Adventures of the Osakan

A/N: This was originally chapter six of Nightmares of New Year but I decided to cut it as I found it unsatisfactory to my intent. However, I can't bear to throw it away either so I decided to post it as a stand-alone story. A new-two part Nightmare would take its place. My first published work (well, a cut, anyway) of 2019.

(Five years, five years of nothing and I've finally put up a new chapter for Nightmares. Originally, it was going to be a Nyamo-centric chapter but it's back to the drawing board for me on that. I would like to say sorry for some fans for putting this on hiatus, especially for one of my readers who eagerly awaited for Osaka's chapter. Fair warning to all as the humor used is different from what I used previously here as it might include some fair amount of political incorrectness. And with apologies to Michael Rosen and fans of My Little Pony. Sorry, if I used the wildly popular content made by netizens about you and one of my first friends here loves that show. I tried to make Osaka's dream as crazy as possible and now it's rambling mess from my very demented imagination. This is to be my longest chapter to date and hopefully my only one.)

Originally published: 07-25-16

Osaka snuggled herself to bed, wanting to wake in the New Year.

Then a gentle breeze rustled her, causing her to wake up. Blinking her wide eyes, she found herself floating among the clouds.

"Hey," she said aloud in her Kansai accent, "where am I?"

"You're in Le Zone, mon ami," said a Frenchman bicycling passed by her - in mid-air! "Where everything is your OYSTER!" He cycled away into the distance into the blue sky yonder. "Hon hon hon." His laugh echoed.

"Really?" Her sleepy eyes wider than usual. Then a thought popped out in her head. "Wait, a minute. How is the world supposed to my oyster?"

Then her bed stopped and tilted over, dropping her to the world below. "Ahhhhh!" Osaka bleated like a sheep as she fell at 200 kilometers an hour. She flapped her wings haphazardly, as though to achieve the power of flute hopefully before splatting on the ground.

"Ahhhhh! Chiyo-chan! Help meh, please save meh with your pigtails!" Just as she said that, a figure swooped in grabbed her just before she hit the treetops.

"Waaah!" she screamed as she dangled on her savior for dear life.

"Osaka! It's me," a cheery helium voice called out. Osaka looked up and saw...

Chiyo-chan with her rapidly flying pigtails!

"Chiyo!" she exclaimed excitedly. "You can fly!"

"I'm ten years old." Chiyo climbed upward, giving Osaka a bird's eye view of everything beneath her feet. "Here, Osaka." She picked something out of her pocket with her free hand and they flew off like missiles, darting around until the clung to Osaka's head.

"You get pigtails just like me," the redhead exclaimed.

"Why? Does that mean I can fly like you?"

"Of course, Osaka. Give a shot." She let the airhead, causing her to drop. She bleated as she fell to the ground. Then shot up back upward, still bleating.

"Osaka, it's okay, your flying," Chiyo called out.

At that point, Osaka got her flight right and got in beside Chiyo. "Wow, Chiyo-chan. It is fun."

"You like it, Osaka? Let's celebrated with a song." They then tweeted the Adventure Time cover of The Queen of the Night Aria from Mozart's The Magic Flute, accompanied by a trippy, multicolored light show.

"That was great, Chiyo-chan. It's good to see that pigtails can help you fly." Then Chiyo zoomed at ludicrous speed, leaving behind a flash.

Osaka was stunned. "Hey, Chiyo-chan. Wait up." She did the same. Two lights streaked across the sky until they stopped by a giant tree.

"We're here," Chiyo announced, fluttering.

Osaka slammed into a branch before stopping. She lost control and fell to the ground. "Owww, that hurts." She massaged her back and dusted her clothes.

Then a Shy Guy appeared. "Hey, are you alright?" he asked.

"Huh? Ah am," she answered.

"Sweet! Thank goodness," said the Shy Guy, hopping in relief. He talked to his mouthpiece, "Okay, people, we found our missing contestant." She took Osaka by the arm and half-dragged her.

"Hey, we're yah takin' meh," she protested.

"We've been looking for you, we almost cancelled the race," he responded. She hurried Osaka to the back entrance of a huge racing stadium, passing by karts being outfitted by what seemed to thousands of creatures and background characters from various games, cartoons, and anime.

"What'cha want meh to do?" she asked.

"The race!"he snapped back, ready for a nervous breakdown. "For the bloody umpteenth time, the race!" They finally arrived on her kart in its starting position and a team strapped her in.

"'Ey wait," she bleated, looking around worriedly. "There's gotta be a mistake."

"No time already," replied the flustered Shy Guy, holding a clipboard. "We're making history." He rushed as the race was about to start.

Inside, the bleachers were packed with people, who waited anxiously for the race to start. The vendors were hawking their wares from snacks to those oversized gloves cheering for their fans. Down below the starting line, the contestants were waving to their wildly-cheering fans and the The Hunger Games OST Horn of Plenty boomed through the pole-mounted megaphones with candy-cane paintjobs.

"Argentina is white!" shrieked Argentinaball. "ARGENTINA IS WHITE!"

"Hue hue hue," laughed Brazilball. "Brrrr, brrr, brrr!"

"Hahahaha," Heavy from Team Fortress 2 laughed heartily. "It is good day for racing!"

Then Wallace Breen announced in all fanfare, "Today, is a great day for racing as more than several hundred contestants assemble to win the Cherry Cup. I am your host, Wallace Breen, here with my good friend, Midget in Bikini. We have an huge crowd today as everyone waits in anticipation for the annual Cherry Cup race to start."

The midget in the skimpy pink two piece took over. "My nipples are killin' me, Walter. If they I get any more excited, I'll explode in delight."

Breen felt uncomfortable. "Ah, thank you for that interesting fact of life. Anyway, we have a lot of heavy hitters from our previous races. Here we have last years champion, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez."

The tall blue-haired man waved to all his appreciative fans, especially fangirls getting wet.

"Wow, he's gotta big 'ole in 'is chest," commented Osaka. "Did he get by a cannon 'all or somethin'?"

"Focus, Osaka," snapped the Shy Guy in into her ear piece in her helmet.

"Ol right." Then she chanted, "get it together, get it together..."

"Over there at Team Hidden Leaf Village is Sas-UKE!" announced Breen, emphasizing the last syllables, since it has homo connotations.

The pale-skinned brooding emo was unmoved, still brooding.

"I like his ass," commented the Midget in Bikini. "You know, he was the winner of the Elimination Quarter Finals. He has a magnificent style to the finish line."

Breen snorted. "If taking a Spiny Shell up the tailpipe is what you call magnificent, he probably wouldn't mind, seeing that he's gayyyy."

"Don't talk smack to my man," protested the gay midget. "Oh golly, over there is lead racer for Team Reich, Otto Gunsche."

Gunsche's kart sat next to Osaka's. The giant listened to Hitler on his own set. "Gunsche," said Hitler, "listen up. This is the defining moment. We need you to win this race and the 300 million Euro prize money. With Brexit, we don't have to worry about Fegelein as his properties and stocks there would turn to shit in a matter of moments that he wouldn't participate in the race. Win this one for the Failure, Gunsche."

La Cucuracha honked loudly and lo and behold! Fegelein! And his making his pimptastic entrance, spinning rims, lowrider bounce, and Tupac Shakur blaring loudly, to his starting slot. "It's Hermann Fegelein!" shouted Breen. "Adolf H.'s hated archnemesis and lead driver for Team Antic Masters. What a dramatic last-minute entrance his making."

From the team box, Hitler screamed at his enemy, "FEGELEIN! What the fuck are you doing here!?"

Fegelein flashed a smile. "Ready to get you ass kicked? I can't let you have all the fun." While Dolfy worked himself into another ranting episode, Osaka stopped getting it together.

"Oh, no, ah never race before," she moaned. "What should ah do?"

Then a figure puffed next to her. It was Chibi Chiyo. "Don't despair, Osaka," she said to cheer her up. "All you gotta do is to get it together and drive from the bottom of your heart."

Then another popped up, Tomo. "Yeah, Osaka, and since this is a kart race, you can do all sorts of things like shooting rockets at people's asses."

Adorable Chibi Sakaki puffed. "No... that's cheating..." she said softly.

Then we have Chibi Yomi, who told her seriously, "No, Osaka, this is only a dream. If you don't wanna race, just imagine your doing something else."

Chibi Tomo snapped at Yomi, "Hey, go buzz off buzzkill! You take the fun out of everything."

She crossed her arms. "Hey, Osaka can decide what she can do in her dream so why don't you just piss off..." So the two chibis argued.

"You're all arguing," she wailed, "mah head hurts."

Then Serbiaball appeared, beret on. "Kill kebab," he whispered.

"ALRIGHT RACERS!" hammed Breen. "Start your engines!"

At this point hundreds of races, under scores of teams, revved up their engines pumped enough greenhouse gas to melt the polar ice caps. Osaka was struggling about how to race as never played racing games, the closet she got to was riding Yukari's car ride from hell.

"I don' know haw ta start the kart," she bleated in worry, trying to gun the engine. "Ah can't do it."

Serbiaball said to her, pissed, "You are of turnings the ignition wrongful the way. Is of anti-clockwise."

Osaka gave the genocidal, Muslim-hating, countryball an odd look as she deciphered his Engrish. Then it light-bulbed. "Aha!" She turned the ignition counterclockwise, which thrummed with power. "Thanks, Serbia."

"Is none of above the, and kill kebab." He popped away from existence.

Breen announced excitedly, "This is it, folks! The moment you'll all be waiting for! An exciting kart race with very real violence and death! Agonizing, painful death!"

Osaka looked up in alarm. "What?"

Then Giorgio Tsoukalos narrated, "Then Lakitu descended from the heavens in his cloud, holding up a traffic light with a fishing pole. Ancient aliens!" Lakitu did exactly that. It flashed red, then yellow, then...


-Luigi Circuit, Mario Circuit & Yoshi Circuit - Mario Kart: Double Dash! plays-

"GO!" At the signal, the racers burned asphalt and burned rubber, racing clouds of dust.

Osaka found the gear shift. "Okay, here we go-" A kart bumped her off sending her into the air. "AAAAHHHH!" The airhead flew through the air and upon landing, her front wheel caught the rear fender of Keiichi Maebara, flipping him backward into the air.

"Oh, shit!" he cried as he crashed into Itsuki Koizumi's kart, which promptly got stuck. The bishie tried to control his car, zigzagging and screeching wildly like an SS war criminal on Alzheimer's, knocking other contestants away, including three exploding into the wall, wheels and bumpers flying.

"Ahh! Let go!" Keiichi cried from upside down.

"You first," Itsuki retorted as he struggled with the wheel, "I prefer little girls." He promptly met with Sasuke's tailpipe, snagging his bumper. Sasuke, in panic, tried to swerve but caught Scuzzlebutt and altogether slammed into a passing ice-cream truck.


It was an ISIS suicide bomb, passing out free Semtex to all the little kids, now a fireball.

"Not yet grabbing an item and already seven racers are down!" exclaimed Breen. "And 'down' as in killed!" Jawas were rushing off screen to scavenge for parts from the knocked-out racers, some flattened by speeding karts.

"My God!" shrieked in Midget in Bikini, eyes wide in horror, "Sasuke's dead!"

"There, there now," comforted the Combine collaborator. "He'll respawn like everyone else, so we can have even more hilarious character deaths, courtesy of TF Industries TM. Anyway, the seven chain kills belong to..." A close of Osaka's wobbly kart, slower than the other racers. "The rookie Ayumu 'Osaka' Kasuga! She made history with an early killstreak!"

But that wasn't Osaka's concern in spite of the racing war being fought, resulting in flaming car parts and driver parts raining around. She was trying keep while being careful, basically Driving Miss Daisy.

"Haha!" jeered Happy Feet the penguin as he zoomed by along with other racers.

"Oh, shoot, what do I a do?"she asked herself. Then an item box spawned in front of her. She caught it and instantly a selection screen popped out, offering her items from Bullet Bill to Otaku's Salty Ranch Dressing to-

She randomly picked an item, Magic Tranny, a Japanese schoolgirl hooker who was actually a boy.

"Hey, that's one of my classmates," she commented. Then she thought, "What was ah supposed to do?... " She looked around as racers did everything in their disposable available to get a lead a lead, from skill to dirty tricks. One guy from Medaka Box flung a banana from behind, causing the Old Lady from Madagascar to swerve out of the way, making room for three or four other racers, one, Ash Ketchum, used his item to launch Pikachu, who tried short-circuiting Sephiroth's kart but hit the high-octane gasoline tank instead, causing him to fly into the air and crash to the ground. In rage, he pulled out Masamune and decapitated a speeding Hernan Cortez of Team Spanish Glory, aka Spain is shit today, even if the Spanish conquistador was not the direct cause of his crash.

It gave her an epiphany. "Oh shoot this is like those games we played at Chiyo-chan's place." Which was Mario Kart. So she ramp her speed and game to something respectable collecting some gold coins, upgrading Magic Tranny to Herpes Tranny, now in magical girl outfit. Osaka pressed the fire button, launched eh, her or him, into the air. It landed a few meters in front of the lead racer.

The lead racer, Makoto Itou of School Days and asshole extraordinaire, seeing a hot chick, swerved to a stop to pick up. "Hello, beautiful..." He grinned with a wolf whistle. He didn't see the Scud missile launched by South Park Saddam, obliterated him in a shower of red chunks. A number of other racers tried to get the tranny but they were too busy killing each other so Saddam was able to pick her and drive to a curb.

"Aboot time for some nooky!" he exclaimed. "Now blow my candle baby." The dicktator of Iraq indulged in sweaty, smutty smex behind the bushes while other racers leave him in the dust.

"Wow, this is fun," the Osakan said happily without realizing the implication of launching a tranny at a dictator. "I should try some more." So Osaka raced up, swerved and was lucky to pick another item, A Blue Spiky Shell. She launched it and she knocked off Team Reich, ping-pong style, knocking off Gunsche, Goebbels, and Monhke. Grawtiz got to commit suicide when his ride flew into the box where his family sat. Heinz Linge became Heinz Ketchup.

"FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN!" an enraged Hitler ranted, stomping around like mad.

"Ah win!" But Osaka's triumph was cut short when the Palmtop Tiger started bashing her wheels against her ride.

"Piss off, airhead!" cried Taiga Aisaka of Team Tsundere. "The cup is mine."

"Now, now," Osaka reprimanded, wagging her finger, "that isn't nice to bump at people like that." Taiga responded with more aggressive bumping, sending Osaka skidding into the greens.

"Okay, that wasn't nice, so I won' be nice," Osaka quipped, her sleepy eyes wide with determination. She put on the gas - at twenty miles per hour.

"Get it together, get it together," she chanted. Then Sadickt Adnan of Team Hetalia, aka Team-Genocide-Denial, racism,-and-Nostalgia-for-a-whitewashed-past-is-so-kawaii, sent her to the air.

"There is no Armenian Genocide," the mysterious masked Turk said in a sauve voice that made girls quiver. "Now, to rape Greece."

"AAAHH!" Osaka bleated once again before she bounce off Mami Tomoe's kart, chopping her head off and grabbing an item box. Turkey passed by her and Osaka, with her cute evil grin, selected a random weapon, Serbiaball.

"Fire!" She fired Serbiaball, who immediately sought out Turkey.

As the Turk was suavely picking targets, he was hit. "Ahh! What the-"

Serbiaball jumped into the cockpit and brandished his knife. "TURK GENOCIDE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!" Turkey screamed like a little girl as the kebab remover stabbed him maniacally on the neck, causing a huge blood geyser that blinded Sekai in the next kart. "REMOVE! REMOVE! REMOVE!" Screaming despite supposedly instant death, Turkey lost control and killed himself and Aizen in a spectacular fireball. Meanwhile...

"Fuck! Fuck!" Saddam was pissed as he struggled to drive while his crotch burned like a furnace, courtesy of Osaka's Herpes Tranny. "That's the last time I'll ever have sex with an Asian dickgirl hooker in sailor uniform," he drawled rapidly in his heavy Canadian accent. "I piss needles for God's sake, can't even jack off." He got an item box. He randomly selected one one and got the AC-130. He grinned. "Just perfect, muahahahahaha!"

Osaka managed to snag one herself and now has two slots, one of the most powerful available. "Sweet."

Saddam activated his perk, the AC-130. "AC-130 reporting, standing by for targeting package," chimed the radio. Grinning, Saddam began selecting targets. He picked one. "Cleared to engage enemy personnel," confirmed the AC-130 TV operator. "Light 'em up, boys."

Keiichi has just respawned. "It's good to be alive again." A 105mm howitzer shell and a smoking crater dashed that hope.

"Jeez, what was that!" cried Kagami when a volley of 40mm Bofors blew her away.

"ORGASM!" Michael Bay cried when he was reduced to mincemeat by 25mm cannon rounds in a spectacular fireball.

The racers began to panic as death rained from above. "Muahahahahaha! This is even fun!" Saddam was obviously enjoying himself.

"Oh no~!" wailed Breen. "Saddam has got himself the most powerful attack item, the AC-130 Gunship. With him wiping the other players off the board, this is looking like a one-sided victory already."

"It is indeed," agreed the Midget. "At this rate, there'll be no one to respawn fast enough to stop him. Also, he's targeting spectators but like dictators everywhere, human rights is the last thing in their minds."

"And the first thing in the toilet. Who'll stop him now!"

Watching, Skull Face cried, "Such a lust for cups... WHHHHOOOO!" He raised his hands dramatically as the stadium burned.

"Oh no!" cried Osaka. "A pirate ship from the sky is shooting people." She then pressed selection screen and picked one of the megabombs at her disposal. "Yay, ah selected EMP... " She took a closer look on the screen. "Oh wait, that was EMP, then what ah just picked? And what is EMP?" Just as she said that, a car just broke into the racing ring. Osaka looked up at the sky...


-America, F*$k Yeah! plays-

The silver Toyota Corolla with a wrecked body job bounced on the pavement. "YEEHAWW!" cried Yukari. "Time for some asskicking!" He began plowing other racers off the road, flattening a few.

"This isn't a race anymore!" ranted Hitler. "This is a clusterfuck!" Team Reich's pitstop was shelled to oblivion.

"Get reckt!" Yukari flashed an evil grin as she clipped Sergeant Foley's kart.

"RAMIREZ!" Foley cried in distress. "Save my ass!"

Breen jumped up from his seat. "Oh my! Osaka can too play that game! She just selected Born to Be Wild! That silver Corolla just creamed Ryoko Asakura!" The blue-haired psycho was thrown off her kart and tried to chase Yukari - on foot! - when she got run over by Shion Sonozaki.

"Satoshi-kun!" she screamed and laughed her trademark witch laugh.

"Spoil my game, will you!" Saddam began to target Yukari with the Spectre. The AC-130 started hosing down on Yukari, who dodged a hurricane of steel spat out from the gunships broadsides in awesome Initial D fashion - actually, she just wrecked her car some more, starting with the headlights and rear side doors.

"What!? The buggery is this!" Before Saddam can override the gunship, he got a hard-on that immediately stung him in pain "Fuccckkk..." He almost lost control of the wheel and said woody accidentally tapped the screen on his tablet computer he used for picking wimps for the slaughter, selecting himself.

"Target received," chimed the radio.

"Wait, no-" Saddam Hussien was blown away. He was singed and still gripping the steering wheel when he flew into the air. "This is bullshitttttt!" Then he landed on a giant unbaked pie shell, was slathered with filling, then covered tightly with dough before being shoved into oven at 357 degrees Fahrenheit, in fifteen minutes he'll be Saddam Pie!

"So, that's what I selected," Osaka chimed as she marveled at Yukari crashing the party. "Miss Yukari!"

Yukari slid in beside her. "How ya doin', kid!"

"Well, my dream's going along swimmingly," Osaka replied and absentmindedly released the EMP. "Woops."

-America, F*$k Yeah! stops-

A bright blue flash from the sky shone over the air and the karts stopped. This caused many racers to bitch and moan loudly.

"Oh no!" exclaimed Breen in mock despondence. "Osaka unleashed the EMP! All electronics are out. Except ours~! Good thing we have hardened electronics and backup power supply. Our racers, on the other hand, have to make do with pedal power in their carts."

-Final Lap - Mario Kart: Double Dash! plays-

"You're right, they're gonna have to be squeaking chains on this when," commented Midget. "But in the place of items, they'll have to duke it the old fashion way." As if to underscore the point, Lavrenti Beria was pedaling to the metal when DJ Mullah Omar lassoed him with his bike chain and strangled him to death. Several useless harem protagonists went into a brawl over whose chick harem is better or deserve more chicks. And Saddam's gunship, power snuffed out, crashed into the commentators' box, killing them both.

"What the hell, Osaka!?" cried Yukari angrily as the Yukarimobile sputtered to a stop. But while Yukari was hopping mad, Osaka was chugging on.

"Yay, I'm about to win first place," she said jubilantly as crowds cheered with their raw voices and applause.

-Final Lap stops-

Then her kart gave out the ghost just an inch before the finish line. The crowd moaned in despair. "Oh shoot." Osaka looked sad. Then kart lurched forward on its own, crossing the line.

-Victory Lap - Mario Kart 64 ost plays-

The crowd exploded in triumph as Osaka won. The mayor of Townsvilles walked over to the Osakan and handed her a huge golden cup. "Here you go, Osaka."

"Yay, I can now show this to Chiyo-chan." Her eyes went wide as she marveled at the cup. Then Konata Izumi popped out from the cup.

-record scratch-

"Hi, Osaka," she chimed with her catlike smile. "Shall we play a game?"

"Huh?" Before she knew it, Osaka was pulled down the rabbit hole.

Ayumu found herself falling down a rainbow spiral, seeing all sorts of things floating around.

"It's intermission time, cracka," Yuki Nagato said in her scary black guy voice.


-The Gummy Bear Song starts-

In a sunny baseball field, a green Gummy Bear was hopping around to his heart's content.

"Oh, I'm a Gummy Bear yes/ Yeah, I'm a Gummy Bear yeah," he sang close to the microphone, "Oh, I'm a Yummy, tummy, Funny, Lucky Gummy Bear."

Hopping around and robot-dancing, "I'm a Jelly bear, Cuz I'm a Gummy bear,/ Oh I'm a movin', groovin', Jammin', Singin' Gummy Bear" -he knocked the 'phone, then flipped back with his foot - "Oh Yeah!/ Gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy, gummu bear/ Gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy bear." *Plop!*

He rolled down the road on his Cadillac lowrider. "Boing day ba duty party/ Boing day ba duty party/ Boing day ba duty party party pop!" He faced the reader. "Boing day ba duty party/ Boing day ba duty party/ Boing day ba duty party party pop." *Plop!*

Now his in a western. "Oh, I'm a Gummy Bear/ Yes, I'm a Gummy Bear! / Oh, I'm a Yummy, Chummy, Funny, Lucky Gummy Bear./ I'm a Jelly bear, Cuz I'm a Gummy bear, /Oh I'm a movin', groovin', Jammin', Singin' Gummy Bear." He did a commando roll. "Oh yeah~."

While he jammed into a beat, saying three times that we can bite him, he saw the Team Fortress 2 soldier on the wooden bridge he was driving to.

-Gummy Bear stops-

He slowed to a stop.

-Painis Island (actually Yoshi's Island edited for Painis Cupcake) starts-

The stranger sang, "I am Pain-is Cup-cake!/ I am Pain-is Cup-cake!/ I am Pain-is Cup-cake!/ I will, I will, eat, eat, you!"

The bear was perplexed as the strange man was singing his ditty, dancing like a stop-motioned character. He blinked twice.

The guy was gone.

-Painis Island stops-

Painis Cupcake stood behind him in the rear seats and stooped over, "I am Painis Cupcake," he whispered. "I will eat you." His face broke into a nasty smile.

The bear shot gumdrops and sweated maple syrup. He regretted saying three times we can eat him. "Oh no." Loud chomping ensues.


Osaka found herself in a beautiful, very pastoral forest. The sun shone brightly in the clear blue sky with a rainbow, the casts of Rio, Angry Birds, Over the Hedge, and the Madagascar movies were having a party to the beat of I Like to Move It. "Wow, that's change in scenery. Where do I go from here?"

-Konata Healing Springs starts-

"He-y, Arse-suc-ka," a voice from above called out. Ayumu looked up to see Michael Rosen in the sky, eyes seemingly bugging out of his head.

"Oh, hello, Mr..."

"I -Am- tEh king," Michael said in his fucked-up voice. "And ALl - U -seE HERE - is mY - KiNgDom" Last one pronounced like condom. "You - can - call- meh- Michael- Rosen. This - place - is - better - than - Equestria - with - those - p-o-n - y fap- pers."

Osaka was puzzled by what he said, the least of all from his fucked-up way of speaking. "Yah know, yeh should see Miss Yukari. Shay's an English teacher."

"You - are - not - gonna - help - me - fuck - the - bro-n-i-es?" Rosen's eyes went bigger.

Osaka was even more confused. "I don' under'stand. Are you related to Chiyo's dad?"

-Springs stops, Higurashi OST Oshin plays briefly-

Michael was insulted! His face turned into a trippy kaleidoscopic array of colors. "O-kay, I - will - give - you - THE! - Michael! - Ro- sen Rape," he threatened. A creepy smile filled his face as his wide eyes bore down on Osaka, who only stared back with a blank smile.

-Peace Walker Main Theme plays-

Gunfire rent the air, causing Michael's mug to check what's going on.

"Leave that poor girl alone, demon!" Princess Celestia challenged as the the ponies, Venom Snake's Diamond Dogs, the Screaming Eagles, the Big Red One, Leonidas and his 300 Spartans, the COGs of Gears of War, Task Force 141, MACV-SOG, the crew of Fury with Wardaddy on the tophatch, Commander Shepherd aboard the Normandy, Raynor's Raiders and their Protoss friends, Jon Snow with the wildlings and 62 good men of House Mormont, the Polish cavalry from the Polish-Bolshevik War, Ridiculously Photogenic Syrian Rebel, and Kratos appeared to do battle.

"Fu-ck!" Rosen spat. "To-o can - play - that - game." He transformed himself into ST-84 Metal Gear Sahelanthropus with his mug still on. "Death - to B-e-s-ti -a - ilt - y!" He summoned Vladimir Makarov, the Orcs from Lord of the Rings, the North Vietnamese Army, Cordis Die with Raul Menendez, the Waffen SS, Heihachi Mishima, the Tal'Darim and Mobius Corps, the Combine, House Bolton and vassals led by psycho nutfucker Ramsay, Albert Wesker, the Brotherhood of Nod, Semyon Budyonny and his First Cavalry Army, Slenderman, and ISIS to his side. Thus an epic battle ensued. The part animals prudently ran for their lives over to the next valley.

Manly death, horrible death, explosions that titillate Michael Bay, epic set-piece battles, tactical analysis and more you can expect from this epic and insane engagement.

While everyone was shooting, meleeing, and chucking arrows, spears, and bullets to each other, Osaka wandered off. Then a wild Vaas Montenegro appeared.

-Spongebob OST - Tomfoolery plays-

"Have I told you the definition of insanity?" he asked her.

"Uh, no," Osaka replied sheepishly.

"Well, then." The batshit insane King of the pirates of Rook island, the Joker expy of the Rook Islands, slid by her side. "Let me tell you a little story~..." But before he could, a huge explosion occurred. "FUCK!" Vaas growled as he stomped off back to the woods. "Do I have to do fucking everything myself!? Can't those pussies handle that Christopher Mintz-Plasse pussy?" He spun to Osaka. "Whatever you do, don't burn the weed." He then moved off.

"The weed?" Osaka looked realized. She was in a marijuana plantation. "Okay."

Tomo then parachuted downward, landing next to Osaka. "Hey, Osaka, you should burn the weed. It's fun!"

She wasn't sure. "Ah dunno, Tomo. The weird guy with a shoe brush for hair said that ah shouldn't burn the weed."

"Don't be a prude, Osaka." Kagura hopped out of the bushes. "What's wrong with burning weed?"

"Yeah," Tomo added. "Let's do it as a team, Team Bonkuras."

"Okay," Osaka quickly agreed as she was wont to do.

All three girls cheered, "Yay!" Fists up in determination.

While they were frozen in their victory pose, Osaka asked the obvious. "How do we burn all this weed anyway? And why? Are they choking the life out of other plants?" The weed plantation was the size of Texas.

Tomo rubbed her chin. "Can to think of it, how do we burn the weed? Hmm... Aha! We just use a match and a tank full of gas."

Kagura look at the vast weed field. "I don't know, Tomo. We could use something for than a tank full of gas."

Osaka raced a wobbling arm. "Ah know. We should just use a magnifying glass and burn the weed with sunlight."

The two girls blinked at her. "Osaka, that's never gonna work," said Kagura.

-Spongebob OST - Tomfoolery stops-

Then a manly voice from the sky called out, "Hey, kids! Looking to have some fun?"

"Yeah," Team Bonkuras replied eagerly.

Then a jet plane dove out of the sky like an eagle and then someone jumped out of its hold. SAXTON HALE!

The man dropped from the sky at 8,000 feet and made a three-point landing with ubermanliness! "So kids, what do you want for fun?"

Osaka mewed eagerly, "We wanna burn down this weed field."

"I just got the thing for you." He handed over to Osaka a flamethrower.

"Ohmygawd." Osaka was in awe of the heavy burning weapon.

Hale then handed Tomo a flare gun and a SPAS-12 with Dragon's Breath rounds. "Sweet!" chimed the wildcat.

Then the macho businessman gave Kagura a flaming sword. "Awesome."

"Have fun, kiddos!" Hale jumped into the air like Superman.

They hopped in joy, cheering about like drunken sports fans.

-Make It Dem Burn by Skillrex feat. Damian Marley, Far Cry 3 plays-

"Look all this weed," exclaimed Osaka.

"Yeah, EXTERMINATION!" Tomo cried out.

"T'was a good for weed whacking," said Kagura.

The Bonkuras began to burn away the weed fields like crazy. They really enjoy roasting stuff - including any dumbasses who stood in their way.

"Have a drink," taunted a Molotov-swilling guard. Tomo blasted him with Dragon's Breath.

"Eat this," Kagura cried as she cut some guy in half as well as burning some weed.

They took down the weed-processing plant and destroyed a shipping warehouse. At that group of guys hid in one part of the field, preparing to lay an ambush. They were fricasseed by Osaka in seconds. Sultan Erdogan of Turkey was running for his life as he did not want to end up like a turkey. Such was the fun for the bonklers. And Osaka was in the thick of it.

-Do You Believe in Magic by John Sebastian plays-

"Why is mah fire green?" Osaka marveled at the flames of the flamethrower, fueled by Wildfire aka the magic napalm from A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones. The fire was so magical it seems like a rainbow as he spread love and joy across the field. She also happened to do the same to the baddies scattered around.

"Lalalalala~," she sang, skipping along as a gang ran for their lives, screaming bloody murder. Everything burned green as ashes flew in the air like confetti.

She saw a copse of weed that was missed by her colleagues. "Say bye-bye, bad weeds." With her usual blank smile she unleashed a ball of green flame on the clump. Then she skipped along, leaving behind a blackened patch of earth and some blackened skeletons smoking behind.

The fun and games was over when Osaka maxed out the flamethrower. "Ah, no good. I lost fuel."

-Do You Believe in Magic by John Sebastian stops, MGS3 OST Return of the Migs plays-

Argentinaball popped out, pointing his Luger at the airhead. "Manos arriba!"

"Ah! Don't shoot!" she bleated, dropping the empty flamethrower.

"What is your secreto of being so mucho blanco!?" he demanded angrily.

"What?" She habla no Espanol, or Engrish for that matter.

"Of being white!" He cocked his pistol. The Hispanic ball was desperate of being considered white, not like his Negrito neighbors like Brazil or Chile.

"Ah, ah don' know," she said desperately.

The Kool Aid Man appeared on a motorcycle with a sidecar. "Oh yeah, motherfucker!" he shouted cockily. He tossed the ball a box of Oxybleach.

"Oh Dios mio!" squealed Argentina, who caught the laundry powder in his non-hands. "I can finally into branco!" He poured the powder happily all over himself and sniffed its clean white smell. He instantly got bleary-red eyes. "Soy the mostest whitest princesa ever~," he said dreamily. Don't ask what that white powder is. Doesn't take three guesses.

"Osaka, we gotta save the world," said Kool Aid Man. "Hop in." The Osaka jumped in the sidecar and they rolled out.

-Medal of Honor Underground OST - The Motorcycle Chase plays-

"Thanks for the help, Mistah Kool Aid."

"Oh yeah," said the talking pitcher of red. Then the codec chimed. How did it get into her ear? She pressed TALK. "Hello?"

"Osaka," began Colonel Campbell. "I got a mission for you."

"Huh? What kind of mission?" she asked uneasily.

"I need you snag my porn stash over at the next valley. And also I need you to stop Metal Gear Rosen from destroying the world."

"Ah, no thanks, ah think yah got the wrong guy for the job," she protested.

"Well, tough titty. You're all we got." He hung up. Then an ice cream truck zoomed beside her.

"Hey, Osaka," Tomo shouted from the window. "Mr. Shoe Brush guy wants to see you! Kagura, step on it!" Then it vroomed off.

Vaas shouted from a technical, "You little bitch! I told you not to burn the weed but nooo! You just had to do it!" He cocked the machinegun. "I'm gonna skin myself a Japanese schoolgirl." He laughed like crazy.

"AAH!" she bleated in terror at the prospect of being skinned. "We gotta do somethin'."

"Not to worry." Kool Aid turned up the throttle and it zoomed.

"Run, Forrest, run!" Vaas taunted as he fired the machinegun.

The duo dodged machine gun fire from an angry psycho pirate, doing loop-the-loops, jumping over fallen logs, and running over endangered species, crashing through delivery trucks carrying bottled water.

"Get some! Get some!" shrieked Vaas as her fired his gun.

"Ah, it's no good!" Osaka said worriedly. "We ain't loosin' 'im."

"Use the machine gun, Osaka," said Kool Aid, tracers streaking by. Osaka looked at the machine gun in front of her.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, noticing it for the first time. She hefted it up and-

A bump on the road tossed them a bit and the gun fell off. "Ah no. I lost the machine gun."

"Think of something! Quick!" the talking pitcher said desperately.

"Ah." She pulled out something from her pocket. "Ah got a banana." Another speed bump rocked the bike. "Oh shoot." The banana fell of the ground.

"Hahaha! You're mine bitch!" But the technical rolled over the banana and began to spin out of control.

-The Motorcycle Chase stops-

The jeep was sent pinging across the woods like a pinball before falling of a cliff. Vaas' last words: "Fuuuuccckkk youuuuuu!"


"Yay! We won!" She pumped her fists in the air - slowly.

"We're not out of the woods yet," reminded Kool Aid Guy. "We need to stop Metal Gear."

"But how," she wailed. "I can't stop a giant robot."

"Sure you can," he assured her. He held out an object. "But the secret weapon needs to defeat is at the battlefield." With that he poured in the coals and vroomed back to the forest where the forces of good lead by Princess Celestia battled the forces of evil lead by Michael Fucking Rosen.

"This is hopeless," cried Pinkie Pie. "No matter how many we kill, he'll just summon more."

"We can't put a dent in the armor," complained Rainbow Dash. "What do we do now?" Then a motorcycle was heard and they saw their hero.

"Look!" cried a Terran Marine. "The chosen one!" They all cheered as Osaka arrived.

"What's all the fuss is about?" she asked.

Princess Celestia came and said, "You're the only one who can use our most sacred weapon against Michael Rosen."

"What's that?"

"The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch." At this a group of monks carried a chest ceremoniously, with beautiful singing, bring it to the party of hero, which was opened to reveal a gold orb with a cross on top.

Her wide eyes "So that's a holy hand grenade? How does it a work?"

Celestia turned to Twilight Sparkle. " Consult the book of armaments."

King Leonidas said, "Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One."

Twilight cleared her throat. "...And Saint Ishida raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O ANON, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.' And the Anon did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths-" Leonidas thoguht it meant they it lazy people-" and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu- "

"Skip a bit, Twilight," Molestia suggested.

She chuckled. "It's fun reading it." She continued, "And the Anon spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

All gathered concluded, "Amen."

"Great, we know how it works but how do we get her close enough to kill the bastard?" asked Soap McTavish.

Then Venom Snake stepped forward. "We form an elite team to get her through to throw it."

-LOTR: FTOTR OST Council of Elrond plays-

"A fellowship?" asked Sparkle.

"Yeah." He asked everyone around. "Any volunteers?"

Leonidas stepped forward, pumped up. "I shall go. Ayumu Kasuga, you shall have me and my three hundred Spartans."

"Ahoo! Ahoo!" cried the Spartans.

"You shall have my lances!" said a Polish uhlan officer and his horsemen stood ready.

"And my rocket launcher," said the pretty-boy Syrian rebel in a suave tone.



*record scratch*

Michael Rosen just knocked everyone off their asses by plastering the whole place with toasts from his multiple toast launchers mounted on his shoulders. "Kill -me - will you? Time - to - fuck - you -up!"

-Metal Gear Solid 2 OST - It's The Harrier plays-

Snake coughed. "Way to ruin an epic moment, Mike!" He shook his fist at him. At this moment Rosen's minions swarmed their lines, creating an intense life-and-death struggle. Princess Celestia was goring them with her horn; Brad Pitt and Co. were recreating there last fight scene in the movie; it turned into a Starcraft II multiplayer match, followed by a CoD multiplayer match full of cursing little kids; Leonidas and his merry band of red-caped and leather-undie clad Olympic guys were killing ISIS like flies; the Battle of the Bastards ensued; Russians and Poles clashed on horseback, and Venom had to battle the AI weapons despite not being the real Big Boss.

"You need to go, Osaka!" Celestia called out desperately with an ISIS stuck on her horn.

Then Kool Aid Man skidded to a stop beside Osaka. "Oh yeah! Hop in. We need to take this motherfucker!" Osaka got in the sidecar.

"Osaka, catch!" The Ridiculously Photogenic Syrian Rebel tossed his RPG. Osaka caught it this time and the bike zoomed off, zipping by combatants.

-Harrier stops-

The enter the wrecked field where Michael Rosen stood in his mechanical glory. The woods had become dark and now its fields with Dota 2 characters played by Russians.

"Giff me chakra mayjic or I kill you!" threatened a Pudge.

"Give me mana," requested Tiny. "Give me mana."

"Okay, I give you mana," complied Crystal Maiden with the voice of a lanky twenty-year old dude. "You give me tango."

"Okay," replied Tiny. "I give you my deek."

"Give me mana, fucking kotol!

"Give me mana, bitch!"

"Cyka blyat!" And on and on they went. But the leisurely trip wasn't to last.

-MGS3 OST On The Rail Bridge plays-

"A-ha!" ST-84 Michael Gear Rosenanthropus shouted. "I - found - you! Prepare - your - an-us!" He armed his multiple toast launchers and toast railgun.

"Oh yeah, motherfucker!" Kool Aid Man cockily increased speed.

"Oh no!" cried Osaka.

Rosen launched his first volley of toasts at the little motorbike. Kool Aid handily dodged them all while Osaka forget her fear and cheered in delight.

Rosen began tracking them with his railgun "Eat - this! With cream!" He fired.

"Hahahahahahaha," Osak laughed as the ride became more awesome but it turned to fear when a giant French toast loomed at high speed. "Ahahahaha!"

"OH YEAH!" Kool Aid man did some awesome bike stunts to dodge the toast, which exploded behind them.

"Take - this, you - little sh-its!" He launched his second volley of toasts, this time tightly grouped. Kool Aid Man swerved erratically, causing Osaka motion sickness and she threw up at Mr. Kimura, who was hiding in a crater.

"Ahh! I'm visually impaired!" cried the ero-teacher in agony before a toast ended his existence.

Osaka replied by firing the forward-mounted MG42. The stream of bullets had no effect on Mike, who smiled bck with an even more deranged expression. "You - just- made - me -harder!"

Rosen began to charge the huge toast railgun. "Oh yeah, motherfucker!" Kool Aid stood up and aimed the rocket launcher.

Osaka pointed out the obvious. "Hey, if yo're gonna fire the rocket launcher, who's drivin' the bike? And it's pointed at the wrong direction."

"Oh no!" he exclaimed and accidentally blew himself up. And without a driver, the bike swerved uncontrollably.

"Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!" Osaka was too scared for her life to try to control the bike. Then turned to a ramp and was launched into the air.

-On The Raild Bridge stops-

"Oh no! What should I do?" Osaka wailed in despair. Then she noticed a red button that said IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. She pressed it quickly and the motorcycle fell apart but she didn't. "Hey, why ah'm floatin' in mid-air?"

Her answer came when she looked down: she was standing on Michael Rosen's hand! Which swooped her up and brought her to face level. His smile was even more menacing. "I -h-ave - you - now! Time - to bang - you -up!" Osaka screamed, which in that height sounded like a 'baah'. A slightly howling wind answered her distress. And she sweatdropped.

"What should I do now?" Then Chiyo-chan appeared beside her.

"Quick, Miss Osaka!" she pleaded. "Use the Holy Hand Grenade."

"Oh yeah." She pulled it out of her pocket. "Wait... how do I use it?" Chiyo sweatdropped.

"Think back," she suggested. This the Osaka thought back.


Twilight recited, "... First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it..."

"That's it!" Osaka pulled out the Holy Hand Grenade and prepared to throw it. "Right! One... two... five!"

"Three, Osaka," Chiyo corrected.

"Three!" The grenade flung on its own accord and flew into the mouth of Rosen's madness. The grenade clinked loudly against his teeth in his cavernous piehole.

Rosen felt it and blinked his eyes. "Is - that - the - best - you - can - do? I - was in - V-e- it-nam! I used -to -drink na-plum -in the morning." He laughed in his fucked-up voice and fucked-up sentence structures. Then Michael cried out in pain as his mouth shone brightly. It became louder and louder, brighter and brighter until...


Rosenanthropus burst into a conflagration like the Death Star. Osaka was now sent further upward in the air.

"AAHHHHH!" Osaka was still screaming as she found herself among the stars.

"Ah, there you are," said Michael Rosen in a perfectly normal voice, no poor sentence mixing, and his distinctive accent. "Just in time to join me."

Osaka, blinked twice and stared. She was on the rear cockpit of a biplane by the way. "Ohmgawd," she exclaimed, eyes going white in shock. "You're still alive."

"That wasn't me," Rosen replied from the pilot's seat. "That was an evil robot created by Mr. Kimura to rampage across the multiverse. We need to put a stop to him!"

"Where is he?" she asked and touched her leather pilot's helmet.

"Aboard the Yamato!" With that Michael Rosen flew higher in space in his Fairey Swordfish biplane torpedo bomber mounting Harpoon anti-ship missile 'tween the undercarriage despite the fact that they are in an airless vacuum full of temperature extremes, dangerous radiation, and the fact that a flimsy wood-and-canvas biplane shouldn't be there at all, much less carry a sophisticated ship-killing rocket.

-Team Fortress 2 OST - Intruder Alert plays-

They came upon an epic battle between Starfleet and the forces of Mr. Kimura, led by his flagship, the IJN Yamato, equipped for space travel with faulty nuclear powerplants salvaged from scrapped Soviet submarines and Portal's GLaDOS as the central supercomputer. "Here it is," Rosen exclaimed. He then radioed, "Enterprise, this is Plum Man. I'm beginning my attack run."

"Affirmative, you are cleared," said the radio.

"Hang on, Osaka! This is gonna be rough ride.

"Ah don' think this's sucha good ah-dea," she said doubtfully but Michael just dove the plane at the Yamato.

Aboard the ship itself, Kimura, dressed in sartorial robes looked at the tiny threat found on GLaDOS's radar screen. "YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE!" He did the neck-cracking thing.

"How about one last showdown?" quipped Revolver Ocelot as he activated the defenses.

Suddenly, the lonely little biplane was going through a hurricane of exploding puffs. "Ohmygawd!" remarked Osaka, being rocked the near misses.

"Tally ho!" cheered Rosen as he began his attack run. "Osaka, I need you to man the rear gun. I need you to watch my back before I blow one up the jacksie."

Osaka mumbled, "Not again." A plane swooshed by her. "OHMYGAWD!" It was the Crazy Squadron, consisting of the Anti-SOS Brigade led by Yukari Tanizaki in a Focke-Wulf Ta 152.

"Hello, frauleins!" she taunted as her minions prepared to attack. They then swooped at the tail.

"Not this time," she mewed with determination, firing the Vickers K at their attackers but Osaka was slow and they were so fast liked they used steroids, which they did, and speed hacks. While Osaka was vainly trying to knock them down...

She shot off the tail to ribbons.

The Swordfish lurched forward. "Osaka, what just happened?"

"Ah'm sorry," she said sincerely.

"Aaahhhh!" They both screamed as the plane began to plummet in space. Will this be the end of our hero? Find out in the next episode!

Osaka woke up slowly. "Wow, whadda dream." She commented. "I shoulda neve' watch Sink the Bismarck for New Year."

Then Dave Lister of BBC's Red Dwarf popped out from beside her bed. "Good day to you, Osaka," he greeted excitedly. "Try my Shammi Kebab Diablo! It's smegging awesome. It's like eating molten lava!"

"Ah, no," she protested in horror. "I can't eat spicy foods."

Kanade Tachibana strode in her room. "Try my Mapo Tofu, it's good for those with mild taste," she said stoically.

"No! You understand-"

"No! You don't understand." It was Yomi in a sexy devil outfit and a sadistic grin punctuated by glinting glasses. "You have no choice. You have to eat all the spicy food presented to you." Osaka was surrounded by plates upon plates of spicy dishes. Yomi laughed sadistically while Osaka despaired.


"Huh?" Yomi was puzzled when a hawk took Osaka away.

"Where am ah?" she in puzzlement.

"Time to wake up, Osaka," said the Hawk in an Murican accent. "Let's go to Mount Fuji and eat some moussaka."

Osaka woke for real. She blinked her eyes and looked around. "Gee, I wonder what's moussaka?"

(Osaka? Moussaka? Get it? Sorry, bad pun. Up next, Nyamo or Sakaki? Who knows. Tell me what you think via Review or PM.)

A/N: Why did I cut this? This chapter was too action-packed and quick to suited for Osaka's characters, much of it doesn't have her the focus or driver of the fic, and minimal involvement of the AzuDai cast. I hope you enjoy this.