43Chapter 14
'The scariest thing is when your past haunts you, not in memory, but in person.'
~Scribbles of the soul.
'Let's make this journey last forever...I am yours as long as you want me to.'
'I love you, Stanley. I promise to be yours forever.'
'Marry me. I know we might have had a rough beginning, but let's write our own happy ending...together.'
'Yes, Stanley...I will marry you.'
Lies.
Broken promises.
Deception.
And she'd said yes.
Astrid Hofferson had always prepared her words for the day she would meet her ex-fiance again, and after four years of his absence, she'd gathered a whole lot to say. She hadn't given much thought to the pain and anger that would arise from their reunion, after all, she was Astrid, and had vowed never to let him break her the second time. She'd thought that meeting him would be a lot easier, now that her heart was closed towards him, but it still wasn't.
His appearance hadn't changed in the past four years. He was still quite tall and muscular, with prominent cheekbones and a well-defined chin and nose. His eyes were like a knife in her ribs, the sharp point digging deeper. Where there had been love was an emptiness, but not in any vulnerable sense. Uncomfortable with the void, she had now filled it with an emotion she was more at ease with, raw anger. She had every right to be angry, to be in a rage. She just couldn't believe how he somehow found his way back into her life, and she'd thought that meeting Harry again was coincidental enough.
Harry's case was a lot different. She didn't want Stanley back, she may have wished on it a few times in the past, but not after she met Harry. Harry had given her the healing she needed, and she never wanted to return to the cause of her wounds and bruises. Neil didn't need him either, Harry had been more of a father to him, even after knowing him for just a few months. She needed Stanley to know that she didn't need him! She'd been coping just fine without him! That she'd taken off his engagement ring, and had found love again...a love that he could never measure up to.
He started taking steps towards her, and she impulsively took steps back. The nerve of him to think that she would ever let him get this close to her. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she didn't want to let them down. She didn't want to let him see them, he didn't deserve to see them. The last thing she wanted was for Stanley to see her pain, to see how much he'd destroyed her, and how long and difficult it was for her to pick the pieces, and build herself again. He didn't even deserve her anger or hate, because looking at him now, she felt more anger towards herself, hating herself for letting him hurt her that much, and almost ruin the life of their son.
She didn't want to be around him either, because his presence made her hate herself even more for all the tears, the pain, the alcohol, and foolish decisions she'd made in the past for his sake. He wasn't worth the heartbreak and realizing that hurt her even more than his presence did. She raced out of Harry's office before he could get any closer to her, but it didn't stop him from following her as she'd expected.
"Astrid!" She heard him call right after she grabbed her purse from her work desk, rushing down the hallway, ignoring the glances from the employees at their work stations. She was able to make it to the elevator before he did, cleaning off the tears that already streamed down the corners of her eyes. She was going to explain her sudden exit from the office to Harry, but for now, she needed to be away from here and needed time to put her thoughts together. She needed time to process the fact that Stanley was back, that Neil's father was back.
All she could think about was her son. Neil had questioned her once about his father, and had always seen Harry as a father figure in his life, and now? Stanley didn't also deserve that spot in his life. She didn't want him to be a part of her son's life, as much as she didn't want him to be a part of her life. She got out of the elevator at the ground floor, dashing down the hallway towards the exit, but also noticing that Stanley had somehow made it down too and was right at her heels. Did he use the stairs? Why couldn't he just stop running after her? She didn't want to face him, she didn't want to talk to him! Why couldn't he just understand that?!
She kept running towards the parking lot, her mind too occupied to even remember where she'd parked her car a few minutes ago. She needed to find her car before Stanley could catch up with her.
"Astrid! Please, wait!"
She still didn't look back, but finally spotted her car, heading towards it before she felt a soft grip on her wrist, stopping her from going further. Anger burned so bad like fire lacing through her veins and creeping up her spine, and in reflex to Stanley's touch, she gave him a sounding slap on his cheek, only realizing her action after she did.
"Don't you ever in your life, lay your hands on me again!"
The tone of her voice and intensity of her rage was a shock both to Stanley and to herself. All she could feel was desire; desire to hate. Astrid was intoxicated with emotion she had no intention of ever feeling, the acidity of it was residing in her stomach waiting to be spat out of her mouth in foul and vulgar words she would be justified for saying, except she wasn't going to say them because again, he wasn't worth the energy.
Stanley fell silent, his eyes widened and staring at her in shock like he didn't understand that he deserved far worse than just a slap. It was why she'd been trying to get away from him, while she still had the self-control to hold back.
"Astrid." He didn't seem to mind her anger or the fact that she was ready to beat him up just to get away from him, he still somehow gathered the courage to block her path, pleading for her attention and time.
"Go ahead, hurt me as much as you want. Hit me as hard as you can...I deserve it."
"Get the hell out of my way, Stanley!"
"Please, just a few minutes, Astrid. I'm begging you, please...there's a lot I need to say to you, a lot I owe you and a lot of pain I caused you. Please...I need a few minutes to make things right."
Her rage held all the power of a wildfire and she could tell that it frightened him, you could practically see the flames roaring in her eyes, ready to ignite anything that she came in contact with. A few minutes? Did this douchebag really think that he could set anything right, let alone do it in a few fucking minutes?! She really didn't want to have this conversation right now, and every second she'd spent listening to him fuelled her anger even more. She pushed her hair backwards, giving still him the chance to milk out the last of her patience before she snapped.
"Alright...go ahead, but keep this in mind. You have only two minutes of my time...just two minutes and if you don't let me be on my way after that, I swear I'm calling the police."
"As long as I have your full attention...please."
"Three seconds down...you've got a minute and fifty-seven seconds left."
"Astrid…" He stepped forward towards her again and she stepped back. She couldn't care less about his emotions and she wasn't holding back from letting him know how disgusted she was to be in his presence.
"Don't come closer, don't touch me, just say whatever you want and let me go."
"I...I uh...I don't even know where to begin. I don't also have the words to say to you…"
"Great, that sounds good, can I leave now?"
"I hurt you so much. Just saying sorry to you would be meaningless, it wouldn't fix the heartbreak I caused you. I'd met you already broken when you'd shut your doors to the world...towards loving again. I'd given you reasons to open up, but walked away when you finally did." She'd promised to give him her attention for two minutes but didn't realize that she'd be on the receiving end. Tears filled up her eyes and the anger she'd been holding up, dissolved into pain, into the same heartache she hadn't felt since she met Harry again.
"I wasn't perfect even while we were together either. I claimed to teach you how to love again when I hadn't understood what it meant to love. You opened up to me, you trusted me even when I gave you numerous reasons to doubt me. You believed in a better version of me, even if you never got it. You're the one who got bruised holding on, but I was the one that chose to walk away. You had chosen to spend the rest of your life..."
"Enough!"
"One minute more, Astrid. You'd given me two minutes, right? Please, just one more minute and I'll…"
Another touch from him resulted in the same reaction like the previous time. She really didn't want to hurt him, and it was the reason she'd told him to leave her alone.
"One minute, Stanley?! You think you can just ramble on for a minute and make everything, okay? Do you even understand the gravity of what you did to me four years ago?!"
"That's why I need to talk to you, Astrid...I know I…"
"Why, Stanley?" She asked softly, breaking down out of her own will. "Was I that difficult to love? Did you despise me that much?"
"What? No, no of course not. I loved you, Astrid. I really did love you."
"You never loved me! You don't lie to the people you love. You don't destroy the people you love!"
"I understand your anger towards me, and I have no excuse...I deserve…"
"I'm not angry, Stanley! I'm in pain! and you are the cause of it!"
"I didn't mean to leave you...I just had no other option." He began stuttering. "I...I can't explain the events of that bachelor party, but it was an accident. A lot of things happened that night and…"
Astrid's hands flew to her mouth, eyes widening in shock as more tears streamed down her eyes. "You'd cheated on me, Stanley? Again?"
"I...I...I had a lot to drink with the boys that night, and I wasn't myself. I swear I didn't mean to hurt you, but I was just too ashamed to face you."
Astrid held her head with both hands in disbelief, biting her lower lip so hard she could taste blood. She'd always wanted to know the reason why Stanley had left, and it made her believe that she was flawed because he chose to take her love for granted. She'd been a fool all along, a fool for all those sleepless nights and tears that soaked her pillow, a fool for thinking that she would be the force that would change Stanley's lifestyle and not letting go when she'd seen the red flags.
He'd cheated on her a lot of times in the past, but she'd made up excuses for him at every mistake. She'd fallen in love blindly and became a slave and victim of love. Heather had told her she was addicted and had warned her over her obsession with Stanley, and how he always found a way to win her forgiveness even after hurting her countless times. It all seemed clearer to her now and she felt so ashamed. Was she that desperate for love? How could she have been so blind? She really hadn't realized her worth, she accepted the love she thought she deserved and received the pain that went along with it.
"Oh my gosh, I can't believe this."
"I messed up really bad, I know...that's why I was so ashamed of myself, I couldn't face you. I couldn't stand telling you that I'd broken your trust again." He kept talking like he was oblivious to the pain of his words. "I found out weeks later that she was pregnant and...I just...I just had to let you go, Astrid. You deserved better. I had to let you find true happiness because...I'd already caused you so much pain."
Red. Everything went red. Her vision blurred as a flame curled in the pit of her stomach. Her brain went on overdrive as it picked every moment that she'd spent crying for four years. The memories weighed down on her but instead of breaking even more, her heart now turned ice cold and slunk into the shadows as her brain took complete control. The flames in her stomach rose up to her chest and crawled through her veins, taking over the rest of her body. Her fingers curled into fists, nails piercing through the flesh of her palm.
"So...you cheated on me weeks before our wedding, hid it from me, then walked away when you found out she was pregnant?"
"I needed to walk away, Astrid, because I'd held you down for far too long. I also needed to take up the responsibility because she was carrying my child."
Waves of fury rolled off her as the blood rose to her cheeks. "And you thought I wasn't?!"
His jaw fell in response to her words, with his eyes popping out of their socket. He gazed at her at loss for words, and she noticed his eyes glisten with tears. A part of her leapt for joy, she wanted to hurt him just as much as he'd hurt her in the past.
"What?"
"Your time is up. Two minutes was our agreement, I think I'm done here."
"Astrid, wait! You were pregnant too?!" He blocked her path, still in shock, desperate eyes searching hers for answers.
"For the love of God, Stanley, let me go!"
"Astrid!" He took a hold of her shoulders firmly, withstanding her struggle to break free from him. "Please...tell me the truth...were you pregnant before I left?"
She shoved him forcefully away from her, willing to avoid showing him any form of weakness or comfort. "Yes! I was! And you know what? I went through it without you but came out stronger than ever and I've been doing great ever since."
"Astrid…"
She impulsively took out the picture of Neil she'd always kept in her wallet, holding it up to his face. "Look at him, Stanley! He is your son…your son!"
The tears that filled his eyes brought her even more joy, but it still wasn't convincing enough. She wanted him to know that he didn't just have a son, but also lost all the right to be a father to him. He reached out for the picture, but she held it back from him. She wasn't showing him any sympathy, because he needed to feel the full weight of her pain.
"Astrid...I…"
"I was so stupid to have built my world around you! and I crumbled because you chose to keep hurting me!" She wiped her tears, holding herself from breaking down again. "I'm not going to cry anymore or let you make me keep doubting myself. I've moved on, Stanley, okay? You've been dead to me for the past four years and you're dead to me now!"
"Astrid please...please wait."
"I swear Stanley if you keep following me, I will file a restraining order against you!"
He dropped to his knees, tears now streaming down his cheeks. She still wasn't falling for them, she was never going to give him a chance to even set his eyes on her son, not now...not ever. "I'm begging you, Astrid...please...forgive me."
She walked past him and rushed towards her, getting inside and closing the door before he could get to her. He tapped severally on her window pleading with her to talk to him, but she ignored his persuasion, driving with an inclined speed out of the parking lot. She looked into her side mirror and noticed him still running after her car.
Fool.
Did he really think he could chase her to her destination? Did he think he could win over her forgiveness and acceptance by shedding a few tears? Like the way, he always did in the past? He'd broken her limits this time, he'd really done his worst and she was never letting him back into her life again. She was with Harry now, she had finally found true happiness and she wasn't going to let the events of the past mess with her future.
Harry Haddock slipped his hands into the pocket of his pants pacing back and forth within his office, and still in disbelief of the whole situation. He just couldn't understand the reason for Astrid's reaction to his visitor and why she'd walked out right after noticing his presence. Did they know each other? He'd noticed the shock right after he'd mentioned Astrid's name, signalling that he was definitely someone from her past.
Or could he be...Neil's father?
No way.
Astrid had never mentioned his name or given him any information about the man she'd intended to marry four years ago. She'd simply stated that he'd left before she could tell him about her pregnancy, and wasn't aware of his son's existence. He hadn't brought it up either, as he'd promised to let her take the time to open up to him. Could it be that he'd somehow returned back into her life after all these years? And now? When she'd finally decided to move on from him?
He raked his fingers through his hair as panic struck in. He'd felt the same way when Astrid had told him about Stanley and the reason for his absence in his son's life. He'd been worried about the effect of his reappearance on a possible relationship with Astrid and now they were in one, the return seemed like a threat to him, or was he just overthinking things? What if it was just an old friend of hers? And not Neil's father?
How can you be so selfish, Harry? That little boy finally has a chance to be with his father and all you can think about is yourself?!
He pulled out his phone and called Astrid. He knew that she probably wasn't in the right frame of mind to talk, but he needed to be sure that she was okay. He hoped she wasn't driving currently because it'd be quite dangerous to hit the highway with such emotions clouding her mind. There was no response at the first two tries but then responded at his third attempt.
"Hello? Astrid?"
"I'm sorry, Harry. I'm sorry I walked out on you that way, I just…"
"Shh...calm down. You don't have to apologize for anything, Astrid. I just need to know what's going on and if you're doing okay."
"I'm doing fine, Harry. I just need some time alone."
He paused for a moment, noticing the waver in her voice. "Astrid...are you okay?"
He could hear her soft cries and whimpers through the phone and it made him even more worried about her. "No...I'm not okay, Harry."
"What's wrong? Do you want me to come over? I'll be there with you right away, you're on your way home, right?"
"No no no. You run a company, you can't just leave everything behind for my sake. Besides, I really need to be alone right now, there's a lot of crap on my mind I have to take in...I hope you understand."
"Sure, of course...take your time, just remember that I'm one call away whenever you need me, okay?"
"Harry?"
"Yeah?"
"The contractor...he's...he's Neil's father."
"Yeah, I know." He didn't want to overwhelm her by showing her that he was just as shocked and worried as she was. "I figured it would be the only reason for your reaction."
"He's going to ask you questions about me. I don't want to be…"
"You don't have to tell me that, Astrid. As long as you aren't ready to see him or let him into your son's life, I'm not going to mention anything to him...even if it costs us losing the contract."
"I'm really sorry, Harry. We've been together for just three days and I'm already causing you problems."
"Come on, don't say that. If we don't get the contract, then it's their loss. We've worked so hard, I know...but if he's gonna involve his personal life in the project, then I wouldn't want to work with him either."
"Thank you so much, Harry."
"So...are you going to pick up Neil from school, or do you want me to do that later?"
"It's fine, I'm going to call my dad. Stanley would probably have you followed or something...he's that desperate."
"Did you...tell him about Neil?"
Her instant breakdown broke his heart. He didn't want to ever see her hurting and the fact that he couldn't do anything about it made him feel worse. It was his fault that she'd met up with Stanley. If only he'd let her go for that interview instead, she wouldn't have to go through this right now. Harry felt really bad, but then Neil was the bright side of their situation. The little boy deserves love from his birth father, and it was a fact they both couldn't deny, despite the fact that Stanley would always be a part of their lives because of Neil.
"Hey...Astrid? It's gonna be okay. Just take your time, fix your thoughts and then make a decision, okay? I can't be with you right now, but I promise to stop over tonight once I'm done here. Is that okay with you?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, he's back already. I'll call you later, okay?" Harry's voice fell into a whisper when he noticed Stanley walk into his office.
"I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean to walk out of our meeting that way."
"Oh, that's fine." Harry slid into his seat after getting off the phone with Astrid. "I just hope everything is alright."
"It would be...I hope."
"I apologize on behalf of my assistant, she just needs a break for the meantime." Harry tried to be professional as difficult as it was to utter that statement. Astrid owed him absolutely no apology! And she had every right to walk out the door.
"She's your assistant? Astrid Hofferson?"
Dude, are you deaf? I've literally mentioned it twice now.
"Yes, she is."
"And she would be working with us on this project, right?"
Nice try, dude...nice try.
"Well, if she decides to keep working with us, then maybe. I can't decide that for her." He raised a brow. "Do you...have a problem with my assistant?"
"Uhm...no no, of course not." He replied, the tension in his voice revealing otherwise. "It's just...before we begin, I really need your help."
Oh God, here it goes.
"About Astrid...how long has she been working here?"
"Two months...why do you ask?"
"I know it sounds weird, but...she's someone I lost contact with a long time ago...someone from my past."
Wow. Someone from his past? Someone he'd lost contact with? Was this really the guy she'd intended to get married to? Harry gaped at him in disbelief. He'd always known Astrid as the kind of girl who never hung out with a crowd that matched her personality and worth, even with her relationships, but this was just ridiculous. What was that he'd said earlier about his problem again? It would be alright? Harry was definitely hoping for a reunion for him and his son, but Stanley sure had a lot more confidence in that than Harry did.
He was glad Astrid had walked away when she did, cause he couldn't even picture her reaction if she were in their presence. Astrid had told him of how her fiancee disappeared a week before her wedding and had cut off all contact with her, and now he was claiming that he'd lost contact with her? Or maybe he was trying to keep the rest of the story private, without knowing that Harry was fully aware of his whole dilemma.
"How did you...lose contact with her? Was she a friend?"
It amused Harry how uncomfortable and tense he made the guy. This was probably the most unprofessional conversation he'd had with a contractor, but he was still up for it. He wasn't going to judge either because he'd also done the same to Astrid years ago and had also cut off all contact with her.
"She was more than a friend...my ex-fiance to be exact."
Finally. It took you this long.
"Ex-fiance?"
"The point is...I really need your help. I've got a lot I need to sort out with her, a lot of wrongs I need to make right."
"I do understand, I just don't know how I can be of help to you, sir."
"Since she works closely with you, I assume you might have a lot more information about her."
"She's an employee of this company and I'm afraid I can't disclose any of her personal information or records without her consent."
He seemed really frustrated with Harry's reply, "I do understand that, but I...I'm really desperate. I need to talk to her urgently."
"Well, if it's that urgent, she might be here to work tomorrow, I'm sure you can talk to her then."
"And if she chooses not to return to work?"
"I'm really sorry, but I'm afraid I won't be able to do anything about it."
"Look…" He leaned in closer, revealing the tears that welled up in his eyes. "I have a Son that I haven't known about for four years. I know you shouldn't be involved in my personal problems, but please, if you are a father, you would understand how I feel."
It was great to know that he was at least willing and desperate to see his son and make up for the years he'd lost, but at the same time annoyed at the fact that Stanley didn't seem to care about Astrid's feelings in all this. She sounded so broken just from the phone call he had with her, and couldn't imagine the pain she was going through meeting her ex-fiance again. It felt like her decision didn't matter to him, and he wasn't worried about earning her forgiveness first to get the chance to be a father to his son.
"I am a father...and I love my daughter very much." Harry paused for a moment, making sure he was ready for the outcome of telling Stanley the truth. He was ready to face whatever it was, for Astrid's sake. "I also loved her mother, and respected her so much."
"Excuse me?"
"I don't mean to sound rude, but if you want to meet and build a relationship with your son, shouldn't you be worried about how his mother might feel about that?"
"She is definitely angry with me, but it wouldn't change the fact that he's my son."
He wasn't wrong. They couldn't involve Neil into their problems and Astrid would need to let go of her pain and anger for his sake. But why did he seem so nonchalant about Astrid?! Why did he seem so oblivious to the pain he'd made her go through in his absence?! She'd single-handedly raised Neil and had the right to keep him away from his father. Neil was definitely a priority, but so was Astrid, and it was going to take a whole lot from him to earn her forgiveness.
"He's your son, but he's also her son too...and she might have been raising him all this while without any support. I'm sure her emotions should count in all this."
"Hold on…" Stanley paused, giving Harry a puzzled look. "You seem to know a lot more about her than you'd claimed to know. Did you know she has a son?"
"I did. She talks about him a lot."
"How has she been coping? How much does she earn from working here? Is she married? And how…"
"I'm really sorry, Mr Stanley, I really wish I could help you, but I'm afraid those are questions you would need to ask her yourself."
"How am I supposed to do that if I can't even get her to talk to me?! How can I make up for the past when I won't be given a chance?!"
"You need a chance from her, but you don't deserve one. It's not a right that you should be asking for upfront." Harry blurted out without thinking, getting an extreme reaction of surprise from Stanley. He panicked almost immediately, hoping he didn't just ruin the business relationship with him.
"I really want to help you, but you can't earn her forgiveness by demanding it because of your son. She probably went through a lot in your absence and considering the way she walked out earlier? I don't think she wants to be bothered in the meantime."
"So what do you suggest I should do?"
"Be patient with her. Getting her contact information from me is a little extreme, and it would definitely make her uncomfortable working here." Neil was all Harry could think about. It didn't matter how much he despised the fact that Stanley was back into Astrid's life, and could possibly decide to restore his past relationship with her. Her son was more important to her and deserved a chance to meet his father.
"Again, what if she chooses not to come back to work here?"
"Trust me...she would...just not today," Harry replied. "Go according to her pace and apologize to her, she's not going to forgive you immediately, but you have to keep trying...for the sake of your son."
"I guess you're right...but please be honest with me, has she really just been working here for two months?"
Ugh...this guy.
"Yeah...why do you ask?"
"As I said before, you seem to know her a lot too well for a new employee."
A lot more than you do for sure.
"Not really. I've been married before, so it might be the reason why I understand how she feels. It's not a big deal."
"Before? Are you divorced too?"
Too? Did this guy really get married after bailing on his wedding with Astrid?! Gods, that was going to be a double blow to her. So it was that easy to move on from her to be married and divorced within the span of four years? He'd been giving Stanley an assurance of earning her forgiveness, but he was doubting if that would still be possible after she finds out about his marriage. On the other hand, he also felt insecure, especially now that Stanley had confirmed he was currently divorced and could decide to not just build a relationship with his son, but also with Astrid.
"Widowed."
"Oh…" His reaction wasn't different from everyone else that seemed to want to show 'sympathy' towards Camilla's demise. "I...I'm sorry about that."
"It's alright...life goes on." He forced a smile. "Uhm...I can have the meeting rescheduled if you want, we don't have to…"
"It's fine. I'm willing to work with you on this project and we would go on with the meeting as planned."
Harry reached out his hand for a handshake. "Thank you. We are looking forward to working with you too."
Fear crept in again when Stanley returned the handshake with a smile, confirming that his presence and this whole scene wasn't a dream. He'd just paved the way for Astrid's ex-fiancee to return back into her life and hoped dearly that he wasn't going to regret it.
Way to go, Harry...way to go.
Astrid Hofferson had almost gone halfway into her bowl of ice cream when she heard the doorbell. It was just three pm, and she wasn't expecting any visitor at this time, or did her father decide to go against her request to keep Neil at his place for the meantime? He'd sounded really pissed when she'd called him a few hours ago to break the news of Stanley's return, and was fine with the idea of keeping Neil away from her house in case Stanley somehow found his way to her doorstep.
Or...did he find his way already?
She walked towards the door, ready to give Stanley another deserved slap, along with the rest of the anger and rage she'd been holding back earlier. She then realized she'd guessed wrong when she peeked through the peephole of the front door and saw her boyfriend Harry standing out with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bag in the other. How was he here so soon? She'd been expecting him to visit much later, and hoped he didn't abandon his work back at the office for her sake.
"Harry?" She opened the door, completely relieved that it wasn't who she'd expected.
"Hey…" He leaned in for a quick kiss on her forehead. "How are you doing?"
She wrapped both arms around his waist and buried her face into his chest. He didn't hesitate to return the embrace even when both hands were full. She sobbed into his shoulders, holding on tighter, finding relief in the comfort his presence always brought her. He was probably shocked because she'd never been the one to show her broken and vulnerable side. She trusted him enough to open up completely, to show him that she relied on him, and that really needed him to be with her through all of this.
"He's back...he's back Harry."
"That doesn't matter now, what's important is how you feel about it." He voiced softly, moving all the items into one hand so he could stroke her hair with the other.
"Have you been crying?"
"I just couldn't help it...it hurts so much."
"Do you want us to talk about it? I'm ready to listen...I'll be here with you."
"Aren't you exhausted? You've been working all day."
"I'm fine. The only thing exhausting about today was worrying about you...and I'm not going to leave until I'm convinced that you're alright."
"Come on, let's go in. It's cold outside." She pulled away from him slowly, sniffing and wiping her tears. "I'm really glad you're here."
"Here...I picked these up for you." He handed her the beautiful bouquet of daffodils he'd picked up from a flower store earlier. "I also brought you food from your favourite restaurant. I assumed you'd probably want to starve yourself, and I'm not going to let that happen."
She smiled for the first time since she'd walked out of his office hours ago and took the flowers from him gazing at them with admiration. She leaned in and kissed his cheek, a bit amused by his startled reaction. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
She led him into the house, closing the door behind them. It was really sweet and thoughtful of him to put so much effort into making her feel better. The fact that he'd been stressed worrying about her spoke volumes and sent the healing she needed. When she'd felt worthless for being hurt severely and abandoned by Stanley, Harry's presence made the difference. His love, care and respect for her made her feel special and made her feel like she didn't have to always sacrifice to be loved in return.
He snorted, swallowing in his laughter when he noticed the bowl of ice cream that she'd been digging into before his arrival, amused by her silly method of dealing with pain.
"Don't you dare laugh or judge...I did the same thing when I resigned from your company that day."
"Really? You were that affected? I mean I was too but...I thought you didn't care."
"I had already fallen for you, Harry, don't act like you didn't know that."
"So why did you resign then? Because you didn't want to accept your feelings for me?"
"Because I didn't believe you'd ever be willing to move on."
"I didn't believe it was possible either." He replied, taking his seat next to her in the armchair. "But when you left? I realized just how much you meant to me, how I really felt about you...and how much I wanted you to be a part of my life."
She smiled and slid her hand into his hair, stroking his locks gently. "So how was work?"
"You mean, how was it working with your ex? Painful...really painful."
"Huh? Why?"
"He seemed like a duplicate of Eric, and it took a lot of self-control to stop myself from punching him in the face."
Astrid laughed, "Now that's a scene I wouldn't want to miss."
"How are you, Astrid? Do you want to talk about it?"
"I feel a lot better now because you're here."
"But still...there's a lot we need to talk about...a lot you need to let out." She looked into his eyes, tempted to hold back, but the solitude and assurance that radiated from his gaze made her open up. He wasn't here to look down on her or judge her, he was here to listen, comfort and console her. It didn't matter how terrible her past and decisions had been, he loved her so much and there was nothing she was going to say that would change that.
"After high school, I went east to study in New York...and yes, I'm still pissed that you took the valedictorian spot from me, but didn't show up at our graduation."
"Haha. Are you kidding? I wasn't even trying hard."
Astrid rolled her eyes. "Show off."
"So you haven't trimmed your jealousy towards me, huh?"
"Whatever." She went on. "I moved to New York, while my father moved to California and the distance was frustrating. All my life, it was just me and my dad and living on my own was a lot more difficult than I thought."
"Really? Wow, for some reason you seemed emotionally independent to me."
"That's just a front. I'm not as strong as I claim to be."
"I love that."
"What?"
"The fact that you've accepted that it's okay not to be strong all the time."
"You taught me that, remember?"
"Of course I remember."
"I met Stanley in my second year of college and to be honest, he wasn't really my type at all."
"Why?" Harry crossed his arms. "He pretty much checked your list completely from the encounter I had with him earlier."
"What list?"
"Uhm...I don't know...tall, handsome, muscular and…" Harry teased.
"Give me a break, Harry, I was a teenager!" Astrid exclaimed, slightly embarrassed as Harry snicked. "Besides...you're taller, more handsome and…"
"And less muscular?"
"I didn't say that...you did." She laughed, grateful for the way he tried to lighten up the mood to relieve her pain. "Besides, can you just let me talk?"
"Sorry...go on."
"It was more of a love-hate relationship between us. I hated his arrogance, he hated my guts. He was rich, threw a lot of parties, and spent money like it had no value to him. He loved girls, hung out with a lot of them, and hurt them like their feelings didn't matter."
"You really do have a thing for bad boys, huh?"
"Harry!"
"My lips are sealed, I promise."
"He did change...I watched his growth personally and I ended up falling in love with him."
"So what went wrong?"
"What went wrong? He didn't love me in return." Tears clouded her eyes as she went down that painful memory lane of her toxic relationship with Stanley Johnson. "He cheated on me a couple of times, but somehow I always found a way to forgive him every single time. I kept giving him excuses, even when I was told off by friends around me."
"Like Heather?"
She nodded. "Yeah. But I was in love with him...and I wanted him to love me so much that it became a dangerous obsession. All it would take for him to earn my forgiveness was a romantic getaway on an island, lots of flowers and chocolates and a lot of sex. Yes, I would still have sex with him, even though he kept cheating."
She looked into his eyes again, expecting at least the slightest hint of disappointment, shock and judgement, but she found none. His gaze was locked on hers, so full of love and admiration that it baffled her. Did he not understand the words she was saying? None of that was strong enough to move him?
"I dated him for about five years and he finally proposed after we graduated. I doubted a happy life with him as his wife, and so did my loved ones. They pointed out the red flags and tried to convince me that it wasn't too late to change my mind and I would never be happy with him."
"I realize now that he was a very manipulative person, and had various ways to convince me that he made me happy, that if I could be patient and try to change him, I would enjoy the best version of him. I then became desperate to create the version of him that I wanted, but he just played his little game and walked away."
"I always wanted to know the reason why he left, because I gave him everything and couldn't understand why it still wasn't enough...why I was never enough for him." Tears trickled down the corners of her eyes and she wiped off, angry at the fact that Stanley still had the power to cause her this much pain without even trying.
"And now that I've found out? It's become clear just how gullible and naive I'd been all along."
"What did he tell you? What was his excuse this time for leaving?"
She buried her face in her palms, losing the battle to her tears. No matter how strong she tried to be, Stanley seemed to always make her feel weak. "He cheated again, weeks to our wedding. He kept blaming it on alcohol and the fact that he was drunk but...it's not the first time he has used that excuse...in fact, it makes me sick just how many times he's used that."
"Do you know that he got her pregnant? He ditched our wedding to be a father to a child he had with a total stranger...a girl he was never meant to be with...a girl who sacrificed absolutely nothing for him! And me? Gosh, I'm such an idiot, I'm so stupid, I…"
"Shhh...Hey, stop it. Don't ever say those words against yourself." He pulled her close to him. "You sacrificed everything for the one you loved, there's nothing wrong with that, okay? If it wasn't genuinely reciprocated then it's his loss, not yours."
"No...you don't understand how much of a fool I've been!"
"Stop saying that."
"Do you know that I considered having Neil aborted at a point in my life? That's how stupid and cruel I was! I don't think you understand that Neil's life is the way it is now because of me! I kept drinking, starving myself and I hated the child I was carrying...an innocent child that had nothing to do with my pain!"
"Astrid…"
"I hated Neil before he was born and when I gave birth to him prematurely? I hated myself even more! And for what?! For a guy who never loved me? For a guy who found pleasure in hurting me? It's too much Harry...I would never forgive myself."
Harry wrapped his arms around her as she broke down in his bosom. The pain was just too much to bear. He became silent for a while as he let her cry it out, soaking his shirt with her tears. She clung to him like it could erase every mistake she'd ever made like it would make her son forgive her for being such a cruel mother to him.
"You would never heal or move on if you don't learn to forgive yourself, Astrid." He whispered softly into her ear. "We are all humans and we do make mistakes, and most times hurt the people we love dearly in the process."
"But it's my son that I hurt."
"I know...and you feel guilty, I understand that. But punishing yourself for the rest of your life isn't going to fix those mistakes, Astrid...it isn't going to change anything. Do you know what it's going to do to you?"
"No."
"It's going to make you bitter. You would not be able to love your son and the people around you because you stopped loving yourself. If your heart is full of grief and unforgiveness, it would affect Neil, and you'd be hurting him even more unintentionally."
"You're just saying that to make me feel better."
"But it is the truth, Astrid." He replied. "I lost my wife four years ago and I blamed myself every single day for not putting more effort into saving her life. Because of that, I became desolate and bitter, and you know what? It started affecting Zia."
"How?"
"She would always cry whenever she saw me in pain or gazing at her mother's portrait. She couldn't ask me about her mother as much as she wanted to...and sometimes she'd even be afraid to talk to me because she'd seen me drunk and in rage before. I was becoming a terrible father and kept hurting her when I didn't intend to."
"The reason she wanted a new mother so badly was because she wanted me to have someone I could talk to, someone that would make me happy when I was sad. Until I learnt to forgive myself and understand that I could never change the past, that's when I started healing...when I found love again in you." She pulled away from the long embrace and searched his eyes. It was intriguing how he somehow always had just the right words to say to her to make her better.
Maybe he was right. Neil was growing up, and he was going to be more sensitive to her moods and emotions. She couldn't keep in all the anger she had towards herself and towards his father, she needed to let go because she didn't want to hurt him any more than she already did. She was lucky enough to have him, and to have Harry, and bitterness was going to drive them away from her. Stanley had messed with her past, but she wasn't going to let him mess with both her present and her future, happiness was her choice to make and it all starts from letting go of her pain.
She leaned in and kissed Harry. The intimate connection of both lips was so full of emotion, of words of gratitude and appreciation. She couldn't be thankful enough for meeting him again and for his presence in her life. The way he never failed to show her that she was worth every single minute of his time and effort. Her fingers dug into his hair as she deepened the kiss. Just like every other kiss with him, the world itself ceased to exist, blurred and indistinct as a wet painting, with the both of them as their pure vulnerable selves.
Her breathing became ragged when she pulled away, her face cupped in his hands, with his fingers trying to wipe her tears away. "I'm broken, Harry...I'm really broken...and afraid. I didn't want to trust again...I didn't want to hope again...and I didn't want to give any more chances."
"I can't help it. If I'm going to get hurt the second time, then so be it, if I'm going to be a fool for love again, that's fine with me too."
"But…" She trailed her thumb on his lips, her eyes still locked on his. "But I'm willing to trust you because...because I'm in love with you, Harry."
"I love everything about you, and now that you're a part of my life again, I can't imagine a world without you." She sniffed, "I want you to stay and I need you to promise me that no matter what happens, you wouldn't walk away...at least not without saying goodbye."
"Never." He responded, his tone just as reassuring as she needed it to be. "You don't have to be afraid of anything, okay? I was serious about my decision to be with you, and I'm not going to go back on it for anything...or for anyone. It's okay if you are broken because I can be strong for the both of us. Your presence means so much to me and I can't imagine a world you either."
He kissed her again and her fears and worries melted away. "I love you too, Astrid."
Author's Note
To CajunBear73: A hella train-wreck for sure, lol! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thanks for reading!
To Platodi: Thanks for reading!
To KarlaTeran: New Reader, yaay! I'm glad you're loving it. Thank you.