Title: The Three... No, Make it Four Stooges Meet Darth Vader
Author: Vek Talis
Genre: Humor/very VERY AU
Characters: Grand Moff Tarkin, Darth Vader, Larry, Moe, Curly, Shemp
Notes: What if it wasn't a farmboy from Tatooine who destroyed the first Death Star?
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars and never will.
Warning: If you don't like violent, physical comedy, then this isn't the story for you.
"Now, Gentlemen," the weird old scientist said when Larry, Moe and Curly, Three Guys Paperhangers stood in his parlor.
"Now, Gentlemen," he said again as Moe tried to pay attention. Curly and Larry, however, were fooling with the scientist's gadgets. "Please don't touch that, that's dangerous." He made as if to move to the rescue of his experiments, but Moe stopped him with a raised hand.
"Pardon me, Professor, I'll take care of this." Scowling, he grabbed Larry by the fuzzy hair.
"Ow!" Larry said, "lay off."
"And you, chowder head," Moe said, trying to grab Curly the same way.
"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk," Curly said. "Ain't as easy as all that, is it?"
"Wiseguy," Moe said and slapped him in the face.
Curly reached behind him, grasping the first item he laid a hand on. The glue brush smacked Moe in the face, tickled his nose.
His scowl deepening, Moe pulled a handful of hair from Larry's curls. "You knucklehead; look what you made me do!" he shouted as Larry screamed and grabbed at the side of his head.
"Gentlemen, please!" The scientist grabbed Moe and Curly by the necks, bopping their heads together. They all backed away and the scientist sighed. "Gentlemen, I only wanted you to wallpaper my bedroom, through this door." He gestured toward it. "Can you please paper my walls with something flowery? Daisies, perhaps?"
"Soitenly," Curly said, a lopsided grin on his face.
"You heard the Professor," Moe shouted in Larry's ear. "Get that glue and paper loaded in there." When Larry didn't move fast enough to suit him, he kicked his companion in the rear, pushing him forward. Larry struck the wall, then began rubbing the top of his head.
"He showed you, eh?" Curly said before flicking three of his fingers against his throat, making a hollow, musical sound.
"Here, hit this," Larry said, holding out his right fist. When Curly did, Larry's arm swung around like a Ferris Wheel until he bopped Curly on top of the head.
"Enough! Lamebrains," Moe said and got the boys moving.
"And remember," the scientist said sternly. "Whatever you do, don't touch my extra-trans-dimensional transporter. It's very sensitive."
"Don't worry, your Scientificness," Moe promised, "We wouldn't lay a hand on your extra-stupidositor." When the Stooge turned away from the scientist, he muttered to himself, "As if I know what an extra-dimestoreporter even looks like."
Larry and Curly were busy setting up their equipment. Rollers, bucket of glue, and an assortment of different styles of wallpaper were laid out and the boys were moving the scientist's bed.
"Well, now, what's this?" Moe said as, in the closet, something beeped. When he opened the door, instead of hanging clothes, he came face to beaker with a strange contraption. "Take a look, boys," he called to the others. There was a switch connected to some test tubes, connected to what looked like a battery.
When he flicked the switch, the test tubes, strange liquids inside, began to glow. Moe, Larry and Curly 'ooed' and 'ahhed' at the sight. Against the far wall of the closet, a point of light formed. It began to grow as they watched it.
"I wonder what that is?" Moe said, reaching for the wall. His hand passed right through it. Quickly, he pulled it back, and it was still there. "Whatta you think, boys?"
"I don't know," Larry said, backing away. "I think that's the Professor's Transylvanian Porter. We shouldn't mess with it." He accidentally stepped on one of the rolls of wallpaper that had fallen on the floor.
"Hey, Moe." Shemp, arriving late, opened the door to the bedroom. The door bumped into Larry, sending him careening into Moe, knocking them both through the strange, glowing wall. "I- Ech!" Shemp's words were cut off by what he saw. "I-I'm sorry, Moe," he said, but he also stepped on the roll of wallpaper and went head first into the glowing aperture before him.
Curly, having seen all this, yelled, "Hey, Moe, don't go through the transdermal-whasis without me!" He ran after his friends, falling through the wall... into another dimension.
Darth Vader stewed. Princess Leia hadn't divulged the location of an active rebel base, just as he'd thought. Grand Moff Tarkin was a jerk not to listen to him. "How to get back at that skinny cretin," mused the Dark Lord.
Alone in his chamber, he sat in the regeneration device, listening to the muzak version of 'Muskrat Love', when a pinpoint of light formed above him. "What the Sith?" he said, setting his helmet on his head. "If it's that little pixie again, I'll fry her." As he put on his cumbersome suit, the light began to grow. When he at last opened the chamber, the light was shaped like an oval mirror.
One, two, three, no four men dropped from the light. The last, and the largest, dropped heavily onto the one who looked like he wore a bowl on his head when he got his hair cut.
"What the-" Vader was about to choke them, when he suddenly had an idea. "What do you fellows do for a living?" he asked.
About an hour later, Grand Moff Tarkin headed to his office. There Vader stood, waiting for the fun to begin. "Ah, Lord Vader," the Moff intoned regally. "What brings you by? We've already tracked that despicable scoundrel's vessel to Yavin IV."
"I got you a surprise, Tarkin," Vader said menacingly.
"Oh, what could that be?" Tarkin liked surprises about as much as Vader did. That is to say, not at all.
"Come on in," Vader said. The door swooshed open. Inside, Moe, Larry, Curly and Shemp were setting up their equipment.
Coolly, Tarkin reached for the holdout blaster he carried in his boot. "Really, Lord Vader, you shouldn't have."
Moe turned his attention to the Grand Moff, saluting, though when he let his hand down from his forehead, he clocked Shemp in the back of the head. "Your Moffiness, sir," Moe said.
"Interesting," Tarkin said and glared at Vader. "What are they doing?"
"They're going to decorate your office," Vader said. "I suggest we leave them to it."
Once they were outside the office, Tarkin said, "You're getting back at me for blowing up Alderaan, aren't you?"
Vader pointed to where his nose would have been if it hadn't been burned off. "Right the first time."
Tarkin sighed and decided to take a bath.
Once the two bosses were gone, Moe turned to find Curly trying to move the Grand Moff's desk, which was bolted to the floor. "You lamebrain, can't you see it's nailed down!"
"Soitenly," Curly said. "Give me a hammer, Moe. I can pry it up so we can move it."
From the tool pouch, Moe pulled a hammer, tossed to Curly. The bald man yelped when it hit him on the head. "Watch what you're doing with that hammer," Moe admonished. "You don't want to damage this guy's furniture."
"Hey, Moe," Larry said. "Come over here." When Moe stood beside him, the fuzzy haired man said, "I'm going to lunch."
"No, you're not," Moe said. "You're gonna mix that glue so's we can put up the daisy wallpaper for His Moffiness."
Larry held up his hand and snapped his fingers in Moe's face. "That's what I think of that skinny guy. I'm going to lunch."
"No, you're not," Moe said, anger forcing his eyes to squint. He saw red when Larry turned away. Quickly, he reached into the tool chest, pulled out some pliers. "Hey, pretty boy," he said.
"Who, me?" Larry asked in sweetest tones. He turned around, only to have Moe grab his nose with the pliers. "Ow!"
Moe twisted his wrist, then slammed his left hand down on the pliers. Larry bent forward and yelped. With balled up fist, Moe cracked Larry in the forehead, making him stand upright again. Larry responded by trying to poke Moe's eyes, though Moe ducked. Shemp, who was coming their way to ask Moe a question, got the poke instead.
"Oh, my eyes, Moe. He poked my eyes, Moe."
A slap across Larry's face, and Moe pulled his fuzzy hair again. "Now are ya gonna get back to work?"
"No," Larry said.
"Oh, a wiseguy," Moe said and clonked Larry on the head with the pliers. "Now ya gonna get back to work?"
"Yes," Larry said and went away, rubbing his head.
Pointing and laughing, Shemp glanced over at Moe, who was still far from happy. "You clocked him good, Moe."
The pliers leaped up to Shemp's nose, twisting while the older man stammered. "Oh, you think that's funny, eh?" Moe asked. He hit Shemp in the stomach, then when he bent over, he clocked him in the forehead.
Shemp staggered back, bumping into Curly, who was having a hard time getting the bolts up from Tarkin's desk. Curly fell forward, onto the desk. "What gives?" he asked. When he got up, he smacked Shemp on top of the head.
"Don't you start," Shemp said, and grabbed for Curly's hair. When that didn't work, he held out his right hand, fingers extended. "Care to pick two?" he asked nonchalantly.
"Soitenly." Curly pointed to Shemp's index and middle fingers. When Shemp tried to poke Curly's eyes, Curly raised his hand vertically, to block it. "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk," he said, pleased with himself.
By now, Moe had had enough. He smacked both men in the backs of the heads. They lunged forward, bumping heads. Moe smacked Curly, twisted Shemp's nose, then held out his fist. "Hit this, chowder head," he said to Curly. When Curly did, his arm rotated around, first striking Shemp on the chin, then landing on Curly's head.
Then, Moe said, "Get this desk moved, knuckleheads, we gotta get this paper hung."
Of course, Curly still had the hammer in his hand. He tried to knock Moe over the head with it, but Moe walked over toward Larry, who was eating his sandwich instead of mixing glue. The hammer slammed into Tarkin's desk, destroying the crazy lights and buttons on it.
"That's it, Lamebrain," Moe said. "Now look what you done."
Suddenly, red lights began to appear and an alarming sound rang out throughout the entire place. "Oh, now we're in for it," Shemp said. "That Mister Dark Helmet guy sure is gonna be mad. What're we gonna do, Moe?"
"We gotta fix this thing," Moe said with his usual aplomb. "There's gotta be a storehouse for these watchamagadgets. Let's find some wires and buttons and put this place back together."
Out in the hallway, guys in ridiculous costumes of white and black plastic ran to and fro. Other guys in equally crazy plastic outfits of mostly black also ran around. Machines rolled by, bleeping and whirring.
"You'd think we broke the whole outfit," Curly said. He stopped one of the fellows. "Honest, we didn't mean to break the table. We'll fix it."
"We're responding to an attack by the Rebel Alliance," the fellow dressed in black said. "I've got to get to my TIE fighter."
"Just tell us where we get supplies," Moe said and the guy pointed toward a set of double doors, down the long hallway. "Get moving, you three," Moe said and they got.
When they reached the double doors, they opened, but no elevator was there. "I guess we gotta climb down these ropes ourselves," Larry said.
"Well, get climbing," Moe said, shoving first Curly, then Larry toward the shaft.
"I'm going, I'm going," Shemp said.
As they shimmied down the steel cables, a funny feeling came over Moe. "Ya know, I think I feel this here cable vibrating."
"Me, too," Curly said.
In unison, they all looked up. An elevator car was descending rapidly toward them. All screaming, they let go of the cables, plummeting downwards. Fortunately, another car was coming up at the same time, and it broke their fall.
At last, they climbed out of the elevator at the end of the line. They were in a large room with strange lights. "What did that guy call this place... the reactor?" Larry asked.
"What's it react to?" Curly asked.
"You, ya lamebrain," Moe said and smacked him in the face.
Now Curly began to growl and beat his chest. He'd had enough. He pulled Moe's hair, smacked him in the face, then made his hand flutter in an unseen breeze, raising it up, up, up, while Moe's eyes followed it. When he stopped, Moe's head kept bobbing up and down for a moment before he snapped out of it.
"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk," Curly said.
"Hey, I think I found something," Larry said, opening a panel with some controls inside.
"Are ya done?" Moe asked Curly.
"Soitenly," Curly said.
In response, Moe grabbed him by the nose, bopping his left hand down across his right. Curly stuck out his tongue and Moe grabbed it, yanked on it. Then, his fist balled, he whacked Curly in the stomach, then on top of the head.
"Hey, leave him alone," Shemp said, coming to Curly's rescue. Moe ducked, just as Curly swung the hammer he still carried. "Ow," Shemp said when the hammer cracked him in the side of his head.
"I'm sorry, Shemp," Curly said. "I'm a victim of soicumstance."
"I'll show you circumstance," Shemp said and stepped toward Curly.
Before he could do anything, however, Moe knocked both of their heads together. Curly backed up, his arms swinging wildly. He bumped into Larry, who in turn flipped a few of the switches on the control panel. The strange, swirling lights in the room began to turn red and the place began to rumble and shake.
Out in his TIE fighter, Darth Vader watched the Death Star as he careened out of control. The stupid scoundrel had returned, blindsiding him with a blast that destroyed his wingman. That stupid farmboy thought he could destroy the Death Star with a simple proton torpedo? "Do you really think the Emperor would leak accurate information?" he wondered aloud as he tried to right his attitude control.
Suddenly, just as the Death Star was ready to fire, it exploded into a billion shimmering pieces. "What the Sith?" Vader said. "I wonder how that happened?" Control restored, he piloted his ship away, wondering how long it would take him to reach a friendly port.