Things the staff of DS9 are no longer allowed to do:

Rule 1: No quoting movies from the 20th to the 22nd century. No one will understand your references and it's rude.
Rule 1.1: No quoting stories no one else has read.
Rule 1.2: No quoting from Holosuite programs no one else has played.
Rule 1.3: No quoting from the dictionary.
Rule 1.4: No references.
Rule 1.5: No pop culture that come from before the twenty-second century.
Rule 1.6: I can't believe it took this long to say it, but Julian, NO QUOTES OR REFERENCES OR ANY KIND!

Rule 2: Julian, while we respect your love for the disgusting replicated tomato soup, please just eat the good tomato soup Sisko made for us all. You don't want to make him cry again, right?

Rule 3: Odo is banned from participating in scary holosuite programs.

Rule 4: -

Rule 5: The rule above is stricken, and Quark is banned from adding rules to The List. Also, keep The List codes very close, we don't want to be hacked again.

Rule 6: Please delete your GalaxyNet history once a day. Please.

Rule 7: Miles, no matter how much your baby cries, you are not allowed to take him to work with you.

Rule 8: Just because Jadzia's hair conditioner makes a half-decent sealant, you cannot use it as a sealant when you've run out of the real stuff.

Rule 9: There is a fine line between friendly ribbing and outright bullying. Do not cross this line.
Rule 9.1: Pursuant to this rule, no more shoving people over tables.

Rule 10: Different species mean different body chemistry. If you're having someone over for dinner, make sure it's friendly to their chemical makeup. I've had enough of two hundred simultaneous cases of food poisoning.

Rule 11: Benjamin Sisko's cold food storage areas are very large and they spontaneously grow in response to each time he gets a new shipment of fish. Do not enter without a combadge and make sure children know they're not to enter in.

Rule 12: Sisko, we think it's wonderful you love piloting the Defiant, but quit acting like Godzilla. Please.
Rule 12.1: This rule applies to you too, Worf.
Rule 12.2: I formally apologize for referencing Godzilla in this rule.

Rule 13: If we can hear your music from the next room, it's too loud.
Rule 13.1: If you hear knocking, it's not necessarily at the door. If there's no one at the door, take it as a signal for 'shut up', 'stop humming', or 'I'm trying to sleep so shut the f*ck up'.
Rule 13.2: I formally apologize for using the word 'f*ck' in rule 13,1. It has been censored. I would also like to apologize to the parents of the child who has now started using 'f*ck' as a verb.

Rule 14: Do not use The List as a means for apologizing. Doing it in person is more sentimental.

Rule 15: Having a trench coat is fine, especially since the Infirmary is always cold anyways, but why did you have to make it white, say 'Yondaime Hokage', and have red fire patterns on the bottom hem?
Rule 15.1: Julian, get a trench coat in the appropriate colors and don't reference Naruto so deviously anymore.
Rule 15.2: That does not mean making a black trench coat with the Japanese characters for 'head medic' with a Starfleet symbol on the back and a hem lined with blue fire. It's still considered a reference.
Rule 15.3: It doesn't say 'head medic', is says 'star fleet officer'. Deal with it, or I'm going back to the Yondaime coat, dattebayo.

Rule 16: If you can find a suitable replacement, yes, you can ditch the utility belts. I know they're bulky and everything always falls out of the weird pouches because they're only one-quarter the way inside the weird pouch thing. On that note, don't use the waistband of your pants or your boots.
Rule 16.1: Good. F*cking. Luck.

Rule 17: Do not disturb the Senior Staff while they're sleeping if you're not doing it via combadge. Each have gone through mental trauma and often have night terrors. If you yell them awake, they're less likely to be complacent as when you shake them awake. When you shake them awake, you're likely to get a knife to your jugular.
Rule 17.1: On that note, it's very rude, and I have trained Worf's therapy moose-rabbit to go for the throat.

Rule 18: Julian, we understand why you have repressed anger towards the Dominion. But this is enough, and you have got to find a way to deal with it.
Rule 18.1: Look at the dagger calling the throwing knife sharp. I distinctly remember you showing up for work late one day ranting about Cardassians and how you wanted to... Excuse me, the quote just slipped my mind. I believe it was something along the lines of 'they should be punched in the face, bisected, and fed to little Bajoran babies', save with many more details I don't care to repeat and several hundred expletives.
Rule 18.2: Similarly, Captain. We know you're a connoisseur of knowledge concerning the Earth 2010 and 2020s, but please shut up about Donald Trump being an 'absolute f*cking moron'.

Rule 19: No more Rube Goldberg machines to do things like pouring cereal. We have replicators for that, y'know.

Rule 20: Yes, Sisko, well-done steaks are a travesty and should never be tolerated, but GET YOUR F*CKING TONGS OUT OF OTHER PEOPLES' FACES!

Rule 21: Cross dressing creates more trouble than it's worth. If you're trans, that's fine, but don't play it off as cultural when you're very clearly wearing a woman's nightdress in the middle of Quark's in your time off. That's just a bit weird.
Rule 21.1: Pursuant to this, you cannot harass foreigners or visitors to the station who don't have any idea of the rules.
Rule 21.2: Dress robes have no bearing on this rule and are completely acceptable.

Rule 22: Julian, I really thought I taught you to lie better than this. Section 31 does most certainly not want to keep you for demented sexual fantasies concerning genetic enhancements (somehow). If you're going to lie, lie better than that.

Rule 23: No more reading porn outside of the privacy of your quarters. People are likely to read over your shoulder and you're likely to drop your padd somewhere and forget about it. I don't need more people asking me whether they can please punch you in the face, even though it wouldn't hurt.
Rule 23.1: Similarly, I do not need parents coming to me ranting about how their children asked what an orgasm was. 'They already had the sex speech planned out', they said, 'but they never thought to prepare a speech concerning orgasms', they said. Keep your F*cking books within arm's reach or I will take out Murder Mode. No joke.

Rule 24: No Murder Mode (save in life-threatening circumstances).
Rule 24.1: I'm allowed to exude f*cking Killing Intent if I f*cking want to. F*cking orgasm speeches...

Rule 25: Just a friendly reminder than euphemisms and expressions don't necessarily mean the same thing in different languages. They also have a completely different verbal system. Don't assume someone is saying a swear word if they're speaking in a native language. The word 'ass' in Bajoran means 'foam', while in Federation (standard), it is the swear for 'butt'. Please do not assume anything.

Rule 26: Worf, none of us know where you got all those animals you hide whenever one of us visits, and while we're impressed with your mad skills in hiding them, how did you actually get them?
Rule 26.1: On that note, stop trying to pawn one of the kittens off on my family. We already have Chester. He's enough.

Rule 27: Sisko, speaking in riddles is just as annoying as Julian making references none of us understand. Stop it.
Rule 27.1: I can hardly help it when my mind if kerfuffled by the Prophets.

Rule 28: Going around the Promenade screaming about zombies is not okay. I thought you learned from ridiculous excuses.

Rule 29: Ridiculous excuses are not going to be tolerated. Your hair is not dyed, it's impossible to get caught in a sandstorm, or ion storm, or rainstorm, or blizzard, or run into a kitten up a tree, or be lost on the road of life, and it doesn't matter that you've found a piece of string, or that you had to sew up a tear in your jacket, or anything else you've fabricated. Please stop insulting our intelligence.
Rule 29.1: But I really did lose my combadge that one time!

Rule 30: Don't mess with Odo's bucket. He might not sleep in there anymore, but it's still rude to defile someone's property.

Rule 31: My cute little overachievers, no matter what you've been taught at the Academy, DO NOT WRITE MISSION REPORTS IN CODE.

Rule 32: No sugar highs. Please.

Rule 33: Don't let Julian have caffeine in the mornings. The resulting disaster is beyond explanation.

Rule 34: For any reason whatsoever, do not keep Kira from her caffeine. Pregnancy or not, you do not have the right to control her life like that, Miles. And an addiction of caffeine based on what happens in the womb is impossible. Physical and mental deformities in children are because of alcohol. Shouldn't you have your facts straight by now?

Rule 35: Julian, the method you use to keep track of when girls are on their menstrual cycle is unfair. Share the information with the guys or stop doing it altogether.
Rule 35.1: Julian, I'm going to be generous and give you the benefit of the doubt and you're not a weirdo of this level of weirdness. Start explaining or I'll beat the crap out of you.
Rule 35.2: I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't track the menstrual cycle of every woman on the station. Such a thing is a waste of my time. Which is to say, I would have to devote a hundred hours a week at least to keep track of who was on their menstrual cycle. I'm not a gossip freak.

Rule 36: The next person who says anything about my prune juice being odd for a Klingon warrior is getting a Bat'leth to the chest.

Rule 37: No flirting on duty.

Rule 38: Notify people a month in advance when their parents are coming to the station so we can be on a nice f*cking long journey a hundred miles away from the station when that happens. Please.
Rule 38.1: Julian, there's no need to be so dramatic.
Rule 38.2: Last time my parents came to the station, I was revealed to be an illegal genetically enhanced freak. The expletives are unnecessary, sure, but they do drive the point home.
Rule 38.3: Point taken.

Rule 39: Do not turn in paperwork in the form of pornography.
Rule 39.1: For the record, it was rather well-written porn, so kudos to you Lissara, but don't do it again, and I expect your actual report on my desk before the end of the day.


"Dear god, what is wrong with this Senior Staff?"

"Apparently, they enjoy playing pranks on each other, sir."

*Sigh.* "Are we sure we need an updated copy of the Rules by this point? One of them probably involved no dumping paint cans on the filing ensigns."

The Admiral's assistant fidgeted.

"There... Isn't actually a rule that says no dumping paint cans on other member of the staff, is there?"

"Rule 217.3, sir," the assistant looked cowed and winced.

The Admiral banged his head on his desk. "What the hell was rule 217?"

"Rule 217: 'Do not antagonize the filing ensigns for doing their jobs in an unorthodox manner, because that would make you the biggest hypocrites who have ever hypocrite'ed."'

"... Well, then."

"Yes, sir."

"Alexi, would you please leave me alone for a bit?"

"Of course, sir."

Alexi came back three hours later with a raktajino, when her boss had finally stopped punching his walls.