AN: This story as it exists on technically falls under the "Massive X-Over" category which is why it is here. The X-overs themselves don't really matter, this will primarily be a more or less original story and everything else will be mostly referential as the beginning of this story should be. At most expect maybe two or three characters from the same story… unless something crazy happens. This is taking place in an original world so not everything associated with a character that appears will exist. For example, if Mario shows up that doesn't mean the Mushroom Kingdom, Bowser, or yoshis exist. Honestly, I'm still not sure what I will and won't keep in, so we'll learn together.

I say more or less original because already I stole the idea off of a featured Tumblr post I saw on iFunny and I'm sure this exact story exists in some capacity in other places. Hell, there might be a, or multiple, story(ies) like the one I'm writing right now that exist here. If that's the case… well, I don't particularly care, I won't stop writing this and I hope this ends up different from whatever pre-existing story there is.

That aside, if you're here you read the description and think what's going to happen is cool. I want this to be a primarily humorous story with dark, bordering on genuinely evil elements. I want the MC to be unaware of the fact that despite his unfair beginning he's turning into a disgusting human being. You'll see as I go along. Though, this story like all of my stories isn't planned out far into the future. I just have a bunch of cool scenes and ideas that I hope to make a reality with some sort of story connecting them. Without further ado, let's start this thing.


Chapter 1: Murder is a Great Way to Get Things Started

Kellam Rex came from a long and distinguished line of potato farmers. Sure, no one outside a five-mile radius may have heard of them, but it's always good to have a positive self-image. Kellam's father Beelzebob often regaled his young son with wondrous stories about the big sales his ancestors had made.

"Your great-great-great-grandfather Malfearion once sold an entire harvest's worth of crops to a traveling merchant." He would say. "That's over 100 potatoes! They say those potatoes made it all the way over to the nearest town and that people there might have eaten them! We've never seen anything like that before or after."

Kellam ate it up. He loved those stories and his young eyes would always sparkle in amazement whenever his father told them. He could not wait until he was old enough to properly farm!

Unfortunately, life is rarely a wonderful as a bedtime story. When his parents died at eighteen due to an unfortunate potato related accident Kellam did not allow himself to fall to depression. His father's dying words will forever be etched into his very soul.

"Kellam!" Beelzebob wheezed as he tried to speak through the blood gurgling up his throat. "Take care of your five-year-old sister for me. Tragica might be blind, missing one of her feet, and have a terrible stutter, but with you raising her I have no worries."

Beelzebob was interrupted by a hacking cough that sent massive amounts of blood just… everywhere.

"Take care of the potatoes, Kellam. You have great things in your future, I know it. Maybe you can sell over 200 potatoes at once! Become the greatest of us all!"

With one last bloody wheeze, Beelzebob fell silent and died. Then and there Kellam vowed to honor his father's wishes and to avoid steep paths while holding a sack of potatoes. As for his mother… there was not enough of her left to bury.

It's been two years since that horrible day and Kellam could be found inside his living room putting the covers on some medium sized clay pots. He then stood up and surveyed the room, drinking in his accomplishment.

For the past two years, Kellam had worked tirelessly in order to expand the potato farm. After the death of his parents, the villagers had tried to help as much as they could, but when it came to working the farm Kellam always refused help.

"They've entrusted me this place." Kellam would say. "I have within me their hopes and dreams and the hopes and dreams of all of my ancestors before me. It would not be right if anyone other than a Rex worked this land, so please, leave it be."

His passionate response to their offers quelled any and all arguments the villagers had, so they left him to his farm. Now, his passion was paying off.

The entire left side of the room was packed with medium sized clay pots filled with potatoes. A whole eight pots! Err… you see the room was rather small… anyway, by Kellam's estimation, he had almost 250 potatoes stored up that he could sell. It also seemed like the gods where basking him in their favor as just the night before a stranger in a red tunic had entered the town. Kellam hoped to sell the potatoes to the said stranger, after all, who doesn't like potatoes? In doing so he would surpass great-great-great-grandfather Malfearion and be forever remembered in the annals of his family history!

Kellam sighed in contentment at the thought before walking out the front door to appreciate the beautiful sunset. The twin suns Wodebago and Pifanarna turned the sky a soft orange as they descended beyond the horizon.

"This is it, father. I can feel it, tomorrow will change everything! I hope you and ma and everyone else up there are smiling down on me."

With one last prayer Kellam tucked his sister in with a bedtime story before going to sleep himself. He would need his rest if he wanted to make the sale.


Breakfast the next morning was typical as far as Kellam was concerned. It consisted of some eggs traded by the local poultryman and some home fries. The twenty-year-old male prepared the meal as he had a thousand times before just like his mother taught him before waking up Tragica with breakfast in bed.

Given her condition… conditions Kellam always made it a point to feed his now seven-year-old sister each of her meals despite the fact that she has proven that she could feed herself. She might protest the treatment, but Kellam could tell she loved it. After their parents had died Tragica refused to eat for several days. It got to the point that Kallem began to fear that she was trying to starve herself to death to join them. It took him force-feeding her the same meal he was serving her now for the then five-year-old to snap out of it. He has not stopped since.

As sweet little Tragica enjoyed her scrumptious meal of eggs and potatoes the siblings her a loud crash come from the living room.

Kellam practically jumped his feet. "Tragica, stay here and stay quiet."

"B-b-b-but K-k-k-kell, what i-i-i-if-"

Kellam shushed her before she could finish. "Don't worry Tragica, you're big brother is strong. Nothing is going to happen, I promise."

Another crash and an odd yell spurred the potato farmer into action. "Tragica, hide under your bed and don't come out until I tell you." was his last instruction before entering the living room.

The sight that greeted Kellam was not one he was prepared for. Inside of his home was the very man he had hoped to sell his potatoes to swinging around a golden sword and destroying the pots that were filled with potatoes. Dread pooled in the young adult's life as the stranger yelled a very loud-


-while picking up one of the pots and violently smashing it against the wall. Not only was it bad enough that he was destroying the pots Kellam had made with his own hands, but the red-garbed stranger was somehow making the potatoes disappear. Kellam watched in dismay as his hard work literally dissolved before his very eyes.


The pink-haired teen's pointy ears twitched before he turned to face the proprietor with an odd, not-quite-present stare, before dismissing him and picking up another pot to throw.


When the stranger smashed the pot he had grabbed Kellam lost it. No longer wary or allowing his confusion about the entire situation to hold him back Kellam marched up to the stranger, grabbed him by the collar, and spun him around.

"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" He bellowed into the teenager's face.

Kellam's only response was that same odd stare before the stranger's eyes hardened. Sword to his throat Kellam could not tell you what happened in that next moment. All he knows is that one second he was manhandling the stranger and the next he was embedded in his living room wall with, at the very least, a fractured skull.

Kellam's eyesight faded in and out as he tried to figure out what the hell just happened to him. All the while he could distantly hear, 'Great, something's wrong with my hearing too,' the sound of the rest of his pots being smashed.

Anger and frustration welled up within Kellam causing a painful tightness in his chest. As he struggled to get back to his feet hot tears began to pool in his eyes.

'This fucker walks into MY house and destroys all of MY hard work as if it was nothing? I was going to sell those to you dammit!'

Just as he got to his feet and the world stopped spinning it suddenly froze. Kellam watched in horror as the psychopath walked into his sister's room. A million ways things could go bad went through Kellam's head before a million ways to put a stop to the stranger did the same thing. Spurred by the strength he did not know he possessed Kellam grabbed a large shard of clay and followed the stranger.

Upon entering a small part of Kellam was relieved that his sister had not been found yet, instead, the stranger seemed to be looking for more pots to destroy. Moving silently to avoid detection Kellam got within arm's reach of the stranger and drove the sharp shard into the stranger's neck. The pink haired psychopath had no time to react as his spine was severed and his throat was pierced, he was dead less than a second later.

When his attacker went limp, so did Kellam; the adrenaline that had fueled him left him burned out and entering the realm of unconsciousness. He collapsed at the same time the dead man did.


In her short life, Tragica had learned how to function in spite of her disadvantages. No sight? No problem! Her senses of smell, touch, and hearing had filled the gap her lack of sight left, besides, she had been born that way, it's not like she could miss her sight. Tragica was more than able to navigate her four-room home, her missing foot made that slightly difficult, but Tragica loved hopping! And if she was tired, she could always crawl. Who cares if she got dirty? That's what baths are for!

Her stutter was the only real problem. It on its own was more than enough reason for the five other villagers close to her age to make fun of her leaving her quite friendless, but that didn't matter! She had her big brother! Sure she had never actually seen him, but she knew he was big and strong, he smelled really nice, and his rough hands distantly reminded her of their dead parents. He never complained about her stutter no matter how long it took to say even the simplest of things.

When she heard a stranger come into their house Tragica had never been more scared. Hiding under her bed and not knowing what was happening made everything worse. When there was a huge bang Tragica had to cover her mouth in order to not scream.

'It's okay. It's okay. Big brother Kell will beat him up. I know it!' was Tragica's mantra as she tried to not make any kind of noise.

But then the stranger walked into her room. She had hoped for a moment that it was her big brother, but there was no way. Kellam's footsteps were much heavier than this stranger's. It was not him.

Suddenly Tragica could not feel anything. It was as if she had been wiped from existence and left to float in an endless, unfeeling void. She could not breathe. Then it stopped, she was real again, and one thought dominated her mind.


As if the gods above had heard her Tragica could hear her brother's sandaled feet enter the room and approach where the stranger had gone. Seconds later there were two heavy thumps as Kellam and the stranger fell to the ground.

'Oh no… Kell. Oh no. Kell.' Tragica had no way of knowing what had actually happened and she was not stupid enough to go out and check. What if the stranger was still awake? Or worse, what if the stranger had somehow knocked out her brother?

A full minute passed before Tragica was comfortable with getting out from under the bed to check on her brother. She had heard his breathing for a while now, so at least she knew he was alive, what scared her now, was that she could not hear the stranger's breathing.

Tragica felt the ground until she found her brother. Her first instinct was to try and wake him up, after all, there was barely any time that she spent awake and without her brother. Sometimes, when she was having a nightmare, she would even sleep with him! So Tragica started poking his cheek, pulling his eyelids, pinching his nose, and tugging on his ears. When none of that worked the seven-year-old contemplated taking extreme wake-up measures, but when she had been poking and prodding her brother she had touched something that scared her.

A quick sniff and a lick confirmed her fears. "You're b-b-b-bleeding K-k-k-kell." Tragica whispered.

Now Tragica wanted to cry… so she did. Her big brother was hurt and was not waking up. The stranger was not moving or breathing and the smell of blood was getting stronger and stronger in the room.

Tragica cried and cried. Big, fat tears soaked her face and snot soon mixed in. Hopelessness was setting in as the minutes passed and Kell did not wake up. As her throat started to hurt and her sobs began to sound tinny Tragica screamed her dearest wish to the world.


Once again the world seemed to listen to her, but this time Tragica could feel that it was more than just divine intervention. A great big… something welled up within her and burst forth into her tiny room and then into her big brother. A moment later Kellam awoke with a gasp. It all happened so fast that Tragica did not notice that for the first time in her life she had not stuttered whilst speaking.

"Wh-what just happened? Tragica? Oh, gods where is that guy-"

Kellam's mouth and mind were having trouble connecting and his jumbled thoughts just tried to get out. He was calmed slightly when he saw his beautiful little sister kneeling over him, but that drove him to find the intruder. When he did, he had trouble continuing to speak.

The pink haired criminal was lying a huge pool of his own blood. Kellam had killed a man.


The rest of Kell's day was… stressful. The first thing he had to do was get Tragica to relax. That took a bath, a long hair brushing, a story, and even putting the girl to sleep in his bed. Once that hour-long process was he could finally sit down and bemoan the fact that his little sister, already so unfairly treated by life, was going to be scarred for the rest of her life… more. Hell, he knew he had not actually dealt with what had happened, but right now there was a body slowly rotting in a pool of its own blood in his sister's bedroom that he had to deal with.

Standing over the dead body Kellam took a moment to take in the dead man's strange garb. What he thought was a simple red tunic upon closer inspection was some sort of high-quality mail armor worn over a green tunic. His hat was purple, but that didn't seem to mean anything besides the fact that the dead man had an atrocious sense of fashion. Even Kellam who had only owned a few pairs of clothing all of which were brown knew those colors clashed horribly. Upon the man's hands were these terribly gaudy golden metal gloves.

"You would think these would be gauntlets, but…" Kellam's curiosity was too great and he pulled one of the gloves off. "It… fits, but it doesn't go further than my wrist… how odd, his hands are smaller than mine… Do they belong to an armor set that this guy stole it from? A thief like him? Probably." Kellam's eyes drifted to the equally gaudy golden sword and lifted it up for inspection. "He probably took this sword at the same time… beast."

Kellam could not help himself. This man clearly owned some incredibly valuable items, "Besides," he said to himself as he started rooting through the corpse, "This fucker tried to kill me. Who knows what he woulda done to Tragica. At the very least he probably woulda taken all our stuff. Let's consider this… a damage fee."

Not wanting to deal with the blood-soaked mail or shield Kellam reached for a medium sized bag that was hooked onto the pink-haired man's belt. A shake near his ear did not reveal anything so Kellam reached into the bag.

"Gods above!" The twenty-year-old yelped before jerking his hand back as quickly as possible. 'Is… no… is this bigger on the inside?"

Tentatively Kellam put his hand back into the bag and started to feel around for something… anything.

"Is it empty?" he asked the wind when he felt nothing. Kellam put the bag by his ear and shook it once more. "No, there's definitely something in there. I can hear. This bag has weight."

Unable to think of a better solution than his first one Kellam simply opened the bag and dumped out its contents on Tragica's bed.

"Dear gods above!" He screamed as a deluge of items spilled onto and off of the bed.

Like a kid when one of those traveling merchants had toys Kellam was too excited by the insane amount of items available to him. He was pretty sure he had never had this many things in his entire life!

Reaching for the first thing that caught is eye Kellam picked up a large red cape. "What do you do?" He threw it over his shoulder and waited to see if anything happened. "...nothing eh? At least you're comfortable."

Kellam quickly snuck into his room where Tragica slept and hung up the cape up on the old rickety coat rack his father made some twenty years ago. He then grabbed a large empty chest he used to use for storage before buying a dresser from the town carpenter and quietly brought it to his new treasure trove.

"Now I have a good place to put all of this stuff." Next on the docket were what had to be wands. "Huh, I guess he knew magic of some sort, glad he didn't use it when he kicked my ass… or his sword for that matter. Wait!"

Kellam reached up and ran his hand around his head and face in an effort to find the horrible scabs that had crusted over his wounds while he slept only to find nothing.

"What?" His skin was perfectly smooth as if he had never been attacked in the first place. "Something's not right… it's been more than an hour since I woke up. There's no way my wounds healed that quickly… unless…" Kellam's eyes widened at the idea.

He proceeded to aggressively flick and swish the red and white wands while almost yelling magical words, "Abracadabra! Magadabuk! Uhh… Open Sesame! Fire! Attack! Magic to me?" once again nothing happened.

"Well, it wasn't me… maybe my wounds weren't that bad. Who knows, all that matters is that I'm better now." Kellam tossed the wands into the trunk. "Not like I can do magic anyway."

A blue cane had stayed on the bed while a red one had fallen off of it. "These two are probably magic too. Who was this guy?" Without any way of possibly learning the answer, Kellam simply shrugged and threw the canes into the trunk with the wands.

Kellam then hefted a medium-sized hammer. "This seems quite normal, but still odd. Why is the head so huge?" He gave the hammer a few test swings. "Wow, it's quite light." A wide swing showed off the hammer's destructive power by completely destroying one of the posts of his sister's bed. "Well then… I will use this with caution." Kellam then ran out to the small shed his family had used as a workshop for… ever as far as he was concerned, and gingerly placed the hammer onto the workbench.

"Alright, what's next… ahah! A fine bow. And what's this?" The twenty-year-old marveled at the quiver full of silver arrows. "Good gods, there has to be… 70 or so arrows in here! I guess he hunted werewolves as well… that's impressive."

Monsters and evildoers were apparently commonplace in this land, but Kellam, as well as the rest of the town, had only heard stories about them from traveling merchants. Their little town existed in an empty grassy plain and they had not suffered any sort of attack in all of their extremely boring history.

Back to the items, Kellam found some sort of hook and chain weapon, but when it fired and made a hole in the wall he decided to put it into the chest with the magic items.

"Ooh, a red boomerang. I had one of these when I was little!" A boomerang was not a badass golden sword, but if he was bored Kellam reasoned he could give it a toss.

There was also a shovel, a bug-catching net, a weird flute, a lantern, an odd pair of blue sandal-like footwear Kellam had never seen before, and a bunch of empty bottles. All useful items in one way or another, "Really that just means I can save some potatoes for profit instead of trading them for goods… dammit, which I really need to do since the damn stranger destroyed our harvest." he kicked the now cold corpse out of frustration.

Kellam hated the idea of bargaining without having something to trade. That meant being in debt to someone and no Rex should ever be a debtor! Kellam shivered violently at a thought. 'Fuck, I know exactly how Marcy will collect on the debt… gotta see if old Besheba will babysit for the day…'

Kellam dismissed the unfortunate brain train and picked up three golden medallions with little designs on each of them. "I have no idea what these do, but I bet it's something magical." He did not toss the medallions into the chest though, instead, he hung them up on the wall in the living room. They looked nice.

There were a bunch of bombs. "Nope." Into the chest.

There was a book in a language Kellam could not read. "Into the chest with you!"

"A mirror that can fit into my hand? Amazing!" Kellam was not a vain man, but he liked the way he looked always made an effort to bathe at least once a week.

The last item was another pouch. "For my own sanity, please have something normal… it's powder? Weird… like everything I suppose." Seeing no purpose for the powder Kellam put it into the trunk and finally closed the lid.

"Yes!" the man cheered before looking at the body on the ground. "Now what do I do with you?"


Not wanting to deal with the situation by himself Kellam made the short run to town and sought out Tom, an ex-royal army officer and had retired to the town about ten years ago. Since then he has been the go-to man to settle disputes and acted as an unofficial magistrate for the tiny town.

Kellam practically broke down the man's door.

"Tom! I need your help."

"Good gods boy, ye' couldn't knock?" The elderly man yelled from his position on his comfy armchair.

"Tom, this is serious. I- I killed someone." Kellam confessed.

Tom's saggy old man face suddenly gained a hard edge. "Killed someone did ye' lad? I suppose ye' were defending ye' hearth is ye' felt confident enough to come to me about it."

Kellam nodded furiously. "Yes, sir. It was that foreigner-"

"That weirdo? No surprise there lad. One look at him and I knew deep in me bones that something wasn't right wit 'im. Touched in the head 'e was."

Kellam nodded again and took a deep breath before explaining in detail what had occurred in his home a few short hours ago.

"Hmm, hmm, well, nothing to worry about then. Right? Ye' defended yerself and saved ye' sister. I'm just mad I can't cut 'im up meself." was Tom's thoughtful answer.

"So… I'm not in any trouble."

"No boy, yer fine. Go home, take care of yer sister, and sleep well lad." Tom said before turning to the book he had been reading in silent dismissal.

"Thanks, Tom! There are free potatoes in your future. Thank you!" Kellam yelled as he left the small house and returned home, his heart much lighter.


AN: Sorry that the ending is a bit abrupt, but I realized I was heading into a brand new direction with the next segment and that I had to separate into its own chapter or this one would end up WAY too long. Fair warning, next chapter might be a bit boring because I plan to spend most of it establishing the town/settlement that Kellam and his family lives in as well as all of the people that live in it. I don't know how much I will get to, but I also plan on doing some actual world-building. This is definitely a medieval fantasy setting, but I don't know anything beyond that. I do know that I don't plan to include any game elements into this so no dungeons.

Oh, a tidbit that goes along with the premise of this story though (SPOILERS MAYBE) Kellam Rex will most likely never leave town. Part of the point of this is that people will keep coming to him unprompted by his own actions. Maybe I'll shift POV into a character and see them leave town. I don't know. There's a shit tone I have to think about for this story and a lot of it won't matter for some time so I won't worry about it or make any promises right now.

So please tell me what you think! This is a category I have never submitted to before and I don't really read X-overs since they tend to be messy. This is much closer to an original story except that there will be a shit ton of references to various fandoms, like Link from A Link to the Past in this chapter. Maybe Mario will show up and get murdered, Smaus shows up and gets turned into a concubine… the possibilities are endless! And even with names characters from well-known fandoms they probably won't be anything like they are normally.

Samus is a great example of what I will probably be doing. Samus will still be a bounty hunter, but unless this story goes INSANE she won't be a spacefaring one. Instead, she'll be a product of genetic engineering and magic. So she'll still be part bird, but her arm laser will be fueled by magic and her armor will be all runic and shit, in short, all of her abilities will have a magical explanation instead of sci-fi. I don't know how much of a personality Samus has since I only know her through Smash, but… well her personality can still be more or less the same. Instead of spaceships, they can be normal ships. Ripley… Ripley is fine, in fact, most of her enemies, even Mother Brain, are still up for grabs, they'll just be monsters instead of aliens.

Err… Mario might be a better example? Except that I can keep the mushroom kingdom exactly the same if I wanted to.

UGH! Whatever. I hope you get the idea.

Leave a thoughtful review and tell me what you think. Also, I need help with the title, I don't know what to call this.