Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
"School day, school day,
Teacher's golden ru..." My friends and I sang, until a Canadian baby boy in blue pjs joined us.
"Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again." My best friend, Kyle groaned.
"Zeeponaner!" Kyle's brother, Ike, gurgled.
"Ike, you can't come to school with me." Kyle told his little brother, but Ike just chortled.
Oh, sorry. I should introduce you to who me and my friends are. My name is Stanley Randal Marsh, but my friends call me Stan. I'm eight years old, and I'm just a normal Third-Grade student, from the small town of South Park, Colorado.
I'm most recognized, not by my light skin, black hair and blue eyes, but by my casual clothing. I usually wear a blue hat with a red puffball, and red trimming over my head, a brown jacket, with a red collar, over my casual red and blue baseball shirt, a pair red gloves over my hands, dark blue jeans and matching dark boots.
Let me tell you about my friends.
I'll start with Kyle Broflovski. Yeah, he's Jewish, don't rub it in. He and I have been best friends since we were in Kindergarten. Maybe earlier.
He, too, has light skin. But has ginger hair and sharp green eyes. He wears a green ushanka over his head, a bright orange jacket, with dark green collar and trimmings, over a casual t-shirt. He hardly takes his hat or jacket off. He also wears a pair of matching green gloves and pants, along with a pair of dark boots.
Eric Cartman is a really different story, he just came to me and Kyle one day and claimed us as his friends. He's really not the nicest boy you'll meet, so we've put up with him since.
Cartman is light skinned, like me and Kyle, but he's on the 'heavy' side. His hair is a light brunette and his eyes are a hazel, or brown color. He wears a blue and yellow hat, similar to mine, a red jacket with a green t-shirt underneath, yellow gloves, brown pants and black shoes.
Kenny McCormick became our friend, due to mutual interests and hates. His family is claimed to be the poorest family in the town, but they're just stuck in poverty, due to having dead jobs and poor welfare. At least they still have a roof over their heads, I'm not complaining and neither is Kenny.
Kenny wears an orange parka, with brown trimmings, and he keeps the hood over his head, so we've hardly seen his face, only his light blue eyes and bits and pieces of blonde hair... I think... Anyway, along with the parka, Kenny wears matching orange pants, brown gloves and brown boots. Very quiet and keeps to himself.
Anywho, that's me and my friends. Now, back to the story.
"Yeah, go home you little dildo!" Cartman shouted at Ike.
"Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!" Kyle shouted at him.
Curious, I tilted my head, "What's a dildo?"
"Well, I don't know..." Kyle answered, then turned back to Cartman, "And I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!"
"I know what it means!" Cartman argued.
"Well, what?" Kyle asked.
Cartman closed his eyes and put his hands behind his back, "I'm not telling you."
Instead, I turned to Kenny, "What's a dildo, Kenny?"
"(It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina.)" Kenny answered behind muffles of his parka.
Cartman and I chuckled.
"He-yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right!" Cartman laughed. Angry, Kenny grabbed Ike by his feet and swung him into Cartman. Cartman fell and yelped, "Ow!"
Kyle put Ike back down and Ike laughed.
I couldn't help by smile, "Dude, that kicks ass!"
Kyle smiled back, "Yeah, check this one out." Then he turned to his brother, "Ready Ike? Kick the baby!"
"Don't kick the baby." Ike replied.
"Kick the baby." Kyle took a step back and kicked Ike like a football.
Ike flew across the other side of the road and landed into a heap of snow. Cartman yawned loudly.
I turned to him, "Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night."
Cartman nodded, "That's 'cause I was having these... Bogus nightmares."
This got Kyle's interest, "Really? What about?"
"Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed, in the dark." Cartman explained his dream, "When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. Then slowly my bedroom door began to open and then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway. Then I was lying on a table and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes..."
My eyes widened in surprise, "Dude! Visitors!"
Kyle nodded, "Totally!"
Cartman tilted his head, "What?"
"That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were Visitors!" I explained.
Cartman stubbornly shook his head, "No, it was just a dream, my mom said so."
"Visitors are real." I told him.
Kyle nodded, "Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows."
"Oh, shut up guys!" Cartman shouted, "You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working."
Then Chef showed up in his green and camouflage car. He exit his car and greeted, "Hello children!"
Chef is the 'lunch lady' of South Park Elementary. He's an African American guy with a huge heart and an ear to listen. He usually wears a red shirt and jeans under a chef's apron and hat.
"Hey Chef." We greeted back.
Then I asked, "What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?"
"Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley." Chef answered.
Cartman smiled, "Kick ass."
Then Chef asked us, "Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?"
Cartman's eyes widen, "Huh?"
Kyle nodded and pointed to Cartman, "Yeah, Fat Boy saw it!"
Cartman shook his head, "Eh, no, that, that was just a dream." Then he shouted at Kyle, "And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!"
"Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?" Chef asked Cartman.
Cartman's eyes widened again, "Oh!"
"They took him on their ship." I told Chef.
Chef's eyes widened, "Oh!" Then whispered, "Did they give you an anal probe?"
Cartman was lost for words. Kyle tilted his head and asked, "What's an anal probe?"
"That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joop up yo' butt." Chef answered.
"Whoa!" Kyle gasped, then turned to Cartman, "They gave you an anal probe, Cartman?"
"No!" Cartman shouted, then tried to regain his composure, "Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?"
I noticed his actions, "Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!"
"No!" Cartman shouted.
Then Ike babbled, "Eneh probe."
"Shut up, dildo!" Cartman shouted at the baby.
Then Chef shrugged, "Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria." Then he told us, "You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control."
With that, he entered his car and drove off.
"We told you they were real, Cartman." Kyle told Cartman, "Sorry to hear about your ass."
"God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!" Cartman shouted.
Then the school bus showed up. Finally!
One-by-one, my friends and I entered the bus. Cartman was walking with a with little hobble, like he took a dump in his pants.
"Why you walkin' so funny, Cartman?" Kyle teased.
"Shut up!" Cartman shouted, as he entered the bus.
Kyle was about to walk into the doorway, but Ike stepped next to him, "Oh foonuh bebe."
"No, Ike, go home." Kyle shouted at his brother.
"Eeeeee!" Ike squeaked stubbornly.
Then Kyle had an idea, "This is it. This one's for the game."
Ike shoot his head, "Purplor."
Kyle took a step back, "Kick the baby!"
He kicked Ike and the Canadian baby flew over the bus. Ike landed in the snow on the other side. Dude! That was freaky. I was expecting the baby to fly through the window. How did Kyle do that?
Anyway, my friends and I entered to bus. "Good morning, Miss Crabtree." I greeted Ms. Crabtree with a sweet smile.
Ms. Crabtree is a bit of a mess for a lady. Her brown hair looked like a birds nest and she wore a rugged blue sweater and dingy grey jeans.
"Sit down! We're runnin' late!" She shouted.
My friends and I took our seats and Ms. Crabtree drove the bus to school. Kyle and I sat at the back. Kyle picked himself up and looked out the back window.
"Damn it, he's still there." He told me.
"Oh, don't worry about him." I waved my hand.
Kyle shook his head, "No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me."
Then Ms. Crabtree shouted at us, "Sit down back there!" Then she roared.
Kyle ignored her and shouted at the window, "Ike! Go home!"
"I said SIT DOWN!" Ms. Crabtree shouted.
"Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch." I sighed and rolled my eyes.
Ms. Crabtree turned to me, "What did you say!?"
"I said I have a bad itch." I quickly lied.
"Oh." Ms. Crabtree replied, then returned to her driving the bus to school.
Suddenly, Kyle gasped, "Oh, my God!"
I looked at my best friend and saw his face paled. I turned to the back window. Holy crap, dude! Two tall and slender aliens with grey skin and black eyes surrounded Kyle's younger brother.
"Visitors!" I gasped.
Kenny turned and saw the aliens too, "(Oh my God!)"
"Ike!" Kyle cried and ran to the front of the bus, "Stop the bus!" He turned to Ms. Crabtree, "Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!"
"Do you want an office referral!?" Ms. Crabtree asked.
Kyle shook his head, "No."
So she shouted, "Then sit down!"
"But I..." Kyle started, but Ms. Crabtree screamed at him.
Kyle screamed and ran back to his seat, next to me.
I pointed to the aliens behind us, "Cartman, are those the same Visitors you saw?"
"Shut up you guys, it's not working." Cartman answered, not looking back at us.
"We have to do something!" Kyle cried in worry.
"Well, we can't do anything for now." I pointed out, then shouted, "That fat bitch won't let us!"
Ms. Crabtree turned to me again, "What did you say!?"
"Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce." I quickly lied.
"Oh." She replied, returning to the road, "Well, yes, they certainly do."
Suddenly, Ms. Crabtree made a hard right. The gravity threw the kids on the left side of the bus into the right side.
"What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens." Kyle muttered, starting to sound hysterical. To help him out, I farted into the seat. Kyle looked at me with a smile, "You farted."
Then he and I started laughing. Farting always cheers Kyle up when he's scared.
The school bus arrived and we shuffled in and took our seats. It was a short, quiet trip to school. The school bell rang and we went to our classrooms. Mr. Garrison arrived and he had a slightly annoyed look on his face.
Mr. Garrison is an early senior in a green jacket, matching dark green khaki pants and black shoes.
"Attention, class. Attention, please. We have two new students, who have moved here just three days ago." He announced to the class. He looked the door and called, "Come on in. Don't be shy."
From the classroom door, two girls entered the classroom and stopped at the front of the class. I gasped at their appearances.
The first girl was quite tall for my age, and quite slender, but healthy. Her skin was a very pale Caucasian, as if like a ghost. Black bruises around her eyes that indicate trouble sleeping. And freckles under her eyes and across her nose.
Her hair was very short, but her bangs reached her chin, as they hang over her face, she was a ravenette, like me and some of the other kids in my class. Her eyes were hazel, nearly green.
She wore a pair of black wayfarer glasses, a leather choker with a spider pendant, a pair of black, fingerless gloves and a dark grey backpack.
The girl's attire consisted of a black, short-sleeved hoodie with a red spider design on the chest area. The hoodie is over a light grey, long-sleeved shirt with dark grey webbing design on the sleeves. A pair of dark grey khaki pants and black sneakers.
She also wore a pair of leg braces on her legs. Must be handicapped.
The second girl was a bit shorter and had lightly tanned skin with freckles under her eyes and across her nose. Blonde hair, with natural light brown low-lights, that reached to her shoulders. Light blue eyes that looked like a pool of water.
She wears a white long-sleeved shirt under a pink t-shirt. A gold chain necklace with pink gemstone pendant. Blue jeans and black sandals.
A tomboy with a hint of girly-girl.
By what I can tell, they have to be sisters and they're clearly opposites.
"Why don't you tell your new classmates your name? Introduce yourself." Mr. Garrison suggested to the new girls.
The Gothic girl looked around, seeming very uncomfortable, saying nothing.
The blonde-haired girl looked at the class and answered in a clear voice, "My name is Samantha Carter." She gestured to the other girl, "And this is my sister, Ellie. We moved here from London, England, in hope to start a new life. I hope we might become good friends."
Mr. Garrison smiled and clapped his hands, "Very good, Samantha. Now take your seat, next to Stan." He looked at me, "Stan, would you raise your hand, so Ellie and Samantha would know where to sit."
I raised my hand. Samantha smiled, took hold of Ellie's hand and took the two empty desks next to and behind me. Samantha took the one next to me and Ellie sat behind me.
During the lesson, I leaned over to Samantha and greeted, "Hey. I'm Stan Marsh."
Samantha smiled and extended her hand to me, "Nice to meet you, Stan. My name is Samantha. But, you can call me Sam or Sammy."
I smiled and shook her hand. I turned to look at Ellie. She had her eyes glued to her desk, and she twiddled her thumbs.
I smiled, "Hi. I'm Stan."
Ellie glanced at me, then looked back at the desk. I was barely able to hear her whisper, "Ellie..."
Then, Mr. Garrison started with his class, "And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus."
"That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend." Mr. Hat, Mr. Garrison's hand puppet explained, "He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass, and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon, and discovered France. And then in 1492, Columbus started a restaurant..."
"Oh, man. I can't just sit here." Kyle started whispering to me in a panic, "I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling." Then he started to sound angry, "'Where's your brother, Kyle?' 'You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?'"
"Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him." I whispered back.
But Kyle ignored me and started to get louder, "'You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!' 'Brush and floss, Kyle!' 'Where has that finger been, Kyle!?'"
"Dude!" I shouted.
Mr. Garrison heard us and asked, "Is there a problem, boys?"
Kyle nodded his head, "Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now."
Mr. Garrison tilted his head, "Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?"
"No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens." Kyle explained.
The classroom went silent, unsure how to react.
"It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe." Kyle insisted.
Cartman just chuckled, "Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh."
"Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go." Kyle insisted, leaping off his desk and toward Mr. Garrison's desk, "Can I please be excused from class?"
"I don't know, Kyle." Mr. Garrison shrugged, then asked, "Did you ask Mr. Hat?"
Kyle shook his head, "I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!"
"Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat." Mr. Garrison insisted, pushing Mr. Hat closer to Kyle's face.
Kyle sighed and rolled his eyes, "Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?"
"Well, Kyle..." Mr. Hat started, then yelled, "No! You hear me?! You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!"
Mr. Garrison shrugged his shoulders, "Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle."
Kyle walked back to his desk, "Damn it!"
Cartman smiled and laughed, "Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you."
Suddenly, Cartman farted. Fire erupted from his ass and nearly hit Pip, "Ow! My ass!"
The class gasped at the sight.
"Dude!" Kyle gasped.
"Damn, Cartman!" I gasped.
Cartman farted more fire, "Uh... Ow! My ass!"
"Dude, he's farting fire!" Kyle shouted.
"It's the alien anal probe." I noticed, "It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!"
"No, that was just a dream." Cartman insisted.
"Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?" Mr. Garrison asked.
Cartman shook his head, "No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine."
He farted again and more fire erupted. The flames hit Pip and engulfed him. Pip jumped off his desk and started running around in a panic.
Ellie watched in interest, "Wow, cool."
*Later, at the Cafeteria...*
My friends and I were waiting in line for lunch. Ellie and Sam was behind us.
Cartman farted fire again and almost hit Sam.
"Watch it, Eric!" Sam shouted, as she took a step back.
Cartman ignored her and sighed, "Whoa, I sure am hungry."
"How can you eat when you're farting fire?" I asked.
"Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature." Cartman argued.
Kyle looked across and noticed, "Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger."
I gasped and followed his gaze, "Where?"
There she was. Wendy Testaburger. One of the popular girls in the school. I... Kinda... Have a crush on her. Every time I'm around her, she gives me butterflies in my stomach and I vomit at the sight of her, not in a bad way.
She has long, black hair with dark purple eyes. She wears a light purple, dress-like jacket with yellow leggings and matching boots.
My heart beat faster, my face warmed up and a bashful smile grew of my face.
"Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger." Cartman sang.
"Shut up, fat ass!" I quickly shouted, snapping back to reality, "I don't even like her!"
"I'm not fat!" Cartman shouted.
"Then why do your cheeks brighten up every time you look at her?" Ellie asked me.
Even their voices were opposite. Sam speaks with a clear voice with a British accent. While Ellie speaks in a raspy voice with an African-American accent.
I looked at the British ravenette in confusion.
Then Wendy walked up to us, "Hi, guys."
"Hi, Wendy." Cartman, Kyle and Kenny greeted.
"Hi, new girls." Wendy greeted Ellie and Sam.
"Hello, Wendy." Sam greeted with a smile, while Ellie gave a shy wave.
Wendy walked over to me and gave me a note, "Here, Stan. This is for you."
I opened my mouth and vomit spilled out before I can speak.
Wendy yelped, "Eww!" Then walked off.
"Bye, Wendy." Cartman, Kyle, Sam and Kenny farewelled.
Once Wendy was gone, Kyle asked me, "Dude, what does the note say?"
I read the note and gasped, "Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school."
Kyle smiled, "Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her."
"Or slip her the tongue." Cartman added.
"(Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.)" Kenny spoke up.
"What?" I yelped, "How do you know she has a cat?"
Kenny started laughing. The rest of followed in laughter, as we realized what Kenny really meant.
Sam gasped and shouted, "Kenny, that's disgusting!" Eleanor suppressed a giggle.
Kyle broke the laughter, "Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back."
My friends and I entered arrived to the kitchen, where Chef was waiting.
Chef saw us and waved, "Hello there, children."
"Hey, Chef." We all greeted.
"How are you doing?" Chef asked.
"Bad." Kyle answered with a sigh.
"Why bad?" Chef asked him.
"Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?" Kyle asked.
Chef smiled, "Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another." Then offered, "Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up." Then he broke into song,
'I'm gonna make love to you woman,
Gonna lay you down by the fire.'
Kyle and I looked at each other. How is a song gonna make things better? Especially a song like this?
'And caress your womanly body,
Make you moan and perspire.
"Uh, Chef." I tried to speak, but Chef was still singing.
'-Get those juices flowin'-'
'-We're makin' love gravy-'
'-Love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove gravih!'
"Chef!" I shouted very loudly.
"Love luh-" Chef stopped singing and looked at us, "Huh?"
Kenny nodded his head to Kyle.
"Do you feel better?" Chef asked Kyle.
Kyle shook his head, "No!"
"Oh, come on children, what could be so bad?" Chef asked, lifting a tray of food, "It's Salisbury steak day."
"Visitors took Kyle's baby brother." I explained.
Chef, Ellie and Sam's eyes widen, "What?!"
"Visitors? As in grey skin with large black eyes?" Ellie asked.
Sam nudged Ellie in the arm.
Kyle nodded his head, "Yeah, those."
Chef dropped the food tray and ran toward us, "What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!"
"Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school." I explained, "He thinks we're making it up."
"Well, no one else saw them, so you've gotta be." Sam answered.
Cartman smiled, "Finally. Someone who thinks."
Suddenly, Cartman farted fire again, nearly hitting Ellie. But this time, something poke out of his butt. A mechanical probe with robot arms.
"Whoa!" I gasped.
It looked at Cartman and put its hands on its 'hips'. Cartman ignored it.
The probe returned into Cartman's butt.
Completely oblivious, Cartman looked at us, "What?"
"That was cool!" Kyle smiled.
"Still think aliens are fake, Sam?" Ellie asked her sister. Sam was lost for words.
"It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device." Chef explained, turning Cartman around and checking his butt.
"A symbol-what-sit-metal-who-sit device?" Sam tried to repeat.
"It's a device that is triggered by Eric's emotions." Ellie translated. Wow, she's smart for a third grader.
"This could mean the Visitors want to communicate with us." Chef finished.
Annoyed, Cartman quickly pulled up his pants and glared at Chef, "Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke, huh?"
Chef quickly shook his head, "It's no joke, children. This is big!"
"Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me." Kyle begged.
Chef stood up, "Uuh, hold on now, hold on now." Then muttered to himself, "Uhyouyouyou you gotta help the children."
Cartman got angry and impatient, "Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!"
Ellie looked at me, "Is Eric really this stubborn?"
"You have no idea, Ellie." I answered, "And we call him Cartman."
Ellie nodded, "Noted."
Chef walked into the cafeteria and pulled on the fire alarm.
"Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out!" He shouted over the alarm, then whispered to us, "Okay children, this is your chance!"
I smiled, "Killer! Thanks, Chef."
With that, my friends and I made our way to the nearest fire door.
"Wait. We're coming with you." Ellie called, following after us, with Sam close behind her.
Cartman turned and glared at the British ravenette, "Hey! No girls or handicaps allowed!"
Sam marched forward and glared at Cartman, "If Ellie says we're coming, we're coming!"
*Later, in the Neighborhood...*
"We got out of school,
No more school today,
We got out of school..." My friends and I sang, until Cartman farted fire again, nearly hitting Ellie again.
"Oh! You guys, my ass, seriously..!" Cartman shouted in pain.
"Watch where you're aiming that thing, Cartman!" Sam shouted, pulling Ellie away from Cartman's fart.
"Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now." I told Cartman.
"I would if I could, you son of a bitch!" He shouted at me.
"Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?" Kyle wondered.
Cartman sighed then started shouting loudly, "Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control!"
Suddenly, something hit Cartman. His cheeks turned rosy and he started singing and dancing like an old cartoon,
'I love to sing-a,
About the moon-a and June-a and the spring-a,
I love to sing-a,
About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...'
Cartman was hit again and he returned to normal.
Everything went awkwardly quiet, until Sam started laughing, "That was hilarious. Do that again!"
"What the hell was that?" I gasped.
"He is under alien control." Kyle noticed, "That thing in his butt is linked up to the Visitors!"
"Ah, son of a bitch!" Cartman shouted and glared at the us, "You guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control."
Kyle walked over to Cartman and yelled into his ear, "Hey! If you Visitors can hear me, bring me back my little brother, God damnit!"
"Ow!" Cartman shouted, then faced Kyle, "That hurts, you butt-licker!"
Ellie looked up to the sky and noticed something. She nudged Kyle, "Kyle, look! It's them."
The rest of us looked and saw a flying spaceship hovering over us.
"Give me back my brother!" Kyle shouted.
He picked up a stone and threw it at the spaceship. It hit and the ship fired back. The blast hit Kenny and threw him into the other side of the road.
"Oh my God!" I gasped, "They've killed Kenny!"
"You bastards!" Kyle shouted at the ship. The ship left the scene, "Come back here! Coomme baack!"
The ship was gone.
"Damn it, we were so close!" Kyle cursed under his breath.
I noticed movement from Kenny, "Hey look, I think Kenny's okay."
Kenny got back to his feet and assured us, "(Don't worry, I'm alright.)" Then there was mooing. Kenny looked and screamed, "(Argh!)"
A large herd of cows ran over Kenny in a stampede.
"Owww." Was all we could say.
The stampede cleared and Kenny got back to his feet again, "(Nope, I'm all fine.)"
Suddenly, Officer Barbrady drove close behind and hit Kenny. Kenny flew over the car and landed on the curb. He didn't get back up. He was dead.
My friends, Ellie, Sam and I walked to Kenny's body.
"Poor Kenny." Ellie sighed mournfully.
"Now do you believe us, Cartman?" Kyle asked.
"I do." Sam answered.
Cartman shook his head stubbornly, "No!"
"Cartman, they killed Kenny!" Sam pointed out.
Cartman shook his head again, "He's not dead."
"Dude, Kenny is dead!" I shouted. I picked up a stick and poked Kenny's face with it. No response from the dead boy before us, "See?"
"Shut up, you guys." Cartman told us with a glare.
Kyle picked up Kenny's head, "He's dead, Cartman!"
"God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe!" Cartman shouted, then started making his way home, "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."
"Go on and go home, you fat chicken!" Kyle shouted.
"Dildo!" Cartman shorted back.
"You're all I have left, Stan." Kyle told me.
I shook my head, "Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger."
"You can't!" He argued, "Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude!"
"Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot." I told him, as I made my way to Stark's Pond.
"Rats." Was the last thing I heard from Kyle before I couldn't hear him anymore.
Kyle Broflovski's POV.
With that, Stan left me alone on the curb of the road. Rats have carried Kenny's body off. All what's left were me and the two new girls.
"Uh... Kyle? If you don't mind me asking." Ellie started. I looked at her. "Where is Stark's Pond?"
"Stark's Pond is actually a large lake on the other side of town." I answered, then asked, "Why do you ask?"
"Well... I just thought that it might a good place to try and find the Visitors." She answered.
Sam smiled, "Hey. That's not a bad idea, Ellie. And maybe this Wendy girl can help us."
With that, the girls and I made our way to Stark's Pond. Stan was there, waiting for Wendy. We waited for ten minutes, then I decided to speak up.
"Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the Visitors now." I told my best friend.
"But her note said she'd be here." Stan frowned.
Suddenly, a familiar voice greeted from behind us, "Hi, Stan."
As if by instinct, Stan puked into the snow.
Wendy took a step back, "Eww!"
"Heya, Wendy." Sam greeted with a wave.
"You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do." I told Wendy.
Wendy turned to Stan, "But why, Stan?" Stan puked again, "Eww!"
"Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother?" I asked, getting annoyed and impatient.
Wendy turned to me, "Huh?"
"Just make sweet love down by the fire." I pouted.
But Wendy was curious, "What happened to your little brother?"
"Cartman got abducted by Visitors last night and got probed in the butt." Sam explained, "And Kyle's brother got taken too."
I nodded, "And now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed."
"Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?" Wendy asked.
I looked at her, "Why?"
Wendy smiled, "Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the Visitors are using him as part of their plan."
Ellie smiled and nodded, "That might work. With Cartman as bait, the Visitors should come back to retrieve him."
Wendy smiled and nodded, "Yeah. That's right."
A smile grew on my face, "Hey. You're right, Wendy." Then told Stan, "Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman."
The new girls and I left the pond and made our way to Cartman's house.
*A Little Later, at Cartman's House...*
Stan, Wendy, Ellie, Sam and I arrived at Cartman's house and Cartman's mum let us in.
"Eric, look who's here." Cartman's mum told Cartman, as we entered the living room, following behind her.
Cartman was sitting on the couch, with a plate of his favorite chocolate chicken pot pie.
Ellie looked around, "Nice place, Cartman."
"Dude, weak, Mom!" Cartman shouted at his mum.
"Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop." I invited.
Cartman quickly shook his head, "I can't. My mom said..."
"That's okay, Eric." Cartman's mum smiled, "I think you need to go spend time with your little friends."
Cartman whispered to his mother, "But Mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends-"
"Don't be difficult, Eric!" She shouted sternly, then regained her composure, "Now, you go out and play in the fun snow."
"God damn it!" Cartman cursed under his breath.
*Later That Night, Outside Stark's Pond...*
Stan Marsh's POV.
"You guys, I have to get home." Cartman told us, as I finished tying his leg to a tree outside of Stark's Pond.
"Don't be such a fraidy-cat, Cartman." I told him, "This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again."
With that, Kyle, Wendy, the new girls and I left Cartman alone and hid behind a log nearby.
Cartman tugged on the rope, "Oh, man, this sucks."
"How come the Visitors aren't coming for him?" Kyle wondered.
"I think we have to signal them somehow." I answered.
Cartman farted fire again, "Ow!"
Wendy smiled, "Hey, he's like Rudolph."
Ellie gasped and smiled, "Of course. The probe is symbiotic." Then she shouted, "Hey, Cartman! Try farting a little bit more! So the Visitors can see you!"
Cartman tilted his head, "Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight."
"Sure you can." Ellie encouraged.
"Come on Cartman, fart!" I shouted.
"I don't wanna." Cartman shouted back.
"He can't hold it in forever." I told the others.
"Maybe we just need to get him angry." Ellie suggested.
"That's easier said than done, Ellie." I told her, "Cartman thinks this whole day was just a prank."
"Fart, damn you!" Kyle shouted angrily at Cartman.
That triggered Cartman's temper, "Okay, that's does it!" Then he shouted at the top of his lungs, "Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!" Cartman's pants fell, as something started to poke out of his butt, "I'm sick of it! It's completely immature."
"Hey, it's happening again." I noticed.
The machine grew outward and morphed into a giant, alien-like satellite dish. Whoa!
"Whoa, look at that." Kyle gasped.
"Now, do you believe us, Cartman?" I shouted at Cartman.
Not looking at the satellite, Cartman glared, "You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up."
"Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!" I shouted.
Cartman just glared at me, "Sure, you guys, what-ever."
The satellite launched a signal into the stars.
"You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!" Cartman shouted at us.
Then three spaceships and a large Mother-ship appeared in the sky.
Cartman saw and gasped, "Oh, God damn it!"
"Come down here, you stinking aliens!" Kyle shouted. Four Visitors appeared before us. Kyle was lost for words, "Uh, uh..."
"Go on, Kyle." I encouraged, "Ask 'em for your little brother back."
Kyle cleared his throat, "Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... I-Is a pretty special thing."
I nodded with a smile, "Yeah."
A smiled grew on Kyle's face, "Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again."
Kyle lowered his head. I wiped a tear from my eye, "That was beautiful, dude."
"Did it work?" He asked me.
I shook my head, "No, they're leaving."
This triggered Kyle's temper, as he shouted at the aliens, "Hey, you scrawny-assed shits, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" The aliens turned to Kyle, "You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!"
"Whoa, dude!" I gasped.
"Kyle!" Sam gasped.
"You know what you fuckers like!" Kyle continued to shout, "You like to fuck! And shit! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck!"
I turned to Wendy, "Hey Wendy, what's a 'Fuck'?"
Wendy shrugged her shoulders.
"Look, Mr. Visitors." Ellie glared at the aliens, "Do you have the baby brother or not?"
The aliens looked at Ellie. One of the spaceship doors opened to reveal Ike, safe and unharmed, "Help me, Doy Tair."
"Ike, jump down, now!" Kyle shouted at his brother, "For the love of God, Ike, jump!"
Ike shook his head, "Don't hurt me."
Eleanor Carter's POV.
The herd of cows from before came running from the Visitors. The aliens stopped the cows. The cows mooed and shook in fear.
The middle alien raised his hand and spoke "Moo..."
The cows stopped cowering and listened.
The middle alien greeted, "Moo... Moo...Moo...Moo... (Greetings, cows of Earth. We come in peace.)"
The cows tilted their heads, "Moo? (Really?)
"Come on, Ike!" Kyle shouted to his brother, "I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!"
Ike shook his head, "Don't kick the baby."
"Moo moo, moo. Moo moo, moo. Moo. (We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and we have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise.)" The Visitor explained to the cows.
"What the hell are they talking about?" Cartman asked.
"Moo moo? (Why did you turn some of us inside out?)" The middle, brown-spotted cow asked.
"Moo moo, moo. Moo. (Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new.)" The Visitor answered.
The Visitor of the left raised his hand, "Moo...moo...moo. (Yeah, sorry about that. My bad!)"
"Ike!" Kyle shouted to his brother, who refused to move.
"Moo moo. Moo moo. Moo. (Take this device. It is a gift from us.)" The Visitors gave the cows a strange device, that looked like a high-tech radio.
The cows looked at the machine and at each other. They gave a Visitors a thankful nod.
"Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!" Kyle told his brother.
"It's my turn!" The baby shouted.
He jumped out of the ship. Sam ran underneath and caught the baby boy, before he hit the snow. The satellite returned into Cartman's butt.
The Visitors waved farewell to the cows, "Moo moo. Moo moo. (Farewell cows, peace be with you!)"
They disappeared and the Mother-ship started beaming Cartman up with a tractor beam. The rope kept Cartman in mid-air.
"You guys, get me down from here!" Cartman shouted at us.
However, he farted fire again, "Ow!" The fire burned the rope and it snapped. Cartman got abducted, Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!"
Stan sighed in relief, "Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with."
Kyle nodded, "Yeah." Then smiled at his brother, "Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike."
"Oh, he fly out the sky." The Canadian baby boy mumbled.
"Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner." Kyle told his brother, then made their way home.
"Oh, yeah." Sam gasped, "We better get home too, Ellie."
Sam and I left Wendy and Stan, making our way home for dinner.
*The Next Morning, at the Bus Stop...*
Stan Marsh's POV.
"Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around." I spoke up, as Kyle and I waited for the bus to school.
Kyle nodded, "Yeah, we're running out of friends."
"Hey guys. Mind if we join you?" A familiar voice greeted.
Kyle and I looked and saw it was Ellie and Sam.
I smiled, "Sure. The more the merrier."
Sam and Ellie joined us at the bus stop. You know, this feels right. It's like the new girls were meant to be here, with us.
"I wonder what that thing was that the Visitors gave the cows." I wondered.
"I guess we'll never find out." Sam shrugged.
"Yeah, you're right." I nodded.
Then Ellie looked up. She quickly stepped aside. Cartman landed in the snow, with pinkeye in his left eye.
"Oh, hey Cartman." I greeted.
"Wow Cartman, the Visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school." Kyle smiled.
Cartman sighed and yawned, "Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night."
"Really, what about?" I asked.
"Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt." Cartman explained his dream, "And then there was... Hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye."
Kyle, Ellie, Sam and I looked at each other.
"That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened." I told Cartman.
"Oh right, why don't I have pinkeye then?" Cartman asked me in a sarcastic, matter-of-fact tone.
"Cartman, you do have pinkeye." Ellie explained, grabbing a small mirror from her backpack.
She showed Cartman his reflection. Cartman growled, "Ahh, son of a bitch!"
Sam smiled, "You know, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."