Disclaimer: Almighty Cthulhu refuses to rearrange reality in order for me to own Harry Potter, no matter how much I grovel. Still, Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
Author's Note: This is a bit of wackiness I play around with occasionally in my spare time. For my regular readers, We're In This Together is still my main priority, but I sometimes need a bit of madness to clear the mental palate.
I've always loved the movie Groundhog Day, but my favorite part is the middle section of the movie, when Bill Murray does whatever he wants and then becomes suicidal. I prefer that sort of mania to the rom-com ending.
I know this has probably been done before, but if you're going to go back in time, then screwing around is always much more entertaining to me than just trying to fix canon so the good guys don't get the shit kicked out of them as much.
Also, brief warning- this is basically all sex, violence, swearing, and random lunacy. So, if you don't like those things, consider yourselves warned.
Don't expect a Part II of this any time soon.
If Harry Potter had been raised by decent human beings instead of monstrous child-abusing freaks, then he might have had some idea of what was going on. At least by the fourth or fifth time it happened. In early 1993, the Bill Murray masterpiece Groundhog Day came out- the story of a man forced to relive the same day over and over again until he got things right.
Unfortunately, for Harry, getting things right was easier said than done.
Harry Potter had gone through nearly eighteen years of hell, offered himself up as a virgin sacrifice to save the world, and even that wasn't enough for Fate to get off his back. He had died and come back. He stopped Voldemort. He watched too many good people suffer. Some had died, some had been tortured. Then, he woke up and had to do it all over again.
He had somehow gone back to the summer before his fourth year.
After everything he had been through, Harry didn't even scream when he woke up to find himself fourteen again.
Okay, maybe he groaned a bit.
But he did stifle any screams.
Of course, he also felt like crap, as he was back with the Dursleys. They had abused him, starved him, and treated him like a slave all summer, once again, so he was hungry, battered, and weak.
Thankfully, he got away with the Weasleys quickly and got in touch with Albus Dumbledore as soon as possible. Harry told the old man everything and Dumbledore, miraculously, believed him.
They hunted down all the horcruxes. They killed Voldemort for good (after Harry once again had to die from an Avada Kedavra at Riddle's regeneration party). They captured Peter Pettigrew (and all the other Death Eaters) and got Sirius Black pardoned and freed.
Hell, Harry even asked Ginny Weasley to the Yule Ball and started dating her- after all, they had been meant to be together, hadn't they?
In other words, it seemed Harry got everything right. Yes, he did have to compete in the Triwizard Tournament again. And he did have to die for the second time. But when he rode the train away from Hogwarts, Harry thought he could live a much better life this time. He went home with Sirius, ate a wonderful dinner cooked by Dobby, and fell asleep thinking that finally his life was looking up for once.
Then he woke up at the Dursleys again and went through his fourth year again.
And again. And again... You get the idea.
The third time through his fourth year, Harry's nobility still held true. He saved everybody, destroyed the horcruxes, killed or captured all the Death Eaters, and dated Ginny again. By the time he got to go home with Sirius, he had several pepper-up potions that would let him stay awake for three days straight. May that would break him free of this curse?
Then he woke up with the Dursleys again. That time he did scream.
The fourth time he went through fourth year, a part of Harry broke. He no longer tried to save everyone. He was out for himself. So he summoned the fake Moody's flask away during dinner just before he took a sip. It was good timing for Harry and bad timing for Barty Crouch Jr. It also created a ton of chaos. But most importantly, it got Harry out of the Triwizard Tournament.
He decided to go to the Yule Ball anyway though. He took Ginny Weasley again. She was still cute and flustered by getting to go with him. But that was sort of the problem.
Don't get me wrong, Ginny was sweet and Harry really did like her. But she was a year behind him as well as being the youngest girl in her year. The one time they had gotten to a rather heated snogging session she had nearly begun hyperventilating.
Harry didn't want to take advantage of her- he wasn't that much of a bastard. At least, not yet.
But Harry was also still a virgin, and this frustration was not going to allow him to be a nice guy for very much longer.
This wasn't going to work for him. So he would need to date someone older. For his own sanity, what little of it was left anyway.
And that started off the Great Quest to Get Harry Laid.
It took him a few tries. Well, maybe more than a few. Harry tried to stop counting. His mind refused to help though. Harry spent several years dating, or at least trying to date, all sorts of different girls.
His fifth fourth year involved going out with Cho, Ginny (a pity date to the Yule Ball after he had crashed and burned with Cho), Parvati, and Lavender.
Harry was able to cop a feel with Cho before she slapped him in Hogsmeade. Which was bullshit really, especially after what a total pimp he had looked like in out flying the fucking Horntail for the fourth time.
It was the fourth time, right? Eh, who cares?
Parvati went a bit better for a couple of months. Some nice snogging, and more than a few nice gropes. He really should have been nicer to her that first time when they went to the Yule Ball together. Parvati was a pretty great girl. Hell, they had even been sort of friends in the DA and when they both suffered through the awful Won Won and Lav Lav crap of his sixth year.
But then Albus fuckface Dumbledore had to go and cock block him.
Fucking Ron as his hostage? Not his girlfriend? What the fuck was wrong with that senile old bastard?
The second task must have been pretty funny to an outsider. He saved Gabrielle Delacour again because Fleur just always had to run into the Grindylows and Harry wasn't going to abandon a cute little girl.
Plus, you know, Fleur in a wet swimsuit kissing him in thanks. That was nice.
But then Harry punched Dumbledore in the face and screamed at him that he wasn't gay. He also called him a stupid, senile old poof.
Then he punched Ron for good measure.
I mean- fuck that guy. He got jealous every fucking year. And he never told Harry about the dragons. What a shitty asshole- Harry could have died facing that Horntail.
Anyway, it was a big thing, and it embarrassed the hell out of Parvati, who broke up with him.
Apparently, he was too unstable.
In revenge, he went out with her best friend.
Now, Lavender. What could he say about Lavender?
Years ago, or two years in the future, he found her annoying. But this time, Harry found her giggly nature enchanting- especially the way her breasts bounced when she giggled. And apparently, Harry was just fucking hilarious.
Part of this was probably due to the fact that he was so beyond giving even half a fuck that he came off as supremely confident- something he figured out that women liked a lot in one of his waning moments of clarity.
So he made her laugh a lot and watched her breasts bounce a lot. It was maybe the best month of his life. She let him feel her wonderful breasts a few times, and they had an amazing topless make out session in the Room of Requirement.
Like all good things in his life, it came to a terrible end.
Her friendship with Parvati had fallen apart and eventually Lavender broke up with him because she needed her best friend back.
Who knew there was a female version of bros before hos?
Next time he would just have to date one of the other till he got around to yet another year.
The question was, which one to choose first?
In the end, he decided that Parvati's entire package (beauty and personality, as well as just better general compatibility) outweighed the pros of Lavender's magnificent bosom.
Harry chose to go out with a bang that year. Since he hadn't gotten the type of bang he wanted, Harry had Sirius send him some grenades.
Thankfully, his godfather was not truly sane yet despite being out of Azkaban for almost two years. A less crazed Harry might have wondered about how easy it was to talk good ol' Padfoot into providing explosives to a (technically) fourteen year old.
Regardless, Harry got to the graveyard. He even let Cedric come along and watched him die again. But hey, fuck that Shovel Face asshole- he shouldn't have gone out with Cho after she'd dropped Harry last fall.
It was totally petty, and also totally worth it.
The pain in his scar didn't faze Harry much. The pain of his virginity was much worse.
He still let Wormtail capture him, do the whole stupid ritual and bring ol' Snake Face back to his stupid, noseless, red-eyed form. Tom monologued to his sniveling followers for awhile. Finally, Harry was freed and told it was time to duel.
Harry decided to pass.
Instead, he just banished a baker's dozen grenades all around him then summoned their pins back to him. The Death Eaters, being pureblood idiots, were puzzled for a couple of seconds by the strange muggle devices. Then they were blown to pieces.
Now, Harry didn't get them all. And he didn't get Voldemort either. So he got hit with the killing curse for the fourth, er fifth.. sixth?... (whatever) time.
But Harry did die with a smile on his face.
Then he woke up back with the Dursleys again.
All told, it had been the most fun he'd had in any of his fourth years. Which pretty much doomed whatever purgatory-like corner of the multiverse he was trapped in. From now on, Harry was going to have as much fun as possible.
Year four mark six was all Parvati. And it was a great year.
He was still kicking himself about not treating her better years later from that first Yule Ball. This time he treated her like the goddess she was.
And what a wonderful goddess- the goddess of oral sex. Harry's first blow job and the first time he went down on a girl. He was pretty good at it too, judging by all the screaming. Plus, that was before he learned to use his parseltongue ability as a sexual skill. Harry had a ton of enthusiasm regardless.
He didn't lose his virginity that year but he did get some incredible naked time and a lot of oral sex with his amazing girlfriend.
And that night after the graveyard they spent together in the Room of Requirement as she consoled Harry...
Well, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. Not that Harry was a gentleman, at least not all of the time, so let's just say that by the end of that year, Parvati had grown into some very nice curves.
She rubbed those curves all over him as Harry learned the joys of the sensual massage. He discovered that there is no better cure for pain from exposure to the Cruciatus curse.
Harry got his first titjob that night. Parvati wasn't as busty as Lavender, but her breasts were still gorgeous. Tasty too. That night, though, they were nice and oily and eventually covered in spunk.
Wow, he was going to have to try that again some time.
He also got his first footjob, which wasn't even a thing Harry had ever heard of before. The poor innocent sap.
Parvati had been sitting on his face, grinding away for quite awhile when she felt the need to stretch out her legs. Her feet were nice and oily too, and she gingerly toed at his erection which led to him moaning nicely into her and set off her best orgasm yet. Who knew the ninth time would be the charm? In this case it was, as it led directly to numbers ten and eleven. As a reward, she braced herself with her arms and used both feet to rub him to ecstasy. It was kind of a shame that he didn't see how she did that, but his face was pleasantly occupied anyway.
Before the night was over, he even licked her asshole. Why not? It had been staring at him for at least an hour by then and occasionally winking at him cutely. She wasn't going to remember any of this in a few days, so if she thought he was a pervert it wouldn't matter. But they were both so incredibly turned on that she seemed to like it.
God damn, if Harry ever got out of this endless cycle, he might have to marry this girl.
Sadly, the year came to an end, and he kissed Parvati goodbye at King's Crossing.
Instead of bothering with the ride home with the Dursleys, Harry just walked out into traffic.
It was a painful death, but not as painful as spending several more unnecessary hours with his vile relatives.
Harry's next year, he tried to focus on Lavender. He really, really tried. It went fairly well, for the most part, but dating Lavender meant hanging out with Parvati, and he kept thinking back to that night in the Room of Requirement every time he saw her. Harry had now lived through something like 23 years or so, and it had been by far the best night of his life.
This was so frustrating that he decided to cut the year short. Especially when he tried to thinking of going to the Yule Ball with Lavender and not Parvati. In the most important ways, Harry was still a teenager, and he was still hung up on the girl that had been the best relationship he had ever been able to manage, bar none.
The day of the first task, he broke up with Lavender by confessing that he was in love with her best friend, which got him a slap. Immediately kissing Parvati got him another slap- but it was from Lavender again so Harry figured it was worth it.
Parvati had a stunned look on her face as he went off to face his dragon. It was going to be a mess to try to date her now. Fuck it. Harry was becoming more of a showman. Time to make this interesting.
Now, by this time, Harry had spent several years going through the restricted section of the library while not chasing girls. After all, it wasn't like he needed to learn the summoning spell for the eighth time or so. One of the more interesting books he'd found was on magic related to the weather. Shit, if he was going to be forever marked by a fucking lightning bolt scar, he may as well learn to create a thunderstorm.
So that's what he did.
Harry stood far away from the Horntail as winds whipped around him and he called forth a downpour of rain before he brought down bolt after bolt of lightning.
He hadn't actually tried this before and was thrilled with how much control he had of where the lightning bolts would strike. After hitting the dragon several times, he decided to have a little fun. Which meant Snape got blasted, fried, roasted, and most definitely killed. Malfoy was next.
Then he got Ron because the jealous prick still never bothered to tell Harry about the dragons. Or, ya know, believe his supposed best friend when he told him once again that Harry didn't put his own name in the Goblet of Fire.
(Actually, he did that year, but Harry didn't remember that. Plus, he was just so fucking sick of the moronic ginger twat).
Next, Harry took out Karkaroff and the fake Moody to finish off the entire Death Eater set.
Finally, he zapped Dumbledore, the manipulative twinkly-eyed fruit.
In fact, he zapped him repeatedly until the former headmaster was nothing more than a blackened husk.
That was for the lifetime of abuse with the Dursleys.
Then for the lies and manipulations.
And allowing Snape's bullshit.
And never punishing the little junior league Death Eater scum like Malfoy.
And another bolt for the rampant child endangerment pretty much every year.
Not to mention (Bzzzt!) being a worthless pussy pacifist in a goddamn war with terrorists who had no problem raping, murdering, and torturing their way through magical society.
That worthless motherfucker wanted them to have a chance at redemption. Fuck him in his idiotic senile ass.
As the screams of the crowd finally penetrated his preoccupied mind, Harry saw Parvati looking at him in sheer terror.
He sucked a lightning bolt of his own.
And once again he was back with the Dursleys.
Harry realized he had a problem. He could not spend too much time with the Gryffindors this year because he was still stuck on Parvati but knew there had to be some other girl out there for him. Specifically, one who would hopefully put out.
Now, Slytherin would have been very challenging, assuming he could find a girl there that would date him without trying to kill him or sell him out to the Death Eater families. So Harry decided to pass.
Ravenclaw had several girls that he might have tried to date, but it also had a couple of problems.
1. Cho. He still sort of liked her but she had also been sort of a prude. Plus, he was annoyed by her interest in Douche Diggory.
2. Padma. She was Parvati's identical twin. Harry didn't need that reminder staring him in the face all year.
Which left Hufflepuff. And specifically, Susan Bones.
Now, Susan Bones had grown into a very gorgeous girl with the most impressive set of curves he had ever seen. The problem of the Hufflepuffs hating him that year for stealing their thunder was easy enough to solve- Harry put his own name into the Goblet of Fire so that he'd be chosen instead of Diggory as the Hogwarts champion. He did this for a number of reasons. First of all, chicks dig a rule-breaking bad boy. Plus, Harry was by far the most powerful student at Hogwarts. And he was 'of age' in a bunch of ways- hell, Harry had never actually gotten to be a child in the first place, and that was before the multiple annual brushes with death at Hogwarts.
He decided to start early that year. He had already chosen Susan before school began so he found her on the train with Hannah Abbot and started getting to know her again.
The future when he had originally known her was years past now. Her participation in the DA. The loss of her aunt to Voldemort the summer before their sixth year. Honestly, Harry kinda felt that he needed a refresher although he remembered Susan as a sweet heart.
She was still a sweet girl, and Harry started liking her pretty much immediately.
Ron and Hermione were annoyed by Harry ignoring them, but he was tired of them, especially with all the drama they kept putting him through that year.
Ron was an immature brat and too much of a coward to admit he liked Hermione- what the fuck was that jealous backstabbing pussy doing in Gryffindor anyway?
And Hermione was even worse in some ways- she had spent years with the thick fool, why did she expect him to figure out the games she was playing to try to get his attention? Plus, why did she even want Ron's attention anyway? He was completely wrong for her. Studious, hardworking, brilliant, thoughtful, loyal Hermione vs. lazy, rude, idiotic, shallow, insensitive turncoat slob Ron. That was a match made in Hell.
Now that Harry really thought about it, they only had two things in common. A friendship with Harry and ridiculously stubborn natures.
Which explained why Harry always had to be the one to forgive. He was really tired of them. Hearing that same shouting match the night of the Yule Ball for the umpteenth time might drive Harry to kill one or both of them.
So Harry spent as much of that year as possible with Susan, who quickly became his girlfriend.
And the more he was around her, the more Harry started to wish he'd been a Hufflepuff all along.
For one thing, Susan and Harry were a great match. They just fit together so easily. Like Harry, Defense was her best subject as she wanted to make her aunt Amelia proud and had considered becoming an Auror, just as he had once thought of doing. She wasn't an orphan like Harry was, but she had lost several family members to the Death Eaters. But best of all, Susan really was a sweetheart. She could be strong when she needed to, such as running off Hermione and Ron when they tried to badger Harry or forcing Sprout to take action against Malfoy constantly attacking her boyfriend.
Wow, a teacher standing up for him for once. It was an amazing change.
The only time McGonagall had ever done something similar was little more than an excuse for a pissing contest with Umbridge. She certainly never did shit for him when he was accused of being the Heir of Slytherin or any of the times he was slammed for cheating his way into the Triwizard Tournament. And don't even get me started on doing nothing to stop the toad bitch from torturing children. Really, Minerva McGonagall was completely fucking useless. Of course, being Dumbledore's little sidekick, failing the students year after year was probably exactly what he should expect.
Anyway, back to Susan.
Having such a supportive girlfriend made that year really pleasant. By the time the Yule Ball rolled around, he had (mostly) succeeded in getting Parvati out of his head. Seeing Susan that night finished the job. She looked stunning in a cobalt blue dress that hugged her curves yet revealed only a hint of her abundant cleavage. Harry told her he loved her that night as they danced, and it wasn't just for her boobs- although really, his hormones would have proposed to them if Harry had just a little bit less self control. Susan was elated with him, and they ended up back in the Room of Requirement with their clothes strewn all about the place.
She wasn't "ready to go all the way" but Harry still had a lot of fun that night. His skills at oral sex were thankfully not too rusty as Susan's screams could attest. And did I mention her boobs? Because they were even more glorious once Harry got them uncovered. And yes, Harry did get to try a titjob again. It was just as wonderful as the first time. Susan's bosom could even put a Veela like Fleur to shame.
The room was also kind enough to provide some massage oil, so they ended the night sweaty, sticky, and thoroughly spent before collapsing into a bed and succumbing to sleep.
Each of them got questioned the next day about where they had spent the night.
For Harry's part, he just told Hermione and Ron to piss off. His friendship with Ron was pretty much over by then anyway. Hermione started up a rant about being irresponsible or some other bullshit which Harry cut off by asking if Krum had gotten to nail that jailbait he clearly preferred. Hermione was too shocked to cry, and Harry didn't realize that may he had gone way over the line.
But seriously, Krum was 18, a world famous Quidditch star, and drowning in groupies. What the fuck was he doing hitting on a late bloomer like Hermione? And that was made even worse when Harry remembered how Krum had ignored all of Fleur's smoking hot Veela cousins to instead hit on the still 15 year old Ginny at Fleur's wedding when he was like 21.
Let's just call him Viktor 'Wooderson' Krum. You know, "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age." Fucking pervert.
(Now, if you want to argue that the 14 year old body of Harry Potter currently housed a twenty something mind, well... Harry clearly wasn't completely sane anymore. And also he didn't care because his body was pumping out an immense amount of teenage hormones. And he was still a virgin. So shut up.)
Susan's interrogation by Hannah involved a lot more blushing and giggling.
They would wait till much later that night to go thoroughly into detail of all Susan did with Harry. The two girls were glad to have learned a silencing spell as they both went to sleep after fantasizing about the same green-eyed Gryffindor.
Things would continue going well as they got to spring. Susan was Harry's hostage in the lake, and he wasted no time in rescuing her, not even bothering with the Delacour girls. Any party celebrating his first place finish in the second task was also skipped.
A girlfriend with big breasts and rock hard nipples in a wet shirt meant they headed straight to the Room of Requirement. Harry spent the next few hours using his hands and mouth warning up Susan's boobs. The rest of her body too. He was going to become a tit man if he stayed with Susan much longer.
Sadly for Harry, he was still Fate's play thing, so his relationship with Susan was bound to hit a snag. And what a fucking snag it was.
They made it to May before the conversation that would bring everything crashing down.
"What marriage contract?"
"You know, the one our parents drew up, just in case."
"Just in case of what?"
"You didn't know about it? I thought you found out and that's why you started talking to me.
"At the end of you-know-who's reign of terror, people were horrified at the thoughts of what could happen to their children should they be orphaned. My uncle Edgar, his wife, and my cousins were all killed, so my parents wanted to make sure that I would be safe from someone like Malfoy.
"Your parents were in danger too. My parents were purebloods like your dad, so they understood the protection a marriage contract would give us. From what I understand, it took awhile for your father to convince your mother to agree to sign.
"In the end, we got lucky and my parents survived, but the only other living Bones is my aunt Amelia."
Now, in some ways this wasn't such a bad thing. Harry got along really well with Susan and she was smoking hot. She would have been a better choice for a wife than most of the other girls he had dated, although a part of him would probably always be hung up on Parvati. But the thought of being forced into something against his will by some damn magical contract really made him steamed.
Especially after having been stuck in the damn tournament over and over and over again.
Harry stormed off, leaving his confused girlfriend worried about his response and apparent lack of knowledge.
Of course, he could apparate by then and cared nothing at all about missing school, so Harry was quickly away to Gringotts, hoping that his parents would have left him a copy of this contract so he could figure out exactly what was going on.
It turned out the bank did not have it, but they did point him to a lawyer who had worked for his family in the past.
And that led to Harry finding out that there were a lot of things that he had never been aware of.
Someone (the old twinkly-eyed fruit) had placed a mail redirect ward on him, and because of that, Harry had tons of unknown correspondence backed up from the entire course of his life. Not to mention a number of magical people that had bequeathed things to him, their orphaned savior. Also, after his miraculous defeat of the Dark Lord, seemingly every magical family in the country, and plenty from other countries as well, had offered up their daughters in betrothal contracts, trying to get a piece of his fame, wealth, and the old family prestige.
They included every single girl he had dated. Parvati's twin sister too.
(Harry had to stop and drool for about an hour over the greatest of all male fantasies- identical twin sisters.)
Once his libido calmed down enough for Harry to remember that there were things other than sex to think about, he even found the marriage contract his parents had signed with Susan's all those years ago.
It wasn't nearly as bad as he had expected it to be. He and Susan both had the ability to opt out of it once they came of age, although such a thing would have to be supervised by an independent party, as due to the time when it had been written the parents held all sorts of fears of one or both of them being coerced or Imperiused into doing so. There were no harsh penalties, no loss of magic or anything like that.
The problem was that Susan had known about it for a long time and never said a word to Harry. In fact, he couldn't remember if she had ever spoken to him during the first three years they went to school together.
(Now, if he had thought about it at the time, Harry might have realized that Susan was a rather shy girl, and she had been extra nervous around boys since she developed early. She wasn't the type who would have ever enjoyed guys staring at her, but it was particularly unpleasant for her to start having that happen when she was only twelve.)
Clearly, he needed to research relationships in the magical world if arranged marriages were still apparently common place.
So, that's what he did for the rest of the year. He dug through tons of books, some taken out of the restricted section of the library, on everything from customs regarding etiquette, contracts for betrothals and marriage, laws having to do with marriage in the magical world, and even sex magic, which he of course spent an inordinate amount of time focusing on. Magical people could get up to all sorts of naughty things- some of them rather dark too.
He also found a fairly old tome about life debts, which made him contemplate who all might have owed him one over the odd spiral of the years of his life. He vaguely recalled Dumbledore saying something about Wormtail owing him one for sparing him at the Shrieking Shack- what a retarded thing that had been. He should have helped Sirius slaughter the fucking rat.
Thinking of the night at the Shrieking Shack also reminded him that his father had similarly saved Snivellus there. The greasy despicable bastard had been responsible for James Potter's death, even going so far as to ask his boss the psychopathic Dark Lord to murder Harry and his father but spare Lily so he could finally have her for his own. What a disgusting evil bastard. Harry was going to have to remember to be sure and torture Snape every chance he could from now on.
But those two life debts combined to prove one thing to Harry:
Mercy was for chumps.
Which made him think of the idiotic headmaster again. Someone who had done everything possible to try to save the supposed 'innocence' of Draco Malfoy, poster child for the Aryan Youth (I mean, pureblood supremacy terrorists, oops) while not showing any concern for people like Katie Bell and Ron, both of whom nearly died. Nothing more than collateral damage-no big deal, right Albus?
Damn, Harry was really starting to hate the old man more and more as he got older.
Or didn't get older, as the case may be.
Anyway, Harry guessed that Ginny Weasley must have owed him one due to his actions in the Chamber of Secrets. If something as minor as asking Sirius and Lupin to not murder Pettigrew so that he could spend the rest of his life in Azkaban could bring about a life debt (and judging by his rather lame impromptu suicide at Malfoy Manor, it was), then surely Harry nearly dying while fighting off a thousand year old basilisk that could have swallowed him whole, destroying a horcrux that was sucking out her soul, and being seconds away from death due to being poisoned- all that had to count for one too, right?
Come to think of it, the Weasleys probably owed him a couple more for Harry saving the lives of Arthur and Ron also.
But what brought to mind life debts was that you could claim them in all sorts of interesting ways- and yes, some of those ways were very, very dark.
Like sexual slavery dark.
Harry wasn't that twisted, not even after a 'childhood' mostly made up of neglect and abuse and then dozens of brushes with death. Now that he thought about it, it was kind of remarkable that he still wasn't thinking of becoming a Dark Lord himself.
But he didn't have time for that. His hormones were much more important than trying to take over the world.
Plus, he didn't have time to come up with a good evil pseudonym. The Dark Lord Harry wouldn't work, obviously. It made sense that the red-eyed sicko wouldn't just call himself the Dark Lord Tom. Who would cower at that?
Still, if you were going to come up with a name that really struck terror into the hearts of men, it would probably be better to not just use an anagram that made you sound like someone who wanted to be French.
What type of self-respecting Englishman would ever do something as gauche as that? Riddle clearly didn't have any standards.
Harry was so distracted by all these tangents and tons of research that he stopped going to any of his classes, lost hundreds of house points, and was given dozens of detentions that he disregarded.
He had way too much to think about.
Susan was rather distraught, as her boyfriend had ignored her ever since she mentioned their marriage contract.
If Harry had been smarter, he might have tried to reconcile with her in order to have a chance at make-up sex. It was one of many things he unfortunately missed out on.
By the time the final task came around, Dobby had to find Harry in order for him to make an appearance at the overgrown quidditch pitch.
The crowd gathered there might have thought Hermione had polyjuiced into him, as he had an impressive stack of books with him. Harry stepped into the maze only to promptly conjure a table and chair so that he could sit down and continue his research.
If he had an eternity to screw around, then learning just how much he could get away with would be worth a hell of a lot more than his sixth, seventh, or whatever trip to the graveyard with the noseless wonder.
People began to boo, so he threw up a silencing charm around himself and went back to ignoring everyone.
Not that he cared, but by the end of the night Fleur had roasted the Imperiused Krum who had hit her with a Cruciatus curse. Neither was able to go on, and the surly Bulgarian jailbait aficionado died of massive third degree burns the next day.
Multiple people tried to get Harry's attention to tell him that he was the winner by default. Dobby brought him some tea while he studied and told the Great Harry Potter sir that the tournament was over. Harry gave him a thumbs up and kept on reading.
A couple of hours later, he stood up and saw the headmaster looking at him with an impressive amount of disappointment. No one else had stayed behind.
Harry walked up to him and took a leak all over the old man's bright fuchsia robes. It had been several hours since he had the chance to use a restroom.
For once, the mighty Albus Dumbledore was completely dumbstruck.
Harry slept in the morning of his final day that term. When he awoke, he went down to the kitchen to visit with Dobby and Winky. The house-elves were always happy to feed him whatever he wanted, so he relaxed with them for a couple of hours as he indulged in all sorts of sweets. With his upcoming death and rebirth, there was no way he could get fat, so there was no reason to say no to the ninth or tenth pancake, even if he did feel like vomiting.
In the end, that turned out to be a good thing, as he ran into Ferret Mafoy just as he left. The Slytherin ponce was soon covered in projectile vomit.
It was the most fun sickness possible- one that brought his enemies suffering.
Harry spent the rest of the day doing other 'good deeds,' or at least things that brought him a bit of peace of mind.
First he kicked Ron right in the bollocks for not warning him about the dragons. He wasn't even sure what he had done during the first task this most recent time, but he knew that his former best friend chose to be a butthurt little bitch every single time that Harry's name came out of the goblet.
Then he found Fleur sleeping in the infirmary. Damn, she was hot. He tried waking her with a kiss.
Turns out Veela are not big Sleeping Beauty fans.
He ran for his life, but it was worth it as she tasted yummy.
Once he had a bit more confidence, he was going to have to give it a shot at romancing Fleur. Every time she had called him a little boy, he wanted to bend her over and shag her rotten to show her snobby arse he wasn't so damn little.
Time enough for that some day.
That afternoon, he decided to sneak into Trelawney's quarters. He found her beloved sherry and poisoned the shit out of it. Stupid inept bitch should have had the decency to drown herself at birth instead of ruining his life with her nonsense.
He took a nap later on so that he would have plenty of energy for his late night plans.
Snape the scumbag had tried to have him expelled several times that year. Unfortunately for him, Harry was still around. That night, Snivellus awoke to the bane of his existence Imperiusing him and leading him to the Great Hall.
The next three hours were absolute torture for the Death Eater turned petty child-hating tyrant. Not only did Harry take the time to individually break every bone in his hands, but he also calmly explained exactly why he was doing it. And he told him that Lily Potter would never forgive him for the things he had done, asking for her husband's death and then tormenting her son for years.
When people arrived the next day for breakfast, they found Snape's corpse. He had been crucified, castrated, and had his eyes and tongue torn out.
Not really the nicest thing for children to witness first thing in the morning.
Harry was gone by then anyway. He was found dead in an empty room. He left behind a message, written in Snape's blood:
Fuck Fate in her stupid arse!
He woke up back at Privet Drive yet again. But that was alright. Harry wanted a clean slate anyway.
First things first, time to gather what he would need to take with him, and then he headed downstairs to make breakfast for his evil relatives.
Unfortunately for the Dursleys, Harry had learned a mean little spell that could turn a simple herb like thyme into hemlock. He put the poison into everything they would eat or drink. There wouldn't be any chance they might accidentally survive.
After watching all three of them die, Harry went to Diagon Alley to get some money and head over to the family lawyer he had met the previous year.
Harry searched through the massive stacks of unanswered mail to find one particular betrothal contract.
Then he spent the next couple of weeks using diet, potions, and exercise to get in the best shape of his life. He got clothes that actually fit him and ditched the old glasses for contacts.
Come September 1st, people would hardly believe that this was the same Harry Potter they had seen the year before.
Of course, it actually wasn't anywhere close to the same boy-who-lived they were used to. But none of them saw him as he slipped onto the train and waited under his invisibility cloak. Once Malfoy and the rest of his cronies, all sons of Death Eaters, were together in a compartment, Harry opened the door, leaving a powerful notice-me-not charm behind him in the hallway.
Four green flashes of light later, the next generation of Death Eaters was a lot smaller.
Harry then went just down the hall and introduced himself to some of the lovely ladies of Slytherin, most specifically one Daphne Greengrass.
She was an aloof blonde pureblood who he had never really spoken to, but he had caught enough glimpses of her over the years to know she was pretty damn hot. Plus, as she had been steeped in the old fashioned magical culture, he had a feeling he would be able to handle everything with her without too many problems.
The girls were all shocked by his appearance, but none of them more so than Daphne, especially after he told her of the betrothal agreement, which he had signed. Her younger sister giggled merrily and her best friend Tracy congratulated her on catching the boy-who-lived. Meanwhile, she was speechless as Harry kissed the back of her hand and suggested they get to know one another better.
When she finally came out of her stupor, Daphne asked why he had chosen her.
Now, Harry could have given her a lot of different reasons. She was one of the most attractive witches in his year, and that was always a good starting point. She was also one of the better students, and that meant that she would hopefully be intelligent enough to be interesting to talk to, as Harry was curious to see how things would go with him dating a Slytherin. Plus, it would certainly infuriate Snivellus the greasy sleaze. And it's not like Harry had anything to fear from the thugs of the house- he would stomp anyone that fucked with him, and he had already made a preemptive strike to hopefully get several people who might have bothered Daphne out of the way.
She was effectively his fiancee now, and he wasn't going to let any of the little shitstains in Slytherin mess with her.
Daphe's reputation as cold and arrogant also intrigued him. He wanted to see if he could get past that attitude, and if not, it might still lead to some interesting times. He considered the idea that maybe he would enjoy it more if she challenged him for dominance in the relationship.
A rude part of him wanted him to say something horrible that would fill her with contempt. Maybe he should ask if the curtains matched the drapes? From what little porn he had seen, they usually didn't with a lot of blondes.
Harry suppressed that thought though. Hopefully, he would find out soon enough anyway.
Another reason was that he just wanted to see the looks on the faces of the rest of the school when he sat next to her during a meal. That should be pretty damn funny. The hat did want to put him in Slytherin after all.
He wanted a really good looking date for the upcoming Yule Ball too. Harry thought they would look great together.
There was also the fact that this would be an easy way to end his friendship with Ron even sooner, and Harry really couldn't stand him anymore.
Plus, Harry already had some good memories with other girls that he might have chosen instead and he thought it would be fun to try someone new this year.
He could have said any of those things, but instead he chose to remain enigmatic, hoping to draw his chosen girl in with unanswered questions to stir her interest.
So he gently cupped her cheek and drew her in for a kiss.
Harry's first kiss, which was fifteen months away yet years in the past, was rather pitiful as Cho Chang sobbed all over him. He had been such a pathetic wuss that he wasted almost two years mooning over that lame bitch.
In all of the time since, Harry had developed much greater skills.
He decided to go for somewhat tender yet with an underlying hint of passion and things to come. Daphne was flushed and pleased, although she did scowl as Tracy gave out an enthusiastic 'woohoo' of praise and tried to get her to high five.
His audience had enjoyed it, even if Daphne tried to remain composed.
He asked the girls about their summers and made a bit of small talk for awhile before excusing himself to make a couple of other stops on the train ride.
He checked in on his old friends and was amused to see that Hermione was still trying to nosily find out all of his business while Ron rambled about the Quidditch World Cup. He told them he had other, much more important things to deal with this year and neither of them were happy to hear that. He popped back out before Ginny fainted from blushing so much while staring at him.
Harry also took a glance at his previous girlfriend Susan. He was still a bit stung by the seeming betrayal of her not telling him a thing about their marriage contract, or even trying to talk to him for years, and was looking forward to rubbing his relationship with Daphne in her face.
Was that petty? Oh, hell yes.
Did he care? Nope.
Susan tried to give him a shy smile, but Harry just walked off.
Sadly, Parvati was in the next compartment. He sighed. Well, maybe next year. Harry had all the time in the world after all.
Harry rode in a carriage up to the school with Daphne and the girls. He parted ways with them before they got too many looks though- it would be a lot more fun to blow everyone's mind at dinner tomorrow night.
And sure enough, that's what happened. No one was prepared for Harry Potter to be sitting at the Slytherin table, flirting with Daphne Greengrass, and even lazily wrapping an arm around her when Snape stomped over to the table demanding to know what was going on.
Now even at fourteen, as the last living Potter, Harry was the head of his family, and Snape trying to screw with him should have led to all sorts of unpleasantness for the slimy bastard who was breaking all sorts of protocol and decorum by harassing someone who was his societal better. Ah, classism for the win.
But trying to interfere with a betrothed couple was an even bigger sin, and Harry loudly proclaimed so to the entire Great Hall. One more word or action taken against either of them and Harry would have him arrested.
Snivellus always thought himself above the law (wonder where he learned that- oh yeah, the stupid headmaster who never forced him to behave like an adult, teach properly, or face the punishment he should have for his crimes as a Death Eater) so of course, he began yelling at Harry.
Harry stood up, walked over to him and slapped his greasy face before challenging him to a duel to the death.
Snivellus looked like Christmas had come early. He sneered happily, thinking that he could take his time while tormenting and humiliating Harry.
Harry, on the other hand, opened with a silently cast full body bind that was much faster than expected. He then followed that up with a loudly bellowed 'Sectumsempra' that horrified the scumbag as he realized that he was going to bleed to death to a spell of his own creation.
Harry grinned while watching Snape die- it was at least the fourth time he had witnessed it, and yet it never got old.
One of the best parts of all this was seeing his new girlfriend's reaction. Not only did she smile, but she gazed at him with a type of smoldering hunger that he hadn't expected. It seemed that even some people in Slytherin hated their head of house.
Within a week, Daphne had drug him into several broom closets before Harry decided that an evening in the Room of Requirement would be much more comfortable.
Harry knew his choice for that year's girlfriend was an awesome one when he got to watch Daphne strip down out of her uniform. Who would have thought a pureblood would know how to move like that? And she was a natural blonde too.
He was so excited that night that he learned a couple of new things. First, that being a parselmouth meant he could do something that would give a girl overwhelming orgasms; and second, that when that girl is incredibly stimulated she might turn out to be a squirter. Daphne was embarrassed, but Harry brushed aside her concerns with his obvious pride at having driven her to such a release.
The first couple of months followed pleasantly for Harry. He and Daphne got along much better than he would have thought based on what he had seen of her previously icy demeanor.
And in the middle of October, Harry finally reached his goal. He officially lost his virginity.
Daphne wanted to make sure that everything went just right, which involved a magical bonding ritual that was supposed to bring them both a boost to their magical power. Harry wasn't sure if that changed anything, but the sex was awesome and it culminated in the best orgasm he could ever remember having.
The next day, Harry has happily walking down a corridor on the third floor on the way down to the Great Hall for lunch. He was whistling a jaunty little tune, although Harry couldn't remember for sure when he had learned to whistle.
Turning a corner, he almost ran into a wide-eyed little blonde that he hadn't thought of in a long time.
"Hello Harry Potter. You look uncommonly happy today."
"Hi Luna," he answered with a smile. "I am in the best mood ever."
"I finally lost my virginity last night."
"Oh, wonderful. Congratulations. I was wondering why you kept dating different girls. Daphne was the one then?"
"A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."
"You already told, though."
"Oh yeah, I did. Well, I guess I should keep the details to myself, at least."
"Meanie," Luna teased. "So, what else are you going to do this year? Are you going to go through the tournament again?"
"I'm leaning towards it..."
Harry stopped and tried to really focus on the conversation. Was Luna suggesting what he thought she was suggesting?
"Are you alright, Harry? You spaced out there for a moment, and, no offense, but that's kind of my thing."
"Yeah, sorry Luna. When was the last time we talked?"
"Oh, it was a few years from now. When you needed to sneak away from the celebrations in the Great Hall."
"You remember that?"
"Of course I do."
"But no one else does. I thought I was here alone."
"There are more than three hundred people in the castle today, Harry. That's pretty far from being alone."
"No, I mean...
"How many times have you seen me in the Triwizard Tournament?"
"Let me think..."
Luna paused and Harry could almost see her counting in her head.
"Seven, although one time you died during the first task, so that year was aborted."
"Yes, you seem to be at the center of this little distortion of time and space."
"I'm not sure what else to call it. We keep living through this one particular year at school over and over. And you must be the center of it, because it restarts every time you finish the year or happen to die. I was considering asking you to kill me to see what would happen. Would I watch the rest of your year like a ghost? That could be fun. I've never been a ghost before."
"Wait a second, Luna. Are you the only other person that is reliving everything with me?"
"Harry, we're all reliving everything. You don't think this is just happening in your head, do you?"
"I wasn't counting anything out. Do you think anyone else is aware of it though?"
"No one that I know of. I checked with my father, and he thought it sounded like a lot of fun, but was sadly not experiencing the same thing. That could be a factor of distance, I suppose. I tried asking a few other students, but they just thought I was being my usual odd self and ignored my question."
"That's too bad," Harry sighed. "Weird crap always seems to happen to me."
"I think that's part of what I like so much about you. I'm always hoping for more 'weird crap' to experience."
"I guess that makes sense," Harry nodded, while trying to process everything. "I'm sorry, Luna."
"What are you sorry for?"
"I should have come to talk to you sooner."
"Yes, you should, but I understand. Being stuck as a hormonal teenage boy desperately needing sex couldn't be too pleasant, especially when it goes on for several years longer than it should have."
"Yeah," he agreed. "Still, I could have at least put a stop to the people stealing from you. I always felt bad about not doing something about that."
"Don't worry, Harry. I've learned a lot these last few years, including plenty of spells to curse anyone stupid enough to think they could always get away with messing with little old Looney Lovegood."
"Good. Fuck those people!"
"I'd rather not."
"I just meant it as an expression."
"Okay. So what are you going to do now?"
"I'm going to have to introduce you to Daphne, I guess. I hope she's not the jealous type. Now that I think about it, I've really missed hanging out with you."
"Thanks, Harry. But you know, you aren't going to have time to actually marry her."
"Yeah, but I'm hoping to keep having as much sex as possible, and she is smoking hot."
"That she is," Luna agreed with a flush coming over her face. "Think she'd be up for a threesome?"
Harry got a glazed look on his face at the thought. "God, I hope so." He shook those amazing thoughts away.
"Luna, since we're both stuck here reliving this year, I think we should spend more time together. Maybe we can figure out what's going on."
"I'm always up for experimenting with the very nature of the universe. But if we come across any pseudo-natural things from beyond the fabric of reality, I call dibs on first contact. I've always wanted my very own Lovecraftian monstrosity."
"That sounds fair."
"Stick with me, Harry, and the world will be our oyster."
"I don't like oysters."
"More oysters for me then. They're an aphrodisiac, you know?"
"I don't think I need any help in that department. But I do want some jelly babies. The magical world's candies have nothing on those wonderful little things."
"I'd like to try them some time."
"Just imagine biting the heads off of squishy little people made of sugar."
"My mouth as a giant maw of doom, devouring their very souls?"
"Exactly," Harry cackled and a couple of people down the hall stared at the duo.
"Luna, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
At that moment, all across the cosmos, thousands of stars were exploding, supernovas and gamma ray bursts galore.
The universe itself quaked in terror at the thought of what Harry could get up to with Luna Lovegood.