Meatloaf: The Necro-Vigil Chronicles Part 6
Batman was crying. He was bawling like a baby over the wreck of the Batmobile that was lying like a junkyard pancake underneath the space pod. Alfred sat nonchalantly on an office chair in front of a computer with his feet up on the console eating a British Breakfast Burrito and occasionally flicking a limp wrist holding another handkerchief in Batman's direction (The Caped Cryer was at Alfred's feet with his knees pulled to his chest and a pile of used tissues building up in front of him.)
"Now Mr. Batman sir, what are you crying about first. What should we rectify and reassure you about to begin with?" Meatloaf felt a sudden rush of affection for Batman; here was another human who had a dysfunctional life like him… if not it seemed even worse. Though judging by the way his butler seemed to be looking after him, maybe he had some sort of mental handicap… The rock star sat down on Batman's other side and offered him the scarf that was always tied around his finger. Batman threw the last of Alfred's gentlemanly monogrammed handkerchiefs onto the pile and accepted Meatloaf's.
"The Batmobile has gone, I'm useless at what I do and WHY CAN HE BECOME A BAT BUT I CAN'T?" Meatloaf was surprised at that.
"I don't actually know why this happened." Meat admitted. "It just happened one day after I was captured by Vegans and high-pitched noises make me transform. " Batman bawled louder now that he knew there was very little hope for him to live up to his namesake. Meat put an arm around the Caped Crusader.
"Look man, we can't worry about that right now. And as for your truck…." He looked at the tires bursting from under the escape pod
"…Well we'll fix it up. But we need to do something about that shitstorm outside." He marched over to Alfred's sixteen screen CCTV station in the corner of the Batcave and watched the pillaging and burning rage in Gotham.
"HOW CCCCAN I…. DOOO….. ANY….THING WHEN… I'M…. A…. FAILURE!" Batman shrieked. That was it. Alfred had had enough of his whining. With some sort of superhuman strength the old bum grabbed Batman by the straps of his hero boots and pulled them up high above his head and hooked them onto the overhanging debris of the crashed pod. Batman shut up and grunted in surprise as he smunk helplessly in the doorway of the pod. Alfred knelt down as Meatloaf turned to see what the sudden quiet was all about.
"DO YOU WANT TO BE A SUCCESS IN LIFE SIR?" The butler yelled. Batman gulped in shock and Strepsiled
"DO YOU WANT TO RESTORE PEACE TO GOTHAM SO YOU CAN LEARN TO BECOME A BAT?"
"Of course Alfred but…" he stuttered but Alfred had the look of a commander who had just discovered that his new private was sleeping with his wife."
"AND AM I SUPPOSED TO BUY YOU A NEW CAR SIR? EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF KEEPING HER IN ONE PEACE AND FREE OF YOUR FECES SIR?"
"Yeah…?" he muttered without conviction.
"WELL YOU'D BETTER GET YOUR GADGETS AND YOUR NEW FRIEND AND GO AND SAVE THE BLOODY CITY HADN'T YOU?!" Alfred roared sounding far more like a common Londoner than he normally did. (It came back when he was either incredibly angry or when he was out with the Old Boys.) He hit the overhanging debris with a broom and batman fell to the floor where he scrabbled to his feet, fell over again as the blood rushed away from his head and reached for Meatloaf's hand.
"To the armory before he realises I've shit my pants…" he muttered and yanked the Rockstar away.
"Well hold onto that, it might come in useful man." Meatloaf responded as they ran down the corridor (he was remembering how useful the shit shooter had been previously) Batman stopped at a cabinet full of various Bat gadgets he owned. He threw Meatloaf his spare Batbelt (not yet the victim of a Diaroea attack) a series of Batamarangs and a can of mysterious Bat Spraystuff that he had forgotten to label so did not know if it was Bat Exploding Foam, Bat Freezing Foam, Bat Lube (great for enabling him to crawl through tight ventilation shafts but was also popular with the ladies) or Bat Bug Exterminating Spray. He looked at it and stretched his masked face into a "hell if I know what this shit is" expression.
"Just don't spray it on your cock or a body hole and you'll be fine. " he assured Meat and pushed the bottle into the spare Batbelt. Meatloaf eyed the can and decided he was only going to use it in an absolute emergency. He helped himself to various pieces of shoulder armor, a set of Bat earmuffs and got ready to relive his Hell's Angel days as Batman handed him the Bat Baseball Bat.
"Ready?" Meat asked in a half yell. He watched as the poor guy's mouth wobbled.
"Um… I think so." Meat didn't hear his response but they both nodded and dashed out of the batcave as Alfred's yell of
"GET OUT THERE YOU MISERABLE LUMP AND MAKE YOURSELF PROUD!... SIR"
The air was thick with smoke as they emerged from their sanctuary. Every criminal was running riot blowing up cars and stealing and Batman thought he caught sight of the asylum natives doing their own tortuous and creepy things.
"What are you gonna' do if you hear that frequency again?" asked Batman peeling an earmuff away slightly to whisper through the gap into Meatloaf's ear. Meatloaf grunted as it sprung back.
"I'm wondering if I can't hear it, will I still turn?" He felt Batman put a large necklace made of wires around his neck.
"Bat tracking device. If you change, I'll know where you are. Or Alfred will and we'll find you." Batman took out the Bat Rope Gun and ran forward into the smoke. Meat followed him wielding the Bat Bat and wishing that someone was photographing him as it would make a nice cover for a Hell's Angel hobby magazine. Citizens were cowering under trucks and cars and as the crooks and anarchists came running at them, they went down like a sack of potatoes as the Bat weapons hit them and knocked them out cold, causing sudden shit waves to splurge out of suddenly relaxing bowels (The pettier inmates of the asylum were particularly loose as it was Victorian institution that kept to the original regimen of feeding all prisoners watery oatmeal three times a day to keep them too weak to rebel. Unfortunately their hormones were so out of balance and over produced that they were driven by them rather than their natural metabolism and so even a pathetic diet could not stop them being total maniacs. But the near liquid diet meant their colons never really stopped pouring) Meatloaf lost sight of Batman but carried on attacking anyone who ran at him looking like a criminal, while Batman seemed to be restraining them with his Bat Rope Gun as bodies quasi cocooned in cords kept turning up at his feet. And then….
Something was happening in his body. He felt his atoms go all weird again…. But they didn't seem to resonate in his head as much as the other times.
"BATMAN!" he yelled as loudly as if he was the one with his spiked wrist cuff tied around his dong. He could feel his legs starting to shorten. As he fell into a shit puddle, Batman lay a hand on his shoulders.
"IS IT HAPPENING AGAIN?" he yelled. Meatloaf nodded.
"BUT IT FEELS DIFFERENT THIS TIME MAN!" Meat's body was almost gone. (Batman withdrew his hand quickly to avoid another MeatBatMan incident. As his head morphed into the leathery mammalian snout, he realised what was different: He could think! He could decide to control his limbs and although he was sort of blind (everything was in shadow vision) as he tried to speak everything started to flash into view. It was like being in the darkest of colons with a disco strobe light showing you where to go but never showing colours. He was suddenly thankful that Batman wore such a prominent Batmask; the tall ears made it easy for Meat to find him. Now he just needed to let Batman know he was alright… Like the previous times, his guano was ready to dropped but this time he seemed to have more control over it. Flapping his wings and practising his movement he started selectively shitting on a clean patch of asphalt while Batman watched in awe.
"YOU CAN CONTROL IT?" He watched as MeatBat shat a tick in the affirmative and then demanded that Batman stop shouting (despite the earmuffs that had Batmorficised with him into over-knobbly bat ears, hs hearing was still incredibly sensitive.) Batman took some rope from the Bat Rope Gun and fashioned a small harness for MeatBat. He then tied a long length of turdy rope to it and then through the back of his bat armor.
"Fly me over everyone so I can rain ordinance and rope over the crooks." Meatloaf shat in response that he wasn't strong enough.
"But you got me to space! Of course you are strong enough." Meatbat flapped his wing on Batman's hand in a sort of high five and then started flying. Batman cried out happily as he felt the rope tighten and his beshitted boots leave the ground. He grinned at the thought that he was flying and aimed a handful of Battamarangs… but then the physics kicked in and he started to spin on the rope as Meatbat rose quickly and dodged airborne obstacles like low swooping birds and traffic lights. Thankfully his sonar Batsight was not affected by the thick smoke. Batman started yelling as he was swung like a flaccid dick in all directions and spun faster than a nymphomaniac sitting on a traffic cone. Rope and Battamarangs fell to the ground and waylaid the criminals by knocking them out or causing bondage orgasms.
Meatbat suddenly shrieked as somebody unexpectedly appeared in his vision. Unfortuatley physics prevailed and the motion of Batman swinging across the sky beneath him made Meatbat plough headlong into the human like a sex starved cock into a rotten melon. The human stopped dead and started falling to the ground. Meatbat faltered and found himself falling through the air as he tried to flap faster before they hit the ground.
They hit the ground and Batman's stomach emptied itself all over an rope-cocooned punk with a battamarang embedded in his forehead (he was so hard-core and insane that it hadn't actually managed to reach his frontal lobe and so he was still alive if a little stunned. )
"Ow..." Batman groaned as the leathery flying thing flopped onto his chest. At his feet lay what looked like a non-Asian monk in a red cape… which seemed to be struggling underneath him and poking him in the face. Batman shook his head and blamed the smoke and motion sickness for the hallucination. He got up and helped Meatbat hover in the air before removing the rope. (he made a mental note never to attend a Shibari party. He didn't think vomiting over everyone while he was suspended for their sexual viewing would get him laid) He slapped the face of the monk and his eyes popped open just as Cape got its revenge and slapped Batman in return.
"Leave him alone Cape." The man said and sat up. He had a shaped beard and a huge blingy medallion around his neck, traditional Asian robes and a Cape that was now stroking his face with its collar. "What's going on here?" Batman didn't answer as he was watching the velvet article flap gently around the man almost in a caressing hug. Meatbat started shitting on the ground as fast as he could to explain the situation. When he ran out of guano, he tried scratching into the dirt with the claw on the und of his wing and found that worked well.
"So all these criminals are here because of a guy called Joker? And you're a man who's a bat because of a weird machine? But how is it possible to resonate human physiology and rearrange …"
"Shut up, we've got bigger fish to fry." Batman finally interjected. "We need to tie all these crooks up and pile 'em back into the asylum and jail.". He watched in awe as the man conjured up a magical harness around Batman and the two of them flew into the air followed by Meatbat.
"If we can shut them in the mirror universe, Gotham will be safe. I'm Doctor Strange by the way." Stephen called down to them both. (Meatbat was sticking with his Bat brother.) Batman looked confused and didn't know what the hell he was talking about. "Just carry on throwing those ninja star things and knocking them all down and I'll do the rest. Batguy? " He looked at Meatbat while being glared at in jealousy. HE was the original 'Batguy' Batman thought in a huff. But never mind, jealousy could wait. The Doc flew him expertly through the sky (this time he didn't spin or swing: He was as steady a rock hard cock dipped in cement by the mob.) as Batman deployed various Batamarangs and Bat Freezing Foam Grenades while Stephen levitated the crooks into some sort of mirror thing. Meatbat meanwhile flew around and attacked any bad guy he came across by clawing their face until Stephen lassooed them and dragged them away.
Meatbat felt he was getting good at this. He was one with his batform and it was actually quite liberating to have a different form and fly through the air. He wondered if he could impress women with it… Before long the mirror dimension was bulging with deranged criminals. Only two remained free: Harley and her Jokey. The problem was any time they got near him he increased the frequency of the ultrasonic machine and the weapons Batman was throwing at him shattered under resonance. Stephen was also having trouble: he couldn't use magic while holding the mirror dimension closed AND keeping Batman suspended above the scene. And Meatbat was starting to find his senses obscured by the intense sonar interference.
"I CAN'T ATTACK HIM!" The Doc yelled down at Batman.
"MY GEAR IS USELESS! IT WON'T WORK!" He yelled back as his last weapon shrapnelled itself over a wide area.
Meatbat needed to do something. He needed that Joker guy to quit it with the sonar machine. But Batman was the only one who had any ability to do something… and then he realised what needed to be done. The only thing Batman seemed any good at. He swooped low to the ground and found a discarded takeout cup which he grabbed in his jaws and used to scoop up the turd pool water from the ground. He flew back up to Batman who was howling at his own failure. He promptly shut up as a cup of liquid feces was thrown down his throat. Meatbat then ripped the leather seat from Batman's pants with his teeth so that his bare ass was visible. The bat then steered the Caped Crusader over were Joker stood, though the maniac could not see them due to the smoke above.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'LL POISON HIM!" Doctor Strange yelled before he witnessed his first ever human shit bombing:
The feces that Meatbat had forced Batman to drink was full for every gastric disease that prison could bestow on its inmates. And it worked fast as most thing did with Batman. He let out a long, low guttural groan (like that feeling of euphoria hat you get when delivering a really long, wide soft shit and your body rejoices at the sudden expulsion of toxins) Before it was too late, Meatbat screeched as high pitched as he could. The shit molecules resonated and shot like lightspeed from Batman's anus straight down onto Joker's head with such a force that they pierced his body like hypodermics into an orange. The clown shrieked in pain and hit the floor while Harley cooed over him, trying to see what had happened. Meatbat gave one last screech and she collapsed to the ground too as the last of Batman's butt piss stuck her like a cactus.
"QUICK! PUSH THEM INTO THE MIRROR WORLD!" The Doc yelled, lowering Batman to the ground, where he picked up the crooks and threw them into the portal that had just appeared. "I'll take them back to the asylum. Wait here." And Stephen flew away. Batman crawled along the ground to where Meatloaf was trying to use Joker's control box. Bats flicked the switch to off and Meatloaf started to grow before his eyes. Soon the Rockstar was there in his shit covered earmuffs and leather. He lunged at Bats.
"We did it bro!" he cried and pulled him into a bear hug. Batman burst into tears of happiness.
"Yeah… we did… Look… maybe we can work on that machine together? You know, to figure out why you change into a bat…." He looked at Meat hesitantly. Meat smiled.
"Yeah, we'll try and figure it out together. And I could make you a model for my gothic catalogues. They'll love your muscle and your moodiness."
It was a deal. As they were shaking on this, Doctor Strange reappeared and hovered in the sky.
"I'm going back to Singapore now. You call on me any time. And make sure you replace all those lost fluids." He threw a bottle of Gatorade at Bats and flew away. Batman helped Meat to his feet.
"Come on, let's go and tell Alfred he can stop being mean to me now."
And the two men stumbled back to the Batcave.