35So this chapter was inspired by a song (lyrics below) by Switchfoot.
There are countless stars in the sky tonight
And the city glows with a million lights
But of all this bright that I see tonight
You're the one I want
There are countless mountains left to climb
With these butterflies I still feel inside
But it's just us here in the candlelight
And you're the one I want
There are countless memories lost, forgotten, thrown into the wind
There are countless words I wish I never said
There are countless explorations that I'm longing to begin
But you're the one I want
You're the one I want
There are countless souls wide awake tonight
With the countless questions on my mind
And a million clocks that I can't unwind
But you're the one I want
(Side note: If you have not checked out Switchfoot's latest album Native Tongue, do yourself a favor and go do it now. Great music!)
The ocean water inched closer to the shore as he stared silently at the setting sun. The beer bottle he held in his hand, his third of the night, rested against the arm of the weathered wooden chair that had been a permanent fixture for most of his life. It was a typical picturesque Hawaiian night that made so many refer to his homeland as paradise. But for him, it was just home. And the only place these days that brought him any semblance of peace.
As he continued to watch the slowly rolling waves, he could feel the tight muscles in his neck and back gradually beginning to relax while the slight buzz from the alcohol allowed his mind to drift. The past few weeks had been filled with what seemed like one case after another with many requiring his team to pull all-nighters. After making an arrest to close out their latest case earlier this afternoon, the governor had called him to order all of Five-0 to shut down for the rest of the day. Whether it was the weariness he must have seen on Steve's face in a budget meeting the day before or just simply finding a little sympathy for the extreme workload of late, no one was complaining.
It had been almost a month since he had returned from Montana, but this was the first time he had been still long enough to think back over everything that had occurred. With the stream of cases, not to mention Grace's accident and the endless mountain of paperwork that had been waiting for him upon his return, he had not allowed himself time to slow down. Staying busy helped keep him from having to think about things he was not ready relive. However, he could have done without having to see his niece lying motionless in a hospital bed nor having to watch his best friend fall apart at the thought of losing his daughter.
When he had first walked into Grace's hospital room and saw her lying there, he had felt that all too familiar weight pressing against his chest. Not that one is ever ready to lose someone they love, but in that moment, he was not sure he would have recovered losing her so soon after losing Joe. By the grace of God she had pulled through and at least for now he was spared the burden of having to bury another person he loved. That had been his fear in Montana too. It had been difficult for him to allow Danny and Catherine to go with him to Laos. If the op had gone sideways and something had happened to either one of them, then they might as well have buried him under that old ponderosa pine tree right next to Joe.
He knew Danny had been keeping a closer eye than usual on him since they had been back. When the nights went long and he was sending everyone else home to get some sleep, Danny had refused to leave until they walked out together. He knew his best friend well enough to know that he was most likely using all of the self-restraint he had in him to not bring up the topic of Catherine's presence at the ranch. Had it not been for Grace's accident, he was sure it would have already happened. Then when Danny's attention shifted to Grace and focusing on her recovery, the others on the team seemed to have stepped up in his place to keep an eye on him. While they had every right to question why their boss had been MIA, to their credit, they kept him occupied with talk about their current caseload, never questioning why he had stayed away so long. For that, he was thankful because he was not ready to talk about Joe or Catherine.
After burying Joe, he had stayed in that bullet riddled house alone for days, too numb to think or do much of anything. Memories of Joe had continued to play through his mind like an old movie projector flashing one image after another. Some were better than others, but the one constant theme was how Joe had always been looking out for him no matter the consequences. From bailing him out of jail at Carlsbad, to refusing to leave him alone in Afghanistan even when they were outnumbered ten to one, or always giving him advice whether he wanted to hear it or not. It all been because Joe loved him like the son he never had. While he had been looking at what was left of the house Joe had built with his own hands, it had suddenly come back to him. Just the day before, his mentor, one of the few constants in his life, had given him one last piece of advice. Don't wait, Joe had told him. Don't wait too long to find someone like he had. The regret he had seen on Joe's face in that moment had surprised him. He had been admired for his impeccable military record not to mention the countless missions post-retirement that made the world a safer place, even putting his life in danger on more than one occasion. But one look at Joe's face and he realized all of that had come with a cost. For all the incredible, selfless acts he had done, there were consequences. He had waited too long to find someone to share his life with and now it was too late. He had been telling Steve to not repeat his mistake and end up with that same regret.
That's why, on that cold, windy day in early December, staring out at the land that Joe had loved so much, he had allowed his mentor's words to push him into action. Gripping the phone in his hand, he had hesitated for only a moment before pressing the speed dial button for the number that had been programmed back into his phone months ago. He had no idea where in the world she was or even what time zone, but as each ring of the phone echoed in his ear, he grew more and more desperate to just hear her voice. Just when he was expecting the nondescript voicemail to pick up, he heard the click and suddenly she was there.
They phone call itself had been relatively brief. He told her about Joe and where he was and without hesitation, she said she was on her way. The thought of her there with him had brought about a range of emotions from fear to worry to relief to desperation to have her there. It was selfish of him to pull her away from her life and whatever assignment she may have been in the middle of, but for once he wanted to be selfish. Within a minute of his call, he could hear her throwing things into a bag and within five minutes, she was headed to the airport. No questions, no concerns about picking up and leaving at a moment's notice. Without him even having to say the words, she knew him in a way no one else did and knew he was barely hanging on. Thankfully she had been in Washington for a debriefing after her latest assignment so she told him she would be there by the next morning.
The shifting wind knocked over one of the empty bottles he had set on the table beside him, drawing him back to the present. He had not really processed all that had happened between them in those first few days after she arrived at the ranch. Being with her had allowed him time to grieve, to remember and to eventually focus on the mission that lie ahead. Like so many times in the past, she had been his rock during those days. Her promise to be there by his side, to see this through to the end, had given him the strength he needed to finally get the justice that Joe deserved. But then she was gone. Again. Watching her drive away at the airport in Montana had been almost as hard as the day he watched her leave with the weight of an engagement ring in his hand. As he had turned away from the retreating vehicle, he had held on to her promise of "until next time," but he knew there was no guarantee that time would ever come.
Glancing down at the phone that sat beside the overturned beer bottle, he heard Joe's voice echoing through his head again. He didn't want to reach the end of his life one day and have the same regret Joe had had to. For so long after she had left, he had been so angry with her for breaking his heart and angry with himself for letting her. Then when her cover was almost blown, the thought of something happening to her had driven him to do whatever it took to protect her. Something always seemed to happen to draw her back into his life when all he told himself he wanted was to move on and leave whatever they had in the past. Maybe it was pride, anger, regret or all of the above that had convinced him to keep his distance from her whether physically or in those brief encounters the past couple of years to keep his emotional distance. After her last trip to Hawaii, he felt he was finally getting there and that maybe, just maybe, he was ready to let go. But then Montana happened and everything changed. Now he couldn't help but wonder why he had fought it so long when it was obvious to everyone else what he really wanted.
Much like that day on the ranch weeks ago, he quickly picked up the phone and pressed the familiar speed dial button before he lost his nerve. Downing the last of the beer that resided in his opposite hand, he brought the phone to his ear, waiting anxiously for the ringing to stop. Then it did and she was there.
"Steve?"
Abruptly his mouth went completely dry and the words would not come. While he had been so anxious to hear her voice again, now that she was there on the other end of the line, he had no idea what to say. The silence must have worried her because he could hear the apprehension in her voice as she pleaded with him to say something.
"Steve, what is it? What's wrong?"
"Hey Catherine." Maybe it was a bit cliché whenever someone said their heart skipped a beat just by seeing another person or hearing their voice, but in that moment, he could attest to the fact that it could actually happen. "I just…I guess I just needed to hear your voice."
"You're scaring me, Steve. Are you ok?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I'm okay, I promise. I'm actually at home just sitting outside by the water and I was thinking about you. Is this a bad time? I mean, I don't even know what time zone you are in right now."
"No, no, it's fine," she interrupted quickly, her relief evident as he heard her exhale slowly. "Believe it or not, I'm actually in Coronado so it's not even 9:00. Interesting that you should call now because I was just thinking about you too. Bet you'll never guess where I am."
Sliding his body further down in the chair, he felt his body relaxing as he closed his eyes letting the images from the past float through his mind. "Coronado, huh? Could you possibly be at Leroy's having the darkest ale they have on tap tonight?"
The slight bit of laughter that came across the line made him smile. In their brief joint visits to Coronado, usually one or the other of them had only been passing through, so the majority of their time had been spent on other activities. However, when they did finally venture outside, Leroy's had been one of the few spots they had visited together and it had quickly become one of their favorites.
"Actually, that sounds really good right about now," she sighed dreamily. "No, actually, I'm sitting on the patio at Peohe's staring out across the water at the San Diego skyline with a not so great glass of Chardonnay."
"Peohe's? Isn't that where we…"
"Missed our dinner reservation," she finished for him. "Yep, the one and the same. Food is as good as advertised, but their wine list leaves a lot to be desired."
Peohe's was one of the nicer restaurants in Coronado and where he remembered most of his navy buddies took their dates when they wanted to impress them. That thought made him wish he had skipped that third beer as his stomach began to churn. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize. Didn't mean to interrupt your dinner so I can let you go."
"Steve, wait!" The last thing she wanted was to end this conversation. Not when talking to him was the reprieve she desperately needed after the past few weeks. "It's just me and my Chardonnay at the moment. My parents are in San Diego for the week and it's been awhile since I've seen them so I decided to join them for a visit. They've actually headed back to their hotel, but I decided to stay a little longer and enjoy the view."
"Oh, well that's good, I mean you getting to visit your parents is good." He had to quickly scramble to cover the happiness in his voice that her parents had been her dinner date for the night. "I'm surprised the agency let you have more time off given how long you were just gone. Which I am sorry about, by the way. I know they probably were not happy with you begin gone for almost a month just to help me out."
"First of all, there is nothing for you to be sorry for, Steve. I had finished my last assignment when you called me and given the situation, they were surprisingly supportive. Of course, that probably had more to do with them wanting Greer out of the way than anything to do with me."
Greer. The one name he had tried to forget and hoped to never hear again. Suddenly it seemed the alcohol buzz had vanished and been replaced by a dull throbbing that had his head pounding. Rubbing his fingers against his eyes, he tried to erase the image of her face from his mind. "Lots of lives are better off with her gone. Just wish I had seen who she really was sooner and maybe then Joe and the rest of the team would still be alive."
"Don't do that, Steve. We talked about this already. Greer had been in the agency for years and had learned from the best how to hide her true motives. Even those who worked closest with her had no idea she was a traitor, so there was no way you could have known what she was up to."
He knew she was trying to reassure him but he still blamed himself for not staying one step ahead of her. It has been a mistake ever getting involved with her all those years ago and now others were having to pay for his mistake. Truth was though he was tired of giving her one more ounce of his energy and the last thing he wanted was to waste the few precious minutes he had getting to talk to Catherine thinking about Greer.
"So to show their thanks for taking her out, they gave you more vacation time, huh?"
In typical Steve fashion, she knew he was diverting, but given this was an unexpected phone call with him, she decided to drop the subject. Plus she had some diverting to do of her own. "Not exactly. As soon as I got back to DC after leaving Montana, I was on a plane within the hour headed overseas for a new assignment. That's where I've been until about a week ago."
Catherine had hoped he would let the subject drop there because she really wanted to avoid telling him the real reason she was on leave. It had been one of the more difficult assignments she had been a part of since joining the agency and she had the battle wounds to prove it. The makeup had done a fairly decent job of covering the bruises and scratches on her face, though her beat up hands were a different story. And the bruised ribs, while easier to hide from view, made itself evident every time she tried to take a deep breath, which she tried to avoid at all cost. But of course, Steve knew her well and there was no way he was going to let this go.
"Everything go okay over there?" It probably was not his smartest move pressing her about this when he knew she couldn't really talk about her assignments. There was something in the shift of her voice though that worried him.
The couple at the table next to her took that moment to get up to leave, causing her to shift her chair to let them pass. Unfortunately for her, she had pulled the chair too close causing the edge of the table to press against her aching ribs. Before she could stop herself, she let out a slight whimper as her ribs screamed at her.
"You're hurt, aren't you?" Ever since he learned the truth about her joining the CIA, that worry had always been in the back of his mind. Having seen her in action on more than one occasion, he had little doubt she could take care of herself. In fact, there was no one he trusted more to protect themselves, but the memories of El Condor or their trip to North Korea that would come roaring back to remind him she was not invincible. Just the thought of anyone hurting her had him wanting to fly off to wherever she had been and beat the hell out of whoever dared touch her.
"I'm fine, Steve. I promise it's nothing major and before you even ask, yes I have been checked out and I'm good to go." Now that the jolt of pain from her ribs had subsided she eased back into the comfort of her chair, relishing in how good it felt to have him worry about her again. "The assignment was finished and my boss just decided to give my team a few weeks for some R&R. My mom has been begging me to come visit and when I called she told me they were in San Diego for a mini vacation. I have always loved this area, so it worked out for me to come visit them here."
The story sounded plausible, but he knew she was downplaying her injuries probably in an effort to spare his own psyche, which seemed to be hanging on by a bare thread these days. Despite his worry, the pain he had heard in her voice just moments before had seemed to lessen so for now, he reluctantly let it go. "So how long are you planning on staying there?"
The question caught her a bit off-guard stunning her into silence. The truth she had not wanted to admit to him was that as much as she wanted to see her family, her initial thought had been to fly straight from Washington to Honolulu. For over a month, between Montana, Laos and then China, she had been with him every day, more than the last several years combined. After all that time with him, adjusting back to being separated had been difficult. Even though her work had kept her distracted enough for those few weeks after, when left with nothing but time on her hands, all she could think about was how much she wanted to see him again. Reaching for her glass, she drained the last bit of wine she had left hoping for the liquid courage she desperately needed. Sitting the empty glass back down in front of her, she took as easy of a breath as she could to spare her aching ribs and exhaled slowly preparing herself.
"I'm not sure. I think my parents are about ready to head home, but I was hoping to find somewhere to relax a bit longer. You have any suggestions?"
The teasing tone he heard in her voice was music to his ears and he knew the door had opened for his chance to be honest with her. Opening his mouth to reply, he suddenly stopped. Could he really do this? Could he really give her the chance to walk back into his life? The part of him that had been angry at her for walking away and lying reminded him of the engagement ring that was still in a box, shoved in the top drawer of a dresser in his house. His heart had taken too many beatings over the years and he was not sure it could take another blow if she said no or worse, said yes, only to end up leaving again.
'What are you waiting for, Steve?'
Even though he knew it was not possible, he would have sworn to anyone that Joe was sitting in the chair right beside him, voicing the same question he had asked all those years ago in Afghanistan. The same question that had started him down the road of a relationship with Catherine. The night of the Army-Navy gala had changed his life and he had Joe to thank for that. He had been so scared of losing her from his life that had Joe not pushed him to ask her out, he's not sure he ever would have. So what was it exactly that he was waiting for now? If life had taught him anything it was that time was short. No one was ever promised tomorrow. A fact he had unfortunately learned all too well after seeing too many people he loved die too soon. Why wait when he knew exactly what it was he wanted?
The bravado she had built up with that last sip of wine suddenly vanished at the silence that came through on the other end of the line. She had hoped things had changed for them in Montana, but she must have misread everything. Maybe there was just too much in their past for them to overcome.
"Listen Steve, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"Come here. Come to Hawaii." He knew she was already second guessing herself and he wanted to stop her before those thoughts convinced her to change her mind.
"Are you sure?"
The doubt he heard in her voice made him wish even more that she was already there with him so he could prove to her how sure he really was. "Yes, I'm sure. I know a lot has happened and things got a bit complicated between us in Montana, but there is one thing I know for sure. You saved me, Catherine. I was barely holding on and you saved me from myself. I know I wasn't fair to you, but I honestly don't know what I would have done if you had not been there."
"And if I had it to do all over again, I would do the same thing, Steve. I know what Joe means to you and there was nothing that would have stopped me from being there to help you through that."
"That's why you were the first call I made. You were the only one that could have gotten me through those first days after Joe's death." When he paused, he heard the soft cries coming from the other end of the line causing him to curse himself for being the one to make her cry. "Damn it, I'm not saying this right. Yes, you were the one I needed, but the reason you are that person is because of what you mean to me. It was about more than just survival, Cath."
"I know I've hurt you, Steve. I made decisions that I wish I could take back, but I promise at the time I made them, I thought it was the only way. Maybe one day I will be able to explain it to you. But I need you to understand now though that I never in a million years wanted to do anything that caused you pain. Yet I did and I don't know if there is a way to come back from that."
"What I know, Cath, is that I am tired of missing you. And if I'm honest with myself, I think I've been missing you since the day you left over three years ago."
The tears that were now streaming down her face quickly washed away the makeup that she had painstakingly applied earlier that evening causing the still healing scrapes and scratches to sting a bit. But in that moment, none of that mattered. "I miss you too, sailor."
"So go to the airport and buy a one way ticket to Honolulu."
"Steve, it's not that simple and you know it." What she would give if it really could be that simple, but both of their emotions were so raw right now and she couldn't let him, or herself for that matter, get swept away. "The things that drove us apart before are still there. I'm still in the CIA and I can't make promises to you that you need."
"They gave you this time off after whatever it was that happened over there, which to be honest, I can't even let myself think about how bad it was if the CIA willingly gave you time off for a vacation. But either way they did, so you have this break now. Why not make it a permanent break?"
Exhaustion and the lingering pain from her injuries were starting to take their toll on her ability to form a coherent thought. She knew he wanted it to be an easy fix, but there was still so much baggage she carried with her and there was no way she could put herself in the position to possibly hurt him again.
Pushing himself up out of the chair, his anxiety getting the better of him, he paced the length of the sand as the water lightly touched his bare feet. "I know what you are doing. You are trying to convince yourself that too much has happened between us and it won't work. Listen, yes, I know there is a lot we still need to talk about. Things like why you came back for Kono's wedding when you knew you were leaving again or why I could never really move on even after I told you I would. And I promise, we will talk about all of it, but none of that changes me wanting you here. I love you, Catherine. That has never changed."
Her continued silence was worrying him that he was about to lose her all over again. "Are you happy with the life you have, Catherine? If you tell me that's the life you want, then I will step back and let you go again. But I need you to tell me the truth. What do you want?"
Hearing his vulnerability broke something in her. Truthfully she was tired of running away from the life she really wanted so maybe it was time to stop. "You," her voice cracked as new tears cascaded down her face. "I want you."
"Done."
"Okay, then I guess I have a plane to catch," she laughed through her tears.
"Really?" The weight on his chest was starting to lift as he heard her laugh and he finally felt like he could breathe again. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," she promised. "Because I love you too. You are what I have always wanted. We will have a lot to still figure out, but for now, I just want to be with you."
"Hey, we'll figure it all out together, ok?"
"I know we will. So I guess I better let you go so I can go check out of my hotel and catch a ride to the airport."
"You're really coming." It was more of a statement than a question as he needed to keep reminding myself that this was happening.
"I will send you my flight info as soon as I get to the airport. Assuming I will have a handsome sailor there to pick me up when I get to Hawaii, right?"
"As long as the handsome sailor is me, then yes, I'll be waiting for you."
Hearing those words, she realized they really held a double meaning for her in that moment and she felt the tears filling her eyes again. "Thank you for waiting for me."
"Always," he promised.