Mujahedeen

Ewoks prove more than "allies".

Post Victory Feast, everyone was ready to get going. Everyone but the Ewoks. People forgot that the "cute teddy bears" took down stormtroopers by pike, bow, or hand crafted stone and wood maul.

So, while Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca. C3PO, R2D2, and Lando found a festive celebration, other "alliance to restore the republic" soldiers found a fucking nightmare beyond compare. Each celebratory drum set cost at least five individuals their lives, and the "Heroes of the Alliance" seemed too high on victory to see the warning signs. Where the Emperor saw humanity as the supreme being, Ewoks saw BBQ supplies.

And yeah, it's a pretty simple blind spot. While eating a dog to most western hemisphere Americans seems barbaric, when the chips are down, morals go out the window pretty damn fast, and this was an oversight waiting for murphy.

Which brings us to Reality Programming. More specifically, The Real Wives of Coruscant. While here on earth, plastic titted bimbos spend their husbands entire savings trying to appear posh, the Real Housewives of Coruscant found themselves on a much higher level. That being said, Reality TV is Reality TV, the "principals" were straight up garbage.

And they done fucked up.

No matter how many zeroes you have on your spending account, you've still got to find someone willing to take those credits, and these morons found their credits didn't spend.

I mean to be fair, this was a good seven years post denouement, The death star had long been recycled, not burning up the forest moon of Endor as some might think, the place was cleaned up. Yeah, that one Bunker was a military memorial, for lives lost, or whatever.

Mostly, Endor was seen as a camping destination for the insanely overprivileged. Rather than tents, campers had entirely prefab campsites, done out in "roughing it" fatigues, i.e. Not at all. Condos for dodos. Dress up in camouflage and pointy hats. Maybe a bit of speeder bike racing, for those such inclined, but rare.

And resentment? It came back hard. Ewoks couldn't speak basic. They just weren't built for it. And besides, they had a perfectly good language, and it should have been included in translator databases.

Key word being should have. Instead, government programs strongly suggested that Ewoks get with the program.

Which, once again, they couldn't do. It wasn't a matter of thinking they were above language requirements, they flat out couldn't meet the needs of standard.

Their home, which they only ever knew of as their home, was turned into a tourist site by people who didn't think much of them to begin with, or infantilized them for a secondary insult. Their culture never considered, their tree homes considered "charming".

And it wasn't warmly met. The rudeness of the tourists bred resentment, galactic language standards led to financial hardship, and essentially, things became a pressure cooker.

And the Real Wives of Coruscant set it off.

Specifically, Camille Orsan. She passed customs without following the cultural requirements, money spent to clear such a hassle. She was dressed in her best Leia knockoffs, and was drunk off her tits. She saw a small ewok, snagged it into a bear hug, and kept walking.

The parents took offense, yelling about their stolen child. The security detail put blaster bolts in the heads of the parents, and edited out the footage. Camille become a hero, saving a poor destitute orphan ewok, while treating it like a dog.

This was both witnessed, and viciously opposed. Ewoks had not received any great representation in the new senate, holding only the single forest moon, and the heroes of the rebellion had fucked off to their own devices.

The pressure cooker hit boil. Already disenfranchised by not having representation post victory, the Ewoks were done playing nice, and worked out plans.

THIS PART IS PAST MY WRITING SKILLS. SPECIFICALLY WE WOULD HAVE A REAL HOUSEWIVES TYPICAL SCENE WHERE THEY ARE GARBAGE, AND THEY WOULD BE MET BY AN EWOK RAIDING PARTY, ALA RETURN OF THE JEDI. CAMILLE ORSAN WOULD GET A BONE SPEAR THROUGH THE EYE, AND THE REST OF THE HOUSEWIVES WOULD BE CONSUMED IN SOMETHING RESEMBLING THE REAVER SCENES IN FIREFLY

Chapter 2 would be about a holonet pirate who accidentally streamed the episode where the "wives of Coruscant" became dog food. The pirate would find himself in "protective custody" of a Jedi Order formed entirely too quickly by Luke Skywalker.

Instead of becoming a Hermit, Luke became a a poster boy for the Jedi under the overachieving eyes of his sister, Leia. This would NOT be a good thing.

And that's where I burned out.