Darkness. Darkness is the only brightness to shine from an abyss of emptiness and no sense of faith. Darkness can allow you to reflect on your actions… For without lasagna, there is no Garfield.
For without lasagna, there is no Garfield.
As vast reaches of space pass by Garfield like bystanders, he stays speechless and lets his wandered body rotate around like some glistened rotisserie chicken from Boston Market. No thoughts run into his mind, no passions and no hunger. He has fulfilled his purpose, though there is nothing for him to strive and move on with his life. As lasagna IS his motivation. His love.
A man casually whistles while he walks up and down mowing his space lawn like nothing has happened in the past hours, until he sees Garfield floating around like orange sponge of edgy sadness from 2000's edgy emo band Papa Roach.
"Bwah! Garfield! Hwat are you doing out here in space?!" screamed his old pal Hank Hill from the show King of the Hill.
"Fuck. Is that you Colonel Hank?" Garfield snaps himself back together as he looks up at Hank, who is now in his arms.
"Yee-up. And retired. Now let's get you inside or else you'll die of Space Hyperthermia." says Hank as he runs back inside to his space home with Garfield.
Hank lays Garfield on his cozy couch and hospitalizes him with his Texas style hospitalizing. A cold wet rag over the head and a fresh bottle of baked beans to drink.
"So uh, What happened to the Star Wars universe Garfield? Ate the Last Lasagna?" Hank said thanks to his obvious knowledge of the Star Wars Universe Lore. Garfield nods in reply. "Yes. But I don't know what to do. I guess I'll return to my daily pleasures of pillaging the homes of Stormtroopers back at Star Killer Base."
"Well, what if I told you that there could be another Last Lasagna. And it wasn't Reymundo or whatever that girl's name is." Hank guesses at whatever Rey's name is.
"Where Hank. Where?" Garfield demands as he slowly stands up with eagerness. Ready to kick ass once again, but doesn't feel right.
"Heh heh, calm down big cat, You need to get some rest, I tell ya hwat. I know a friend who can get us to the REAL Last Lasagna." Said Hank. Until suddenly, he checks out Garfield's once swollen body of muscle and testosterone, now witnessing slight love handles around his 12-pack abdominals. "Oh God Garfield, You're starting to look like horribly trimmed Rib Eye Steaks." Hank says with scared.
"What?" Garfield says, looking back at a mirror seeing his regressed body image. "Oh No."
Out of the Blue, a group of horny alien women stroll by Hank's house in space. Garfield sprints outside to pursue them.
"Ladies! Cum inside and ejaculate this cat's fragile ego with a heart warming welcome." Garfield sways at the ladies and winks.
The absolute harem of alien women check out his orange body in lustful heat until seeing his muffin top.
"EWWWWW! Who would want to have sex with that!?" The fuck nuggets say in unison as Garfield's manhood decreases in size from their humiliating comments.
"Space Sluts come back!" Garfield pleads for the first time in his life. He manly pouts and kicks off a pebble at least 10,000 yards away. He sits down on the side of the space curb with disbelief on his mind.
Hank walks up to the orange cat and sits next to him, gently patting on his shoulder.
"Ya know hwat Garfield, every man has to go through their mid life crisis." Hank fathers Garfield like Jon never could.
"It's not! I have so much to eat still!" whimpers Garfield in a very manly roar that doesn't express any insecurities whatsoever because he is still an impenetrable force to be reckoned with.
"Alright Garfield, then let's get your powers back. My friend's house is about many parsecs away from my house. It would take an entire Journey's length to walk over to his place."
Hank looks right across the street to see his friend's house is actually very close than normal.
"That's right, the galaxy's gone."
Hank and Garfield walk up to the porch of what seems to be a highly guarded house like castle. Hank knocks on the door. A blue skinned man wearing a decorated imperial officer's uniform with an apron wrapped around himself stands in front. It was none other than Hank's old friend, Grand Admiral Thrawn.
"Hello Mr. Hill, I wasn't expecting you at the front of my Chiss Ascendancy home which is located in the unknown galaxy that is Star Wars. Which is totally not connected to the actual Galaxy.." Introduced Thrawn.
"Thrawn, didn't you realize you don't have a front lawn?"
Thrawn looks around the emptiness.
"Was there even one to begin with- GARFIELD! Well assassinate me when I'm not looking with a Noghri bodyguard. Is that really you?" Thrawn asks with concern.
Garfield belches instinctively.
"I remember you when I was at the big football game in high school. I was the opposing team's water boy. They used to bully me and give me names like 'Blue Gatorade' because of my blue skin. It wasn't even creative either. They made me their little pussy boy Garfield." Thrawn says in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder moment. "But once I chose to be a General that night, I sworn to have my revenge on those degenerates once and for all."
"Whoa. Don't have a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Moment." Garfield says with delayed timing.
Thrawn continues to rant. "And once our high school reunion occurred only a few years ago, I ordered a Base Delta Zero at the target where all my enemies socialized! Everyone was eradicated! ALL OF THEM!" Thrawn roars out in excitement as he notices a raging bulge from his apron. "Excuse me gentlemen, but I need a quickie from a Noghri." Thrawn immediately shuts his front door for a few minutes as agonizing whelping could be heard in his house. "Please! Make yourselves at home." Thrawn greets the two after he fixed his needs.
Hank and Garfield walk inside Thrawn's clean ass house.
Thrawn goes to the kitchen and makes some fucking cool ass tea (like seriously, it's actually cool. Not hot).
"You're tea is pretty damn cold Thrawn. Who made this? Jon?" Garfield jokes.
No one laughs at his joke.
"Was it sexist or something? Because it's Jon, okay?" Garfield tries to explain his joke.
No one laughs still.
"Buh, it's worse than I thought." Hank continues the story. "Thrawn we need your help. We gotta get my pal Garfield's manliness back. He's getting worse by the second!"
Garfield belches again whilst staring at the ceiling.
"Wait….aren't you a Grand Admiral?" Garfield asks Thrawn in slurred talk.
"Of course not! That's my full name! See, look." explains Thrawn as he pulls out his driver's license. Full Name: "General" Grand Admiral Thrawn.
"So let me get this straight. First name, Grand. Middle name, Admiral. Last name, Thrawn?" Garfield confusingly ask a confused question. Confuse.
"Yes!" Replies General Grand Admiral Thrawn.
"Sounds good to me."
Suddenly, a knock is heard at the door. "I'll get it." Hank said as he casually opens the door and reveals to appear a heavily mechanized exo suit armed to the teeth with a familiar head only Garfield could recognize. It was Steven Crowder's head sewn onto the exo suit with perfection.
Garfield immediately fangasms from the sight of Steven's appearance.
"Woah. If it isn't my K-pop liberal crusher, hilarious comedian and preferred pickup artist, Steven Crowder. I love your show." Garfield says.
"Thanks. But I gotta kill you Garfield! You didn't pay me enough money on my website. Now I must PizzaGate™ you!" Steven exhorts with the snorts.
"Oh no, I'm not ready to be whitehouse." says Garfield. "I will choose not to kill you… yet, Mr. Chowder."
"What a shame. You see, I was hired by a very… VERY important man to kill you. Also, what the hell happened to you Garfield? You really let yourself go. Like all liberals do." Steven Crowder Crowder's on at Garfield.
"Liberal?" Garfield says as he looks down at his once glamorous hot dime bod, now resembles hot lard on a street.
"I don't know what you meant about my six pack, but I assure you, I'm going to molest your brain for that comment." Garfield threatens at Steven, which impacts some fear into him like a lame haunted house Jon made on Christmas.
"Your powers are fading Garfield, I tell ya hwat." Says hank in spectator.
"And scientifically speaking, in facts! That is particularly correct what your friend is saying, Garfield. I mean, it's honestly pretty stupid for a stud cat to lose his powers to a Mary Sue jedi who loves Socialism. Am I right folks?" Steven Crowder comedies on with droid army audience pointing and laughing at Garfield as a chance to hurt him at his weakest.
"Enough of this left leaning social commentary," Garfield said in a way a fish gets away from its captor like ice cream that fell from its scoop or maybe a slave that escaped his master's cotton fields in Egypt. Yes. There are cotton fields in Egypt and I have done my research. Check the labels. And no, They're usually not from China you inbred Dumbass. Yeah that's right, I called YOU The Reader, a dumbass and you can't do anything about it. Enjoy your story, fucktard. "Let's get fighting!" Garfield roars like purring kitten on a monday.
Garfield tries to initiate his One Punch Man like abilities but Crowder easily counters it by gently pushing against his fist with the might of his powerful pinky finger.
"What in the lasagna loving lord?" Garfield responds.
Hank interrupts with political heckling. "That's what I've been trying to tell ya, ya ignoramus. Since your power of sexy cat looks is fading, so are your abilities. Try this!" Hank tosses Garfield a red Alkaseltzer.
"What in the crippled gang bang is this?" Garfield quips with a question.
"Swallow it like you swallow your coffee!" Hank barks aloud.
"I don't swallow." Garfield squints his eyes with badass epicness, "I Slarm it." He says as he chokes on the sewer lid sized alkaselter tablet WITHOUT any water to drink
It starts to bubble inside him as familiar tastes of marinara, five cheeses, 3 layers of pasta and a fat ass pound of ground beef. The bubbles empower his muscles and bring him to full power. "Lasagna... Cool Beans." Garfield makes everyone cringe in the room.
"That tablet should keep you powered for a short time, I tell ya hwat!" Screamed Hank in helpfulness to the story.
Thrawn runs up to Garfield to whisper into his ear, "Okay Garfield, I couldn't stop staring at Steven Crowder's bulging forehead and realized there's something reflecting it and pointing to something. My intellect suggests you should punch his soft spot. Get what I mean? Kapeesh?" Thrawn winks at Garfield.
"I don't need any hindsight for my fists. It'll be just like Nagasaki and Hiroshima all over again, Giving him one blast at a time." Garfield wars on as he attempts to do a jump kick but gives a light finger flick to the top of Crowder's head. The force of the impact was so immense, the nail scalped him immediately and the finger removed the top of his skull in one clean cut.
Crowder laughs with confidence only to reveal an impenetrable force field protecting his brain. "Ha Garfield! I knew you would attack my obviously weak baby soft spot! Thankfully, my brain is invunerable to such pathetic blows to my mind. Which cannot be changed." Crowder cackles.
Garfield spits out a river of saliva on the ground to give his reply.
"Eat poop you h*ck face."
A collective ooo fills the room and embarrasses Crowder, his face growing flushed in the cheeks and from the blood loss. Those words were a voice activated password to shut down the forcefield.
"Garfield… how did you know my real weakness?" asked Crowder with shock.
"Simple, I got ahead of you." Garfield smirks with witty as he gropes Crowder's pulsating brain in his hidden off-hand.
"Well god damn it, Garfield. You're the only cat who changed my mind. Literally." Steven expresses in last words. Making his entity explode into fine bread crumbs meant as lasagna garnish.
Garfield does one and a half kickflips with the top of Steven's brain, "Back to the Shadow Realm with you and don't ever come back." Garfield gloats with raging masculinity of the male gender who are the alpha species.
Crowder becomes enveloped by the shadow realm and gives Garfield 500 experience points.
Garfield feels heavy as his gut distends and show his body becoming worse."We need to hurry…" General Thrawn hurries with exposition.
"We can escort Garfield into my personal star destroyer. The Chimera." Thrawn tells Hank as it's parked in the garage.
Thrawn runs into the garage while Hank carries Garfield like styrofoam.
The group flies away as an ominous voice erupts the soundless depth of space. Garfield wakes up from hearing the rumbling of the voice.
"GARFIELD. GARFIELD... I HAVE RETURNED FROM MANY TIMELINES AND EONS TO BRING YOU BACK HOME. WHERE YOU TRULY BELONG." said the voice.
"HEAR MY VOICE GARFIELD. OR YOU SHALL FACE MY WRATH, PERSONALLY. THAT IS ALL. SEE YA FOLKS." The voice fades away.
"What in the open carry state of Texas was that?" Hank says.
"It sounds familiar, but it can't be?" Garfield ponders as he blacks out again like drinking alcohol-free beer.
In his temporary coma, a glowing force appears in front of Garfield's presence.
"Hey Garfield, long time no see since Scarif, huh bud?" said the silhouetted man in jedi robes and wearing boots for his hands.
"By Jon's name, Kenny?" Garfield stares into the blinding light.
"Well, duh. Who ELSE would it be Garfield?" Said Kenny from The Bee Movie with funnier jokes. "But Check this out Garfield. I'm wearing robes! That means I don't have to wear any undergarments while I go to the bathroom. Isn't that cool?"
"I see you're still the same high school peaked jock that hasn't changed." Garfield murmurs with nerd talk.
"Hold on compadre. I'm pissing right now. But that's not what I'm here for. What I'm actually here for is to tell you something only YOU can hear." Ken says in serious TED talk.
"And what's that?" Said Garfield.
"You gotta spark a new fire! You have to make yourself another destiny, you dingleberry!" Roars Kenny's passionate fury for his old high school buddy. "Or else if you don't You'll never amount to anything, something your old self would never want." Kenny finishes his last words as he fades once again into the darkness of Garfield's mind. The orange feline regains his consciousness and wakes up, looking up to see the inside of Thrawn's Chimera to be on fire while he and Hank are on the ground covered with bruises and cuts.
Garfield looks over to only see a beefed man wearing black tights to match with his long black hair.
"Kylo? I thought I ate you." Garfield quickly checks through his Weight Watchers journal in disinterest.
"I escaped from the poo poo and came back for revenge!" Grinned the new sexy sinister Kylo Ren.
"Your revenge will only end in the bottom of my belly once more, Benny" Dad jokes Garfield.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT YOU CUUUUUUUUUUUU-" screeched Kylo, running his lightsaber over his head.
"Whoops, better respect women ya unnecessarily edgy character." Garfield says in ironic fashion as if he too cared about women, which he does. Garfield lashes his tongue like a whip to disarm Kylo and returns to punch him in his hard to find wrapping him around his waist.
Kylo's face turns purple as he whines about his boo boo beads.
Garfield launches Kylo Ren into his Gullet but holds onto the Cat's luscious lips. He cries out in sultry sadness but ends up smiling.
"Why are you jerker of tears?" Garfield asks in even more confusion.
"It's cause you played right into His hands, Garfield…" Kylo Ren replies.
"Who are you talking about? Why did you capitalize that H?" Garfield ponders as he read the fanfic.
Kylo starts to hysterically laugh as he lets go and slides down Garfield's throat.
A long shadow casts over Garfield and nearly blocks all the light as he stares on to see the Chimera being crushed by two large hands. The ship contorts and buckles under the pressure and bursts into flame like the time Garfield tried to microwave Jon's lithium battery with 10 settings of pulsation made of machine washable natural fiber vibrator. The hands rip the ship in half and through the middle descends a massive silhouette head that speaks to Garfield while he floats in space.
"GARFIELD, YOU MUST BE RETURNED. I MUST TAKE YOU WHERE YOU BELONG!" Said the same voice from earlier. Garfield reels in horror as one of the large hands reach for him with long, ink dropping fingernails.
Garfield suddenly wakes up again, only this time seeing Thrawn and Hank to be okay while the two make a space campfire. They rush over to the fat cat laying on the ground. "Garfield what did you see? I can calculate you had some kind of vision." Thrawn spoke with intelligence of smart dog who is good boy. Yes he is.
Garfield in utter shock can only hold his head and belch. He seemed so familiar. Where has he seen him from? "My God…"
"What happened Garfield? Boy you look as stuffed as Bill's Thanksgiving Turkey. In fact, you look just like it. That just ain't right." said Hank as he wretches in throw up juice.
"I...I think I know who's after me." Garfield said with slight panic.
All of a sudden, Kylo Ren does come for Garfield by falling down from underground, covered in dirt and vaginal juices from all the women he had sex with. "GARFIELD, I HAVE COME FOR YOU, FOR REAL THIS TIME!" Ben yells with slightly lowered voice to sound edgier with his high pitched voice.
"Kylo?! How did you know-"
"Force visions Garfield! I created an elaborate force vision to cloud your mind to think that you've won. You see, when I was in your smelly butthole, I gained some of your powers and now the fertile women love me like Anti-Hero badass I am." Kylo Ren flexes his muscles to flamboyantly.
Hank and Thrawn immediately step in front of Garfield's way to protect him. "If you wanna get through him. You'll have to get passed us ya bozo!" Hank says in battle ready.
Without any hesitation, Kylo force chokes the two and forces them to kiss each other. "HA! KISS YOU GAY FUCKWADS" Kylo laughs.
"Ew! This is really awkward and gross! Garfield, fucking help us!" Thrawn screams like angsty teenage girl does into her pillow.
"Garfield! God dang it do something!" Hank yells as Kylo Ren shocks them with force lightning. He laughs evilly and stares directly into Garfield's eyes.
"I've been waiting for this for a very long time Garfield… oh does it feel so good." Ben pulsates his big muscles of swoleness.
Garfield on the other hand looking super fat and short as he totally appears different than his former stud self. He tries to lift his paw to cover his eyes from the forced diversity taking place in his universe.
"GARFIELD, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR HAND UP LIKE THAT? ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU'RE A GAY RACIST?!" Kylo Ren screeches.
"...Almost." Garfield smirks with open minded philosophy as his now legendary Lasagnasaber rises from his fingernail like Wolverine and ignites his weapon. He lazily rolls over on his knees and elbows, pushing himself up with his tail.
"Oh Allah, what is he doing?!" Kylo Ren question at the kissing fuckwads.
"Can't you see, Kylo?" Thrawn expositions again, just in time, "he's powering up his Curry Night Aft Cannon! Or C.N.A.C for short."
"I'm gonna tear your asshole inside out like I did to the Yuuzhan Vong. With my asshole!" Garfield cracks his knuckles and saber as if he's giving knuckle sandwich to school bully.
Garfield sticks the saber into his bum hole and with a slight grunt he grabs his tail and gives it a heavy tug. Instantly the curry gas built up in Garfield's colon combusts and hurls the activated Lasangasaber straight into Kylo Ren's chest, ingesting it whole like Odie's shit stains on a monday.
Ben Swolo grins with satisfaction while the saber is inside him. "You see Garfield, I still knew you were going to kill me, regardless of your stupid actions."
"Well I f*cked your mom shitbrains." Garfield says with edgy 13 year old vocabulary.
"Wait a sec? Did you actu-" Kylo is interrupted and explodes from Garfield's weapon of insecure masculinity which is called in some circles the Lasagnasaber. A skyscraper sized figure emerges from the shadows of space to reveal himself.
"GARFIELD! BEN SOLO TOLD ME YOU WERE HERE. I AM SO GLAD TO REUNITE WITH YOU AGAIN. MY CREATION. MY CHILD." The tall balding man kneels with comforting greetings as it was none other than Garfield's true creator. Jim Davis.
"Oh fuck." Garfield. Shits. Pant.
"YES. AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR US TO GO HOME." Mr. Jim Davis told Garfield as he picks him up with his enlarged hands of meat sauce.
Thrawn and Hank scream and plead Jim to not take Garfield away.
Hank gives crying puppy eyes of worry, telling Jim Davis, "Please giant balding man, do not take our friend Garfield to where ever sick twisted places-"
Jim Davis doesn't give them a second look as he snaps his fingers and they turn to dust.
"HAHAHA. THANOS JIM DAVIS. DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE GARFIELD?" Jim Davis laughs out loud.
Garfield rolls his eyes, "Yes, Jim, you're very original."
"I KNOW. VERY ORIGINAL AND HILARIOUS. NOW LET US GO HOME."
Jim Davis does some Naruto Jutsu hand signs to open a bright blue portal from another dimension. Step by step, Garfield's creator walks inside the void as Garfield himself begins to fade out once again in a coma.
Returning into Garfield's mind, Another voice is heard in the bleak distance of darkness. "God damn, Garfield ya got Spherical, SPHERICAL." Once again, his consciousness becomes aware while he too awakes from his soft coma. However, he is not within Mr. Davis's grasp any longer as he seems to see nobody in his sight where it is only four colorful painted walls and an opened door that leads to the next room. Garfield feels his lips pressed tightly against a smoking pipe that was already lit. In another room, a voice can be heard in the distance.
"Now where could my pipe be?" Jon said after searching his desk for his smoke.