43CHAPTER 1
"You will not heal by going back to what broke you."
Vinedale elementary was undoubtedly one of the biggest schools in California. Being well known for its academic strength as well as its diversity, it stood as the perfect option for Harry Haddock's five-year-old daughter, Zia. It had a very good infrastructure in terms of building and supporting facilities and various extracurricular activities to improve the distinct skills of the students. Once again, he pulled up to the driveway at the front yard of the school like he did every other afternoon excluding the weekends. Pulling his gear to a final stop, he took a quick glance at his wristwatch.
2:30 pm.
He had less than an hour to be back in his office for his proposed business meeting with some investors this afternoon but had insisted on rushing out to pick up his daughter from school. Tuna Canyon Rd was a fair distance from both his home and office making it less of a sacrifice on the part of his work. Although his mother had insisted on him getting a driver for the job, or the school bus like most of the other kids, he had insisted on it.
Running a multinational company had left him with little or no time for his daughter. He often drove her to school every morning but returned hours past her bedtime. He had then decided to scratch out time within his schedule to also get her back from school, that way, he could spend some time with her. He was sure going to be late for that meeting but wasn't going to rush his time with her, besides, he'd sorted things at the office to an extent before getting here, so they could wait a few extra minutes. He was just in time to the end of Zia's school for the day, not breaking the record he held for always being on time.
Slipping out of his seat belt, he pulled the interior door handle and stepped out of the car. The driveway was pretty full with cars, parents waiting for their kids and school buses at close corners, with third to fifth graders filing in. Pressing onto the middle section of the key to lock the doors of his Tesla S model, he placed it down the pockets of his jacket and walked towards the main entry into the building, down to the kindergarten section.
He'd been so eager to see her again right after he dropped her off this morning, the source of his strength, the reason he kept on going every single day. She was right at her usual spot, at the door of her classroom where she always waited impatiently for his arrival. Catching onto his gaze, she immediately jumped cheerfully, the long pigtails his mother had put up this morning, a lot messier than before. He pushed the door open, careful not to knock her over before wrapping his arms around her, lifting her up into his arms.
"Daddy." She repeated with the same smile that had pulled him towards her mother ten years ago.
He placed a long kiss on her cheek. "Hi Baby, how was school today?"
"Good. Nana said you weren't coming today. She said you were busy."
"Well I can't be too busy for you, can I?."
"Good day, Mr. Haddock ."
''I'm sorry I had to walk up to get her again."
"Well, she'd been standing here for a while now, so it's good you came." , Zia's school teacher for the past school year replied, passing her bag pack and lunch pack.
"Hope she behaved well today."
"Of course she did. Your daughter is a Sweetheart. I've got a little homework she has to complete, you can help her through that."
Well, he could if he came home earlier tonight. It didn't matter how hard he worked in the day time to get things done before time, something always popped up to keep him longer than his planned time. Helping her with homework was something he only had the chance to do during the weekends, his mother usually helped on weekdays.
"Definitely."
"Bye Zia!" A bunch of her friends echoed from a corner of the classroom and she waved in return, towards their direction.
"Are you still going back to work, daddy?" Zia asked right after they both left the classroom.
"Of course honey, You know daddy has to work every day of the week, right?"
"I know. Madison's dad also works every day of the week too."
Harry snorted, pushing loose strands of her hair backward. "She told you that?"
"Yeah, her mum comes to pick her up from school."
Harry swallowed, struck by her statement and searching for a reply to change the direction of the conversation. "And I'm always here to pick you up. So, what should I get you on the way home?"
"Can I get a chocolate shake, Dad?"
"Absolutely. Whatever my princess wants, she gets."
She giggled in response, her beautiful blue eyes lit in so much joy, he tried to feed on. He headed towards his car as the sensors detected the key within its range, and extended the door upward. He placed her bag packs on the seat before securing her in the car seat. Closing the car door, he slid into the driver's seat and pulled his seat belt across him.
"So what did you learn today, Zia?" Henry pulled out a small pack of chocolate he'd picked up from the pantry earlier this morning and gave it to her.
"A lot. We learned about our senses today."
"How many senses do you have?" He pulled out of the driveway into the main street.
"Five, daddy. I have my eyes, my ears, my nose, my tongue, and my skin."
"And what do they do in our bodies?"
"I use my eyes to see, my nose to smell, my ears to hear, my tongue to taste, my skin to feel to touch and feel."
"And what are they called?"
"Huh? Senses, Daddy. I said Senses."
"They are your sense..."
"Oh...Organs. My sense organs!"
"That's my girl, so what else did you learn?"
"We started learning about butterflies too."
"What about butterflies?"
"Their life cycle, from when it's born till when it dies."
"Did you learn about the cycles?"
"Not yet...Miss Jeanie said we are gonna learn that tomorrow."
"Alright, I'm gonna ask you about it tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay, Dad."
"You listened to Miss Jeanie today. I'm really proud of you honey."
"I'm proud of you too." She laughed out so heartily that Henry didn't hold back from joining in.
"Really? You're proud of me?"
"Yeah, you're the best Dad ever, so I'm proud of you."
Harry turned backward giving her a full smile, before moving his focus back to the road. It was all her. The reason why healing was possible from the loss of her mother, it was because of her that life still had some sort of meaning and purpose.
"Where do you want your milkshake from?"
"Chocolate shake, Duncan donuts!"
"Not McDonald's this time?"
"Duncan donuts is much better."
Harry laughed again. "Alright, but you used to be a loyal customer."
"Not anymore, Dad."
"Well, Duncan donuts it is."
He pulled up to the closest drive-thru and ordered a small size shake for Zia before turning into the highway. Within a few minutes, he was home, driving down the driveway of his home before coming to a stop at the front porch where his mother, Vanessa Haddock was seated, waiting for their return.
"Hi, Mum!" Henry stepped out opening the back door as his mother walked down the steps towards them.
"Harry dear, how was work today?"
"Great." He gave her a quick kiss on her cheek. "Are you feeling better mum?"
"Well, better than yesterday."
"Nana!"
"Hey, Zia. How was school today? Look, you messed up your pigtails again."
"Sorry, Nana."
"She plays a lot, Mum." Harry unstrapped her from her car seat, lifting her out of the car.
"I do not daddy."
"Yes, you do. Miss Jeanie already told me about it." He brushed strands of her brunette hair backward. "I'll see you tonight, okay?"
"Tomorrow. I never get to see you at night."
"Well, who knows? You just might today."
"Should I wait for you to come home, daddy?"
"No, you shouldn't be up past your bedtime, okay?" He gave her to his mother who settled her on her right hip.
"Okay."
"Don't stress yourself too much Son."
"I know mum."
"And don't stay out late, try to make an effort to come home early for once."
"I would try to. Mum, she has some homework that needs to..."
"Go back to work Harry! The earlier you get there, the earlier you'd get back."
"Alright, Bye Princess, be a good girl for Nana okay?"
"I will Daddy."
"Oh my gosh, Astrid! He actually asked me out!"
"Really? He did? It's been like how long? Three days?" Astrid poured the dices of chopped strawberries into the little bowl on the high-chair of her three-year-old son.
"You guys just literally started chatting, right?"
"Thank you, mummy."
She kissed the tip of his nose before turning to the direction of her best friend seated at the computer, completely engrossed in the online dating website she'd joined a few days ago. How could she have even landed a date with a few chats and with a guy she hadn't even met? Heather was the free-spirited type, she was self-assured, confident and focused on her career. Although she'd been in a bunch of unsuccessful relationships in the past, they never tied her down or closed her doors to new opportunities of finding true love.
They had a lot of similarities in personality, but Astrid had a much different approach to love. Unlike Heather, she believed in long-lasting friendships and trust before getting into relationships even if she had never been lucky with love. It was all about giving and being on the losing end and she was completely done with that. While she had problems declining the offers and advances of guys towards her, Heather always in search of them, at work, at malls and now this stupid dating website? How could she be so open to guys she hadn't even met?
"Does it matter? I mean, have you seen his profile?"
"No, What does it say?"
"Harry Haddock, a thirty-year-old CEO of some company, and a widower with a little daughter, so I have to aim at impressing not just him, but...oh no no no..."
"Why? Because he has a daughter? What's wrong with that?"
"I don't know, I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of complication in my life right now."
"But what is so complicated about that? I mean, single fathers also deserve to find love again, right?"
"Astrid..."
"Just give him a chance Heather...I mean, are you really gonna turn him down because he has a daughter?"
"Well...there are other options too."
Astrid rolled her eyes. "Now that doesn't seem fair, does it?."
"Mummy, more strawberries."
"You want more of that?"
"Yeah."
"Alright. I'll get more, okay?"
"Okay."
"I mean, what if I never match up to what he had with his past relationship?" Astrid pulled the fridge open, taking out a new pack of strawberries.
"It's all in your head girl. I mean, you don't have to compare or compete. If he wants a new partner, he should be open to the differences of a new relationship."
"Alright. I'll go on a date with him for a night and get to know him, then I'll decide if it's something I can deal with. I really want a drama free life."
"Says the girl who stirs up drama in relationships for the fun of it."
"This is different Astrid. We are talking about a kid here."
"Go on the date with him first...who knows? There might be a reason why you met him on this website and besides...he's been married before, right? You can be sure he has experience with commitment, It's something you really need to work on Heather."
"Alright, Alright! There...I agreed to a date with him on Saturday."
"Good." Astrid poured another set of chopped strawberries in her son's bowl. "You really love these, don't you?"
"They are really good, mummy."
"I'll get you a lot more for you tomorrow, okay?"
"So, what did the doctor say about Neil's medication?"
"Well I was able to get a part of it and so far, he's responding, he's eating well now at least."
"Neil, do you want anything else?" Heather moved from where she was seated at the study corner towards Astrid at the dining table.
"Strawberries."
"More strawberries? But you've had enough already. Do you know what a lot of strawberries can do to little boys? You want to know, huh?" Heather teased, rubbing her fingers on his sides, making the little boy laugh out heartily.
"You really want to know? huh?"
"No!" The toddler crackled, struggling to break out of her tease.
"Please stop, he's going to run out of breath."
"I'm sorry, I forgot. I'm really glad about the big improvement in his health and he seems to be breathing a lot better now."
"Yeah, and his cough has subsided a lot too. Hopefully, his recovery would be long-lasting. I really want him to be able to go to school like other kids when he's a little older. I just don't want him to be deprived of anything."
"He wouldn't be, trust me. This kid is really strong, I mean, he is your son and you both are fighters so I don't doubt his full recovery one bit."
Astrid smiled. "I just have to get a good job now that he's out of the hospital for a long while. I'm not sure they'd want me back at my previous one, knowing the condition of my son anyway."
"I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to get a new one, but you don't have to worry about the bills, I can handle that. You just have to look after your son. This is your chance to bond with him."
"I know that, but my Dad has done a lot already Heather. I can't rely on him to take care of my son forever. I have to step up and take that responsibility."
"I get your point. Don't worry about it. I'll search for vacancies at my workplace. I'm a hundred percent assertive that we'll find one."
"I really hope so."
"You should get him to the ventilator." Heather sprang up when Neil began coughing, an act that always seemed terrifying as it stood as a symptom of a possible lung infection. Astrid lifted him out of the high chair, patting his back gently while cradling him in her arms. She felt caged again within the walls of this threatening disease that sometimes dared to take away the life of her son.
To most people, coughing seemed pretty much usual, but not to her three-year-old son, a victim of Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia. Children were born with healthy and perfectly functioning organs from birth, but it wasn't the case with her son.
Being born prematurely, he hadn't been given the time needed for the full development of his respiratory organs and had been unable to take in oxygen. As a result of this, he had been on mechanical ventilation and oxygen therapy for acute respiratory distress. Neil had been born only twenty-five weeks into her pregnancy and spent a lot more time in incubators and oxygen masks than most premature babies.
These therapies caused serious damages and infections to his lungs and had also slowed down its development, causing major respiratory problems. His case had been severe to the point of spending almost three years of his life in the hospital trying to cure the damages. It had been three whole years of Astrid watching him go through all that, endlessly praying and hoping for permanent healing.
"Can you set it up please?"
"Definitely. Come on!"
Astrid rushed behind Heather in panic when his cough got more intense, shutting her eyes as she held him tightly. "It's okay, sweetheart. You'll be okay."
Heather turned on the ventilator after setting it up and they both put the tracheal tube in place. Neil hated this experience, watching him whimper as he was linked to the machine brought tears to Astrid's eyes. Although his cough subsided almost instantly and breathing rate back to normal, it hurt to see him have to go through all this to breathe in the same manner that people do with ease.
"But we just got out of the hospital, I thought things were going to be okay for a while." Astrid broke into a sob. She had hoped he would get a break from this, the doctors had assured her of that anyway.
"It's not intense at all, besides he's been out of this machine for five days now, it's a lot of progress."
"What am I gonna do? Can I still get a job with him like this?"
"It's okay, we'll figure it out. Hold it in, Astrid, Neil is watching you."
"Mummy."
Astrid wiped the tears beneath her eyes and planted a long kiss on her son's forehead, still cradling him in her hands. "I'm here honey, I'm here. You're not going back there, Neil. You're not going back to the hospital, I promise."
"Hey, Mum."
"Oh, Harry. You came home pretty earlier than I expected."
"Well...I just wanted to catch up with Zia before her bedtime, for once at least." Harry placed a kiss on her cheek before setting his leather bag temporarily on the armed cushion in a corner of his mother's room. "I still missed it, didn't I?"
"Yeah, you did." His mother replied, still not looking up from the computer she'd seemed to have so much interest in recently. "You're actually just thirty minutes past her bedtime. It kinda beats your other records."
"Thanks for pointing out the obvious mum. I'm trying, things haven't been easy at the office lately."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm trying to...It's just that my secretary is on full maternity leave and I get it, but the timing seems so wrong. I had to order for the recruitment of temporary staff and it hasn't been going so well."
"Be patient Harry. I'm sure the stress is from the pretty high standards you set up for recruits. You're definitely your father's son."
Harry smirked, leaning over the desk to the screen of the monitor. "Wait, mum. Is that...a dating website?!"
"You mean you just noticed that?"
"What are you doing on a dating website? You're not planning on getting married again, are you?"
"Of course not silly. It's for you Harry, I think it's time I start taking the actions you should have taken."
"Are you kidding me, mum? Did you open up a profile on a dating website for me? This is the line mum, I mean...what the hell?!"
"You told me you would date again when you were ready to."
"Exactly, I did. When I am ready to...I am still not ready for that mum!"
"It's been three years Harry. Three whole years of watching you empty and miserable. Don't you think its time to move on?!"
"Even if I decide to move on mum, It should be my decision. You can't just invade my life this way...Come on!"
"I wasn't going to Harry..." She pulled out a pink colored paper that looked like it'd been torn out of one of Zia's notebooks and handed it to him. "Not until I saw this."
Harry took the paper and shook his head in disbelief before reading its contents. He stood dumbfounded, after reading the paper and glanced at his mother in shock.
"Zia...wrote this?"
"Yes Harry, she did. I found it in under her pillow three days ago and it brought me to tears."
Harry sighed. He'd been trying his best, he really had. The death of his wife, Camilla, had been a traumatizing blow to their family. It had been a lot harder a few years ago where he had to deal with Zia's constant search and cries for her mother. She was just a toddler then and it wasn't something he could explain or make her feel better about. More than three years had passed since then and she'd grown older to understand her mum was really never coming back, but never seemed to show any emotion or even talk about it.
Zia had never for one day asked about her mother and if the topic was ever brought up, it was because he mentioned it. During their visits to the cemetery, she often cried, but seemed to be silent, quite abnormal for a child her age. Harry hadn't really put a lot of thought to it, he'd even assumed the reason to be his rewarded effort in playing a double parental role in her life to make her pretty comfortable with a single parent. He'd also thought his mother filled in the shoes of being a mother to her so perfectly that she wouldn't have to feel any void, but he was wrong. He'd been wrong all along.
Zia was hurting and he could only see a fraction of her pain on this sheet of paper.
"She's never said anything about this. I've never expected her to want a new mum."
"Zia is Cami, Harry. They wouldn't talk about their pain. She probably feels that you don't want her to have a new mum."
"But mum...You're always here for her and..."
"Harry, I will definitely be here for my grand-daughter, but I can't be around forever. Yes, she has a lot of love from us and from her friends, but she knows that you are lonely, Harry. She has told me she caught you crying at Camilla's pictures a couple of times. Maybe she might not need a new mum, but she knows you need a new partner."
"I don't, mum."
"Harry, you deserve to be happy again. You can't keep holding onto the past. Do it for Zia at least."
"Fine mum, if we are talking about a new mother for Zia, do you think a dating website is a solution? You put up my occupation, right? It would just be a bunch of girls for the wrong reasons."
"Don't say that Harry. There are also real and lovely girls out there too."
"Not the ones on dating websites! I'm not just a guy, mum. I'm a single father, girls don't want that excess baggage."
"Harry, you're being paranoid and it's because you haven't decided to open up to the chance of love again. I am your mother and it hurts me every day to see you like this."
"Mum, Dad passed away too and you're coping just fine."
"My situation is different, Harry. You were much older than Zia when your father passed away. You were matured enough to cope with the situation then, She's too young for that."
"What if getting married again doesn't solve the problem? What if she wouldn't love my daughter? What would be the point of that?"
"If you marry the right girl Harry, that would never be a problem. You just have to take one step towards it."
Harry ran his fingers through his thick auburn hair, sinking into the armed chair his bag was once on and sighing in frustration.
"Alright. I'll do it. I'll try the website."
"That wouldn't be necessary son, I already set up a date for you this Saturday."
"What?! Okay, mum, that's just too far!"
"You never would have done it if it was just up to you and you know that."
"That doesn't justify that. Who is she? What exactly did you say to her that she couldn't figure out she was chatting with an old lady!"
"Now that's rude, you seem to forget that I was the reason you and Cami got together in the first place."
"It doesn't give you the pass to set up the second!"
"Alright! I'm sorry, but she agreed to it so you just have to go along with it."
"Mum, turn it down. Come up with an excuse! I can't go on a date with her until I've had a real chat with her."
"Harry, why are you so stubborn? Go out with this girl and decide if you want to keep up the relationship or not. It wouldn't affect you in any way."
Harry rolled his eyes and sprang up in total disbelief of this whole situation. "You know my weekends are dedicated to spending time with Zia."
"Just this once, I'm sure she'll understand. Please Harry, just do this for me."
"Alright. I'll go on the date with..."
"Heather Bowman."
"I'll go on the date with Heather Bowman, but mum, you need to stop. I'll take it from here." He took the mouse from her and closed the internet tabs.
"As long as you promise to keep up with it until you find the right girl."
"I promise, are you satisfied?"
"I'll send you her number and you need to go through the chats I had with her, she's quite the talker."
"Gosh, you never cease to amaze me, mum, you're unbelievable."
"Are you going to see Zia, She went to sleep about an hour ago after we completed her homework."
"Yeah, was she able to complete it?"
"I just told you we did, didn't I? She tried waiting for you, but I insisted."
"Thanks, mum. I really don't know what I would do without you."
"You would get her a new mum."
Harry threw his bag across his shoulders, heading for the door. "We are working on that, right? Goodnight mum!"
"You're not going to have dinner?"
"I already had something at work today, I'm good."
"You really need to stop doing that, I put a lot of effort into making your dinner."
"I appreciate your efforts mum and I would stop having dinner at work, I promise."
"Goodnight, I love you."
"I love you too mum."
Harry closed the door to his mother's bedroom behind him and took one more glance at the pink paper in his grip. Even if the writing was wavered and scrunched, the message was so clear. She wanted a new mother for Christmas in her letter to Santa Clause. He bit his lower lip wondering how he'd been so blind to this for this long and why Zia had never told him about this for once. He walked down the hallway towards her bedroom which wasn't too far from his mother's.
Turning the doorknob slowly, he pushed it gently to avoid waking her from her sleep. The room was dark with the colorful night lights on the ceiling glowing beautifully above her. He switched on the light and his heart dropped when he saw her curled at one edge of the bed, holding on to her teddy bear. It was the exact one Camilla had gotten her for her second birthday, the one that grew to be her favorite of all her toys. Harry walked further towards her bed, sitting gently on the right side.
He leaned over her, watching her as he pushed her wild auburn hair away from her face, the only physical trait she'd inherited from him, being the spitting image of her mother. He stroked the sides of her face, going over his mother's previous words. Harry had never given a thought to that idea not just because he didn't see a need for that, but also from the fear of taking a new wife to his daughter's detriment. He'd lost his wife Camilla Jensen Haddock to cancer and a lot had changed about his life ever since.
Apart from being a single father, he'd learn to live with a lot, to live with the pain, the void she'd left and the hope that was lost. All he'd wanted was a full and happy life with Camilla from the day he'd proposed to her. He remembered vividly on their graduation, he'd taken her to watch the sunset, their favorite thing to do every day of summer. They'd just sit in silence enjoying each other's company, trying to predict what the future had in store for them and how much they wanted to be a part of each other's lives.
It was when he proposed, when she least expected it, thinking he was the type of guy that was afraid of commitments even if they'd been dating long before then. He had been scared, but from the insecurity that she might not have been sure about taking that next step. Contrary to his expectations, she'd accepted his proposal with so much joy that he'd realized she'd been wanting that a long time before. Camilla was an amazing woman. She had been an amazing friend, an amazing mother to Zia, even if she'd only been given two years to prove it.
Zia stirred for a while and Harry stroked her hair till she was back to sleep. He kissed her forehead, pulling the blanket up to her shoulders and tucking her in.
"Goodnight, Zia."
His mother was right, maybe it was time to give love another chance and Zia a chance to happiness again. He was going to go on that date, whatever would come out of it, he hoped that it would be one step to healing for his family. All he needed to do right now, was to learn to let go.
"I love you, Daddy," Zia mumbled in her sleep. Harry smiled, no matter how often she did that, it still had the same effect on him, the way she seemed to be aware of his presence even in her sleep.
"I love you too, Sweetheart."