Chapter Sixty-one

Clay didn't know what to think anymore. His entire world had been turned upside down and back to front in only a short amount of time. He had no idea where it had all gone wrong? But it had. And he had no idea how his life had changed so much that now he was questioning everything?

Before all of this, he had known exactly what he had wanted to do with his life. And that was to help people and be the best that he could be. He had known from a very young age that all he wanted to do was to help people that needed it. No matter where they were from or their situation. He guessed that his love of helping people came from watching his grandparents do it every day. They would give their shirts from their own back if they saw someone who needed it more. They were maybe too good for this world and the only hoped that he was making them proud of him. From a young age, Clay had known that whatever he did with his life, it had to be where he could help others. To be able to save a life, meant so much to him. Bringing people back to their loved ones was also something that he really wanted to do. To bring a family back together meant that another child wouldn't have to grow up as he did.

As much as his grandparents had tried to be there for him, they weren't his parents. He knew that it wasn't his mother's fault for dying and leaving him alone but he couldn't help feeling a small amount of anger towards her because like everyone else important in his life, she had left him. He knew that she hadn't wanted too nor had she planned it but she still had. He didn't often talk about his mother, to anyone, but that was really because he really couldn't remember much about her. His grandparents had tried to speak about her to him and remind him that she did love him. However, it was hard for them to speak about her as a person because they hadn't even met her.

His parent's marriage had lasted less than five months before they had split up however they hadn't divorced. He had learnt mainly from Ash when he had been drunk that they had only been dating a few weeks before she had gotten pregnant with him and the pair married because of him. But Clay could tell that Ash had no love towards his mother or if there had been, it was long gone now.

Even with her carrying his child, Clay had heard rumours that Ash didn't care if he was married or not, he acted like nothing had changed. One particular night when he had gone to visit his father when he was a kid and he had returned from the pub at four in the morning, Clay had learned an important piece of information. Ash had complained that Clay had put his life at risk and if it hadn't been for his parents, Clay would have been put into care. He had then gone on about how grateful Clay should be for him being his father because he had only agreed to marry Anna to make sure that his son was born American. There had been a few other things said which ended in Clay going home with a black eye and a few bruised ribs. He had never told anyone what had happened between them but he had made his wishes known that he wanted nothing to do with Ash after that.

Clay had until that point no idea that his mother hadn't been an American, his grandparents had mentioned that she had a little bit of an accent but he had thought it had meant that she was from another state, not another country. He knew that he should have dug a little deeper into his mother's past, maybe he had other family members somewhere in the world. Another part of his heritage that he should look into.

But he couldn't do it. For a long time, he had only seen family as another weakness. Thank you, Ash Spenser. One of the few lessons he had taught Clay when he saw him. Family was made up of people who could be taken away at any moment or leave. Whatever came first but no one would stay for him. Better to be alone than to face that pain again and again.

Thinking about Ash made his blood boil a little more as time went on. Ash was pretty much just a sperm donor and that was it. That was until he had joined the Seal that was. Then he became useful for his career. He became something that he could use. Ash was never a father to him and sometimes he wished that he hadn't opened himself up to failure by trusting the man. But he needed him, for Swanny. But afterwards, when the fight was over he had told him he would keep fighting for them. But only time would tell if Ash was local to his word.

But it was because of Ash's warning about people leaving him, he had left his South African family without a second thought. It didn't matter that they meant so much for him, he needed to move on. Moving was to help his grandmother deal with everything and he was happy to help but in the end, she had left him as well. Just like he knew she would. Leaving him alone in a country that he didn't really know. It didn't matter that he was born there or had a passport. It hadn't felt like home for a long time. That was until he had joined the Navy. And then it became somewhat of a home. For now anyway.

He had no idea what the surname of Spencer meant until he had joined BUDs. It was then that he learned the truth about his father and how having the last name Spenser wasn't the best thing to have in the Seals. But thankfully, he had already grown a hard skin long before he had come to the States and that only became stronger when he came back. His accent and his bad English hadn't helped as well and he had been picked on for a while until it had improved. In the end, he had worked hard to fit in and it had taken locking his South African side deep down inside himself with a chain and padlock. It was that skill of locking things away that had made him so good at being a Seal.

However, there was one thing that he couldn't hide as well as everything else and that was his emotions. He never could completely lock his emotions away when they got too much. Mexico was a prime example of that. People often told him that he needed to use his emotions to make him fight better. However, he knew how dangerous letting his emotions control his actions. When he was a kid, he had wanted revenge for what had happened to his family. To go out and hurt the men that had hurt them, but he knew better. He had seen it before. What revenge and anger could do to a man was scary to see. He had seen it consume the kindest of men and make them become the monsters that they had set out to destroy. He had lost a lot of friends to revenge that now he knew to be careful around it.

During his time in BUDs, he had learned so much about himself and sadly more about what Ash had done. He knew that Ash had been a crappy father to him even when his grandparents tried their best to cover for him. Telling Clay repeatedly that his father did care for him but he was busy with work. But as time went on Clay learned the truth, Ash had wanted nothing to do with him. He was only interested if he was useful for him. However, his hatred for Ash only increased when he learned that Ash had not only abandoned him but also had betrayed the brotherhood to which he said was the reason why he had left him.

There were a lot of Seals who hated him only because of his last name. Being a Spenser in the Seals felt like walking a very thin tightrope over a volcano with the rope burning.

But he didn't care what people said about him or what they thought about him. He knew that he had everything to prove with no certainty of getting anyway. He knew that there were going to be people who did everything in their power to stop him from getting what he wanted.

Even making it into the Seals had been hard enough but it hadn't been his end goal. He wanted to be the best like always but there was more to it. He needed to fix what his father had done. He could rub out his father's betrayal but he could make sure that the name Spenser wasn't black washed as someone who can't be trusted. He needed to be better than his father, and he needed others to see that he was nothing like Ash. He was better than the man who had destroyed the brotherhood. He was better.

After his mind was made up about going to Green Team, he went at it. Even when he was with Team three, he pushed himself harder and harder to be better than anyone else and after losing Richard and failing to protect his team leader he knew that he needed to be trained better. And the only place that would happen was Green team. He knew that if he made it then he would be the youngest Tier One Operator in history. But he knew that there were going to be a lot of operators that weren't going to be happy with him because of his age. Even his old commanding officer had warned him that he might not get far due to his age. But that wasn't going to stop him. He had set his mind to being a Tier One Operator and no one was going to stop him.

Maybe that was why he had pushed himself so much during Green Team and it hadn't been until Brian had told him where he was going wrong did he realise that he had created such a strong shield that he had completely hid who he really was. After that conversation and a few long conversations that he had with Adam, he had finally worked out who he was and who he was going to become. He was becoming a Tier One Operator.

The one thing that he found when he finally finished Green Team and became a member of Bravo was that not only had he become one of the top operators but he had also found a family. It was then that he realised something. Something that he hadn't seen before. The brotherhood meant that he was never alone. He would always have someone watching his back no matter what happened.

He knew that he wouldn't be able to operate forever but he had promised himself that he would continue to help people. He had thought about what he would do if he couldn't operate anymore. Maybe move up the ladder inside the Navy, making sure that other men and women like him were looked after. Or maybe retire and go into the security firms. Help those who couldn't help themselves. Maybe even return home and help the mayhem that was happening. As long as he could help.

But right now, all he wanted to do was to curl up into the smallest ball he could and lock the world out. He couldn't deal with the what-ifs anymore. He knew that he had escaped death so many times and had lived to tell about it that he knew he was maybe running out of that luck. Should he really risk it anymore?

But that was stupid, all his life he had seen the violence and the pain other people could cause on others. He had witnessed his grandfather be beheaded right in front of him. His friend's body after he had been beaten, raped and his throat cut. Friends cut down by a hail of bullets. His teammates been blown up, shot, stabbed and killed all around him. Richard deaths...Brian's death...Adam's….Swanny's….

All this death around him and for some reason he could still see the good in people. He knew that it was stupid and maybe a little childish but he could. His Grandmother had always told him that there is always light when darkness is present. And that was something he always remembered. But he also knew that if someone kept themselves in the dark then over time, it would leak into them. And that was what scared him the most.

That he would become like those monsters that kept him up at night.

Nightmares were a consent thing for him, not that he let anyone else know that piece of information. He had a feeling that Jason knew about them but thankfully he never came out and asked him about them. Instead, Jason was there for him. In the background but there in case he needed him. He knew that looking at his team leader as a father was a bad idea and one that he was doing his best not to do. Mainly because he didn't know what he would do if he lost Jason. He had already lost so many people who were important in his life. He couldn't lose Jason. So he did his best to distance himself from the rest of Bravo.

However that never lasted, Bravo was his family and from what they had told him, that meant they were here to stay. They became his home.

He felt safe. And maybe for the first time in so long, he knew that he was safe with them. Maybe for the first time since he had lost Richard and maybe a little bit more. Bravo had created their own little world inside of DEVGRU and whilst the other teams were often involved, Bravo often went off on their own. During Green Team, Adam had told him that being part of a team meant that he would find his forever family. That when they invited another person to join that family then they were welcomed with open arms by not only the team but also their families.

Yes, he had started off a little rocky with some of his brothers. Not all of them but a few. He had also made sure that he built a strong connection with the rest of the support teams as well. They were also his family. But also because they were their lifeline out there and if he was to protect his new family then he needed to know that they were all safe. That was his job after all. To protect his brothers.

But now, he was broken. He was no use to them anymore.

What good was he to them when he couldn't stop his hands from shaking? Or when he couldn't sleep an hour before waking up sweating from another one of his nightmares? Or keep focused on something without his mind replaying some of the horror scenes he had witnessed?

Even after his breakdown with Jason, he knew that he couldn't hide any longer. He needed to work out what he was going to do with his life. He loved Bravo. All of them. Jason and Ray both held a fatherly figure in his life, Trent was the worried older brother, Sonny was the fun brother and Brock was the brother that was always there for him with an open ear if he needed to talk without judgement.

And yet, he could easily put them all into danger if he returned. He had buried brothers in the past but he didn't know what he would do if he had to bury one of them. He would more likely crack and run. Running was one of the few things that he hated doing but at the same time, he had done it so many times in his life that he knew that he could do it if he had too. He had run from the war in Liberia, he had run from South Africa, he had run from his old team after losing his team leader, he could run from Bravo if he had too. Right?

It would hurt to leave them. Hell, it would cut him so deep that he knew that he would never fully recover from the pain but at the same time he was sparing them the same pain of losing a brother because of him. They all had families outside the Navy, maybe some closer than others but they were still their family. Their blood. And they didn't need him messing up and getting one of them sent home in a box.

No, he would leave to stop that.

But at the same time, he wasn't ready to leave them. Adam's voice kept playing over and over inside his head. Family...Team….Family...Team. God did he miss Adam. He would know what to say without having to say too much. It was what he loved about him, some of the other instructors had joked to him when they had been training together that he reminded them so much of Adam. And to be truthful, he had learned so much from the man. To be a better Seal, an operator, a brother and a man. He was so thankful. He could never repay him for that. And now he never would.

He had often gone to Adam's grave to talk to him when he needed to voice his problems and going to Adam always helped. He had become someone who meant so much to him in only a short period of time that it was scary to think too much about him. Mainly because it hurt so much that he had to witness his mentor's horrific death. Then Ray to say that he had been the reason for Adam coming home made his pain only worse. He had been the reason for Adam's death, he had slowed them down. And it had cost them Bravo One. It didn't matter what anyone said to him, Adam's death was on him. And he would carry that to the end of his life.

All he could do was try to be the best man that he could be to make Adam proud. And he hoped he had done that.

Thinking about Adam had reminded him that life was never a guarantee and that he needed to live each day like it was his last. But at the same time, he didn't know if he could do that anymore. Living day by day. Without ever looking to the future. Maybe it was time to do that. Look to the future, whatever that may be.