Burning The Midnight Oil

Chapter 37

Love and Hate

~Nino~

She regretted leaving almost immediately. The roads out of this old ghetto were dark with few streetlights to brighter her way. It was not so late that she could expect to be alone. People were moving about their day still, heading to or returning from dinners, meetings, families, coming and going as easy as pollen riding the wind. And most them turned to watch the girl struggling with two suitcases.

She hated it. She hated standing out when all she wanted to do was hide. Some of them saw her as a curiosity, like a wayward tourist searching for their hotel nowhere near the touristy part of town. And others, well, some men saw her differently in a way that was too familiar. It wasn't only those boys that made her hate that look. She'd been getting them since before she had curves. That's just the way so many men chose to look at women, even little girls. She bore it. But now it was just another rucksack weighing her down. And she knew that she was just one girl, alone, with heavy burden.

What big arms they had. What they could do with those arms. And would anyone bother to help her if they tried?

Maybe it was irrational, not all men were like that. But enough were. Those two boys proved it. She feared meeting a third.

She regretted leaving Futaro behind. She looked over her shoulder hoping to see him follow. He hadn't, and he wouldn't. He was lost like her. And she was too far away for him to catch her now. Where was her knight in shining armor when she needed him? She sent him away.

But she couldn't forgive him. Not this time. Not for the hatred he bore her sister. She understood it, early on she even accepted it. But to see it flaring up now like a geyser bursting through rock was too much to bear. Couldn't he keep it to himself? For her? Couldn't he understand that she loved Ichika and nothing would change that? And couldn't he see that his hatred hurt her just as much as his target?

She was a hurricane of mixing emotions. Her body had not fully settled from their earlier passion, she still felt wetness and emptiness below, but it was overshadowed by shame and disgust and now anger and hopelessness. Too many blaring emotions to make sense of. She just wanted to go numb and stop feeling everything at once. She just wanted to go to her room and hide.

And that's what she did. She braved the night sky and the looks and the weight of her luggage all the way home. She was sweating, it layered with sex sweat and she wanted to peel off her skin. She rode the elevator to the top floor and quickly unlocked their apartment door. She would have given anything to find it empty and avoid questions. But luck was against her tonight. Miku was studying at the table. Nino didn't want to talk to her. She didn't want to be seen.

She hurried to the stairs while ignoring Miku's greeting then her question. She hoped Miku understood that Nino wanted nothing in the world but to be left alone. She lugged her suitcases and her bag up the stairs and hurried into her room. In these four walls she could be alone. She hated it, but she didn't know what else to do. She was scared to see anyone else feeling all of these things at once.

She checked her phone. She hoped against herself that Futaro texted her. She would have accepted anything, an apology, an explanation, anything. She hated this feeling of him against her. But her phone had no messages to share. She set it down and climbed into bed. She was alone at last. With nothing but her thoughts and her fears and her shame. One by one they turned into regrets and no one was there to stop them.

~Miku~

It was Thursday evening. Her homework was done and she finished her extra assignments from tutoring after school. On any other night like this she might enjoy a lazy evening with a game or perusing old documentaries online. But tonight she reviewed logarithmic equations.

It wasn't that she discovered a newfound appreciation for mathematics. Struggling through these equations which Futaro insisted followed some form of logic she couldn't comprehend was an uphill slog as arduous as an afternoon hike. But she persisted. Because there was something more important than history documentaries and the great Sengoku warlords. She had something to prove.

She lost her top spot to in their final exam to Ichika, who somehow out-studied her while working overtime while Miku was busy making chocolates. And Miku was sure she bombed the mock exam. She arrived late after helping Futaro to contact his father, so she hadn't even finished the first section. Not that it mattered much, she couldn't focus the rest of the day. Not after leaving Futaro at the nurse's in such pain. Even if she scraped a passing score, it wouldn't reflect her true talent. What would Yusuke think when he saw her score? Would he consider her wasted effort again?

But she wouldn't let that happen. There would be more tests before the mock exam results came back. She'd prove herself before. She wanted him to see her as someone capable of improving, someone who could meet his expectations. She knew she was falling back into a pattern. It wasn't so different from when all this tutoring began.

But it was different, because Yusuke was different than Futaro. Futaro was always number one, he stood at the top of the mountain for so long he was bored with the view. But Yusuke was familiar with failure. He was perpetually second best, always falling shy of his goal. And although he put on a strong front to the world, it wasn't real. It was a facade behind which he hid his frustration and disappointment. The same as her.

Futaro was perfection. So of course he would fall for her gorgeous, wonderfully talented older sister. They were perfect together. Miku didn't begrudge them any more. But someone like Yusuke, she felt a different kinship with him. They lived the same struggle. So she wanted to succeed and show him it was possible. And when she did, she wanted him to recognize her and see her as worthwhile. Maybe she could even inspire him, too.

Miku wondered if it was wrong to fall in love again so fast. She couldn't betray a man who didn't love her back. If she was happy settling in as friends, it was okay, wasn't it? She could love Yusuke in turn. And maybe this time she would be loved back.

But first he had to see her. She would work hard and make herself known in his eyes. She might be the most unremarkable of her glorious sisters, but she will struggle on until she shined like a general's gleaming spear. If just this one person recognized her as she wished, it would be enough.

When the door burst open and Nino rushed inside with her burden, Miku rose to help. Only by the time she was out of her chair Nino was halfway across the room. "Nino?" She didn't hear her and lifted her massive luggage, carrying it up the stairs. She groaned like she was push-starting a lawnmower. "Nino, let me help."

At this point Miku knew she was being ignored. She watched her sister storm up the stairs and caught her profile. She caught her sister's frustration and despair and saw her failing attempt to hide it. She huffed like a train engine burning through coal as she reached the top step. She entered her room and shut the door.

Her instinct was to stand still. It served her well through most of her life. Except recent experiences propelled her into action. She remembered this impulse from before, the same one that forced her to Futaro when he fell, and to Yotsuba when she ran. She learned that it was through movement that she progressed and became important to others. And then there was the inescapable fact that this was her sister Nino. Nino doesn't run away, so if she did it was from something terrible. Miku remembered all those times over the past weeks when Nino fought the odds and came for her. She refused Miku's rejection and persevered to maintain their sisterhood. Nino loved her and would always come for her. Miku would do the same. She was done standing still.

But she wouldn't go alone. She walked past Nino's door where she heard soft sobs and headed for the second door from the end, right before their father's room. She knocked on Itsuki's door. She knew Itsuki was inside relaxing, enjoying her long-abandoned privacy. What she did Miku didn't know, that was part of the deal. When doors were closed they respected that barrier. Even quintuplets need their privacy. And secrets, Miku pondered.

Itsuki answered the door a moment later, asking, "What is it?"

"Nino's home."

"Is she? I didn't hear."

"She looks bad."

Itsuki's brow furrowed, it was her familiar look whenever something threatened her family. "Where is she?"

"She's in her room. I wanted to go together."

"Come on," Itsuki said and headed for Nino's room. She didn't hesitate. Miku loved that about her youngest sister. She was her own inspiration.

Itsuki knocked on the door, "Nino? Nino, can you open up?"

"Go away," she called from inside.

Miku said, "It's just us. Nino, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, just leave me alone."

Itsuki hardened and said, "Nino, I'm opening the door." They didn't have locks, they never needed them before.

"No! Don't come in!"

Miku said, "Nino, please open up. Or we will."

Itsuki waited another ten seconds, but Nino didn't say anything as if hoping they wouldn't dare barge inside. Itsuki took a deep breath, said, "We're coming in," and opened the door.

They couldn't see her right away, only her luggage left haphazardly around her room as if abandoned where they stood the moment she closed the door. Then Miku noted the shuffling sheets on the bed.

"Nino?" Miku asked.

The sheets shifted slightly like a hand making a fist. "I said go away," Nino wined.

Itsuki approached the raised bed and said, "Nino, did something happen?"

Nino said, "It's none of your business."

"You said you'd come back with Futaro."

"Well he's not here."

"So-"

Nino's head burst from under the covers, but she kept a careful grip over the rest covering her body. She said, "If I wanted to talk about it, I'd talk about it! Just leave me alone!"

Miku ignored Nino's fury and casually noted a little red mark on her neck. She pointed, "Is that a hickey?"

Nino blinked as she registered what Miku said. Miku could tell when she was done because she buried her head under the covers again. "No it isn't!"

"It is."

"How would you know?"

"We're not children, Nino."

Itsuki chimed in, "Nino, did something happen with Futaro?"

She wasn't only asking about the hickey. She was asking about the redness in her eyes and the sobs she heard from outside. She was asking why Nino was trying so hard to leave them out of her life, something she never wanted to do.

Nino huffed and emerged from under the covers. She'd changed in to her pajamas since returning. She sat up and said, "So what if it did? That's my business, isn't it?"

Itsuki said, "I guess so, it's just, you don't look so good."

"Does it do you any good pointing out the obvious?"

Itsuki smiled sadly, she bore Nino's fury with grace. "Only if it gets your attention. Tell us what happened?"

"No."

Miku noted that her pajamas had a wide neck, and with Nino leaning forward she could see the top of her cleavage. Along with another red spot.

She pointed, "Another hickey."

Nino followed her finger towards her chest, then grabbed the front of her shirt and hiked it to her neck. She screamed, "It is not!"

"You're not fooling anyone."

"I'm telling you it's not!"

Miku frowned, "Nino, cut it out. You're not fooling anyone."

Nino looked ready to try regardless. Itsuki cut her off, saying, "Nino, did Futaro do that to you?"

Nino lowered her head, biting her lip as if to keep the answer inside despite it being the most obvious one in the room.

Itsuki continued delicately, "Nino, did Futaro hurt you?"

That was something even Miku didn't expect. Both hers and Nino's eyes widened at the implication. Nino reared, "No! No, he didn't hurt me!"

"So what did he do?"

"He..." Nino faltered again, dashing from engagement to cowardice. "I don't wanna say. But he didn't hurt me."

"But he gave you those, even on your chest. Are there any more?"

Nino scowled, "How should I know? It's not like I checked."

Miku said, "Tell us what happened."

Nino shook her head, "I can't, I...I mean you, and Ichika..."

Miku reassured her, "I'm fine. You can tell us what happened with him. If you want." And she meant it. A part of her would always love Futaro, but she did not cling to it. She was ready to advance their relationship platonically and move on with her life, wherever that took her. She thought of Yusuke.

Nino nodded hesitantly. "You, you gotta promise me not to judge. Okay?"

"We won't," Itsuki insisted.

Nino took a long breath and began. "We finished packing, and, well, remember that picture Raiha took?"

"The one with you two on the ground?" Miku asked.

She nodded, "Well, that happened. And then, more happened. Then we kept going and, and I didn't tell him to stop. I should have. But I, don't blame him you two, I kept going because it was, it felt...I didn't want to stop. And then suddenly I remembered all those words on my desk and I realized I was making them true. I got off, we hadn't done it yet, just a lot of other things, you see? So I stopped and I felt...I felt awful. He tried to comfort me. He did. He said he didn't see me that way, even after everything we'd done. He said it was just how we were wired, or something out of a health textbook. He tried to make me feel better, though. So he didn't hurt me, don't assume that."

Itsuki took her hand and Miku mirrored her. Itsuki said, "We understand."

Nino breathed and continued, "But even if he says that, I think I made it true. I did what a slut would do, that makes me one, right? So the next time I go to school and they call me that, It'll be-"

"No," Itsuki said firmly.

"But it-"

"It won't, Nino."

Miku nodded, "She's right. Just because you did that, even if you went all the way, it doesn't make them right."

Nino scowled, "What would either of you know?"

"Enough," Itsuki said sadly.

Miku knew as well. She remembered those stirring feelings for a boy. Those rushes of excitement and hope, imagining all the different aspects of love. All of them. Even things more extreme than what Nino appeared to have done. She used to think that wanting those things made her weird. But seeing Nino now, she knew it just made her normal. And she didn't want her sister to be ashamed.

Miku said, "We already agreed that anyone taking those rumors seriously is a moron. They're not worth our time. I know it still hurts, but I don't wanna let them win. So, I don't think you should feel bad. I don't think, well, there's anything wrong with wanting that."

Nino audibly swallowed and tried to not to crumble into a mess. She wiped her eyes and said, "Thank you."

Itsuki said, "So is that why you're so upset?"

Nino hesitated, then admitted, "Part of it. But not all."

"What happened?"

"Futaro. He was an idiot."

Itsuki's eyes hardened, "What did he do?"

"I told him everything after we stopped. He accepted it, but he got...angry. Angry at Ichika. It ruined the mood, and I wanted him to stop, but he just couldn't. So I left him there. He just can't stop being angry sometimes. Even for me."

Miku wasn't sure if all siblings shared each other's pain like the five of them could, or if it was a trait of being quintuplets. But no matter how unique they were she felt her sister's pain, not quite as her own, but close enough.

Miku lamented, "He said he wouldn't forgive her. He really meant it."

Nino said, "I get that he's mad, but I...I didn't need that. Not then. But he just wouldn't let it go. Why couldn't he see that?"

The same way Miku couldn't see her sister's struggle when she felt Futaro's rejection. Pain, loneliness, anger, it closed them off. She didn't think Futaro would ever be the person to succumb to it. He was always in perfect control. But even he was only human. She hoped he understood why Nino was upset and how he hurt her, if not now then soon.

Itsuki asked, "Has he texted you yet?"

"No, he's being a jerk."

"He's good at that sometimes," Itsuki mused, then turned to Miku, "Would you mind staying with Nino for a bit? I need to go out."

Nino rose, "No, do not speak with him. This isn't your-"

"I'm not going to talk to him. I'm just going to visit Raiha. That's all, Nino." She said, then paused and thought out loud, "But I suppose if he's there I'll have to talk to him."

"I don't want you to go!"

"Nino," Itsuki said reassuringly, "Just leave this one to me, okay?"

Nino hesitated. She looked like she wanted to resist. But she wanted many things in that moment, too many to understand. Until she worked through her own bundle of emotions she couldn't make herself stop her sister. She said, "Just don't tell Ichika about today, okay? She feels bad enough about what happened, I don't want her feeling worse."

Miku admired her sister's strength. Even in despair she worked to protect her family.

Itsuki swore it and left. Miku stayed by Nino. She asked, "Can I come up?"

Nino nodded weakly and fell back into bed. Miku climbed up and hugged her older sister. It still felt unfamiliar being the comforting one. She hoped what she had to give was enough.

Nino leaned closer and said, "What do you think she'll say?"

"I don't know. But she'll set things right. Just like mom would."

Nino said quietly, "Do you think I did anything wrong?"

Miku wondered how she should answer. A simple 'no' wouldn't work. What did her sister need to hear? Something to make her realize she wasn't alone. That seemed to do it. So she shared a secret of her own.

"Nino, do you know what I would have done if Futaro chose me?"

Nino looked up curiously, "I don't...what?"

"I think...I would have done all that and more. And much sooner."

Nino's face went pale, reflecting what Miku was sure was a flush on her own. Nino stuttered, "You-you better not."

Miku grinned, and the a miracle. Nino laughed. It was tiny, almost flatline, but it was a sign of life. Miku laughed too, and slowly it built into something small but warm like the tiniest bonfire in a blizzard keeping lonely hikers warm. Nino leaned closer and hugged Miku. Her body was warm, her breathing small. But getting better.

Miku wasn't used to acting as the protector. That was a role for the others, each in their own way. But here she remembered that she was an equal in her family. She had something to give, and here was the proof. She would build on that for the sake of her sisters, for herself, and for one she hoped would be at her side someday. Miku didn't feel useless anymore.

~Futaro~

"Bro, what's up?"

"Nothing, Raiha. Why?"

"You keep looking at your phone."

"So what?"

"So there's a textbook in front of you."

"And?"

"...There is a textbook in front of you."

Their father yawned and waved her off, "Leave him be, Raiha. He's probably still figuring out how it works. Fancy little devices, aren't they."

"Yeah, they are." Sure, he'd go with that. Let them think he was just a boy enamored with his new expensive toy and not waiting for his nonsensical girlfriend to reach out to him and apologize. He'd say it was only a matter of time if he was dealing with someone reasonable. But this was Nino. Logic blended with her like water and oil.

He thought about studying but knew it was pointless. He could never study when Nino was burning his brain. Why did one woman have to have this kind of influence? He used to be so much stronger than this. He could shut out the world and focus on anything his mind desired. Now he was scattered like light through a prism. He didn't regret it. But he wished he hadn't sacrificed so much control to get what he wanted.

He glanced at his phone again. Still nothing.

"Bro, you can pick it up you know."

Futaro glared, and thought of something sharp to reply with. Then there was a noise. Not a buzz or a ringtone. It was a knock.

"I'll get it," Futaro said hurriedly. Too hurriedly. They'd ask questions about his eagerness. But it had to be her, she came back to apologize for leaving him alone there.

He opened the door expecting Nino. He found her doppelganger.

"Itsuki?" Futaro asked. The woman smiled at him.

"Itsuki!" Raiha screamed as she ducked under his arm before throwing herself at the woman like a honeybee striking for a nectar-filled flower. Itsuki yelped and caught the girl, they laughed and spun on the spot.

Futaro had one guess why Itsuki came unannounced without call or text. It was all he needed.

His father walked up behind and said, "Yo, fancy seeing you here so late. You get kicked out again?"

"Thankfully no, but I was passing by and thought I might bring a treat for everyone." She held up a small black cardboard box. Futaro knew it was one of those fancy little cakes covered in fruit and accessories, the kind you found in displays at department stores. He knew because Nino bought one for them after their manicure. Why she bought him cake before going to work at a cake store he couldn't understand, but it made her happy. He didn't like being reminded of that now.

Itsuki unboxed the cake inside. Unboxing such a fancy cake was an event worthy of cameras and expert lighting, which is exactly what Raiha tried to do. The two worked like a stage crew managing the unwrapping of what was ultimately just another dessert. The two should start a youtube channel, he bet they'd get millions of views. And he only knew that because Nino insisted on showing him what youtube was while getting their hair done. Darnit, it kept coming back to Nino!

His father was enraptured by the little chocolate cake. It had tiny hard chocolate spirals on it. He picked one up and said, "I didn't know you can bend chocolate into swirls."

"Leave it to the professionals," Raiha declared. "This cake looks so good I kinda don't wanna see it cut."

"I do! Itsuki said as she raised the knife. She sliced the cake into four pieces and helped Raiha plate them. Futaro noted his was the smallest.

Three members of the table talked merrily about their lives, their days, their classes, and everything in between. One was silent. It wasn't as if Futaro had nothing to contribute, he had precisely one thing, and it wouldn't do to bring it up here. So he waited. He waited while Itsuki and Raiha played a game after dinner. He waited while his father asked about her family and settling into their old home. He asked about her aspirations as a teacher and Itsuki happily told him about the various colleges she was looking into. It was all so pleasant for the three. For Futaro it was a waiting game. And when Itsuki wrapped up and announced it was time to head back, Futaro played his part.

"I'll walk you home," he said.

Itsuki said, "That would be great, thank you."

Raiha said, "Huh. Normally we gotta guilt you into doing the right thing."

"Well since no one wants to get a cab anymore, I see nothing to do but step up."

His father raised his glass, "That's my boy! I'll make a gentleman of you yet."

"That'll make one of us," Futaro said.

After a goodbye that could only have been cut short by prying the two loving girls apart by force, Futaro and Itsuki set off down the road. Futaro knew what to expect. Eight months together erased a lot of unknowns. Itsuki was a peacemaker. She worked to balance a mercurial equilibrium within the Nakano household made ten times harder by his introduction. She would bring him to task for what she perceived were his faults, and he would argue back. That was the nature of their roles. Futaro waited patiently for it to come.

He became suspicious when they were halfway to their building without a single word. Was everyone trying to prove how unpredictable they were today? Fine, he didn't have any pride worth saving, he'd go first if she insisted.

"I know why you came," he said.

"I'm sure," she replied easily.

"So are you going to say something or not?"

"The moon looks beautiful tonight too, don't you think?"

"Get your head out of the clouds and answer me."

"Why? Just reminiscing with a friend."

"Stop beating around the bush and get to the point."

"I am, aren't you listening? Don't you miss spending time like this, Futaro? I enjoyed spending time together, talking with you alone. I should have said that before. But we haven't done this in, well, it feels like forever. I miss it. Don't you miss it too?"

Futaro remembered, "You know what? I do. I don't know why we stopped, I guess things got more complicated since then."

Itsuki nodded, "Do you know why I enjoyed it?"

"Is it because we're friends?"

"More than that. Do you remember the last time we were out together? Not at the hot springs, before that. I told you about our mom and the hole she left when she died. I did my best to be like her and support my family. That was her last wish for me. Sometimes filling that void makes me feel, separate, I guess. Like I'm different. Not like a sister. But with you I felt free, like I had someone to rely on. A partner, someone to help me. You took on some of my burden, and I'm grateful."

Futaro felt shy hearing her compliment. Itsuki, why are you talking about this now? "I was only doing my job as your tutor."

"No you weren't. Don't be modest, it doesn't suit you."

Futaro's lips twitched into something resembling a smile, "If I listened to all five of you, nothing suits me."

"Nino does," Itsuki said.

And there it was. It was only a matter of time before she trailed back. He would have asked if she was still angry with him, but his own was somewhat tempered by the evening chill. And he remembered the hurt he saw in her when she left. He couldn't help but ask, "How is she?"

"How do you think?" Itsuki asked casually.

"I don't know, she won't text me."

"Then use your brain, all that learning is good for something, isn't it?"

Futaro took it like a criticism in line with her father's. What was all this studying good for if he couldn't even understand the person he loves? But how was he supposed to try if she wouldn't give him any clues?

"Futaro, do you remember that picture of Nino? The one that got posted all around school?"

"How can I forget?" His rage bubbled like water over a forgotten stove. Ichika.

Itsuki must have caught his darkening mood. She smiled, "Do you know why she hates that picture so much?"

"I have a good idea."

"I'm sure you do, but let me give you the whole story. I know we say we used to be five perfectly identical girls, but that was never really true. We tried to be, but even young we had these small differences. Ichika and I need glasses to read. Nino is legally blind without hers. Miku needed a removable retainer when she was eight. Nino needed a permanent one plus braces and head gear for two years. Yotsuba once twisted her ankle while running and needed a brace for three weeks. Nino's the only one of us to break a bone when she fell off our bike, she had a leg cast for three months."

"I remember. She told me once that she felt like there was always something wrong with her." Futaro recalled the time Nino showed him her collection of scrapbooks. In the hundreds of pictures he'd seen, you would never know all the struggle Nino endured if you weren't paying close attention, she hid it so well. But it was there. He knew about some of her difficulties, but not all. He realized he couldn't understand everything, he hadn't been there. But Itsuki had. So had the rest of her sisters. Could he ever know Nino as well as her?

Itsuki smiled in understanding, "Back then we loved nothing more than being the same. But none of us cared about fitting in more than Nino because she had to work for it. And she worked hard. She demanded contacts instead of glasses until mom gave in. When she had her dental work done, she refused to open her mouth and show it. When she broke her leg, she refused a wheelchair and used crutches so she could stand with us. She struggled, Futaro. You have no idea how much. Do you know why she went through all of that?"

Futaro said, "I think so."

She continued regardless, "She did it because she couldn't stand the idea of being left behind. She had to be with us, because we are all she loved. Even now she hasn't changed. She has us, our dad, and now you. Everyone else, all her friends, they're still outsiders, Futaro. They always have been. And she doesn't mind as long as she has us."

"I'm aware, Itsuki. I've been on the receiving end."

"Well you're not anymore, so you better remember this: my sister Nino has more love to give than anyone I know, and she has so few to give it to. And I'm glad that you're one of them now, because you give her plenty of love in return. I know you love her. I see it every day. But it's not enough, Futaro. It never will be."

Futaro could see their building in the distance now. Now much farther to go. He wanted this uncomfortable swelling in his stomach to die. "Itsuki, what are you getting at?"

"I used to rely on you. You coming to work as our tutor changed the five of us for the better. And I think we changed you too, Futaro. Each in our own way. And it was going so well when you were just our tutor and our friend. But something changed after we moved out. You said it yourself. Do you know what that is?"

Futaro shrugged, "There isn't just one thing. I could write a paper on everything that changed and submit it for peer review. Your relationship with your father, your lifestyles, your employment, your test scores and study habits, everything followed."

"But none of that changed why we don't talk to each other like we used to. What is that?"

"It's not just one thing."

"No, it is. It's you. You changed when you chose a side."

Futaro glared, "I never did that, not until after your sisters already left."

"Maybe, but you're the only one still stuck in it. That's why I'm upset with you, Futaro. You used to help us through our problems, now you're causing them."

Futaro sneered, "I don't see how you can blame me. It was Ichika-"

"We know, Futaro. Trust me, we know. None of us would be like this if Ichika had a little more self-control. But this isn't about Ichika, that's done."

"It's hardly done."

"No, it is. But your behavior is still affecting us. It's affecting her."

"What are you talking about? If she has a problem with me and Ichika-"

"No, listen. You knew Nino would forgive Ichika, didn't you?"

"Of course I did."

"So why? Why did you know?"

"You said it yourself: Nino loves her family. I knew she'd forgive her. Even if she can't forgive the people she manipulated, she would always forgive her sister because nothing matters more. But that doesn't mean I have to."

"No, but have you considered what will happen if you don't?"

"What's there to consider? I already made this clear to both Nino and Ichika. They understand. Do you want me to help you understand too? I hate Ichika. I hate her for what she did and I will not forgive her. Ever."

"And how long can you keep this up?"

Futaro grit his teeth, feeling his anger rising, "Why does that matter? I'm allowed to hate her after what she did, nobody can say she doesn't deserve it."

Itsuki nodded, "Maybe. You want to know something Futaro?"

"What else?"

"It's a secret. You have to promise never to tell my family."

"Fine. Get on with it."

"Say it: I promise."

"Fine! I promise!"

She leaned in close and whispered, "I feel the same way as you."

Itsuki's revelation stunned Futaro like running into an electric fence. He only believed because Itsuki's eyes conveyed her deepest empathy for his struggles and his rage.

"Sometimes I wish I could be like you. As much as I love her, I wish I could scream at Ichika for every terrible thing she did, and I want to slap her every time I see Nino suffering for the things she spread. I wish I had the luxury you do to be angry. But I can't. My sisters need me. Nino needs me. Ichika needs me. And I want my family to be whole again and healed, however long that takes. So I'll forgive and forget my hate if it means my family will be okay."

Then she looked at him sadly and it hurt him. It hurt him because she made him regret not understanding her before, and for staying as angry at Ichika as he was. He hated his sudden guilt. She continued, "And I hoped that you would calm down and you would help me guide my family like before. But you didn't, and it's been so hard by myself. I had to pick a side too, and I watched my family tear itself apart because I couldn't stop it. Now we're recovering and I hope we can have a good life together again. But we can't do that with you here, not if you keep hating her."

This was a swipe at his feelings. Wasn't he supposed to embrace his emotions? Isn't that what made Nino so happy? Wasn't this a part of him that he should experience and live to the fullest? So why was he supposed to clamp down on this one feeling so rightfully deserved?

Futaro said, "So you're saying I need to change? That isn't fair. I didn't do anything wrong, I tried to keep us together. I reached out, she rejected me, she rejected you, Yotsuba, Nino, all of us. Why is it so wrong for me to feel a little rage for once?"

Itsuki shook her head, "It isn't. You still can if you want. But you'll lose Nino."

She might as well stab him saying something like that. "Why bring that up?"

"Because it's true. I know she'll forgive you tonight. You're one of the people she loves now. But if you keep punishing her sister over and over when all she wants is to love her, eventually she'll have to choose. We all will, if you make us. Tell me Futaro, who do you think we'll choose? Our sister, or our friend? Be careful Futaro, we've made this choice before."

Futaro wanted to challenge her, he wanted to prove her wrong and show her that his rage was justified and worthwhile. But when he thought about Nino's exit earlier that day, when he remembered the look on her face, he knew she was right.

Futaro frowned, "This isn't fair."

"It's not about fair. Which do you care about more? Your love for Nino, or your hate for Ichika? Because you can't have both."

Futaro trembled, his lips quivering as he realized his ultimatum. "Why, though? I was just learning to feel these things again and now, why is it my fault?"

"It isn't, it's just your choice." She looked up at her building to the highest floor. She said, "I'm going to go talk with Nino now. I'll see if she wants to come down. It might take a while. I'm not sure she's ready to see you."

Futaro sighed, "Itsuki, did I really make your life difficult?"

She smiled, "We've been like that since the beginning. Don't you remember when we met? You have a tendency to say these mean things without realizing the consequences."

"And you can hold a grudge."

"And now, maybe it's time for us to be better. We can do that for them, can't we?"

"I..." Futaro paused, looking for an answer. "I don't know."

"Well, you have until she comes down to think on it. Will you wait?"

"I will." Was that even a question?

She turned away to the tower. Futaro didn't want her to leave just yet. He wanted to find what they had before, a friendship like a dynamic duo working to save the day. He said, "Itsuki?"

She stopped and turned. He said, "You were doing this all on your own the entire time. It must have been lonely."

Itsuki said, "It was, and I worry it will be again. Futaro, we don't have many other friends left. Probably none, now that we're all the same in school. I don't want to lose any more."

Itsuki, the first of the five he met. If he had known how each of them would tug at his heartstrings with their own unique vibrations when they first met, he would feel overwhelmed by the music they made. He said, "Itsuki, I'm glad you came. I won't let you down."

She smiled and turned away, walking inside. Futaro waited in the cold by himself. He didn't know how long it would take to convince Nino to see him. He hoped to see her walk out of the elevator any moment.

Five minutes passed. Then he marked ten. By fifteen he was losing hope. Had he underestimated just how deeply he hurt Nino by rejecting Ichika? He hadn't meant to, it just came back to her, how she hurt Nino, and by proxy him. How could she be so mad at him for a little anger?

He sat on a bench near the gardens off to the side. He wondered if he was allowed to wait here or if someone would see a lone teenage boy waiting alone in the dark and call the police. It wasn't like he had anywhere else to go. If he left and Nino came down, he was sure she would hold this grudge indefinitely. So he waited. And he remembered his mother, who waited for someone she loved long ago.

He knew his mother had sacrificed much to stay with his father. He only learned about the scope of her loss long after her death. Her parents, while never rich, were well off enough to own their own home outright. Grandma and grandpa were traditionalists who wanted their daughter to marry someone with increased social standing. When she dated his father, they were sure it was a phase that would pass. When it didn't, their relationship suffered. Even now his father was never allowed on their visits to his mother's parents. He never would be. That was the battle his mother fought to stay with his father.

He never considered what it took to endure so much disapproval. Was it equal to his own struggle? He wished he could ask his mom if she would do it over again. Not just for him and Riaha, but for her father. She imagined she would. She seemed to enjoy their life together when she was still alive.

Some love was worth sacrifice. His mother proved it. How much would he sacrifice for Nino? For her sisters? Could he forgive Ichika for her insidiousness? He didn't think so. It was too deep inside him like a part of him now, and she hadn't done enough to earn forgiveness. He couldn't bring himself to do it. But he had to do something. If it was a choice of love for Nino or hate for Ichika, he would pick Nino every time. He just didn't know how to let go of the other.

So when Nino finally arrived over half an hour after Itsuki left, he still didn't know what he was going to say. She was wearing her pajamas under a long coat. Her face was puffy and miserable. Her eyes were weary and ready to rest. Still, she came.

Futaro stood and waved her over. Nino came slowly, not because she looked like she dreaded what was coming, but that she wasn't interested. She sat down next to him and waited for him. He sensed that she wouldn't speak until he did. She wouldn't explain why she delayed coming down and leaving him alone. She wouldn't explain what happened when she got home. She didn't owe him that, not until he said what she needed to hear.

He said, "You needed someone supporting you back there. I just wanted to be angry. I'm sorry."

She listened and said nothing for a moment, still looking away. Then she nodded, "Is that all you have to say?"

Futaro sighed, "I know what you want to hear. I'm just not sure I can promise that yet." He paused, "Did Itsuki tell you what we talked about on the way?"

"She did."

"So you know everything already." She nodded, but said nothing more. He said desperately, hoping for an opening to draw her in, "I'm trying, Nino."

The silence that followed felt like the emptiness of a coffin, Futaro wondered if it was too late, if she already couldn't forgive him. He wondered if she was building her courage to tell him that they were through. That thought drowned out any lingering hate, any anger, and Futaro knew despair.

Then there was laughter. He looked up and saw Ichika and Yotsuba walking back to their home. Yotsuba had her arm around Ichika's like a date, they laughed at something he hadn't heard as they went inside.

"Yotsuba hit Ichika."

Futaro turned, not sure if he heard her right. "When did this-"

"Your birthday. Yotsuba hadn't known it was her. When she found out, she snapped, and...she hit her. Ichika said she was afraid she was going to die."

Futaro could never imagine Yotsuba violent to anyone, let alone her family. "I...I didn't know."

"We didn't tell you. Don't blame Yotsuba, we all agreed to keep it to ourselves. She felt so terrible after, and she ran away; I don't know when we'd have found her if Miku hadn't followed. Ichika had makeup on to hide it when you saw her, but there was a bruise. A big one."

"Why tell me now?"

"Look at them. They went out today to help each other move on from that. And now, they're fine. They got over it. Like I got over it." She finally turned to look at him, "Why can't you at least try to do that?"

Futaro asked, "Is that what you need? Me laughing with Ichika again like this fiasco never happened?"

Nino hesitated, "No. But I can't have this. I can't do it. I want to have all of us together again. But if you're just going to get angry every time you need to share a room with her, I, I just can't. So I need you to stop," here she paused and took a ragged breath, "And if you can't, then, we need to stop."

Futaro knew Nino wasn't threatening him, she was simply stating facts. Yet he couldn't escape the grip her demand held on his throat. He felt like the road ahead was falling apart beneath his feet and he fell into the dark unknown.

"I don't want that," he said quietly.

"Then stop it, Futaro. Please, just do it. I'm not asking for much, am I?" she said. She was crying now. How he hated seeing her in tears. It wasn't the hate he felt for Ichika, it was hate for himself for making her so sad that she had to.

"No, but, I don't know how. I never hated anyone before, not like this. And now I want to, I don't want to lose you or anyone. But it's so hard to just let go."

"I need you to."

"I know!" he said harshly, making her recoil. For a moment he feared he went too far and lost her. He quickly pulled back, "I'm sorry, I'm just...I don't know what to do. I know what I need, I want you more than I want anything to do with Ichika. I just don't know how to get there."

He was crying now, too. He felt the danger of losing her in this moment if he said the wrong thing and he couldn't stop it. He looked up trying to keep them in, but they wouldn't stop. His voice hurt, but he continued for fear of what she might say next. "I want to try. I do. Please, understand."

Suddenly he felt her hand touching his cheek. He turned, she looked at him through her sadness looking for hope. "I need you to try."

"I will."

"I never saw you so fierce. It was terrifying."

"I'm sorry."

"That's what Ichika saw, wasn't it? Futaro, when you came after her on the day of the exams, were you going to hit her?"

Futaro recalled, "I, I don't know. Probably. I wanted to, but I wasn't thinking. I just moved."

She nodded, "Then, I'm glad someone stopped you. Not that you were hurt, just stopped. If you attacked my sister, I really couldn't forgive you. Yotsuba, I have to, but if you had...we'd be through. I don't think we could come back from that."

"And what about this?" Futaro asked desperately.

"I want to try," how such simple words could bring so much hope. Nino continued, "But I won't stand for this again."

"I understand. Nino, I can't promise to be friends with her again."

"Then what can you promise?"

"I can't just forgive her. I know that's what you want, but I'm not there. I might never get there. But, I'll control myself. I won't let her ruin my mood. She's your sister and I'll treat her like anyone else. I might slip up, but I'm going to do it. So, will that be okay?"

She nodded, sighing, "It's not what I want, but that's the best you can give, right?"

"I'm sorry if it isn't enough."

Nino nodded, "No, it'll have to do. But Futaro, I really need this. Understand?"

"Yes."

Nino wiped her tears and said, "I hate this."

"This…?"

"Fighting. I just, I hate it."

"So do I."

"But we've been doing it so much, and today, I really thought...I hate it. I just hate it."

Futaro watched her face scrunch in frustration trying to squeeze the pain away. He asked, "Nino, can I hold your hand?"

She slowly offered it on the bench. He took it and massaged her fingers. What lingering spark there was, it was small. He wanted to protect it. Ichika and whatever he felt for her wasn't worth losing this.

"Nino, I want us to be okay."

She bit her lip, then said, "Me too."

"Can we get there?"

She said, "You haven't let me down before. I'm counting on you. Please, don't forget that."

"I won't," he promised. He meant it. The next time he saw Ichika, he would remember Nino and his promise and everything he held so dear, and everything he would lose by choosing to hate.

Nino hiccuped, "It was scary walking home alone. I kept hoping that you would follow me, but you didn't."

Futaro said, "I wanted to. But you told me to leave, and I didn't want to make you angrier."

"Next time, follow me whatever I say."

"I will."

Nino said, "I, thank you."

Futaro held her hand so as to never let it go again. "Nino, we're going to be okay."

She breathed, "I know. I just, had to hear it." She shivered suddenly and said, "It's cold."

Futaro said, "You should get back inside."

"I better," she began, then said, "You waited for me out here. You must be freezing."

"I'm alright, the cold never really bothered me."

Nino asked, "Do you want to come up?"

"Is that okay?"

"If you want." Do you want to spend more time with me? Do you want to be normal again?

"I, that sounds nice."

"I'll make you some hot chocolate. It tastes better when you're cold."

"That sounds nice," he smiled, and she smiled back. That hope he cradled felt warmer.

Nino said, "Everyone is home now. Including Ichika."

"I know."

"Will you be okay?"

"I promised."

She led him inside and up the elevator. He knew what he would find inside. The others would welcome him and Ichika would stand aside trying to avoid his glare. He wouldn't give her one. He would try. He would greet her like the rest. Some things were worth setting aside for what you cared for most.

Nino gripped his hand and wiped her eyes of any lingering tears. Futaro did the same, surprised to find as many tears of his own. When she smiled at him, he knew he made the right choice. It was hardly a choice at all.

A/N

I find something increasingly common, or at least common in the public sphere, and that is people hating to the point of ruining what they love. I don't think that it is ever intentional, in fact I'm sure many who hate so strongly do so from a place of fear over what they love. But in their need to express their rage and discontentment, they don't realize that their anger can't be focused solely on its object, and that it radiates to everything near to the point of infecting the very thing it was meant to shield. Eventually, the love you sought to protect is gone, burned by your own anger, and so all you have left is your hate made stronger both by the absence of love and the reasoning that the original object of hate is the cause for its loss, thus leading you to hate all the more.

I have complicated thoughts on whether someone who did what Ichika has done in this story deserves forgiveness. I don't necessarily think directed suffering is the answer, certainly not from others, but remorse is key. But regardless, Futaro had the choice on what he valued more and what he wished to hold more dear. Futaro is still learning what it is to feel freely again, and so he experiences this dichotomy of sentiments. But he learns that his feelings are not his alone. They have a ripple effect that can tear apart his relationships. So he has to choose and learn to control them. It's a hard journey for anyone, one that many adults I know never really understand. But his heart is in the right place, and I personally think he has the sense to make the better choice.

I love the perspective style of storytelling. I love the way it lets us get into the headspace of specific characters while leaving others only to be interpreted. This leads me to Itsuki, who so far has only had one POV segment in the story, tied with Yotsuba. Even Yusuke has had more POV time than them. And this is one of those reasons. You're not meant to fully understand where they stand yet, only to see them through the eyes of the POV characters and from what little POV time we have with them. It makes for a better story when some characters are better understood and others can serve as 'wild cards' in a sense. There's a lot we don't know about Itsuki and Yotsuba yet, and hopefully that makes this and future parts of the story better.

I underwent a major move recently and so put writing on hold. I've seen many authors who regularly update with reliable schedules, and then there are those like me who write only when inspiration and their schedules allow. I don't know if I'll ever update reliably, but it will come. I left another story of mine on infinite hiatus (still want to write for it, but it's much too large in scale for me to handle anymore), but this story feels different to me. I think it's because this story is more relatable to me.

At present, we're somewhere between a quarter and a third of the way into this arc. I have the last third firmly planned out, it's the middle third that needs a little more organizing. I have the story beats planned, I only need to string them together in a chronologically pleasing manner so the story threads tie in together. I expect the middle to be more disjointed than the end, similar to the second arc, but I hope what it leads to makes the build-up worth the effort.

I mean to reply to some of the reviews posted last time, and I will over the next few days. Some people left detailed comments that deserve a proper response, one I now have time to give. I'll be better about responding to comments moving forward. To address one common topic, there will be future sex scenes of varying degrees of heat, but more spread out, and with plentyoof introspection on the way for both characters.

Lastly, I want to pat myself on the back for the dialogue here. Upon revising it, I found it to be quite good, if I may say so myself.

Best wishes and happy holidays to all, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter.

Chapter published: December 24th, 2022.