You Say I Am Loved

Chapter 3

The twenty two surviving fighter pilots returned to the Enterprise. Lt. Commander Sedgewick waited until they had all lined up in front of him.

"Well done, gentlemen and women. I am sorry to report that Lt. Bruce Campton and Lt. Janice Spellman did not survive." No one replied and there was no joy in their success. "Continue with your shutdown procedure and return to quarters for rest. There will be a briefing with the Captain and Mr. Spock in twenty minutes. Lt. Kirk you will report with me to the conference room."

"Aye, sir."

"You're dismissed."

The pilots feeling the loss of their crew went to their planes and with the mechanics began to refuel and check all systems on board.

Lt. Kirk walked with his friend Lt. Spock, Commander Spock's son, and said, "Could we have done anything different, SJ?"

SJ stopped and faced Lucas. "We did the best we could, Lucas. I do not believe we should think about all of the should haves. It is not logical."

Lucas nodded and walked up to the mechanic assigned to his ship.

Captain Kirk stood at the head of the table with all department heads. Lt. Commander Sedgewick and Lt. Kirk were the last two to arrive. Lt. Kirk still had on his jumpsuit and looked subdued.

Each department gave an abbreviated report of the damages and time line of when repairs could be finished. Mr. Scott kept his report short and to the point.

"Captain, we'll be here awhile."

Captain Kirk smiled a tight smile and looked to Lt. Commander Sedgewick for his report.

"Captain, we lost two young pilots. Lt. Bruce Compton and Lt. Janice Spellman. Damages to the other planes are varied. I will have my report ready by days end."

Kirk nodded and looked at Lt. Kirk. "Lt. Kirk, would you stand please."

Jolted from his gloominess he looked up as Lt. Commander Sedgewick whispered for him to stand.

Lt. Kirk stood and said, "Yes, sir?"

"I want you to know that you and your crew did an excellent job protecting the ship and the starbase. This is your first time losing crew members that were under your command. Everyone in this room knows what it's like. You're going to question every order you gave, every move you made. It's only human. Take some time to rest, but don't bury this under a rug. There are people here, your friends, your commanders and your family that are here to help you through this."

Lt. Kirk looked down at the table, "Aye sir."

Captain Kirk said, "Dismissed, everyone."

Lt. Kirk was the first to leave the room and all followed except Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy.

"Jim, it's going to take awhile. We'll have to keep an eye on him."

Captain Kirk nodded towards the doctor. They all knew the dreary job ahead of writing a letter to the families and keeping the self-blame at a minimum. Trying to put yourself in the families shoes and telling them the details without being gruesome, yet letting them know what had happened is a horrid job, but it is part of the job.

Kirk shook his head from his thoughts and said, "Well gentlemen, it's time to pick up the pieces and get started on repairs. I'll contact Commodore Feldman and see what we can do to help. Spock we'll have to make new schedules for shore-leave."

"Yes, Captain. Lt. Uhura is already talking to department heads."

After a long evening Kirk went to his quarters leaving Mr. Sulu in charge of the bridge. There was nothing to do but inform the Captain of any changes. Lt. Uhura's replacement arrived and she left for her quarters. Shortly after Mr. Spock left and the stillness of the bridge enveloped the two officers. Repairs would begin in the early morning and the quiet would be filled with banging, cursing and prayers to the God above.

Kirk called Spock on the comm. "Too tired for chess tonight, Spock?" he asked.

"I will join you shortly."

After the Captain's comm ended he turned to Uhura and said, "May I join you later this evening?"

Uhura stood and wrapped her arms around Spock's body. He gently embraced her.

"He needs you tonight, Spock. I'll see you tomorrow." She looked up into his face and he leaned down and kissed her.

"Rest well, Nyota." He turned and left his quarters. He stood at the door and motioned that it was clear to leave his room. She touched his hand when she went by and felt the familiar warm sensation. She smiled and returned to her room.

The next day the Captain ended his meeting with Spock and made a ship-wide announcement of curtailing portions of shore-leave in order for the starbase to begins it's own repairs. Crews were sent to help out and others remained on board to be the go-between for departments needing equipment.

"Spock, this is your day off. I'll be on call for the day."

"Captain, I will assist Mr. Scott in engineering. He is expecting me."

Kirk smiled and said, "Go where you are needed, then."

"Good day, Captain."

Kirk watched as Spock left the room. Occasionally thoughts of knowing he and Lt. Uhura had dinner together made him wonder if they were involved, but the time to ask him never seemed to be right.

On the fourth day of rotating crews and schedules Mr. Spock buzzed Lt. Uhura's door. He entered as she called from inside.

She was at her desk reading some communications from her family and smiled at Spock when he came in. He walked up to her with arms behind his back in his usual stance. She turned off her computer and stood to greet him.

He held her in his arms and rested his chin on her head. "Nyota, have you a few minutes to spare?"

She looked up at him and said, "Come sit down. Can I get you some tea?"

"No thank you. I have come to discuss something with you."

"Oh, this sounds serious."

"It is the continuing of our last discussion on mind melds."

She sat and answered, "Oh, yes. It makes me nervous to think about it, but I am curious all the same."

Spock joined her on the couch. "Nyota, it is a joining of the mind and soul, but with an understanding between the two, that this is acceptable. I can only see what you allow me and you can only see what I allow you."

"Spock, why does the connection stay permanent?"

"It is the Vulcan way, but with some Humans it also works. My mother as an example, and...with others. You have a high esp value, and that also helps. Do you have any other questions?"

She reached over and took his hand in hers. When she stroked his two fingers the warm sensation she had experienced earlier came back.

"I love this feeling I get from you."

"The ochzesta."

"Yes, do you experience that from other's too?"

"No, that is for someone who is special."

She looked at him and smiled, "How special?"

'Nyota, do not start something you can not finish."

She straddled his lap and curled her hands around his neck. She ran her fingers through his hair and touched her forehead to his.

"I can finish anything you start, Commander."

Spock's eyebrows flew up to his bangs. "Indeed, Lieutenant. Perhaps you can show me."

The bond became closer.

After several weeks of repairs, it was time to continue their journey. New orders from starfleet came in and they made way for charting a new quadrant of the galaxy.

Due to the many hurried repairs new problems in many systems would show up as they traveled, and all departments were busy. Spock and Uhura spent little time alone.

Spock had returned to his quarters late one evening after playing several distracted games of chess with the Captain. He tried meditating but he could not concentrate, so he went for a walk throughout portions of the ship. On deck seven there was a large observation room and he entered. No one was in the room and he stood by the window gazing at the stars as they went onto their next destination. His mind was troubled and it was interfering with his concentration, even during his work shift. His thoughts were jumbled going from one solution to another.

He was not sure how long he stood at the window when he heard a side door swishing open. He turned to his left and Lt. Uhura walked in.

She stepped closer, but when she saw his face she stopped abruptly and put her hand over her heart. She stared at him and her face showed fear and hurt. She turned and ran from the room.

"Nyota," Spock called. She continued, but he did not follow.

The next few weeks the tension on the bridge between Mr. Spock and Uhura was beginning to be felt and the Captain was sure something was wrong between the two of them. Occasionally Chekhov and Sulu would look at each other and shrug. There were never any cross words between the two, but the silence was chilling.

Mr. Spock spent more hours in the labs than in his quarters and he was unusually quiet at meal times. One morning the Captain and Dr. McCoy had started eating breakfast before Spock came in. He finally joined them with his bowl of Vulcan oatmeal and tea. The Captain and McCoy exchanged a few looks as their friend picked at his food.

"Spock, not hungry this morning?"

He looked up and said, "Not particularly, Captain."

"Something wrong?"

"No, sir."

Bones rolled his eyes at the Captain and said, "Well, after this thrilling conversation, I will leave and go about my day."

Kirk glanced at him and nodded. He too pick up his tray and left for the bridge leaving Mr. Spock to finish his meal.

Tension on the bridge that day went from bad to worse. Lt. Uhura could not concentrate on her work. Twice the Captain asked her a question and she didn't respond right away. She dropped her ear piece twice and slammed the cabinet above her counsel to get a new one.

"Lieutenant, do you need assistance?"

"No, Captain, sorry."

At shifts end Uhura left her post as her replacement stepped off the lift without giving report. The Captain didn't notice it, but Spock did. He went directly to the science lab and began his work.

That evening the Captain showed up at Mr. Spock's quarters. Spock had locked his door and the Captain buzzed. There was no answer so the Captain said into the intercom, "Spock, it's the Captain, can I come in."

He heard, "Enter."

He stepped through the door and saw that Spock was in his meditation robe.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, but I've been wondering if, something is wrong?"

"Wrong, Captain?"

"Yes, Spock, wrong. You've been quiet, working too hard, not eating and the tension on the bridge between you and Lt. Uhura is so thick, we're all walking on egg shells," he ended in a louder voice. He looked at his first officer who stood with his normal serious face, but with more tension in his shoulders than usual. "I am ordering you to fix whatever is going on between you and Lt. Uhura by tomorrow at 0800, or I will. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Good, I'll see you on the bridge at 0800." He turned and left Spock's cabin.

Spock removed his robe and went to his desk. On his comm he said, "Lt. Uhura, this is Commander Spock, please report to my quarters."

There was a long pause and then softly, "Aye sir."

Spock waited and thought about what he would say. His stomach that had been aching for weeks was feeling worse. Finally there was a buzz at the door.

"Enter," he replied and turned towards the door.

Uhura came in and stood in front of the door. "Yes, sir?"

"Please come in and have a seat."

"Sir, what is this about?" she asked as she stepped forward.

"We need to talk."

She stopped and asked, "About?"

"Nyota. We need to talk about us."

"Maybe you should have thought about that three weeks ago, sir," she said in a raised voice. She turned and walked quickly out of his cabin.

"Nyota," he called, but she kept going. He ran after her, but stopped in the hallway because of other passing crewmen.

He was perplexed and he wasn't sure what to do, but he knew the Captain would become involved if he didn't solve this problem. He entered his quarters and paced for a minute.

He left and walked down the hall to Lt. Uhura quarters and buzzed her door. There was no answer. He tried several times before he put in her code. She had changed the code sometime during the last three weeks. He looked up and down the hallway and only an occasional crewman walked by. Using his officer's over-ride code, he opened her door and walked in. Uhura was standing in her room and turned around.

"Mr. Spock, I locked my door," she said angrily.

He stepped towards her and saw tears starting to form in her eyes. "I know, Lieutenant, but we need to talk."

"Please, leave my quarters, sir."

"I will not. Nor do I choose to chase you around the ship any further."

She scowled at him and said, "This is my cabin and I am asking you to leave. If you don't I will call security."

Spock took another step closer and looked down at her with gentle eyes.

"No, you will not, and you will please sit down so we can talk."

"I will not sit down," she almost yelled.

"You will sit down and that is an order," he replied.

"This is a personal matter, Mr. Spock, you can't order me to do anything."

"I can, and I will, Lieutenant. I have been ordered by the Captain to take care of what ever is going on between the two of us or he will. So, have a seat," he said pointing to her couch.

With all five feet and four inches of herself she spun around and sat with her arms crossed on the couch. She wouldn't look at him. Her body began to quiver and she was on the verge of frustration tears. The kind that made you bite your lip, your tongue and the side of your mouth to keep from crying.

Mr. Spock pulled up a chair and sat directly in front of her. He sat with his feet on each side of hers and reached for her hands. She held her hands tight against her body, but he was too strong.

She looked up with controlled rage and saw a softening around his eyes. He gently held her hands in his and spoke softly.

"Nyota, what did you feel when you walked into the observation deck three weeks ago?"

She knew her voice was shaking but she said, "As soon as I saw you I felt you say you wanted to end our relationship."

"How did you know I was on the observation deck?"

"I just felt it," she said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

Spock dropped his head and said, "Our bond is strong," he waited a moment and said, "You were right. I was contemplating breaking off our relationship."

Uhura tried to pull away from him but he held tight to her hands.

"Why, Spock?"

He looked into her brown eyes and said, "I have been having conflicting emotions. I am by my rank required to serve and protect that man on the bridge, even if it means my life," he paused and then said, "but I find that my affections for you may interfere with my duty."

Uhura felt her heart sink to the pit of her stomach. A coldness shuddered through her body. She knew she would have to put in for a transfer and her world would never be the same.

Spock felt a surge of pain from her and he knew he was the cause. He stood up and pulled her close to him.

"Nyota, I worry about your safety and I become distracted. But after much meditation I have concluded that I can serve the Captain and protect you at the same time. I do not choose to let you go."

Uhura's pulse was buzzing in her ears and she was not sure she understood what he was saying. She fell into his brown eyes and through their bond she began to understand what he could not say in words.

"You do not choose?" she whispered.

He nodded and said, "I believe that is what I said."

Looking directly at him she said, "And what is my choice, Spock?"

He turned his head and raised an eyebrow. "Explain."

She dropped her hands from his and slid away from him, "I thought this was a two way relationship."


"What is my choice in the matter?"

"Nyota, I do not understand."

She walked to her small porthole and looked out into the space sky. Her heart pounded and she could hear her mother's voice telling her not to be her normal stubborn self. She felt Spock's close presence and did not want to turn to him. Her mind was fighting her heart. The vindictiveness and the pain were warring inside of her. A soft touch on her shoulder and the caving in of her stubbornness left her in the arms of the only man she would trust with her heart.

Spock wrapped her into his arms and gently held her while she fought the tears that burned her eyes and left her unable to speak. The side of his face rested on the top of her head. His eyes closed as he melded with her mind through his touch.

She heard in her mind and soul, "You say I am loved by you, but I can not feel it. I feel strong affection for you, but I can not speak it. Can you accept me as I am?"

She squeezed his body tighter and answered, "I am yours, and you are mine. Whatever we are, weak or strong, right or wrong, we are one."

Spock could not reach her lips fast enough. He pressed passionate kiss after kiss on her face, her lips, her neck. She reached for his face, his back, his hips. After a long time, they rested in each other's arms.

At 0800 hours Commander Spock and Lt. Uhura walked off the lift and went to their posts.

The Captain turned from his seat and watched his first officer as he took his place. He spun his seat and was greeted with a smile from Lt. Uhura.

Captain Kirk said to Lt. Chekhov, "Ahead on course, Mr. Chekhov."

"Aye, Captain."

And all was right with the galaxy.