AUDIO (SoundCloud): /molemanninethousand/molemans-epic-rap-battles-43-sonic-expanded-universe-vs-star-wars-expanded-universe
VIDEO PREVIEW: watch?v=BxdXIo5Zu_4
FULL VIDEO(S): (TBA)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES… SEASON 4!
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG…
Sonic the Hedgehog:
Think you can match the fastest thing alive tonight? God, you're pathetic:
You'll fall hard like Bespin; Rebels, better ready your medics!
You know I have to do it to it when I'm letting loose a verse,
And it's no special edition, but still the blue one's shooting first!
This prodigy was busting labor camps amid robo-slaughter,
While you were shooting at small animals and farming for water;
You didn't give so much as a Chuck about your uncle's death by fire!
Sonic says: you're all washed up; go climb inside a tumble dryer!
Your swift saber strikes and speeder bikes could never come near to me,
And your teddy bears can't top these furry topplers of tyranny!
Man, my victory is certain, never mind a point of view:
Call this Ruusan, for the mind-blowing bombs I'm gonna drop on you!
Search your feelings, and you'll know this much to be true, you little punk:
Even Threepio sees your boasts as a Great Heeping load of bunk!
I built a force up from twelve pupils; now, I do the same with bars:
A great disturbance to your ego, to be sensed from wide and far!
There'll be no Light in Mobius' future once you face me here,
For you'll get lost up in the depths of space far longer than one year!
Prepare to be torn a new Knothole by the beating I'll be serving;
Knocking you around like Spinball, best believe I'll leave you hurting!
Spare this Grand Master your cat-mouse games and love-triangle drama;
Far-surpassing my own name, I've walked through shadow-realms and lava!
No mind-tricks, my personality makes lovers out of haters;
It's disarming, but don't take the Wampa's word: just look to Vader!
Sonic the Hedgehog:
I'll go Fleetway Super-me on you with disses so relentless,
You'll be ended as abruptly as your would-be first apprentice!
You're nowhere close to my coolness level, let alone way past it;
Just think where you'd be if R5-D4 hadn't blown a gasket!
You dis-armed your daddy twice before redeeming him with love,
But how about that idiotic business after, with his glove?
How can you play this once-and-future-future-king of former-Earth,
When you were dumb enough to pledge yourself to your arch-foe's rebirth?
Oh, don't bring up the Dark Empire debacle, Mr. Mecha Madness;
I should put you on some sort of treason-trial for your brashness!
Holocron calls you a speedster; I'd call that exaggeration:
You go slow like your attempt at a recursive adaptation!
You're all out of your fifth element; brace for a killer blow,
Because I've heard Chewbacca, may he rest in peace, spit iller flows!
Just do what you do best, and run: consider that a Jedi Order,
Lest I shake up your whole world's foundation worse still than the Xorda!
Sonic the Hedgehog:
All your trash-talk's like my birth name; I've a good mind to reject it,
Though it won't take Wookieepedia to put this in perspective:
As with your nephew from darkness, from my rhymes, you won't recover!
It'll take less time to finish you than you got with your mother!
I make no apologies here, nor would any clone of me:
You have no place among these stars; I ought to call the Zone Police!
Just ask my deadbeat great-grandson about my Legacy; pay homage!
I've heard you love chili dogs, and so: go eat a messy sausage.
Of this Overlander Joker and his tricks, I've seen enough,
And so I'm back again as promised, stepping in to queen it up!
I needn't rip off your wack weaponry to put a fight up here;
Been centerpiece de la Résistance since my adolescent years:
Out SWATting 'bots, performing sabotage and going undercover,
I succeeded Stripe with flying colors, even while discolored!
No mere cutesy critter found alongside piggies, chicks and blue jays,
I'm a one-woman Wolf Pack, no disrespect meant there to Lupe!
Know you're fucking with a princess, and no, I ain't talking incest:
What's your Force against the Source of All that is, by which I've been blessed?
Think you hold the lion's power-share? You're headed for a fall:
With Acorns' Sword in hand, I'll bring your movement to a closing crawl!
My brother's beef is with your boy-toy! Me, though? I'm someone who loathes you:
Try to best me with ol' Obi's help, and still you've not a hope to!
Like the ghost of dear old dad, forgiving you's out of the question,
For so heinous are your raps, your very name's beyond redemption!
The Rebellion doesn't want your child soldiers; what the Hell?
I got to storm the O.G. Death-machine; a tale I lived to tell!
I'm a fat bastard-ending master, whether it's via choking,
Or by bisection, Darth Maul-style, sans survival; no joking!
You'll plummet when I cut you loose for good, and wholly on purpose:
Your Doc's a Quack for saving you; not even Dulcy's as worthless!
I've kept more modesty than your getup allows you while enslaved;
No Snow White schtick will save: my blaster-shot will put you in the grave!
I'll need no reset button coming back from those pot-shots of yours, bitch:
Mine will subjugate your mind; just think your husband's means of courtship,
Or the world-Roboticizer I gave up my will to do in!
Like Infinities, I'll send you off the rails and into ruin!
Those foul words won't faze this Chosen-backup Jedi Knight, you wench:
Your Secret Servicer Pepé Le Pew agrees about their stench!
Han needn't intervene: I'll Solo Sally; knock her off her feet,
So as King Nigel'd say, she's in for a most smashing of defeats!
Sonic the Hedgehog:
You may fire when ready, Sal.
Sally Acorn: You needn't give me your permission;
Elias can keep the throne: to rock chump's worlds is my life's mission!
Crossing me's a worse idea than a sentient crying mountain;
You'll end up in deeper Sorrow still: on that, you can be counting!
I made Sarlaac-food of Boba Fett, and though his fate didn't last,
The point remains: you couldn't win back your freedom fighting Jodo Kast!
Princess Leia: Your daddy's adamance against your romance never should have ceased,
Because not only is SonAmy better: so is SonElise!
Oh, that is it; EndGame starts here!
Sonic the Hedgehog: You've crossed the line now, brotherfucker…
Sally Acorn: I spared Eggman at his nadir, but your cracking will be utter!
Come and get me; I'm the New Republic Grover Cleveland, sucker:
No gal in this galaxy can compare!
Luke Skywalker: No… there is another…
"You will kill Sonic the Hedgehog", voices in my head command me,
And said order needn't be repeated; I'll fulfill it gladly,
And not settle for some clone made from a severed former hand,
When in to bust Jade's Fire verses comes the Emperor's former Hand!
You wanna dance with me? Well, you should know: this isn't Jabba's palace,
So no stealth is necessary here; I spit with open malice!
I won't second-guess this mission, let alone become your bride;
You couldn't get me to join you with a swarm of Killiks on your side!
Before, I made blue foes concessions; ever since, I've learned my lesson:
I'm resistant to suggestion, and to deadly spore-infection!
That insane old man's foresight fell flat; that much, I made him see,
But mark my words: Princess Acorn will soon fall to her knees for me!
I rocked that purple saber-blade before Sam Jackson made it mainstream;
Like Luke getting with Callista, beating me is just a vain dream!
I'm a Wild Karrde: a dark tyke-bomb-turned-smuggler with a blaster,
Then wife, mother, and, of course, the O.G. female Jedi Master!
Sonic the Hedgehog:
This ain't Yavin; no quick saves! Abandon ship; trust me: you wanna,
Lest you be exposed to coldness vaster than at the Katana!
Sally Acorn: All we'll need to counter that display rests right here in my hand;
With me through many a bizarre adventure, just call this my Stand…
I enter with a will of Iron, though not as Regina's minion:
I'm a holo-hottie, here to put you under my Dominion!
A Lynx more Advanced than any Game Boy, let alone Atari's,
I detect no threat from you, and certainty that you'll be sorry!
I'm a truly self-made woman if this world's ever seen one,
Constructing cities out of scratch; how? Check it: nanomachines, son!
My evil counterpart assumed a turtle's form, the crazy bastard;
Overclocking won't be needed for my going greatly faster!
Though your dossiers' downloads were massive, I'm a rapid learner;
If Jade's bark had any bite, she'd off Luke sooner than he'd turn her!
I don't give a BEEP about that garbage canister of yours;
If rebel data's what you're after, I'm the one you're looking for!
In trying to bring about my ousting, this wack wizard won't get far:
I'll hack into his puny mind; entrance him like The Crystal Star,
For I'm not of this universe! They flung a light into the past,
And soon, you'll share my makers' fate, struck by my verbal-nuking blasts!
Keen on inciting our armada's wrath? If not, then don't be starting:
That's like building up a settlement atop some ancient garden!
Luke Skywalker: I project true power; this glorified Pokédex just spouts noise!
Mara Jade: Her flimsily-fabricated feline form couldn't catch a mouse droid!
Pardoning Kyp's stellarcide surely made you some enemies;
What, did you try forgetting that? Well, here: I'll jog your memory…
Sally Acorn: Seeing as the royal army isn't here to represent our nation:
To me, Freedom Fighters!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Reassemble!
NICOLE: Roll out!
Sonic, Sally and NICOLE: BATTLESTATIONS!
As I once more steal the show, this time I'll make it worth the while;
Fools should know: I am the fuel that shall sustain this track for miles!
Far-empowered from the coward I was in the early years,
You'll need a whole lot more than margarine to get me squirming here!
When the Great War is reignited, I'll repeat my dad's performance.
Once a hopeless romance-rival, I'm now regularly scoring
With a hot cyborg like Krillin, and bells soon will sound once more,
But not in light of any wedding as it's you they're tolling for.
I am the walrus! To the Eggman, though, I'm polar-opposite:
The engineer of the salvation of a planet's populace!
No Herd-mentality-subscriber, my inventiveness is boundless,
More than any carpenter's; where'd you think Tails picked up his prowess?
Rock 'n' roll like my bazooka that was nearly Buttnik's Boomer,
I'm far too fly for the council; should've left them even sooner!
Now, I've got my own Stark-style suit, and my own team, at that,
But you're unfit to join, and that says lots; we let in Big the Cat!
Be silent here? Like the "T" in my surname, I ain't going to,
For one attracts more flies with sugar, but I'll shit all over you:
A worse nightmare for y'all than mine where metal overtakes my person,
'Cause you're feeble as the Auntie-Bodies of my Anti-version!
Midget Morgan Freeman gave me these upgrades so I could wreck you;
I just keep going and going, needing no cell to connect to!
With apologies to Beauregard, who raised me way back when,
Neither your asses or the South are ever gonna rise again!
There's no country for you on Mobius!
Bunnie: You tell 'em, Antoine, sugar!
Antoine: You'll be slaughtered; we'll put steel bolts in your brains like Anton Chigurh!
Rotor: Penders' word on my love life was wholly unsubstantiated,
But there's ample indication that you're getting devastated!
Bunnie: Taking after our Sand-Blaster chapter, things are getting bloody!
Antoine: You're old hat, á la Master K'Kruhk…
Bunnie: …But won't turn out as lucky!
NICOLE: This resistance lives on, always!
Sally Acorn: There can be no stopping us!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Even Ric Olié would agree: that much is sorely obvious!
Don't think there's too many of you for us to handle, now, you rats:
The weapon I've inherited is known for cutting little brats!
Luke Skywalker: My set of students fared far better, but don't take it from just one guy;
Get schooled on the matter by the most badass of our alumni…
D'Coolette, you'd better cool it: sheathe your blade soon as I enter;
Just regress back to the stereotype you stem from, and surrender!
Heed the wisdom of a certain other Antoine: hide your wife,
'Cause obviously, I don't need to self-destruct to take your life!
Your souls will be trapped here forever for so much as trying to battle
With the guy created for the plots too big for Luke to tackle!
Dealing blows strong, fast and medium, I'm one true triple threat,
Known as the galaxy's Chuck Norris; fact: I fucked up Boba Fett!
The Death Star plans' theft was but item one on my long venture-list:
I brought prophecies to fruition and killed dragons with my fists;
Aborted the rebirth of the regime I'd once served as a goon!
You're like the game among whose clones mine stood out with its engine: Doomed!
I'll drop the hammer harder than I dropped the Hammer on you bastards;
Of my droid and me, it's I whose very stare's a deadly hazard!
I brought fans the tech it took to stage fight scenes straight from the films;
Though on the Light Side, rapping-wise, I'm out to take the power-helm!
I ride the Raven's Claw, yet Gryffindor's where Hogwarts would be having me,
For I'm an alpha-male, but as for magical Academies,
This Jedi Battlemaster stands against your ilk's admittance!
Even my arch-nemesis can see: your strength is nonexistent!
Don't expect you'll shut this bunny down; this ain't your Marvel series!
Rotor: As intimidation goes, rag dolls have spooked me more severely!
Antoine: With your tainted bars, like poisoned food, you're fouler still than Patch!
Freedom Fighters: This Star Wars-Smashing Squad will put you in the ground without a scratch!
Sally Acorn: While Kyle triumphed at the Valley, wait 'til our full force comes, rallied,
With the strength of eight Darksiders!
NICOLE: Should I send a beacon, Sally?
Sonic the Hedgehog: Nah; forget our friends Downunda, for I know far fiercer creatures:
I'll be chilling out off-panel while you face our backup feature…
Knuckles the Echidna:
I'm gliding in to climb to tops of charts as I put you to pasture,
Striking iron-Knuckled blows against so-called Steel-Handed "Masters"!
One mere series couldn't contain my people's rich, proud history;
I'll drive you deeper into madness than the Sith's dark Mysteries!
Not just the Emeralds' Guardian, I'm also keeper of these tracks;
If I go green here, know it ain't with envy, you trespassing hacks!
My first friendship was forged with Sally at my home high up above,
But Sonic needn't worry; I've got my own steady-going love…
That's right, yo!
Finally: someone once more let me out of my cage;
I'm exiting the Twilight Zone, and entering a fit of rage!
The Legion's freed, yet ultimate annihilation's still in store;
You stopped three stages of Dark Forces? Call this trooper a phase-four!
The tech inside my hair alone puts that robotic hand to shame;
In fact, it's said Shades of my character have made it to the games!
Plus, shout-out to a certain bat: go fuck yourself; the red one's mine.
I know the way to Knuckles' soul; want the Ugandan version? Fine…
I came in packing heat before that punk edgelord made it uncool:
I've got a Luger for Grandmaster Luke; I'll straight-up cap you fools!
If thinking you can take me on, you're tripping on that Lemon stuff;
I even helped bring Amy's freedom-fighting prowess up to snuff!
No mere religious purge compares to all the horrors our kind has faced:
"A dingo ate my baby"? Try "Dingoes damn-near-wiped out my race"!
I brought along a frenemy who knows this well; this dude is ancient:
Unearthed after centuries, he's waited long to make his statement…
I'll make broken-minded, drooling cretins of you sorry devils!
Thus, you'll let me break you down on a molecular level,
But unlike whom I quoted there, my transformed state won't disappoint:
Commence the power-syphoning; I'm Ener-jacking up this joint!
Dimitri (Enerjak): In trying to bring the island of my nephew's birth down from the heavens,
Chaos was unleashed, with Emerald energies cranked to eleven!
Third of my name and remaker of the realm in my own image,
I'm one ugly mofo, and you'll make for easy prey; you're finished!
Burial can't keep me down, nor can I be kept up in space;
Even entombed, I'll sow the seeds of revolution for my race.
Watch me get inside Mara's head, taking the Emperor's former place;
I'll turn her back against her love, and banish Leia to the wastes!
Katarn has clearly gone insane! I'll snap him out, though not through yielding:
Closer to a Thanos sort of snap; his fate, I'll soon be sealing!
Once I raise my Nekronopolis, it's these wretches' apocalypse;
Sans divine intervention, by what else can I be toppled?
Julie-Su: This? (*DRAIN…*)
Dimitri: Gah! It seems I've been reduced to more machine than man,
But although I'm a head, we're still ahead, and keeping to the plan,
For I speak purposefully, and not to weaken our cause from within:
Don't Steppenwolf to this; our win's a Locke! Now Lien-Da hand, my kin…
Chaotix' captain's dropping Mighty, Heavy Bombs yours can't compete with,
As the fiercest creature of his kind you'll find this side of Greek myth!
Julie-Su: While we risked assassination trying to reunite our nation,
When we go to war with you, there'll be no reconciliation!
If your mom was Mari-Su, the apple didn't fall far; go figure.
I'll juice Julie dry, as if she were some grapes up in a vineyard!
Kyle Katarn: Leaving naught of Baxter Stockman here shouldn't us take long at all;
I mean, for crying out loud: a pack of ants caused his initial fall!
Luke Skywalker: It ought to be a crime just bringing this brash Knuckles out in public;
Making like his future-self, I'll tear his soul out through his stomach!
Princess Leia: You should know that yours won't be the only party made to pay,
When an old hired gun steps straight out of Shadows into the fray!
Yo, had I not swooped in on Tatooine, Luke would have perished, surely;
Hell, I had the Gall to try and rescue Solo prematurely!
My sharpshooting helped save Leia from the clutches of the Black Sun;
Had the heroes' backs at Echo Base while they fled in the Falcon!
My project paved the way for the prequels, plus the rereleases:
Check its tech props in A New Hope; they look sweet, however needless!
Screw you, Sega: my game on Nintendo Sixty-Four sold millions;
Man, we got our very own soundtrack damn-near on par with Williams'!
My Hoth level's awesomeness inspired Rogue Squadron in its wake,
So Chuckie Finster over there can suck my nasty one-eyed snake!
Watch me entangle you with words, like making walkers go kaput;
I straight-up kicked Boba Fett's ass!
(*Unimpressed silence; crickets…*)
…Then shot the Slave One down on foot!
Even cold-hearted robo-ladies can't help warming up to Dash;
Like my big bro into some wack museum, you're about to crash!
Well, many Bothans died because of my poor aim, and that's no joke,
But this time I won't miss as I'm the one who blows up furry folks!
You bit off Han's whole schtick: the ship, sidekick and all! Are you for real?
Knuckles: Your character's so unoriginal, I'll call you "Donut Steel"!
Dimitri: This mind needs not a mortal form to keep things going neatly my way:
I'll reciprocally mind-swap apprentice-pairs; think Freaky Friday!
You're akin to Xizor's home: so utterly bullshit-infested,
We should just blow you sky-high before your crappy rapping spreads it!
Luke Skywalker: Next, the mic goes to our killer secret weapon; he's a star!
Princess Leia: He'll come in like a wrecking ball; you'll never have been hit so hard!
My Soul's of highest caliber, and to the lore, I'm no mere guest:
This mighty martyr's the kick-starter of the whole Rebellion-quest!
I put Skywalker's working name to use, and made it something greater:
I've got Midis off the charts, and real Montoya-beef with Vader,
And although I brought him in alive, I'll end you with my rhymes,
'Cause yours are garbage; someone ought to dump them off on Raxus Prime!
I won't let your foul Brood go free, though I will bring you resolution:
My Force-lightning skills are Infamous; they'll be your execution!
Thrashing Knuckles, I'll make an Endangered Species of his posse;
Sic my crazy training holo-droid on them: murder by PROXY!
Shaaked and shaken by my lyrics, you'll be sent to the abyss:
Find no Salvation once this Rogue casts down his Shadow; be Eclipsed!
It took eleven-thirty-eight attempts at replicating this;
Luke killed a Rancor? Padawan's play; watch me fry far bigger fish,
And I'm glad to have died a hero: had I lived, resuming villainy,
My dark self would have fucked up the entire classic trilogy!
This Star Destroyer-destroyer thinks he's such a massive deal,
But he's about to get blindsided; learn just how his master feels!
Knuckles: We'll harrow you until your faces all go solid white, you clowns,
Then form a council and, like Finitevus…
Echidnas: …Vote to put you down!
How's Mobius intend to top my Force Unleashed; Rule Thirty-Four?!
Kyle Katarn: Knux ain't a true original; just look to Sonic's early lore!
Dash Rendar: My contract called for eighteen bars, so… does this mean I get a raise?
Princess Leia: What? No, you scruffy-ass nerf herder!
Dash Rendar: Well, then… off to hyperspace! (*WHOOSH!*)
(*Kyle Katarn and Galen Marek are inadvertently caught up in the Outrider's hyperspace jump…*)
…Something tells me that ship won't be back to stage our timely rescue;
Like our foes post-Doomsday, seems it's time to try a different venue:
I propose that our next generation join in on this jam!
Mara Jade: I'm not about to bring our son into this, Luke!
Princess Leia: Well, then, I am!
I'm burdened with the duty of absolving grandpa's twisted legacy,
But I ain't stressing here, for never would I join this enemy!
A chosen child Golden Globe Champ just like Ricky Schroder,
Prophecies attest: I represent the future of the Order.
Making enemies envious ever since I was in diapers,
Your Mongoose is cooked; it's her swan song once I start up a cypher,
For this Solo isn't solo in word-melding on the mic:
It's truly Triple Trouble for you when we launch our sibling-strike!
It's Twin Suns leader, standing by no longer; here for little brother!
Jacen Solo: …With her twin, sons, and we share a stronger bond than any other!
It won't take five years of searching to reveal you stand for nothing:
You're as fake as the Imperium's alleged leader; fronting!
Try to hunt us down with your guerrilla tactics, and get owned,
Because I'll slay your would-be queen before she ever takes the throne!
Jaina: I'm all in favor of diversity, within the realm of reason,
But come on: a French coyote; are your writers trying, even?
I'm to be addressed as "Goddess", suckers; didn't you get the memo?
This Sword of the Jedi's sharp as a molecular stiletto!
Jacen: Know I won't embrace your painful raps, for empty are your words:
There's more worth learning in the ramblings of some torture-happy bird!
Jaina: We've got the moves like Jagged, Felling you in one decisive swoop:
Sticking it to you doubly, to throw you for your final loop!
Though I've seen Darkest Knights returned to light, you're way past all redemption!
Jacen: Violence is the answer here, and I'll end you, no qualms, no question!
Anakin: Taking up Kenobi's blade, which I retrieved, I'll strike you down,
And death won't make you powerful; I'll always have the higher ground!
Jaina: We're pushing past the Edge of Victory…
Jacen: …And you right off a cliff!
Solos: The holocaust these furballs face is no mere propaganda myth!
Jaina: My tricks will mess with mental sensors 'til you can't tell friend from foe!
Jacen: To stave off your Light future-vision, there are no lengths I won't go!
Anakin: I started heresy among the Vong's untouchables, but still:
We're Shaming you such that you couldn't recover were that what I willed!
Sonic the Hedgehog:
I'm reassuming center stage again to kick your sorry tails,
Self-chosen as the one who'll bring back harmony, so sorry, Tails!
With fifty rings in hand, I'll blow you off your feet a second time;
Bring consequences far more dire than those winds in Vector Prime!
Super Sonic: This Chaos-Agent's trumped "Perfection" and curb-stomped wack salamanders,
And as non-robotic lizards go, call me your Finalhazard!
Like a Supreme Overlord with not a single string attached,
I'm unlimited to the seventh power; Palpatine's no match!
Equipped with but a single Emerald-set, of extras, I've no need
To send you to your Myrkr; striking you with Hyper-Sonic speed!
Taking a page from my Thoraxian performance as I spit this,
You'll go down in flames disastrously like my name was Iblis!
Brother, sister, tell Tahiri that I'll be returning shortly
From confronting this piss-colored prick, achieving utter glory.
I'll release a wave of lyrics that'll rock your world forever:
One that couldn't be stopped by you and Mega Man both put together!
I could decimate your cosmos Star by Star! What are you thinking,
Messing with the force that brought the dinosaurs to re-extinction?
It's my specialty to rise to challenges no other could;
A second great big Feisty softie's 'bout to get that understood… (*STRIKE!*)
…Gah, my spleen! Ah, well, no matter; I've still energy aplenty,
And I'd die before surrendering to you, to put it bluntly!
When you feel the white-hot burn of what my power's pouring into,
It'll mess your look up vastly worse than your Memento issue… (*BANG!*)
Sweet Aslan; Sonic, speak to me!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Don't worry; I had rings left!
My dear baby!
Mara Jade: Are you okay, Annie?
Jaina Solo: Please get up…
Jacen Solo: …Yeah, he's dead.
Mara Jade: What?!
Luke Skywalker: No, no, that's not true; that's impossible!
Princess Leia: What have I done?!
Jacen: I need to go rethink my life, not back at home, but on the run!
Sally Acorn: Ha!
Jaina: Don't you dare laugh, fuzballs; this is all your fault; you murdered him!
I should abduct you for lab testing; think more Felidae than NIMH!
Luke Skywalker: I fear it's my anger and hatred from which what we've suffered stemmed,
So though the Jedi will continue, it's time for this feud to end…
So… what does this mean?
Antoine: That the Mobian world-victory's renewed!
Bunnie: …And not a fat warlord in sight!
Sally Acorn: The glowing eyes are no-shows, too.
NICOLE: It's my home-future's polar-opposite!
Sonic the Hedgehog: We've finally won it all,
And we don't even have to deal with any Wasteland protocol!
Don't celebrate too soon, hedgehog, for I've returned in search of vengeance;
You have no idea what I've Sacrificed for my ascendance!
Nephews of your foes who took their places prior weren't the brightest?
I'm so dark, they couldn't so much as see my heart; the name is Caedus!
Waging most uncivil war, I'm back in black to dominate,
And soon, Antoine, his dad and my dear aunt will share a common fate!
Once I sic my Alliance Guard on you, there's no use in retreating;
Watch as I put a G.A.G. order out against your very breathing!
You're all talk, while I flow-walk in present, past and future tenses,
And I didn't just honor brother with his girl as my apprentice:
It's comeuppance for your team when Anakin returns the favor!
I'll whip Bunnie into Cream, armed with my late Dark Lady's saber.
Ending Sonic will be simple as his wack McDonald's games,
And Sal, I've got a royal prick neck-snapping knack; ask mom's old flame!
Invincible as I Reveal my Fury through Infernal rhymes,
The fans rechristened me, but there's no contest here, you kriffing slimes!
The last live light of Leia's lineage has returned to end your evil;
I've rejected darkness, helped out by Kyp Durron of all people!
Lesser heroes beat up Boba Fett; I put him to good use:
Trained with our former enemy! Between us, though, there'll be no truce!
Ah, sister: I bid you dark greetings; I'd long-wondered where you were!
Come join me, and together, we as twins can smite these rabid cur!
Indeed, I see it now; a vision: you'll fulfill your destiny,
Igniting your lightsaber blade and killing your true enemy! (*STAB!*)
Oh my stars!
Antoine: Mon dieu!
NICOLE: Meh; I've seen worse.
Julie-Su: Hell, I'd do that to my sis…
Knuckles: She's gone mad!
Dimitri: Whatevs; kill me, for all I care.
Rotor: Do something, highness!
Sally Acorn: Let's be rational here; think before you use that laser-arm…
…It's Sonic's fault, if anyone's!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Wait, what?!
I mean none of you harm.
Each one of us has said some nasty things throughout this battle's course,
And that's what cost my brothers' lives, such is the Dark Side of the Force,
So though I hate you, your whole franchise, and your fans' furfaggotry,
I won't kill you, for that would just perpetuate this tragedy!
…Did somebody say "tragedy"?
I'm a Munn of wealth and taste who needn't be self-introduced,
Repping the reemergence of ways a millennium reclused!
Manipulating midi-chlorians? I've maximized the biz,
So let me educate you on my origins, and all that jizz:
Ol' Tenebrous may not have been my father, but he was my daddy;
Even so, I silenced him, and now he yearns for screaming badly.
No malady you can bring, though, could so much as shut my mouth up:
What I spit is Venemis; that, I leave rivals with no doubt of.
Although not exactly old, my legend's legacy's eternal:
Look to Tarkin; call me Darth Da Vinci, so dope are my journals!
Not delaying, I'll show what wicked wisdom's held behind Damask;
Your group couldn't take me down with more than FourDee arms' combined attacks!
For my foes' ancient prophecy's hijacking, I've been vying lots,
But as for your alleged "Chosen One", I give no flying fox!
These beats go by the Rule of One; I'd hardly call it irony
That you could save yourselves from death by others' hands, but not from me!
Sonic the Hedgehog:
Your mind is surely Plagued by something; why the long face, Darth BoJack?
Rotor: We won't forgive you, anyway, so get the fuck out Knothole, hack!
Bunnie Rabbot: Don't you come touting "immortality" in our town, you old meanie!
Antoine D'Coolette: We'll go Tale of the Three Brothers on you, striking far less cleanly!
What in San Hill are you thinking, fighting back? You cannot thwart me;
I'll be chosen winner, fair and square: the votes are due in shortly… (*BLAM!*)
Freedom Fighters: AW, SHIT!
Darth Plagueis: …Oh, drop the feigned surprise; there's no need for pretending.
What did you expect based on the opera scene; a happy ending? (*BOOM!*)
It seems your Qin-esque quest for life eternal was in vain,
But fret not, "master"; I'll take in your stead the new Empire's reins!
You should have settled for possession; I know well that power's merits,
Case in point: my evil essence's transference to these lyrics!
Hitting woodland critters far worse than some droids attacking Wookiees,
One could say death spared a great deal of distress for Master Mundi!
Snuffing Sal like Spidey's Stacy, orders left unexecuted,
But Count on it, Dookie-heads, that I won't hesitate to do it!
Our spy network's got your number, Dawg; it doesn't take a Sleuth,
You all-bark, lying, far-side Dark Side douchebag, self-orphaned as a youth!
Sonic the Hedgehog: We're turning your own words against you, for with ours, we're flowing hate,
And screw the senate: this sick cypher will be what decides your fate!
I am this cypher! As for senates, Sonic, let me tell you something:
You remind me of Jar Jar; one fool got played, and one's a Gungan!
They staved off 'Twan's planned demise with fan-outcry and cosmic waves,
But once I'm fed up with him, he's a goner no reboot could save!
Don't go 'round dissing me tonight: it's bound to take your whole world's lives,
And it's no mere bad moon I speak of: there's a Death Star on the rise!
Match your dumb dash against my spinning lunge? I'd like to see you try;
Now, thunderously and to mass-applause, young hedgehog, you will die…
Zapping as usual, I see; go eat my Crocodile's gun!
I'm highest of the Overlanders, and there can be only one,
Cross-zone encounters notwithstanding; that's what saved me way back when:
I nuked the world, then hopped dimensions just to do it all again!
I've heard rotund robotic folks excel at ending you for good;
Clean Sweeping floors with you, you Sheevposted in the wrong neighborhood!
Though twenty-plus post-EndGame issues passed before I would arrive,
This'll be over faster than your reign, had you said "Sixty-Five"!
Check out my Legion: we are many, and above discrimination;
Kukkus flock beneath my wing, while I annex echidna nations!
I possess a magic touch, and my big brother knows it well.
My Death-ship's one tough Egg to crack; yours takes one shot to blow to Hell!
Oh, don't bring up your puny parody of my great superweapon,
For compared, you'll find it pales, just like my face upon arresting!
Although I'm the old man here, try throwing off the Emperor's groove,
And get dropped harder than the ARK with your granddaddy's dying move!
I'll take control of my whole horde, press on with alternating tactics,
And D.E. your sorry ass; you'll be devoured by my Badniks!
It's my most triumphant moment since issue one-seven-five:
Brace for a fall no form of Emerald could allow you to survive…
(*Palpatine is sent plummeting to his death and explodes for no reason…*)
Palpatine, Emperor Reborn:
Did you think hatching that old hat hatch-trick would truly do me in?
You seem to be confusing me with he who taught me, Julian,
For when it comes to saving my own self from death, I can and have:
Back with my Empire's Darkness up twofold, and wrinkles down by half!
I have no time for naming heirs; I'm an eternal autocrat!
You'll never hold such power; not again: those Bem freaks saw to that.
I'm brewing up a Forceful storm, Eclipsing your Egg Fleet by far;
You'll fall to madness as I squash you like the wretched bug you are!
Returned by Byss from the abyss, watch me tear Mon Cala to bits,
Springing a trap so devastating, Ackbar's warning won't do shit!
I needn't share my son's defects to see through all your ploys blindfolded;
Just take it from my apprentice, in my image newly-molded…
You know what they say, and I ain't talking more being merrier:
If you can't beat them, join them; my new master couldn't be scarier,
And so I'm fighting for the strongest side, dark though it clearly is!
Don't underestimate its power, as I quite severely did!
I've got this covered, going deep like Quinlan Vos for Shadow Hand;
Ask Endor's vets: there's strength in simply acting under his command!
Now, summoned once more from far, far away to carry out his bidding,
I'll be crashing Carriers; smashing through barriers with spitting!
…Also: kidding! (*SLASH!*)
Yo, Hideous: how's that for sabotage?
As if I'd ever… crap, it's that blue butthole and his entourage;
I'm not about to start with you again!
…Then try his nemesis,
And get served with Mobian bacon; think my namesakes, Benedict!
I'm Warlord-Doctor Julian Ivo Eggman Robo-Kintobor,
And I'm gonna be a rapping star before this battle's over!
Neither your arch-foe's rebirth nor my own Prime-self's lasted long,
But I'm like Hamill's other tour de force: immune to staying gone! (*BOOM!*)
It's just been revoked, dear uncle; now, at last, I see your heart,
And it's my turn, for reals this time: can't cancel this before it starts!
While his fat ass fills up the Void, I'll fill the void left, taking power:
Bay's Starscream, but to survive here, I don't have to be a coward!
You'll soon share my cousin's fate: G.U. down with cruel efficiency;
My rhymes are programmed for annihilating you specifically!
Long live me four times over, for both Emperors are double-dead;
There's fewer out there who could stop me now than hairs left on my head!
Palpatine, Reborn Again:
Did you ever hear of the tragedy wrought by my resurrection?
It's not a story Disney would tell you; it's a Star Wars Legend!
Palpatine is no mere Pac-Man; past three lives, I have loads more!
Take on them all, and I'll need no grand plan for winning that Clone War.
I see just what you're made of, Colin, and you shouldn't pose a problem:
You're a bit of Grimer Wormtongue mixed with twice as much of Gollum!
While your sister-kinship's Hopeless, you'll find me still less forgiving:
Get out of this battle, my Empire, and this realm of living!
Oh, I won't be cucked again by you and your decaying cells:
I'll feed you to your rank Rancors; chop down your flimsy citadel!
You'll find I've been preparing for this like you should have for the Vong,
For I'm DYNAMAC, and I've waited long…
?: Yes, I'll bet you have!
Luke Skywalker: Han; what are you doing here?!
In Oscar's words, a very brief cameo:
Think The Lego Movie; dropping by real quick, I'll soon have to go.
Thankfully, all that I need deliver here's a single blast,
'Cause Palpatine's no Greedo; I'll be proud to say I shot him last! (*KA-BANG!*)
…Well, that's just perfect! Now, his very soul is sealed away,
And the Empire entire's in a dire state of disarray,
With many warlords out there, feuding over territories, splintered;
Rising up, I'll claim the mantle as the one and only victor!
(*Glowing red eyes appear in the foreground…*)
HERE COMES THE ADMIRAL!
Ladies and gentlemen…
HERE COMES THE ADMIRAL!
…The moment you've been waiting for…
HERE COMES THE ADMIRAL!
…The pride of Mount Tantiss…
HERE COMES THE ADMIRAL!
Grand Admiral Thrawn:
Seeing Sheev's shortsightedness as to succession, I'm his Heir apparent:
The exception to perceptions against aliens' "aberrance"!
Failure's fatal under Vader; with manpower, I don't squander it:
You're kriffing with the living Mitth behind the whole Triumvirate!
I am the very model of an Imperial Admiral,
Who studies matters cultural, artistic and behavioral
To form psychological profiles of my foes for masterful
Strategic tactics carried out with minimal collateral
Damages; I can manage shit! Abandon ship, you Muppet:
I'm as Far Outside your scope as those who'd slaughter the Republic!
Lessers of my rank are best remembered for creating memes;
When I see traps, they're neutralized with tact: no need of making scenes!
The Force can Chiss my ass; I'm more than just another silly wizard
Villain: chilling in my ship with trick-resisting kitty-lizards!
You should catch an Outbound Flight from here: get out the path of Thrawn,
The mighty menace never met by the main cast; think Wrath of Khan!
The aftermath of Zahn's post-Endor event-chronicling creation
Paved the way for countless tales; indeed, my very reputation
Carried sequels even following my own untimely slaying!
Thus, I borrow back from Saw: game over, Snively; thanks for playing.
Bah! I'll end your Flimsy legacy; abort your every clone!
You ought to know: this little bastard's next up for the Iron throne,
But unlike Joffrey, once with my love, I'll be far less choking-prone,
For though the red-eyed one's against me here, I still am not alone…
Iron Queen Regina Ferrum:
Let me be Frank: a Storm's a-brewing, per this Iron Maiden's will:
A Beastly bitch, I've got your Number; Troopers, best Run to the Hills!
Wanna compare yourself to Khan? I'll make a Monkey out of you,
And you'll be never seen again, as it seemed I would post-debut,
But I'm a real-deal comeback queen there can be no impersonating;
Didn't come here to make fans: I'll need but one to douse your flaming!
Like Lien-Da, your resistance will blow right up in your face;
A padded cell will be your home as I usurp and take your place!
I wedded that Old Iron King, but I rule over more than Ash:
Have my own posse of dark brides; for you, each one of them's a match!
You'd better keep a Constant Vigil once I've started hatching plans:
My Reach is Endless; check my Conquests, forces Storming clashing clans!
I couldn't hold NICOLE's control? I'm glad: we cut our weakest lynx!
I got exiled? Need you be reminded what your species thinks?
What you found admirable in that brute's backstabbing is a mystery;
I'll show you what it truly means to be done in artistically!
Grand Admiral Thrawn:
Oh, quit your badgering; you're dumber than Natasi Daala,
And as queens go, you're about as threatening as Amidala!
You chose midget over minotaur? Well, love can be surprising;
Step to me, though, and your ass will see a second huge downsizing!
Bullcrap, as when you "returned" before! I won't abide being lied to:
Like Honoghr's "restoration", we'll be coming back to bite you!
Iron Queen Regina Ferrum: Don't you underestimate the sway my Magitek can grant;
Just ask the Freedom Fighters of my kingdom! Oh, that's right: you can't!
Grand Admiral Thrawn:
Listen, Maleficent: you're merely an interim enemy;
A temporary threat at best, fleeting in your relevancy.
I built a legacy! Intent on ending me tonight? That's rich;
I'll throw you down a well, ensuring that you suffer with my wish!
Sparing your life based on your youth was a mistake; beyond erroneous,
And you talk of taking my place, yet you failed to even notice
When your love was left to rot, swapped out for his own wack invention!
One need not be a Shinobi to get shit past your attention,
So if your Dominion's Iron, my Empire's Durasteel:
The Hand of Thrawn just bitch-smacked Regina Repulsa; left her sealed,
For my regime's unrivaled throughout this entire lame dimension!
?: Well, then, let me up the Anti with a lesson in Suppression!
Scourge the Hedgehog:
I'm a heartless hardass of a 'hog who's here to rattle you,
And who no other holds so much as a Shard of a Shadow to!
My deadbeat dad preached peace, the pussy, but you'll find I'm nothing like him;
Baby, fail to hail this king, and be reduced to nothing, like him!
I'm no faking poser, and I make my cohorts follow suit;
These battle scars you see? Authentic!
Patch: Aye… he speaks the awful truth!
Scourge: Conceived as but a Trek satire, I've since seen to our divergence;
Got more than a beard by which to be discerned from lesser versions!
Chaos flows through Scourge's person, making haters green with envy:
No Zone holds this multiversal menace long; no being can end me,
Nor can mutinies or parallel-plane prisons worse than Hell,
And once I claim the Beryl's power, know it's highly personnel.
Grand Admiral Thrawn:
Seeing, Snot-nose, as it's apparent you're a copycat-Bizarro,
Why don't you make like the O.G. did in Moore's Man of Tomorrow?
I need not research this uncultured cretin to get him reeling;
You'll take no pride in the scars sustained from what blows I'll be dealing.
Scourge the Hedgehog:
My breakout with the Destructix stuck it to those prim, snide cops,
And it reminds me of your final fate: both deals were Inside Jobs,
And that's no wingnut theory, yo; I ain't that kind of Anarchist!
Man, no one in your galaxy alive today could handle this!
…Then step into an even longer time ago in history,
And face a wartime Star equipped for Forging lyrics endlessly!
This time, it's I who gives the wake-up call: you're under an attack;
I've got the route to the destruction of this sucker fully-mapped,
No Rakatan relics required for this Knight to knock a knave!
Call me a Krayt; no tricks can trounce me once you've stepped inside my cave!
I saved the first Sith from the grave, expelled the darkness from my lover,
And took down an Empire built up by, spoiler alert: none other
Than myself, surpassing Anakin in plot twists and atonement,
While as character development goes, Teethree outdoes this rodent!
Like a twenty-one Pazaak roll, you'll go bust against me, fool;
While Malachor was sacrificed, I'll save the puny world you rule,
Freeing it as I did Star Wars' first lesbian from slavery,
And good luck trying to reclaim it: Revanchism's named for me!
Though Calo Nord came back for more, here, there won't be another round;
I've seen same-hued hedgehogs of greater worth in Sonic Underground!
Scourge the Hedgehog:
You should go now, Grey Warden Shepard: time has left you worse for 'Ware;
Like your exploits on Taris, your doomed efforts here ain't worth the care!
Watch this Archie cross-cosmos-Hopper hammer-smash your buddy Carth,
Bombardments blowing your mind worse than your own understudy Darth!
Once I take you to Trask, you'll last about as long as Ulgo, punk;
Your only friends in your whole wretched world sold you out for a skunk!
This Old Republican's no John McCain; the only hammer dropping
Is your skanky psycho girlfriend's mallet on your rotten noggin!
Scourge the Hedgehog:
You think Rosy is my love interest?! That's every bit as true
As the identity they tricked the player into giving you,
While I'm a different kind of "player" altogether with the ladies,
Though one foxy chick outshines the rest: come out and take it, baby…
It's Fiona, in the flesh for real; no wack automaton:
Nicking this track like Rouge's would-be steals, and that's a promise, son!
I'm coming at you with a mighty Bark, though don't look for a bite;
Why would I need the latter when the former's paired with Dynamite?
Left lost in my own world with naught, I now co-rule a new dimension;
Talk about a tale of immigrant success, and not to mention:
No princess is here to shut me up!
Sally Acorn: Well, actually, I-
Fiona Fox: Silence!
As the queen here, I'll be first to deal gut-punches, starting violence!
Best not bother if to bring me back to light is what you're after:
I'm beyond redemption, though I pulled a Shawshank on my captors!
Sonic had his chance to save me long before the darkness took me;
Now, I'm proud to be at Scourge's side, and it's true: we have cookies!
I blindsidingly betrayed like Terra did the Titans way back,
Though with my beast boy, I stayed, and now, for dissing him, it's Payback:
Your whole soul will split in two, erasing every memory;
As vicious to you with one verse as Vitiate's three centuries!
For loving this green brute, to be a monster is Fiona's fate,
But in contrast to Shrek, what these no-stars embody's death and hate!
If psychopathy turns on this degenerate and vile vixen,
Let me boot an old friend back up; demonstrate its definition…
Query: what the fuck did you just say about my owner, son?!
I'll have you know: my Jedi-purging prowess predates Order One!
I'm unit HK-47; battle-rapping is my mission:
No unwieldy superweapon, I take action with precision!
If a new droid army's what you covet, mine's the G0-T0 model;
It's the big one for this red fox when I come at her full-throttle,
And without the confrontation cut from uploads of this content, nary
A furball-meatbag's life functions left continued. Commentary:
Though repurchased for purposes of Tusken-translation,
I was made for raiding, specializing in assassination!
Statement: no bolt of restraint could stop my sick shit-spouting here;
My personality's prevailed through passage of four thousand years!
Releasing rapid rhymes like bullets from my namesake rifle's mags,
Awaiting master's signal to assault with more than verbal jabs,
This Hunter-Killer is High-King among mechanical emcees,
And miles past all rivals, while your Miles wrecked your regency!
Those bare-Bones bars don't faze me, Mister, and our victory is imminent:
We'll leave less of you than your plans for Sith Empire citizens!
Scourge the Hedgehog: With spitting as acidic as the Tomb of Naga Sadow,
Watch us make an HK jetpack and fly out of Revan's Shadow!
Mockery: you literally just announced your own retreat;
You call me bare-bones, yet you're more like douchebags for your lack of meat!
Darth Revan: Ask my apprentice how I treat smart-Aleks mouthing off to me;
They may have messed up my brain, but I'll give you both lobotomies!
My mind's come back from damage just as bad, so don't expect you'll stump me
Once this triple threat takes to the ring, and things get extra-Ugly!
I'm four fifths of Captain Planet with the powers that I harness:
Water, Earth and Wind, plus Fire, all combined, although I'm Heartless!
I won't fall back into Silence as my magic joins this war:
I'd no hand in its instigation, and discern no threat from yours!
Though it's not Sat A.M.'s third season, Moleman's fourth should do just fine:
I'll make you fear your very shadow as I catch you from behind!
Born out of flying into the sun like an Icarian inversion,
Now I'm knocking icky nig-nogs; it's my lyrical Resurgence!
No time-travelled intervention will avert my rise to dominance,
Crowned fairly by the populace; they revel in my opulence!
While much mystic manipulation brought my robo-rival's fall,
Assassinating this 'bot's character should take no tricks at all!
You're more than one-third bats if you'd attempt to fight this awesome mage;
It's no Smash tournament, but still I'll send you flying off the stage!
My dear apprentice knows too well the full extent of my dark influence,
And by the bones of Vale, I'll see yours shattered into crystal bits!
This ancient menace kickstarted the whole lore of a series:
There'd be no Robotnik otherwise; no conflict-source comes near me!
Three hundred sixty-five trillion sentient people…
Three hundred sixty-five trillion men, women and kids…
Three hundred sixty-five trillion lives lost to evil…
THAT'S how you measure all the shit my kind did!
…And if there's one to thank for starting up the whole campaign, it's me:
The vanguard of the Forceless force that harrowed Orders heinously!
I buried the Empire's Council, planted seeds of planet-feuds,
And for the days of Palpatine, inspired newfound gratitude,
Such was the magnitude of what intergalactic terror we wrought,
Just as the intent of this event-shaping Intendant had sought!
Now, reemerging from the shadows, scouting time is at an end,
As the Yuuzhan Vong rap-invasion fleet upon you now descends!
The eighth cortex contains more knowledge than your world entire's chances;
While you hide away in Voids, our ships traverse their vast expanses.
Piercing my crab-armor, think your giant lobster-claw can manage?
Try to find a weak point here, and get attacked for massive damage!
Escalating to the tops of charts, I'll tear you limb from limb
As I confront your lot head-on, no masquerades nor pseudonyms,
And here's an honest prophecy: it's this whole planet's transmutation;
Remade by my flows' sheer sickness via verbal Vongformation!
Sonic fought those who'd replace all living matter with machines,
But let's see how he fares against the polar-opposite extreme!
Bestowing blessed pain upon you, per my people's solemn creed,
I'm all-consuming on the mic like Grutchins, swarming; "Nom", indeed!
The voices in my head agree, for once, that yours is full of crap:
Your stupid ass got played by Ackbar, falling right into his trap!
My eldritch incantations, though, will take your further still Ebaq:
You weren't the big bad, even falsely; yo, get Kefka on this track!
I spit it hotter than our tripods, repping my gods; roasting rivals:
Though my spores were non-transmissible, this verse is going viral!
While I went down with my ship, you couldn't escape this if you tried,
For it's the end of your world as you know it when ours both collide!
You wanna bet? I've been around since take two of prehistory;
Seen it survive despite my reigns of terror and Ixis wizardry!
I'm top contender for Mobian multiversal Mastery;
A stone-age-borne immortal, here to Vandalize you Savagely!
The mammoth's in the room; I'll state the obvious soon as I enter:
Wage a war against your "Knights of Life" that's sure to be remembered!
As for jacking energies, I'm without equal: ask Dimitri;
Knuckles, too, knows well the deathly gravity of trying to cheat me.
I've got something on my chest, but what I'm saying won't relieve it;
As the Fearsome Foursome's single sire, I do as I see fit!
I just can't be kept encased, and no one walks all over me,
While lesser Ancients who would try get taught their lessons mortally!
Watch me force foes into submission even from a cell, imprisoned;
I'll bring Shame your goddess of a thousand eyes couldn't see forgiven!
You'll know pain that's Shaied away from by your species' sickest breeds;
This Executor faces execution by my rap-stampede!
Though Sekot's coming caught me by surprise, I truly do expect it
That your heresy won't take two hundred years to be regretted!
It's long-due extinction for this mastodonic hunk of fail
Who lost his "omnipotence" to that idiotic Hulked-out Tails!
I came back from that loss, one meant to leave me in eternal shambles,
Rising as Casino Kingpin; talk about a fruitful gamble!
While your jihads rage, I see the true True Way to victory,
Because I know no age; I'll just stay, waiting, 'til you're history!
…Then try somebody history forgot, and yet who's still here, kicking,
Cheshire smile grinning ear-to-ear and tendril-fingers flicking!
Let the last One be the last one claiming this song for her taking,
For with all the chaos wrought here, it's high time I reawakened!
I'm the grossest hostess with the most host bodies out there, squirming;
One bad Mother, now engaging in a different sort of Serving!
The Jedi won't be the only wizards meeting gruesome Fates;
King of New Mobotropolis? I'm the Galactic Chief of State!
Beyond all shadows of a doubt, I walk the highest mental plane;
An Abel who was able to out-evil her own family's Cain!
Call me "Beloved Queen of Bars" as I win over fans in scores;
Breathe life into these beats, all while consuming every ounce of yours!
I'll drive you mad, instilling fears of all your loved ones being replaced,
Then bring exactly that to pass, and soon, I'll come to wear your face;
And I bet you thought those automatons were cause enough for worry!
I out-gambitted the Sith; what threat is this Lost Tribe of Furries?
Who got Lovecraft in my Star Wars?! …Sonic's presence notwithstanding.
While you may have forced sides Light and Dark to work together, banding,
It'll take no dagger for my cutting words to do you in,
For I'm a monolith of power; yours is spread out far too thin!
Across millennia, my containment was the end to which they saw,
But no black hole's as vastly empty as what spews out from your Maw!
Your so-called worldly wisdom's naught next to what Knowledge I've absorbed:
I gaze into the future, seeing myself, throne-seated and adored!
Alas, nobody here is close to fit to be my Son or Daughter;
Let you drink from my cup? Nah; methinks I'll simply have you slaughtered!
Luke Skywalker at his strongest failed to stop this permanently;
I'm the ghastliest galactic geist! What possibly could end me?
No one in your galaxy, but look to one far, far away,
Or rather: one that yours is far, far away FROM, as I should say…
Hey Luke, try and bullseye this rodent: not your tepid blue opponent,
But a mouse about to snatch your galaxy up, out to own it!
It's a deal four billion dollars and theme park rides in the making:
No rebellion is undoing my empire's overtaking!
With the Lucas arcs and Arts at ends, I'll reignite their glory,
And the world will Marvel at a whole new breed of Star Wars Story:
With sequel-seeds sown, see speculation surging; oh, the mystery!
Luke Skywalker: But they've already documented our entire history…
Mickey Mouse: Boy, I don't give a human's ass! A god's with what you're dealing,
And your niece and son'd be wise about this, having a bad feeling;
With my property-gauntlet complete, there'll be no need for violence,
Making geeks cry out in terror as all apocrypha are silenced!
Jaina Solo: Grand Master Skywalker, I don't feel so good…
Princess Leia: What are you doing?!
Mickey Mouse: Bringing perfect balance to this cosmic canon through rebooting,
And removing more than half of all its convoluted lore,
Our substitution for that crap being what I brought this dude in for…
J. J. Abrams:
Prepare for awesomeness: this J. J. is a far cry from Binks,
Because I'm making Star Wars great again, and cutting weak links!
I'm about to bring this franchise back to life, unlike Emperor Sheev,
Armed with a master plan to rival that of Lost up my sleeve!
As with the other Star series, I'll reinvent it;
Your canon's just like the Jedi: it's time to end it!
Whoever follows all this stuff's got to be demented;
I mean, come on, really: Vader's secret apprentice?!
Your Old Republic-time lore? I straight-up reject it,
Even if BioWare still gets to document it!
My trilogy's sure to please the prequels' haters:
I'll bring in strong female leads, Stormtrooper-traitors,
And Kylo Ren, and I don't mean Stimpy's friend, bitch;
Watch me take off a bigger chunk of the E.U. than Brexit!
Change is at hand; the Death Star plans?
Yo, we've got a squad of martyrs, and Kyle ain't one!
Killing off Chewbacca? Well, that's a load of caca;
Instead, just watch the sole Solo child shank Han!
You see, I'm on a mission to fulfill Disney's vision;
If some books say it's impossible, my First Order of business
Is to nix that shit, rehash A New Hope's schtick,
And execute a great purge surpassing Sidious' Sixty-Six!
Don't fuck with me; I'll waste you worse than Gwen Christie,
'Cause your Legacy means less to me than Snoke's identity!
We contrived Leia to survive, even after Carrie died,
But following this so-called "Legends" crap? I'll never let it fly!
Sonic the Hedgehog:
Think you can slip a Mickey in past us? Well, you're intoxicated;
This is all-out verbal warfare; who are you to moderate it?
Mickey Mouse: "Moderate"? I'm here to take what's mine; don't bother facing me:
I screwed you over way back in my days of claiming A.B.C.s,
When my pristine programming shooed your schlock off One Saturday Morning,
Never to be aired again, while my monopoly was forming!
Sally Acorn: That was you?! My God, it all makes too much sense; I should have known this!
Mickey Mouse: Don't take personal offense; you were beneath my very notice,
For the day your show was cancelled, forcing you to go a new way,
May have changed your life forever, but for me, bitch, it was Tuesday!
Plus, it's old news anyway; what are you even gonna do?
Now, back to my new acolyte: I'll Luke Skywalk all over you!
Luke Skywalker: I won't surrender quietly!
Mickey Mouse: Well, that's persistence I can't permit;
In my timeline, you give up and live on as a haggard hermit,
Milking mammaries of animals like manatees in girth,
All while I'm annually milking this franchise for all it's worth!
How could George Lucas let this happen?!
Sally Acorn: Now you know just how I feel:
My lot's gone two decades dismissed by Sega; never held as "real"!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Yet, even Twenty-Five Years Later, still our comic's going strong!
?: Impressive, but watch as I prove every word of that sentence wrong!
How's it been going, Ogilvie? It's me, your good old uncle Kenny,
Back to retake my rightful property and make a pretty penny!
Once I start up, serving legal threats, they'd best not be ignored,
Because you'll find the wrath of Penders mightier than any sword!
You're looking at the shaper of the Mobius you know and love:
The planter of the seeds for family trees you're but components of!
I introduced the multiverse and Knux' entire heritage,
But find Flynn's flimsy writing with them in my absence meritless!
I've thus returned…
Sally Acorn: To write for us again?
Ken Penders: What; no: are you retarded?!
I'm reclaiming all those concepts, getting my own series started!
Knuckles: So… a spinoff?
Ken Penders: …With ties cut from Sega and Archie alike!
Julie-Su: Fanfiction, then?
Ken Penders: For profit!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Uh, dude: ever heard of copyright?
Ken Penders: Well, duh; why else would I be here, if not to sue for my creations?
Scourge the Hedgehog: …From a franchise in whose origins you'd no participation?!
Ken Penders: Yup, and that includes you too, Evil!
Scourge: Wait, what?!
Fiona Fox: Are you moronic?!
It was Ian who evolved him from a simple clone of Sonic!
Ken Penders: Shut up, bitch; I own you, too!
Bunnie Rabbot: You wrote her flesh and blood in, sure…
Rotor: The name, appearance and identity, though, stem from Gallagher!
Ken Penders: Whatever, fag; I'll see you all in court, and BioWare as well!
Darth Revan: …The fuck'd we do?!
Ken Penders: Brotherhood bit my Legion; anyone could tell!
NICOLE: Need I show you the laws of writing contracts of the licensed kind?
Ken Penders: Oh, just be thankful someone else has a firm claim on your design!
Man, I wrote some of your best stuff!
Antoine D'Coolette: …And the majority of our worst!
Dimitri: Now, you're just plain backstabbing us, to quote your use of Hitler's words!
Ken Penders: Well, mark my own: I'll settle this on my terms if it takes a decade;
Stop at nothing to ensure my tales of Lara-Su can get made!
Knuckles: That's my future daughter, dickhead; how can it be your intention
To use such a relative when I can't be so much as mentioned?!
Ken Penders: Age of Ultron got away with it, and plus: I've made some tweaks
To yield a father of my own construction, totally unique!
Ixis Naugus: Oh, let me guess, UkinoKen: you call him "Bluckles"?
Iron Queen: Hypocrite!
Snively Robotnik: You sued for obvious coincidence, and now you pull this shit?!
Ken Penders: Enough, from all of you naysayers who'd dare call me unoriginal!
Know you won't get to testify come hearing time; you're fictional! (*BEAM-UP!*)
I fear that something terrible's about to happen…
Sally Acorn: I'd say we have naught to fear but fear itself, from that wack rapping;
There's no chance he'll get away with this! Indeed, I doubt he'll come back;
The proof's surely in the papers from when they brought on that dumb hack!
Ken Penders: …But, as luck would have it, said contracts were nowhere to be found,
And now, for those who'd use my work, to terms of royalties they're bound!
Sonic the Hedgehog: So what's the cost, then?
Ken Penders: Oh, this doesn't fall to you; you have no say in it,
And as for the bigwigs in charge that do, they won't be paying it:
The preservation of the world you know ain't worth their cash,
So now, the plan's to simply shatter it and start over from scratch!
Production on my film pitch, co-opted from Ben Hurst, never set in,
But with what waves I've made, know this truly is your Armageddon!
What just happened; Julie?!
Ken Penders: Ho-ho, I'm afraid you'll find
In this remade reality, you've always been last of your kind!
Snively: My queen; where are you?!
Ken Penders: Gone.
Snively: But why?! You never even wrote her, Ken!
Ken Penders: Well, Julian, you see: to make sure this won't happen over again,
All characters of writers past are toast, from Strom's to Scott's to Bollers',
Leaving those not taken living in a shallow world of squalor!
Sally Acorn: You sick monster… Sonic, hold me…
Ken Penders: Best not cuddle in too close, though:
Sega's new rules say that romance for its mascots is a no-no!
Sonic the Hedgehog: I swear, on my mother's life, you bastard: you will pay for this!
Ken Penders: Ha; you call me that, yet your mandates say: no blood relationships!
Sonic the Hedgehog: This can't be fucking happening…
Ken Penders: Hey, don't be such a moping wreck:
Per policy, you have to keep your uglier emotions checked!
Come on: step it up, and accept that things will never be the same,
For your new status quo is playing it safe and referencing the games,
And so, with your whole series neutered and its drama out of focus,
I set off, victorious and unopposed, to make my opus! (*WARP!*)
…So, what do we do now?
Sally Acorn: There's not a Goddamn thing we can;
All we've been building up's come crashing down, thanks to a single man!
Antoine: So, then… what do we do now?
Sally Acorn: Dying's the first thing that comes to mind:
Perhaps I will fall on a saber of the laser-bladed kind;
Oh happy dagger, end my miserable existence…
Rotor: Sally, no!
NICOLE: If you do this, then Penders wins; is that how you want things to go?
Sally Acorn: Of course it's not, but he's already won! All we know's decimated;
What's left's not worth living for the love of!
?: Live, then, for your hatred.
…If it isn't my old nemesis: a 'bot I know and loathe.
I've heard your luck's changed for the better lately; show up here to gloat?
Mega Man: I came to say I'm sorry, Sally, for this was, in part, my doing;
Archie used me as a means to bring your reality's ruin:
"Plot-disrupting cheap crossover crisis" was the card they played,
And from out worlds' contrived collision, only mine emerged unscathed!
Sally Acorn: So what's your point? I thought you hated me.
Mega Man: You thought correctly, bitch,
But I would never wish what's happened, and thought you stronger than this:
You're a vindictive, vicious vixen, not some suiciding whore,
And I know well the pain of being lost as to what one's fighting for!
Ken wants your gloom to give way into senseless, self-inflicted violence;
Wanna spite him? Show you have the strength to live on in defiance.
Sally Acorn: …Oh, you're right, Rock!
Mega Man: Yeah, whatever…
Sally Acorn: I won't go out as a coward;
Carrying on despite what we've lost, I will do all in my power
To honor our former world, and to protect the vestige left!
For hate's sake, Penders, I spit at thee, but it's far from my last breath!
…And I'll be with you!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Flynn?!
Ian Flynn: Here before your semi-cyclopic eyes!
Sally Acorn: …And why should I trust in the Bumble who got me roboticized?
Ian Flynn: Hey, don't go thinking you'd've stayed that way forever per my plans;
I'd've resolved your ordeal awesomely, but never got the chance!
The same goes for St. John's possession, the Echidnas' fate and more;
I strove to bring this series back to what it was created for,
And I'm still here, picking up pieces of your fallen House of Cards,
While bringing in my own ideas for new tales, about to start,
'Cause I'm a writer who's in touch with fans, and won't turn out a traitor!
Antoine: So, what was your plan for my return?
Ian Flynn: Err… I can tell you later!
Sally Acorn: Well, it's sure better than nothing…
Ian Flynn: …And than Mighty Number Nine,
Whose basis, I'll admit, I put up to ensuring you'd be fine!
Call me the Adam to your Samus, like the other Other M;
For two decades, you built a cosmos with concepts from under Ken,
And you can do it all again when I take up head author's mantle:
There'll be no setback the world once known as Mobius can't-
Sega Logo: CAN-CELLED!
Ian Flynn: Oh… well, in that case, I'm off to I.D.W.,
For our new Sonic comic, featuring precisely none of you! (*BUZZ!*)
Okay… now, Penders has won.
Sonic the Hedgehog: Sal, I- (*SLAP!*)
Sally Acorn: Save your sympathy,
For you'll forget me soon enough; just let me die with dignity…
Ken Penders: …And, though it took some time to finalize, thus ends your fading 'verse,
With its successor's setting one and same with Sega's gaming works',
For first, I came for those among the cast I'd actually created;
Then, I came for all the storylines, but still I wasn't sated,
So I kept on coming: forced two hundred characters to split,
So when they came to axe the series, none who mattered gave a shit,
And now, there's nothing left for you!
Sally Acorn: You're right; there's no hope to hold onto,
But know: though this is how freedom dies, nobody will applaud you…
Mickey Mouse: …Jeffrey, why did I come here?
J. J. Abrams: To bring Star Wars into your business?
Mickey Mouse: Yes, and tell me, my apprentice: what the fuck have we just witnessed?
J. J. Abrams: Um… a universe's slow demise, all out of petty spite?
Mickey Mouse: …And is my own agenda being portrayed in that same fetid light?
J. J. Abrams: Well, you are Penders' parallel in this; make what you will of that…
Mickey Mouse: Then, in the name of Uncle Walt, the Mouse is gonna kill a rat!
Ken Penders: …Wait, what?! As franchise-ruiners, the both of us are true to form,
So don't pretend you're any less a monster; what have you to mourn?
Look, I'll admit I'm not the saint I'm painted as for little kiddies;
That I've trampled over scores for the empire that is Disney,
But for anything that I destroy, far more's built in its place,
And in the galaxy far, far away, there's no shortage of space:
You think I'll let that go to waste, you Goof, or that I'm unaware
Of the importance of world-building to space opera affairs?
Of course I know its worth; why else would it be labelled Legendary?
Having my own vision doesn't mean that it's all dead and buried,
But there's no way that we could've kept the books' lore to a T
While still producing all-new content within continuity,
And even had we gone the route of making direct adaptations,
Literature into movies isn't literal translation!
Obviously, there'll be need for changes from what's been established,
But that doesn't put the E.U.'s concepts on some sort of blacklist:
For reintroductions, I've been all ears as to the demands,
And open to green-lighting projects that do so with what they can!
Grand Admiral Thrawn: He isn't lying, you know!
Mickey Mouse: Check all the names renewed with guidebook-mentions;
Though not everything can fit back in, at least we're paying attention,
All while making sure our own stuff is internally consistent,
Quite unlike the prequels with the Clone Wars' earliest descriptions,
And as for those truly sacrificed, I do hope they're remembered,
Hence the "Jacen" we snuck into Rebels' ending for good measure!
Hell, I let them use that rabbit George himself could never stand,
And all within a mere few years, saying nothing of our future plans!
Even were all the Legends stories straight-ignored, without a trace left,
Still we'd make sure to put decent effort into their replacements,
While your sordid Sonichu abomination work is worthless;
In the time we've put four films out, not one volume of it's surfaced!
Holding those new films as decent's where your argument's mistake lies;
Canto Bight's plot was a gamble, where you plainly rolled a snake eyes,
And on the subject of Dice, that Battlefront is a disgrace!
I spit it Rotten, like some audience-Tomatoes in your face!
You're dissing how I've handled things? That's no mere case of pot and kettle;
More like some peg-legged used car salesman being called out by the Devil!
While I may not value common folk, I value folks that do,
So hear out someone who speaks from a level far more close to you…
J. J. Abrams: Look: there's no question that my master's an unfettered businessman,
And that with fandom, there are things you can't expect he'll understand,
But as a down-to-Earth creator, never mind my subject matter,
How you cannibalized canon disgusts me, you smug backstabber!
The unique world you helped make and how it flourished were miraculous;
No execs on your backs demanding it be Sega-accurate.
Your actions brought all that down, as you knew damn well they would,
When for your cast, spirit-successors could've served you just as good!
We butchered lore for stories of the topmost cinematic shelf;
You butchered lore for stories wanted by nobody but yourself!
Indeed, I've seen the stuff you've teased from this alleged book of yours,
With artwork whose sheer hideousness no lens flaring could obscure:
The whole thing's been doomed from conception; that much, no one is disputing,
While my haters should just wait and see my trilogy's conclusion!
It's hardly a mystery; one needn't think outside the box
To know exactly what's in store as we'll be knocking off your block!
Ken Penders: Well… I'll sue you!
Mickey Mouse: Ha-ha; go right ahead: the Mouse-House always wins!
Though The Clone Wars is coming back, no fan-campaign will save your skin,
Not that this pain has any fans! I'll serve his head upon a platter:
"He killed Kenny;" they'll all say, "I guess he isn't such a bastard."
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES… SEASON 4!