The Real Folk Blues/Fate
Fate has a hell of a sense of humor, of all the people who could have delivered a message from Julia, it had to be Faye.
Faye, who had disappeared without saying a word, who had slept hugging me after the whole fake cult thing, whispering with a body or without one, the pain doesn't go away. Who had looked at me like I was the biggest bastard in the whole universe when she said that Julia was waiting for me.
In the cemetery with a rose in her hand I see her appear, in all her glory and in pursuit of the drama she points her gun at me.
I was angry, I was four years late and on top of that she was asking why I loved her. What kind of question is that? What do you want to tell me Jules?
To be honest, yes, I loved her but I also hated her and I have to make a huge effort in order to avoid crying when she hugs me. How much I missed holding her in my arms. And smelling her hair. And feeling the tickle in my cheeks.
Now she was asking me to run away together. Now? Now that it didn't make sense anymore, that everything was lost.
She never let me drive her car before, must be the guilt or so I want to believe. I can't stop looking at her, she is even prettier than I remembered and a part of me feels that everything has gone back to what it was meant to be. Me and her in a car, free at last. But there was always a part of me that didn't trust her, the part that screamed in my head every night, the part that knew she was sleeping with Vicious. And right now it has a red light on.
She puts her hand on my thigh and pulls her hair away from her face, looks at me from the blue well of her eyes and looks again at the horizon to speak
"you know, I didn't think she was gonna give you the message."
"You don't know her at all."
Julia smiles with that wonderful smile of hers that has a hint of evil and smugness, the smile that tells me that it doesn't matter what I want to keep that she knows. She sighs and slides her hand down my leg, repeats my name and smiles again. Yet I am incapable of smiling back. I still resent the abandonment, but I want to stop the car and hug her and not stop kissing her until the end of the world.
And the end of the world comes, with fucking pigeons rising.
I know exactly how cruel it is to be abandoned without explanation, I also know that I am unable to give a decent explanation so I say goodbye to Jet as well as I can, thanking him for four years of company, food and shelter and sincere friendship. Or at least that was my intention.
Saying goodbye to Faye is more... complicated, because I want to kiss her, I want her to stop me, I want to tell her... everything, I want her to ask me not to leave, I want to take her with me and in the end nothing... the only thing I get is to make her cry and leave feeling like the biggest asshole in the kingdom, but if she doesn't shoot me, if I don't stop, it's because we knew I had to leave.
I'm sorry, romany.
Julia is dead and I will never forget her. My doom, my life, my angel, my dream. I don't think I've been aware of it until now, she's dead, fuck fate, fuck it, meet her again and lose her in less than twenty-four hours. It's so absurd that I would laugh if it didn't hurt. It hurts like my fucking heart has been ripped out.
I walk down the stairs, leaving the last of my demons behind.