Later that afternoon Simon sat with Jim in the loft. They were both tired. But Simon was reluctant to leave Jim alone.

"Simon I don't know how to fix this. God I've been such an ass. How could I say all those terrible things to Blair? I need a partner I can trust. !" Jim mimicked his own words. "God I'd be in an institution now or dead if it weren't for Blair."

"Have you tried to call him?"

"No, I don't know what I'd say."

"How about I'm sorry for starters."

"Simon…." He was interrupted by a knock at the door. He got up and opened it.

"I've got a package for Mr. Ellison."

Jim signed for the package and brought it by Simon setting it on the coffee table.

"It's from Blair."

Jim looked at the package like it would take a hand off if he tried to open it.

"Well are you going to open it or not?"

"Simon I don't think I can."

Simon sighed and got up. He pulled the box open. He looked at the contents confused. He picked up the letter and read it aloud. Jim could smell the salty tears that had fallen upon the letter as it was written. He could picture Blair crying as he wrote it. As Simon read the letter cold fear gripped Jim.

"Oh dear god…..Simon we have to find him. I have to speak to him. Make him understand."

Jim looked up and Simon was already on the phone.

"This is Captain Banks. I need and A.P.B. on a green Volvo license…." Simon's words drifted as Jim read the letter again. The words were like a punch to his gut. "I'm leaving this life…" Please don't let it mean what I think. Oh god Blair what have I done to you. Please god please let me find him.

Turns out Blair didn't have enough money to send the package and fill the Volvo. He paid for the package and put what was left into the gas tank. He was parked on the side of the road. The gas having run out sooner than he thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 10 more miles and he would have been out of Cascade. Oh well it didn't matter now. Oh man he felt awful. He knew he had a fever. His chest felt tight and he was so congested he was having trouble breathing. As he pulled out the prescription bottles he was struck with a coughing fit. Soon he thought no more pain… more loneliness. No one would miss him anyway. Well maybe Naomi. But she had her circle of friends that would help her thought it. She would be o.k. She always manages to land on her feet. His one regret was that he would not hear her voice one more time. Speak to her one last time. He looked at the letter addressed to her on the dashboard. He opened the first bottle and slowly swallowed every pill with a bottle of water from his backpack. Then he started on the second bottle. Just to make sure. Then he leaned back and let the tears fall. He cried until he fell asleep. This is it he thought. His last thought before darkness claimed him was if Jim.

"Goodbye Jim." He whispered. Oblivion.

Jim sat in Simon's office feeling helpless and useless. He jumped as the phone rang.

Simon's large dark hand snatched it up in a flash.

"Banks." He shouted. He listened then said. "Were on our way."

Jim stood up so quickly he almost knocked the chair over. Simon looked at Jim. God this is gonna kill him he thought.

"A patrol car found Blair's Volvo parked on the side of the road heading out of Cascade. It was out of gas. Blair was unconscious. They found two empty prescription bottles in his lap. He is still alive. They're taking him to Cascade General. We can beat them there. I'm driving Jim."

As Simon predicted they arrived before the ambulance. Jim paced until the ambulance pulled up. He stood by helplessly as they wheeled Blair in. God he looked so pale. Jim could feel the heat coming off the young man in waves.

"God Simon, this is all my fault."

Damn it Jim you wanna hold off on the guilt and pity party. Blair is going to need all the support he can get right now. He is going to need all of us."

"What can I do?"

"Start praying."

It felt like hours had passed before a doctor came out to speak to them. The same doctor it turns out that treated Blair when he drowned.

"Are you hear for Mr. Sandburg?"

Simon and Jim jumped up.

"Yes, yes, Dr. Burden right?"

The doctor seemed surprised that Jim remembered his name.

"Yes, that's right."

"Is Blair going to be alright?" Jim asked worriedly.

"Come let's go somewhere more private."

He brought them to the staff lounge.

"Please have a seat."

They all sat closely. Jim was terrified. Please, please, please let him be alright. Were the only thoughts through Jim's mind.

"Well Mr. Sandburg ingested two very powerful bottles of prescription drugs. We've pumped his stomach and given him charcoal for what we may have missed. The problem is we don't know how long it was in his system before he was found. He also has pneumonia. His fever is pretty high its 104 were trying to get it down now."

Simon closed his eyes…..and asked almost in a whisper.

"Will he be alright?"

"Honestly, I don't know yet. He was nowhere near recovered from his drowning incident. If he makes it though the next 24hrs he's got a good shot of making a full recovery. Then we can see if the drugs did any damage."

"Damage." Both Simon and Jim said in union.

"Yes, like I said we don't know how long it was in his system before he was found. It could have caused brain damage, damage to fine motor skills, among other things. But let's take this one step at a time. Let's get through the next 24hrs."

"Can I see him?" Jim was beside himself.

The doctor looked at Jim's face. The worry, the sorrow and heartbreak all clear on his face.

"Actually it might help. Come on I'll take you to his room."

Simon squeezed Jim's shoulder. "Keep me informed."

"Yea Simon.. Thanks. "

"Hey I care about the kid too."

"I know Simon. I know." Jim said his eyes filled with unshed tears.

Anxiety filled Jim as he neared Blair's room. Jim was stunned when he finally saw Blair. He looked so small and frail lying in the hospital bed. God he is so pale. The heart monitor beeped in the background. An oxygen mask covered Blair's face. An I.V. ran in to his hand. *God Blair I am so sorry.* Jim pulled a chair close and sat by Blair's bed. He leaned forward and put his hand on Blair's forehead.

"Please Chief, " he whispered "please be o.k."

Time passed yet there was no change in Blair. Jim kept his hands constantly on Blair. Holding his hand, stroking his forehead, petting his hair. Jim squeezed Blair's shoulder as he sensed a change in Blair.

"Chief?" He said softly. "Can you hear me Chief?"

The monitor suddenly went crazy as Blair stiffened and went into a seizure. Cold terror gripped Jim he shot up and ran to the door.

"Help! Help! I need a doctor in here!"

The room filled in seconds with hospital staff. Jim was pushed out into the hallway. Never in his life did he feel so helpless.

God I'll find a way to make this up to you but please be alright. Jim looked up and saw the grim face of Captain Banks walking towards him.

"Simon I thought you went home."

"No, not yet. How's the kid?"

"Not good. Simon he just went into a seizure. I just don't know. The doctor is in with him now."

Simon didn't want to tell Jim this it was going to kill him. But he had to find out sooner or later.


"Yea," Jim really didn't like the look on Simon's face and he had a feeling he wasn't going to like what he was about to say.

"I called the University and spoke to Chancellor Edwards." Simon said her name with a sneer. " I wanted to tell her what happened to Blair and to get his classes and responsibilities covered. Well turns out he's been suspended."

Jim was shocked SUSPENDED! Then Jim exploded.


"Well she said it was mostly because of his absences and she said he his responsibilities to the University were second to the P.D. Also she said he has yet to hand in any part of his dissertation and then flipped when Blair told her he wanted to change his topic to something along the lines of the police force. But she said his little trip to Mexico was the final straw and he is suspended until the dissertation committee can meet. God what a mess."

Jim couldn't speak. Blair did this because he felt he lost everything. Guilt swept through Jim.

"Simon this is all my fault."

"Hang on there Jim, I'm just as guilty. I always forget that Blair has a job with the University. I just expect him to be at the station. To be your partner." He sighed disgusted with himself. They both looked up when the doctor came out.

"How is he? Is he going to be o.k? What caused this seizure?"

"Relax Detective. He's stable for now. Look you have to remember that Mr. Sandburg overdosed on two very powerful drugs. Frankly I'm not all that surprised at this seizure. But he is stable now. Why don't you go home and get some rest. I doubt he'll wake up at all tonight. You look like you're about to fall flat on your back."

"Actually I'd like to stay here. Keep an eye on him. I want to be here when he wakes up."

"Like I said I doubt he'll wake up tonight. You really should go home and rest. Mr. Sandburg is going to need a lot of support and you won't do him any good if you collapse from exhaustion. So go home and rest Detective. Mr. Sandburg will be with us for a while."

Jim looked confused.

"You just said he was stable. How long will he be here?"

"Detective surely you know that when a suicide attempt is brought in we are to hold and evaluate them in the phyciatrict ward for 30 days at least until we feel he is not a danger to himself or anyone else for that matter."

Jim paled.

"Doctor Blair can't stay here for that amount of time. Especially in the psychiatric ward."

"Jim," Simon tried to interrupt.

"No Simon. He can't take that! Especially not after all he's been through." Jim turned to the doctor. " Sir can you release him into my care."

"Detective he attempted suicide and he almost succeeded. He needs help. He needs to be watched so he doesn't try it again."

"Please Doctor I can do this. I'll sign anything. And I can make sure I'm with him for 24/7. Please I'm begging you not to do this to Blair."

Dr. Burden felt torn. But he saw the look on Jim's face and somehow he knew that Jim would do anything for Blair.

"Well ….I guess I can release him into your care. You're sure you'll be able to be with him 24/7 and make sure he takes his meds and sees a therapist."

"Yes.! Yes to all even if I have to cram the meds down his throat."

"Fine we'll discuss this further when Mr. Sandburg wakes up."

Jim felt relieved. "Thanks Doc."

"Now Detective go home," he smiled kindly "and get some rest."

"If Blair wakes up…."

"You'll be called immediately."

Jim smiled. "Thank you".

"Come on Jim," Simon tugged on Jim's arm "I'll drive you home."

The next morning…..

Blair wanted to stay in the darkness. He felt numb. He didn't want to come out of his save haven…But the constant beating was so annoying and was pulling him out of a deep sleep. But the constant beeping was annoying. What the hell is that he thought anyway. But something else was pulling him out of the deep sleep. It sounded like a voice. NO, NO, NO! I want to stay here. I don't have to worry or think or do anything here. Please leave me here.


That voice sounded familiar.

"Go…a…away." Blair said weakly not realizing he spoke out loud.

Jim jumped to his feet. One hand on Blair's forehead the other grasping his hand. He hadn't gotten much sleep last night and came back as soon as the hospital allowed him to. But Blair was still unconscious then. But he was coming to now. Blair could tell him to go fuck himself and that would be fine so long as he woke up.


Blair slowly opened heavy lids. He couldn't make out anything at first. A blur came into his view. His vision started to clear and the first thing he noticed were the blue eyes that stared into his own. Blair groaned and closed his eyes.

"Blair…..please Chief open your eyes."

Blair opened his eyes. "What am I doing here Jim?

"What are you doing here?" Jim echoed his question.

"Chief ….God….why….Blair why did you try to…..try to….."

"Just putting things the way they were suppose to be Jim."

"I don't understand."

"You never should have brought me back Jim. I wished you just left me alone and let me have stayed dead."

Jim felt like he had been sucker punched. He let go of his pain and let the tears fall.

"Please Blair, please don't talk like that. I'm so sorry. I never should have kicked you out. We really have to talk buddy."

Blair laughed.

"Buddy. Huh?"

"What's so funny?"

"You made your choice Jim."

"Chief I don't understand….."

"You should be with Alex. You had no trouble falling all over yourself for her in Mexico."

Jim started to get angry.

"Damn it Blair I couldn't help that. It was something going on with my senses."


"Blair what do you want me to say here. It wasn't something I had control over."

"SHE MURDERED ME! She killed me. Yet you ran off to her. Then she held your gun on me. I really thought you were going to let her shoot me. No Jim, I don't want you to say anything. Just leave me alone."

SHUT UP! He told himself.

"I'm so sorry Blair. I really am. I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted to make sure you were o.k. I know I've made a lot of mistakes. I really fucked up. Big time. Please let's try to work though this. I'll do anything. You are the most important person in my life. My family… brother. You may not be my blood brother…..but you're my brother by choice. I need you Blair. So much. Give me a chance to make this up. I don't know if I can, but I'll try. Just don't leave me."

Blair was shocked. Jim never talked about his feelings, NEVER. This more Jim said about his feelings in all the years Blair had known Jim.

"Do you mean that Jim? Cause I don't think I can take it if you don't. I'm so tired Jim."

Jim stroked Blair's hair. "Just promise me one thing Chief."

Blair looked at him. And was shocked to see fresh tears fall.

"Please, you must promise me that you'll never do anything like this again. Don't ever try to hurt yourself. Promise me. I really thought I was going to lose you for good. Blair I couldn't take it if something happened to you. Swear it, Chief, please."

Blair felt his own tears fall. "I'm sorry Jim. I just felt like you didn't need me anymore. I felt like you … threw me away."

Jim pulled Blair into his arms and crushed him to his chest. They held each other tight. Yes, now the healing could begin. Finally Sentinel and guide were together. They could start healing each other.