The Rime of the Osakan Space Cadet

Book 1: The Local Shop

A/N: This was originally the Osaka's chapter, or rather the first part of her arc, in Nightmares of New Year. Now this is made into a standalone fic yet again. I hope you enjoyed this very long yarn on its own. Ironically, this will enable me more freedom to both pursue this and Nightmares.

(A/N: Sorry for being late for so long. I've always suffered writer's block and other problems that impede my ability to write. This is a revamp of my Osaka chapter. The original is now a standalone fic. I've decided to redo this chapter as a two-parter to encompass the qualities of Osaka's quirks. This first chap is more of a slow-burn so understandably you may have a while to read it. I promise you the second one would be faster-paced. As with my other chapters, I've use pop culture elements into the story. Also, as a warning, some of the material used are stuff slightly not to anyone's taste so try to consider it within its place in my fic, especially with the culture of outrage running rampant these days. This is the longest chapter of Nightmares of New Year yet and it's only the first half.)

Disclaimer: This is a fan work. Much of the material featured is copyrighted material that belongs to their original owners, no infringement intended and are available for fair use if not for profit motive.

Originally posted for Nightmares at 2-14-19.

Osaka snuggled herself to bed, wanting to wake up in the New Year. Little did she know that she was about to embark on an adventure... into the Kansai Zone.

-Frolic by Luciano Michelini (Curb Your Enthusiasm main theme) plays-

Then a gentle breeze rustled her, causing her to wake up. Blinking her wide eyes, she thought that her window was opened. She was about to jump off her bed when everything brightened up a bit. Then she felt a calm breeze in her face.

"That was sum mighty fine ay'r condition'," she breezed in her voice. Then it hit her! She looked around in concern. She was now floating among the clouds.

"Hey," she said aloud in her Kansai accent, "where am Ah!?"

"You're in Le Zone, mon ami," said a Frenchman bicycling passed by her - in mid-air! "Where everything is your OYSTER!" He cycled away into the distance into the blue sky yonder. "Hon hon hon." His laugh echoed.

"Really?" Her sleepy eyes wider than usual. Then a thought popped out in her head. "Wait, a'minute. How is every'thin supposed to be mah oi'ster?"

So Osaka zoned out as she began to ponder the mystery of everything being an oyster as she floated aboard her bed, which had achieved the power of flight. As she meditated in order to find her answer, she felt something wet and sticky lapping her feet up and down. She pulled up her covers to see a pink-haired girl licking cookie batter off her feet!

-*record scratch*-

"WAAAAAAHH!" the airhead exclaimed in panic, backing away. "A pink-hare'd grem'lin!"

"I'm no gremlin!" retorted the stowaway angrily. "I'm hungry."

Osaka and the intruder had stare-off, the former blank as a board and just as flat while the latter shot daggers with her look, the intent lost on the airhead. It went on for three minutes of awkward silence aboard the sedately-moving bed that was taking course to Ibiza.

"Hey, Chiyo-chan." Her eyes beamed in realization. "Ya dyed yer hair."

"What!?" the intruder screeched. "My name is motherfucking Natsuki!"

"Ah, no, Chiyo-chan," Osaka replied evenly. "Yea hab no need to use 'un alias. Halloween's over an' ah don' think the US goven'ment's gonna kidnap you for surgery in Area 51 in spite of what that Greek guy was sayin'. All'so, nae swearin'-"

"I'm not Chiyo-chan, dammit!" She hopped in anger, threatening bounce both of them off the bed. "I AM NATSUKI!"

Natsuki? Wey're did ah hear'd that name befo'? So Osaka once again began to travel into the cosmos in her mind, searching for an answer. In her mind she was travelling through the Milky Way to a tear of pure bright light at FTL, streaking across star systems, making the civilizations worship her passing. Then she hit it, the light shone brighter and...

"AH!" She found enlightenment! "Yo're neym's Nutski! A Polish guy who likes big nuts from Sugondese!"

"WHAT!? Did you say I'm a Pole with a penis!?" screeched the outraged loli. Osaka, for her part, heard some drunk ball-shaped plumber colored like an upside down Polish flag crying in Warsaw about never into space and being compared to a homogay trap.

"Nao, nao." Osaka wagged her finger. "Let's nut jump intah conclusions, resultin' in false impres'shuns. I didden sae you wer' a Pole wit extras... That's nut right..." Somehow nuts wasn't where she heard that name.

"That's it! I'm taking over the bed!" Natsuki closed the distance on Osaka.

"AAAAHHH!" she bleated. "Sorry, pink Chiyo-chan. Ah was just tryin' to get deh right answe'. Don' throw me of mah magic flyin' bed."

"Well, you answered crap!" She grabbed Osaka and was pulling her over the edge, just like a dramatic scene in a movie. "Now scoot over."

Nearly at the edge of her bed, the answer entered Osaka's head. "Ah kno' who yah are! Ye're from the Doki Doki Literature Club!"

The pinkette halted her murderous rampage and threw her back on the soft downy bed. "So, you got it right? Finally!"

"So yo're a girl?" Osaka asked, getting up.

"Yeah, I am no-" Natsuki crossed her arms haughtily like a true tsundere. "What? Are you implying I'm a trap!?" She started jumping up and down, shaking the bed.

"Whoa, whoa!" Osaka tried to keep balance, flaying her arms about but the aggressive hopping had her fall on her butt. Now she was bouncing dangerously close to the edge. "Hey! Stop!"

"Now-" A hard thud knocked her off, sending her screaming down the sky.

"Don't you dare hurt, Osaka-san!" cried mini-Chiyo with her flappy pigtails, holding a large rubber mallet which she later threw off. She looked down to see Osaka and alighted on a post in concern. "Osaka-san, are you alright?"

"Dang it, Chiyo-chan, ah just made a new friend," the airhead said sadly.

"I'm sorry for being late, Osaka-san." Mini-Chiyo kneeled and bowed low sincerely in apology. "I was worried she'd hurt you and I had stop over to get a fresh set of pigtails."

"That's okay, nao that yo're he're, let's take a ride together to..."

Mini-Chiyo hopped in excitement. "How about we pick up some fresh milk from the store?"

"That's a great idea, Chiyo-chan," she chimed. So they sat together on the bed as it set course to the grocery store. In the meantime, thanks to the slow movement of the bed, they pass the time to chat.

"This Nat'ski said som'tin' about the Doki Doki Literature Club?"

"Oh, a literature club is a kind of school club where people read books and analyze literature, and composed their own," Mini-Chiyo happily chimed. "In a country that's inundated with pictures with words, reading books without pictures is highly-appreciated. But that might offend a certain under-fed blue-haired otaku."

"Chiyo, yer sho' smart. I thought the Literature Club was like a members'-only library, with bar, stripper poles, and rave music."

"Where did you get that idea?" The mini-genius looked at her blankly.

"Tomo spoke o' clubs like that. She says she saw Yukari in one club that had men on poles."

"I see." Even that made her sweatdrop.

They've finally made it to the grocery store. "Here we are!" proclaimed Chiyo.

"Yay!" Osaka's understated bleating carried her excitement.

"Let's get us sum milk!"

- Yorokonderu (Azumanga Daioh OST) plays-

Upon entering the store they noticed it was almost empty of people. She saw Shion Sonozaki on the counter with her items consisting of rope, knives, bleach, ammonia, sulfuric acid, cyanide, and kerosene, plus some books about murder. She patiently waited for her items while Walter White and Jesse had a whole cartload of ingredients to cook up their next batch of Blue Sky meth.

"That'll be three-hundred ninety-one, ninety-five," declared Makoto Itou, gyrating his arms like crazy.

"What!?" screamed Shion. "That was two hundred! TWO! I counted!"

"But that's what the price count said here," Makoto protested. Then he turned seductive. "I can arrange for a discount for a certain under-the-table arrangement." The sound of loud zipping can be heard.

Shion let out a long banshee shrieked, grabbing Makoto's head and repeatedly bashing his face against the cash register. She screamed to the top of her lungs and ran off with her merchandise. Donkey Kong, the security guard, ran out to catch the deranged yandere that may possibly ambush and gut him. A Shy Guy came up and dragged Makoto's ass from behind the counter and out came some other guy named Baldrick.

"Hello, I'm Baldrick and I like eggy and sausages with turnip. My dad makes a living shagging sheep," said the idiotic dogsbody of House Blackadder.

Jesse and Walt looked at each other in amazement. "Fuck," muttered Walt.

"Ain't nuthin' wrong in here," Osaka commented in spite of the bloody outburst. So she casually walked over to the dairy section while Wallace and Gromit where checking out the cheeses. She then noticed the milk aisle was almost empty save for one carton of milk.

"Ah'm in luck." She stared at the carton dreamily. To her it was shone with light behind, highlighting its status as her Holy Grail. There was a chorus of Hallelujah singing in the background as the carton was wreathed with flowers.

Ayumu Kasuga reached out slowly as her eyes were mesmerized by the golden light showered upon the milk carton when her hand clasped it-

Just as another hand clasp it. Osaka looked at the other claimant for the milk. It was Kirino!

"Oh, hi!" Osaka greeted cheerily. "I wus gonna get dis here last carton o' milk-"

"Move over, bitch!" Kirino screeched like a rat. Osaka flinched and backed off, letting the nasty little sister grab the milk in triumph. Now she skipped off like she was a wholesome cute little girl, which IS not.

Chiyo flew to Osaka and alighted on her shoulder. "Wow, she's rude."

"She's an ill-mannered little lass. But she sho' does like her milk. And Tomo says that she likes 'er big brother too, says he brings her big hot dogs with extra cheese and mustard, huge cream puffs with extra cream, and vanilla-custard cornets. How does she fit all of that in 'er mouth without chokin'?" Understanding innuendo is not her strong suit.

"He must be spoiling her too much. No wonder she's rotten." Her pigtails flicked in disappointment.

"And Yomi called 'er a nasty tart. Guess she don' taste no' good. Wait'a minute, did Yomi taste her?" Oh Osaka...

Just as Kirino was about to leave a circus freak entered the shop. He was completely black save for the area around his eyes and mouth, the kind of appearance to trigger lefties, while he has yellow teeth. He was dressed in a top hat and overcoat like Willy Wonka, only from London's East End.

"Hello Daaave?" He leered close to the Kirino's face.

"AAAAHHH!" She hopped back in fright. "BAKA! HENTAI!"

"I'd like to read you your future," he said leeringly with a rasp.

"Fuck no! I'll get the cops to shoot your ass!" She tried to throw a punch when a hunched-over shawl-clad figure scuttled out of nowhere and grabbed her arm. She shrieked in panic.

"W-w-who the hell are you!?" she demanded mortified.

"That's his wife," Osaka answered in a cheer.

"WHAT?" She stared at Osaka.

"Ah suh this in'a British sho'," she added airily as the wife hopped around madly, holding the palm of a recalcitrant middle-school tsundere.

"AAHH! Let go, freak!" She tried to pull from the surprisingly strong grip of the mad woman.

"There is now…sit down, Dave – my wife will begin the reading."

The wife spreadeagled her hand and spat into it.

"EEEWWW! SALIVA FETISHISTS!" Kirino squealed in disgust.

"That's far out disgusting," Osaka commented. "Ese that whut greasin` the palms mean?"

"It's OK, Dave. My wife will continue to read your fortune, but you must cross her palm with silver…"

"Don't just stand there!" she shrieked at Osaka. "Help me! Get my onee-chan here!"

"Eh, who?"

"ONEE-CHAN!" she snapped angrily.

"Ugh, Ah think hee's indispose'd at de moment," the airhead pointed out, pointing the alley across the road where Kyousuke was swaying back and forth, obviously happy with himself for some reason.

"WHAT!" In outrage she stared at her elder brother being...

"Ah think that's Liane Cartman kneelin' in front o' 'im with his pants down." Very helpful, Osaka.

"He's cucking me for that bitch!" Kirino was beyond shocked at her slave of an onee-chan finally seeking pleasure he was so denied. "I'll kick that hentai baka in the nuts so hard that he'll be choking on them."

"Dave!" he called out. "Time for the reading." Then he started his incantation: "Autom-sprou-canda-tickbana-sandwor-budnorsellaswie?"

"What that fuck is that shit!? Is that pig Latin!?" Then she sarcastically repeated the incantation, playing up the accent.

"It ain' no pig Latin," Osaka replied, "it's Esperanto. Sum'thin like an artificial language for world peace."

Osaka noticed Papa Lazarou's face lit up in joy as she heard Kirino's sarcastic imitation of his phrase. "Of course you can, we would love you to join us."

-Yorokonderu ends-

Then the wife shoved a ring into her finger, startling the tsundere imouto.

"Congratulations!" Osaka cheered as Kirino looked on horrified.

"Ohhhh~," he moaned lustily turning his eyes to Kirino. "You're my wife now, Daaaaveee~!" He laughed, she shrieked, what a happy couple.

-Herr lipps love theme (The League of Gentlemen OST) plays-

"Let me GO!" A sack was cast over her and chibis Churuya and Achakura wrestled her down, restraining her with rope and dragging her out. Muffling, struggling, and shouting insults and threats like the tsundere that she was did nothing to dissuade Papa Lazarou hopping in joy over his new bride, nor the menacing chibis who clearly liked their job. She was calling for her oni-chan to save her when they tossed her into the back of a horse-drawn carriage.

-Herr Lipp's Love theme ends-

Papa Lazarou turned to his chibi henchmen, "I want to see everything set up when I come back! And don't hit my wife!"

"We won't!" they cried, lying through their teeth and the very visible blackjacks behind their backs.

And they hopped on and off they galloped into the distance while Kirino angrily - and desperately - screamed for her Onii-chan.

"Talk about dramatic exit," she commented. Then she thought, Now that the store's run out of milk, where am ah gonna get it now? Her thoughts echoed for the audience to hear like a David Lynch film. Then piece of paper flew right into her face. "Hey, I think I might try this place."

Later she was in the hilly moors in the outskirts of the town. It was a desolate place, all cold green grass, save for the little red brick building that said, "Local Shop."

"This must beh de place," she said.

"I don't know," Mini-Chiyo said doubtfully. "Are you sure it's safe?" One of the two shop signs, bearing the word LOCAL, creaked and went askew.

"Shor'e it's safe, Chiyo-chan. Nuthin' can go raw'ng." The crows at the bare tree behind them cried, "Baka, baka, baka." So they went across the yard, stepping on the wet, mossy grass, to get to the store.

Upon entering the shop, they were astounded by shop's appearance. It was furnished like an old store from the movies, all the goods displayed delightfully, loving clutter and the dark and moody lighting made it seem... old. Osaka's wide eyes looked around in wonder as she scanned the very British shop clutter when her face came upon a chunky lady's glasses-wearing face with her weird smile.

"Gyah!" They jumped back in alarm.

"Can I help you?" said the lady pleasantly, though rather eagerly. She was hunchbacked and she looked like a granny with her coke-bottom glasses and headcover made from industrial tarp.

"Wah! Ya scared meh!" Composing herself, being what she is, she asked, "Are ya open?"

"Yes!" she squealed in delight. "Can I help you at all?"

"Well, Ah'd like ah bottle o' milk."

"Oh, how splendid!" She giddily rubbed her hands. "I'll get it right away!" She scuttled to the back of the shop, leaving Osaka alone. The airhead went back to scanning the shop.

"Hey Osaka," Mini-Chiyo said, flapping around in her pigtails like a fairy. "I think we should just ditch the milk and leave." Osaka ignored her and tapped a jar of pickles that seem slightly past its prime several times. The pickle inside burped and it was Pickle Rick.

"Excuse me, can you get me outta here?" Pickle Rick asked plainly. "I'm in a bit of a pickle." He laughed.

"Ohmahgawd!" Osaka exclaimed. Then the old lady emerged with a bottle of milk. "Here, you go." She handed it to Osaka's hand. The Kansai native noted it smelled rather sour.

"That will be four ninety-five."

Osaka dug into her pockets and found them empty. "Ah shoot. I don' hab that kinda money. Can yah take credit?"

"Credit?" The old lady sounded troubled. "Are you local?"

Osaka shook her head. "Nah, ah'm from outta town, ya see. Came heer on'a flyin' bed."

She screamed in terror. "This is a local shop for local people! There's nothing for you here!" She snatched back the milk bottle and shuffled behind the counter as if to protect herself from Osaka.

A voice called out from the back, almost singing, "Hello, hello, Tubbs/ What's going on? What's all this shouting?/ We'll have no trouble here!"

"She covets the precious things of the shop, Edward," Tubbs the old lady moaned, she began rubbing her tiddies in delight.

"Nah, I don', I jus' want'd eh bottle o' milk." Osaka said, not figuring out why she wanted one. And she noticed they both wore glasses and have a grotesque, semi-porcine appearance, like an unfortunate meeting with a pig farmer and a wild sow.

"Ah…Tea leaf, eh? You people are all alike," he said accusingly. "You march in here – young, try and…touch the local things. I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint? Smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement…"

Tubbs looked positively excited, she noticed. "Does she have a scat fetish?"

"What?" His large eyebrows raised in outrage. "How dare you accuse us of indulging such depraved, beastly conduct, fit only for the lowly beasts of the earth!?"

"Waah! I'm sowry!" she bleated in apology.

"You will not get off this time, you rascal!" Edward exclaimed.

"Look, ah just saw yer shop on'ah map," she pointed out. She gave them the map, which Tubbs eagerly snatched at it.

"Oh my God, Edward!" she exclaimed like she had one the award for ugliest hooker in Britain, " it's got lines! Lines and lines and lines and lines and lines!"

"What is this sorcery!?" he shouted, almost frightened at the thought of stranger coming to their local shop. Tubbs took a huge bite on a large onion like it's a piece of meat, obviously enjoying herself.

"Well, it'sa map." Osaka shrugged her shoulders. "It should take ya te Swansea." Then she wondered why she said Swansea, or if there ever was a sea of swans.

"A Swansea?" Tubbs looked at Osaka quizzically in her eccentric way.

"Yup."

Then Tubbs moaned in sadness. "You lied to me, Edward! There is a Swansea!"

"Nonsense!"

"And other places, too! You kept them from me!"

"Yeeesssh, I kept them from you! To keep you pure, and clean and local!"

"What's all this local about?" Osaka asked again. "Ah mean, why set up aroun' here yonder faraway from town? Is des ah'n invitation only-shop? Like Amazon or Ali Baba?"

Tubbs and Edward only stared at her in befuddlement. They looked at each other, then at her smiling her blank, wide-eyed smile, then each other, then at her, then each other, all the while gibbering as the logic bomb she dropped began to mess with their heads.

"Oh Edward!" cried Tubbs.

"Tubbs!" he moaned.

"Wait'a minute...?" Ayumu then had an epiphany. "Are you Edward and Bella Cullen? Is this a secret vampires' only club? OHMAGAWD! Ah just entered Twilight!" She screamed - well, bleated loudly - as the revelation caused her to panic, holding her head with both hands. "Ah can't beh in'a bad vampire flick!"

The door knocked loudly. All present looked at. "Who is it?" they asked in unison.

The door slammed open and in came a dapper-suited gentlemen wearing a balaclava and smoking a ciggy. It's the Red Spy from Team Fortress 2, with the smuggest, derpiest face he can muster. "Which one of you is Osaka?" he asked.

"There you are, my good man!" exclaimed Edward. "Arrest her!"

He flashed stepped behind Osaka, who almost flinched. "Follow me!" He rigged a jetpack on Osaka's back and produced his own. He started his own jetpack, which hummed loudly as the pack warmed up for ignition. And...

KABOOM!

It exploded, blowing up half the shop, and sending a screaming Spy into the sky.

"Takin' a leap of fate." Osaka gulped and switched on her jetpack and swooshed off into the air with a massive blast.

"AAAAHHHHH!" she mewed as the jetpack sent her across the sky. Back below, Pickle Rick exacted his revenge on the Tattsyrups commando-style with a plastic butter knife.

-Don't Stop Me Now by Queen plays-

Osaka was flying way up above the earth. She was speeding across the skies, streaking like a comet. She found herself heading directly towards a UFO and she steered hard right away from it, slamming a satellite, which promptly veered into the UFO, slamming it and destroying Earth's first contact with sentient, extraterrestrial life. Probably for the best. Osaka struggled to steer the flying jet bomb strapped to her back and swooshed through a flock of geese, roasting some fine Christmas Roast Goose with her massive exhaust.

Osaka was still figuring out how to control her jetpack when she pressed a button. It fired an array of missiles and blow up an entire Turkish fighter squadron on maneuvers.

"Shoot! That's nut what ah was goin' fer," she complained. Then she found it! - an accident. She immediately displayed a screen in front of her and it displayed Trivago app. It said voice command. "Heey, how dew ya lan' this thing?" Then the jetpack took a nosedive and sent her to a suburban two-story house. She landed in the swimming pool.

-Don't Stop Me Now by Queen stops-

This was followed by the screaming Spy breaking through the roof.

To be continued...

A/N: You've just had an introduction to Osaka's dream, featuring the British sitcom League of Gentlemen and Oreimo.

Now where did Spy take Osaka to? Find out on the next episode.