40Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series.
Reasons Why I Hate James Potter
1. He always runs his fingers through his hair
2. He's ugly inside and out
"James," Lily murmured under her breath, "James."
"Yes, Lily?" the boy teased.
His hands were calloused and rough from long hours of Quidditch practice, but they felt so, so good on her body.
"James," she drawled out, arching her back under his touch. She reached towards him and played with the hair on his nape. "James."
She couldn't think. She could hardly breathe. It felt so good. It all felt so good.
"Tell me what you want, Lily," he whispered into her neck, even though he already knew. He knew her so well.
He left open-mouthed kisses down the side of her neck, lower and lower.
One of her hands clutched the sheet of the bed, gripping it tightly. The other gripped his hair, pulling the soft locks, guiding it where she wanted it to go. Exactly where she wanted him to go.
So, so good…
He then moved forward, propping himself so he hovered over her. Green eyes met hazel.
Teasing her, he kissed her cheek. The tip of her nose. Her forehead.
So gentle. So, so gentle.
But Lily growled, tilting her head up to capture his lips.
At the last minute, James dodged, kissing the underside of her chin instead.
"James," Lily whined. She sounded pathetic. She knew it, but she didn't care.
"Nuh-uh, Lily. Not until you tell me what you want."
What she wanted…
She wanted his lips on hers.
She wanted his body flush against hers.
She wanted, she wanted, she wanted…
"More," she gasped when James lightly nipped at the junction between her neck and shoulder.
Her hands went for his raven-locks once more. Once she had a feel, running her hand through those curly strands, she could not help herself. She wanted more of it. She wanted all of it. She wanted to run her hands in it every second of every day.
"More." A kiss. "Of." Another kiss. "What?" A kiss everywhere except where she really wanted it.
Lily moaned, writhing under his ministrations.
"More of what, Evans?" He asked again.
Not able to take it anymore, she pulled him towards her, capturing his lips, tasting victory and everything James.
He kissed her back with fervor, though the question remained unanswered.
She wanted more.
She turned them over, so she was on top. Straddling him, she saw his whole figure. His hair splayed out on the pillow, his chiseled chest heaving up and down from their wanton activities, his crooked smile, and his adoring eyes that saw her and only her.
She placed her hand on his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart under her.
With a grin she leaned down towards him, her long red hair cascading down like a waterfall beside his head.
"What I want?" she asked as her lips grazed his once more. She felt his heart steadily beating faster. "You know what I want."
"Tell me anyway," he whispered back. "What do you want?"
They moved in-sync, their bodies in harmony and their hearts beating as one.
She wanted, she wanted, she wanted…
He flipped her on her back and when they joined together once again it felt as if everything was right in the world and nothing else mattered.
She wanted, she wanted, she wanted…
"James."
Lily awoke from her bed with a desperate gasp for breath. Sitting straight up, she immediately scowled at the sunlight glaring from her childhood bedroom window.
The bedsheets were crumpled from where she had gripped it tight and her room was empty aside from the overfilled shelf of books and the stuffed animals she had collected since she was a child sitting on her dresser.
Her teddy bears stared at her.
Judging her.
"Lily," her mother called from downstairs, "breakfast is ready!"
With a groan, Lily clasped both her hands over her eyes to block the sun and slumped backwards into her pillows, fantasies of another body joining her refusing to leave her mind.
"Fuck."
Lily sat at a little café near her home.
She usually came there to clear her mind and fill her stomach with warm tea and fresh-baked goods, but today, she had another agenda in mind.
Swirling her spoon in her tea cup, she watched as the liquid formed a whirlpool, dissolving the cubes of sugar she had dropped in only moments before. She tapped her spoon twice on the edge of the cup before setting it down on her plate.
After a sip of the hot drink, she looked at the boy sitting across from her.
"We need to break up."
Eyes widening, the timid boy shook his head, leaning closer as if he had not heard her properly. "B-break up? Why?"
Lily sighed. "We talked about this at the beginning of the summer. This thing between us. I told you that it would only last until the end of the month and you agreed. I have to go back to school and it would just be too complicated to keep this up."
"But- but I don't understand… I thought what we had was good."
"It was good, but our lives are going in different directions and I don't see us lasting. I'm sorry."
The speech had been planned, practiced, and executed with perfection, but Lily still felt that heavy feeling in her throat looking at the boy across from her who did nothing wrong.
"But… Lily…"
"Please don't make this any harder than it needs to be." She stood to her feet and gathered her belongings to make a quick departure. "It really was fun while it lasted. I hope we can remain friends."
She made her way to the exit when she heard him. "Is there someone else? Is there someone else waiting for you at your school?"
With one hand on the glass door, she hesitated before she turned back to him. This… this response was off-script. She hadn't planned for this.
Someone else? Why would he…? How could he…?
Flustered, Lily stuttered, shaking her head jerkily. "N-no. There's no one else."
Finally understanding, the boy had a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I hope he makes you happy, Lily. You deserve the best."
Without another word, Lily pushed the door open and walked as fast as she could away from the muggle boy who had accepted her without knowing a thing about her, who treated her well without her even asking, and who let her go without putting up a fight.
This was for the best, Lily convinced herself. This was best for her and for the boy.
Because every time he touched her, she imagined hands that were rough and calloused from Quidditch practice pulling her in.
Because every time he smiled at her, she imagined a crooked grin and a sly little joke ready to make her laugh or roll her eyes or do both.
Because every time he looked at her, she imagined hazel eyes behind rimmed glasses that were full of secrets and truths that she was ready to uncover.
Over the summer, James had consumed her very essence. Her thoughts and dreams belonged to James Potter and there was nothing she could do about it.
She often found James's beautiful curls to be the object of her daydreams (and nighttime fantasies) and she imagined how it would feel to twirl a strand of it around her finger. She wondered how soft it would be when she splayed her hands across his hair and clutched it lightly.
Over the summer, she had come to terms with her feelings for James and she dealt with those feelings by jumping headfirst into a relationship with the first muggle boy that had asked her out.
But now that break was over, she had to return to reality.
Hogwarts was waiting for her and with it came many more challenges.
Saying goodbye was a lot more difficult this time around than any of the past years combined.
When she was younger, her pre-teen self would slink away from her mum's big hugs and cringe at her dad's loud laughs. But as she stood at King's Cross to enter her sixth year at Hogwarts, Lily couldn't help but lean into her mother's hug and laugh along with her father's dad jokes.
She loved them so deeply and with the turmoil that was happening in the wizarding community that was slowly but surely exposing itself to the muggle world, it was important to let the people you loved know exactly how you felt.
"Please be safe, you two," Lily warned. "If you see anyone in a wizarding cloak, I'd say it's best to stay away from them at this point. If you see a skull in the sky, please run in the other direction. And don't forget to always lock the doors at night and if you see an owl that doesn't have the Hogwarts insignia, do not let it in your house."
"Darling, darling," Rose Evans soothed, keeping her arms wrapped around her daughter, "You worry too much when we should be the ones worried about you. Are you sure you even want to return back to the school after the Hogsmeade attack? I know you still get nightmares sometimes."
"Mum, I have to go back. I want to learn more and maybe I can help end this war before it escalates even further."
Her parents exchanged weary glances, but knowing there was nothing they could say or do to convince their headstrong daughter otherwise, they donned bold smiles.
"That's our Lily," Henry Evans declared proudly.
The train whistled loudly indicating that it was about time to get depart. Lily hitched her bag up higher and tightened her grip on her suitcase.
"Stay safe. I know I won't be able to write to you, but Christmas break will be here before you know it. And dad, don't forget that your glasses are on the kitchen counter near the fridge and mum, make sure you keep going to your chiropractor appointments because I know they help even if you refuse to admit it." She started walking but kept her neck turned so she could see them waving at her with an amused look on their face. "And dad, don't forget to wear your glasses when you're driving mum to her appointment. Your glasses are—"
"On the kitchen counter!" Her dad yelled, arms raised in a wave. "Don't you worry about us, Lily-flower. Just try to enjoy your year and don't study too hard!"
"We love you, Lily! Make sure you go to at least one party!" Her mum yelled even louder. "And try some alcohol!"
"You two give terrible advice," Lily chuckled, turning around and starting to walk backwards. "And I love you too!"
She waved back and was just about to turn to start walking forward again when she crashed into somebody.
Somebody quite tall.
Her eyes scaled up their body till she reached his eyes.
Green eyes met hazel.
Nighttime fantasies unwillingly replayed in her head.
"James!" Lily squeaked. "Er, I mean Potter! Ehm, it's good to see you."
Smiling fondly, James began to walk into the train, letting Lily join his side. "It's good to see you too, Evans. I just stepped out to get some fresh air, but Marlene and Alice are sitting with the rest of the guys. We can walk together." He held his hand out to take some of her luggage, since he had already dropped his off.
"Oh, okay," Lily said, gratefully handing off one of her bags.
The Marauders and the girls all sat together. She supposed it made sense that the two girls would sit with the Marauders on the train. Didn't it? She wouldn't really have known since she always sat with Severus the past years she had taken the train.
Lily didn't really think the girls and the Marauders were that close, but maybe they had gotten closer over the summer.
Well, it's not like she minded sitting with the Marauders, she herself had gotten close to some of the boys in the group, so she would consider them friends as well.
"How was your summer?" James asked, pulling her out of her musing.
"It was nice… Ehm, I did some reading…"
"Hmm," James nodded, his small smile still on his face, though the longer Lily looked at him, the more she could tell how he struggled to keep it on. "Sounds engaging."
While last year, James was full of rage and anger, this year, he seemed more resigned and mellow. She wasn't really sure if it was an improvement or not at this point.
"How was your summer?" She asked as the two of them walked through the aisle to find the compartment with their friends in it.
"Well, both my parents died, so it wasn't the best," James said dryly.
"Oh." Lily's knees knocked into her suitcase as she missed a step and stumbled forward. "I'm so sorry to hear that."
How does one comfort a friend when she had never experienced that kind of loss in her life? She felt awkward and didn't want to come off as insincere. She contemplated putting her hand on his shoulder to comfort him, but her hands were occupied with her bags.
While she fumbled awkwardly with her luggage, James looked at her knowingly and with a sincerity Lily felt she didn't deserve he said, "Thank you."
"Oh, ah… How- how are you… how have you been? Ehm, what I mean is—"
With a light laugh, James shook his head and ran his free hand through his hair. "I'm fine, Lily, if that's what you're asking. They died pretty early in the summer with a case of Dragon pox that took 'em both out at around the same time. But we all expected it, so they had time to draw up their will and everything." His laugh sounded cynical. "Turns out I'm set for life. Don't have to work a day in my life. Isn't it great?"
She pulled him into the first empty cabin she found and closed the sliding door.
"Lily- wha—?"
Dropping the bags in both her hands, Lily pulled him into a hug. Not too tight and not too loose, a hug her mother had taught her well. A little rub between the shoulder blades was her secret ingredient to the perfect hug.
And James seemed to agree because he all but melted into her embrace.
"I told you I'm fine," he muttered into her shoulder, though his arms wrapped around her body and stayed there.
"I know," Lily responded, "But I just wanted to hug a friend."
"Oh, we're friends now, are we?" He was the first to pull away and set both his hands on her shoulder.
Lily scoffed dramatically and punched him lightly on his arm. "Oh, please, after all we went through at Hogsmeade together? I think we've reached that point in our relationship where we become friends."
Both of them picked up their bags and left the empty room to continue their search.
"Well I'm glad to be considered one of Lily Evans' best friends."
"Hey, now I wouldn't go that far," she joked, but then her voice darkened. "I really am sorry about what happened, James. I did want to reach out to you over the summer and check-in, but I couldn't contact anyone. You know how it went."
James nodded, his jaw clenching. "Yeah, it fucking sucks."
"You don't have to tell me," Lily sighed.
All muggle-borns were highly encouraged to stop contact with the wizarding world over the summer for their own safety. Apparently owls that came from predominately muggle communities were seized and inspected, and their owners were eventually hunted and killed. It became a sport for them to attack muggle-borns.
Almost overnight, anti-muggle-born sentiment had grown to new heights and fear of the rising Death Eater group had multiplied.
"I heard that 11 year old muggle-borns who were supposed to be told they were wizards and witches weren't even being informed this year for fear of their own safety," James said.
"Is that true?"
James shrugged. "Not sure, but by the state we're in, I wouldn't doubt it."
"Shit."
"Yep."
James opened the sliding door by the end of the train to finally reveal all their friends who had come before them.
Exclamations of 'James!' and 'Lily!' were heard all around the cabin as the remaining three Marauders, plus Alice and Marlene, stood to greet their friends.
"Took you long enough, mate!" Sirius wrapped James in a headlock. "Where the hell did you run off to?"
After James had wrestled his way out of Sirius's grasp, he took a seat between Peter and Remus, while Sirius sat on the side with Alice and Marlene.
"Lily!" Alice hugged the red-head tight, nearly lifting her up with her hidden strength, and Marlene hugged her from the back, so Lily was in a hug sandwich. "We've missed you so much! Marls and I wanted to break the rules so bad and just sneak into your house one day!"
Lily laughed, a drop of a tear forming on her eye. "I missed you guys too."
With Lily being cut-off from the wizarding world, it also meant she was cut-off from the closest bonds she had formed during the school year. She was really looking forward to connecting back with her two closest girl-friends and she was so happy (and extremely relieved) to hear that they missed her just as much as she did.
When everyone had settled down, Lily then slowly realized that there was a strange feeling in the air. It was a bit crowded for a group of seven, even with Alice perched on Marlene's lap and Sirius sitting on the girls' side.
The strange feeling intensified when Lily noticed the look that James and Marlene were giving each other.
Amongst the chatter, Lily could make out the small "Hi," Marlene had sent out to James.
What an update, Lily thought to herself. Especially compared to the previous year when Marlene could barely respond to James without prompting from Alice and Lily.
In her pondering, Lily almost missed the bashful "Hi," James had said back.
Lily did not know why those greetings were so… heartfelt, but it felt like a weird question to ask. So she continued to watch their stilted interactions in silence.
Clearing her throat, Lily turned to Alice. "Where's Frank? I thought he might want to be with you for his last Hogwarts Express ride."
"He wanted to, but he made Head Boy!"
"That's so great! I have to congratulate him the next time I see him!"
"Well, you may have to do that sooner than later," Remus interrupted, checking his watch. "We better head on over to the prefect corridor before we're late."
"Oh, right!" Lily snapped her head up. "I almost forgot!"
"You forgot you were a prefect, Red?" Sirius teased.
"Don't worry, Black," Lily stood up and straightened her skirt, "Now that I remember, it's back to weekly detentions for you."
"Damn you, Moony, for reminding her."
The werewolf scoffed, as he adjusted his tie. "You're an idiot."
Remus stood next to Lily and prepared to head to the prefect corridor, when Sirius said, "You're really gonna leave me… alone? With them?"
"Oi!" Alice exclaimed.
Sirius and Remus had a staring contest that lasted for a brief second, before Remus walked over to where Sirius was sitting, stood over him for a second, reached out… and flicked him in the ear.
"Ow!"
The two of the seemed to have a silent conversation using only their eyes until Remus blinked and was out the door with Lily following behind.
"You'll be fine, Padfoot. Plus Peter's here too."
"And Alice!" Said-girl interjected. "Everyone always forgetting Amazing Alice."
"Aw, who could forget a face like yours?" Marlene teased, playing with Alice's cheeks.
Batting her hands away, Alice laughed and got off her lap to take the seat beside Peter that Remus had been sitting at.
Before the view disappeared completely, Lily caught James moving as well, taking her seat… beside Marlene.
The route to the prefect corridor was short and she knew the meeting to get patrol rotations wouldn't last very long at all, but something in her gnawed at her, urging her to go back to the cabin with her friends.
She faltered and noticing that she slowed down, Remus turned towards her.
"I- I think I left my water bottle in my backpack, I'm just gonna grab it real quick. I'll meet you at the meeting, save me a seat, okay?"
Remus hesitated before giving her a swift nod. "Sure."
After briskly walking back to the cabin, she slid open the door, but was definitely not prepared for the site before her.
James had an arm around Marlene and they laughed together. Marlene looked at James with the most adoring eyes. And James… he looked at her back in the same way.
Marlene and James…
Marlene kissing James…
Lily blinked twice, her eye twitching at the sight, but by that time the kiss was long gone. It was a simple peck on the cheek, lasting less than half-a-second, but it was enough time for Lily's heart to go from its rightful place in her chest to fall to the bottom of her stomach.
Sirius reacted dramatically and covered his eyes, jumping from his seat to the seat beside Peter, which made Marlene and James the only two left on the one side.
Lily dropped her hand from the sliding door and backed a step to move away when James turned his head and made eye contact with her.
No one else had noticed her standing there.
He looked surprised, his mouth opening to form her name.
But she couldn't take it.
She ran towards the prefect corridor, her hand placed on her chest, pushing down to stop its heavy pulse.
Marlene and James…
Marlene and James!
She should be happy for her friend. She should be ecstatic!
So… what was this feeling?
She took a seat beside Remus and the meeting had started, though Lily couldn't hear a single word. Everything sounded like a dull turbulence whirring in her head.
Once the patrol schedules were passed out, the two sixth years stood to head back to their cabin.
Expecting a silent walk back, Lily was surprised when Remus asked, "So you saw, huh?" When Lily didn't respond, he clarified, "James and Marlene."
"Ah, right." Lily nodded. "Yeah, I saw."
"They've been pretty lovey-dovey like that since they started dating."
"Oh," Lily's voice was hardly louder than a whispered.
"After James's parents died, Marlene was really there for him. She and Sirius were by his side practically the whole summer. And then, next thing you know they started dating."
"Wow," Lily fiddled with the prefect badge on her uniform. "That's- uh, that's great." She cleared her throat. "That's really great for them. I know Marlene really liked James."
Remus looked at her knowingly, but Lily was grateful he didn't say anything.
The rest of the train ride passed by as a blur. Lily remembered doing her designated patrol, engaging in some conversations about classes that they were going to take, and hearing little tidbits of updates on everything.
Everything.
Which meant Marlene had excitedly turned to Lily and exclaimed that she was dating James. Which was exactly what Lily had been trying to do the previous year by setting them up on their Hogsmeade double date. Which meant Lily had to put on a cheery smile and happily squeal that she was so surprised and so happy.
That whole exchange was a bit hazy as well.
Remus gave her a strange look every once in a while. Lily ignored it.
Even Sirius glanced at her with a peculiar expression. Ignored.
Guilt gnawed at her insides. Why couldn't she actually feel the true happiness for Marlene and James that she struggled to perform?
She was a terrible friend. An absolutely down-right terri—
"Meeeerlin's beard."
Brought out of her self-deprecating thoughts, Lily realized that they had finally entered the main hall and was met with the crowd of fellow students for the year. Or rather, the lack of crowd.
As much as she expected the number of people who attended Hogwarts this year to be smaller than other years, nothing truly prepared her for how empty the hall looked.
It was… bare. Especially the Gryffindor side, but the other houses had missing students in it as well.
There were hardly any first years, with parents too scared to send their 11 year old children to a potential battle ground.
The heavy feeling of helplessness and melancholy clung to the air.
Even Dumbledore's speech and the decadent food spread before them did little to lighten the mood.
What a great start to the year, Lily thought to herself.
By the time dinner was over, Lily could feel herself yawning from the busy day. After taking a long hot shower and settling in her usual bed with her comfy pajamas, she took out her diary to unwind.
She flipped to the last time she had written about James.
Oh, no. Not the dream...
Deer Diary,
AAAHHHHHHHHH! WHY IS HIS HAIR SO… HAIRY? AND SOFT? AND MESSY IN A PERFECT WAY!?
IT CAN'T POSSIBLY LOOK LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE, RIGHT? RIGHT?!
Currently in crisis,
Lily
Two seconds after that horrendous entry, Lily noticed that she had quickly scribbled a part two to her freak-out.
Deer Diary,
I apologize for my behavior. That came from a place of weakness and I hope you never have to witness that side of me ever again.
Slowly, but surely recovering,
Lily
The red-haired girl scoffed as she continued flipping back through her summer entries, reprimanding herself for her midnight scrawls of delusion. She then flipped to the last time she had made an entry about actual James and not nighttime fantasy James.
Her childhood list stared back at her with her two reasons. Two utterly pitiful reasons.
She stared and stared and stared.
Agh! Lily slammed her diary shut and tossed it into her bedside drawer before rolling under the covers and pulling it over her head. What the bloody hell was she doing?
What she was doing wasn't right. Not only was she thinking about James Potter… she was thinking of someone else's boyfriend. One of her best friends' boyfriend!
No. She would not do this. Whatever this was…
She valued her friendships over anything and this year had enough troubles on its own before adding a stupid love triangle into the mix.
No!
No love triangle.
Just three friends.
And two of them were dating.
And there was Alice.
Yep, there was Alice and Alice was cool and not dating someone Lily had ever had a nighttime fantasy about… no offense to Frank, of course.
And with Alice and Sirius and Remus, and even Peter, Lily was sure there were plenty enough buffers so she never had to see or hear or think about Marlene and James… together… holding hands… kissing—
Agh! Shut up brain! Lily put a pillow on top of her head and squeezed down, hoping the pressure would knock her into sleep.
No such luck.
Deer Diary,
HIS HAIR DOES LOOK LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE! AAAHHHHHHHHH!
The crisis continues,
Lily
Early the next morning, Lily blearily yawned as the effects of last night's emotional turmoil finally had its consequences. She awoke earlier than her roommates and readied herself for the day, wandering the empty halls to her first stop. Once she reached her destination, she knocked three times at the door and took a step back to wait.
It did not take long for Madam Pomfrey to open the door to her office and give her a curious once-over.
"Is everything alright, Ms. Evans?"
"Yes, Madam Pomfrey, I was actually here to ask if I was still allowed to train with you this year as an assistant. We talked about it briefly at the end of last year, but with communication cut off during the summer, I wasn't able to check if we were still able to move forward."
"Ah, yes." The school healer straightened up and opened the door further for Lily to come into her office. "I think that's a wonderful idea. I usually have a few assistants every year and it really does help with future schooling if you plan on pursuing the medical field. I had the paperwork ready for you, but as you said, I wasn't able to send it. If you fill it out today, I can get you started with training by tomorrow."
"I would appreciate that, thank you!" Lily smiled. "I didn't think it would be this easy."
"Well, there is usually a longer application process, but with the lack of students and the lack of assistants, I need all the help I can get." Madam Pomfrey went into her filing cabinets to find the correct papers for Lily to fill out. "And I know you as a student and I know your work ethic, so I have no doubt you will be a fine assistant."
"Thank you," Lily said, reaching to take the papers the Healer held out to her.
However, when she pulled the stack of papers towards her, Pomfrey held on. "Before I give you this, I need you to know that this line of business is not just helping people. Of course that is our goal, but it's more than that. It takes a certain amount of sacrifice and… how do I put it… desensitization to get the job done."
At Lily's confused expression, Madam Pomfrey continued, "You saw it for yourself at the Hogsmeade attack—the injuries and the cries of the students. You were at the center of it, weren't you?"
Lily nodded and so Pomfrey said, "I fear it's only going to get worse. If you choose to work at a large hospital such as St Mungo's or even smaller clinics in the area, the number of attacks are increasing. People are getting more and more creative with their curses and it takes a lot of bravery, willpower, and sacrifice to put yourself in a position to help those when you might not know how it'll affect you. Will you take that risk?"
Contemplating her words, Lily took a deep breath. "During the Hogsmeade attack, Marlene was injured and I was so scared I couldn't think straight. If I'm put in a situation like that again, I want to know what I should do. I want to have practice and training and I want to learn because if I'm prepared, I don't have to be scared. Because you're right, Madam Pomfrey. The number of attacks are increasing. Especially for people like me and I need to be prepared. For myself and for others."
"I admit, Ms. Evans, it does get easier after a while. But there are moments… like when you witness a death that you knew you did all you could, but it still wasn't enough…" Pomfrey had a far-off look in her eyes. "Those moments don't get easier. If you choose this path, you have to have a strong heart."
"I can do it. I'm willing to take that risk."
Lily held the paperwork in her hands, permission finally being granted.
"Very well, Ms. Evans," Madam Pomfrey said with a fond twinkle. "I believe you."
Bravery. Willpower. Sacrifice.
Lily never really thought of the field of medicine in that way.
Since her mom was a nurse, spending every day caring for her patients, Lily had grown up thinking of it as an act of kindness. But there was certainly more to it than that. So much more. She couldn't imagine the burden a witch like Madam Pomfrey went through, caring for generation after generation of students with her healing hands.
But when she thought back to Hogsmeade—to the splashes of red painting the streets, the smell of fire and iron, and the feeling of helplessness—she knew she would make that sacrifice. She would make that sacrifice if that was what it took to save everyone.
After filling out the paperwork and submitting it to Pomfrey, she walked through the castle to get to her first class of the day. She was running a little late, so she picked up the pace, the pitter-patter of her feet echoing along the walls.
It still spooked her how empty the halls were now that so many of the students were gone.
She rounded the corner to get to her Potions class when she stopped herself from running into two people.
Severus Snape and Regulus Black stared back at her. Severus opened his mouth with the syllable of her name on the tip of his tongue, but Lily refused to entertain any lie that came from his mouth. Regulus, on the other hand, didn't say a single word, though his guilty look spoke millions.
Her face soured immediately. "Get out of my way."
Pushing past the two taller bodies, she quickly made her way into the classroom, sitting at her usual seat right on time.
"Looks like we're lab partners," a voice said beside her.
Shocked, Lily realized she had chosen the empty seat besides James. "Where's…"
James tilted his chin up to the seat in front of them with Remus and Sirius. "Peter didn't meet up with the requirements for potions, lucky bastard," he joked.
"And Marlene didn't want to sit with her boyfriend?" Lily asked, her voice borderline bitter as she noticed that Marlene had chosen to sit in her usual spot with Alice in the back of the class.
Blushing at the word 'boyfriend', James ducked his head slightly. "Yeah, I think she just wants to sit with Alice for the year."
"Ah, makes sense," Lily said with a nod of her head. "I guess we're lab partners."
It wasn't a bad deal, Lily considered. It's not like James would do anything insane like mess up the potion or throw mushrooms at her head like he would have when they were younger. They all had their futures and their careers to consider now.
She always knew James wanted to be an Auror like his parents when he grew up and she wondered if that had changed in any way after their passing. But seeing him and his focus, Lily knew that his aspirations only grew stronger.
Class ran by smoothly and before she knew it, everyone was packing their bags.
"Luuuunch!" Alice groaned, trotting up to where Lily and the Marauders were. "Did you guys hear my stomach rumbling? I swear these three-hour classes are going to drain my life-force."
Marlene had walked up to James in the meantime, hooking her arm in his and stepping on her tip-toes to give him a kiss on the cheek.
"You coming to lunch, Lily?" James asked politely after he ducked his head a little to hide his embarrassment from the public display of affection.
"Sure, yeah, but I'll meet you guys there; I wanna talk to Professor Slughorn for a bit."
Sirius snorted, standing from his seat. "Teacher's pet."
Reaching out, Lily gave him a flick on the ear.
"Oi!" Sirius held his bruised ear. "Why does this keep happening?"
Exchanging a fist bump with Remus, Lily smirked. "Learned from the best."
James gave her a pleasant smile before he left. "See you soon then."
"Yeah." Lily smiled back.
An uneasy feeling overtook her. James was calm and pleasant and even charming. He asked her to lunch without any pageantry and she was sure he would not have pushed if she had declined his offer to join them.
It was strange to see that kind of maturity on James.
Lily didn't mind it; in fact, she much preferred it to the outright childish nature James had displayed in their first year. However, a part of her yearned to see his 'annoying' laugh and the way his eyebrows would scrunch up together to make his 'confused' look when he pulled off the most elaborate prank, but had to play it off like he wasn't involved.
Maybe it was the nostalgia playing in too. Lily thought about how much she wished Hogwarts was back to the way it was, with its over-crowded hallways and the sounds of happy students.
Regardless, Lily pushed the feeling aside and greeted Professor Slughorn, chatting him up for a few minutes to get in his good graces for the coming year. Slughorn liked her well enough and Lily was grateful for his mentorship. Especially as a Slytherin professor, Lily appreciated that he treated her fairly and kindly.
As she walked out the classroom, Lily thought to herself how grateful she was for Slytherins who cared about muggle-borns, who weren't so brainwashed by their pure bloodline, and who saw past their prejudices. Slytherins who saw them as more than cockroaches.
"Lily…"
Ah, and there was the one who saw her as nothing more than a cockroach.
"Can we talk?" Regulus Black stood in front of her, as soon as she exited, almost as if he had waited for her.
"Don't talk to me," Lily growled, continuing her trek to the dining hall.
"Please."
"You want to talk to little ol' cockroach me?" She snarked.
"I- I'm sorry."
"Bull. Shit."
The boy grabbed her upper arm, not strong enough to hurt her, but enough to stop her in her tracks.
"Do not touch me!" The hallway was empty and Lily's voice echoed.
"Please… let me explain what happened."
"Explain what? Hmm?"
"You know… the attack," he spoke the last words like a whisper.
"Oh, so you're going to explain the fact that you knew beforehand that the attack was going to happen and the fact that you tried to warn me and tell me not to go even though you knew countless students were going to be harmed and killed in the attack! You knew everything and you did nothing!"
"Keep your voice down!" Regulus snapped, and Lily pulled her arm from his grasp harshly.
"Fuck you."
"I couldn't… I couldn't say anything… but I didn't want you to be caught up in it. I wanted you to be okay."
Lily scoffed. "Me? You wanted me to be okay? A cockroach? And no one else? That makes me feel so much better. Thank you, Regulus. For putting my life above the life of my friends."
"What do you think would have happened to me if I told Dumbledore about the attack plan? I know for sure I would not be standing here right now. Why are you assuming it would be so easy for me to just turn on my entire family like that? Because my older brother did it?"
He refused to break eye contact with Lily and the two of them stared at each other with equal and opposite levels of rage. Hers was a passionate fiery rage. His was a steadfast and cold fury.
"Why did you tell me then? You warned me not to go to Hogsmeade, but I just didn't listen. Why even try to stop me? Regulus? Why am I the exception? I don't want to be!" Lily felt a stinging behind her eyes.
Severus had done the same thing. Everyone else was a mudblood, but she was just Lily. Everyone else was allowed to die at Hogsmeade, but she was allowed to escape.
"Do you even understand the pain you've caused the students at Hogwarts? People our age? They're children! We're children!" She rubbed at her chest, her heart beating fast. Memories of the screams, the blood, and the panic all resurfacing when she had tried so hard to push it all down.
"I…"
"Merlin, Regulus." Lily wiped hastily at her eyes and walked forward. "You told me that you didn't believe in the shit the Death Eaters were spouting, but you're still part of their agenda and you're still—"
"I told you that night that I wasn't a good person." Regulus stood where he was, not moving an inch from where Lily had left his grasp. "That hasn't changed." He turned to walk in the opposite direction of Lily. "It was stupid of you to assume otherwise, Cockroach."
If those were the last words Regulus Black ever spoke to Lily Evans, she would be completely fine.
It was fine. Everything. Was. Fine.
Lily sniffed, rubbing at her nose, before she entered the dining hall.
James was the first person to spot her, his hand raised in a wave to bring her towards them. As she came closer, he was also the first to recognize her melancholy expression, try as she might to hide it.
She took a seat beside him, with Marlene on his other side. After she was settled, he gave her a small nudge. "Alright, Evans?" He asked with a teasing lilt.
"Alright, Potter." Lily couldn't help as the corner of her mouth tilted up. It was just the way James was. A little nudge, a little joke, and it was the best pick-me-up she could ask for.
Marlene cleared her throat. "So Potions, huh?"
"Ugh, why do Aurors even need to take Potions anyway?" Alice complained while piling her plate up with different foods. "It's not like we'll be in the middle of fighting Death Eaters and take a three hour break to whip up some Wit-Sharpening Potion."
"No, but I guess it would be helpful for Aurors to be able to recognize a deadly potion in dangerous situations or even take a helpful potion for missions and such," Lily concluded, taking up a spoonful of her food.
"I guuuuess, but I still don't wanna sit in a boring dungeon for hours on end hearing Slughorn babble on and on about whatever it is he talks about."
"He's actually pretty fun to talk to if you get to know him. He travelled a lot when he was young and he's met some really interesting people."
"Teacher's pet," Sirius coughed into his arm.
Raising a finger threateningly, Lily formed it into a flick. "You're lucky you're sitting too far from me to get ya."
Sirius stuck his tongue out at her childishly. "I'm not scared of you, Red. Not after I punched Voldemort in the face."
The whole group of friends groaned loudly. Lily turned her head, surprised at their in-sync reactions.
"Not this again." Remus shook his head.
Alice chuckled, explaining to Lily, "He's been bragging about how he punched Voldemort in the face the whole summer. I wasn't even around Potter Manor for half as long as Marlene, and I still had to hear about it at least a million times."
"He really finds a way to bring it into every conversation," James said, smiling fondly.
The friends continued to tease Sirius, but Lily was thinking on a totally different wavelength.
Potter Manor.
Marlene was at Potter Manor.
It made sense. After all, James and Marlene had gotten closer over the summer and Marlene had comforted James. It made sense that she had been to his house and his room and they had spent time… together.
Lily rubbed her chest to ease the way it beat against her ribcage.
"I can't wait 'til we make that luck potion," Sirius mentioned, bringing Lily out of her thoughts.
Lily nodded. "I heard that was a fun class."
The sound of heavy breathing and the jostling of a book bag had them all looking up to see Peter running up to their table.
"Wormtail!" James exclaimed, "Where the hell have you been? Have a seat."
Still gasping from his mouth, Peter reached over the table and used a napkin to pick up a chicken leg. "Can't." Gasp for breath. "Late for class."
And just like that, he had left the dining hall, running to his next class.
There was a small silence until Sirius broke it. "Isn't it strange that I didn't even realize he was missing?"
Remus snorted while James corrected half-heartedly, "Don't be rude, Pads."
"What? I'm just saying."
Marlene and Alice also giggled along, but Lily couldn't help spare a look at the door where Peter had run out of.
The convenient friend. The one that was just there. The third wheel.
Lily's had her fair share of friendship qualms, so she couldn't help but feel a little sympathy for the fourth Marauder.
"His schedule's completely different from ours this year, you know?" Sirius quipped. "A lot more free since he couldn't make the cut for Auror."
"Eh, I suppose we need other professions than Aurors in our year," Alice said.
Remus agreed, "Almost all the Gryffindors in our year are planning on becoming Aurors to help with the war efforts."
"Ugh, don't say war like it's definitely going to happen." Alice waved her hands, as if dismissing the thought.
"Ally, be realistic." Marlene stated blandly, "Look at the number of students here; the war's already begun. It's a good thing we're all going to become Aurors," she said, referring to their little group. "Cause this war is going to take every single person."
"I'm not gonna become an Auror," Lily cut-in.
"Hmm?" Sirius asked, looking up from scarfing down his food.
"Lily the great healer," James said softly under his breath.
Lily almost lost her breath caught up in the sparkling fond look he gave her. The way his eyes twinkled and his lips curled just right…
Her eyes slipped down to the opening of his shirt, where the first button had been undone and his tie loosened; the tip of the scar on his chest peeked through.
Technically, James was her first patient.
She remembered the Room of Requirement. The room where she had wiped his chest clean and dressed the wound. Where she had stood, right by his bedside, and held his hands as the disinfectant did its painful work. Where she had wiped the sweat from his brow and comforted him to the best of her ability.
The room where she had her first kiss…
"Ehm, yeah." Lily cleared her throat and then turned her attention back to the group as a whole. "I want to be a Healer. I'm going to train under Madam Pomfrey this year and try to get more experience before I enroll for the St Mungo's work experience programme next year."
"And she'll be great," James added. "She's a natural, after all."
Lily laughed softly to hide her pleasant embarrassment. On the other side, Marlene considered them for a moment. "You never told us that, Lily."
"I guess it never came up."
"But James knew," Marlene pushed.
"Oh uh…" Lily looked over at the blonde, trying to understand what the girl was implying.
Sirius spoke up in the awkward silence, "Anyway. I'm not one to push the homework agenda, but I'd rather get this shit over with cause I know it's gonna pile up."
Throwing out an arbitrary 'see ya later,' Sirius took his bags and left the hall without another word.
"There is no way in hell Sirius is getting an early start on homework." James poured himself another glass of water, oblivious to the prior tension.
Remus snorted into his salad. "I bet 20 sickles he's out on the Quidditch field right now."
Marlene leaned over to wipe a bit of sauce on the corner of James mouth and James smiled gratefully at her.
The gnawing feeling in the center of Lily's chest returned and she realized that she couldn't stay where she was lest the feeling overwhelm her. The dull turbulence thudded in her ear and a shaky feeling in her fingers had her rubbing her hands anxiously on her thighs.
Abruptly standing, she decided that maybe Sirius was on the right track. Maybe she needed some fresh air as well. "Quidditch field, you said?" She remarked half-heartedly to Remus ignoring the boy's response, if he even responded at all.
Quickly collecting her things, Lily said her goodbyes and planned to find Sirius, unaware of the two sets of eyes that were curiously tracking her every move.
Amidst the fascinating interactions at the dining table, Remus and Alice exchanged silent, yet knowing, glances. However blind to it Lily was, this year, it seemed like she was not the only one at that table with green eyes.
Author's Note: Hello everyone! Hope you enjoyed the start of sixth year. I thought fifth year was going to be my longest year, but sixth year may take the cake on that. Get ready for plenty more drama, emotional crises, friendships, and loooove.
As always, reviews are a fanfiction writer's bread and butter, so please leave one if you enjoyed this chapter!
-Basil