Note: Hey. We were supposed to do some serious writing today, but instead, we did this for some reason. All we'll say is that we're sorry, and also, this should absolutely be canon. Please comment or review or whatever. Enjoy.

"No one wanted me." Qrow's voice trembled. Ozpin, or Oscar, or… whatever he was—he could only watch, seated against the tree after being struck by the one person he considered his closest ally. "I was cursed. I gave my life to you because you gave me a place in this world." Qrow's hands balled into fists. He was broken. "I thought I was finally doing some good."

Ozpin's eyes welled with tears. "But, you are," he pleaded, but his words went ignored.

"Meeting you was the worst luck of my life."

Ozpin felt a dagger through his Soul. After centuries of hiding the truth, doing everything he could to keep those he cared about safe from his own knowledge, he had failed. The woman in the lamp had revealed every dark secret, and now, they were all staring at him in the snow, judging him for his failures. A deep guilt overcame him. How could it not?

"Maybe you're right."

The boy's eyes glowed, and the man who possessed him retreated into the deepest corners of his mind. He winced as the sensation of Qrow's attack finally caught up to him, and Ruby tentatively approached him, kneeling by his side.

"What happened?" she asked worriedly.

"He's…" Oscar stuttered. "He's gone. It's like he locked himself deep inside my head."

Panic broke out.

"He's gone?" Weiss asked, clutching at her chest. "He can't be gone. We need him."

"What are we going to do?" Blake whispered fearfully.

Ruby tried to stay calm, but she found herself unable to do so. The world as she knew it was changed forever. Humanity had existed once before? The Gods had abandoned them? Ozpin and Salem, her greatest enemy, had ruled the world together, and worse, she was immortal? It was all too much to take in. In other times of duress, she was always able to keep a clear head. She always knew the right thing to do. Keep moving forward—it was a mantra that she followed religiously, a principle in life that ensured that no matter how terrible things became, how hopeless their future seemed, they would never give up their fight. But now, she wasn't so sure. They could not stop Salem, no matter how hard they tried. Their mentor and guide had retreated into Oscar's subconscious. They were separated from their closest friends, stuck in the snowy wilderness on a mission that would lead them nowhere. A dead silence fell over them as their bleak reality became ever clearer. It was pointless. Meaningless. All of it.

Then, hesitantly, Yang pursed her lips and spoke up. "So… is no one else going to say it?"

Weiss scoffed. "Say what?"

Yang shrugged as if it was obvious. "I mean, doesn't anyone else here think that Salem is... you know…"

"You know what?" Blake asked, confused. Yang crossed her arms, casting Blake a knowing glance as she spoke shamelessly. Whatever the Faunus girl was expecting her to say, it most certainly was not what came out.

"…kind of hot?"

Her teammates, Qrow, Oscar, the old woman with the skull cane—they all turned to her with stunned, blank expressions. At first, they thought they misheard her, but after noticing her demeanor, they very quickly realized that she was serious.

"What?" Ruby stammered.

"I mean, when we saw that vision in Mistral, I didn't really get a good look at her, so I couldn't tell," Yang explained casually, as if there was nothing particularly unordinary about her comment. "But, now that I've seen her super close up… she's kind of hot, right?"

Nobody responded; the sound of the wind was the only detectable noise in the forest. It was as if a trance had fallen over them. All they did was stare at her for what felt like an eternity, unable to process exactly what the hell she was talking about.

Finally, Ruby stammered again.


"Oh, come on. She is!" Yang insisted. "She's got the blonde hair, and the fair skin, and that tight dress and…" A slight blush encroached on her cheeks, but she smirked as the memory came back to her. "Look, I don't know if you realized you could walk around during that vision, but if you looked at her from behind, then—"

"Yang, you can't be serious!" Weiss gasped in disgust. "She's a genocidal maniac! She's trying to destroy the world."

"Those aren't mutually exclusive," Yang said defensively. "Like, sure she's a plague on humanity and the embodiment of evil and all that… but she's still sexy as hell."

Blake growled at her. "I can't believe that's what you got from that vision," she said angrily. "We just learned that Salem is unstoppable and all of this has been for nothing, and all you can think about is how hot our main enemy is? What is wrong with you?"

"Look, these past few weeks have been really stressful, okay?" Yang snapped, placing her hands on her hips. "And, since I had to share that house with all of you, I haven't been able to do anything to, you know, relieve that stress like I normally would. So, I get distracted by these things."

Yang didn't see anything specifically wrong with saying that, even as Weiss and Blake were visually grossed out by it. Ruby, in particular, clasped her hands to her ears and whined, shutting her eyes tightly. "Ah! I don't need to hear about this!"

"Come on, Rubes. It's totally natural," Yang stated. "As if you haven't done it."

"To Salem?" Ruby was horrified.

"Not to her specifically. You know, just in general," Yang noted.

"No. I haven't!" Ruby said frantically. "And it's not natural when it's about my sister."

"You're joking me," Yang stated doubtingly. "You're really telling me that when we were watching that vision of the past, none of you once thought that Salem at least had really nice tits?"

"Nope nope nope nope," Ruby said incessantly. Yang rolled her eyes.

"What about you, Uncle Qrow?" She turned to the last person she felt she could rely upon for honesty. "When you were looking at Salem in that skin-tight dress, didn't you ever just want to grab onto those melons and just…" Yang pretended to grab two large orbs in front of her, and then leaned in and shook her head violently as if to motorboat them, slobbering as she did so. Qrow, perhaps still too much in a shocked stupor from realizing his entire life was meaningless, did not give an answer. Yang just assumed he meant yes.

Blake tensed up, covering her mouth with her palm to hide her embarrassment. Ruby continued ranting silently to herself, holding her ears tightly shut. The old woman simply watched with a curious tilt of her head, and Oscar didn't really understand what his young virgin eyes were looking at. He was especially confused when Yang began making loud slurping noises, lapping her tongue back and forth in the air.

Weiss shuddered, trying to resist gagging at the thought. "Yang, I cannot seriously believe you are saying that you would sleep with Salem."

Yang stopped her imaginary breast-ravaging long enough to answer. "What? It's not like I'm saying I'd sleep with her now. Like, as a Grimm-woman." However, her eyes narrowed, and she paused for a long moment, looking up at the sky as she contemplated it. "Okay, actually…"

"Oh my god!" Weiss said in shock. "I can't believe you!"

"What can I say? The woman ticks my boxes, even all Grimm-like and shit," Yang explained, holding up her hand as she rattled off the list on her fingers. "She's tall. She's domineering. She's thick in all the right places, and to top it all off, she's a total MILF. I know she's crazy and dangerous, but you'd be lying if you said you said you wouldn't get on top of her."

"You… you are sick, Yang," Weiss said, exasperated. Yang, however, felt no shame in the matter, and continued to boast about her claims.

"Fine, call me sick," she stated boldly. "But know that I would still tap that bitch like she was a water line, and I think you're crazy if you wouldn't even consider it."

"No reasonable person would consider it!" Weiss claimed wildly. "She's evil! It doesn't matter how hot she is! You don't sleep with her because she's still Salem, and she's evil, and she needs to be stopped."

"Aha!" Yang said triumphantly. "You do think she's hot!"

"I—wait, that's not what I—"

"Admit it, Weiss!" Yang stated. "Admit you'd want to bang Salem."

Bang Salem? Horrid. Of course not. The former Heiress to the Schnee Dust Company could not even bear the thought. Just the idea of crawling into bed with Salem, letting that witch run her fingers all over her, their smooth skin and supple breasts rubbing together under the warm sheets, the heat of that monster's sensual breath pressed into neck as their legs became tangled in a heaving, writhing mound of flesh, Weiss falling into her powerful arms as she lost count of the times she… no, it was terrible. Terrible! Weiss could not stand for such perverted thoughts and threw them away before they could further poison her mind. She needed an escape, and quickly, so she turned to the most innocent person she could think of to save her from her own sexy wants.

"R-Ruby, talk some sense into her," Weiss said hurriedly, but Yang merely scoffed at the attempt.

"Oh, please," she said passively, "Ruby has thought of way more messed up things than I have."

Ruby, hearing her name dragged through the proverbial mud, took her ineffective defense mechanism off her ears and rose to defend her honor.

"What? No, I haven't," she said determinedly, noticing Weiss begin to judge her out of the corner of her eye. There was a slight quiver in her voice that she prayed Weiss did not detect.

"Of course, you have. I know you," Yang said accusingly.

"I've never thought about sleeping with our most powerful enemy," Ruby stated firmly.

Yang, however, smiled at her, knowing that the truth was firmly in her possession. "Oh, really? So, you're saying that you haven't thought of being sexually dominated by Cinder Fall?"

Ruby suddenly froze. Her eyes went as wide as saucers, and her face turned a shade of red that was deeper than her cape. Yang grinned smugly as Weiss and Blake looked upon their young leader with shock, and she could only feel a painful resentment towards Yang coursing through her as those hidden truths were spontaneously let free.

"You…" Ruby shook with rage at her sister. "You looked through my diary!"

"Hey, if you're going to pretend that I'm the only fucked up one here, that's what you deserve," Yang said unremorsefully.

Blake's mouth hung open in shock. She could have paid attention to the name of the woman consuming Ruby's fantasies, but instead, her mind focused on a different word. She couldn't help herself but ask. "What… what kind of dominating are we talking about?" she asked meekly.

"Oh, tons of stuff. Hardcore BDSM," Yang said gloatingly. "Black latex, toys, ball gags, whips, candles. Oh, and stepping."

"Stepping?" asked Weiss as Ruby nearly fainted.

"As in Cinder stepping on Ruby. In stiletto heels," Yang explained, her tone laced with sin. Blake felt a dangerous heat start to burn within her that she kept to herself. She only hoped that no one would notice her excitingly bite her bottom lip.

"Those… those are personal thoughts of self-expression!" Ruby shouted furiously. "You have no right to share any of that!"

Oscar—poor, naïve Oscar—coughed awkwardly. "Um, Ruby… why do you want Cinder Fall to step on you? Won't that hurt?"

"It's none of your business, Oscar!" Ruby screamed at him. "You are too young to understand the needs of a woman!"

"I…" Blake opened her mouth to speak, but really, what could she say? Once she saw one mental image of a nude, bound and gagged Ruby Rose being stepped on a pair of thick glass heels, she really didn't need to say anything else. Weiss—on her part—wanted to die. Yang was rather satisfied with herself.

"Yeah, sis, now what's natural?" she bragged. "I guess it's not too wrong to want to screw an evil lady when you want to do it."

"Hey, hold on a second," Ruby said, trying and miserably failing to regain her composure. "When I wrote that, I didn't know she was evil. I thought we were still just classmates. That doesn't count."

"Of course, it counts," claimed Yang. "Once you have a Cinder Fall sex fantasy, you're always going to have one. Are you honestly telling me that if she came up to you right now in her sexy red dress and her—" Yang momentarily cringed, and the words came out bizarrely. "Sexy lack of an eye… that you wouldn't let her take you like an animal in heat?"

Ruby gritted her teeth. Her muscles tensed up, and her face somehow turned an even brighter shade of red than before. With all eyes on her, she awkwardly and maddeningly shook her head. "That's beside the point! The point is that we are dealing with life and death circumstances, and you can't waste your time thinking about how you want to pound Salem like a… like a tender chicken breast!"

Sitting lonely against the tree trunk, Oscar whimpered softly. "I think I want to go home."

"Shut up, Oscar!" Yang and Ruby shouted him down simultaneously. Weiss, finally having heard enough, threw both of her hands up in the air in defeat.

"Okay, the two of you have major issues," she said, trying to rid the last of the sexy, sexy, sexy images out of her head; which, as Blake had already found out, was a task easier said than done. "When we get out of this snow, both of you need to take a long look in the mirror and figure out whether you want to fight against the Grimm or sleep with them."

"Weiss, please," Yang said breezily. "I want to sleep with Salem; I don't want to sleep with Grimm. That's not something I'm into."

"Y-Yeah," Ruby agreed halfheartedly. "We definitely don't want to get involved in a Beowolf gangbang... if that's what you're thinking."

"Yeah!" Yang nodded without really thinking about her sister's comments any deeper. "Plus, Weiss, there has to be one member of Salem's gang that you want to grind on you."

"I promise you, there is not," Weiss said with certainty.

"Really?" Yang asked. She was determined to test that theory. "Not Emerald?"





"Hell no."


Blake snapped to attention. "You better say no."

"No! No no no!" Weiss insisted.

"That big dude? Hazel, I think?"


That stutter. The moment it escaped her, Weiss seized up in fear, and Yang instinctively pounced.

"Him! I knew it! You want to bone Hazel!"

"N-No! Absolutely not!" Weiss insisted.

"You're lying. You are totally lying, you lying liar!"

"I am not," Weiss said, panicked. "I swear, I am not."

Yang smirked. "You know I can just ask Jinn and she'll tell me the truth, right?"

Weiss groaned in frustration. Under normal circumstances, she knew Yang would never be so stupid as to waste their final question on such a pointless conversation, but with her kinky fantasies threatening to reveal themselves, she couldn't think straight. The attention of the group had suddenly turned to her, and unfortunately for her, she was too weak to not immediately buckle under the pressure of their stares.

"Ugh… fine!" Weiss shouted desperately. "Maybe I wouldn't mind if Hazel smothered my head in between his enormous, beefy biceps! Maybe I'd be cool with him picking me up by my neck and strangling me until I passed out, and then tenderly making love to me while I'm only half-conscious. Is that what you want to hear, Yang? Is it? Is it?"

That was actually what no one wanted to hear. Literally no one.

Like, seriously no one.

Not Qrow, who wished he hadn't run out of alcohol in his flask.

Not said, virgin Oscar and his sad, virgin ears.

Certainly not the old woman with the skull cane, who had contemplated accompanying the young Huntresses on their journey, but now only really wanted to take a long bath.

Probably not Ruby or Blake either.

But Yang wanted to hear it. In fact, Yang was loving every second of it.

"I fucking knew it," she said gladly. "And here you were acting all righteous when you're just as much of a sex freak as the rest of us."

"Oh, fuck you and your lustful desires!" Weiss shouted, aggressively jabbing her finger at her. However, before tensions could escalate further, Ruby grabbed onto Weiss's wrist and lowered it as the Heiress calmed down.

"Weiss, that's enough," Ruby said, suddenly stepping between them. Someone was going to get hurt if they weren't careful. The conversation had gotten too far out of hand, and there was a time to be embarrassed about the fact everyone knew what her sexual fantasies were, and a time to be a leader. Now was that time—for the latter, of course. "Look, I understand we've all learned a lot of things about each other we probably didn't want to know. A lot of things. In fact, some of us may never look at each other the same way ever again."

"That's an understatement," Oscar shuddered.

"But that doesn't matter!" Ruby declared, rallying her teammates behind her. "So what if Yang wants to go down on Salem? So what if Weiss wants big naked men to squeeze her unconscious? So what if sometimes I want Cinder to press down on me so hard that I stop breathing, and then lightly caress my cheek as she whispers in my ear that I'm her pet and I belong to her for all eternity before pouring hot wax all over my chest? So what? The fact is that if we don't bring this Relic to Atlas, those same people we're super horny for are going to hurt a lot of people. We can't let that happen no matter what, and that means we can't get caught up in shaming each other for our fetishes. We need to unite right now, for the good of Remnant... and each other."

Yang sighed. She hated it whenever Ruby had a point about something, especially when it was spoiling her fun. But her duty was more important than her pride, and she couldn't resist her leader. "You're right, sis. Keeping the Relic safe is the most important thing. I'm sorry I got distracted by Salem's MILF-ness instead of paying attention to Jinn's vision."

"That's all right," Ruby said earnestly. "I can understand why you were distracted. I mean, she's not as hot as Cinder, but in her human form, she was sort of hot."

"I know, right?" Yang bragged. "And I'm sorry that I revealed your diary to everyone. That was really uncool."

"I forgive you, Yang," said Ruby in good spirits. "I'm sorry I called your sex drive unnatural."

"Hey, compared to most people, it is unnatural… unnaturally awesome. Am I right?" Yang laughed, holding her hand up for a high five that nobody wanted to accept.

Weiss moaned, awkwardly scratching the back of her head. "I guess I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have made such a big deal out of all of this. You shouldn't feel shamed for who you're attracted to."

"It's okay," Yang said. "I mean, I shouldn't be making a deal out of you wanting to be choked by Hazel. Choking can be ultra-sexy as long as it's not, like, domestic abuse or anything. All things being said, none of our fetishes are really that messed up."

"That is true," Ruby agreed. "It could be a lot worse."

"Right," said Weiss. "One of us could have said they had, like, an incest fetish or something. At least we're not that fucked up."

The girls had a decent chuckle about that. There was something strangely comforting about it, that despite the odd stares they were receiving from the others, they were closer than they were before. Granted, they were closer in the most personal and unspeakable of ways, but they were closer, and they valued that however they could. They might have even wanted to hug each other if their current mental images of each other weren't in their lewdest possible states. At the end of the day, they were still a team: Team RWBY. They were a family whose bond was unbreakable, and nothing—not even their deepest, most perverted desires—could ever tear them apart.

And then Yang noticed that one of them wasn't laughing.

And then Ruby noticed that one of them wasn't laughing.

And then Weiss noticed that one of them wasn't laughing.

And then all three of them turned to look at Blake, who was trying her absolute hardest to fade into the snow and disappear, which was increasingly difficult given the bright shade of red her cheeks were turning. Her ears drooped, and she shuffled awkwardly on the balls of her feet, trying to keep her gaze focused on the ground and away from the prying eyes of her teammates. She tried to join in with their laughter, but all that came out as a very obviously nervous chuckle, and they eyed her with ever-growing suspicion until her façade quickly broke, and her smile faded, and the Faunus girl let out a very irritated moan as she rolled her eyes.

"Oh, what?" Blake scoffed in protest. "Like I'm the only one here who thinks my mom is ridiculously hot."