So you want to fuck Deadpool! Well, isn't that ambitious of you. After all, people are climbing all over the good ol' 'Pool's dick these days, what with there being very famous movies (and some very clever promos! go PR!) featuring our dashing hero. It's been a nonstop fuckfest. Cum is everywhere, because that might be one of his kinks. That aside! Let's get down to it.

You, Reader, are walking down the streets of [hometown]. You pass a newsstand (because those totally still exist), and all over the covers of these newspapers is, Ryan Reynolds makes a smash in Deadpool 2. Fuck Ryan Reynolds, you think, maybe literally, that handsome devil, and you keep going. You're a normal son of a gun who just wants a cup of coffee at your favorite coffee joint.

You walk inside, and you are immediately dazzled as you see the man sitting at the table by the door. He's wearing a mask, but you're sure that his expression is thoughtful and alluring. You walk up to the table, unsure of yourself, you little wilting flower you, but who can blame you? Such a muscular specimen of a man is imposing, but will bottom in a hot minute to the right guy, friend, just say the word.

Anyway. "Nice suit," you say. "It makes you look like such a goddamn badass."

"I know," he says cheerfully, and you think, this is a man that can make a unicorn plushie seem manly. "I am a goddamn badass, thanks for noticing."

"Can I sit with you?" you say after summoning all your courage at the awesomeness before you.

"Buy me some coffee," Deadpool says, and you bet that's a very handsome if disfigured smirk under there, and holy shit! You're making some headway! Good job, kid!

You buy Deadpool the coffee that's basically his lifeblood and a pastry, because real men love pastries, and he gives you a high five before lifting the bottom of his mask. All right, so maaaaybe his skin's a little weird, but that is still a cool super suit. (Insert Incredibles reference here.) "My name's Deadpool," he says conversationally. "And is that Hulk fisting fanfic in the next tab over? Wow, that is... isomething/i. I think I could be into that. Do I have Bruce Banner's number?"

You are totally impressed by the way he just looked into your browsing history, but are maybe a little worried because further down the list you've got some extra weird shit that you've been researching (for a story! for an art piece! sure, kiddo, sure). "I guess I should've expected some fourth-wall breaking, but don't you think this is getting a little bit weird?" you say.

"If you didn't come here for weird I don't know what you came here for," Deadpool admits.

"Coffee, originally," you point out.

"That was a thinly-veiled excuse to turn this into a coffeeshop AU," he points out in return, comfortably eating his pastry.

"I thought most coffeeshop AUs have people working in coffeeshops, not meeting in them," you say.

"You're way overthinking this, and also I wanted a pastry," Deadpool says, and shrugs, tossing the pastry wrapper on the table. "Anyway. Want to fuck?"

Because you are totally into people who look like the human equivalent of balls scrubbed with iron wool, you say, "Uh, yes." The two of you skip off into the sunset; Deadpool grabs your ass as you unload your kinkiest fantasies for his approval. (He totally ticks your favorite boxes, because he's cool like that, and luckily you have the necessary tools.)

It's gonna be a great night.

[INSERT INSERTION AND WEIRD SHIT OF YOUR CHOICE HERE]

[INSERT MORE WEIRD SHIT HERE]

[SERIOUSLY YOU'RE INTO SOME CRAZY SHIT]

[BUT IT'S WADE WILSON SO WHO CAN BLAME YOU]

[I MEAN THE GUY IS JUST A MUSE FOR CRAZY]

[WOW, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO TAKE THAT MUCH AT ONCE]

Later, as you're reeling from awesome sex, Deadpool pats your head. "Gotta go," he says. "There's a Cable/Deadpool fic waiting for me and I can't wait to see what he does with that arm."

"What about Spideypool?" you ask.

"You don't even want to know." He sends you an exaggerated wink as he pulls on his suit. "Or maybe you do. A little bird said look one tab over in the author's browser."

"You should probably go fuck Cable before this fic collapses in under the weight of its own premise," you say.

"Yeah," Deadpool agrees, and pulls on his mask again. "'Bye!"

This was arguably the best day of your life.