Author's Note: To those about to read this I have a few warnings. The first, if you haven't read a good chunk of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" you'll be very confused. The second, all of this is NOT CANON
A lazy Sunday afternoon between stories, in which Wizard Lenin and Lily, as was typical for them when they're not on screen, were whiling away the time inside their shared trailer. Wizard Lenin, for his own part, was flipping through some thick classic book that was meant to make people watching him feel bad about themselves for never making it through "Moby Dick" back in high school. Lily was doing something far more interesting.
"Hey, Lenin, come check this out."
It's a little known fact, if it's a fact at all and not simply some bullshit made up by The Carnivorous Muffin to keep you entertained, that sometimes characters do have a life outside their own stories. They often don't take it well, some get a little more into method acting than others and forget they're a series of words written on a page, but others have a good grasp on their true nature.
Lily, for one, has always had a handle on her own existential crises.
Which was why, after filtering through many reviews for fan mail (and promptly burning the ones that complain about her morality, Mary Sue like nature, or how her pseudo Japanese counterpart, Lee, is much cooler even if she doesn't have her own version of Wizard Lenin around) she came across something that was decidedly not fan mail.
In fact, this loose sheet of paper she found could more accurately be described as the Word of God.
"Ranking the Power of Characters from 'Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus'", Lily read slowly, then, looking over at Wizard Lenin she concluded, "Hey, this must be from God's tumblr!"
The Carnivorous Muffin does not necessarily approve of any divine being having a tumblr, or any being having a tumblr, but the fact remains that The Carnivorous Muffin does have a tumblr and mostly uses it to post brightly colored scribbles. Occasionally, posts will be something written and actually dedicated to the content of stories.
The Carnivorous Muffin imagines the 479 followers (as of this sentence) are sticking around hoping in vain for another glimpse of Lily in the MCU kicking the shit out of Loki. Good luck fans, good luck.
Wizard Lenin, at the sight of the paper, couldn't help but shudder. Whenever The Carnivorous Muffin brought up something like this, especially if it involved him, it generally wasn't anything he considered good. He's never quite gotten over "Life in the Fast Lane".
Lily, however, had no such issues and continued to read, "Let's see, there's me, obviously, then Rabbit I suppose that makes sense. And hey, you're pretty high up here too."
Wizard Lenin, as always, was doing his due diligence he wasn't the equivalent of an underpaid actor in a show only a small corner of the internet chose to watch. It's not working out for him.
However, because of that, his ego also needs constant stroking and he couldn't help but ask, "High up there? Aren't you first?"
Lily blinked up at him, waving the list in his face, "Well, sure, but you're number four after Uncle Death, and considering he's basically a god and all—"
"Fourth?!" Wizard Lenin hissed as he tore the paper from Lily, "That bitch dared make me fourth?!"
(That bitch is writing this story and if Wizard Lenin wants to keep his leading role, he'd do well to remember that.)
"Well, you're first of the normal people," Lily tried to mollify as she pointed to the names, "I mean, look, you're way ahead of Dumbledore."
Way ahead is a bit of a stretch, Wizard Lenin is fourth while Dumbledore is sixth, but in terms of this list that's a fairly large jump in power levels. In the world of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" you have Lily, Rabbit, and then everyone else.
The best description of Wizard Lenin's classically handsome features in that moment was pouting. Still, with a sniff he noted, "Well, that's not a surprise, the man's infuriatingly underhanded and clever, but he's always been an academic at his heart."
"I don't know," Lily mused, "I always thought he'd be ahead of Frank. Or, I guess I thought Frank wouldn't be so high up on the list, he's just so… accountanty."
Frank, for reference, is fifth.
Lily considered, for a moment, that perhaps she'd been treating a relatively powerful man as if he had the threat level of a fluffy plush bunny. Then, being Lily, she decided that there was nothing wrong with her methods since they'd been working out for her so far. That was a future, on screen, Lily problem if it was ever going to be a problem at all.
"Why is Hermione Granger even on here?" Wizard Lenin said with a frown, "She's twelve!"
"I'm twelve," Lily pointed out, and before Wizard Lenin could interject and point out that Lily didn't count she said, "And anyways, if you think about it, we just don't have that many characters let alone many who are powerful."
For reference, one can compare the newly published list comparing the power of various characters from "Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds". Lee is still on top, and Minato and Kushina barely scratch their way onto the list, but the majority of it is filled with hokages and S-ranked shinobi.
England does not have many S-ranked shinobi.
"And you can't complain about who gets to be a character when you spent all of last season whining in a basement," Lily said as Wizard Lenin opened his mouth.
If "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" was a television show, then it could roughly be divided into a few seasons. The first would cover Lily's adventures up until the showdown with Squirrel in Chapter 25, the second up until Chapter 50, the third being the aftermath and Lily's time travel adventures, and the fourth being the latest arc we haven't entered yet.
So, let's just pretend it's a television show instead of a much too long fanfic.
Also, for reference, yes, Wizard Lenin did spend most of chapters 25 through 50 whining in a basement and lighting things on fire.
Wizard Lenin considered the list again, this time with a spark of an idea in his eye, "Say, Lily, what do you say we make Dumbledore's day a little worse?"
"Huh?" Lily asked, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair, "How are we going to do that?"
Unfortunately, she leaned back too far and immediately fell out of her chair, hitting her head on the floor and having to scramble to pick herself. Wizard Lenin, as was usual, paid her absolutely no mind as a scheme began to form behind his pretty blue eyes.
He grinned down at her as, out of thin air, he conjured a highlighter, "Oh, we barely need to do anything, we just need to highlight a few names."
"Severus, what did you say this brand of tea was again?"
Now, why Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore shared a trailer was beyond even The Carnivorous Muffin. Except, of course, as one of those flimsy explanations to get two required characters to sit in the same room at the same time. Let's just pretend that Wizard Lenin and Lily are somehow behind it in order to make Dumbledore and Snape more miserable and thus please Wizard Lenin's inner vindictive demon.
It's not really important.
What is important is that, at this particular moment in time, the pair was sitting in their shared trailer which looked too much like the study in Masterpiece Theater for anyone's comfort, and were drinking their latest blend of tea.
"It's quite good," Albus noted, a twinkle in his eye as he surveyed the tea with interest, "We really should get this imported into the Wizarding World."
Severus Snape did not point out that Darjeeling tea did exist in Wizarding Britain, Dumbledore had just been shopping from the wrong mail order catalogue and had a fondness for the more dangerous magical flavors like "Psychadellic Mushroom".
Any man who unironically enjoys Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans lives on the wild side and is likely suffering the after effects of the 1960's.
So, instead, Severus merely said, "Yes, quite."
It was at this point a brick was hurled through their window.
"Potter!" Severus spat, not even having to look out the broken window and catch sight of the perpetrators scampering away to know who was behind this.
"Now, now, Severus, she's just—" Dumbledore trailed off, rather tellingly.
"Just what, sir?" Severus asked, oversized black eyebrows rising high on his greasy forehead.
(When one can insult Snape's appearance in prose, The Carnivorous Muffin believes that one should. Otherwise the dreaded Snape/Harry or Snape/Hermione friends will devour us all.)
Here was where Albus Dumbledore could say his true thoughts on the girl-who-lived, tell the audience how he really feels and thinks, for better or for worse. This could be the one moment that he highlights exactly what role he will play in Lily's tale!
But it was not that moment.
"Nothing," Albus said with a smile, before summoning the brick, "Oh look, she left us a note."
He unfurled the note from the brick, and immediately his brow furrowed, "Huh, it appears to be some sort of list."
Severus, although shaking with repressed fury, finally gave into his curiosity and moved to stand over Albus' shoulder. It was a simple list of names, utterly unremarkable except, "That's The Carnivorous Muffin's chicken scratch!"
(The Carnivorous Muffin does not appreciate the slight in her handwriting. Though, that said, it is true.)
"Indeed," Albus gravely concurred.
Specifically, what was to be noted, were a few highlighted names.
The first, Lily, otherwise known as Eleanor Lily Potter, who it can safely be said was far outside of Dumbledore's control. Second, fourth on the list, Tom Marvolo Riddle. Sixth, Dumbledore himself, followed by Severus Snape. And at the end, scratched in the neat penmanship of Tom Riddle, a question, "Notice how Longbottom's conveniently missing?"
"What does that even mean?" Severus asked.
"It means, my dear boy," Dumbledore said gravely, "That we're up shit creek."
Neville Longbottom, prophesied warrior, wasn't even tenth on the list. He was, in other words, less powerful than even first year eccentric, Luna Lovegood.
Severus glanced over at Dumbledore, "I thought you didn't curse."
"Yes, well, I have a headache," Dumbledore said, and just to more explicitly reference 'My Immortal' added, "Motherfucker."
Author's Note: A fic in which "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" characters read the tumblr posting about which rankings they are. Specifically, Dumbledore and Snape had to be involved.
For reference, here's the list:
4) Tom Riddle
6) Albus Dumbledore
7) Severus Snape
8) Hermione Granger
9) Luna Lovegood
Thanks to readers, reviews are much appreciated.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter