So, this is my first story in English ever, and first story on this fandom too, so it might be full of mistake but I proof-read it so I hope it's not that bad. Please, if you have any comments on this matter, I'd be glad to read them. I used a modern language as, first, I can't imitate Shakespeare's style, second, the performance I saw gave the play a rather modern context, so … (And in this performance I have to tell, Antonio and Sebastian kissed ! Deeply, moreover)
Well, hope you'll enjoy !
Antonio was tired. But he did not move, no. Even though he wanted to, he just couldn't. There was something about Sebastian that could keep him up all night, something that could bring him to such an expansive and yet filled with tosspots tavern. Something that could keep him listening to Sebastian's constant blabbering.
"She could bear everything for me. Because she loves me. She loves me … well as much as she can love, I guess. Let's remind she was 'in love' with my sister, and didn't notice that the one she was indeed making love to was me. I guess I shouldn't really blame her for that, I mean, Viola and I sure look alike. We have the same hair, the same eyes, the same skin. But wherever she is tender, I am rough, when she is diplomatic I'm the type to put up a fight.
"What I mean is, if Olivia had truly fallen in love with Viola (well, Cesario), she wouldn't have fallen for me. It's logic. She just loves our face. And she could bear anything for that. This is a thing I truly don't understand about women. Can you fall for a face ? For a hand ? Isn't love supposed to be something more … profound and real ? It's my first delusion, I guess.
"When I say she could bear anything, I sometimes wonder if she does or does not give a fuck about me, as long as I'm hers. She stands my drunk self, which is kind of harsh, right ? You do know something about it, don't you ? I speak too much. I drink too much. One time, I hit her. She didn't say a thing. Do you think she would mind if I did it again ? It's been an awful long time since I did not have a true fight. Well, guess hitting Olivia is not having a real fight either. Would you want to have a fight with me ? I'd like to."
For a moment, Antonio truly considered the idea of fighting Sebastian, just for him to stop talking, but he just hit him in the back of the head instead. He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lightened it. As soon as it was done, Sebastian stole it from him.
"Someone of your rank shouldn't smoke."
Sebastian growled, frowning. He hated when Antonio said such things. It was like there was a distance between them. He preferred when he was just Roderigo. Ah, reminding the old times …
"At least someone of my rank has enough money to pay for new lungs, ah."
He was being sarcastic, of course. But the look on Antonio's face told him he had gone too far. Antonio often looked sad, these times, and no matter how much Sebastian got him out to drink, the frown wouldn't turn upside down. Sebastian knew there was something bothering him, but Antonio wouldn't tell and that was slowly getting on his nerves.
"And you ?"
Sebastian's drunk brain couldn't understand where this sentence wanted to go. Antonio sighed.
"You, do you love her ?"
That was a question he didn't really ask himself.
"Well, I guess I do, why wouldn't I ? She's rich, beautiful, crazy for me and the sex is quite great too."
Antonio's eyebrows went up.
"Didn't you say love was something deeper than that ?"
"It is. But … you must be right. I probably don't love her. But she's my wife, and that kind of thing can't really be helped."
"Does she stand that, too ? Can she bear that you don't love her ? Would she stand you falling in love with someone else ?"
Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment. His head was turning, and he didn't have much control on his body anymore. That was dangerous, he knew. If Olivia would bear having him loving someone else ? Silly question : she already did. There was no doubt she knew about his feelings for Antonio. Why else would he take him here every single night out of worry (and need to see him) ?
He choked on his saliva, as he knew this time he almost thought out loud. That's what he was seeking for, indeed. He had been waiting it for the longest time : the moment he would be drunk enough that his tongue would untie itself and he would confess to Antonio. Truth be told, he wasn't truly willing to tell him (at least, not when he was sober), because he knew Antonio's feelings towards him were more like admiration and devotion than like love, even though when he had kissed him, back when he called himself Roderigo, Antonio did not pull back. Actually, Antonio wouldn't ever do anything to hurt him.
This time was halfway the right time, because he said :
"She already does."
But didn't precise anything. Taken aback, Antonio turned toward him abruptly. He looked startled, and that made Sebastian smile.
"Who is it ?"
"You know the person. Quite well."
He didn't add a word. He was too close to confessing, and fear ran down his veins, mixed with excitement. Adrenaline.
"Is she from the court ?"
Sebastian hesitated to precise something like "It's not a she.", but that would be too much. Some other night, maybe. For now, he wanted to keep things mysterious and ambiguous. Even form him, it was. He was walking on a thin line, and a word could make him fall into either of the two sides. Or maybe was he already falling ?
If he was, he hoped the ground was not too hard. He was already hurt enough. He gave back the cigarette to Antonio, who just frowned. It was almost totally consumed.
"Then how did you met her ?"
It was funny, really, to hear Antonio speak about himself in a feminine way. But he didn't know. That was just more fun. This question, though, was a bit harsh to answer. "They saved me." Was far too much of a hint, and "Fate, hazard or whatever." Was too vague. He could try …
"That person's always by my side. They just help me whenever I need to."
Antonio frowned again. He looked concerned, for he had no idea who could possibly be this person.
"How old is she ?"
"Just like you."
That might be too much, too, but Antonio would hopefully not figure out. Or, maybe, hopefully he would figure out. Because if he did, that would mean he had thought of it already, right ? And this shall be great news.
"My lord, I really don't see …"
"No lord again, please. Not tonight. You didn't call me 'my lord' before all that. Oh, the person calls me 'my lord', too."
"So she's a lower rank ?"
"Socially or intellectually ?"
Answer to a question by a question : he was feeling trapped, and Antonio could see it.
"And what does she look like ?"
Sebastian had to prevent himself for looking Antonio to answer. First, it would be kind of useless because he already knew every detail of every piece of Antonio, and second, that would be the least discreet thing he would have done since starting this little game.
"Gorgeous, truly. 'Looks like heaven on earth, even though she's nothing like 'respectable'."
Now was back to Antonio's worried look. Funny, really. That warmed up Sebastian's heart : that meant Antonio cared for him, and seeing it was so much happiness.
"Why do you see her, then ? Be careful who you get around with, my lord."
"I am careful. This person is the best thing that happened to me in quite a while, maybe just after finding back my sister."
Antonio looked hurt for a moment. He couldn't believe something so great was happening to his beloved one and he didn't even know about it before tonight.
"And … does she know that you love her ?"
Sebastian laughed, but it sounded bitter as a sip of medical alcohol.
"Hell, no ! I guess the one I love would just run away if they knew. And I want anything but that."
Sebastian called for the waitress, and asked for a new bottle. He smirked as he knew he was cutting the line he was walking on himself, slowly.
"Please, Antonio, stay by my side."
"I will, my lord"
"Please, no. I don't want of you as a servant, I already have plenty, thanks ! I don't want you to stay by your lord's side, I just want Antonio to stay at Sebastian's side."
It had been a long time since he had got so personal about their relationship. Sebastian was giving far too much hints, and that was dangerous, but for some reason, Antonio didn't connect anything. Sebastian emptied his newly full glass in one second, to bear the pain. Of course Antonio didn't connect all of the elements : he would never imagine what could pass through Sebastian's mind.
But Antonio really did love Sebastian, and as he had asked, he couldn't refuse, even though he perfectly knew he would get more and more hurt with the time. His love was not one just to fade away within a year or two.
"I will, Sebastian."
The younger got red, as he noticed for the first time his name was starting by an "S". He already knew, for sure but … He didn't even imagine it could sound so … sensual. And his heart wanted to believe the promises Antonio didn't say out loud. All of them.
"You will … whatever I do ?"
"Whatever you do."
So. Tonight might be the night, after all.
"Because I do … well something that I fear could piss you off. May I tell you ?"
Antonio was a little unnerved, to see Sebastian so chilly about telling him something. Did he not trust him at all ?
"You can't piss me off."
"Oh please, you already got pissed off about me. Well, about Viola but you didn't know so that's quite the same."
"I thought you were denying me !"
"How could you believe such a thing ? Don't you know me well enough ?"
"My heart told me this was all a lie, but my eyes and ears swore you were rejecting me."
Sebastian understood, in some way. It was his deepest fear, that Antonio would deny or reject him. It would be unbearable.
"And it hurt you, right ? To think I was denying you."
"Of course it did !"
"Well that's what I'm frightened about."
"You're afraid that you would deny me ?"
"I'm afraid that you would reject me. Promise you won't.
"I don't see the interest in making such a silly promise. You know I'm yours body and soul."
"And heart ?"
"You're mind body and soul, right, but who your heart belongs to, huh ? Can't you see I can't ever get enough of you ! I'm just asking you to not reject me bluntly when I confess my love for you !"
There was a moment of silence, and Sebastian got up. He had to leave, quick. His legs were like jelly under his weight, and his whole body was shaking. He had to call someone to reach him, he had to not see Antonio ever, he had to run away but his legs, his legs like jelly and his headed turning, and his sight was blurry, and his body was heavy and he couldn't move couldn't physically move, and his arms heavy and the hand on his wrist, and … wait, hand on his wrist ? He turned back, all his surroundings still a little fuzzy, but he at least could see the light in Antonio's eyes. Hopefully it wasn't anger.
"I'm supposed to do something right now, ain't I ?"
"That would be truly kind of you."
Antonio growled and opened his mouth, as if he was about to say something, but closed it. He sighed, not sure what he exactly he could and couldn't do. He decided to ask, as he had no words left to tell his feelings.
"Can I kiss you ?"
Sebastian's eyes opened wide, as he shook firmly his head, his eyes begging. Antonio got up. It always impressed him how much a little thing as this guy could move him to that extent. He took Sebastian's face, but didn't move farther. He looked at the other clients. Most were drunk but most had contacts in high society. He grabbed Sebastian's arm and ran away from the place. The noble could barely follow, or understand what was going on. All he understood was the cold night air caressing his skin, freezing his sweat, the light of the moon, the wall hurtful behind him and this mouth over his. It was savage. Antonio just looked like he had been waiting for it his whole life, and so did Sebastian. When they separated, they laughed.
"You love me ?"
"Didn't I tell you my love every single day since I met you ?"
"I am silly, right ?"
"Are you mad at me ?"
Antonio smirked, and Sebastian guessed it more by the sound of the air than by the thin light from the sky.
Sebastian sounded frightened. No, no, he couldn't possibly have done wrong, right ?
"But I think I do know how you can redeem yourself."
Saying that, he pulled Sebastian even closer to him. The young man didn't know where he was going, really, as Antonio was the first man he looked more than he should, but he would just follow the lead, until he would have gotten the thing and be able to reverse the situation. Until then, Antonio would sure cherish him, and that was far more than he ever expected.
Well, it's done !
I'm really sorry about the very likely presence of numerous mistakes, but I did my best. If you notice one, you can tell me, so I'll improve my English and will be able to write even more stories in Shakespeare's language (even though I didn't respect it at all. Sorry, Shakespeare.).
See you !