Okay peeps, since the death of Cameron Boyce (RIP, you are missed!) I've gotten back into watching Jessie. I was never really into it, but I kinda watched it when my brother did .Anyhow, I read Elastic Heart by B_y_e Felicia and got inspired to write my own depressed! Ravi fic but I assure y'all I am not trying to copy. This is going to be different and I've done research since I'm not familiar with depression.
this will have a romance but I'm going to make sure this is slow so we can focus on Ravi for a bit. He won't notice how pretty his friend is until later. And I won't use the relationship as some kind of "cure" either. It might seem like I'm trying to bash everyone but I'm really not; this is just how Ravi perceives his family and everyone else. Lastly, this is going to be dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, panic attacks etc so if this will bother you then don't read please! Oh and also, since we really didn't know a whole lot about Ravi's life before he came to the Ross', I'm making up stuff about his past so there's also a warning for past child abuse as well
The hallway was longer than usual, a never-ending route that seemed to lengthen the more he traveled. Other than that, the locker-hallway for his class was the same, frighteningly. A tingle of fear ran down his spine, he shivered involuntarily. There was a strong urge to go back, to escape through the front exit. But he kept going; staring straight head. It was best to avoid all eye contact with his classmates, whom, in a state of unison, turned from their lockers and tore from their conversations to stare at him, to jeer at him.
Just keep going, he told himself; his breathing quickening, it will be okay.
Strickening panic was nipping at him, pointing out the obvious flaws and dashing any hopes he had of getting out unscathed. Why was he being stared at? Why did everyone have that 'knowing' gleam in their eyes? The anxiety was piling in his stomach, like a dumbbell suddenly dropped. The knot grew tighter-oh Gods, there came the queasy feeling. What did they know that he didn't?
"Hey loser!" Ravi stopped dead in his tracks, heart hammering in his chest. Not him. Mitch Tyler stepped in front of his way, a devilish smirk on his face. Mitch was one of the popular jocks that made his life a living hell. "Where do you think you're going?"
"T-to class," Ravi cursed himself for stuttering, as if Mitch needed another reason to pick on him.
"T-t-to class," Mitch mocked. Those nearby laughed and Ravi's cheeks reddened. "What a geek."
He's right. You aren't normal, when are you going to be normal?
"Are you even listening?" Two fingers snapped in front of his face, causing him to jerk in startlement. He jabbed a finger in Ravi's chest, with more force than should have been necessary. He gasped in pain, reaching a hand up to the spot that had been jabbed.
"What a wimp. Can you believe this guy? Pathetic," Mitch sneered.
"No I am not." The words flew out of Ravi's mouth before any sort of common sense took control. Once he became conscious of what he'd said, his eyes shot open and he slowly backed away as Mitch's face turned an interesting shade of purple.
"What did you say to me?" he growled, curling his meaty hands into fists.
"Nothing! Forget I said anything," Ravi said hurriedly, smiling nervously. "Let us go to class, I'm sure we have more stimulating things we could be doing to occupy our time instead of senseless arguing."
"He just called you senseless!" someone yelled.
"No," Ravi's voice went up in pitch, "I swear, I did not!"
"I think he wants to fight," someone else said slyly.
"Fight! Fight!" people began chanting, as they always did at the mildest entertainment.
Mitch cracked his knuckles. A glimmer of amusement crossed his face. "You think you got what it takes, shorty? Prove it," he said wickedly. "You think you can beat me up? Try me. Go ahead, go on."
"I do not want to prove anything," Ravi protested. Their differences in body style were against him; one swift move and he'd be on the floor, nursing a black eye-or worse. "Please, I mean no harm against you. Just let me pass."
Oh how he yearned for an ounce of bravery; a tinge, enough to push back at him for all of the misery he's caused. But it doesn't happen. He's not stupid; Ravi knew what ever action he takes will have severe consequences. It took a great deal of force to bitterly swallow down his outrage, but one glance at the jock's flexing muscles was enough to keep him in line. Look at him, he would rip you apart. How foolish you to think you could ever take him on.
But Mitch didn't listen. "You wanna see me teach him a lesson?" he asked the gathering crowd. They answered with a roar of "Yeah!" and "Make him suffer!" If he'd ever had a slight hope that there was at least one person at this God-forsaken school that might not have an aversion to him, it was way down the drain now.
"NO!" He shrieked, just as someone came up from behind him, seizing him by his arms and holding him against his will. "LET ME GO, PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!"
"Aww, little Ravi's begging again," Mitch said in a baby voice. "Is Ravi scared?"
Ravi writhed, doing whatever it took to free himself. The other person was too strong, though and tightened their grip. He was sure he'd have a bruise on both arms. He tended to bruise easily.
Mitch's hand rose in the air and Ravi winced, bracing himself for the impact. He'd been at the mercy of them previously and it never ended well. "Look at me you dork," he forced Ravi to make eye contact with him. "That's better."
Just let me go. I won't tell anyone. I swear. Much to his horror, he felt tears welling up in his eyes and Mitch saw the whole thing.
"Oh my God. The dork is crying!"
"I am not!" he tried to say but it couldn't be heard over the rumbling laughter that centered around him. Albeit he was released from the hold on him, it didn't even help matters.
"It's too bad his mommy isn't around to hold his hand," the person behind him teased. Ravi recognize that voice but couldn't put a name to it. "Oh wait," the person said, feigning innocence, "you don't have a mommy, do you Ross? That's why she gave you up."
Ravi flinched. It was no secret he was adopted; he stuck out like a sore thumb. Even Luke was often confused as the Ross' biological child due to his resemblance to their father.
"Bet she was tired of his crap," Mitch sniggered. "What a loser, not even your mom likes you. How pathetic can you be?"
The second jock, the person who had held Ravi, nudged his friend, speaking in a not to subtle voice, "I bet his mom was a whore, that's how she ended up with him."
It was at that moment, a surge of anger shot through his veins, furious that anyone would dare speak of his mother in such a way. They start laughing and it was every bit of humiliating as it could have been. Their laughter reached his ears, echoing, mocking him. Ravi did the thing he knew to do: leave.
"Hey!" Mitch barked, causing him to flinch again at the level of noise. "Where do you think you're going, short stack?" he grabbed Ravi by the back of his shirt, yanking him backwards. Ravi let out an "oof" at the impact.
"I think he needs to be taught a lesson this time."
"Yeah," the jock agreed, "mommy didn't teach him how to respect his superiors."
"What a shame," the second one mocked. "Poor little Robby is mannerless."
"My name is Ravi," Ravi stammered out, reacting with a gasp when the grip on his short tightened, pulling the material tighter around his neck. Choking him. Cutting off his air. It was scary yet exhilarating. Curiosity had him wondering what this would feel like; what dying would be like. He'd always imagined a thick rope, wrapped neatly around his neck, like a hug perhaps. A comforting hug that would soon pull him away from the pain he has known for far too long. It was the ideal death, not being choked in the middle of the hallway by a bully.
"Robby, Ravi, what's the difference? They're both stupid," the second boy was oblivious to what was occurring.
"P-please," he wheezed, "I b-beg of you..."
"You hear that!" the jock hooted with laughter, "he's begging again."
Several people began speaking at once, over stimulating his senses all at one time. Ravi's eyes darted around, taking notice of the smirking faces.
"What a dumb accent."
"I bet he's with ISIS."
"Oooh! Better watch it or he'll blow you up!"
"I heard he's not even wanted here, the teachers just pity him."
"I heard his lizard is his only friend, even his family hates him."
"Course they do. Why else would they put him up for adoption."
"I wonder if he's a serial killer."
"Probably, that's why he wears those weird clothes. He's trying to blend in."
The whispering grew louder, surrounding him in a circle that he couldn't escape. His hands covered his ears in a desperate attempt to block out the voices but they penetrated through, overwhelming him to the point he screamed.
It was happening again, for...what was it? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? Almost every night his dreams were plagued by those terrifying nightmares, balancing between reality and delusion. But what was he to do about it? It wasn't as if he had an endless, streaming support system ready at his beckon call. He was alone; fending for himself with little resources. Who was really going to care if he had a nightmare or two? Or more than he could count? Jessie would tell him not to be around when the family watched those scary movies that Luke or Emma picked out. Bertram wouldn't care as long as he didn't have to clean up anything. If anyone managed to get ahold of his parents (highly unlikely due to their tremendously busy work schedule), they'd probably just tell him everything would be okay, perhaps tell Jessie to keep a closer eye on him.
He didn't even want to imagine what his siblings would say.
Family is everything . What a joke . What an overrated statement clearly spoken from a naive person with a loving family. The complete opposite of his own. The day he'd come home from the adoption center his new family had been so happy to have him; there were so many fond memories that seemed vague now. Where was his happy ending? His bright future? It was bleak, simply put. Perhaps starvation in his village would have been better than this.
It was better than living a life unwanted.
Ravi tossed and turned for the umpteenth time; eyes scrunched shut, hands clamped into fists and his facial features contorted with distress. Every so often, at its worst peak, he would whimper for help, unbeknownst to him. Sometimes he would apologize, begging for forgiveness that he knew he didn't deserve.
"Moooom, Ravi's talking to his lizard again!"
"Uuuh, Ravi, whatcha wearing?"
"Don't worry, you'll make friends one day...I hope."
"You're gonna be one of those guys that lives alone with a cat, aren't you?"
"Son, I just wish you were a little more...well, you know, like Luke."
Sporty like Luke. Popular like Luke. Have the moves like Luke. Smooth as Luke. Luke, Luke, Luke! It had been difficult to conceal his inner seething, to resist the urge to climb a mountain top and shout that he wasn't Luke and therefore, shouldn't be held to the same standards. However, to avoid the implication that he'd gone crazy (he wasn't ), Ravi just stopped most of his interaction with people. Not only in relation to the Luke topic but in general. Keeping quiet was helpful when you've got nothing worthwhile to share.
"Uuugh," Ravi groaned, arching his back. "No, no, get away." With a violent toss, he flipped from side-to-side for the umpteenth time. His eyes were scrunched tightly shut and his facial features were contorted with distress. He pawed at the air, his actions becoming more and more frantic. "Get away, get away, please," he muttered. His arms shot out, trying to knock down the invisible person attacking him. Incidentally, he pushed his alarm clock off his nightstand, sending it to the floor with a loud crash.
"NOOO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" He shot up in the middle of the bed, blinded by fear and adrenaline pulsing through his veins that left him on edge; ready to attack whoever would dare to get in his way. His scream had reverberated off the walls until it bounced back in his direction. His scream, weak and hoarse, hardly recognizable to his own ears.
Was it only a dream? He thought dazedly, his mind still swarming dangerously. It felt so real . So real. So real. He touched his neck faintly, caressing the skin near his collarbone. The feeling of his shirt being pressed against it, cutting of any circulation was still there; just barely. Was this the Gods way of ridiculing him? To show him how utterly weak he was?
He inhaled several large gulps of air, panting over and over to the point of hyperventilation. It was as if the walls were caving in; decreasing the amount of air he was receiving. I cannot breathe. Oh Gods...
"You don't have a mommy, do you Ross? That's why she gave you up."
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" he screamed. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
He could practically hear Mitch sniggering at him, taunting him like he always did. It wouldn't be happening if you weren't such an easy target!
Ravi let out a strangled sob, wrapping his arms around himself with his knees pulled up to his chest. He cried until the tears exhausted themselves, until his throat was raw and he was physically unable to produce any more tear drops.
With a sluggish hand, he wiped away any remaining wetness on his face; sparing a glance over in the direction of his beloved pet. Not a peep was heard from Mrs. Kipling's cage, and for that he was grateful. It meant she was still sleeping, unbothered by the latest nightmare that left tears spilling down his cheeks and sweat droplets dampening his clothes.
"I am sorry for being such a bother." It was an unintended whisper, addressed to no one. "I shall try harder."
I have been trying. I don't know what else to do.
Jessie was always insisting to him and his siblings they should ask for help without hesitation. Hasn't he done that, though? He'd been longing for someone to notice his scream for help, for months now. He was ignored by everyone, including Jessie.
You're not supposed to ask for help. You're the smart one! Figure it out yourself!
He wasn't supposed to need any help because nothing was supposed to be too complicated for him to solve on his own. Luke was the one that needed explanations and assistance for simple tasks. Not him. As the brains of the family he was expected to have everything under control; to handle anything that came at him because nothing was supposed to be over his head.
In this case, they would most definitely be disappointed.
Because life itself was a roller-coaster of spiraling emotions that even the most educated, brilliant scientist couldn't figure out.
Surrounded by darkness, desolation, he sat there; upright and gripping the bed sheet, his knuckles drained of any color. His eyes, drained of any liveliness, stared ahead at the wall. His throat needed moistening but he disregarded it.
It was times like those he craved a human presence; not often did he feel an urging need, even less than did he succumb to those urges.
I wish mom and dad were home . They were never home and even if a miraculous intervention occurred, allowing them to stay for a few days, he was never their main priority. Their mother would busy herself by talking to Jessie about them; listen as Emma babbled on about the latest fashion trend and while Zuri mentioned some famous Youtuber that was so cute and maybe they could meet him sometime.
Any hope of bonding with their dad was nonexistent by this point. It was well known to Ravi to that their dad favored Luke because they were much more compatible as father and son than they were. Their father had no interest in science or reading, thus putting their relationship on strain. The very few times they'd bonded together (with a little nudge from his mother to his father) it ended with Ravi barely holding it together. Why couldn't his father understand his desire to abstain from sports? His sisters weren't all that interested in sports either but they were ridiculed for it or had the subject repeatedly brought up for persuasion (none of which ever worked).
Even so, despite their flaws, Ravi greatly missed his parents. I suppose it doesn't matter. They're busy. They were on another business trip, Japan he thought he heard Jessie saying. Regardless of how desperately he wished for them to be near-in person , not a facetime that left him as the last one to speak with a two minute time limit- it was simply impossible.
Please come home. Please
They don't care about you
You're just a worthless piece of garbage, everyone thinks so
Even Jessie does not care for you as much as she does the others
Ravi loved Jessie, she was the older sister he wished he had the pleasure of having, though her job skills were less than to be desired. Hew could count off countless of times she would alleviate Zuri's fears if she thought she saw a ghost in her room, or if Emma or Luke scared themselves after watching a scary movie. Ravi couldn't ever recall a time she helped him as much as she did the other three.
She just likes them better. You're not as cute as Zuri or as witty as Luke or as important as Emma.
A year or two ago, Ravi would have dismissed that particular thought. Jessie didn't have favorites, he would tell himself whenever his mood would begin to deteriorate. Jessie loved them all equally.
It was becoming harder and harder to convince himself that was true.
A thumping noise alerted to Ravi that someone must be awake. His ears strained to listen, to detect who it was judging by their footsteps. He'd gotten good at it. But, to his utter dismay, it was just Mrs. Kipling. She'd changed positions and her tail had flapped against the inside of her cage.
Of course. His heart sank further. Why would anyone care? They never do.
It was a relief, in a way, that he'd managed to get through another nightmare without waking anyone; he wasn't up to answering any questions they might have. Yet, Ravi's stomach dropped as the realization pooled, he couldn't help but wonder why hadn't they woken up? His sibling's rooms were adjacent to his own, they should have heard his screams night after night but no one ever turned on the lights, no one ever rushed to check on him. No one ever did anything.
No one ever did anything.
Exhaustion was upon him, though the fear of more incoming nightmares kept him drifting off into a peaceful sleep.
Peaceful. A word he hadn't associated with in months. Life had never been particularly peaceful or kind to him.
Ravi fell back on the bed, gazing up at his ceiling. The moonlight steeped in from underneath the window curtains, softly enveloping the room in a silvery hug. It wouldn't take much to just jump, I'd be dead within seconds, no suffering. He blew out an audible sigh. He'd been through enough suffering; apparently whatever deity was up there didn't think so. How much more will I have to take? He didn't know how much more he could take without breaking; he was already cracked. One more push and he'd fall apart completely.
His sanity was like sand, slipping through his fingers until he no longer had a solid grasp on reality.
And it would never be fixed.