389The Talk Concludes - Chapter One Hundred Forty-Six
The entirety of Team Azula remained in a frozen silence as the sound of the turning timer continued to resound into the air.
The older members of the group gazed on with their eyes agape in distress over the implication of their ageless enemy's words.
Zoi could only stare ahead with her golden eyes wide in realization while she gritted her teeth and fire began to burn from her fists.
Through some way that they have yet to understand.
Their society has deeply wronged one of their own and now her adopted sister was going to suffer for it.
'No. I will not allow that to happen under any circumstances!' Zoi thought with an expression of hardened determination taking over her face while she held her burning fists at her hips.
Azula sat with her skillfully poised lips curling into an imposing glower as she glared in the puppeteer's direction.
And then she turned to gaze at the back of her handmaid's head while her girlfriend still sat in a shaken silence.
While a sinister smile still graced Silah's lips as she stared intently back at the girl's intimidated countenance.
The sound of Elle audibly swallowing resonated into the atmosphere as she struggled to collect her composure.
As her three friends stared at her with differing expressions of concern in their eyes.
'I have to stay calm! I cannot let her throw me off balance!' Elle thought as she composed her emotions as she took a deep breath.
And then she resolved her facial expression while she met Silah's disturbingly entertained stare once again.
"W-well…we will cross that bridge when we come to it. But right now, I want to talk to you about the…the Elder One." Elle declared with a trace of unmistakable fear seeping into her voice as she fought to steel her nerves.
And yet even so she found that she was unable to stop herself from shivering ever so slightly over simply voicing the mysterious being's name.
Which was something that all three aristocrats never failed to notice as they gazed at their young companion with supportive expressions on their faces.
As the hunter glanced back at the girl with a flicker of surprise in her predatory eyes over failing to get a rise out of the handmaid.
"Where…where can we find this…b-being?" Elle questioned in a voice of undeniable apprehension while her amber eyes peered back at the far older woman's apathetic countenance.
The highborn women turned to gaze hard back at the puppeteer as their gazes burned with a mutual desire to uncover the location of their ominous enemy.
"In a sense one could say that the Elder One is everywhere. It is a primordial, timeless being that is vastly older that of even the most ancient of spirits." Silah replied in a disturbingly enlightened voice as she gazed calmly back at the young girl's frightened face.
The team listened with looks of awe in their disconcerted eyes in a suspenseful silence.
"F-far older than that of even the most ancient spirits…does that mean that it is not a spirit?" Elle pondered in a shaken voice only for her amber eyes to flash with realization when she registered her error.
"You just asked a question within a question, dear. But I will let it slide though…just this once. Only because I like you." Silah stated in a voice of chilling interest with a twisted smile on her lips while the girl tried not to shiver under her gaze.
Both Zoi and Ty Lee glared protectively back at Silah's deranged face.
As Azula's amber golden eyes burned with a murderously possessive gleam over the mere mention of Silah daring to state that she 'liked' what belonged to her.
"The creature is not a spirit...it is something much more alien. It is what Mava and I call an outer being." Silah informed with a gloved hand relaxing on her knee while her audience listened in a spellbound captivation.
As the team stared on with an unnerved curiosity in their eyes.
And once again the more they learned about this ominous entity the more unsettled they became.
"An outer being?" Azula spoke in a rigidly refined voice as she arched her regal brows while she gazed on with her icy eyes attempting to decipher what all of this could mean.
Only to turn her domineering eyes to her young girlfriend when she noticed the way that the girl was failing to hide her fear.
While Elle could only gaze on with wide amber eyes as she felt a terrifying chill travel down her spine.
And for some inexplicable reason.
The longer that they spoke of this being the more and more frightened she became.
"An outer being is an eldritch creature from a plane of existence beyond both the physical world and the Spirit World. A being that is not native to this world…that is not supposed to be here. Outer beings can be both naturally born and created. Vega is now also an outer being. She was transformed into the highest class of outer being, and she became the lord of their alien realm when the Elder One chose to transform her into its herald. The Elder One came here several millennia ago and nothing has been the same ever since." Silah explained in a horrifyingly entrancing voice as she stared on with uncannily cold dark green eyes while the group listened in shock over the description of an 'outer being'.
Ty Lee shuddered in fright as she sat with her brown-gray eyes gazing on in unhidden terror.
Azula and Zoi gazed on with their eyes agape in tremendous unease.
Team Azula found themselves just as disturbed to hear that this Vega was now an 'outer being' as they were of the description of the Elder One,
"An…an outer being is an eldritch creature from a plane of existence beyond the physical world and the Spirit World…and Vega is now the highest class of outer being too…and the lord of their alien realm…" Elle trailed off in a troubled voice as she held her fearful hands in her lap while she fought to reign in her fright.
"But to answer your original question, Elle…. the Elder One can be found down there." Silah commented in an abnormally eerie voice as she pointed at the ground underneath their feet while the girl glanced down in bewilderment.
The three aristocrats glanced down around them with alarmed expressions in their eyes when they saw that the woman seemed to be pointing down into Hari Bulkan.
"I-it is…in Hari Bulkan?" Elle stammered in a perplexed voice only for the hunter to chuckle creepily as she shook her head.
"No, child. It is underground. Exactly where I cannot say for certain but I know that it is slumbering underground somewhere on this planet." Silah responded in a scarily unbothered voice as she gazed back at the girl's frightened face.
The team gazed down at the ground in realization as a sense of dread continued to envelope the air around them.
The very notion that there was a monstrous creature of untold power living underground somewhere on their planet was a disturbing one.
Even to the likes of a woman as powerful as Azula.
Azula could only stare on with frigid amber golden eyes while she furrowed her brows in frustration over the woman's cryptic statement.
The creature was somewhere in the world underground?
That could mean that this being was anywhere on the entire planet!
'Does she really not know it's exact location? Or is she just withholding the information in case she wishes to join forces with it?' Azula thought with her imposing gaze gazing imperiously at Silah's infuriatingly unintimidated face.
"I told you that there are terrors waiting out there in the dark beyond your understanding. Now you begin to see what you are dealing with. It does not matter if the Fire Nation conquers the world because what is beneath the surface will always rule you. Which makes your march for civilization nothing more than a farce because your worthless nation will never truly reign over this world." Silah taunted with a derisive sneer as she smirked at Azula's murderously glowering face.
The two noblewomen and their young companion still gazed on with rising paranoia in their unnerved eyes.
"We will…find it and we will stop it." Elle insisted with evident uneasiness in her voice as she swallowed as she tried to calm her fears.
The three highborn women hardened their faces as they stared supportively back at their friend in agreement.
As the hunter just stared back at the girl's unnerved countenance with what appeared to be an amused smile on her pale lips.
"Sure, you will. Now, I have an important question to ask you…" Silah trailed off in a seemingly contemplative voice with an unreadable gleam in her dark green eyes while she raised a thoughtful clothed hand to her chin.
"And that is?" Elle replied in a mousy voice with her amber eyes gazing on nervously while her three friends still gazed hatefully at the smiling Silah.
"What is the scent of Azula's favorite shampoo?" Silah questioned in a voice of insatiable interest with a twisted smirk on her lips while she gazed back at the young girl's confounded face.
As the three aristocrats could only gaze on with expressions of disgust in their disbelieving eyes.
And that was all it took for the princess to glare on with her amber golden eyes agape in indignation while fire already began to spew from her seething lips.
Zoi's stony golden eyes glared on in revulsion and even a margin of concern for her princess's safety.
"W-what? Her favorite shampoo?" Elle asked in a bewildered voice as she shivered when she sensed Azula simmering in wrath behind her.
"Yes, dear. You are her servant are you not? You attend to her like any other servant, do you not? Your duties must include washing her hair from time to time? Surely, you must know which scent is her favorite." Silah commented in a disturbingly curious voice with a gloved fingertip under her chin while she smirked back at the princess's face as Azula turned red in outrage.
"Y-yes, I am Azula-sama's servant and I wash her hair frequently. But I do not see why it is so important for you to know the scent of her favorite shampoo…" Elle stated in an uncomfortable voice as she frowned back at the hunter while her friends gazed on in revulsion.
Only to find a chill of terror suddenly shooting down her spine when Silah stared back at her with a coldly predatory gaze once more.
"I just answered two questions in a row for you and in doing so, I most generously supplied you with valuable information on the nature of your enemy. Which means that if you wish to receive any further information from me that you will answer my question, Elle." Silah remarked in a scarily menacing voice with her dark green eyes gazing back at the girl's intimidated face.
Azula sat in her seat with her eyes glowering on as she forced herself to reign in her fury if only for the sake of learning all that they could about this entity.
"C-cherry blossom…Azula-sama's favorite shampoo is cherry blossom." Elle answered at long last in a highly hesitant voice with her fists in her lap.
As the princess furiously tapped her boot on the ground with her arms angrily crossed over her armored breasts.
The two noblewomen stared on with unhidden repugnance in their eyes.
Only for all four members of Team Azula to instantly find themselves gazing on in horror when an expression of frightening enthusiasm came over Silah's face.
And just like that the group could only stare on in shock when Silah ran her tongue along her lips!
"Cherry blossom…I will have to remember that." Silah purred as she hungrily licked her lips while she smiled darkly back at the stunned faces of her enemies.
Her cruel eyes took profound delight in the ever so slight break in the princess's nearly unshakable composure.
Ty Lee gazed back with her jaw hanging open in abhorrence as her hands fell to her sides in shock.
And even Zoi stared on with her lips ajar in an expression of astonishment over the depths of Silah's perversion.
"You filthy…" Azula hissed in a malicious voice with her proud fists smashed over her chest as she glowered at the grinning woman in hatred.
Only for all three highborn women to find themselves suddenly turning to their young friend in surprise when the girl slammed a fist on the ground at her feet.
"Stop it! Stop licking your lips at my princess!" Elle exclaimed with incredible devotion in her voice while she clenched her fists in anger.
Azula sat with an expression of rare appreciation in her callous amber golden eyes as she gazed at her young girlfriend's back.
And the two noblewomen stared at their adopted sister with flickers of fondness in their eyes.
All while Silah simply smiled back at the girl's unnaturally angered face as she let out another chilling chuckle.
Only for Elle to be brought back to reality by the sound of the timer turning as she turned to gaze out of the corner of her eye at the ticking clock.
She took several deep breaths as she fought to control her anger as she exhaled heavily.
Before she turned to gaze back at the smirking woman while her fists shook in her lap.
"Now…now I want to ask you, Silah. Nako said that she found a book in Mava's library that stated that there was another civilization here that went extinct around two thousand years ago." Elle spoke in a quieter voice with her amber eyes gazing on in contemplation.
The three highborn women turned to gaze back at their companion with impressed looks coming over their eyes.
"Was…was there a lost civilization that died out two thousand years ago?" Elle pondered in a pensive voice as she chewed on her lower lip while she stared at the hunter's unfeeling face.
As the rest of Team Azula still stared back at their teammate with recognition in their eyes.
'That's my girl, Elle. You are doing well.' Azula thought with her strict amber golden eyes gazing at her girlfriend in approval while a pleased smile returned to her lips.
And then she turned her penetrating gaze back to the puppeteer's unreadable face while the far older woman still gazed keenly back at her serving girl.
"Yes, child, that is correct. The book that Nako brought back is one of the last surviving records of the lost civilization of the city-state that died out approximately two thousand years ago." Silah responded in an aloofly collected voice once more as she stared back at the shocked faces of her audience.
And within seconds after that a look of pure and utter astoundment came over the faces of all of Team Azula.
It was all Ty Lee, Zoi and Azula could do to just gaze on with their mouths hanging open in shock and their eyes widened in awe.
"I…cannot believe it…a lost city-state…" Zoi stated in a voice of absolute disbelief as she gazed on with astounded golden eyes.
'Could this really mean…that there really was a lost city-state that existed two thousand years ago?' Azula thought with her lipstick painted lips expressing her fascination while her eyes stared on in perplexity.
Elle sat there in a state of speechlessness with her amber eyes staring on in astonishment.
"W-what happened to them? And how come no one else to this day is even aware that they once existed?" Elle blurted out in a voice of great shock as she spoke her thoughts aloud while she gazed back at Silah in captivation.
Only for Silah's lips to simply curve into a smile as she sat there in silence gazing back at the trembling girl's fearful face.
The aristocrats gazed on with their eyes widening in dread as they still struggled to process the weight of the woman's claim.
As the princess gazed on with incredulity in her calculating amber golden eyes as she remembered the words that the old sage had told them.
Wiped out and erased from most history books. The same fate that awaits all who the Elder One kills.
'Does this being truly have the power to wipe out an entire civilization and erase nearly all memory of its existence in recorded history?' Azula thought as she stared on with her ruthless eyes furrowing in questioning.
"A-and yet…you are aware that they existed…" Elle stammered as she sat with her unnerved eyes staring back at the ageless woman's smiling face.
"I already told you that I have already scoured every ruin and explored every corner of this world." Silah answered in an almost dismissive voice as she stared back at the girl's still floored face.
The three highborn women just stared back in disbelief at the face of their demented enemy over the way that she spoke of the proposed ruins of a lost nation as if it was nothing.
As if it was already something that she had truly seen and traveled to its fullest!
All the while as a scowl curled back onto Azula's lips as she glared frigidly at Silah's face from where she sat on her rock.
'Curse this repulsive freak for knowing so much! I must uncover all of the secrets of this lost civilization!' Azula mused as she stared on with a methodical determination taking over her prideful amber golden eyes.
"Now, there is something that I want to ask you, Elle...it is a thought that has been nagging at my mind for some time…" Silah trailed off in a highly engrossed voice as she held a gloved hand underneath her chin.
Elle sat in a waiting silence with her amber eyes peering on in uncertainty if the woman was about to ask her another perverse question.
"Why are you with Azula and her team?" Silah pondered with an edge of undeniable curiosity to her thinking voice while she gazed back at the girl's surprised face.
The highborn women were now gazing on with guarded expressions in their eyes over Silah's intentions for asking such a question.
And Azula stared on at Silah's face with her icy amber golden eyes clearly disapproving of such a question.
"What do you mean why am I with them? They are my friends that is why I am here." Elle answered with bewilderment in her innocent voice.
The aristocrats listened in appreciation as they stared between the two closely.
Only for Silah to shake her head with a heartless dismissive expression in her eyes as if she did not accept the girl's answer.
"And yet that does not explain why you show this perplexing reverence to the Fire Nation Royal Family. You bow before Azula time and time again and you also bowed before her father." Silah commented in a voice of unhidden disrespect for the royals while she gazed emotionless back at the young girl's confused visage.
While the princess stared daggers back at the puppeteer from where she sat upon her rock.
"Azula-sama is royalty…and I am her servant girl. I have the heritage of ancient royal servants running through my veins. So, it is only natural that I would bow before her and that is also why I bowed before her father." Elle explained in a devoted voice as she stared back at the far older woman who sat opposite of her.
And Azula listened with a pleased gleam in her domineering amber golden eyes.
"That is incorrect, Elle. The Component lineage as it exists today was not created to serve the Royal Family. It was created to kill the Elder One. The founding Fire Lord was just a means to an end and it was simply chance that the first holder happened to be a servant of the ancient Fire Nation Royal Family." Silah retorted in a strikingly knowledgeable voice as her cold-blooded eyes stared back at the girl's speechless face.
The rest of Team Azula gazed on in astonishment as they recalled that Mava had told them something similar.
"Even if that is true. It does not matter to me what the other holders would do. I serve Azula-sama, because I am loyal to her and I always will be." Elle replied in a loving voice as she gazed on with undying fealty in her amber eyes.
As the two noblewomen listened with expressions of fondness in their eyes.
And the princess found herself unable to resist allowing her lips to curl into a beyond gratified smile.
"You still do not understand your prominence do you, Elle? You have the power to slice through any mystical matter. This is the very reason why the Elder One fears you….and even still you bow." Silah asked in a persistent voice with her eerie eyes gazing at the young girl's amusingly amazed face.
The highborn women gazed at their young companion once more with looks of astoundment in their eyes.
"Allow me to explain something to you. Inheriting the power of the Component does not automatically grant a holder access to its power simply by virtue of possessing it. Many holders are unable to even learn how to use this force." Silah announced in an uncannily wise voice while the girl listened with a look of amazement on her face.
The older members of Team Azula were now gazing on with their eyes agape in shock over the implication of the woman's words.
"B-but I thought that everyone who inherited it was able to use it…" Elle responded in a confounded voice while the hunter's unsettling eyes stared back at her.
"No. Only the most skilled holders can learn how to master the force that runs in their veins. The energy is heavy and it places an intensive strain on its holder. And yet you have already begun to hone it with only half of the force in your possession. Which means that even without the Component that you have a natural affinity for sensing the supernatural." Silah informed with a margin of praise in her usual detached voice while she stared back at the handmaid's awed face.
While the three highborn women found that they could not help but stare at their young teammate with even greater fascination in their eyes than before.
"I-I do? I never thought of it like that." Elle stuttered in a naïve voice with her amber eyes blinking in consideration.
Silah seemed to almost gaze back at the girl with the barest hint of an entertained smile on her lips.
Only for Elle to finally recover from her shock as she straightened in her seat with her hands in her lap while she met the puppeteer's stare.
"The…reason why I am with Team Azula is because no woman or man is an island onto themselves. No matter how strong we may or may not be…we all need someone to be there for us…and I…cannot do this alone." Elle stated in a resolved voice as she gazed back into Silah's taken aback dark green eyes.
Azula, Zoi and Ty Lee gazed at their friend with looks of moved emotion in their contemplating eyes.
And for the briefest of moments Silah sat back in her seat in silence while she considered the girl's words.
She gazed out of the corners of her cruel dark green eyes behind her at the lifeless faces of both her younger sister and the warrior king.
Before she turned to stare back towards the girl with her gaze reflecting a profound rumination.
Elle watched Silah's expressionless face intently as she readied herself to continue before the hunter could recover.
"Now Silah…Mava told us that this…creature feeds on chi. Can…can you tell me what exactly Mava meant when she said that?" Elle inquired in an increasingly bolder voice while her words snapped the other woman from her thoughts.
And Team Azula once again found themselves staring at their companion with growing impressed expressions in their eyes.
"Outer beings are creatures that Mava and myself believe originate from a completely different dimension that is alien to our own. The reason why we call this one the Elder One…is because we believe that it is the eldest of them all." Silah stated in an indescribably unnerving voice while she stared on with seemingly unfazed eyes while the young girl gazed back with a petrified look in her eyes.
The highborn women listened in an unsettled quiet with looks of disbelief in their eyes.
"And as an outer being, it feeds upon the chi of other beings, humans, all other animals, and even spirits, in order to sustain its own life force." Silah spoke in a frighteningly spellbinding voice while the eyes of her audience grew wide in shock.
And that was all that was needed for the four members of Team Azula to find themselves struck into a horrifying silence.
Azula stared on with her callous amber golden eyes flashing with realization.
Now she understood why Koh the Face Stealer had expressed fear over the prospect of even just simply discussing this creature.
Almost as if…he was fearful that doing so would draw upon this creature's wrath.
"It…it feeds on the chi of other beings…that must be why Mava said that if it is not stopped that it will kill all life on this planet." Elle whispered remarked in a horrified voice as she sunk back in her seat with her eyes as wide as can be in terror.
The older girls on the team stared on with similar expressions of horror in their eyes.
Only for the group to gaze on at the puppeteer in disbelief when Silah just smiled darkly back at them.
"She is not wrong." Silah commented in a terrifyingly indifferent voice as she gazed back at the girl's pale countenance.
It was all Elle could do to fall back in a dreadful silence with her eyes agape with fright as she struggled to keep her thoughts straight.
'This…this is madness! We…we cannot fight her while fighting this…this creature and its followers! It will only get all of us killed!' Elle thought with her eyes wide in worry as she stared back at Silah's scarily smiling face.
And then she gazed out of the corner of her apprehensive eye at the timer as the sound of the clock ticking continued to resound into her ears.
Before she turned her eyes back to the face of the ageless hunter while her highborn friends stared uncertainly between them.
"Silah…in light of all that I have learned from you over the course of this conversation. I want to make you a second proposition." Elle stated in a voice of growing confidence while Silah rose an intrigued brow as she stared eerily back at her.
The three aristocrats listened with curiosity in their eyes from their positions around their young friend.
"A second proposition?" Silah asked in a wickedly intrigued voice as she gazed back at the girl with anticipation in her eyes.
Only to find herself watching in perplexity when the handmaid adopted another seemingly carefree smile while she stared right back at her.
"I propose…that you join forces with us so that we can defeat this entity and its followers together!" Elle announced in a courageous voice while she gazed on with unusual seriousness in her amber eyes.
While the highborn women were rendered into a state of absolute incredulity as they gazed on with their mouths agape in utter shock.
And even Silah gazed back at the girl with her dark green eyes conveying what seemed to be an expression of surprise.
And throughout it all.
Elle stared on with her amber eyes expressing an unnatural determination to stop the outer being called the Elder One.
No matter the price that it took to do it.
AN:
I am going to mainly keep this author's note focused on being a personal note once more. Because of the state of my health, I don't know if I am going to continue to discuss important points of the chapter in notes at the end of each chapter.
I have always enjoyed doing that, and I did it because I wanted to explain things that are not spoilers to prevent any confusion. But I am in so much pain that I can barely think, so I might stop doing that to make the upload for updates less complicated.
I am going to briefly reply to the reviews.
ReaderOfMany, thank you for sharing your experiences with your five feline friends that you have lost, I am sorry that you have lost them. I know how you feel. I am feeding four or more strays, Luna was a stray when I took her in, but I was feeding only her. I cannot bring myself to take any of these strays in. Thankfully, none will let me touch them so I feel less compelled to do so. I give them shelter, food, and water. It hurts to look at them, it reminds me of Luna.
I will not be able to take in another cat for a long time for two big reasons. The first is because if I took another cat in, I would be thinking of her, and I would not be seeing that cat for who they are. The second reason is because I am now terrified of kidney disease in cats, it is extreme common in cats. I cannot put into words how much work and effort I put into treating Luna despite being low income.
At first, a diagnosis of kidney disease does not seem as bad as say a diagnosis of cancer. It can start off not being too bad, but it progresses, and then it becomes terrifying. The cat has "crashes", and during these crashes the cat could be dying, you never know. During a crash, a cat can go from doing good to showing alarming signs and symptoms, and they can die if you do not respond with appropriate treatment. Luna had many periods where she was doing very good, and then she would crash for a few days at a time. I pulled her out of it many times, with fluids, her prescription food, and various supplements and medication. It led to me feeling like I could always pull her out of a crash. And then the last one, was not a crash, it was the end, and she died.
And beyond my loss of her, there are too many cats outside for me to afford to bring in, if I brought one in, no matter which one I brought in I would be leaving others outside.
And thank you for wishing me recovery, I do not know if I will recover, I hope I do. But it touches me that the story has been such a joy for you, and I truly hope that I will be able to return to writing more frequently because I have so much planned for it. And right now even though it is long, it is far from complete, and I want to continue on my journey with the story and complete it someday.
Onxio, I am going to try to get six updates out this year. I will say if I upload five or six chapters, that unfortunately does not mean I am in recovery. It means that I am struggling enough to write some and put some out at a slow pace. I used to put out over thirty chapters a year, if I ever return to updating at least twice a month that will be an indication I am in recovery. And unfortunately, recovering from this is not simple, I am not sure if it is even possible.
Now, onto my comments about the chapter.
As I explained in the previous chapter, outer beings are inspired by Lovecraft. Yet I am trying to keep a balance between them being above humanity for them to have elements of cosmic horror, while at the same time not having it be completely hopeless like the cosmic entities in Lovecraft. The outer beings will range from minor to immensely powerful.
The Elder One is the most ancient and horrific of them all, but it does not actively rule, it prefers to sleep, and eat. The Fire Nation woman who was transformed into the outer being that is now called Vega is the acting ruler of the realm that the outer beings come from.
The Elder One influences and controls the Avatar world behind the scenes. This is why Silah mocks the Royal Family and the Fire Nation so much, beyond the fact that she is an incredibly powerful dark sorcerer, she is aware of the existence of the Elder One and the other outer beings, and she knows that no matter how much the Fire Nation conquers the other nations, they are still under the control of the Elder One just like the rest of humanity.
The reason why Vega went to Silah is because Silah is one of the few people that the Elder One and the outer beings cannot control because of how powerful she has become as a dark sorcerer. Silah is essentially a highly chaotic neutral power.
And by Silah confirming that there was once a lost city-state in the Avatar world that is now forgotten by history, she is confirming how the Elder One has control over humanity. I intend to eventually reveal more about what this lost city-state was later on.
Furthermore, Silah is also revealing to Elle that her purpose is much greater than serving the Royal Family in defeating the Avatar so they can conquer nations. She is essentially telling Elle that she is more important than the Royal Family themselves in the scope of her existence.
Anyway, now I will touch on my personal health. You can stop reading here if you are only interested in hearing about the story.
So, at the end of May I traveled to Duke University and I was hospitalized for four days while they drained CSF fluid 24/7 from my lumbar area. The idea was to see if I have a condition causing normal high pressure in my brain as a trial to see if installing a shunt in my brain would help me which is brain surgery.
I cannot recall if I mentioned this publicly, but I have already had one brain surgery. In December of 2020, I had a pineal cyst removed from my brain through a "minimally invasive craniotomy". I was so desperate to escape the pain that I saw a neurosurgeon who removes pineal cysts that he believes are symptomatic. He claimed my cyst had a 90 percent chance of being the cause of my suffering so I went through with it. Long story short, I recovered from the surgery, I do not believe it harmed me but it ended up being for nothing. He took the cyst out, and my 24/7 head pain did not go away, it was not the cause of my agony, and I had brain surgery for nothing. I now understand why pineal cysts are not viewed by many doctors as medically legitimate. Shunts and pressure in the brain are a more medically legitimate procedure so I have been trying to hope that this could be the solution.
But I was having panic attacks on the flight down, because my biggest fear is that I am doomed to live like this with extreme pressure in my entire skull and ears for the rest of my life until I die of old age or some other cause. I was struggling to have hope.
It started off on a terrible note because the neuroradiologist who I have placed all my hope in for the last year who has been very friendly to me, and has been a brilliant, investigative doctor told me that it was my last hope, and the last thing that anyone could do for me which made me feel like it was hopeless. She is retiring on June 30th, and I guess that is impacting her bedside manner but that practically killed my hope.
I feel like on the final day my pain possibly lowered from a 9 to a 6 but I am not completely certain. The surgeons in the hospital felt like that was possibly enough to proceed forward with a shunt. The main neurosurgeon spoke to me and thinks it possibly helped and that it just took time and he gave me what sounded like a maybe if he will proceed forward. He sounds like he is thinking about it.
Now that I am home I am still struggling to have hope. I am upset that I did not receive the definitive answer that I was hoping for. I am still debilitated by this mysterious condition at an extreme pain level with no pain relief.
And if the neurosurgeon is willing to go forward, I now am facing two potential outcomes. On the one hand, I feel like I will be guessing if I go through with the shunt in terms if it will help me. On the other hand, neurologists just want to throw pills at me, I have tried 36 pills, every nerve block and injection there is, and every pain infusion there is and I get no relief. They keep giving me new pills in the hope it will be the magical one to correct the pain cycle they believe I am trapped in. But I no longer have hope that they can help me with pills. I do not feel like I have much choice, I will likely go through with the shunt if the neurosurgeon is willing to do it.
I am concerned about much more than the story at this point, I am terrified for the future of my life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life this way, and no doctor has yet shown that they are able to help me. But all I can do is keep searching for the answer to get my quality of life back and hopefully get better.
I will continue slowly writing the story, and for as long as I draw breath the story will continue. I am just bothered that I cannot write with the ease that I could before. Because I feel that the story worked better both for readers and for myself, when I was able to write several arcs a year. On top of that, it made me much happier when I was able to immerse myself into it on a regular basis and write 30-50 chapters a year.
I have written more chapters, but I still have not reached the chapters for the next major battle. Because I am having such difficulty writing, I wrote some backstory chapters on Zoi's sister Sia who will be a huge character. They are slower in pace, and it is more about getting to know her better, but I like Sia as a character so I decided to explore her more while I have been struggling to think to reach the chapters for the next big battle.
There are so many exciting events I wish I could get to, that I would already be at if I was not so ill, but they are still a long way off.
Anyway, that will be all for now.
Stay tuned for next time.
For chapter one hundred forty-seven! Sympathy for the Devil!