6Right, so I was rewatching the series and episode 3 of season 2 was mega-frustrating because I knew what it would turn the story into and, good freaking grief, I could not handle it.
So, this one-shot is my outlet. Because BBC Merlin(disclaimer) is not my property, belongs to its respective owners, and is not something I can physically attack.
… There is also a rant at the end of this chapter. It's not important. Or entirely coherent.
Also, this is strictly a one-shot, but the second chapter is a bunch of blurbs I cut from the final draft but didn't have the heart to erase from existence, or hide away.
X
"We are spinning our own fates, good or evil, and never to be undone."
(William James)
x
It was late and Merlin was tired - tired of thinking about Morgana and her magic, tired of Gaius and his wise old man talk, and he was especially tired of the Dragon and his stupid demands and arrogant fake wisdom and- and-
"Protect Arthur, Merlin. I'm always right, Merlin. You gotta make sacrifices, Merlin. Don't you want to make a better world, Merlin?" He hadn't even gone to the Dragon for help in regards to Morgana and he was hearing that stupid lizard's advice.
He huffed, pausing in his armor cleaning to glare at a candle flame. It was dancing and weightless and Merlin could swear it was mocking him. A flare of magic was all it took to extinguish it.
"Maybe I should just push everyone off a high tower and be done with it," he muttered. The Dragon's words came to mind again and he sighed. "Everyone except Arthur, that is."
Suddenly, he didn't like having that flame cut out so easily. Where was the challenge? What was the point? Another flare of magic and he knew his eyes flashed gold, even if he didn't see it and that brought to mind Morgana again and how her eyes must do the same even if she didn't know it. Which brought up just how tired and annoyed he was.
In the blink of an eye, it wasn't just one candle being lit, it was all of them.
Merlin took one look around and groaned.
Candle by candle, he manually blew out the lights and tried to let the simplicity of the task numb his worries. Most of one side finished, he moved to other, grimacing faintly at how warm the room was now.
It was when he'd gotten started on blowing out the lights on the table, hand cupped around the flames to keep any of Gaius' books from catching fire - it wouldn't hurt to be careful - that the handle on the door snapped up.
Gaius isn't supposed to be back yet.
And it wasn't Gaius at the door, a flash of dark hair was evidence enough of that. The door opened and his speculation was cut short as Morgana slipped in, her pace speeding up at the sight of him.
"Is Gaius here?"
Merlin blinked, still confused and entirely unable to keep from staring at just how pale and drawn the King's Ward had become. "Uh," he caught himself, blinking rapidly and panicking just a little as his thoughts from earlier came rushing back. "No." The closer she got, the clearer her tears became and the faster Merlin talked. "He's not here at the moment. He should be back soon though."
"I need to speak to him," she said just as quickly, "where is he?"
She was crying. Merlin didn't know how to handle crying. Arthur didn't cry. It was the one thing he didn't do. "Heee's gone to see the King."
There in front of him was a side of Morgana he was not prepared for. How did one handle a noblewoman (any woman, really) that was terrified and terribly desperate for answers to make that fear go away?
It was safe to say Merlin did not know and, if Morgana hadn't been so desperate, the rapid eye movement and premature opening of his mouth whenever he had to speak would have made that obvious to her. But maybe that desperation wasn't the point? Maybe she could simply tell he was the one with the answers she needed?
Either way, her panic was making Merlin panic.
But he made a noble effort of swallowing it down. "What's wrong?"
Her throat worked and she must have finally seen how unprepared he was because she jerked her chin away, staring towards the leech tank. She moved, just a bit, but it was enough to draw her into his shadow.
Merlin frowned. He may have been just a servant, but he thought they were friends. "You can trust me, Morgana."
Maybe it was a touch too forceful, because she looked at him in surprise, candle glow glinting off pale eyes.
"You know you can," he added, gentler, calmer.
There was a moment of struggle in which she mouthed words Merlin would be lying if he said he could decipher. Not that he didn't try, but the attempts just left him with a mounting anxiousness as her silence seemed to last far too long.
"I'm scared, Merlin," she said finally, voice soft and not quite pleading. Morgana was staring at him intently. "I don't understand anything anymore. I need to know what's happening."
Those were not the words he had been expecting.
Something along the lines of 'I think I have magic' would have been more plausible, or maybe a 'you're a good friend' and then a fake, reassuring smile that told him she was sorry, but would rather not talk to him about it.
Morgana had never struck him as vulnerable before.
He swallowed.
"Please," she pressed, like she knew he could help her.
Merlin hesitated. Truth be told, he was scared too. Sure, he saved Arthur's life well enough, but there had been so many times that his "help" had only made situations worse. What if Gaius was right and nothing good would or could come of it? Would he be digging a grave for two? "Gaius will be back soon and he will be able to help you-"
"He won't." Their gazes still locked, Morgana took a step forward and he a step back, further into the side of the room that had been emptied of candlelight. "I don't want any more remedies," she said quickly, "they won't do any good."
His back was to the side of the room that was nearly unlit and hers was to the dozens of candles he hadn't gotten around to extinguishing. There was something heavy lying in the air around them as they stared at each other.
"It's magic, Merlin," she whispered, that forbidden word all power in itself.
"What?"
"I'm your friend, you know I wouldn't make this up." Her hair bounced and her head shook once, twice, eyes bright with something more along the lines of fervor than tears.
He was nodding, "of course," trying to be supportive as panic whipped his thoughts into a whirlwind.
"Then you believe me?" She was so hopeful, on the brink of profound relief.
He searched for something to say, something that wouldn't ruin what little sanctuary she was looking for, something that wouldn't be a lie - because he couldn't lie to her - and something that wouldn't be a commitment when he was still so unsure.
Her eyes widened, heavy and shining with too much emotion. "You think it's magic, too?" It was more statement than question, but she still wanted him to say it. "Please, Merlin," she inhaled sharply, voice threatening to crash and shatter on the floor between them. "I just need to hear someone say it, so I don't have to keep feeling like I'm imagining it."
Merlin tried to reel his panic in, to organise his thoughts and think of what to do. Yet for some reason, all he could think about were those candles he'd accidentally lit and that, if he were a superstitious man, he wouldn't at all like how they were positioned in the room.
Her back to the light, with him all that was standing between her and the shadows.
There was a cord in the room, tension like that of a storm about to break or a game about to start. She had played her piece and now the turn was his, they were setting a foundation.
An important decision was about to be made and he wasn't entirely certain as to why or what it would mean. All he could think about was Gaius and his Mother. They wanted so badly for him to be safe, and surely his exposure would only put them in danger.
Arthur too-even without considering their supposed destinies-needed Merlin to be safe. The prat literally couldn't survive without him. Saving his life was really the only thing that Merlin did with continued success, fortunately or unfortunately.
Morgana was waiting, gaze teetering between hope and fear, but painfully expectant all the same.
Merlin hated snap decisions. The fifth heartbeat passed though and the young man breathed in, still unable to think.
He had to refuse. He had to. He was supposed to.
Two more rapidfire heartbeats and he breathed in, ready to exhale a sentence that he felt forced to say.
"I-"
Something stopped him, the exhale catching in his throat before the first syllable was free. As Arthur would suggest, maybe it was his brain dusting itself off or a semblance of common sense kicking in, but Merlin suddenly realised there was no harm in being honest with her, in believing in her. It's not like he had to reveal anything.
The pause had her leaning forward and he let the new words take the place of the old.
"It's magic," he breathed, quiet and more frightened than he ever had been.
The relief that relaxed the lines of her face was like a balm, he saw the tension leave her shoulders and blinked rapidly at how she let the tears fall. Then her head was shaking and a humourless laugh jumped from her lips. "Magic," she whispered.
She looked lost suddenly, tensing up again and taking a hurried step back. Her eyes were flicking over his face, but he wasn't sure if she was really seeing him. "Magic," she said again, far less relieved now.
"It's nothing to be afraid of," Merlin said quickly, hands waving as if the motion would make the situation better. "Uther's wrong-" He stopped, pressing his teeth together because if he kept going on he'd say too much before he even realised what exactly too much was.
"Nothing to be afraid of," Morgana repeated incredulously. "The window, the vase-" She stopped. That the list was longer and not just limited to her went unsaid. "You can't honestly expect me to believe that," she finished.
"It's dangerous, yes, but it's still a part of you." Her mouth opened and Merlin found himself talking faster. "I know a lot has happened and that it might seem like all magic does is hurt people, but it doesn't. It's so much more than a weapon. It can be good."
Morgana's expression was suddenly indecipherable as she studied him again, gaze flicking between his eyes. "Do you really believe that?"
Gaius was going to kill him. He could practically hear the old man now, harping about Merlin's stupidity and complete lack of self-preservation. "Do you think at all, Merlin?!" would probably be the first words out of the physician's mouth.
But so what if he was giving too much away? Would it really be so bad to have a friend in the castle who understood?
Merlin met the silent challenge in her unwavering gaze. "I know it," he said. Distantly, he realised for the first time how much taller he was than her. By a hand, at least.
Something about his words or expression, or maybe it was his stance, made Morgana's eyes widen. Gaping, she took a half-step back, as if the floor beneath her feet had tilted. "Merlin," she breathed.
The realisation was scrawled plainly across her face. She knew.
It didn't bother him as much as he once thought it would. In fact, he felt taller, his shoulders lighter. "You don't have to be alone," Merlin said by way of confirmation.
The candles in the room flickered and he wondered if the lighting looked as dramatic on him as it did her.
Morgana blinked, once, twice, and seemed to sway on the spot. Jolting, Merlin ran past her to snatch at a chair. "You should sit, Milady," he said.
She did and he returned to his spot. The candle closest to them brightened with her inhales and flickered with the exhales. "You're telling the truth?" She asked after the fourth.
It was Merlin's turn to blink. That would be a horrible lie to tell. Rather than saying that though, he grinned and snapped his fingers.
All the candles went out at once and he heard Morgana's sharp inhale. What he assumed was her foot scuffed the floor and, with only a glance this time, that nearby candle on the table beside her flared to life. The glow of its flame only just reached her face.
There was something like awe in her features, but it was not dark enough that Merlin couldn't see the fear too. He tried to ignore that. "Not to sound like a prat, but I'm pretty good," he said. His grin was more of a grimace now though and he angled away from the light, hoping she wouldn't see it.
"Your eyes flashed gold," Morgana whispered with that same frightened wonder in voice as well. "Like a wolf in the dark."
It wasn't a compliment and he sighed. "That's normal. It happens every time we use…" He trailed off with a vague hand wave.
"We," he heard her murmur. Louder, she said, "I never expected-" She stopped, breathed, and tried again. "All my life, I've been taught that magic is evil."
"But it's not," Merlin protested immediately. "It's how people use it that matters. I can't count how many times I've saved Arthur's hide." The last sentence is more of a mutter, but she hears it anyway.
"You must hate Uther then," she said, tone indecipherable.
Merlin scoffed. "Well I don't love him, but he's the King so I can't very well put him on trail, can I?" He paused. "I don't plan on assassinating anyone, milady."
"He would kill you without a second thought. Would kill us."
It was Morgana who said it, the King's own ward. Merlin knew the two hadn't been on the best of terms lately. She was too kind and Uther too ruthless. It was to be expected.
But what she seemed to be suggesting… Just how deep did the grievances go?
It almost hurt him to say it but he did. "Uther isn't evil." Grudgingly, Merlin added, "he thinks he's doing the right thing. I may not like him for it, but I don't want him be killed."
Morgana relaxed, but the laugh she gave was too bitter for his tastes. "Well, Merlin, I'll have to believe you now. If you've had magic all along and still don't want to see Uther die, then clearly it's not the force of evil I've been lead to believe."
"I did tell you," Merlin said, moving to light a few more candles. It was rather spooky now that he thought about it. People would probably jump to weird ideas if they saw them lurking together in the dark like this. Speaking of which… The young warlock frowned. "You should probably go. Gaius won't like it if he knows what I've told you."
"He knows?"
"He's my uncle," he admitted. The desire to share momentarily got the better of him and he added, "Ealdor was putting two and two together about me, so I came here for a fresh start." She opened her mouth but Merlin was shaking his head and moving towards the door. "You really do need to go."
Reluctantly, she stood. Morgana put her hand on the door when he made to open it. She was fixing him with another intent look. "Thank you for telling me, Merlin."
He blinked, then smiled nervously. "What are friends for?"
Morgana returned the smile with a slightly strained version that relaxed the longer she held it; and every time it relaxed, Merlin's grew a little wider; and every time his widened, hers did the same.
Before they knew it, both magic users were smiling in earnest.
"Thank you, Merlin," she said again, softer.
His eyes crinkled. "Anytime."
She seemed to think something over, staring at him for a few long seconds before asking, almost too quick for him to catch, "will you teach me?"
"What?"
"I want to be able to help," Morgana said. "And I'm rather tired of" - she paused, searching for the right word - "accidents."
"I…" He looked away, completely sure that Gaius would demand that he say no.
There was a light touch at his elbow. "Please, Merlin?"
But if he could help her, then he would. "Fine," he sighed. He leveled a stern look in her direction. "But you have to know I might not be able to save you if you get yourself caught."
"I don't expect you to go down with me," she reassured him. A strange light seemed to spark behind her eyes and Merlin found himself bemused by the determination he saw there. "One of us needs to stay alive. We need to teach Arthur that magic can be good. If there's anyone who will return magic to Albion," Morganna said, "it's him."
For a split second, Merlin was certain that the Dragon had gotten to her too. "I know someone you would get along with," he said. She blinked and asked "who?" but he was already forging ahead, nodding and grinning with a sudden exhilaration. "You and I then, Morgana. We can do this. Arthur won't know what hit him!"
The King's ward laughed and he was struck by how different she looked from only moments ago. Seeing her smiling at him like that, pale eyes bright with zeal, Merlin felt a newfound sense of security overtake him.
He wasn't alone. Morgana was there, the warm hand still on his elbow was physical proof of that, and she was going to help him make Arthur the king the land needed him to be. Everything was going to be okay.
For the first time since meeting that stupid Dragon, the young warlock was not worried about failing Albion or Camelot's future king.
Morgana was giving him a quizzical look, but she was still smiling. Merlin, drowning in inexplicable amounts of relief, grinned and laughing said, "sorry, I just feel like I've woken up just in time to avoid the worst nightmare of my life."
-end-
X
Let's face it, Merlin can be an idiot... And as we know, he does nothing in small increments. I was so flaming done with how he handled discovering Morgana's magic and helping her, that- GAH.
/RANT/
Can we take a BLOODY FLAMING MOMENT to acknowledge what a massive screw up the adventure in that episode was?! The whole druid thing did nothing but complicate the matter and get a lot of friendly magic users dead.
And then there was MERLIN, I mean, Merlin's best attribute is his heart and this is the first time that he ultimately puts the opinions of others over what he thinks is right!
Granted, secrecy and all that, but did he really think Morgana would sell him out? Just like she'd tattled on the druid boy, right? I mean, come ON.
The Dragon's suggestion to abandon her was thankfully shelved. Gaius, on the other hand, his belief that caution was the sole reasonable option was born out of fear and an understandable-but primarily selfish-desire to keep Merlin safe!
Which, as I said, is understandable and I can totally relate to wanting to shelter sweet, ole Merlin from harm. But COME ON. This is the lady that gave food to commoners when Camelot was in starvation mode and drinking sand! She is the one person who actively fought Uther on opinions of magic! She helped smuggle a flaming druid out of the magic-hating capital of the world.
Bloody hell, Gaius! Just put Merlin in body-mitten if your so flamin' neurotic about his safety.
*Has vision of a blanket-swaddled Emrys(burrito edition) rolling down a bunch of stairs* … Actually… Just lock him in a room or something.
Back on point: SHE'S TRUSTWORTHY.
And I will forever believe that sending Morgana to that hell of a forest - while terrified for and of herself - all to get wounded; told 'yeah, you gots the magic'; endure a manhunt by people just trying to rescue her; survive said manhunt with the knowledge that an entire camp of peaceful people (who she'd thought she'd spend the rest of her life with) died because of her(not to mention the friendly-almost-friend/aspiring-mentor-dude); AND THEN having it all end right where she'd started. The only gains being trauma and the confirmation of wielding magic, which she could have gotten in so many easier ways.
The episode did nothing but lay the foundation for future strife, which was probably what they were doing, BUT STILL.
/END RANT/
I was so annoyed that I just had to do something. So bam. Thank the gods for creative license.