry! I'm new here and… and… uh…" the woman flustered. "Please forgive me!"
"What happened to our waiter from before?" said Michael, flipping his Thinkpad open onto the table.
"He's… um… uh…"
"You know what, forget it. I'll take a sake"
"S-s-s-s-s-s-sake?" The waitress seemed jittery. Her clipboard was trembling. "What's a… huh… what?"
"Sorry, I meant Dr. Pepper."
"Make that four more" said Sam, the group nodded in agreement. "You've been great to us Ms…" Sam struggles to read the nametag without his trusty bifocals "... Brandon."
"Oh, thank god!" relieved the waitress. "I'll be with your drinks shortly!" Brandon shuffled from the squad and onto the next table.
There was a small explosion, barely audible. Droves of frightened moviegoers ran past.
"That seems suspicious." Rian said.
"Affirmative." Michael replied. "I deduce that we should investigate what all the commotion is about."
"Ok… but why the hell are you talking like that?" Rian responded.
"I dunno man i wanna die."
"K." Rian said as they both left to check what's happening outside.
Noah looked around before asking "What happened? Why is my Labo blade out?" Alan released the blade and Noah sheathed it really cooly. He stood there bewildered, as did Alan. Alan sat up inside the van to see all his blood and cuts had disappeared without any trace. "You think we can leave the van here till later?" Noah said. "Uhhh… Yeah?" Alan found it hard to believe what all happened in the van just now, meanwhile Noah had no recollection of what happened.
They both jumped down from the van really cooly, welcomed by Rian and Michael. "You call that a parking space? How do you expect us to get up there?" Michael asked, sassily but also really cooly. "Its fine. Paul can lift us up with the cocaine tail." Noah replied. Alan was silent, still trying to process what Noah said. "Why would he be looking for me? And what is… essence? And more importantly… why was my blood white all of a sudden?" He thought to himself. Something about Noah seeking him out made him curious, but right now all that mattered was Deadpool, and the commotion has left them with only 3 minutes until the showing begins. The four Naruto run into the theater to hopefully join the rest who are already seated.
Alan wasn't the only one suspicious, however. Noah made careful note of the gap in his memory. All he could remember was something about Korean pills. "Mmm… Tasty." He thought to himself as he entered the Theater.
「ABILITY」:Uses angsty rage to amass strength
All of the group members dashed into the theater to find it completely empty. They didn't know why everyone was leaving or why people were running and screaming out of the theater, but it meant that everything was free and the younger kids would be able to see the Rated R movie.
"Michael can you hack into the Wifi to get a message out that the theater is clear?" Alan asked.
"WHAT DO YOU MEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAN?" Michael asked in a Michael like voice.
"Just send the message goddamnit" Alan asked.
"But they don't have BroccoliMessager!" Michael protested back.
"OK Now you're actually making this up" Rian said. Michael eventually caved and sent out a message on the freshly downloaded-for-the-8th-time copy of Discord mobile. Soon Rian recieved a telepathic call from The Golden Child himself.
"Wait guys, he's communicating to me!" Rian exclaimed.
"Well whats he saying?" Albert asked.
"He says he's coming over… he also asks where we parked"
"Why? Does he want to try and park next to us?" Sam said, unaware of where the car was parked.
"He can try I guess." Noah said smirking with his rugged and defined cheekbones.
"Yeah go ahead and tell him where we parked." Paul said. "Maybe he'll make it onto the roof."
"That would be impressive, but I asked because I saw the van in the side of the building." The Golden child said while he descended in a T-pose from the roof. He chose to use his heavenly powers to fly to the theater rather than deal with parking while Infinity war was still being shown.
"What's up Markas?" Rian said.
"Greetings Oni-chan" said the transcendent being really cooly. His personage defied all description. "I recieved a message on discord concerning the situation that was delivered to my station, so I hastened to your coordinates at the earliest opportunity." His verbose manner of speaking relfected his refined divine stature.
"Hey can someone turn on the projector since we're all here now and all the staff is gone?" Rian asked.
"Ok fine but like I might hang myself on the film tape." Michael said inexplicably as he stabbed the side of the padded wall with the edge of his thinkpad in order to climb up to the projector room.
"Hey Markas, I need to discuss something with you." said Alan. "Privately." The two exit the showing into the halls. "So… Noah was talking to me about this… celestial essence."
Markas gasped in exasperation. He continued with caution "What of it?"
"Idk Noah was talking about it. Some weird shit, y. I ask because you're the obligatory transcendent being and all that, so really I was just wondering-"
Markas hushed him with his enlarged index finger. "Silence, dear child, for I will unveil the secrets of the world before your eyes." He grasped Alan's cranium and chin, imbued his power into him, and in an instant, they were transported to another realm.
The two were covered in a spiritual shroud. In the distance was a small boy of frail constitution playing with an assortment of blocks and toy cars.
"Is that... "
"Yes. It is I. Before I became golden I was a wretched existance. I lacked the nutrients to continue living. It was then that I became converted to the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What you see before you is just minutes before my… eternal baptism."
"Dang thats pretty cool. So your telling me that you died, and were so Mormon that you are now God of our world?"
"No thats gay I'm just an angelic figure xd." replied Markas. "But the gospel that was endowed with me was nothing short of…" The boy in the foreground was startled by a mysterious figure with a sniper-shotgun. Gunshots. A corpse laid there, pooling in silver blood. "... enlightening"
"You're blood! It's…"
"Yes. It is the blood that you saw before your situation ended. Trust me. I am all seeing now."
"So what happened then?"
"A power you had no idea you had has laid dormant for decades of your life, even decades before. What you saw was the first time your celestial essence has revealed itself to you, and that was because it was active the entire van ride."
"Because if it wasn't Noah would kill you. Without it Noah would have maintained his aggression towards you long before you ever reached the theater."
"So Noah's going to try to kill me?"
"If his aggression is allowed to manifest one more time, you will no longer be able to effect him."
"Nah thats bs." Alan proclaimed. "If it only took 2 or 3 times Noah would have already killed me. I naturally piss people off."
"No his threshold was like 1500 fits of anger but you're actually so terrible that he's almost there."
"Oh. Hey aren't we now like 20 minutes late to the movie?"
"Time doesn't pass here."
"Makes sense. Anyway its time to go now."
"What do you mean no its not." Markas protested but Alan decided to jump out of the pocket dimension he brought him in and fell through the ceiling of the theater. They landed on top of each other in the Deadpool showing.
"'Sup?" Ben said. "Glad you could join us." The title credits began to roll. Alan and Markas took their seats at the ends of the row.
Noah and Sam were situated next to each other. Seeing an opportunity, Noah with his elongated yaoi hands reached for Sam's delicate right hand. Sam swatted away Noah's advances. "What are you doing?"
"What, I thought I'd spice things up a bit."
"Well don't. You're being a dick."
"I thought you were better than that."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing… it's whatever."
'Hey can you both shut up?" Ben said, shaking his Large Dr. Pepper. "Bakas"
Noah and Sam turned away from each other. After a few minutes, Noah attempted again for round two. His partner retaliated by twisting his hand and pinning him to the floor. "Quit it."
"Samantha, what's gotten into you?"
"Isn't that your name?"
"It's SAMUEL, you jackass"
The theater fell silent.
"You're a dude?" said Annikin, popcorn in hand.
"Whoa…" said Alan
" I FUCKING KNEW IT" shouted Ben.
Noah couldn't believe what was happening before him. His girlfriend, no, boyfriend, pinned him to the ground, humiliating him. His Korean blood wouldn't stand for this. He must defend his honor. With his free hand, he reached for his nintendo switch, unsheathed his Labo katana, and gutted his love in the abdomen. Sam slumped back into his seat, covered in blood and regret. In the blink of an eye, his life force was gone.
"HOLY SHIT!" The group screamed as they bolted towards the emergency exit. Alan was the last to escape, but witnessed Markas attempting to confront the killer.
"Had your fun, Michael?"
Michael? The only Michael Alan knew was the nerd who just exited the building. Unless… unless…
"I never said I was finished." Noah rushed Markas at a blazing speed. Markas, startled by Noah's sudden strength, accepted the sheer force of his assailant, knocking him unconscious.
Noah reached for a syringe in his back pocket. "You kill a man once, you expect him to not come back." The needle penetrated Markas' perfect skin. Noah extracted a vial of the being's blood. Markas reverted to his frail, mortal state. Noah tossed the body of his opponent towards Alan, who caught him midair.
"I'll give you five minutes" Noah said with a wry smile. His features were deformed beyond the ruggedness Alan was accustomed too. Regardless, he decided to flee the scene. That face… that voice… no doubt about it now.
That was Joseph Stalin
「ABILITY」: Electric elemental that can manipulate technology
5: Things We Already Knew
"Where is the babby" the hooded figure said.
Youll never have him, said the man, pulling out two fidget spinners from his pocket.
No don't he's to powerful, said the woman next to him, clutching a small child baby.
I'll end you with the luck of my muffin, the hodded figure smirked. The man blazed at him with his 99999+ rpm fidget spinners, but the figure suddenly disappeared, teleporting behind him.
"Omae wa mo shindeiru" the figure said.
"Nani what is this" the attacker said. He began to feel weak and he realized he was losing his cooly.
"Honey I don't feel so good" he said to his wife before dissolving.
The wife screamed hard and bad as the figure approached her. He noticed that the baby he was holding before wasn't there anymore.
"What did you do with him?" he angrily said.
"It's too late… he went... infinity and beyond" she says with a feint smile.
"Begone thot" the villain said as he raised his hand, preparing another dying blow.
Joseph Stalin woke up, gasping at the dream, no, memory he just relived. He noticed the little boy was beside him.
"WHY IS MY PEEPEE HARD" Alan shrieked like a parakeet on a paraYEET.
"This is him, no doubt about it." he thought. "He is the one with celestial essence, but that power remains dormant in him.
"You're not ready boy, but once you are fully trained, I will give you the good succ." he softly spoke as he placed the palm of his hand on his head, caressing his face.
"No u" Alan said. Alan began to glow shinely, but that faded away after a few seconds.
"The boy's potential is too great, I must absorb his essence when the time is right." he thought. "Soon that time will come sister."
Alan was too stunned to do anything. "What the hell is going on?" Annikin hugged Alan's hand, while Ben fell to his knees which I can't describe or he'll call me maka and said
"Markas wake up" Alan said somberly
"¿Qué pasó?" Markas uttered not remembering that he hated spanish class and therefore hated the language and the people. Markas said some racist slurs before Albert responded making the situation worse.
"He capped yo ass nigga and now he's on the run." Albert said while being so racist that Sams stomach ulcer exploded.
"His body reacted to Albert and Markas' racism!" Alan exclaimed. "He still has hope, but where can we go?"
"No… They played us like a damn fiddle!" Markas said getting up.
"Whose they?" Rian asked while shaving his head.
"I'll explain later, take me to the Garden of Eden, my master is there." Markas responded.
"Fuck's sake Markas that's like 500 miles away." Alan complained.
"I have a portal gun, but using it includes mental side effects such as low production of acetylcholine, physical deformation in the amygdala which would lead to erratic emotional behaviors, and a 200% increase in suicidal tendencies from the frontopolar cortex of the brain." Annikin said.
"It's fine, I've become immune to mental retardation from watching Rick and Morty, so lets go." Alan said as the portal gun exploded.
"I guess we're driving" He said before realized the van had also exploded.
"Fuck we're walking"
"Alrighty then, lets go"
"I need to tell you one more thing." Annikin said.
"I wanted to tell you t-that I've always-" Annikin stopped. Alan looked down to see Noah's cardboard blade had gone through his heart.
"Shh. Your 5 minutes is up" Noah Stalin said as he pulled the blade out broken and tattered, the remaining half was tattered and damp from Annikins blood. "I feel you."
"Annikin no! Not you-" Alan fell to his knees holding Annikin in his arms.
"Allan-sama… I… I'm sorry… I… I didn't have the… the courage to tell you…" Annikin coughed, seconds from death.
"Tell me what?" Alan said.
"That I love you." He coughs.
"No, no Annikin wait you can't" Alan says through tears. "That's gay!"
"Shhh… its ok… its may…" He dies.
"No…" He sobs. "Father why? Why take the form of my friend? And why are you killing them?" Alan pleaded.
"I am not your father, fool." Noah said. "Your very nature hath imprisoned me for 35 years, forcing me to father you all this time. I killed your parents years ago trying to stop the last generation of celestial essence users but you escaped, and I still don't know how."
"You monster. I put my trust into you for so long, and it seems you've wormed your way into my life. Who can I trust anymore?" Alan screamed. "Why didn't you just leave? You've had so many chances to walk away."
"My hatred for your kind brings me back and your power tricks me, makes me see a helpless child when in reality your a demonic wretch, just like your parents, and just like your cousin Markas before you." He pullsout the sniper shotgun. "Now it's time for you all to feel my rath, brothers."
Alan looks to his group of friends behind him. He saw little hope in their eyes, except for Michael who was T-posing ready to accept what he thought was his fate. "Run." he said. "Take Sam's body and go with Markas to the Garden of Eden. I know what I must do." They began to run as Noah began to speak while loading the gun.
"Ahh. I knew this day would come, I knew staying around you awhile longer would mean you'd push me to the point where I'd finally be free, and now I am. Besides, I now take the form of a younger, sexier, defined, and more able teenage boy. The perfect body to slay you and truly free me from celestial essence power forever. Goodbye, son" He laughed as he looked downsight at a broken allan.
"Halt!" Someone screamed. Stalin aimed his gun upwards to see his old partner officer Balsh with a S.W.A.T. van behind him. "You're under arrest, all of you! And you, Alan Stalin, your father will be very disappointed." he said.
"Oh I am." Noah said turning back into Stalin. "Dissapointed that you didn't listen when I said I was on the scene" He shot the gun at Balsh who swapped to his bee form and charged him. "Get in the van, All of you! I'll handle this fiend!"
"Arigato Balsh-san!" cried Alan.
"Traitor, you think I won't find them you pathetic excuse for a physics teacher." He said taking a shot out of Balsh's wing. He crashed to the ground, reverting to his normal form.
"You've always been callous and uncaring, I thought the kid would give you the chance to be better than this, hell I thought you were! But now all I regret is us being partners." Balsh said standing up.
"I regret it too. I thought we were like minded once, and knew that celestial essence was not going to continue. I regret that you've forgotten your place in all of this. I will find the boy, Balsh, and I will go through you to do it." He cocked the gun back and pointed it at him.
"Kill me. You can never forget the joy you felt when you caught him that day. Whether it was fake or real to you now it was real to you then. Perhaps you should learn not to resist that and you'll be happy."
"You're addicted to a lie, my friend. And a scourge as well. Consider this to be liberating you from that." With one swift motion he revealed an extra six barrels on the shotgun and shot Balsh. He instantly perished. Stalin reverted back to Noahs form and began scaling the theater, where he used his expert Marksmanship to pop the back tire of the SWAT van currently driving away.
"OH SHIT." Alan yelled. "Wait… who the hell is driving exactly?"
"The only one old enough to drive others legally." Rian said.
"Oh no…" Alan said carefully sliding the window between the back and the drivers seat
"Hey Allan." Paul said as he looked away from the road to rail a little bit of coke before ramping off of the train tracks. The shock sent Alan, who was stupid and standing up out the back of the van, clinging for dear life to one of the doors.
"What the fuck?!" Albert exclaimed as he and everyone else looked out the back to see Noah Stalin sprinting at 40 miles per hour with his muscular thighs propelling him forward really cooly.
"I run 3 to 4 times a week to get this good at running!" He yelled as he took a shot at Alan still hanging outside. "Damn it, I missed."
"Ok thats dine and dandy but do we like actually have a plan to get Alan back inside?" Michael shouted.
"Don't look at me you bakas!" Ben said covering his face.
"Hey guys." Paul said snickering. "I got a plan."
"I'm going to object to this later but for now lets try it." Alan said as more shots from Noah continued to wizz by the van.
"Okaaay." Paul said worryingly as he sent his tail through the passenger window and out to the back for Alan to grab.
"Paul I can't grab this its covered in too much cocaine."
"Uhh ok then grab this." He pulled his tail back in and sent it back out coiled around a bodypillow of Princess Victoria Louise of Prussia. Alan held tight around pauls cocaine infused sex pillow disgusted but still determined to get into the passenger seat of the Van. He managed to reach the door and grab it. Flinging it open and sliding in.
"Where the hell did you get that?" Alan said.
"I keep it where I keep my tail." Paul said.
"I fucking hate this."
"No U." Paul says cracking a smile (get it cause crack). Alan sighs and proceeds with ratifying the situation.
"Close and lock the back doors, now!" Alan yelled. Without hesitation Bem and Markas reached out and closed the door and locked it, only to see out the window that Noah had picked up to a startling 70 mile per hour stride.
"Fuck fuck fuck Alan we have more problems on our hands."
"I see him." Alan said looking in the side mirror. "I need to activate the overdrive on this Van but I don't have a key for it. Does anyone have a meme hammer I can borrow?
"Yeah I got yours." Paul said.
"Yeah I made sure to pack it up in case it was needed." Paul said while he revealed the hammer with the tail around it before handing it to Alan.
"Oh… oh fuck thats gross." Alan said gagging.
"Who gives a shit hit the button now!" Rian said.
"Oh god why did you have to say shit." Alan dropped the hammer and began vomiting out the window. At that same time Noah had reached the van and clung onto the back. He went into liberator mode and shot the lock clean off, and the doors swung open once more.
"Shit!" Ben yelled over the muffled sound of Alan still vomiting Vaal Hazak style outside the van. "Quick! Throw something at him!"
"Cute. All I need to do now is reload" Noah said as he used one arm to position the door and hold himself up because he was so swole. He tucked the Shotgun between his legs as he did pull-ups to taunt the passengers inside.
"I know he's evil and shit but damn thats hot." Michael said with a 3 quarter chub. Everyone else was panicked until eventually Rian got up and threw a knife at Noah.
"Fuck you you bitch! I won't let you hurt Alan-senpai!" Rian exclaimed unexpectedly. Everyone sat suprised but Noah had a cut on his face.
"You brat. I'll show you your place." He said dropping the shotgun and unsheathing the Labo sword.
"Ok Alan if you're done vomiting we really need to go Overdrive now." Paul says grabbing his shoulder.
"Ok. Ok." Alan sits up and winds the hammer up. "We just have to wait for the right moment now." Noah began swinging the door, preparing to jump into the back of the van.
"Rian buckle up, now!" Markas yelled. Rian hurridly complied. The moment Noah let go of the Van door Alan smashed the meme hammer down with all his might, accelerating them this time to 1000 miles per hour, and blasting Noah back about 200 feet. Now sure that Noah wasn't chasing them anymore, Alan went to check on Markas, who was noticeably still injured.
"Markas, you okay homie?" Alan asked.
Markas looked up at Alan with is bloodied face and responded in a defeated tone.
"Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every passing second, I can feel my balls... And my scrotum... even my nipples... The movie I've lost... the celestial essence I've lost... won't stop hurting... It's like they're all still there."
Markas suddenly grabbed Alan and pulled him forward towards him, facing each other eye to eye.
"You feel it, too, don't you? I'm gonna make them give back our past!" declared Markas before slouching back in the van. They had narrowly escaped, for now.
Stalin watches as the van fades out of his sight. "I'll get them next time" he said evily. He looks at Balsh's body, only to notice that he hasn't completely instantly perished.
"Stalin…" Balsh said as he spit out some honeybee blood.
"Why? You know what happens if you disoebey father."
"Because… it needs to end… father is wrong… and those kids will be his end..." Balsh says before letting out one final breath and dying.
「ABILITY」:Can perform any plot saving device
6: In the Palm of Your Hand
"Bitch this ain't the Garden of Eden it's a fucking neo-fascist state run by dick-sucking bureaucunts."
Alan and the mystery gang found themselves in a large metropolitan city, but it wasnt just a normal city, as the gang felt an uneasy feeling when they entered the city.
"What is this place?" asked Michael while he carries Markas and Sam on his back.
"Welcome to Despacito 17" replied Markas.
The city was surrounded by a large wall filled with Despacito billboards. Upon closer inspection, the roofs, the buildings, the cameras, the drone patrols, all of it was oozing Despacito. Everywhere the streets are filled people walking around with Daddy Yankee t-shirts and Luis Fonsi tattered jeans. Paul looked closer with his cocaine vision and noticed that micro earbuds were inserted in their ears, playing Despacito at 150 decibels. In the center of the city was a giant hologram of the alien from Dame Tu Cosita dabbing at a quantum power of 2 million dabs per minute.
"I don't like this place, it gives me clinical depresscito," Paul said with a scaryful tone.
"What happened to this place?" Alan asked Markas.
"It began on January, 30 2017, where the music video for Despacito was released on the internet. The song was an instant major hit, garnering billions and billions of views.
It all mutated from there. A year later, NASA created Despacito 2, shaking the whole world. In 2019, Despacito 3 was found on Mars. Every year came a new sequel of Despacito. Then in 2038 NASA discovered the technology to create space shutles that can travel faster than light, where they scuored the galaxies for the 6 Despacito stones.
Countless civilizations were wiped in pussyut of these stones. Once all six of them were found, NASA became capable of creating a new Despacito every nanosecond.
Soon NASA took over the government, creating their own state where Despacito was infused into all aspects of everyone's life. Despacito now indoctrinates the lives of millions of citizens, controlling a hivemind of brainless sheep. You can't walk two inches without hearing Despacito drilled into your very mind."
"Then we'll just have to walk one inch, everyone cuddle together until we become thiner than an inch." said Alan.
"Baka, I'd rather dip my head in a pool of bleach while choking on tide pods," Ben furiously replied, attempting to hide a red face.
"Cuddle hard with me Alan!" said Rian with a glaring look.
"We live in a society." Paul stated really cooly.
"How do you know so much Markas" Michael asked.
"I was born in the Despacito, molded by it. I didn't hear anything else until I was already a man, by then, it was.. nothing to me but a sound." Markas uttered.
"Ok, so where's the Garden of Eden? Does it even exist?"
"it does. Underneath. When NASA took over this state, they wanted the Garden of Eden to further their malignant goals of spreading Despacito to the world. Before it became the capital, Despacito 17 used to be the primary base for the Garden of Eden search operation. They never found it. It belongs to the resistance group now, the Gangnam Style gang, who wishes to overthrow NASA and the Despacito state. My master founded the resistance group in hopes of preserving and keeping the garden an eternal secret. NASA is unaware of the connection between the Garden of Eden and the resistance group. Follow me."
Markas takes out fake tiny earbuds out of his pocket.
"This would be so much easier if I still had celestial essence. Here Paul stick it in them."
Paul took each pair of micro earbuds with his cocaine-secreting tail. He then proceed to insert the micro earbuds into everyone's earhole 5 inches deep until he found the eardrums, placing the cocaine-covered micro earbuds with care.
The gang walked through the streets, watching Despacito police force brutally hitting those that disobayed.
While walking, a screen displayer came on with a voice.
"Would you like to learn about the history of Despacito?"
We don't have ti-" Markas attempted to say, but with quick curiosity, Alan already pressed the button on the screen. A list appeared.
The History of Despacito:
Despacito - Song released in 2017 by Luis Fonsi Ft. Daddy Yankee
Despacito 2 - Created by NASA
Despacito 3 - Found on Mars (This led to the creation of Dame Tu Cosita)
Despacito 4 - Found in Sans Undertale
Despacito 5 - Discovered hidden under Minecraft bedrock
Despacito 6 - Found in Tilted Towers
Despacito 7 - Announced by Sony at E3
Despacito 8 - Announced by Microsoft at E3
Despacito 9 - Extracted from a Black Hole
Despacito 10 - Found in Roblox
Despacito 11 - Found in Garfield's Lasagna
Despacito 12 - Deciphered in hidden passage of the Bible
Despacito 13 - [DATA EXPUNGED]
Despacito 14 - Discovered at the bottom of the Marinara Trench
Despacito 15 - Burger King Foot Lettuce
Despacito 16 - Sung by School Idol Nico
Despacito 17 - ?
Despacito 18 - Found in the Gulags
Despacito 19 - Found in друг's shed
Despacito 20 and beyond - Created by the Infinity Gauntlet, which now serves as the main power source of the city.
Why are there three question marks on Despacito 17? Alan asked. Isn't the city named after it? Markas remained silent for a moment, then replied "NASA never found Despacito 17 because it is located in the Garden of Eden, hence their reason for wanting to find it in the first place."
"Why did NASA stop making more Despacitos after 2?" Michael asked.
"Despacito 2 was NASA's crowning achievement, but after that the later variants were too unstable. Only other companies like Sony and Microsoft who were heavily funded by NASA were successful in making a few. Of course when they obtained the Despacito stones, they could produce an infinite amount of Despacito, enough to power the city." A patrol car rushed past them, probably to crackdown on the little resistance there is on the surface. "Let's keep going."
As they walked, Markas looked around then said "The Despacito police are looking at us like we're suspcious, we have to keep moving quicy."
Markas opened a manhole cover. They entered the sewers and finded some hidden pathway.
"Enter the sewers, I'll guide us through various traps and deliver us safely to the Garden."
Michael asked, "Traps? What kind of traps, are they dangerous?"
"They're all standard base traps such as Felix, Astrolfo, or Haru. But that's the mild stuff. We really want to avoid the shota genderbend traps."
They followed Markas' instructions and entered the gaping manhole. They managed to avoid all contact with traps. Michael secretly wanted to see them.
"There is the end of the tunnel. When we get there we will take an elevator down to The Garden of Eden."
"OPPAN GANGNAM STYLE" a figure with a mask screamed aiming his ak47 to the group. He inspected the silver pendant in the shape of a T around Markas' neck.
"Oh its señor Markas" he realized lowering his gun."Señor Markas you are wounded, come with me amigos"
They goed with the gunman in an elevator, wich was around an hour long. They had some conversations.
"So hombre, how's life, man? I haven't seen your ass in ages"
"It's been an extensive amount of time since our last encounter, I agree"
"We've been sizing up since you left." The elevator shuddered to a halt. "The fuck…?" The gunman opened the emergency hatch in the cieling, revealing a rouge Despacito agent severing the wire.
"DESPACITO, MOTHERFUCKER!" The knife shredded the last remaining fibers of the cable. The elevator was in freefall. The confined space holding 6-7 people (depending on your religious views) started screaming in panic. The metal frame shrieked with delight as the mystery gang was about to meet their demise. At the same time, Alan's temples were pulsating a white neon fluid. The adrenaline kicked in. All around him were familiar faces frozen in worn out places. Alan tore open the elevator doors, which were pulled apart easier than cardboard. "My strength is magnified in this state" said Alan. "Just what I needed" he said really cooly this time.
Alan stepped out of the elevator. Upon examination, he noticed the shaft was approximately 6 micrometers from impact. He quickly paced to chuck everybody a safe distance outside of the death trap in a neat pile. Alan then collapsed to his knees. Time resumed, the ground shook, and the elevator was obliterated. Phased by the sudden time shift, the gang toppled over each other. Rian popped a chub.
"What even…" Markas regained his footing. He noticed scars around Alan's cranium. "The celestial essence. It's getting stronger. Everyone follow me. We need to get to Eden as quickly as we can.
"But how?" Michael had a point. They were at the bottom of a ravine, with several cave openings, supposedly leading to death.
"What part of 'follow me' didnt you understand, oni-chan?" said Markas. He walked over to a small stone and pressed it. The floor opened to reveal a set of stairs leading deeper into the earth's crust. At the end of the stairs was a yellow light barely visible.
Markas pointed. "Eden is this way." and they all walked in unison down the iron steps.
*Meanwhile in Despacito headquarters*
"Move it libtard" the soldier said as he shoved the prisoner.
"FILTHY MONGRELS YOULL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO GANGNAM STYLE" screamed the prisoner before getting an even harder shove. The prisonr was then straped to a metal chair.
"It's time you take a despa-seat-o so I can make you dead-spacito in the inside" the soldier chuckled, preparing a large megaphone next to his ear.
"Do your worst." replied the prisoner.
As the solider prepares to turn it on, he hears a commanding voice. "Release him." the voice commanded.
The soldier turns around, startled by the appearance of a broad figure.
"Chancellor, what are you doing here?" said the soldier.
"Leave him be, I shall speak to him myself." commanded the man.
"Yes sir." The soldier left.
"I never expected to meet the Despacito Chancellor in person, just my lucky day" jeered the prisoner.
The Chancellor went to grab a drink in the freezer, taking out a bottle of a blue and orange color.
"Ha, only gay people drink bepis." the prisoner snarked.
The Chancellor looked a bit closer at the prisoner's face, then reeled back, turning around and opened the bottle of bepis to drink, before speaking to the prisoner.
"I'm here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the truth of knowledge?"
The prisoner looked at him, confused, in which the Chancellor continued.
"No!' says the man in USSR, 'It belongs to the proletariat.' 'No!' says the man in Jerusalem, 'It belongs to Lord Tachanka.' 'No!' says the man in Canada, 'It belongs to the polar bears (cuz global warming forced the poalr bears to canada)."
"Whats your goddamn point?" the prisoner said. The Chancellor chugged his bepis down and looked closely at him, continuing his reponse.
"I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... Despacito, a society where the redditor would not fear the gays, where the 4channer would not be cursed by the normies, where the great would not be constrained by the small! And with the assimilation of your knowleagable mind, Despacito can become your motherland as well."
"Eat my shorts faghet" spat out the prisoner.
"Another member of the Gangnam Style gang, yes? You think you know who I am, but take a closer look at me." The Chancellor moved his face closer to the prisoner until their eyes were a few inches away. The prisoner then began having a realization that the Chancellor of the Despacito state was a complete enigma to him.
"W-Who are you..." asked the man while feeling unknowny.
"My name is Jimmy Sheen. I'm 33 years old. My mansion is in the northeast section of Despacito 17, where all the missile silos are, and I am not married. I work as the Chancellor for the Republic of Despacito, formally the President of NASA, and I get high every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't vape, but I occasionally juul. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm bepis and doing about twenty yeets of t-poses before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I just recently obtained my 69th solo win in Fortnite."
"Nani the fuck are you talking about?" blurted out the prisoner.
"I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very Despacito-esque life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight that person is gonna have a bad time."
The prisoner laughed like a windex spray bottle."You don't look so tough, the last time I fought someone I chok him unconscious and left him knocked out inside a dumpster that I took a shit in."
"Words of a foolish man," Jimmy stated as he beckoned the prisoner to attack him. The prisoner charged at him, swinging away with punches and kicks, but Jimmy dodged them all. Jimmy then raised his hand and in an instant jabbed through his heart. He then ripped it out, spilling is blood everywhere and holding his heart, which was still beating. The prisoner was both astounded and kinda dead at Jimmy's attack.
"I told you, if I were to fight that person is gonna have a bad time." Jimmy said evily with a blue spark of fire on his left eye as he watched to prisoner collapse in his pool of blood. "Your defiance and your petty resistance group as a whole is a disturbance to my Despacito-esque life, thus you all must be disposed of in order to maintain peace in the Despacito regime."
Jimmy looked at the heart he riped out, watching the heart rate come to a complete stop.
"I'll save this for later," Jimmy thought as he placed the heart in his pocket.
Jimmy went to his chamber for a nice rest, only to find someone else was resting on his comfy sofa.
"Hiya Jimmy, haven't seen you in a while. How's it like being the dictator of the most powerful nation in the world?" spoke Noah/Jose Stalino.
"Noah? No, your face is different… Mr. Stalin!?" responded a shocked Jimmy.
"Like the new look?" He said turning completely into Noah. "I've ditched the old one completely now."
"That's weird." Jimmy said. "I didn't take you for the shapeshifter type."
"I do what I must to accomplish my goals, as you do. Tell me, do you want to know where the Garden of Eden is?" Jimmy looks at Stalin with interest.
"Impossible. Every area from the inner depths of hell to the outer reaches of Heaven have been scanned. It does not exist."
Stalin begins to make an evily grin "Despacito may be the world's leading nation in science and technology, but in order to find the impossible, you need a power beyond the physical realm."
"Power beyond the physical realm? Explain old man."
"The Garden of Eden exists in a spiritual dimension, placed by God himself years after Adam and Eve were banished. That is why you were never able to find it."
Jimmy looks at Stalin with some contemplation, then responds with a sigh.
"I wonder what you want in return." Jimmy says.
"To kill a target inside. I need your thugs as backup."
"And how exactly do you know where it is?"
"I left a tracker inside of a body they brought with them. It's located under the city. Once the tracker signal disappears, it means that they've entered that dimension. Give me troops and I will return with all of the refugees rounded up. "
"Ok Stalin, I'll play your game."
"Call me Noah, Stalin is old news now."
"Alright Noah. Lets fuck."
「ABILITY」: Immediate descendant of the first quirk user
7: Back to Basics
"We're close to the entrance." Markas said weakly. His injuries had come close to consuming him. Rian was carrying him and Ben was carrying Sam's body.
"Can't I just store Sam." Paul said smiling as everyone began to aggressively object
"Paul please don't ever offer to store anything. Anything at all. We don't care how much space there is nor have we ever wanted to know there was this much space. Please stop." Alan said.
"Ok." Paul said.
"Does the Garden of Eden hold any hope for Sam?" Michael asked Markas.
"I don't know, he's been dead for very long. If anything he may be buried there, but there's a chance we can do something for him."
"Is that it?" Ben asked. Before them stood an arch appearing to be centuries old. Ot read "Oppa Gangnam Style" In a language, but nobody could read it.
"Yes, but only someone with ultimate power can open it!" Alan said.
"No you fucking Baka use the Wifi password." Ben said.
"Fine fine." Alan approaches the statue and whispers "the hot Nathan" into the arch. Without warning, a rift forms within the arch, and everyone enters quickly. The rift closes behind them, leaving nothing but the arch and Despacito forces on the way. The Garden of Eden was now revealed to them, a grand ancient greek style plaza with many species of unknown foliage. To the right of the Arch was an 80 foot tall Yeetberry tree, with several vines bearing various fruits and berries hanging down from the top, Gagnam grapes, Notch apples, Foot lettuce fruits, Potato pears, holy pickles, all presumably feeding off of the growth of the large tree. Below the tree stood a figure picking the fruits, who stopped to observe the crew entering through the rift.
"Intruders!" The figure said dropping the basket of fruits. The figure seemed to sound an Alarm, resulting in Gangnam forces surrounding the arch within seconds.
"Oh wait a minute." One of them said "Hi Rodger and Gill!"
"Bonjourno." Gill said. "We need to go to the medical bay immediately, homey Markas has been wounded, the celestial essence ripped out of him."
"Wait, take Sam too! He's dying!" Alan said.
"She looks pretty dead already, but we'll take her too." said Gill.
The guards escorted Markas and Sam to the medical bay.
"Hello, I've been expecting you, Alan." The figure beneath the tree said, stepping out into the light. "Who did this to Markas?"
"Noah Stalin. He's been hunting the very last people with the power of celestial essence for at least 40 years." Alan said. "Are you Markas' senpai?"
"Yes. My Name is Nathan. I am the last remaining teacher of the art of celestial essence that resides at Eden. Let me guide you around this place.
The mystery gang followed Nathan around, in awe of the entire place.
"This place is like Valhalla but more autistic, if autism had a visual representation." said Michael.
"Nathan-senpai, what happened to the others who practiced the art of celestial essence?" asked Alan.
The others have either abandoned the art or died trying to protect it. Being the only survivor, I chose to remain here to prevent letting it fall in the wrong hands." replied Nathan.
"How about this resistance group you formed?"
"While guarding this place I sensed some disturbance in the physical world. I found that men, women, and children were all being massacred and oppressed in the name of a regime known as Despacito. I welcomed them here. In turn of helping to protect the Garden of Eden, I would help them fight against the oppressive Despacito nation. I sensed a hint of celestial essence in one particular individual."
"Markas." Alan stated.
"Yes. I had him trained personally under me. Ever since then he became one of my most trusted members of the Gangnam Style Gang, the name the resistance chose."
Nathan led the mystery gang outside to a large field where more of the garden's beautyful foliage can be seen.
"I'd assume you'd like to know more about your parents, Alan." Nathan said.
"Stalin told me they died in an accident at the fidget spinner factory."
"Admittingly their deaths remain an enigma to me, but I knew your parents."
"My true parent's final act was sending me forward in time to escape."
"Yes, there's only one person capable of using celestial essence to that extent."
"We called her the Memetichrist, as she was a prophet of our time. Her mastery of celestial essence was so far beyond that of anyone else that she once ruled over Eden itself. But a young soy boy won her heart, and overtime convinced her that the Eden was not a safe place of practice for the arts soon after it was discovered that she was pregnant, with you I assume. Most followed her judgement and decided that returning to Earth was the best course of action, only to later see the population didn't take kindly to them. H8rs would eventually form the Cult de Despacito, and summoned forth Demons bent on bringing a power they thought to be demonic back to hell. Every so often the Demons would attack Eden, killing more and convincing more to leave, but there is only one left now: Noah, former leader of the Potence hunting Demon race. There were once two left, but I sense the other was lost recently."
"Balsh-chan." Alan said with a saddened look on his face.
"The loss of their men one by one as well as their outcast from the modern world consumed them both, one turned to the light accepting the peace offered by celestial essence and the other grew ultimately ambitious, searching for the last few with the gift and killing them in the hope that Hell would welcome them back."
"So what happened to my Mother?"
"It was believed she perished soon after leaving, dying at birth."
"Noah told us he killed her while she was pregnant with Alan." Ben said.
"Uhh yeah that's exactly what happened."
Alan eyes flared up and he became super duper angry.
"He would kill my parents… then raise me like he was my son… then impersonate as if he was my friend… then he would kill Annikin-kun and Balsh-chan…"
Power began pulsing in Alan's veins and the ground under him cracked. An aura became visible followed electrical sparks staticing around him.
"HE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT" Alan cried as he released the energy inside him, encircling everything around him.
"Zoo wee mama" Nathan said. He came forward and raised his hand, The aura and energy around him faded away, showing a crater with Alan in the middle of it. Alan dropped on his knees and began falling to the ground before Ben and Rian caught him.
"Get away from him, he's mine" Rian hissed.
"Baka, don't assume I'm trying to steal him, it's not like I even like him" Ben pouted.
As Ben and Rian carried Alan out of the crater, Nathan approached him.
"You lack control of your celestial essence, nor is it fully developed. You'll never defeat Noah in this current state."
Nathan placed his hand in front of Alan. "Train with me, and you can use your celestial essence to your full potential."
"I'll do it, Nathan-senpai. I will stop at nothing to end Noah's path of destruction." Alan said cooly.
*In the medical bay*
"Would this still work?" Gill asked. "Since you lost your celestial essence power, aren't you like a normal human now?"
My genetic information hasn't changed, so it should work just fine" replied Markas.
Gill inserted the syringe into Markas left testicle, causing his whole body to glow. Every would in Markas' body healed to perfect condition.
"Arigatou Gill, how's Sam?" asked Markas.
"Hey Rodger, how's the chick over there?"
"Uh… Gill… it's not a girl."
What do you me- oh."
Sam began to open his eyes. He looked around frantically, finding himself naked on a bed.
"Am I in heaven? Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm Gill and this nigga over here is my best friend Rodger. Since half of your organs were stabed and shit, we replaced them with enhanced cybernetic parts. Including your arm cuz it was cut from the nervous systme."
Sam raised his arm and saw that it was shiny and metallic. It gave off a unique luster.
"Nani the fukk is going on, last thing I remember was getting shagged by Noah…"
Sam looked at his bionic arm again.
"This doesn't feel like normal metal, the hell is this?"
"The arm is made out of a special element known as nuttranium, a white metal that harnesses the energy of the yeetberry tree. It is harder than diamond and is very compatible with bio-organic material. Most of structures here are made out of it." explained Rodger.
"I'm glad you're ok Sam-san" Markas said. "Let me fill you in on what has happened."
*2 hours later*
"Zoo wee mama I need a bottle of sake after this."
"I thought vodka was more to your liking?"
"I am both a Russian and a Weeaboo."
"So how do you feel about your new body?" Markas asked.
"It feels like plastic." Sam stretched his ligamets. "But that just means im not weighted down by bones and shit" He looked down at his chest. "Did they give me boobs?"
"It was a necessary fixation to replace your organs."
"Whatever". They both exited the medbay to the rush of scents and sights. Eden was remarkable considering its tragic backstory. It's a wonder how they eluded the state for so long. That being said, the children were busy frolicking in the yeetberry orchards while the adults were either harvesting or inside working on R&D. To their left, they witnessed muffled explosions in a glass dome in the distance.
"Alan has been training for a few days now." said Markas, "We are invited to spectate his progress"
Alan laid on the floor gasping for air. His arms were scorched black from the sheer force exerted on them. Lacerations were visible on his legs, chest, and brow. The only ones in the arena were him and Nathan, who was brushing off a speck of dust. As Alan was suffering, his friends witnessed the devastation on a balcony. They brought popcorn bags and bottled sake. How supportive.
"This exercise ends when you land a direct hit," taunted Nathan as he slowly walked towards his prey. "Even the children in Eden don't take this long." Alan summoned his celestial essence into the spirit realm. Nathan's superiority allowed his personage to strike him incessantly. Each blow contained millions of tons of explosive power. A normal human would have been shredded into muscle fibers from a single hit, but Alan's resilience from years of neglect allowed the celestial essence to guard against such relenting forces. Nathan blasted Alan, making a crater a meter deep into a nearby wall, immobilizing him. "I'm so disappointed in you." Nathan sighed, "you have remarkable endurance, but that's obviously not enough if you plan to kill your foe. We're taking a ten minute break."
"NO! I can do this! You're just not giving me a chan-"
Nathan raised his fist and clenched it. The rubble surrounding Alan tightened around his figure. pressure was rising from his lungs. "Five minutes. We don't leave this building until this exercise is finished." Nathan walked off as Alan crumpled to the floor.
"I can do this!" Alan began to sob. "I was able to beat Noah once, so what difference does this shit make? 'Children of Eden dont take this long' Yeah well fuck you too. Theres no fucking way a casual can do what I can." Alan rolled onto his back. "Maybe I should give up." The fact that he was contemplating such a thought frightened him. He knew he couldn't go back. Who cares about Deadpool 2? Who cares about Prom? Nothing matters if he's dead. The only way to beat Noah is to train. But how? Nathan can predict every single move down to the nanosecond. There's no way he isn't smurfing. It's outrageous. Unfair, even.
But Alan didn't have the the energy to continue thinking. He stared at the glass ceiling watching the clouds mingle, exchange secrets, and quickly scatter. There was a dark shadow looming from the stratosphere. There was a dark shadow looming from the stratosphere. A short twang on spanish guitar and a massive purple circle pulsated light.
"Oh SHI-" Alan barely dodged the attack from the sky. A laser the size of an average suburban backyard flooded the arena, leaving a colossal crater in the center of the dome. Wind was swirling upward from the flagship.
"They penetrated us!" screamed Paul. "It's the State!"
Several ropes were lowered, funneling in Despacito troops into the area. Alan shifted from the floor to a nearby vomitorium that reached to the balcony. When he arrived, he saw is friends crouching behind the velvet seats.
"How the fuck did they find us?" whispered Alan
"A tracker, probably"
"So we dont know?"
"Bro this aint anime do i look like speedwagon to you?"
"What do we do then?"
"We have to get to Nathan"
"He's probably protecting Eden from the invasion, you bakas."
"You're right. Fuck. Do we have anywhere to hide"
"This is an arena. There aren't a lot of hiding places."
"What the hell are you talking about this place is the size of Wrigley Field!"
"You're the size of Wrigley Field!"
"Hey! You over there!" An armed Despacito captain encountered the group. "We're looking for someone who looks like this" He pulled up a picture from Alan's graduation looking to the right very cooly. "Tell us where you're hiding him"
"We uh… don't know."
"It's just a prank, we promise"
"Dude, can you like chill."
Three more troops arrived to escort them to the center of the arena. The group was lined up with their hands behind their skulls. Without them knowing, Alan used his celestial essence to stay invisible. But now what was he going to do? His friends were going to die if he didn't do something. From the balcony Alan saw Noah pacing back and forth in front of the new hostages. "give us what we want or else." Noah said as he held a microphone glistening in sweat.
"Or else what?" shouted Nathan from the outside. "I can dance all day, sweetheart. As soon as you kill them you know youre already dead"
"Sir are you actually playing with lives of innocents?" Nathans advisor whispered.
"Chillax bro he doesnt have the balls" Nathan whispered back
"What was that?" said noah
"I said no balls, bitch"
"What? Say it again."
"No. Fucking. Balls. Bitch."
Noah pressed a finger gun to Rians temple. "Ill do it right here, right now."
"Jesus youre more hormonal than a tumblr artist."
"dont tempt me"
"Whats the matter, wittle noahs gonna cry"
"Youre absolutely pathetic"
"ILL TEAR THIS ENTIRE CIVILIZATION TO SHREDS WITH THIS LASER CANNON IF YOU DONT SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH."
"Oooh a laser cannon im shaking in my boots!"
"Its a Class-7 Fonsi Battlecruiser, you better be shaking"
"Class-7? Pffft. Somebodys compensating"
"LAUNCH THE CANNON AT THE CAPITOL BUILDING" ordered Noah. "As for the hostages I'll make sure I'll…" he looked back to see the captives standing aside Nathan. Somehow he was able to scoop up the only leverage Noah had.
"All this shit-talk and no bite." snarked Nathan. "Typical. I'll tell you what: If you kill Alan in a 1v1 Final Destination No Items Despacito can have Eden. If not, you need to nani the fuck out of here."
"Fine. Where is he?"
"He's on the balcony" Nathan pointed to a row of seats above Noah. As if on cue, Alans head popped up. He vaulted over onto the battlefield. This was his time to shine. His three-paragraph training led to this moment. A battle of gods. Noah vs. Alan. Father vs. Son.
9: Final Destination
"But youre playing by my rules, of course." Nathan approached the gladiators with two nintendo labo swords presented on a satin cushion. They each took one. The master opened the rift to Final Destination, an arena consisting of a single platform with glowing purple accents, complemented by stars and galaxies drifting in the distance.
"Eight Minutes. Two Stock. We'll be watching from here." Noah entered the forbidden dominion first, Alan next.
Alan readied his stance. Knowing he couldnt win on offense, he raised the blade above his body, craned for defense, similar to a two-handed longsword R2.
Noah began to monolouge."Final Destination… a place of humble beginnings and torturous humiliation. Memories. I was trained here as a young lad. Nothing but the void to comfort me. It told me things. Beautiful lies. It swayed me from the path for so long… yet found its way back here. Thats why the search for celestial essence was so long. Embracing the hopeless vacuum of space meant forgetting my place, my rightful throne amongst men. But i was rejected. For what? Embracing untapped power? The lust for power afflicts all men. Even the righteous Nathan. He thinks he has home field advantage. But I have both the void…" He injected the golden vial stolen from Markas into his forearm. "... and celestial essence. I'll let you strike first."
What could Noah be possibly scheming? What was this void? The only thing he knew for sure was that there was no way Noah could handle the celestial essence… or could he? He was trained here, meaning that he mustve known how to control it. But he said he forgot. Its too late to assume anything. Any misstep would mean certain death.
Ready for a plunge, Alan released R2 and dove towards Noah, aiming towards the pectoralis. But Noah vanished. Alan was met by a sudden force to his lower femur. A sweep! Alan was on the floor, with Noah on top. "Like I said" Noah stabbed the labo sword into Alans cranium. "i have home field advantage." Alans existence perished. He reappeared at the opposite end of the stage. One stock. There was no way Alan could win. A draw maybe… but that means getting rid of Noahs extra life. Once again, Alan craned once again in a defensive stance.
"Turtling wont save you." said Noah, "I should know, only noobs use poise builds."
Noah attacked Alan with a flurry of jabs with the blade. Alan was barely managing with his celestial essence to pick up the difference. Each thrust was thrusted with exceptional thrust. Alan was in this situation before. He quickly sidestepped and parried with a down-tilt and leaned in close for the riposte. The sword was jammed into Noah to the hilt. Alan pushed Noah with his foot and the body spiraled off-stage. Noah appeared shortly after. Equal stock. 4 minutes left on the clock. Its all an endurance test from here.
Engulfed with korean pride, Noah sloppily hammered Alan with the blade. The move wasnt necessarily difficult to avoid, but once an attack landed, the sheer force from the void rendered Alan immobile. Noah continued his assault, using the labo sword as a hammer, nailing in Alans coffin. Each hit Noah increased his output and speed.
"NOBODY MAKES A FOOL OUT OF JOSEPH STALIN. I AM THE GOD OF THIS WORLD. THE TRUE HEIR TO THE THRONE. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. EVERY PLAN IS FOILED. YOUR FRIENDS ABANDONED YOU HERE. YOU WERE A MISTAKE FROM THE START. SO LET ME FINISH YOU OFF"
This next blow would tear Alan apart. "BEGONE, THO-" Noahs finishing move was interrupted with a blade thrust into his trachea. His attack wounded Alan slicing from his right clavicle to his 12th rib, but Alan was still kicking. Noah could barely comprehend words. He was gargling blood from his mouth.
"Youre probably wondering…" Alan said, removing Noahs Labo blade from his chest,"how am i still alive? Two things actually. For starters, in Kingdom Hearts if you pick the dream shield in the tutorial you learn Second Chance early-game, making bosses hella easier, and second," Alan took the remaining blade and sudokud Noah from his abdomen,"I predicted you wouldnt be able to use celestial essence to its fullest from that tiny vial. That means i knew you were on a time limit. 6 minutes, to be exact. I hate you to my core, but that doesnt mean i despise you." Alan kissed Noah, or what was left of him, on the forhead. He was still gurgling blood from his throat. "Aishiteru, Noah-kun."
"Noooagggh… mighh...boggghdyy. igggl… kigggghl…. Yugggh…. Iggl… " Noah was slowly dissolving, but the power of the void was preventing him from losing his stock.
They were returned to the real world. Alan was restored to full health while noah was reduces to a thick orange liquid. It was a matter of minutes until the State retreated to make do with what was left of their beloved leader. All was quiet amongst the residents of Eden. Alans friends were awestruck from the sudden sequences of events that transpired.
Nathan gave Alan a pat on the back."You have done us a great service, and Eden is forever in your debt."
"What happens now?"
"Our city was damaged, so we will be repairing. Noah'll be back. Fo shizzle. Until then we will need help, Markas and sam will need recovery assistance, and someone needs to do the heavy lifting."
"Do you guys have Roblox?" Albert asked.
"I have an account with like 1 million robux." Nathan said.
"I will go." Paul said excitedly.
"Those Robux are mine" Albert said.
"Did they give me D's or E's…" said Sam.
"Well I guess that's sorted out" Nathan said opening another rift that led back to Alans house. "In the meantime, the rest of you relax, take it easy."
The group said their final goodbyes and was back in Japan. Dawn was breaking from the mountains onto a clear sky. They were dumped onto the pavement.
"Alright boys," said Alan, "looks like we gotta go around saving the world. Anybody down for round two"
"Miss me with that shit" said Rian
"You fucking nuts?" said Ben
"I'll pass." said Michael as he used the world's command prompt to create a Helicopter and flew away.
And so they all wandered home, wherever home was. Alan sighed in relief. He had a rough night. The least he could do was take a load off and watch minecraft redstone tutorials for once. He deserved it.
*In Despacito Headquarters*
"How disappointing. Fine, I'll do this myself." uttered Jimmy Sheen as his left eye flares up with blue fire. He opened a gigantic door. The door revealed an army of unknown entities suspended in the air, with a syringe of familiar silver blood in each of their backs.
"Even in the face of destruction I am still a man of culture." Sheen uttered. "And a man of science as well. And men of science do not toy with the words of old outdated Demons. No… instead, we look to the future, to new powers and new resources, and find use for tools of all shapes and sizes, not live in a primitive, superstitious fear like that Naive shapeshifter."
Blue fire ran down Sheen's arm to six marbles in his hand. Jimmy crushes them, sending a shockwave over the crowd, freeing them of their bonds.