(Outside the Opera House)
Amanda: There she is.
Bradley: Hi Sara.
Sara: I can't believe we're getting extra credit just for going to an opera.
Bradley: You ever sit through an opera before? We're earning it.
Sara: Oh! There's Zack.
Amanda: Zack, huh?
Sara: No. No, no. It's just that... he's just someone we know from... school. Ya know? How's my cast?
Bradley: One of your best.
Sara: Excuse me. (Sara eagerly runs over and starts walking next to Zack) Hey Zack.
Zack: Sara? Uh, I mean "Hi Sara" ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What are you doing here?
Sara: Extra credit for Mrs. White's class. You can sit with us, in the center, if you want, I bought an extra seat in case mine got destroyed.
Zack: How would your seat get destroyed?
Bradley: It's best not to speculate.
Zack: Ok. (Zack stops walking) That's why I'm, well, I'm a little nervous. What I love about opera is that it is so well rehearsed and predictable. And the thing is, there's just so much can go wrong... (Zack moves his hand over Sara) in this general area.
Sara: Oh, that. (Sara dismisses her worries with her hand in the cast, which makes a cracking noise. This momentarily stops Sara as he grits his teeth and nurses his cast) Oh, don't worry. Murphy's Law or not - the show must go on! (Sara assumes a dramatic pose with a finger in the air and her looking out into the distance)
Zack: I hope so. Because it's just that I have... (He pauses as Sara continues to look into the distance. Zack eventually touches her cheek to help snap her out of it) Sara?
Sara: Hugh? Oh.
Zack: Because I am using three of my schedule enjoyment hours for this.
Amanda: You schedule your time to enjoy things?
Zack: How else am I going to fit it in?
(Zack hands Amanda his schedule)
Bradley: Wow. Every minute of your day is accounted for.
Amanda: Wednesday from 10:50 to 10:55, peel and eat an orange.
Zack: This opera takes exactly two hours and eleven minutes. Plus I set aside an extra 1.5 minutes for an ovation, just in case, it's really good. My enjoyment hours are very precious to me, nothing can go wrong.
Sara: Don't worry Zack, I'll be there to help.
Zack: Oh that's...great.
Amanda: You realize that you can shave a good three minutes of your orange-pealing time if you switch to tangerines.
(Brick and Savannah stand behind a counter in the opera house foyer)
Savannah: So, what's with the big ugly tie?
Brick: This is an ascot.
Savannah: The last time I wore something that big they brought me a lobster... What I'm saying is that it looks like a lobster bib... When you're in a restaurant and you order a lobster...
Brick: I get it!
Sara: Excuse me, may I have some pistachios, please?
Brick: I'm sorry my good woman, but it seems we're fresh out of pistachios at the moment.
Savannah: Yeah, we're all out.
Sara: But aren't those pistachios right behind you?
(Brick and Savannah look around at the four pistachio dispensers behind them)
Brick: Yes. Well. Uh. You see. Those are... display pistachios.
Savannah: We're not allowed to sell display pistachios.
(Brick produces a gummy bear)
Brick: Wouldn't you prefer a rubbery like woodland creature to chew on instead? Hmm?
(Brick rhythmically squishes the gummy bear in front of Sara)
Sara: Actually, I'd really prefer some pistachios, please.
(Brick continues to look at the gummy bear while he squishes it)
Savannah: I think he's hypnotized himself.
Brick: Fine! I'll give you four.
(Brick starts turning a dispenser wheel clockwise. Savannah grabs the wheel to stop him)
Savannah: It's righty tighty, lefty loosey.
Brick: I know how dispensers work!
Sara: What's the problem? Are you guys new at this?
(Savannah and Brick freeze with fear for a second)
Brick: That's a rather presumptuous accusation!
Savannah: Yeah. It's not like we tied up the guy who usually does this and stashed him in the basement.
(Bob is seen tied up and stashed in the basement. Staff 1 walks by)
Staff 1: Man, that's a long way to go for a night off Bob.
Savannah: Here, give me a boost, there's got to be a lock or something up here.
(Brick lifts Savannah up so he can reach the top of the dispensers)
Brick: Would you please hurry up.
Savannah: I don't see anything up here... but hey... I think... there's a...
(One of Savannah's feet knocks a dispenser wheel clockwise and pistachios start pouring out)
Brick: Well, what do you know, it's a righty loosey dispenser. Wow, wow, wow.
Savannah: Woooow! Oof!
(Brick slips on the pistachios on the floor and Savannah knocks all the bottoms of the dispensers off as he falls. The stall quickly fills up with pistachios.)
Sara: Oh no! Hold on.
(Sara opens the door to behind the counter and a stream of pistachios knocks him down the nearby stairs to the basement)
Brick: You had one job.
Savannah: Yeah, you had the same job.
(Amanda, Zack, and Bradley are in their seats)
Zack: I think you'll like this opera. It's about a morally conflicted crime boss who's seeing a therapist.
Bradley: Whatever. Extra credit's extra credit. Oh, it sounds like they're ready to start. Where's Sara?
Amanda: I... better go find him.
(Sara emerges from a pile of pistachios in the basement)
Staff 2: We've got pistachios all over the place.
Staff 3: Are you bragging or should I get a broom?
Staff 2: How is that even bragging?
Staff 3: I'll get a broom.
(Staff 3 grabs a broom but knocks over another one in the process, which falls on a lever which raises a platform that Sara is on onto the stage. Sara quickly packs all the pistachios into his suit and runs off stage as the curtains open.)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: How dare a Baritone to come into our deli. He's lucky I don't punch him in the belly…
(Mr. Mezzo Soprano continues singing in the background as it cuts to backstage where staff 3 stands with staff 2 who's eating a corndog.)
Staff 3: Uh, those lights up there. They seem a little loose to me.
Mr. Mezzo-Soprano: And as they sing against our wishes…
Staff 2: Eh, they'll be alright. 'Less someone accidentally leans on that backdrop too hard, to hit that fireman's ax, causing it to fall to the floor, startling that rat, who runs into that lamp, causing it to fall over, knocking into those ties off, causing that rope to come loose.
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: ...someone's sleeping with the fishes. We hear you, boss. We hear you, boss…
Staff 3: Wait a minute. Wow, wow. How could that lamp hit those ropes?
Staff 2: No, no, no. Not that lamp. That lamp and those ropes.
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: And so a Baritone...
Staff 3: Oh, I see. What about that sandbag over there?
Staff 2: Not important. Anyway, if all that happens, then I suppose you'd have a problem.
Staff 3: Eh. Good enough I guess.
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …And though he walks while I'm talking…
Staff 2: Or that rope could just slip off because I didn't really tie it very tight.
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …He's not seeing where he's walking…
(Staff 3 looks over at the corndog Staff 2 is eating)
Staff 3: Say, where'd you get that?
Staff 2: I got a stash in back. Come on.
(They both go off to get more corndogs. The rat watches as the rope slips off and the lights dangle above the actors)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: em…You know that Baritone thinks he's going to tell us…
Sara: Oh! Better make sure those lights don't fall and knock out those actors. That would seriously mess with Zack's enjoyment hours.
(Sara climbs to the walkways above the stage)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …I'll box his ears and all he'll hear is ringing. We hear you, boss, yes…
(Amanda peaks out from behind the scenery to check with Bradley)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: em…We hear you, boss. Yes. You certainly get the point across…
Bradley: Oh no Amanda, look.
(Bradley points and Amanda looks up to find Sara swinging from a free-swinging light, trying to grab the other ones)
Mr. Mezzo Sopranos: …We'll soak him in spaghetti sauce…
(Diogee runs past a distracted Amanda onto the stage in an opera Viking helmet)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …Of course! Then he's going to wake up in a hearse?
(Mr. Mezzo Soprano looks confused at Diogee)
Zack: I don't remember this opera having a dog in it.
Sara: Diogee... Go home.
(Diogee turns and leaves. Sara manages to grab hold of all the lights.)
Zack: This is different than the last time I saw it.
Bradley: (Bradley takes a deep breath) Deep cleansing breath.
Zack: Don't you yoga me!
Baritone 1: He's singing on our turf. You know I think he wants to fight us
Baritone 2: If he doesn't watch his step I'm gonna give him laryngitis
Baritone 3: It was just a minor stanza. We're not going to…
Amanda: Sara, what are you doing?
Sara: I'm making sure nothing goes wrong back here.
Sara: Zack's scheduled enjoyment hours don't just grow on trees you know. She only has two hours twelve minutes and changes if there's an ovation.
Amanda: Yeah. I think that ovation ship may have sailed.
Sara: I just hope nothing else goes wrong.
(A broom slips, knocking over a ladder, which breaks a fire extinguisher off the wall, which shoots off towards the stage)
Amanda: And that ship is sailing right now.
Baritone 4: He'll be sleeping with a mackerel.
(The fire extinguisher crosses the stage and startles two actresses in the other wing. The cast continues to sing as pieces of scenery and the fire extinguisher flies around them.)
Actress 1: Aaah!
Actress 2: Ah!
Baritones: This is war.
Baritone 3: That's not your call to make.
Baritones: A music war.
Baritone 3: This is a big mistake.
Baritones: We're going to war.
A person in a sheet: Aaaah.
Baritone 3: Why can't you see?!
Baritones: A music war.
Baritone 3: Stop singing over me.
Man in giraffe costume: Aaaaah!
(An actor off stage falls back to avoid the fire extinguisher but inadvertently pushes a lever. A sandbag gets released from the wall.)
Baritones: This is war. A music war.
Sara: Oh no!
(Sara quickly flips a switch that lowers the platform the onstage actors are on into the basement, narrowly missing the sandbag)
Baritones: We can't avoid it any...
(Sara holds the sandbag against the opposite wall with a plank)
Sara: Amanda, flip that switch back.
(Amanda flips a switch and a platform holding Bob, still tied up, raises onto the stage)
Sara: No! The other switch.
(Bob is lowered off stage and the actors rise up again)
Sara: Hoo! And no one's the wiser.
(Bradley massages Zack's head)
Bradley: You're a calm blue ocean.
(Sara and Amanda look to the stage as a new scene begins. Mr. Mezzo Soprano is sitting with his therapist)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …That Baritone's a bother. He's not singing in my key. And now I've got this music war. It's such anxiety Oh where...
Amanda: Hey Sara, look at the chandelier. It's slipping.
Sara: Well that's not good. I'm on it.
(Sara grabs the rope holding up the chandelier as it slips off but she is pulled up with it. A knot in the rope snags on the chandeliers hook on the roof, halting it's decent but leaving Sara swinging around the stage. Sara closes her eyes as he heads right towards a window. But she rips through the backdrop and immediately retires the rope on a nearby notch.)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …It keeps me wide awake at night and gives me panic attacks. So I come here to your office to tell you all my thoughts. There are also issues with my mother!
Therapist: I'm afraid that's all the time we've got.
(A large section of ventilation ducts falls onto the stage behind the actors)
Sara: Oh boy. That was probably my bad.
(The chandelier rope rips and the backdrop falls over Sara)
Sara: Uh oh.
(The chandelier crashes onto the stage. The Therapist gets up from her chair just before a pillar from a nearby set falls on it. A shade falls off another building as she walks off stage. The orchestra conductor shrugs. Mr. Mezzo Soprano signals him to continue)
Sara: I better get out of here before something else...
(Something else falls on him, pinning him to the ground)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …Come on Baritone...
(The posts holding up the sign saying 'Little Italy' fall over, interrupting the play. The orchestra shortly restart their piece)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …Come on...
(A glass door falls off a building. The orchestra restarts.)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …Come…
(A rack of lights falls onto the stage. The orchestra restarts.)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …Come on Bari...
(Scott runs across the stage while being pursued by a duck)
Scott: Uh. Ah. Aaah! Aaahaa! Oo. Aahaa! Aaah!
(The orchestra restarts)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …Come on Bari...
(Two buildings collapse in their turn. Mr. Mezzo Soprano checks nothing is happening and then moves to continue. The back screen of the set falls down followed in rapid succession by a stretcher, a log, a person in a canoe, a cat, a tire, a rotary telephone, a shield, a light, a sandbag, a chest, a globe, two old men playing checkers, and a man holding a poodle. Mr. Mezzo Soprano hides his face in his hand as his former seat catches fire. The orchestra restart for the final time.)
(Bradley finds Zack unresponsive due to shock.)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: …Come on Baritone, it's time for a fight. Step out of the shadows and into the light…
(Sara frees himself)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: ...That was your cue we haven't got all night…
Sara: Hey, Mr. Baritone. You're on.
Mr. Baritone: I'm not going out there.
(Mr. Baritone throws off his bandana and leaves. His car can be heard screeching away, leaving Sara aghast)
(Zack croaks as he finds it hard to breathe)
(Sara grabs the bandana)
Sara: The show must go on. (Sara runs onto the stage) I'm over here!
(Sara moves a fallen pillar out of his way and comes to face Mr. Mezzo Soprano. The two stare at each other for a few seconds.)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: You're slimmer than I remember.
Sara: It's the physique that I was cursed with.
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: I'll admit that I'm confused. You're not the one that I rehearsed with. I think we've gone off book now, I believe this scene we're botching.
Sara: But I feel we should go on because there are all these people watchiiiiiiingg...
(The two take a second to look out at the audience)
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: So I guess that you're a Baritone and now we have to fight. I'm a Mezzo Soprano and it all ends tonight.
Sara: Actually, you sing between a tenor and a bass. And that makes you a Baritone. Your hostility's misplaced!
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: Say what!
Sara: Mezzo Soprano is your family name. But you all sing in baritone. That makes you all the same.
Mr. Mezzo Soprano: Wait a minute Mezzo Soprano is a family name. But we all sing in baritone. That makes us all the same. You're right!
(All the cast make their way on stage)
Cast: Mezzo Soprano is a family name. But we all sing in baritone. That makes us all the same. We are all baritone!
(A platform rises onto the stage carrying Diogee)
Sara: Diogee go home!
(Zack rises in the silent crowd and starts clapping. Bradley follows and soon everyone is applauding. The cast takes a bow. Though some of them have to run off a little early as another building collapses, revealing Staff 2 and Staff 3 eating corndogs)
Bradley: Woooohoooo! That was amazing!
Zack: Bravo! That was surprisingly entertaining. And including the five-minute ovation, it was actually shorter than it usually is, so I've got time for pizza.
Amanda: That sounds like a plan. Let's go.
Zack: Ok. Let's go.
Sara: Who knows what will happen there?
Zack: Don't push it.