A/N: I'm having fun today!

.

Kakuzu

Before setting out on the mission to summon help from another world, Clone Hidan had possessed the basic decency to inform Kakuzu about it. Kakuzu and the demon boy watched as the summoning party walked through the giant portal to their destination. A few seconds later, Little One hopped through in the opposite direction, causing the portal to automatically close. The three other dolls had insisted on spectating. They raised their arms and jumped up and down in their version of a standing ovation. Kakuzu turned to the demon boy. "Why aren't you going with them? I would have thought you'd love witnessing a summoning."

"Oh, I plan to be there when the action starts," the demonic child replied. "But it's been a while since we talked, hasn't it? How ya doing?"

Kakuzu tilted his head. I have no idea how to answer that question. How long has it been since anyone asked me how I was doing? "Give me a minute."

"Oh, it's like that, huh?" The demon boy nodded as if he understood. Which, given that he was an invulnerable near-omnipotent being who acted perpetually cheerful, was probably true. Kakuzu couldn't imagine anyone asking this child how he was doing, either.

Kakuzu led the demon boy and the dolls inside. He pulled out the chair from behind the lobby desk and rolled it towards the dolls. Instead of climbing onto it as expected, they turned it on its side and poked at the wheels. They weren't causing trouble, so Kakuzu ignored them. He and the demon boy stood just in front of the desk, facing each other. Kakuzu said, "Now that I've had a minute, I would describe myself as resigned and slightly frustrated. You?"

"A bit anxious, scattered, yet somehow simultaneously bored," the demon boy replied. His tone of voice lacked its usual teasing, unserious note. Without it, he sounded far more mature than he ever had before.

Kakuzu crossed his arms. "I suspect that my current state has a lot to do with everyone leaving the base, forcing me to watch over it until they return. Again."

The demon boy put on a thinking face. "I suspect that my current state has a lot to do with too much excitement. I've just been constantly pursuing and creating excitement for a while now, you know? I never felt like my existence had anything to it except excitement. But which comes first: the chicken or the egg? I felt fine earlier, but after the big kick-up of excitement over that laptop, now I feel a bit empty."

Kakuzu raised his eyebrows. I'd expect that sort of introspection from Itachi, not from this kid. "You've been thinking about this for a while, haven't you?"

"I'd have to be a big stupidheaded idiot not to!" the demon boy replied. "Years! Multiple whole years of big excitement, followed by blah empty jittery feeling. Excitement, empty jitters. Excitement, jitters. Over and over and over for years. I'm not blind."

"But you are in constant motion," Kakuzu replied. "Taking stock of one's life generally requires stopping and looking back, neither of which I would have included on a list of your primary talents."

"Yeah, it's true that I sorta never did any of that before I met all of you guys…" the demon boy admitted.

Kakuzu laughed. "We are a source of stability to you? Ha! You're the only being in all of existence who can say that."

The demon boy waved and called, "Hey buddies!" Kakuzu looked over his shoulder. The dolls had abandoned the chair. They were now far more interested in gathering around the demon boy and staring up at him. The boy sat on the floor so he could be on their level and pat their heads. Warlic waved his arms. The boy replied, "No, it's all good! There's no problem. This conversation is really nice."

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. "Can you understand them telepathically?"

"Yeah. They heard what I was saying and they're trying to be nice to me." Now that the demon boy had confirmed he was not in distress, the dolls sat down. Aside from holding themselves upright, they became as inactive as nonliving dolls, offering nothing but silent companionship.

Kakuzu followed their example and sat crosslegged on the floor. "As I was saying before they came over… Many of the members of this group are exactly like you. Only a being who lacks a physical existence can find stability in this crew."

The demon boy rolled his head in a circle, looking around the lobby from floor to ceiling. "Huh. I just thought of something. You guys've lived here for months now, right?"

"Correct."

"So why do you still think of this building as abandoned?"

Kakuzu blinked. "What are you talking about?"

"Whenever you're not calling it your base, you think of it as an abandoned hotel."

"That's what it is. Konan gathered us inside an abandoned building."

"That's what it was back then, sure." The demon boy crossed his arms. "But now, it's got all sorts of utilities and training rooms and a game room and a working kitchen sink. It's not abandoned, and it's not a hotel either. Hotels don't double as laboratories."

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes. He doesn't live here, so he's got some nerve questioning what language we, the people who do live here, choose to use. "Your point is?"

"Uh… Gimme a minute." The demon boy thought hard. Then his face lit up. "I remember now! Do you think of this place as abandoned for the same reason you're feeling resentful?"

Kakuzu's train of thought jumped the tracks. What the hell is he talking about? How does the condition of a building have anything to do with resentment? But then, Kakuzu remembered his reason for resentment: every competent member of the group, everyone who could be trusted to protect the building in case of attack and look after its basic needs in peacetime, leaving. Oh. Damn.

The demon boy giggled. Kakuzu put his usual stern look back on his face and told the boy, "Stop looking so smug."

"~I had a good idea~"

"Oh, shut up. I all but handed it to you." Kakuzu looked down. "Half the group makes adventuring their top priority. They're always busy on some new mission or bit of research. Of the people who aren't, half of those have day jobs, and any time not spent earning money that is necessary for survival is spent cleaning up the messes left behind from too much adventuring. And frankly, we're not doing well on the money front. Only a few members have any sort of income, and the supply that Hidan built up over decades of receiving occasional gifts is running dry. This is not a sustainable situation."

The demon boy blinked. "Oooohhh, right, other people can't just manifest any material object they need."

Kakuzu shook his head. "That's not the problem. Have you noticed that fucking magical books moved into our base of their own accord? Research materials and related supplies practically leap into our hands. No, the problem is with basic fundamental necessities. Food. I'm referring to food. Unlike you, we need to eat, we need to eat regularly, and food is not one of the resources that the universe just hands to us."

"And food can only be bought with money, so… Need more money?"

"Yes. Need more money."

"That would cut down on the fun, though."

"Yes. That's exactly the problem." Kakuzu growled in frustration. "In order to earn money, one has to obey limitations. Very few of us are interested in or capable of that."

"Eating seems kinda important," the demon boy replied.

Kakuzu sighed. "It is. However, I'm not stupid enough to discount adventuring and research as inconsequential. Everyone has very good reasons for prioritizing what they do. That's why I haven't brought up this problem. But something is going to have to change soon."

"Change? There's plenty of that going around!"

"Yes, but not the right kind."

The demon boy shrugged. He could not help with a problem like this. Yet somehow, Kakuzu felt better after talking to him. When did I stop having people to talk to? Clone Hidan's whole existence is that of being a good listener, and Kisame and Sasori understand my concerns. Konan does, too. Although… All of them are very busy lately. They are already doing everything they can to keep order. It isn't fair to ask them to do more.

Soon after, the demon boy's eyes lit up. He announced that the summoning was starting. As Kakuzu waved goodbye and watched the boy fly away, he thought again about the problem of change. Change was needed, but not the sort of change that they reliably found everywhere they looked. The sort of change that was needed was so elusive that Kakuzu couldn't imagine its exact nature. All he knew was, Not this. No more of this.

That wasn't the most helpful definition.

Deidara

Deidara slowly backed away from the lobby, careful not to make any sound. Kakuzu would not appreciate eavesdropping, especially not on a conversation so…personal. He didn't know how or when the demon boy and Kakuzu had become so friendly, but by the time he'd come walking up to the lobby intending to find out how the business with the laptop was going, Kakuzu was relaxed enough to laugh. How could Deidara resist listening in on something so rare? So he had inadvertently listened in on Kakuzu's most secret fears, on the true state of group affairs, and now his heart was racing. Deidara hid in the kitchen so he could claim to have been snacking. He gulped. Fuck! I got a part-time job as a personal development thing, hm. I didn't realize I was part of a minimalist crew responsible for stopping us all from starving to death. What the fuck do I do with this information?!

He calmed himself by thinking, At least knowing this information makes me important. I know something that other people don't. His shoulders slumped. Fat lot of good that does, yeah. What can I do to fix what sounds like our whole entire way of life and the structure of our universe? Even if I tried to get a second job or upgrade to full-time, it wouldn't solve anything.

He left the kitchen and walked slowly down the hallway past the sunroom, past Sasori's room, heading for the back yard. He wondered as he walked, What good am I? Hopefully the greenery and sunshine of the outdoors would help him feel better. He might even find an answer to his question, though that seemed as likely as growing scales and a second head. He'd found self-worth as a counterweight once, but that was before the dolls joined. Deidara was a young kid with a knack for causing explosive mayhem who otherwise needed to be looked after. Literally every part of that description was something the dolls did better. Even Deidara's services as a flying taxi were no longer requested; it was easier and more convenient to send someone ahead to the target location with a doll in hand. There seemed to no longer be a unique role that only he could fill. I guess I should just accept my role as one of the crew, yeah. Just another warm body. Sometimes all you need are warm bodies.

He put his hand on the knob of the door that led to the backyard, intending to push the door open. But his hand did not move. Deidara looked down at it and felt the same old spark he'd always felt flare to life again. I used to be the wild and crazy guy who played with explosives. That was my talent. I can move, I can break things, I can blow shit up. At first, none of that was wanted. Now it's wanted, but too much - the demand for chaos is high enough to make people summon living dolls to provide it. There was a sweet spot in the middle where I was useful. I chatted with demons, helped Clone Yahiko figure things out, kept Itachi company. Now there is nobody in this entire group who needs me, who wants me, ME, Deidara, specifically. And I'm supposed to just fucking accept that?!

He turned around and stormed back the way he had come, fuming. He stopped after a short distance, suddenly afraid. I can't stand this. I can't fucking stand it! No, no. Take deep breaths. Calm down. Freaking out helps nobody. There's nothing that needs blowing up, so I should just chill.

Well, nothing except our entire way of life and relation to the universe.

He had stopped right next to the stairs leading down to the basement. Deidara looked at those stairs and shook his head. Kakuzu was right; we have enough change. A god of vitality lives in our basement. What more explosive change could you ask for? We don't need any more of that.

Deidara began to meditate on the symbol of Jashin and the effects of having it in the basement. He and everyone else had long since grown accustomed to its influence, but that didn't mean they were no longer influenced. Could Jashin sama be held responsible for the increasingly and frankly unhealthy levels of chaos? Blaming a god for all their problems certainly would be convenient, but Deidara wasn't sure that would be helpful. Something about the idea intrigued him, though.

The back door opened and closed, pulling Deidara from his thoughts. He went back down the hallway and found the masked man standing just inside the building, looking around. Judging from the confusion in his movements, either Tobi or Obito could have been in control. The masked man asked, "Where did everyone go?" It was Obito.

"Either at work or fixing Sasori's laptop," Deidara replied. "Even Zetsu's acting as a protection detail, yeah. That leaves the base real empty - just you, me, Kakuzu and the dolls."

"Oh. I thought…"

"Yeah?"

Obito shrugged. "When I woke up, there was a note next to my head telling me to investigate nature spirits, faeries, that sort of thing. I remembered about the lake, so I went out there and tried to look for anything useful. I didn't find anything, but I thought, since the lake water is filled with energy, maybe Yahiko would like to have some of it. Water from the lake might have special properties that he could use in his healing."

"Huh. That's a really good point. He likes to use water in his healing, but he's never used special water. Water from the lake, water from that stingray pool at the aquarium… I bet water from that place would be really helpful in healing. Amita sama's good at soothing and cleaning and making people feel better, so that water would probably make healing 10 times more effective. I wonder if I could fly over there with a jar and gather some when nobody's looking."

"Oh, I'd forgotten about that place," Obito said. "I - I think it's a good idea. You should. I can take a jar and get some water from the lake."

The two of them went to the kitchen to look for containment vessels. Deidara was reminded of his earlier thoughts. As he bent down to look inside a cabinet, he asked, "Do you ever wonder what you're good for?"

Obito put something on the counter. "Yes."

"I was wondering about it just a little while ago. The only thing I'm really good at is flying and causing explosive mayhem. The dolls do both of those things better than me, so what's left for me to do, yeah?"

"Well… Something that I can do that nobody else can do is find exactly the right areas to target. With my Sharingan, I can see when and where to do things. The dolls, they just run around causing mayhem everywhere. They don't have any direction or planning. That's something you're better at than they are."

Deidara sighed as he pulled out an old jelly jar. "Direction and planning don't mesh well with the sort of mayhem we use around here. The sort of chaos we live with busts up plans and distorts directions. I know what you're talking about - I used to cause exactly that sort of targeted chaos when I was in the military - but it's not a workable strategy around here. Our chaos is the wrong type."

"Are you talking about that god that Zetsu doesn't like?"

"Yeah. I am." Deidara joined Obito at the counter to the left of the kitchen sink. They had assembled a moderate collection of small to medium-sized jars, but there were no big jars that were not currently being used. "Looks like we should bring backpacks or storage seals or something. We're gonna have to carry multiple of these things in order to get enough water."

Obito divided the collection of jars in two. "Why did you put the symbol of a god in your basement? Did you need its power for something?"

"Nah, I think it was installed just because." At Obito's quizzical head-tilt, Deidara explained, "Konan got some blank papers, put them under Clone Hidan's head, and followed the instructions that appeared on them just because she could. It was a surprise to the rest of us. We never asked to have a god move in with us." Deidara grinned. "Kakuzu really hated it. He had anger problems for a while after, yeah!"

"Really? He seems so calm now."

Deidara blinked rapidly. His smile slowly fell as he stared at the wall. "Yeah. He's calm now. Because he got something to stop the symbol from affecting him so that it wouldn't make him angry anymore." He turned to Obito. "Obi, you're a friggin' genius."

"If there's a way to protect people from the effects of the symbol -"

"- then if we could give it to everyone, not just Kakuzu, the whole group might calm down!" Deidara's heart beat high and fast in his chest. This is it! This is what I was looking for: a way to change our whole entire lifestyle! It'll fix everything!

"But wait," Obito said. "If we can't feel the energy surrounding us, won't that leave us unable to react to it? Zetsu says there are high levels of this energy all around this area. We'd have to give everyone similar protection: the cubi, the vampires, even the normal people. Otherwise they'll be chaotic but we won't be, and we won't be able to understand why they're acting chaotic or what to do about it."

Deidara laughed. "That wouldn't be a big deal, hm. Kakuzu's really good at understanding and reacting to the rest of…"

When he didn't finish the sentence, Obito grew tense. "Deidara? What is it?"

I'm wrong. Kakuzu ISN'T any good at dealing with the rest of us. Even when he sees a problem that affects our ability to fucking EAT, he can't convince anyone to do anything about it. We're caught up in something he's not part of, we're racing in all directions ahead of and away from him, and there's nothing he or the rest of us can do to change that. Deidara looked down and muttered, "Nevermind. You're right. It's not a good idea."

Obito looked around and lowered his voice. "Is Kakuzu okay?"

Deidara wanted to tell him. He wanted to share the burden. But what can Obito do, hm? He's not in the most hirable condition. So all Deidara said was, "He's not happy that everyone keeps going out on magical adventures while he's the only person who consistently stays home and keeps track of basic things. It's like he's the only one keeping order around here, making sure everyone eats and drinks and has a roof overhead, yeah."

"He's your Zetsu."

Deidara pushed his ponytail back. "Eh… Zetsu's half plant. Kakuzu's human, just cut off from Jashin sama. There's a bit of a difference. I don't think Zetsu could keep up with the rest of us as well as Kakuzu manages to. Zetsu's a little too peaceful."

Obito nodded. "That makes sense. Zetsu has a stronger connection to Amita sama in addition to a weaker link to Jashin sama. Wow, the gods explain a lot."

A strange feeling came over Deidara. He found himself staring at the wall again. It felt like he was waiting for something. He could not have said what, but he obeyed the impulse. When Obito asked a question, Deidara did not respond. Thoughts began to flash through his mind. They were all things he had noticed, heard or said before. Now, gathered together, they gained a new significance.

"Um… Should I get help…?"

Deidara blinked forcefully. He straightened up. "No, I'm good." His own voice sounded like it was coming from far away. His mind was racing far, far ahead, into an imaginary scenario so outrageous and likely to cause havoc that Deidara knew it was his destiny. "Do you have a weapons seal?"

"Uh, no."

"A backpack?"

"Yes, I think so. Tobi often wants to carry things."

"Carry your jars in that, then. I'll carry mine in my weapons seal." Deidara began sealing his half of the jars into his left forearm.

Obito gathered his half more closely together. "Am I still a genius even if insulating people from the gods is a bad idea?"

Deidara sealed away the last of his empty jars, turned to Obito and said, "Obi, you are more of a genius than ever, yeah. You were right. The dolls can do all sorts of things, but they don't know where and how. I do." He grinned. "I know exactly what this group needs."

.

Deidara walked into the aquarium. He looked for the stingray pool and spotted it easily. A group of children - Boy Scouts, judging from the uniforms - were gathered nearby with their troop leader. They soon moved on. Deidara walked up to the woman overseeing the exhibit and told her, "Hey. I'm one of Kisame's friends. Deidara."

"Deidara…" The woman thought hard. "Can't place it. You must not be at the center of any juicy gossip."

Ouch, but she's right. "Yeah, I'm usually pretty boring." Deidara grinned. "Not right now, though!"

Her eyes widened. "What are you up to now?"

"I can't tell you. It's a secret. Take this." Deidara handed her a folder. "Put it next to the tank somewhere. Ask Kisame to bring it home with him when he gets out for the day."

The woman gave him a hard look. "I take my job seriously, you know. I can't be stashing who-knows-what in public spaces just because a friend of a friend asks me to."

"I don't mind if you look inside, yeah."

She opened the folder and frowned. "These sheets of paper are blank."

"If I'm right, they won't be by the time Kisame picks them up."

The woman bit her lip. She muttered as if to herself, "How badly am I gonna want to hear about this…"

Deidara shrugged. "At bare minimum, Kisame's gonna have some cuss words about it."

The woman's lips twisted like she was trying to hold herself back from puppyish excitement and failing. Eventually she let it all out in a sigh. "Alright. You bastard. I'm in. I'm gonna remember you from now on."

Deidara laughed. That was all I ever fantasized about as a kid! A childhood dream come true! He looked around, saw nobody, and whispered quickly, "Is it okay if I fill a few jelly jars with water from the pool? The pool has special healing powers. Water from it might be really handy."

"Be really quick. I don't want to have to explain that."

The Great Pool Water Heist went off without incident. Deidara resealed the filled jars in his left forearm, waved goodbye to the woman and left. As he walked out the doors of the aquarium, he rubbed the location of his storage seal. The seal felt cool and tingly, thankfully in a pleasant way. Deidara shuddered as he imagined what Jashinist water would feel like. Just as well Obi's using a backpack, yeah. I need to get this water out of my seal quickly. He hopped onto the back of his clay owl, which was sensibly parked in a parking space like any other vehicle, and flew as fast as he dared towards the base. After unloading the jars, he would have just enough time to get ready for his shift. Oh man, it's gonna be the best shift ever, yeah!

.

A/N: I have actual PLANS for the next chapter or two. How long has it been since that happened?! Oh, this is gonna be great!

Happy Ides of March! See y'all next week! (And get extra sleep tonight if you're affected by Daylight Savings Time. Car crashes and heart attacks are no joke.)