At Something Witty Entertainment...
Kirito picked up the phone.
"Hello?" he said. "Is this Pheonix Wright? Yes, I'd like to call copyright infringement. Your bible says I can't call copyright on god? This 'god' can go..."
A knock was heard at the door.
"Ugh," Kirito pulled the phone away from his head. "ASUNA! I'M ON THE PHONE! CAN YOU GET THE DOOR?"
"GO SUCK A DICTIONARY!"
"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?"
"THERE'S A PROFANITY FILTER!"
"OH! THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE!"
"I'll get the door!" said Yui. She happily walked over to the door of the log cabin and opened it.
"Hello! How can I..." she started to say before she was face to face with an exact copy of herself.
"Oh, are you the abridged me?" said the other Yui.
"You're the original me?' said abridged Yui.
The other members of the original cast walked over.
"Yes, we're here for an interview," said Kirito.
Abridged Yui blinked. Then she called out.
"Mommy! Daddy! Your counterparts are here for an interview!"
"DADDY'S BUSY SWEETIE!" Abridged Kirito shouted. "No, I'm not a lawyer. What do you mean that hat was the wrong size?"
Abridged Asuna groaned and got up from the couch.
"Yeah, what is... oh!" she suddenly said upon seeing the group. "Uh, hi?"
"Hi!" said Asuna. "We're here for an interview,"
"Oh sure, just once Kirito is done with that phone call,"
"When will that be?" said Kirito.
"About 15 minutes, given the volume. I'll call the rest of the cast,"
About 20 minutes later.
"So..." Kirito said to his abridged counterpart. "It's a pleasure to meet you,"
Abridged Kirito looked him up and down.
"I'd like to say the same thing, but at this point, I think we both know who the superior is in this room."
"Right..." Kirito said. "So... what should we talk about?"
"Well, we could list every single way that I completely dominate you. That should fill some time," Abridged Kirito smirked.
"I guess," Kirito narrowed his eyes. "Okay, I'll go first. I have every element that a protagonist needs to be relatable,"
"And we're off to a great start!" Abridged Kirito chuckled. "I have way more characterization than you! Heck, half your fans only care about the supporting cast, while the other half just wants to be in your shoes,"
"Fine," Kirito sighed. "I also have a loving daughter and a beautiful wife,"
"Are you sure about that? Cause most that "Love story" of yours happened offscreen. I, on the other hand, got five whole episodes to flesh it out. And I'm pretty sure my Yui is unquestionably the better one,"
"Uhh..." Kirito didn't know how to respond to that.
"Love your parents?" said Abridged Yui.
"Escaped Kayaba because you wanted to know them better?"
"Had your twisted AI logic lead you to perform a cruel prank on them?"
Abridged Yui looked up from her list.
"That sounds mean!" said Yui.
"Is it just me, or do you seem a lot younger than me?" said Abridged Yui.
"I thought we were the same age," said Yui.
"I don't know, you seem more... innocent than I am," Abridged Yui stroked her chin.
"Well, what did you do when you wanted to meet Kirito and Asuna?"
"I found a glitch and ended up in the game... but I forgot everything," Yui admitted.
"Really? Cause I remember the whole thing. I did sort of... lie to them about who I was,"
"Huh? But that's not very nice,"
"Exactly my point. We're different!"
"But why is that?"
"I don't know. Mama says I got it from Papa's side of the family, but I think it was mostly hers,"
"I wonder what Uncle Klein is doing..." Yui wondered.
"So, what do you think is different about us?" said Abridged Klein.
"Well, you had a few more jokes and a larger role in the plot," said Klein. "Other than that, we're the same,"
"Well, that was trivial," said Abridged Klein. "So, what exactly is your Asuna like?"
"Oh, you're gonna get a load out of this..."
The two Asunas were engaged in an intense intimidation match.
"Alright, what's up with you?" said Abridged Asuna.
"What do you mean?" said Asuna.
"I mean, why are you so... girly?" Abridged Asuna cringed.
"What are you talking about, I hardly ever do anything girly,"
"Yeah right. Kirito was right in the palm of your hand, and yet he was the only one with the guts to do anything,"
Asuna blushed and fidgeted with her hair.
"I mean... he's just so confident, and brave... sometimes I just can't think right when he's around..."
"So monopolize on it!"
"If he means that much to you, you should do whatever it takes to make him yours, and only yours! Like me, I followed him around, intentionally found a way into every situation he got himself in, sabotaged any other girl that walked within five feet of him, while you just stood there, while three other women tried to get a hold on him!"
"What are you talking about?" Asuna tilted her head.
Abridged Asuna facepalmed.
"You're telling me, that you NEVER once considered, that maybe Lisbeth, Silica, Leafa, Sachi, and Sinon were getting a little too close to him?"
"Kirito would never do that to me!" Asuna proclaimed.
"Yeah, but still! You have minuscule standards when it comes to romance. I mean, I punch him during sex to make sure he stays with me!"
"You what now?"
"Seriously, did your mom forget to hit you or something?"
Asuna's eyes perked up.
"She didn't?" Abridged Asuna looked just as surprised.
"Your mom beat you?"
"Yeah, all moms do that. Heck, I even sometimes do with it Yui when she misbehaves,"
"Okay..." Asuna wanted to move away from that particular topic. "What was your dad like?"
"Beats me, he hardly shows up," Abridged Asuna shrugged "I mean, he only shows up when he wants something from us. He sorta left mom with the whole custody,"
"Mom and dad divorced?"
"They're still together?"
Both Asuna's looked at each other in surprise.
"That explains so much," they said at the same time.
"And checkmate!" said Abridged Kirito, moving a Shogi piece on the board. "And with that, I am officially the superior Kirito,"
"You know what? Let's resolve this like real otaku,"
Abridged Kirito sat down.
"5v5, Sword Art Online, no items, magic on, healer/DPS only,"