Chapter Sixty
Jason finally allowed himself to breathe once Doctor Harris had given Clay the all-clear to go home. It had taken a week before the doctor had been happy enough with Clay's charts before making his decision. However, Jason sadly couldn't take Clay home, not yet anyway.
Doctor Harris was still concerned about how badly the drowning had affected Clay's lungs and without more tests and time, so he was grounded. Unable to fly until he was certain that the flight wouldn't cause any long term damage to him. Jason understood the caution, Clay had been through so much in only a short period of time and needed the rest. However that wasn't what had set his worried scale to the max, it was the fact that Clay looked happy about not having to go home just yet.
He had met Clay's South African family and knew that the bonds between them were as strong as his bonds with Bravo. Maybe even a little stronger, which worried him. The worry about Clay leaving Bravo for good and moving back here was at the forefront of his mind. He didn't know if they would be able to fully recover if that happened. The team would continue as they always did but they would always have to look at Clay's empty cage every time they were in the cage room. With Full Metal back with Alpha, it wouldn't be long before the pressure from up high got too much and he would have to replace Clay. They couldn't operate with only five guys for long, it was too dangerous. Yes, for some missions it was perfect. Recon missions were always better with small teams as it meant that they could pick better hides, were able to get closer to the target and also meant that there was less of a chance of them getting caught. However, for hostage situations, HVT hits and other missions that needed a full team, they needed a full team. More guns. But deep down, Jason knew that operating without Clay would hurt in more ways than one.
However, at the same time, Jason knew that if this was what Clay needed to do he wasn't going to stop him. That would be wrong of him too. He wouldn't...he couldn't force Clay to do anything that he didn't want too. He cared too much about him for that. This life could easily destroy someone and sometimes the person was brave enough to walk away before that happened. If Clay needed to walk away from this life then as much as it would hurt him, he would let him. Clay was young. Maybe too young for this life but that meant he had enough time to walk away and start fresh. Start a family, a more peaceful living maybe.
Something that he sometimes wished he had done. Maybe then his family wouldn't be so broken. His children would have their mother and he would still have his best friend. Life would be so much different. He couldn't say better as when he thought about it and about how much he loved the Navy, he knew that he wouldn't have been able to walk away back then. No matter how much he knew Alana wanted him too. And he knew that she had. He knew that Alana loved him but in the end, she couldn't love his job as well. Not like he did. She was proud of him. He knew that, but the life had gotten to her. Like it always did. Marriage and the life never worked out and when it did it was a miracle.
When Clay had been released from the hospital, Jason knew that Frank very much wanted to take him to his home. However, Clay hadn't wanted that, he didn't know why but when Doctor Harris had told him he was leaving he had told him that he would be staying with Marius. Jason kind of understood it, Marius was his brother. But at the same time, Jason would have preferred Clay to stay with Frank. Maybe that was the father in him? Who knew? But thinking more clearly about the whole situation, any father would want their son close after nearly losing them. He knew he wasn't about to let Clay out of his sight for a while and he had a feeling Frank was feeling the same. Which was the reason why he was a little confused at how little Frank had argued with Clay about him staying with Marius instead of him.
But now as he sat in Marius' spare room alone, he was beginning too. Clay didn't feel so trapped here with Marius. He had even seen the kid laugh a time or two when it was the two of them. Jason knew that Clay hadn't meant to distance himself from him but he understood why. He was a link to Bravo.
As much as he knew Clay loved being a Seal and a Tier One, the kid has suffered so much because of it. Maybe Clay did need a break from them, even if it hurt him to admit that to himself. It was times like this that made him realize how much he relied on Clay. Both on the battlefield and off it. He hadn't meant to but he had. Maybe it was Clay's thirst to learn or maybe it was because he saw himself in Clay that he wanted to make sure that the kid wouldn't fall apart like he did. He didn't know. But he did know that Clay felt like he had the world on his shoulders and that was all on him. He never should have put that much pressure on the kid, it wasn't his duty to watch over Bravo. And yet the kid knew more about his teams' lives then he did.
Hell, Clay knew more about all of them than they did about him and that was how the kid liked it. He knew all the members of the support and things about their lives. Things that he should have already known and yet he didn't.
And it wasn't just for Bravo either. Clay knew more about the other teams as well. Even before he had trained with Charlie and Alpha. If he asked him, Jason had a feeling that Clay could also name their support team members as well. The kid had a much bigger family than he knew. One that contained some of the most dangerous and loyal soldiers he had ever known. DEVGRU was his family. No matter what happened or where he went. They would always be there for him. He would make sure of that.
Running his fingers over his eyes he turned to look at his phone next to him. He had wished that he could just turn it off for a little bit. Forget the real world and focus only on Clay's health but he knew that he couldn't. Not with Command demanding updates and the same for Bravo. It was like everyone needed to know every little detail about the kid's health and the doctor's plan. He must have repeated himself six times in the space of twenty minutes. It wasn't his fault that the doctors had put Clay on the no-fly list. It wasn't anybody. He knew that the doctor was only being cautious and he would have thought that the higher-ups would understand that. Then again, they were having to trust a doctor that they didn't know working on one of their operators.
However, that didn't matter anymore. Not now at least. He could forget about it for a little while longer. Getting to his feet and leaving his phone on the bed he moved through the small house, looking for any sign of Marius or Clay. Last he heard, Marius was in the shower and Clay had been in the living room however the house was silent. Which worried him. But as he reached the kitchen, he found Marius stood in clean clothes with a cup of coffee in his hand staring out to the garden.
The first time he met Marius still played in his mind, Frank had only left to grab another round of coffee when Marius had entered Clay's room. Marius, of course, had no idea someone from Bravo was coming to stay with Clay, and the language he used to demand Jason to explain who he was pointed to that. Jason knew straight away who the man was, he had seen a photo that Clay had on his phone when he had been planning this trip and as casually as he could he asked him who the man was. He also remembered some of what Mandy had said about Marius and knew that the man was a capable soldier in a fight but that wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to hurt someone who Clay saw as a brother but he was going to defend himself.
Thankfully Frank had seen his other son coming and had grabbed his arm before he could unclip his sidearm and as calmly as he could he explained who Jason was. But then Frank had switched to Afrikaan minutes later and it seemed to calm Marius right down. He also didn't miss the telltale sign of a father's stern look that he sent Marius before leaving to get the coffee.
After that little incident to which everyone agreed to keep hidden from Clay, he had gotten on well with the young man. But it was a reminder on how protective the man in front of him was over Clay. Just like he was.
Jason helped himself to a cup of coffee that was felt on the side, still scalding hot to the touch, moving as quietly as he could not to startle the man. Adding only a splash of milk from the fridge before moving over to see what Marius was looking at. The man looked like he had tunnel vision at the minute which of course made him dangerous. He had to keep reminding himself that the man in front of him was a highly trained soldier just like he was but that didn't make him his enemy.
Turning to look out at the garden, Jason saw what or more like who Marius was watching with tunnel vision. Clay.
His kid was sitting in one of the garden chairs with his back to them and from what he could see the kid was too far gone lost in his own thoughts. "How long has he been out there for?" Jason asked, breaking the silence that was thick in the room. He didn't know if Marius could hear him and really he didn't expect an answer. It was more to himself. He was trying to work out how long he was on the phone with the Brass and Blackburn and add that to the last time he had seen Clay. But his own thoughts were broken by Marius' answering his question.
"Maybe an hour or two," Marius said, taking a sip of his own coffee. He knew that he should be worried about Clay being lost inside his own head for that long but he knew that Clay was still dealing with a lot. Some things that they couldn't help him with. Things that he needed to work out on his own, no matter how much he hurt him to see it. He knew his little brother.
"Shouldn't he be resting?" Jason asked. He too knew the signs that Clay was dealing with an internal struggle. And wishing that he could help his kid sort those struggles out but he knew that Clay didn't want nor need his help. He would come to him if he needed help. He hoped.
"Well he sort of is; as long as he just sits there I don't have a problem with it," Marius said shrugging his shoulders. To be truthful, he wanted nothing more than Clay inside the house either on the couch or in his bed. But he knew why Clay had gone outside, Clay never liked the feeling of being trapped. Maybe it was because of what happened all those years ago in the camp, he didn't know. All he knew was that when Clay was feeling trapped he either went somewhere he knew was safe or he would be outside where the breeze could reach him.
"His doctors want him to rest," Jason added.
"Well, I'm not fighting for him," Marius said, shaking his head at the comment. When Clay set his mind to something, there wasn't a lot they could do about it. And as long as he was doing whatever he was doing safely then he was fine with that. "As long as he leaves my gym equipment alone, he can stay out there all day. He knows that we will kill him if he tries it." He then added nodding towards his outdoor gym equipment and then he shrugged his shoulders. Personally, he knew that he wouldn't be able to physically hurt Clay but he had no problem grassing on him to their dad.
"True…" Jason said but stopped himself from finishing his sentence as he had a feeling that no matter what he said he knew that he was on his own.
"What was with that phone call?" Marius asked, turning to face Jason a little more. He knew that Jason was dealing with a lot and from what little he had overheard, Jason had a whole other problem that he was dealing with now.
"What do you mean?" Jason asked, confused and maybe a little defensive. But then he ran over the two very long conversations he had had and knew why Marius knew about them. He had lost his shit four times if remembering correctly.
"Walls are pretty thin and you sounded like my old drill sergeant," Marius explained innocently and smiled.
Jason sighed and rubbed his hand across his leg before speaking, "The Brass want Clay back in the States. But with Doctor Harris grounding him, it has pissed them off. Doesn't matter that he is doing it for the right reasons, they want him back home under the care of our doctors."
Marius didn't know if he should be offended or not with that statement. Doctor Harris was one hell of a doctor, hell, he had trained Chester personally when he was still training and had taken so many other doctors under his wing in his time. But it also made sense, Clay was in the US Navy and they had every right to want him back there under the care of their own doctors. No matter how much it hurt watching his brother leave again.
"I don't mind him being here. He will be ready when he is ready." Marius said, shrugging his shoulders. He knew that he was downplaying his emotions. He loved having his younger brother under his roof. It meant that he could watch over him and make sure that nothing hurt him.
"I know but Bravo wants him home," Jason added without thinking. Blackburn had told him how unsettled Bravo had become since learning about Clay. They had gone on a mission or two since he left and Ray was one hell of a Bravo One in his absence but they weren't the same.
"They may be waiting a while before Doc clears him. Until then, I don't mind you both staying with me. Another pair of eyes doesn't hurt when you are dealing with him." Marius said before draining the last of his coffee.
"Going somewhere?" Jason asked as Marius moved to put his empty cup in the sink,
"I have to go to base for a meeting. Something about training drills...I don't know wasn't really paying much attention." Marius explained. He knew that he was lying a little bit but he couldn't say much but to be fair he hadn't really paid much attention to the phone call. All he understood was that he was needed on base.
Jason nodded. He understood where Marius was coming from. If Jason wasn't here, he had a feeling that Marius would have dragged Clay to Frank's so he wasn't alone.
"I shouldn't be more than a couple of hours and I will bring something back for dinner on the way back. I know Chester and Johan are coming over tonight. Chester wants to give him another once over which I have no doubt he will kick off about so we might need your help pinning him down for that." Marius explained as he picked up his rucksack from the floor next to the couch.
Jason nodded. In a way, he was thankful that one of Clay's friends was a doctor otherwise he would be calling Trent a lot more asking him to explain things. He sipped his coffee and had no idea how Marius had just drunk it so smoothly without burning his entire mouth. Even with the milk, it was still hot.
"Talk to him," Marius said breaking Jason out of his head. Jason looked confused for a second at the statement. Hadn't they just spoke about leaving Clay to his own thoughts for a time.
"Trust me on this. He needs to get something off his chest and I know I can't be the one to hear it. Clay is loyal, remember. See you both later." And with that Marius was gone.
Jason thought over what Marius had just said to him. He knew Clay was loyal, they all knew that so why bring it up? And then it hit him. Clay needed to talk about Bravo and he was too loyal to betray anything about them to anyone. Even his own family. He knew that even before this trip, Clay had been struggling with the idea of returning to Bravo. He hadn't really said anything but he knew it had been there. And now he knew that Clay had this family here in South Africa it made that fear even worse.
He shook his head violently, shaking his head to kick those thoughts out. He would never force Clay to do anything that would hurt him. Even if it meant leaving him here.
Jason knew that he needed to let Clay tell him what was going on but at the same time, he couldn't push him too hard. He knew that that wouldn't work. Adam had told him so. Clay never gave much away but after a long sit down with Adam he had learned a few of Clay's tells.
He needed to get Clay into a position that he felt safe in and knew that he wasn't going to get into trouble for voicing his options. Turning back into the kitchen, he filled another cup with coffee but added a little more milk than his own. He knew that Clay could have coffee but not too much of it. And then headed out to Clay.
The warm air felt nice as he moved towards Clay. At first, he thought that maybe the kid was asleep but as he turned to sit in the empty seat next to him, he saw Clay's blue eyes follow him.
"One of those for me?" Clay asked, pointing to the cups in Jason's hands. He knew that Marius and Jason had been following the doctor's orders to the letter and only letting him have one cup a day so he found it a little odd that Jason would bring him another. And he knew it was coffee, he could smell it.
Jason smiled and handed one over to him, which Clay gratefully took. "No grassing on me."
"No sir." Clay smiled taking a sip of the warm delicious coffee. He had no idea what had caused Jason to change his mind and give him this but he was thankful for it.
"How are you feeling today?" Jason asked harmlessly. He knew that Clay was getting pretty sick of people asking him if he was ok but like normal the kid didn't show it. Instead, he'd just work his way around the subject and start a new one.
Clay sighed and cursed himself a little. He should have known that this coffee wouldn't be for free. Jason wanted to have a talk and there was no way he was getting out of it. But maybe he didn't want too. He knew that he was avoiding Jason again, just like he had done back in the States.
"I'm ok. Just thinking…" Clay said, leaving the subject open for Jason to start it. He was never very good at this, talking about his feelings but he knew that he had too.
"About?" Jason asked seeing Clay's internal struggle get worse. The kid looked like he was about to explode if he didn't say something soon.
"I don't know...everything… nothing," Clay admitted.
"Don't sound like nothing kid, if you aren't ready I get it. We can talk when you're ready too." He knew that he was giving Clay a way out, he didn't want too but he knew that it was something that the kid needed to hear. He hated seeing Clay like this, confused and scared about everything ahead of him. It was a far reach from the cocky kid he had meet all those years ago. But that was his own fault, he had judge Clay without even knowing him. A mistake that had nearly caused him to pass on one of the best operators he had seen for years.
"No. It's fine. It's just being here...seeing Marius and Frank again, it's made this place feel like home again. It's been years since I was last here but it also feels like no time has passed at all. But at the same time, Bravo is also home. It feels like no matter what I do, I will lose something again. Someone…" Clay felt his eyes start to fill. He didn't know how Jason was going to take this but he couldn't stop the words from coming out. "I don't know what I'm meant to do anymore." He finally admitted.
Staying here meant safety, to be able to see Frank, Marius and the others all the time. He could speak one of his first languages without any odd looks. Not have to worry about losing those around him with every step they took. He had no idea what he would do here but he knew that he wouldn't have to worry about being blown up, shot at all the time and just enjoy the peace.
But on the other hand, it meant leaving the family he had built with Bravo and DEVGRU. He knew that he had built strong bonds with a lot more people than he had ever imagined when he had first joined the Navy. He would miss them all, fighting alongside them. Making sure that they got back to their families safely and enjoying the brotherhood that came with DEVGRU. Walking away would kill him in ways that he never thought possible. Normally everyone just saw his last name, and he was the guy that shouldn't be trusted but now that was never the case. Hell, he had been to more DEVGRU operators homes than he had done when he was with Team three.
There was a family back there waiting for him but he didn't know if he could be a part of that world anymore. Something inside of him had broken a long time ago, long before Zurkoff had gotten ahold of him. Maybe it was when he was blown up or maybe it was when he had caused Adam to lose his life. He couldn't tell anymore. But the one thing that he did know was that it wasn't healing.
Maybe walking away would let it?
He couldn't be sure either way.
"Kid...I can't tell you what to do. No one can." Jason said softly, it was a similar tone he used when his kids were sick or hurting and needed to be reminded that everything was going to be ok. And right now one of his kids was hurting. Deeply. He moved his seat closer to Clay so he could rest his hand on the kid's forearm. The kid needed grounding right now, he needed someone to hold him even if it wasn't fully. He also knew that this was something that Clay needed to work out himself without anyone telling him what to do or how to think. He didn't need Jason Hayes Bravo One, no he needed Jason Hayes a father and a friend.
Clay had been through so much, maybe too much, in his short life. He had no idea what had happened with his grandparents nor what had caused both Marius and Frank to become so protective over him but he knew that it can't have been good. He knew the horror stories that the Seals who had worked over there had told. About the things that they had seen. No child should have seen that. And whatever had happened, he knew that the kid was still dealing with it. Coming from that life into this one wasn't an easy one, he was a rich target for PTSD and other mental problems later on. Maybe stepping back wouldn't be so bad for him.
"But you have to know that I will support you no matter what you do. If you leave Bravo, that doesn't mean Bravo will leave you." Jason added softly as he rubbed his hand across Clay's arm.
Clay's eyes shot up at that statement and the confusion was clear for Jason to see. And that hurt him, did Clay think that they would just abandon him just because he left Bravo? He shook his head at the surprised look, had he taught Clay nothing about how families stuck together through anything that was thrown at them and they dealt with rocket launchers for christ's sake.
"We would never abandon you, Clay. No matter where you go or what you decide to do. We are your brothers no matter what." Jason said and with that Clay's flood gates opened and all the pain and panic that he had been feeling since he had first started to feel this way.
Jason this time took Clay's coffee off him before he dropped it and placed it on the ground next to his own. He then pulled Clay into his chest without a second thought. All he could think was that his kid needed him and so he just held Clay as tightly as he dared. All of the emotion that Clay had been bottling up and pushing down was now exploding from him in a painful and heartbreaking way that Jason felt his own eyes fill with tears.
He held Clay as his kid sobbed into his chest, feeling his t-shirt become wet with Clay's tears and not caring a bit about it. He knew deep down that he had once again he had failed his son. Something that he had promised to never do again. He had completely missed the pain that Clay had been feeling or maybe he hadn't wanted to see it. He didn't know which one was worse.
"I got you kid, let it out," Jason muttered as he clung to Clay like something was coming that would rip his kid away from him.
He had failed so many people in his life, people that he loved. He didn't know how but he wasn't going to fail Clay again, he was his son and a father should never give up on his child. No matter if they were by blood or not. He was not failing Clay again.