Thanos Receives a Cult
The Master of Balance was doing his morning yoga. He stretched his beefy muscles and bent over to do a handstand which he had perfected over the years. As he raised his massive purple feet into he air he raised one hand and readjusted the rest of body so that he stayed motionless. Perfect balance. Just as everything should be. He could move any way and he would always be balanced. He prided himself on it. He was in total harmony with himself and his surrounding when something happened that he had not anticipated: He thought of Lady Death. Her white emaciated skin, her sexy black robe and the way she looked at him as if she could just crush him with her mind (which she could). Without warning his dong shot up in his pants and the titan meatstick threw his balance out completely. He fell face first as the weight of it pulled him away from his centre of mass. He yelled as he javelinned the floor with it spearing his yoga mat and cracking the metal floor of the spaceship. He pulled it out and roared in pain, the mat still held on his cock. He heard footsteps in the corridor as his lackey came floating along to see what the problem was.
"My lord Thanos... What ails you this wonderful morning? I was just doing my morning affirmations of your wonderful benevolent gift to all bipedal life in this universe." He looked at the blood pouring from the purple pillar and Thanos's painface. "Oh dear my lord. I won't ask what happened but you should be more careful. "He waved a hand and a cloth appeared to daub all the blood away. "I mean we cannot have the great Bringer of Balance bleeding to death now can we?" He telekinetically poured a whole bottle of hydrogen peroxide over the bleeding dick (He knew it would sting like a sonofabitch but he knew Thanos was man enough to deal with it. Or it would make him tougher. Either way was character building.) Thanos finished crying at the pain but was thankful that he was not a masochist for pain from anyone other than... NO! He yelled in his head. No, don't think of her. He pictured Gamorrah and how much he wanted to kill her for treason which chastised him and prevented another dong incident.
"What do you want Riddle?" He grumbled. (This was his nickname for him, as he looked like the brother of this wizard Thanos had seen in another world. He greatly respected the noseless genius for wanting to bring the balance between the numbers of humans and magical people in that world and his servant felt it a great honour to be named after someone that his master approved of.)
"I just thought you should know my lord that there are a rather... praising group of people waiting for you in the airlock. Shall I let them in?" He put the tips of his fingers together smugly. Thanos grunted at him in the affirmative.
"Well Riddle...?" He asked expectantly as his hole-prodder continued to drip blood through the hole in the metal floor "Are you going to heal me or what?" Riddle's eyes flared in horror at his lack of attention. He waved his hand and a needle and thread appeared to start stitching up the slash in his wang and then a black bandaid with a yellow symbol stuck itself on top. Thanos flipped it painfully back into his pants and got up.
"What do they want?" He asked as Riddle led him down the corridor to the throne room. "And where are you going? The airlock is the other way!"
"Well this sort of thing calls for respect and grandeur so I think it would be best my lord if they saw you on your rightful throne. Shift the dimensions a bit with the Infinity Gem of Space and ram yourself with a perfect sunset so the light catches you just so and they really will be yours to command. I am sure of it. And as for what they want... why, balance of course. An extermination of life so that no one lives with cruelty , famine or lack of funding for clean toilets." He saw Thanos looking unimpressed by this sudden fame as the titan had always been hated from the moment he said the simple fact that fewer people in the world would mean less suffering. Because of this constant hatred towards him, he found it hard to accept people actually liking him. Even his daughters ended up hating him which in Riddle's eyes was such an ungrateful bratty thing to feel towards the man who had taken them in when their mothers died, fed, clothed and taught them how to survive in the world, bestowing his blessings and gifts upon them to raise them above the status of other children. Such disrespect deserved a lifetime of torment, torture and gastroenteritis of the highest order!
Despite it feeling weird, Thanos thought it was refreshing that someone actually agreed with his beliefs and was seeking him out to help. It made a change from people being forced to follow him through fear. He was about to turn into the throne room just to appease Riddle so that he would shut up afterwards, when he sound of a firedoor in the corridor clanged and a large group of raggedy robed people with 'V's tattooed on their foreheads came marching down the corridor. Riddle was about to bellow and them and sent them flying back down the hall when they all sank to their knees revealing sandals made from tree bark soles and hemp strings. He concluded that this was sign enough of respect for his glorious master.
"Oh great Thanos! We pledge ourselves to thee, for nobody else has ever seen our point of view that the world has too many people and that it is bad for the other life who live there. We understand that more people means too many mouths to feed and that means the enslavement of animals because they cannot see the bounty from the Earth's soil. We understand that the cattle pollute the world with their farts and their reproduction must be reduced for the rest of life to co-exist peacefully without harming the planet! We understand that it is wrong to consume the flesh of another and enslave them! And so we render unto you!" They all lay prostrate on the floor, resembling what looked like a pile of mossy toilet paper that Skrek had wiped his ogre backside on.
"I am going out later to show the world what this can do." He held up the golden Infinity Gauntlet. "Follow me and we will free the world from suffering!" They all cheered before he went back to his room to take a shit (Appraisals were alien to him unless they were Riddle's who he just thought was a total grovelling power-lover. But he got things done and came up with good ways of wooing Lady Death so Thons made sure he was protected and provided with free extensive proctology insurance ...) oh dear, he 'd done it. He'd thought of her and ended up needing to relieve himself while sat on the John. That went well as the force of his orgasm shot his turd out of his backside in double quick time. It wasn't long until he was stood on Earth. The vegans gathered around him ominously in a circle and raised their arms so that they were all a V shape.
"ALL HAIL THANOS THE MASTER OF NATURAL BALANCE OF ORDER! " their leader yelled loudly "BEHOLD AS HE REMOVES ONE HALF OF THE POPULATION SO THAT WE MAY LESSEN OUR HUMAN IMPACT ON THE WORLD AND SAVE ALL ANIMALS FROM CRUELTY AND SUFFERING!" Thanos yawned in boredom as he let their rant go on. He much preferred the undulating suave tones of Riddle. This was just tediousness. The vegans all dropped to their knees with their arms still raised. (Loads of them farted loudly due to all the cabbage, Spirulina, nutritional yeast and beans they all ate every day and squeezed out of their asses. The noise trumpeted around Thanos and he glared. Then he raised the Gauntlet into the air and an orgasmic look came on his face as the Gems of Infinity lit up and worked together making half of the humanoids in the universe disappear. Riddle cried out in a high-pitched voice as the dust of people blew away on the breeze and he turned away as he felt the need to move his hands somewhere other than in front of his chest... The vegan's looked around in horror as their number halved (there were now only two hundred of them.)
"Great Thanos, why does thee kill thy followers? Are we not ready to do thou work?" Asked the leader. Thanos realised he'd have to lie about the nature of the Gauntlet of Infinity or they would turn on him and he would be screwed.
"In order that we sort out the population problem, half you would be sacrificed. That is how the balance works." He decreed. This made sense to them and they bowed prostrate once more in respect. They were so in awe of his that they all experienced simultaneous religious climax that made diarrhea and ear fluids shoot out of their circle like a shit wheel.
It was at this point that chaos broke out. All of a sudden a large group of people descended upon the group armed with sticks and bats.
"WE WON'T LET YOU LOT GET AWAY WITH THIS!" Came a yell and a woman clad in black hurled herself at the leader. She was brandishing a bullwhip and she slashed it across the leader of the militant vegans. It was the Protection League Against Millitant Veganism! Brenda had rallied them the moment she realised that their numbers were moving (at PLAM-V headquarters they had tracked the group to a military base in Nevada where cult members had broken their way in, stormed the guards and used the transporter that the military where desperately trying to reverse engineer and beamed themselves onto Thanos's ship.) PLAM-V had been waiting for them to come back to Earth so that they could go and stop whatever they were up to this time. Sadly PLAM-V had just lost half their people (they now numbered three hundred and fifty) but they were still a larger group than the vegans. "WE WON'T LET YOU DICTATE TO US WHEN YOUR PRINCIPALS ARE HIPOCRICIES" Brenda jumped into the circle that Thanos had just left and flicked the bull whip around at each cult member who instantly shat themselves again. This time from fear (and such a high -fibre diet) The pleather bags they had slung across their shoulders split and fell to the floor revealing a cascade of plastic vitamin bottles.
"You would force upon the world a diet that makes them dependent on pills?" She turned to the rest of PLAM-V and yelled "THIS IS WHAT THEY WOULD FORCE UPON THE WORLD: SLAVERY TO THE DRUG'S COMAPANIES! THIS IS NOT ABOUT BEING KIND TO LIVING BEINGS! IT IS A CONSPIRACY TO ENSLAVE US BECAUSE THEY KNOW THE TRUTH THAT B-12 CAN OLNY BE GOT FROM ANIMAL PRODUCTS! THEY ARE USING THIS SO THAT YET AGAIN CAPITALIST DICTATORS ARE TRYING TO PULL US UNDER THEIR JACKBOOT MORE!" Her followers booed at them and insulted government corruption.
Meanwhile Thanos had been keeping quiet. He was using the Infinity Stone of Time to see what these people had been doing before he met them. He got angry at what he saw The hatred towards other people- denying those who where frail the right to eat the food their bodies needed; releasing cattle and setting fire to abattoirs and cattle farms so that the population were further deprived of food ; digging up the rainforests to grow their beloved soy beans in abundance (which killed many species) because the grazing land was not right to sustain them; denying sick people the medicine they deserved because it contained an 'animal product' or had been tested on them. And much worse he thought, was he fact that they blamed these cows for polluting the atmosphere with their farts but from what Thanos had experienced, their kale driven clouds were far worse! And with the number of people in the world (even after a re-balancing of the numbers…) well, it wasn't fair to blame those poor innocent bovines. And despite Thanos accepting that for good in the long run, short terms atrocities were necessary (like manually slaughtering the population before he made the Infinity Gauntlet), at least now, Thanos could stop all that and live in peace doing his yoga to sort out his anger issues. But these guys would continue with all their crap. And people would suffer a new tyranny! No, he had to teach them a lesson.
"Your numbers are now halved! Your planet should be able to live in harmony. Go forth and live in it." The vegans looked from him to the PLAM-V members who were poised ready to imprison the vegans and take them back to headquarters for re-education and integration back into society.
"Oh greatb Thanos, does thou not see the angry mob about to kill thy followers? Will thoust not save us from this deed?" They wailed. Thanos shook his head.
"You will fight them in my honour." Thanos decreed as he Gemmed a throne into existence and sat there while Riddle knelt to polish his boots, cooing over them as if he were washing a turd covered baby. Thanos watched as the PLAM-V members divided into groups of about two and tried to capture the vegans. It was a metaphorical blood bath. There was no blood but the Vegans got the shit taken out of them as PLAM-V did nija moves and defended punches from the vegans who did not know what attack with as all they had not come armed seeing as they were only going to worship the God of Balance. But they had one thing they could do. They started popping B12 pills into their mouths and rapidly spitting them out like AK47's. The PLAM-V staggered as the pills hit them. Those in front ended up with vitamin poisoning and fell to the floor with brain haemorrhages that were so bad they actually died from drowning. The ones behind them started to take the flak and their faces grew red as their blood pressure raised dramatically due to so much iron absorption into their blood. The members behind them saw this and aimed their weapons at the vegan's stomachs. They winded a lot of them so viciously that they shat themselves and spat the pills onto the ground, spilling the rest. It didn't take long until they were all rolling on the floor in pain and surround by flames as the Plam-V burned all the pills and the shit that they were floating in.. They looked down triumphant.
"You won't win!" Brenda cried and cracked her whip into the air. "And now your weapons are gone!" She turned to Thanos. "So am I right in thinking that you are to blame for half this League being vaporised?" She glared at the purple titan.
"I have made the world a better place. One without suffering and overpopulation." Thanos explained as Riddle began clearing the crap off Thanos's trousers that had splashed onto him during the Great Winding.
"You think murder is the right way to sort all the problems?" Brenda yelled back amid the groans of the winded vegans. Thanos laughed.
"I haven't killed them. I just wiped their existence that's all."
"Then why do we remember the people who have gone? If you wiped them from existence then that would suggest you did something to the fabric of reality rather than just made the spark of life leave their bodies so that would mean they never existed and such WE SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO REMEMBER THEM!" Thanos looked bewildered.
"Who are you?" he asked (Riddle was now polishing his tank top ) But he had to admit, she had a point. "I er…. Don't actually know how this thing works" He held up the golden gauntlet "It just….works." Brenda looked at him incredulously .
"Change it ba….." she began but a loud groan from behind her made her stop. She saw Thano's eyes widen and Riddle whimpered slightly as he stopped lovingly polishing his master's bracers. Brenda turned and looked behind her where the rest of PLAM-V were staring at the ground.
The vegans were rising up. Their skin had gone pale as they managed to lumber to their feet and stagger forward in their crude footwear.
"Must….eat… the need… need… eat…." They all groaned in a chorus so that words buzzed around like flying vibrators. Now that their B12 supplies were gone, their nerves were suffering- they could not move properly and all their bodies could do was to serve that craving…. That need… for meat. They had all become meat-crazed zombies due to malnutrition!. And there were only three types of meat in the vicinity: Human, titan…. And whatever the hell Riddle was. PLAM-V backed away towards Thanos, who was crapping himself.
"Maybe you could do something with that gizmo?" Brenda called behind her as all the remaining shit-covered-smoke coated vegan zombies shambled closer. Thanos tried to ignore the fear turd he had just given birth too.
"Uh…. Would you kill me if I said this thing has run out of batteries?" He yelled. Brenda couldn't believe it.
"For now big guy, no. BUT WILL LATER!" She screamed and cracked the bull whip at the closest zombie. It didn't faulter as the nerve damage it had suffered from deficiency stopped it feeling any pain.
"We need B12 pills! I believe, my lord" Riddle cried.
"Or a shit ton of cheesy eggs…." Brenda muttered… "Nope, I think they want meat"
"I believe that is the intention of your League is it not good lady?" Said Riddle hiding behind the throne.
"Not human flesh…. And not ripping it live with their teeth… RUUUUUNNNNNN!" She yelled, but Thanos was all ready bounding ahead towards his ship. As he got on the ramp and pulled Riddle in (he'd tripped over a cable that someone had left lying around) he beckoned to PLAM-V to board; he would work with these people, as they seemed much more… balanced… than those V people. They all threw themselves up the ramp as the cravings of the Vombies became overwhelming and despite their lack of energy the cravings made their lumbering speed up to almost a jog .
"GET US IN THE AIR!" he yelled as the ramp started to raise.
"HEEEEELP!" one of the members yelled. He was going to be stranded! Riddle didn't think and threw himself forwards to help the man up. As he did so the ship jolted and he tumbled out as the man climbed in. Somehow his robe had got caught in the mechanism and the ship rose he screamed while dangling upside down.
"MAAAAASTTTTEER TTTTHAAAANNNOSSSS!" he yelled as the ship flew into the sky and disappeared into space.
Below, the Vombies tried to collectively recalculate where was the best place to get meat. They smelled an Outdoorsman nearby and jogged off for a bite to eat.