I'll Be Watching You!

Note and Disclaimer: It's only my Igor series. Nothing is mine except the plot.


Every move you make,
Every vow you break,
Every smile you fake,
Every claim you stake,
I'll be watching you.

Colonel Blake tailed after us into his office and sat down at his desk as we stood before it. Then, he took some booze from the back cabinet and continued to drink while Major Burns complained to him about me and Karen. It didn't help that we were still kind of naked. I tried covering Karen, to give her some shred of decency, but Major Burns didn't allow it. He pulled me off to one side and ran one word into another in some nonsense regulation rant.

I don't think Colonel Blake was listening. He kept giving himself more and more alcohol until three bottles were gone. Eventually, he stopped pouring and tried staying awake. His head lulled back and forth and he snored a few times. Karen and I stifled our giggles and tried not to stare. Major Burns didn't think it was funny.

"Cease all laughter!" he yelled, loud enough that Radar heard. "That's a direct order!"

And oh, boy, was Radar interested! As Major Burns continued to report us to Colonel Blake, I heard Radar's footsteps behind us in the other room. When he reached the doors, I imagined him peeking up. But the rustles went away as quickly as they came. Radar isn't one for seeing people naked and always covers his eyes, even at the hole by the nurses' showers. I think he saw Karen and decided going back to bed was best. Either that, or he was going to tell Captain Pierce what was going on.

Anyway, Major Burns eventually stopped. He noticed that Colonel Blake was trying to keep awake and seemed offended. He slammed the palms of his hands on the desk in front of him.

"Colonel!" Major Burns whined. "Did you even hear what I said?"

"Huh?" Colonel Blake jerked his head and looked at Major Burns, confused. "Frank, what is it now?"

Major Burns' face turned beet red, worse than the ones we had in the kitchen. "Colonel, this mas has been fornicating with an officer!" He pointed at me. "And she was no better!" He moved his finger to Karen. "Look, Colonel, if we are to run a smooth camp, we cannot have the enlisted men paying attention to the officers like that. Besides, this man is married!"

"I am not married," I corrected quickly. When the officers looked at me, I felt my face flush. "At least, I'm not anymore. But Major Burns is."

Colonel Blake was suddenly interested. "Oh?"

"Well, Sir, I know that Major Burns and Major Houlihan like to meet each other and have intimate relations with each other," I continued. I glanced at Karen and remembered my manners. "Sir, should I go on with a lady present?"

"No, no," the colonel conceded. He waved Karen away. "I'm sorry about this, Lieutenant. You can get your clothes and umm…get dressed. Carry on."

"Carry on?!" Major Burns yelled. He whipped his head to peek at us and the colonel before facing our commander. "Colonel, what are you going to do about their disgusting transgressions? They are against regulations!"

Karen found her escape when Major Burns ran down another list of what was wrong with our deed. I gave her whatever clothes I had, so she didn't feel so embarrassed going back for hers, and wrapped her in them, even if it left me nothing except my skivvies and socks. She dashed out with a kiss blown to me.

"I don't know, Frank," Colonel Blake replied as the doors swung. "I sure as hell am interested in what you're going with Major Houlihan." He made a point of giving me the floor. "Private, please let me know what's going on with Majors Burns and Houlihan."

"W-w-well, I know Major Burns is m-m-m-married," I stammered as I stood straight. I took a deep breath. "Major Houlihan is not and I know she calls General Barker a lot. Radar told me. And…and a lot of people see them together. I know they hide behind the delousing station. Major Burns also goes to card games and dinners in Major Houlihan's tent. Major Houlihan makes dates in the mine field. And –"

"I think that's enough, Private." Colonel Blake cut me off and turned to Major Burns. "That's a lot of accusations right there, Frank. Fornicating while married is against regulations. Unmarried women can be drummed out too. And it's also pretty dangerous to be courting with a woman who has General Barker's interest."

"This is blackmail!" Major Burns yelled.

"But blackmail is just an ugly word," a voice said behind us. It was Captain McIntyre, entering with Captain Pierce.

"I think Igor has the ball right in his court," Captain Pierce added. "You rat him out, he can rat you out worse."

"Your choice, Frank," Colonel Blake concluded. "I'd choose carefully, if I were you."

Major Burns was outnumbered. Defeated, he huffed away, but not without stopping by me. He again pointed his finger at me, seething, and let out a few wordless sounds before talking.

"I'll be watching you!" he said. "Watch your back, Private!"

"I'd call that stalking," Captain McIntyre told Major Burns.

"Stinking, more like it," Captain Pierce corrected. "Igor hasn't showered in days and Frank is –"

"Enough, men," Colonel Blake ordered weakly. He sat back in his chair. "Dismissed!"

I couldn't believe it. This was my lucky break! I could still date Karen and not get in trouble for it. Colonel Blake approved!

As Major Burns stormed away, Captains McIntyre and Pierce approached and were discussing something with the colonel. They weren't so loud about it like they normally are. It was very hush-hush…and I was curious for more information. I didn't want to linger though. I was still in my Army shorts and receiving some very weird faces from the three officers on occasion. It was time to leave and get dressed.

I took the hint and snuck out. I went to the next set of doors and looked out at the compound, to see if somebody was on the lookout for me. It wasn't a matter of seeing everyone's glares on me. I had a whole camp anxiously awaiting my departure from that office. I mean, it was interesting enough that Major Burns dragged me and Karen in that office. Now, they needed to know what conspired afterward.

I took another deep breath and ran out.


The title and following lyrics are from the Police song "Every Breath You Take".