Meatloaf: The Necro-Vigil Part 5
Batman screamed gruffly as The Meatbat hand pulled him higher and higher into the sky. He could feel the sonic device below the city making his wrist molecules vibrate where they were augmented with Meatbat's backside. And it was getting stronger so he assumed that Joker had turned the intensity to maximum remotely as he was the sort of guy who enjoyed sick jokes. As the intensity increased it threw Meatbat into oblivion and his flapping became so erratic that he started to approach lightspeed. As time around them started to slow down, Batman's colon started to feel the effects and the future of his shits started to exit his body and streaked behind him in ghostly manner. They had left the atmosphere now but where flying so fast through space that there was no time for their bodies to register lack of oxygen and die. Batman stopped screaming the moment they left the planet in order to save air and because the vacuum meant screaming was pointless… apart from when he screamed at a passing asteroid and the particles that floated in its own gravity absorbed the sound energy so it was carried millions of lightyears into the future to be picked up by a newly emerging race who listened in awe at the sound of an alien screaming from the rocks that hit their planet; forever to search for the "Lost God" who they swear still screams when the rain falls. (no air in space meant no friction so no transference of the sound energy so the scream just travelled indefinitely)
As they moved further away from Earth, the sonic signal started to fade and Meatbat's overzealous flapping began to slow down. It slowed down so much that Batman could actually make out the movement of his wings (it had been so fast that it was merely a slightly trembling blur). And he was starting to get sunburn now that they were so far from Earth's protective atmosphere. He managed to roll his cape around the two of them like a prophylactic cloak and that stopped the burn. But his lungs were starting to burn now as the respiratory acid started to build up in his lungs. What the hell was he going to do? He didn't have the Batscuba set with him to provide air. He was going to die. Alone. With an augmented Bathand which was the most useless thing ever.( He tried to pull the flapping bat further inside the Batrubber and got smacked in the face with the little claw at the end of each wing. ) Hs only consolation was that in space his body could not decompose so maybe it would get returned to Alfred one day. Though the Batcondom was keepin all his current shit entrails and so his body would be embarrassingly shitstained when it was found. He dreaded to think what the butler would think.
As his vision started to fade, he was suddenly blinded by the sudden arrive of a giant… battleship? The thing was just BAM there and its shiny grey hull reflected all the sunlight. What the hell was a battleship doing in space? It wasn't a spaceship shape, it looked like a city-sized battleship. Something started tingling around Batman and he and Meatbat started to float towards the thing, just as they both asphyxiated.
Batman woke up tied to a hospital chair. He turned his head and saw Meatloaf in human form tied to another and fast asleep. He struggled against the metal handcuffs that restrained his hands and feet (his hand was back to normal now that they were out of the way of the sonic machine). It was now he noticed that he was wearing nothing but his underwear, Batmask and his highly starched white socks (Alfred's meticulous standards extended to all his responsibilities. Like Batman's laundry.) Thankfully his underpants were black (with the Batsymbol) so the turd cloud it had been soaked in could not be seen.
He heard a mechanism nearby and a door slid upwards. In came a man that looked like an advert for UBERWEISS! As he was wearing a pristine white smock and long white cape that reached his ankles.
"So the mysterious hero awakes." He drawled. The man walked in flanked by what looked like two black Power Rangers with guns. Now that he was next to the medical chair, Batman could make out a weird badge on his chest- five little red bars and five little blue ones. The man held his crossed hands over his waist and stared down Batman.
"Maybe you would like to explain just have you achieved what you did?" Batman looked at him puzzled.
"I have achieved something? Do I get a diploma?" The man winced at his stupidity. And he thought the Empire was made of idiots? God help him with this one….
"You were travelling through space with no protective capsule or air and you were exposed to the radiation of a star that should have incinerated you. Now tell me, what is your cape made of?" Batman looked confused.
"What does it matter about my cape? Who the hell are you ?" The man's lip twitched and it was at this point that Batman noticed the scar on his lip, suggesting a cleft palate.
"Now is that any way to thank the man who saved your life? I am Director Orson Krennic and you will tell me what your cape is made of. I have never seen such thin radiation-proof material . And I'm having a hard time trying to analyse what it is made of." He rolled his shoulders as if imagining himself wearing it.
" Give it back!" Batman yelled and felt a tear drip from his eye: he and his cape were inseparable! And it was worth a fortune. Krennic smirked and observed him. "Tell me what it is made of, and when I can replicate my own, you may have yours back. It's for the good of the Empire. " He added, as if Batman even knew what the hell he was talking about. Batman felt the panic rise- he didn't know what it was made of. These days, he just let Alfred improve and update his gear for him, as he was too busy trying not to fail at life in general (the whole stock market thing had really knocked his confidence, so he didn't trust himself to make anything any more) But he couldn't let the guy know this or they would have no chance of escaping.
"Look…. I don't know the names of the components… but I know how to make it." He lied. Krennic twitched again.
"Okay. Bring him to the lab." Krennic ordered and the two Power Rangers undid the cuffs on Batman and he got up. "Leave him in his underwear… if he escapes and you fail to shoot him as he goes, he'll stick out like a sore thumb." He left through the electronic door as Batman was put into portable cuffs and pushed forward with the tip of a gun… though like no ballistic gun he had ever seen. The Bat then had the shameful experience of walking through the spaceship in only his pants, socks and mask. People stared at him as he passed by so he held his head high and tried to focus on the ceiling. This resulted in him wandering too close to a control 'pit' and he fell from the walkway onto a poor newbie and cracked her helmet. After being dragged by the Power Rangers back onto the path, they continued along while Krennic yelled at them to hurry up.
In the lab, Batman found the Batcape on display in the centre. It had been cleverly pinned to a frame so that the Batwing effect could be clearly seen. They looked good he thought. Awesome Krennic seemed to think so too. He strolled over to it and ran his gloved hand lovingly down the creases of the wing his eyes gazing in awe.
"This is a beautiful thing… where did you get it?" He raised his other hand and began stroking with that too.
"My butler made it." He said truthfully.
"Is that a lab assistant?" He placed his cheek against the rad-proof Kevlar and closed his eyes.
"Er…. Yeah." Batman Strepsiled. (Krennic was now moving said cheek backwards and forwards) He started scanning the lab for exits, weapons and guards who might prove a problem. There was a sudden yell and one of Krennic's experiments came running from the next room (tentacles flying around from his head…. This guy was an ALIEN! Batman noticed) As they got to the door that batman had come through, one of the Power Rangers shot them. With red lasers. LASERS! Laser's were a form of light! Light was a form of radiation! No radiation could penetrate the Batcape! He knew what he needed to do. He looked back at Krennic and coughed. Krennic stopped gently kissing the fabric of the Batcape and turned around quickly whipping his hands like lightspeed to his normal position of crossed over his waist.
"Yes…. Right well my chemistry set is over here. Just point to the chemicals and tell me what to do with them." He led Batman over to a wall of bottles behind a counter while walking as if a lamprey was attached to his dong and he was trying to walk without making it swing and dig its teeth in sooner. "I will…. I will be back in a moment. I need to… get my lab gear on…" He left and as he turned Batman saw a boner popping up under his hands… He turned to the chemicals and suddenly craved his Batblanket, Batmug of cocoa and Alfred telling him a bedtime story as he reassured the Bat that he wasn't really the idiot people made him out to be and yes, of course women liked him… he just hadn't found the right one yet.
Krennic appeared half an hour later wearing a science smock, white trousers and a shourter white cape that was very narrow and hung down to his boots (Krennic always had to wear a cape. He liked capes, but had to have a special one for his lab so that it didn't sweep things of the desks.) He finished rubbing sanitiser on his hands and pulled his gloves on (he was also a germophobe) His hair was wet as he had just showered after his alone time and his boner seemed to have gone down. He strode over.
"So what do I need to use?" he demanded and started taking out test tubes. Batman hesitated…
"I need to measure the size of the cape." He said quickly. "to … figure out how much of each chemical I need." Krennic raised an eyebrow but went over to the cape. Batman followed him as Krennic took it from the frame. He handed a ruler to Batman.
"You grovel on the floor. I can't do that and still look good in my cape. Just… BE CAREFUL WITH IT!" he yelled like a mother as Batman threw it on the floor and started to measure. Batman knelt over it his asshole pointed in the direction of Krennic. He contracted his abdomen muscles as he loaded the barrel… he prepared for hell to break lose… He thought of everything he held dear (Alfred and the Batmobile) and forced the strongest shit out he had ever done. A jet hose turd stream shot out of him as he pulled the pants down (to prevent loss of power). Krennic screamed as his beautiful white outfit was dyed brown.
"No, my cape! Save my cape!" but it too was brown. Krennic started to weep. At that moment Batman threw himself onto the middle of the cape and rolled the wings around him. At that moment the Power Rangers activated as they realised what was going on. Batman rolled like Cleopatra in a carpet across the floor and out of the door to the next room. He kept rolling and bouncing off furniture until he found himself in the corridor. At this he stood up, wrapped the cape around his almost naked body and wet running the way they had come.
"First Meatloaf" he muttered. "Then we find the way out!" He wondered where the Batsuit was – Alfred was going to be so disappointed in him. Again. He stopped thinking as he found the room with Meatloaf in. Meatloaf was awake by now and yelled
"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU? AND WHER THE HELL AM I?" Batman ignored him as he undid the cuffs and the two men peered around the doorway (Meatloaf still had all his clothes as Krennic had no interest in them. He was a cape man.) Guards were in a frenzy trying to find Pantman.
"Okay so we need to find the escape pod." Strepsil man whispered. Meatloaf nodded. "I can feel a breeze, so I think the airlock is this way." Batman explained. He wrapped the Batcolak around Meatloaf too.
"No offence but you can't woo me… I prefer mine… female." Meatloaf replied.
"No I'm protecting you from their laser weapons." Batman felt disheartened. He hadn't actually been coming onto Meatloaf but it would have been nice if he returned the supposed affect, just so the Bat knew he was desirable to someone at least.
"Oh… thanks." They waited for silence and then snuck into the corridor. They walked for a while but Batman hadn't realised that shit was still leaking from his anus. There was a cry behind them and a slightly garbled
"THERE THEY ARE ! THEY HAVE MY CAPE! GET THEM! SHOOT THEM! KILL THEM! JUST BRING ME THAT CAPE!" (Krennic's cleft impaired his speech the angrier he got) Batman picked u meatloaf, wrapped his cloak around them both and he ran. Krennic had changed again into his uniform and went to follow but slipped on Batman's poop streak and fell backwards causing skid marks up the white cloth.
"NO! FORGIVE ME MY DEAR! I'M SORRY!" He yelled and cradled the shit stained cape. Batman carried on running as several Power Rangers followed him at speed shooting mindlessly. The laser beams bounced off the cape and took a few of them out for a minute. He turned a corner and only just stopped in his tracks before he fell down The Maw.
He looked across the gigantic gap to the other side of the ship. And then he looked down seeing hundreds upon thousands of floors of the spaceship. He wondered just how big the ship was, then heard Alfred's voice in his head say "You really have a short attention span don't you Mr. Wayne sir?" He shook it from his head as Meatloaf said
"Shit! We're gonna' die man!" Batman snorted in reply. Behind him he heard Krennic's voice and a tirade of boot noises scooting along on his poop.
"No we're not. Hold tight underneath me. Like a sloth and don't let go." He waited until the photographer was clinging on like a cage fighter and took a few steps back. Meatloaf yelled Batman's insanity as they catapulted off the edge. As Pantsman's cape deployed and the updraft caught them, the sudden whoop of gravity in Batman's stomach forced more shit out of him and into the face of Krennic who was on his knees at the edge crying his eyes out of the loss of such a beautiful thing.
"AND IT CAN FLY! NO MY LOVE! I WANT IT BACK NOW!" but all his hopes were gone as he saw them enter the airlock mid-air. Batman hit the ground and fell unconscious as his head smacked itself on the control console. The doors crashed shut and the pod shot from the ship like a buttplug from an anus filled with sodium bicarbonate and vinegar. They went flying through space. Meatloaf still had the deadweight of Batman on top of him. Deadweight. Meatloaf felt his dong quiver. It pressed against Batman and the lack of movement in the Bat caused it to harden and rise, poking Batman in hi bare stomach. The man woke. The dick fell. Meatloaf sighed.
"Urgh, we made it. " Moaned Batman. He started pressing buttons. Then more. Then he realised that this was not the Batmobile and he didn't know how to fly it. "We need to get to Earth." He said Strepsily as something screeched passed the window.
"WE NEED TO DO IT FAST!" cried Meatloaf reading buttons on the console and weeping that none of it made sense. Another thing screeched past them and they saw the tiny white figure of Orson Krennic crammed into the back of the Tie Fighter while he yelled at the pilot to do his job properly. Batman had a sudden idea. Hmmm, twice in one day? Alfred really had got him all wrong.
"Meatloaf, I need you to be a bat. Here's the plan: Space has no air so no friction, so the slightest propulsion will move faster than on Earth and any speed won't be lost through air resistance. If you become a bat and fly against the window as fast as you did before you can push the pod hard enough through space that we will get back to Earth despite your tiny size." Meatloaf looked at him as if he were mad.
"You are crazy if you think I can just become a bat."
"You just need a sonic wave to oscillate your molecules and make you batlike again." Meatloaf was impressed by this and commented that Batman seemed to be getting more clever than normal. Batman nearly cried in happiness. Alfred would be so proud!
"Well there's only one way we can do that. I need you your voice to become ultrasonic." As a singer, Meatloaf had been an expert in such things. Batman barely had time to say anything before Meatloaf ripped strips of leather from his jacket and tied Batman to the pod chair. He then ripped the pants from the Caped Crusader while he took off his own spikey wristcuff. He pointed the spikes inward and pulled the knot as tightly as he could around Batman's testicles.
No words could describe the noise that started rattling Meatloafs atoms. He carried on pulling the spikes tighter around Batmans balls until his batform appeared once more. And he went crazy. Contained in a small space, Meatbat ricocheted off every wall as it pushed the pod forward. In actually fact it sort of bounced through space and made the whole testicle torture far more painful for Btaman. This made it difficult for the Tie fighters to follow him. Plus they were approaching lightspeed. As Meatbat hot guano everywhere they hit Earth's atmosphere and went coursing into Gotham were they hit the national park and rolled through trees and went crashing down the hole of the Batcave. Alfred looked up from his tea as the pod landed on the Batmobile. Alfred picked up his umbrella and snapped on rubber gloves as he opened the pod door. The guano shot at him and bounced off the umbrella as the screaming hit his ears and then died down. Meatloaf appeared and hugged the Butler, happy to be back on land.
"Oh god Mr. Batman sir. What 'choo been up to this time?" He untied Batman from the chair (he was unconscious from the pain) and lay him down on the rug. Meatloaf untied the wrist cuff. "Well that's put an end to your heir." He muttered sarcastically and took out his mop to start cleaning the place. "Oh Mr. Batman Sir, you do go looking for trouble don't you?"
Somewhere on an Imperial Destroyer, Orson Krennic was lying on his huge bed surround by various white capes (outdoor capes, indoor capes, capes for sleeping at night, capes for napping in, lab capes and some capes for private moments) He stroked them all in turn and sighed at the ceiling.
"I will find that cape again. And you will be mine my laser-proof darling. And no one will stand in my way. You shall all fall so that we may be supreme together. And then Tarkin…. Tarkin will have no power over me. And I will have him ejected from the Death Star…. My Death Star. If only he knew the power I will have when it is operational…." He sipped his Carrilion brandy and continued to stroke his harem.