Because thoughts matter?
x
Extras, for whoever is interested.
Most of these are directions I was going to take at some point, but decided against. The italicised paragraphs of A, B, and C are what I didn't change in the final version and show where these scenes would have been had I used them instead.
X
[Scene A]
It didn't bother him as much as he once thought it would. In fact, he felt taller, his shoulders lighter. "You don't have to be alone," Merlin said, neither confirming nor denying her thoughts.
The candles in the room flickered and he wondered if the lighting looked as dramatic on him as it did her.
Morgana blinked, once, twice, again. The candle closest to them brightened with her deep inhale and flickered with the exhale. "This whole time?" She asked.
"Well, since I was a kid, really," he said, "but yes. This whole time."
Her brows lowered and she looked away from him at last, eyes moving as if reading the air. "Does Arthur-"
"No, and he can't, Morgana. No one can."
At her first name, her eyes flicked back, then away again as soon as he finished. It occured to Merlin then, that he might have made a mistake. If she-
"Does anyone?" She asked suddenly, eyes finding his with surprising urgency.
"No. I mean yes. Gaius knows. He knows about you too." Hastily, he added, "but he thinks you're safer not knowing and" - Merlin gave a helpless sort of shrug - "I wasn't supposed to tell you."
x
[Scene B]
It didn't bother him as much as he once thought it would. In fact, he felt taller, his shoulders lighter. "You don't have to be alone," Merlin said by way of confirmation.
The candles in the room flickered and he wondered if the lighting looked as dramatic on him as it did her.
Morgana blinked, once, twice, again. The candle closest to them brightened with her deep inhale and flickered with the exhale. "This whole time?" She asked.
"Well, since I was a kid, really," he said, "but yes. This whole time." He hesitated before adding, "I'm pretty good at keeping secrets."
Her brows lowered and she looked away from him at last, eyes moving as if reading the air. "But why?" Her eyes found his again. "Why are you here? How can you stand it?"
Merlin shrugged. "It's not so bad. I have Gaius, and Arthur usually has his nose raised too high to notice what's right in front of him."
There was a moment in which the pair debated whether or not that was an appropriate claim to make in current company. Really though, Merlin had said the equivalent to the prince's face and it wasn't like Morgana hadn't done the same in passing.
The latter smiled slightly. "Fair enough," she said. She was frowning in the next second.
x
[Scene C: Original Ending]
The relief that relaxed the lines of her face was like a balm, he saw the tension leave her shoulders and blinked rapidly at how she let the tears fall. Then her head was shaking and a humourless laugh jumped from her lips. "Magic," she whispered.
She looked lost again and he didn't want that, but if he kept going on he'd say too much before he even realised what exactly too much was.
"Thank you."
He blinked, then smiled nervously. "What are friends for?"
Morgana returned the smile with a slightly strained version that relaxed the longer she held it, and everytime it relaxed, Merlin's grew a little wider - and every time his widened, hers did the same.
Before they knew it, both magic users were smiling in earnest.
"Thank you, Merlin," she said again, softer.
His eyes crinkled. "Anytime."
For the first time since entering the room, Morgana noticed the candles. She blinked, mouth quirking first in confusion then amusement. "This… is excessive."
"Ah, uh," he started blowing them out again, as if he could say it hadn't happened if he was quick enough. "There's not as many as you'd think."
A sceptical look that he couldn't see was leveled at the manservant's bent back. "If you say so."
It was maybe a ten minutes later that Merlin realized blowing out the candles had taken less time than he'd expected. He straightened, nodding appreciatively at a work well done. Then he frowned because it wasn't supposed to be work he had to do.
"Thirty-seven."
He started, "what?" Morgana was still there. Why- How had he not noticed that?
"You extinguished thirty-seven candles. Not including the seven unlit ones, of course."
"You counted?"
She smiled.
"Merlin-" Gaius stopped in the doorway, drawn up short at the sight of their guest. "Morgana?"
The smile was smaller, but still there. "I needed someone to talk to," she said quietly.
"Ah." An understanding nod went in her direction and Merlin fancied he saw the old man's gaze soften as he came closer. "Well you'd best get some more rest, my Lady." He eyed her nightclothes pointedly. "And here," he plucked a bottle from the table, moving forward to press it into her hands. "I know you don't want it now, but you might later."
"Thank you, Gaius." She nodded in the younger man's direction. "Merlin."
When the door closed behind her, Gaius leveled his young friend with his patented stare - expectancy with a good dose of premeditated skepticism.
"What did you tell her?"
Merlin blinked. "What makes you think I told her anything?"
"Merlin," he began, the prepared skepticism apparently justified, "one does not relax that much from a silent conversation." His brow raised impossibly higher. "Unless there is something going on that I should know about?"
Face twisting in genuine confusion, the young man straightened. "Like what?"
"Like you've been handing my medicines out like festival sweets?"
"Of course not!"
The physician humphed, "then you told her."
"What? No!"
"Merlin…" The warning was clear.
"She just needed someone to talk to." He added earnestly, "all I did was listen and help her not feel crazy."
The severe brow slant softened and Gaius sighed, waving his hand. "Off to bed with you. We don't want a repeat of the last time you were late for work."
It seemed like a change of subject, but Merlin, more than happy to oblige, muttered a good-natured, "you mean everyday?"
His bedroom door closed, but not before he heard Gaius' genuinely aggravated, "that's exactly what I mean!"
x
[Scene D: Completely New Scene; Morgana POV]
[Picks up after Morgana leaves. Was written for the ending of Scene A.]
Morgana hadn't slept last night, hadn't wanted to risk what little comfort she'd found by waking to another fire or exploding vase. It was magic - or at least Merlin thought it was. While he didn't seem like someone who would know, she couldn't help but trust him. Besides, what else could it be?
But even without another incident, the relief of being sane did not last.
She had magic. All her life, she had been taught that magic was evil, that it turned men foul and, if given the chance, would destroy everything a person should want to protect. Family, friends, neighbors - all in ashes if magic was allowed free reign.
The young woman had grown up wanting to help people, had lived her life trying to help people, but if she had magic… Wasn't it a matter of time before she wanted to hurt them instead?
She thought of the druid boy she'd helped escape, thought of him and his magic wielding people. He hadn't been evil. Surely the other druids weren't either? Did magic not affect children the same? Did it take time to corrupt?
If it were up to Uther, magic would be burned to the root, no matter how young the victim.
And there was another problem: Uther. If he found out… She shuddered every time a possible outcome came to mind. As nice as it would be for her magic to change his ways, for him to spare her and still care for her, Morgana wasn't naive. She knew her death would be all but guaranteed.
Those thoughts spun in her head, a senseless whirlpool of bramble vines that she couldn't escape. Trying to sort through it all, to reason it out, was enough to have her head aching.
She glanced to Gaius' potion, where it sat on her bedside table. The fear had returned, different but the same, and she figured there was no reason to stay awake now that the comfort was gone.
Maybe being executed wouldn't be so bad. It might even be a relief, she thought wryly, placing the empty bottle on the other side of the room, far enough to hopefully prevent an explosion.
Morgana sidled under the warm comforter, her head sinking into the pillow, and sighed. She made to blink, only to fall asleep instead.
That night, she dreamed of a skeleton army swarming the keep, of finding Merlin in a dark tunnel, a sword in her hand and him looking at her with a bone-deep sadness. She felt such anger in that dream, an anger that burned her up as it had the previous nights and made her afraid of herself.
She woke up gasping, oblivious to the cracks spiderwebbing along Gaius' empty bottle and the wall-mounted mirror. The adrenalin left her slowly, but the fear held firm.
The details of the nightmare had faded, but she remembered Merlin's face and the anger - a killing anger - that had held her so firm. Her hand clenched and unclenched, she got the vague impression that she had been holding something and, for some reason, the thought of what it might have been made her feel sick.
It was a feeling she couldn't shake off.
x
[Scene E: Completely New Scene; Merlin POV]
[The next morning. I was going to show how relaxed Merlin now was?]
The next day dawned bright and surprisingly early for the young warlock. He took one glance at the light filtering into his room, knew it was dawn, and tried to snuggle his way back into sleep.
It wasn't working like usual, but that didn't stop him from pretending.
Then he got to thinking about how this was his only Merlin time for the first time in… Well, a while. (Those moments of solitude where he cleaned didn't count - they were For Arthur Time.) He figured he should take advantage of it.
But how?
He sat up, pushing his hair flat as he thought it over. What do I do for fun? That question brought Merlin to an unwelcome realization: his life revolved around taking care of others(read: Arthur).
"Why am I the castle mother?" He asked the strands of morning light that he so rarely saw.
The morning didn't answer, but that was probably just as well.
Tossing the blanket away, he stood, stretching and enjoying the general feeling of being unrushed. He even thought about eating breakfast in his nightclothes - but that thought was quickly dismissed when he remembered that Gaius was out there and more than willing to rush him off to work.
Granted, this was probably the normal time a manservant would get moving. Merlin brushed that aside though. Arthur complained about his lateness, but he didn't seem to mean it. Not enough to fire him anyway. Besides, showing up on time might give the crowned prince a heart attack.
As his unlikely protector, he couldn't have that, he thought, grinning.
He got dressed and went into the main room. Gaius looked up and stared at him hard enough that Merlin checked to make sure he hadn't grown any extra limbs. Surreptitiously, of course.
"Something wrong?" Merlin plucked an apple from the cabinet.
"You're awake." The surprise in Gaius' voice was evident and the old man moved closer to peer at his face. "You're not sick, are you?"
"Uh… No?" It wasn't supposed to be a question. He cleared his throat, repeating, "No." He shook his head. "No, I don't think so."
Gaius only frowned, squinting more as his young friend chewed. "You don't look sick…"
"I'm not sick."
He backed away with a hmph, and made gruel in record time, eyeing Merlin all the while and well into the meal. Though that might have had something to do with the way he was wolfing it down.
"Bye Gaius," he called at the door, then paused to add, "I really am fine."
The physician waved at him. "If you say so."
The young man huffed, but smiled at his guardian fondly. "Right." The door shut behind him.
x
[Scene F]
"I'm not sure how Gaius managed to develop such impressive eyebrow muscle," muttered Arthur, "but it's so distracting, I'm intimidated."
Though the urge was there, Merlin couldn't really argue with that.
x
[Scene G: was going to be a Morgana POV]
It was a lot like watching two twelve year old boys who'd never had a friend their own age before. In plainer terms: a senseless, child brutality mixed with bouts of idiotic recklessness to form a strangely touching friendship that would have been borderline romantic if the participants weren't children… Oh, wait. They weren't.
x
[Scene H: was going to be after Scene E]
"Gaius!"
Said man turned, brows raising as he gave a small bow. "My lord, is something wrong?"
Arthur scowled. "Where is Merlin?"
"I haven't seen him since this morning, sire."
"Yeah?" His eyes flashed. "Well I haven't seen him at all. When I get my hands on him," he growled, clenching and unclenching his fists before giving himself a shake. "If you see him, tell him to get his hide to my chambers or I'll skin him myself!"
With that, he stormed off, leaving behind a wholly unsurprised Gaius. "That troublemaker," he grumbled in clear exasperation. "If Arthur doesn't skin him, I just might."