20 years later
The room was too crowded for Silas Zenobia Kinney-O`Neil's liking.
Her step-brother Brandon was holding on tight on her arm, as if he was afraid that she was going to run away any moment – Silas couldn't blame him, not really: she had no idea what was preventing her from leaving that place filled with people in black, chattering like it was a party and not a fucking funeral.
The young woman stared at her parent's caskets as she sat in the front row of chairs. She had to admit, her aunt Jennifer had done a really great job setting this all were outside and the weather was warm, though it didn't seem to match the mood. Her parents were dead, how could the sun be out?
"Silas," Todd´s voice was sounding strange. Bereft of the mirth and strength it usually displayed. Silas looked up from the papers she was currently working on and looked at her step-brother. He looked crestfallen, his skin pale and his eyes shining with tears.
"Todd, what happened?" Silas asked as she stood up and walked around the table to stand in front of the crying man.
"I just got a call," the red-hair sobbed. "I-I-It´s mon and Brian. They had an accident."
Silas looked around to the people who came today. No one was crying, and that made Silas want to all the more because it meant she couldn't.
"…the car came from the side and crashed into them…"
"…internal bleeding…several ribs broken..."
"…dead on impact…"
"…there was nothing we could do…"
She was not a little surprised that Mikey wasn't sobbing and clutched pathetically against his mother's chest, face a red mess. Although given that it was Michael, Silas was lucky there was even room on Brian's casket he could consider clinging to, that Michael hadn't already taken the position.
Linsday as holding Mel's hand, who might have looked a little shaken but please. And then there was Gus. Standing stricken between his two mommies and biting his lip, looking confused as though the idea of his father dead in a car crash was some riddle that needed solving. Silas felt a wave of heart-panging sympathy for him. Hr lost his father like her. Even they don't know each other as her parents with Mek and Linsday didnt take along, they never found the time to meet improper.
She spotted uncle Drew, because he was too big not to notice, uncle Emmett, who was talking with uncle Blake, both of them with red eyes and strained smiles on their faces, Molly and other associates from her parents firms talking as if it was just another Monday, even if some of them did look a little uncomfortable, as if they weren't sure they were supposed to be there.
They weren't: if you asked Silas, that funeral would have been only for Brian and Heidi Kinney-O`Neil's family and friends, no co-workers or damn neighbours allowed – Silas had stayed far away from the neighbour responsible for all that; she didn't want to hold it against her, she did realize that it was unfair, but she still preferred to not have anything to do with her.
There was also uncle Ted, standing in a corner and looking extremely sad, and hands were gripping her arms as in an attempt to hug herself, and Silas was almost temped to go to her, trying to comfort her or maybe trying to find out if she could understand her pain. Uncle Tucker was standing next to Jennifer and Todd.
A cluster of flowers surrounded Brian and Heidi's casket as well as a picture of them and there was a podium ready for the priest and whoever was going to talk.
"How are you doing?" Emmett said quietly, squeezing her hand. Silas hadn't cried for a long time last night, the alcohol making her pass out again. But he stayed and when the woman woke up and threw up, he thankfully showered, shaved and accepted the three cups of coffee he basically forced upon her.
She shrugged, keeping his gaze on the caskets. She was glad it was closed; she didn't think she'd be able to see them like they were…dead. It was bad enough looking at the picture.
"Are you gonna read the eulogy or do you want me to?"
Silas looked down at the crumpled paper shaking in her hands. She really didn't want to get up in front of everyone, especially when she was already close to breaking down. She couldn't let people see her weakness…but also, this was for them. She had to be strong for them.
The man smiled and then went back to soothing Molly. Shee took a deep breath and pretty soon the priest got up to the podium and spoke for a few minutes before asking if anyone had some words to share. Jennifer went up, then Todd, Brandon, Mike, and then it was her. But she couldn't seem to get up. Why couldn't she move?
"Silas?" Jennifer whispered, appearing in front of her. "Are you okay? Are you sure you don't want me to read it for you?"
Silas shook her head. Shee could do this. She took a deep breath and stood up, making her way to the podium. She cleared her throat, glanced up at everyone and then down at the paper.
"Most of you know me as Silas Kinney-O`Neil . The daughter of the most narcissistc ,sassier and more likely evil couple to the whole world..."
Jennifer was smiling and Silas could hear some people chuckle around him. Molly and Todd were two of those people. Silas herself cracked a smile, but it tasted bitter, like she was forced to do it.
"My parents taught ne how to be stoic, temperamental, cunning, and pretty, yet could kill you with a glare. I swear that they're looking down on us right now, fucking an angel up the ass while they laugh at us because we're crying over them at a funeral."She paused as a couple of people chuckled at that.
"Bitch please."Todd whispered."Don't be silly. You know that there's a special place in Hell made specially for Heidi and Brian Kinney"
Silas cleared her throat again."One of ny favorite momeries is when I was 6 year old. I told Daddy one day that I liked mom's kind of music. So for my seventh birthday he took me to the symphony. It was just me and him. Mom made me dress up and said I looked really pretty. Daddy and I sat real close to the orchestra. He didn't have to tell me to be quiet, I sat and listened and I loved it. After he asked if I liked it and would I want to go again. We used to go every Christmas... "She couldn't say anymore, Silas turned to the casket and sniffed before going back to sit down. Uncle Tucker placed a hand on her knee and smiled sadly. The rest of the funeral went by quickly. The priest said a few more things before Brian and Heidi's casket was lowered into the ground. The group dispersed after that. But not Silas. She couldn't make herself move. She couldn't get her eyes off the hole that was currently being filled with dirt. It was over. Her parents was never coming back.
"Silas?" Molly said, coming up behind her. "Do you want me to take you back to your place?"
She shook her head and got up. "I need a drink." Before Molly could say anything, Silas walked away and caught a taxi, but when she got dropped off, Silas looked at the door before changing her mind.
Silas was looking herself at a mirror remembering that everyone always said that she was a perfect mix of her parents. The woman had brown hair that was wavy at the tips, and fell to her shoulders, with a simple eagle feather dangling from the side of her hair. Her eyes were a silver blue that contrasted her flawless light brown skin...she was beautiful obviously, but what was interesting was the fact that she had such a sweetheart face, yet something about her screamed "don't fuck with me".
Her parents was her word. They tought her everything she know about life.
No excuses. No apologies. No Regrets
Have so much belief in yourself, others opinions of you aren't even considered.
Kindness can be your biggest weakness, don't break your back for people that don't appreciate you.
Let them hate, just make sure they spell your name right
They made her a perfect copy of them. She was a sarcastic bitch with perfect comeback, always 100 steps ahead of everyone. She had learn to be a ruthless woman who has a calm, composed and level-headed demeanor, rarely ever losing her temper or giving into emotions.
She sat on the lumpy mattress, ignorinig the dust that rose up from the action, before curling onto her side and sobbing. She sobbed so hard she thought she might just come undone. The tremors that wracked her entire being were so violent she feared she would certinaly break in two. Something slid from under the pillow she rested her weary head on, stabbing her in the cheek. Silas slowly sat up and lifted the pillow to reveal a stack of letters from underneath. From them she recognized her mother's own hand writing. Slowly she unwound the string that bound them together. As she read the words so carefully written on the first letter her tremors subsided. She could almost hear Heidi's voice through the words. Could see him hunched up over the desk pouring his everything into them.
If you read this letter it means that I and your father have died. I don't know if I should have written your letter to tell you the truth, I don't know where to begin with this secret. I have been storing this shattered figment inside of my heart, hoping that it never existed.
Your father and I met in an age of darkness, we were different people, we were selfish and we didn't believe in love. We believed that love made you weak.
We came in each other life in a perfect timing. I was loosing myself in life and your father in love. Life and love isn't about what you gain, it's about what you give
But that was the problem.
Your father and I were the same. We were broken and abandoned without hope. People used to say about us that we are uncaring and amoral nature but all this is bullshit:It was just our walls.
Walls that were destroyed without understanding it.
Your first love of your father was Justin Taylor. Yes. Your cousin was the boy who destroyed Brian Kinney. They met outside of Babylon and Justin fall in love without knowing the concequenses. The pain. The heartbreaking. The tears.
Your father pushed Justin away because of his fear for love and care. After 3 years that we moved to New York, your aunt Jennifer informed us about Justin`s wedding. Your cousin father left your father with a broken heart and came back home with me empty inside. My Brian was gone, lost in the haze of broken memories and shattered feelings.
I can no more describe how Brian was after the wedding. It was rather ironic to see Brian admit his feelings to me about Justin.
It was your birth did I see even a ghost of that beautiful sparkle held in those eyes of his. He was ecstatic that you inherited Justin's eyes!
We never regretted having you. You were a gift for us. You are the only thing of love that blossomed between your father and I, and for me, that was my fondest wish from then on. I thank you with all my heart. I still can remember when you were crying when they laid you in my arms, you wouldn't stop, but then I took your small hand and whispered, "Little girl, don't cry. I love you." You quieted instantly my little angel and stared at me with you big, big blue eyes as if you were asking, "Will you always love me?" I will, baby, I'll always love you, you're the light of my life, the center of my universe, you're my everything.
We'll all love you, your Daddy; that incredibly proud man that looks at you with tears in his beautiful eyes; me; your Mommy, you're Uncle Tucker, your Auntie Jennifer, your brothers and cousins . You can always count on us, little girl, we'll hold your hand; we'll protect you, so close your eyes and sleep.
Maybe we won't always be there, little girl, but your Todd and Brandon would sooner destroy the world then let you feel pain. I don't feel strong enough to live as long as I'd want, little girl, I fear I won't have my biggest wish, to see you grow up, but maybe the gods will have mercy and grant us a bit of happiness...
I love you, little girl, don't cry...
Love your mother Heidi Kinney-O`Neil.
Silas's voice broke over her liege's name, her throat too constricted to speak further.
Silas let the letter slowly float toward the floor as she simply let go. It was a refreshing action, letting go of the blame she'd held since that night.
She already knew about Justin and her father. She was not stupid. She have been knowing that the marriage of her parents has not based on love but on respect for each other. Brian did love Heidi, but it's nothing compared to the feelings he had for Justin.
Maybe in another life they would have been together; maybe they would have had their happy ever after. Maybe they would have had a couple of kids and a white picket fence with annoying neighbors that asked for sugar constantly. Sadly, this isn't the other life. This life they have strayed away from each other and only watched from far away.
Forget Romeo and Juliet
Forget Jack and Rose
Forget Frodo and Sam
Forget Buffy and Angel
Nothing Nothing will ever be as tragically ,beautifully, heartbreaking as Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor.
A comment, please!